Sukea

BY : MisatosPenPen
Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male > Kakashi/Sasuke
Dragon prints: 2580
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Happy Birthday, Kakashi!

So, I posted the first chapter of this story one year ago. Still not finished. ^_^


Kakashi went to the archives after a few hours’ sleep to see if he could get a copy of photo of Team 7 for Sasuke.

The negatives had survived and Kakashi didn’t have to wait long for the photo to be printed. At least he could offer Sasuke this before he broke his heart.

Kakashi decided to have lunch at Ichiraku. The last time he ate there was with Sasuke as Sukea. It was a little late for lunch; there was only one other person there. They sat well separated, each against a wall.

Kakashi’s mind was consumed with Sasuke. He ate slowly and stirred and plucked at his ramen. Eating with his mask was better than second nature, so without attention, he kept his face covered. His mask was a comfort. He even wore his headband pulled down over his left eye despite the fact his Sharingan was gone.

He was hardly aware when he finished his meal. He put his hands together in thanks for meal and put down his money.

He pushed aside the banner with the back of his hand and stepped out into the street. And stopped dead. He was almost face to face with Sasuke.

“Sasuke!” To face the man he’d just been thinking of frightened him, as if Sasuke was summoned by his thoughts.

Sasuke started back. “Kakashi,” he greeted. “Late lunch?”

“Yeah.” Kakashi tried to regain his composure. “I had a busy morning.”

“Hn.”

“You look . . . rested.” Actually, Sasuke was practically glowing. He was lovely. Kakashi couldn’t stop his eyes dropping to Sasuke’s red lips for a moment.

Sasuke’s cheeks dusted with a blush. Kakashi died a little.

“Is there something wrong?” Sasuke asked, his eyes narrowing at him. “You haven’t worn your headband over your eye since Naruto restored it.”

“Oh,” Kakashi put his fingers over his covered left eye. “Habit.” He pushed the headband up to uncover it. “I didn’t mean to keep you,” Kakashi tried to end the conversation and flee.

“I’m not in any hurry. I was just going to pick up some groceries.”

Was he planning on making dinner for them both again? That peace and resolve he felt this morning had evaporated. There was a coward corner of his heart who just wanted to disappear from Sasuke’s life and never face the consequences. But another who wanted to keep up the sham and be Sasuke’s secret lover as Sukea.

“You look pale,” Sasuke commented. “Are you ill?”

“Tired. I kept waking up.”

“You look like shit.” There was no concern in Sasuke’s voice, but his eyes were full of it.

That made Kakashi laugh nervously. The fact he was planning on seeing Sasuke later today to admit to everything made him feel sick. Sasuke would soon know why Kakashi looked like shit. “I’m on my way home. I’ll probably take a nap.”

Sasuke hummed. “I’ll see you later,” Sasuke said, taking his leave.

Kakashi was truly feeling sick. “Yeah. See you later.”

Even if his resolve was shaken, he knew he couldn’t survive this stress much longer. He pulled his headband down again, hiding most of his face.

-----

Kakashi considered showing up to Sasuke’s door as himself, but it might be harder to convince Sasuke he was Sukea. It was easier to strip Sukea away to reveal Kakashi.

He hesitated at Sasuke’s door. He raised a hand to knock, but left it hovering near it. He touched the cheap door and ran his hand down it gently.

When did he become a coward? He knocked.

Sasuke looked relieved to see him when he opened the door. The smile on his face killed him. The last thing Kakashi wanted to do was break Sasuke’s heart. That was inevitable. He could try to lie to himself, that he withheld the truth so long and wanted to continue the lie for Sasuke’s benefit, but it was his own selfishness that dug him this deep.

“You’re earlier than normal so I haven’t started dinner,” Sasuke said as Kakashi came in and shut the door.

Kakashi had no idea what to say, but he knew he wanted to give Sasuke the photograph before anything else. “I got a copy of your team photo.” He held it out.

“Thank you,” Sasuke looked legitimately happy. Kakashi questioned all his life choices that led him to this moment.

Sasuke took it out of the envelop to look at it. He huffed a small laugh and his smile grew. “If you want to know what our team was like, this is it. I was angry at the world, Naruto was jealous and angry at me, Sakura was just happy to be on the team, and Kakashi was trying desperately to hold us together. I actually miss those days. Thank you.”

Kakashi wished death would just crash down on him right there. To see Sasuke happy and smiling at the photograph of them all just made him feel how much he loved him. How much he was about to hurt him.

“I’ll start dinner,” Sasuke said, putting the picture down.

“Wait,” Kakashi said. Sasuke stalled with a curious expression on his face. “I’ve decided I have to tell you the truth. After last night . . . which was the best night of my life—I can’t deceive you any longer. Just, no matter what, believe that I love you deeply and I never meant to hurt you.”

Sasuke didn’t look worried; he was convinced Sukea was overreacting. But he stood in front of him, ready to hear the truth.

Kakashi opened his mouth, but he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t speak. It seemed silly anyway to say ‘I’m Kakashi.’

He closed his mouth and reached out for Sasuke’s hand and slowly guided it to his right cheek. Kakashi closed his eyes while Sasuke slowly peeled the decal away. That cheek was blank, so he didn’t expect a reaction. But he then went for the decal on his left cheek. Sasuke lifted the corner with a thumb nail, but Kakashi seized his wrist before he could pull it away.

“I never meant to deceive you. Well, I did, but not in a relationship. I’m very sorry. I don’t want to lose our friendship. Please, forgive me.”

Sasuke couldn’t answer. Kakashi waited a moment before releasing Sasuke’s wrist. His eyes darted down, unable to look at Sasuke in the long moments before his secret was revealed.

Sasuke picked at the corner again and pulled it away, exposing the lower half of his scar. Kakashi raised his eyes to look at Sasuke, unable to bare his expression of betrayal, but unable to stand the suspense of what Sasuke reaction would actually be. He rubbed the makeup from his left eye, revealing the part of the scar Sasuke would actually recognize. Kakashi took hold of both of Sasuke’s hands in the moment it took for Sasuke to process the sight and held Sasuke’s hands over his lower face, covering it as his mask did. Sasuke paled and his eyes widened slightly. Kakashi pulled at the wig which he had left unsecured. Sasuke’s hands dropped slowly from his face. Maskless, Kakashi was suddenly in front of him.

“I’m so sorry, Sasuke,” Kakashi said, his voice cracking between his Sukea intonation and his natural one. He wiped at the makeup covering his other eyelid.

Sasuke just stared. He didn’t look betrayed or surprised. There was no emotion in his eyes.

Kakashi panicked not perceiving any reaction. “Say something.”

“You were fucking with us back then.”

That is what Sasuke was focusing on? Kakashi let out a nervous chuckle and rubbed at his matted hair. “Back then, yes. But I didn’t intend any of this.” His voice was finally back to his true tone. “I didn’t know you were at that restaurant. I was just trying to not be myself. I mean . . . I wanted to be ignored that night, so I disguised myself. But you asking me to join you and talking to me like a friend, I couldn’t give that up. At first, I thought it was fun to deceive you, but I really enjoyed your company. I didn’t mean to . . . I’m so sorry. You have every right to be angry. I will understand if you never want to see me again, in any way. But I do love you.”

Sasuke still didn’t respond.

“Sasuke?”

Sasuke’s expressionless mask was up. The look in his eyes was one of assessment. Kakashi concluded he was too shocked to really know how he felt.

“I really am sorry. I didn’t intend for it to go this far. I just became harder and harder to tell you the truth. I truly did fall in love with you that night when you kissed me. I didn’t want to hurt you, but after that, I just couldn’t confess.”

Still receiving no reaction, Kakashi babbled on. “I considered faking my death so I could remain as Sukea to be with you, so you would never learn the truth. Dying and styling my hair, a few tattoos and I become the man you want me to be. I thought about it seriously more than once. A nice bloody explosion while on a mission. I would do anything for you. I wish I could be the man you love. I wish I could be Sukea. I envy him. I envy a man who doesn’t even exist. If you ask it of me, I will do it.”

Still behind an unreadable mask, Sasuke said evenly, “I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.”

Kakashi looked down. “I know. I understand.”

After a few silent moments, Kakashi turned toward the door, ready to leave Sasuke. But Sasuke grabbed his upper arm, halting him. Kakashi tentatively turned to him.

Sasuke put his hand on Kakashi’s cheek and slowly touched his lips to his, closing his eyes as their lips touched. Sasuke was hesitant; Kakashi didn’t want to force it, but he opened his mouth to lick at Sasuke’s lips. Sasuke opened his mouth and allowed Kakashi to deepen the kiss. This might be the last time Kakashi will ever kiss Sasuke, so he did so passionately, like he could consume him. Sasuke didn’t pull back.

“Could we start again, please?” Kakashi asked breathlessly against Sasuke’s lips, his eyes open to slits to look at Sasuke.

Sasuke’s eyes opened slightly. “No.”

Kakashi’s heart sank.

“We’ve come too far and know each other too well to start from the beginning.”

Relief flooded him. “I understand if you can’t forgive me, but I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

“It will take that long,” Sasuke said. “I can’t forgive you right now.” Kakashi could hear a faint trace of betrayal in Sasuke’s voice, a waver of unshed tears. He had hurt him.

“I know.” He was going to leave Sasuke to process all this, but Sasuke stopped him again.

“Don’t go.”

Kakashi looked back at him. Sasuke never looked so fragile. “I won’t.”

Sasuke embraced him. Kakashi wrapped his arms around Sasuke’s back. One of Sasuke’s hands tangled in Kakashi’s ragged hair. “I guess you’ll let me touch your hair now?” His voice was weak but had a hint of humor in it.

“Yes. I like having my hair touched actually.”

Sasuke relaxed in his arms. “It all makes sense now. Your fear. Your hesitance. Fuck, you’re an asshole.”

“Yeah, I am. I really am. I warned you not to trust Sukea.”

“That you might be Kakashi did cross my mind. I wondered who I knew had your height and I might not recognize with a little makeup and a wig. You were the only one. But I didn’t think you’d do something like this.”

Kakashi held him tighter.

“It’s a good thing I like you.” Sasuke’s voice was strained, but he said it lightly. “The things I said to Sukea, I didn’t want to say to you.”

“I know. I understand. I just really wish I was the man you wanted to open up to.”

“I respected you too much. I didn’t want to show you how weak I really am.”

Kakashi released his hold on Sasuke and leaned back to look Sasuke in the face. “I don’t think you’re weak. I understand your fears and I think they’re justified. Even at your worst, I was never ashamed of you, I never thought you were weak. I think the only person I’ve ever been ashamed of is myself, for my many failures and especially for failing you.”

“You didn’t fail me.” He huffed. “You should just be ashamed that you couldn’t just tell me the truth the night I first kissed you.”

“I am. I’m ashamed how cowardly I am when it comes to you. I just didn’t want to lose you. Not as a friend, a teammate, or lover.”

“I was going to make dinner,” Sasuke said, turning away from Kakashi and the topic. “Hungry? I suppose I know why you were looking ill this afternoon.”

“Yeah. I have an appetite again.”

“Hn.”

Sasuke started preparing dinner and Kakashi didn’t know what else to do, so he followed him to the kitchen.

“Can I help?” Kakashi asked with a quiet, neutral voice.

“No, it’s half prepared.”

Kakashi settled right behind Sasuke, leaning back against the wall. Sasuke hadn’t yelled at him, grown teary-eyed with betrayal, or thrown him out, but he didn’t offer forgiveness or say he still loved him, just that he did like him. Kakashi wasn’t sure what their relationship was at the moment. It left him uncomfortable.

Neither of them spoke for some time, but Kakashi knew there was something he needed to say. Nervous, he said, “Um, about the night you left the village . . . I’m sorry I left you. Of course, if I had any idea Orochimaru’s men were targeting you that night, I would not have left your side for an instant. I didn’t just abandon you for a mission either. I was just giving you to time alone to process everything: your fight with Naruto, the things I said. I didn’t mean to abandon you that night.”

“I understood that. I did want to be alone. But part of me did feel abandoned. Part of me wished you’d stayed.”

“If you hadn’t left the village, we might have lost against Kaguya. But even all things being equal, I wish I had stayed and you had remained with us, even if it meant we all died later. I should have stayed.”

“I should have stayed too. But I don’t really regret it.”

“So, you forgive me?”

“I forgive you. For that.” As he said it, he turned around. It wasn’t Kakashi standing there, nor was it Sukea. Sasuke felt like this was some stranger, completely bare faced. That was clear to read in Sasuke’s eyes. Kakashi covered his mouth with a hand out of shyness.

“This is going to take some getting used to,” Sasuke admitted. He blushed and looked away. “You’re actually better looking than Sukea.”

“Really? How?”

“I can see your whole face and your natural hair is more attractive. And that goddamned mole.”

Sasuke turned back to continue preparing dinner. Kakashi, smiling at Sasuke’s shyness, put his arms around Sasuke’s waist, not trapping Sasuke’s arms, allowing him to work. He felt Sasuke tense up. Kakashi thought he overstepped and began to pull away, but Sasuke put a hand on Kakashi’s arm. “No, it’s okay. Sorry. I’m not quite comfortable with this.”

“You don’t have to be sorry; you’ve done nothing wrong. I’m the one who’s wronged you. Don’t apologize.” He retightened his embrace. As he breathed in the clean scent of his hair, Sasuke seemed to melt. “I can more openly promise you that I will protect you. From anything. And if you were forced to flee, I would abandon everything and go with you.”

“That means far more coming from you than from Sukea; you have a lot to leave behind.”

Kakashi hummed as he thought about it. “No, not really. Two other students and a few friends. A job I don’t want. But I do have a life here. I would give it up for you. I nearly did. If it wasn’t for this scar, I might have chosen to fake my death. But I decided I couldn’t lie to you for the rest of my life, it wouldn’t be fair to you. It may be egotistical, but I also didn’t want to make you grieve for me. Same for killing Sukea; I didn’t want to break your heart.”

“I appreciate that.”

“I never wanted to do any harm to you. Of any kind.” He kissed his hair and finally did pull away so Sasuke could finish cooking. He went to the bathroom to properly wash his face and pluck out his contacts, shedding the last of Sukea. Feeling more awkward than ever being left to his own devices in Sasuke’s home, Kakashi just took up his position at the low table and just listened to Sasuke move about.

Sasuke began bringing out their dinner. Kakashi started to stand to help, but Sasuke waved him back down.

“You really missed your calling,” Kakashi said looking at the full meal laid out before him.

Sasuke sat in his usual spot, not choosing to sit further from him. “Maybe. If the world was more peaceful when I was a kid.”

“Times will be more peaceful, but never at peace.” Kakashi raised his cup of tea. “Here’s to job security.”

“To job security.” Sasuke took a sip. “I’ve given that a lot of thought. I’m the last person in the world with a Sharingan and a Rinnegan. I thought about leaving. There are those who would attack Konoha for my eyes. But if the world is more peaceful, there will be fewer who would come for me. If they attacked and I wasn’t here—well, you and Naruto could take care of that. But I would feel guilty not being here to help.”

“You’ll stay?”

“I’ll stay. I could have protected the village from without, but perhaps I’ll be more valuable within.”

“You’re valuable to me wherever you are. Always have been. But I want you here.”

“I’ll stay.” Sasuke wasn’t angry, but he wasn’t as open and relaxed as he normally was when they had dinner together.

“Will you stay in this apartment? If you’re not hording your money, you can get a larger place.”

“I’ll remain here for the time being. Why move?” After a few minutes where they both just ate, Sasuke said, “I think you should still disguise yourself as Sukea when we go out together.”

“Huh?” That threw Kakashi off considerably.

“I don’t want gossip; I think you should be Sukea when we do go out. People are already used to seeing Sukea and I.”

“Well, it does make eating easier.”

“But when we’re alone together, no masks: physical or mental.”

“That is going to be hard. I’ve been hiding behind a mask of laziness and apathy for a long time. I’ve been more open to you to than anyone in my life. I never want to lie to you or deceive you again.”

“I don’t really want you to change. I fell in love with Sukea, but I always did like you too. If your real self is a mixture, I’ll be happy with that. I don’t want you to stop being the infuriating bastard jounin. I hope what you truly are is what I fell in love with.”

“I hope so too.”

“When we’re outside, you are either my captain or my friend. When we are alone . . . I’m not sure I’m ready to be lovers. I want to continue the relationship we have, but I need time to get used to the idea of having sex with my ex-sensei.”

“I understand. It took me quite a bit of time to accept it. I will give you as much, or as little, space as you want. Now you understand why I was so hesitant to sleep with you.”

“Hn,” Sasuke hummed contentedly. “Seducing and teasing you was a lot fun,” he said with a smirk.

Another silence.

“So, that teammate you were telling me about, that was Obito?” Sasuke asked, his tone finally returning to how it normally was when they had dinner together.

A little more hopeful at Sasuke’s relaxed tone, he responded with renewed cheer. “Yeah. He was a lot like Naruto. Trying to show off and prove himself. Competing with me.”

“And when you said you almost died?”

“When I really died. I want to assure you, everything I said to you when I was Sukea was true except when it came to who I am. I didn’t fake any opinions or make up stories. When I spoke about myself, I mean, spoke about Kakashi, I spoke the truth.” He felt a bit embarrassed because he’d said a lot about himself in the guise of another’s observations. He covered his lower face with a hand again.

Sasuke eyed him. “Don’t do that,” he said, pulling his eyes away. Correctly reading Kakashi’s thoughts, he said, “Neither of us should really be embarrassed. We spoke the truth to someone we trust.”

“I just really feel exposed right now. If I didn’t have my mask, I had the decals and wig; I always have something to hide behind. Now, I don’t. I admitted a lot to you too that I wouldn’t to anyone else; things that it was hard to admit even to myself.”

“Same. We’re almost even then.”

So much of the meal passed in awkward silence, it was a relief when it was done. Sasuke didn’t offer tea this time. Kakashi stood up. Not knowing what to say, he just nodded and headed for the door.

“I don’t want to be alone tonight.” There was no sexual invitation in Sasuke’s voice; he sounded hesitant. “Stay the night?”

Kakashi smiled softly at him like Sukea did. “Yeah.”

Sasuke’s eyes were so vulnerable. Sasuke was aware of it and turned away. He turned off the light, leaving them both to partially strip and find the bed with the scant moonlight that was coming from the other side of the building.

They laid down on their backs very close, but not touching.

“This is awkward,” Kakashi confessed. Silence. Sasuke turned onto his side, his back to Kakashi. This was familiar. “Can I touch you?” Silence. It was going to take a lot of time to recover from this.

“Yes,” Sasuke whispered.

Kakashi turned onto his side too and put his arm over Sasuke’s side like Sukea had before. He felt Sasuke’s body relax. His own arm relaxed and slackened a bit as he started to slip off. He still didn’t feel secure, but he was without that sinking sense of dread he’d been living with for a while now.

Sasuke maneuvered his hand under Kakashi’s and laced their fingers. Kakashi smiled and relaxed behind his lover.

“I love you,” Kakashi whispered. He didn’t expect a reply.

“I love you. Kakashi.”

Kakashi devoutly hoped Sasuke didn’t realize he started to cry.

 

TBC



You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story