Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

If You Only Knew	By : wind-owls Category: Naruto AU/AR > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1735 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters in the story. It's purely a work of fiction. I do not profit from the use and/or distribution of any content presented in the story.

Chapter List
- 1-If You Only Knew
- 1
If You Only Knew
Lee is walking around his room late at night, looking away from Gaara as he stands in the doorway, waiting from him to finish his thought process. Gaara knows how it goes; Lee struggles every single time but eventually the same thing happens.
‘You are my worst obsession, my sickest desire. I keep hanging on a thread of resisting every urge. Yet when I think I can push the sin away, the way you unbutton your shirt, the way you light our candles, or the way you fumble with the choker around your neck, makes me feel uneasy and high. My breath breaks and shakes in the dark of my room as I watch you sleep next to me. I hate what you turn my reasonable, cerebral reasoning into acts of nonsense, all violent and incoherent. You turn on the bestial subside of my human nature, that, like a domino effect in turn, poisons me and makes me act upon my lust. It makes my grab so forceful, it leaves your skin stained with bruises of my brute strength. It turns me into an intoxicated animal, blinded by the bare, rough, and naked passion for my need to be inside you fulfilled. You feel tight like a virgin - so far from the truth.
I could stop. I want to stop. But you don’t let me because you moan loudly at my attempts to make you powerless under my grip on your wrists or under the ropes I cover your body with. I despise you for wanting me this way but I foremost loathe myself for allowing you to make me weak and slip into such manners. I hate that I love seeing you writhe under my stare and grip, I hate that you beg me to use you, and I am so fooled by your charm. Here you are in memories in my mind, your body shaking in ecstasy, begging for my touch, imploring me to use you yet in fact, the more I think about it, I realize that it is you who are actually using me. The harmony between us is truly an illusion, projected by your false display of being submissive. But when the day ends, you can play the victim card and I stand alone while next to you, knowing, that you made my hands dirty.
I am so fond of you, loving you seems like the purpose of my existence, so I, of course, will try to make you the happiest. Loving you, oh, loving you, how could I do that? Should I hold your hand on the way home? Should I kiss you a sweet morning and night? Should I buy whatever you would like? Should I just bath you in tenderness? Could I lay my head on your stomach, kissing the warm, milky skin of yours? Could I be gentle and respectful to you and your body? This is where we slip apart and the mess begins.
When I ask how could I love you, you part your lips playfully. You get that sly shine in your eyes, then you know you got me hooked. Silly me. You don’t want me to hold your hand on the way home, you say, because we don’t go home together. You don’t want me to kiss you sweet morning and night, because we don’t wake up next to each other. You don’t want my gifts because you want no trace behind. You don’t want my tenderness, you say, because you like it rough. I cannot lay my head down on your body because you don’t allow me a single second to do anything but fuck you. Gentle and respectful? Who am I kidding, you say.
I remember him, as he easily said it accompanied by a chuckle, “Do you really love me? Do you really want to make me happy, Lee? Then be anything but loving. I don’t want your love. I want you to play me like a card under your sleeve, like that forbidden, dirty trick. Play with me…Ohh Lee…I know that deep inside…this is why you want me.”
Your words haunt me. Not necessarily because they are true, as they do to some level sound wrong, but rather because you believe the validity of your own perception of my love to the fullest. My sweet Gaara – you make me believe that I want what you want. This is why you are so dangerous, by your nature you are tempting and mischievous.’
When Lee finished his thought process, he automatically looks in Gaara’s eyes who didn’t take his eyes off of him since the beginning. When their gaze crosses, Gaara knows it’s time for him to break the silence.
- Lee…I want you to tie me up. Please, tie me up.
- B-but why would I?! Gaara, it makes no sense. If we both want the same thing, then by logic, we consciously made the decision to follow through and desire it. Tying you up would mean you would actually want to struggle and at some point diverge in the plan. That means that I would force you to do what I want. This is not right, Gaara! I don’t want to force you to do anything! I want to allow you the opportunity to stop and break free at any point, but immobilizing you would make you powerless. How could I let that happen?! I love you!
Gaara’s plush lips part around a dragged and slow sigh at that. He starts to feel like Lee does this on purpose, just so he can hear Gaara tell him the same things over and over again.
- I want to be at your mercy… I want you to have the power and control. Control me. Make me take your cock inside me, make me suck you, make me beg for your touch. That’s what I want. It doesn’t make sense, but I love when you hold me down, every now and then. You do it without me asking you to do that, which shows me it’s in you. You want that, too. You want to be in control. Then be. Use me as you wish, do whatever you want with me. I will do anything you want – the ropes give me no choice to protest or escape.
- Gaara…I really don’t know how –
- Do you really love me?
- Of course I do! A million times, yes!
- And do you really want to make me happy, Lee?
- Gaara I –
- Then be anything but loving! I don’t want your love! I want you to play me like a card under your sleeve, like that forbidden, dirty trick. Play with me…Ohh Lee…I know that deep inside…this is why you want me. Of all the people around you, all those who would do everything to have you, they want exactly what you offer on the surface. They want to hold hands with you, have you whisper lullabies and promises in their ears. They were there all along but you looked at me and thought, it is me you want. Why? Think about it Lee. What separates me from them is everything. I am their opposite. I don’t want any of that fluff. I want you rough and raw, exactly for why you picked me. Because no matter how much you try to tell yourself that it’s just what your heart led you to, you indeed cherry-picked me. You wanted me for who I am and that’s all I really need. Ah, please, Lee. Let yourself go…let yourself truly love me…Treat me however you want. I give you that freedom because that in turn sets me free.
- Gaara…you may be right that perhaps it was no coincidence I ended up with you. Maybe I do enjoy having the upper hand. But you make it seem like every day with you is nothing but a one-night stand, you pushing me to objectify not just your body but your whole being. Slavery is illegal for a reason, then why would you want to feel like one even for a glimpse of a moment? Yet that’s all you’re looking for with me.
- Lee…don’t look for answers as you won’t find any. I’m standing on the side of this idea you can analyze as much as you want but you won’t ever understand, because you are not the one who wants to submit. It only makes sense that it’s sounds something you would never want! A person who wants to be in control doesn’t feel the same way about being without control as the one who wants exactly just that. Please! I stand before you on my knees! Lee…just play with me. Come on…you know you want to. Please…
Gaara knelt before Lee, twisting his hands behind his back, biting on his bottom lip as he shook his hips invitingly. That’s the worst, Lee thought, when he makes himself so irresistible, nothing but an offer. Lee sighed…He felt terribly aroused from the sight and sound and also terrible in general from knowing that he was about to sin again. Every damn night, he falls under the spell of Gaara.
- Don’t make me do this… – Lee weakly resisted, but Gaara smiled wickedly to himself, seeing that Lee already stepped closer. Lee might think he is battling with himself but Gaara knew that unconsciously, Lee gave up a long time ago. It was easy from here.
- Lee…I need you.
- Stop…
- Please. Come and touch me! I want your touch so much!
Gaara stood up, walking over to Lee and pushing him on the bed that was behind him. He then sat in his lap and took Lee’s hands, putting them on his hips. Lee looked lost, his pupils expanded wide, the darkness just as deep as the green eyes staring into them. Gaara leaned forward, whispering seductively and slowly into Lee’s ear.
- Lee…ahh, Lee. I love your hands on my body. Mark me, leave bruises on my hips. I want to feel you loving me…Don’t you love me?
Right away, Lee snapped out of his daze. His instincts were turned on in that instant, the line was crossed as Lee thought, ‘Me not loving you? Oh no! Of course I do! I do! I do!’ Gaara joyfully and excitedly watched Lee’s expression turning from lost to determined and aggressive, then he closed his eyes and threw his head back at the feeling of Lee’s fingers tightening their grip around his hips. ‘Yes’ – Gaara thought. ‘More, Lee, harder.’ Gaara was doomed with a demon living inside him that wanted to destroy him with the worst kind of pleasure out there; that is the pleasure that comes from pain.
Lee suddenly took a strong hold on Gaara’s entire body and flipped them over, almost throwing Gaara on the bed and climbing on top of him. He mercilessly grabbed Gaara by the throat and kissed him hard, his other hand removing his belt along the way. He soon let go of Gaara’s neck and used it to hold the redhead’s wrists above his head. When he got the belt out of his jeans, he grabbed Gaara by the waist and flipped him around, taking Gaara’s wrists once again and tying them together behind his back. Gaara mused how easily Lee handled him, that it took no effort and sweat for Lee to just throw him around like a toy.
- Is this what you wanted? Look at yourself. Your skin flushed…you almost look so innocent like this. Almost. – Lee commented as he turned Gaara around so he would face him. Gaara just bit on his lower lip, suddenly caught off guard from Lee’s dirty talking. It came so naturally from him. Lee was really speaking his mind and that excited Gaara. This was the best part, really, like jumping from the top of the rock to the lake below, suspended in mid-fall when you can’t do anything else but free your mind and let the moment take over you. That moment was Lee, and Gaara felt so free and safe.
- Answer me! – Lee demanded, not knowing what was in his lover’s head.
- Yes, Lee.
- Yes what?
- This is what I wanted. I-I want it.
Lee could not deny the rush he felt from having Gaara under him like this. In the core of his body, somewhere around the bottom of his stomach, he felt ecstasy like electricity rise, fueling his body to keep looking for more. Was Gaara right? Is he really nothing but an animal in disguise? Can Gaara reduce him to this level? Shouldn’t he stop and just get Gaara “cured”, whatever that may entail?
Yet, what is wrong about trusting Lee so much? Clearly, Gaara looks aroused but relaxed, which showed Lee that Gaara feels safe with him. Why would he disappoint the person he loved the most by betraying him and giving him up to a psychiatrist? Labeling him “sick” and “in need of help” doesn’t sound right. That would maybe do the opposite of what Lee wants, and end up hurting Gaara’s feelings and trust in him. If he really loves Gaara, then the best he can do is give him what he claims he needs – however destructive that may appear to Lee himself.
And so Lee grabbed Gaara’s thighs and pushed his legs apart, settling closer to Gaara. Gaara pulled Lee closer by hugging him with his legs, wanting to feel him as close as possible. Lee embraced the moment, loving that he is the only person who can get this close to Gaara, but hating that this is as far as he can get at the same time.
Deep inside, the Shukaku within Gaara had a blast, laughing how pathetic the situation is. All this time, Lee felt so guilty and afraid that he is using Gaara when it’s really the other way around. What Lee doesn’t understand is that freedom is open to interpretations. To Gaara, free could never be closer to having Lee in control so Gaara feels wanted. To Lee, it’s the joy of making Gaara happy with the sorrow that he doesn’t find it politically correct. Yet the Shukaku senses that Lee enjoys this is much as Gaara, if not more, and the two together are nothing but the two sides of the very same coin. At least Lee pretended to fight against it, but there are no winners and losers here. No one is right or wrong.
- Lee! Take me already!
- Oh, you want me so soon? You are so hard already. Your pant is soaked with your pre-cum. Gaara, Gaara…you are such a dirty boy…
- Ahhh-hah…L-Lee…
- You know what I want to hear.
- Yes…Please Lee! Please fuck me! I want to cum while you are inside of me! Ohhh please! – Gaara’s voice sounded broken, deep, and it echoed in Lee’s mind.
- Good boy.
Lee ripped Gaara’s pants apart, the sound of his own clothes ripping under Lee’s sheer tear driving Gaara almost to the edge. The thought of how physically strong Lee is in perfect contrast to how easy it is to manipulate him emotionally. Then Lee pushed his fingers toward Gaara’s mouth and instructed him to suck on them.
- Make them nice and wet. I won’t use much lube so it’s up to you how painful or satisfying my fingers inside you will be.
- Ahh… – Gaara moaned with Lee’s fingers in his mouth. Until then, Lee reached up to the drawer next to them, a bottle of lube always ready for use just in case. Although Lee hoped those would be used to make love, he liked to pretend that in some way, this was love making too, only a different, twisted kind.
- Say my name while you suck on them.
- Hmmm-mm, Lee-hmmm..ahh, ph-please.
- Pretend it’s my cock. Take them all the way.
- Hmmmm… - Gaara kept moaning as he already felt like cumming.
Lee got some mercy so he took his fingers out and poured some lube on them, although not much, just to stay credible and true to his words. He then started to slowly push his fingers inside, crossing and scissoring inside Gaara’s hole.
- I’m going to cum! Stop, Lee!
- You won’t.
Lee took his fingers out, Gaara almost screaming from that. He quickly walked over to another drawer in the room that had a cock ring in it.
As he took the ring out and walked back toward Gaara, his words from before were echoing in his head…‘Then be anything but loving! I don’t want your love! I want you to play me like a card under your sleeve, like that forbidden, dirty trick. Play with me…Ohh Lee…’ He loves Gaara. Loves him so much, he will give Gaara what he needs and more. Lee is definitely an overachiever.
When he walked back, he pushed the ring on Gaara’s cock, which made the redhead struggle from frustration and pleasure all at once.
- Please don’t do this Lee! Let me cum! Please let me cum!
- But this is what you wanted so much, my love. You wanted me to use you. Now you suddenly try to give me orders? It won’t work that way. I’m in control, as you wished, and I will not let you cum sooner than I want you to.
- Please Lee! – Gaara practically screamed into the air, being so desperately at the edge, he really just wanted to orgasm. Yet this was the deal, this is what Lee talked about. Gaara is at his mercy and things won’t happen the way he wants them. The Shukaku enjoyed observing the shaky power dynamics between the two because although Lee was in power now, it was still what Gaara begged for from the beginning.
Lee pretended to ignore Gaara’s pleading and instead kept preparing him for his cock. When he felt like Gaara was ready to take him, Gaara was already seeing starts where there wasn’t any. He entered him roughly, making Gaara moan in pleasure. He moved inside him in a merciless rhythm, like a wild animal in heat. The redhead’s entire body was moving up and down with the rhythm, his eyes teary around the corners. When Lee felt very close, he stopped to tease Gaara one last time for the night before removing the ring so they can cum at the same time.
- So how bad do you want to cum? – Lee smirked.
- So much! Ahh-hh Lee! Please! I’m begging you! Please let me cum! I want to cum so much! Please let me! Please! I-I want to, very, very much!
- I don’t know…I’m not sure if you’ve been good enough. Sometimes, you sounded quiet demanding.
- I’m sorry! I’ll behave! I’m a good boy! – The lines just poured out from Gaara, every line screamed yet monotone, the lines learned, memorized and rehearsed for the show. Whatever it takes, he will say it, but he knows what he has to say. Although all so sincere, they are nevertheless in vain to some extent by now.
Lee felt like he teased Gaara enough so he grabbed the ring and slowly pulled it off. As he witnessed Gaara lose himself in pleasure, he soon came too, closing his eyes to focus on the sounds Gaara made. He then opened his eyes to look at one of his most beloved moments, that is when Gaara rides out his orgasm, his hips moving out of pattern, up and down, side to side in opposite directions of his head moving from one side of his cheek to the other. Broke and covered in sweat, his red hair sticking to his forehead and skin flushed like a man in fever, Lee thought it’s beautiful to see the process of a usually cold and collected Gaara looking like a shattered mirror. In those broken mirror pieces, he saw himself, his own actions coming undone. The question is, does the image he see is distorted, or does it show who Lee truly is?
When they both caught their breath, Lee slipped out of Gaara and turned him around to untie him. He then went to take a shower and Gaara followed soon, each of them quickly cleaning themselves and changing the cover sheet on the bed before having the silk sheets and the regrets warmly embrace them for the night. Gaara fell asleep first, murmuring a ‘thank you’ for Lee’s “service”. Lee just sat next to him in bed, watching him.
‘You are my worst obsession, my sickest desire. I keep hanging on a thread of resisting every urge…. My breath breaks and shakes in the dark of my room as I watch you sleep next to me. I hate what you turn my reasonable, cerebral reasoning into acts of nonsense, all violent and incoherent…’
Lee thought for such a long time so intensively, he exhausted himself to sleep. Soon afterwards, Gaara woke up to leave as usual, never allowing Lee to wake up next to him. That would mean more than what he intends their exchange of services to be. As he dresses and looks into the mirror, seeing the bites and bruises, he does feel filthy and lonely. But he pushed those feelings deep inside him before he would start to miss this idiot snoring between the black silk sheets. Gaara’s emotions are complicated even for Gaara himself so he leaves before he would question his feelings.
Lee woke up to the sound of the door shutting. It was quiet and the sound blended in with the silence of the night, but he trained his ears to recognize that shallow sound so he would know what time Gaara leaves. It’s 4:03 AM. Lee yawned bitterly but somewhat comfortably. It’s bad but also good without Gaara there. ‘Well, yeah. He doesn’t like all that fluff.’
The End.
Notes: The 4:03 AM and the title of this writing is a reference to one of my favorite songs, If You Only Knew by Shinedown.
“It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep

Without you next to me I

Toss and turn like the sea…”
“If you only knew

How many times I counted

All the words that went wrong

If you only knew

How I refuse to let you go,

Even when you’re gone…”
The song goes well with the mood of the piece as well, that’s why I chose it as the title. If I write smut, it has to have something deep to it, which I hope you also enjoyed or wish to go back to if you skipped. It simply enriches the sexual connection between the characters in my opinion, if it’s a good psychological or philosophical twist. I explored a doubt I’ve been having recently with debating whether it’s O.K. to have a D/s relationship with someone while I want to give them freedom the way I interpret it and the way I would want freedom from others. But, in this piece, I accepted that Gaara thinks freedom is something else, that is why they are the two sides of the same coin with Lee who touches upon my interpretation of freedom in the beginning. Gaara plays the submissive role in the relationship, and to him freedom is what the Dom, that is Lee, can give him. At the same time, they have a slight power dynamic because many times subs have the power to manipulate the Dom’s actions. It also takes mutual consent of the starts and ends of every sexual intercourse so Gaara had the control he wanted and he was deprived of the ones he wanted to be deprives of. But here we see that Gaara struggles to give full trust to Lee outside of their bedroom, which makes the relationship bitter and feel like the story is not over. They both struggle with one or multiple doubts but that was my twist. I tried to stay true to the characters’ personalities as well while also bringing them to a new light. I hope you enjoyed!
Sorry for grammar mistakes. Although I speak, write, and read English fluently and have ESL language efficiency, I know there’s room to improve. I apologize if it took away some enjoyment from the story but practice makes perfect!
- 1
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

If You Only Knew