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Stranger Things Have Happened	By : Makkoska Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1186 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own the Naruto fandom and make no money with this fic.

Chapter List
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- 2
Summary: When Hidan is captured by a group of shinobi hunting for him, Kakuzu grudgingly has to come to his rescue. It starts a chain of events that neither of them anticipated.
Notes and warning: This is going to be a longish KakuzuxHidan story. Please heed the rating – warning is for yaoi, language, gore, violence – this is about the Zombie Combo after all. Reviews are loved and cherished.
Additional warnings: Unbetad. Feel free to point out my mistakes. Also, the names of the OCs are random. Any similarities with real names are just coincidence.

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Stranger Things Have Happened
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"... so this old fuck comes up to me and says; My son, it’s still not late to repent your sins. Kali is the true God – he embraces even the likes of you. Now to think of it, it might not have been Kali. Well, the fuck cares. Bloody old heathen... You know, I’m not against a good, heated, theological argument…”
Hidan laughed his usual, crazy laugh. The nerve under Kakuzu’s left eye started to twitch. The masked Akatsuki lengthened his stride, but his partner caught up with him easily, not shutting his mouth even for drawing breath.
“…wiped the blood from the scythe. The old coot’s apprentice swore to convert. So I sent him to Jashin-sama, hehe…”
He kept on walking just a step behind him, slightly to the right. Just on the edge of his vision. Like an irritating fly that kept circling around you but always avoided being swatted.
“…I told Itachi that he wouldn’t have that sour expression on his camel-face all the time if only he would convert… but what did I get for my efforts? He set me on fire!”
Kakuzu tried to lock out the buzz, but it was one of those days he just couldn’t. The twitch under his eye was becoming permanent. He tried his best meditation technique – namely counting mentally all Akatsuki’s and his own income for the month – but he kept losing his concentration. It didn’t help that he knew that Hidan was provoking him on purpose. After having the zealot as a partner for almost five months he recognised the differences when Hidan was irritating because that was the way he was, and when he was irritating because he was bored. And he seemed to know only one way to chase away his boredom - aggravating Kakuzu until he reacted. This little monologue was definitely the second category.
“… then Kisame, that fish-eyed moron…”
Another twitch. In the last thirty years Kakuzu never lost the control over any part of his body. Over his long life he made several alteration to his own body, using both his bloodline ability and several Forbidden Techniques until he was in control of every muscle, every thread. He couldn’t even recall the last time when he had any of his nerves jumping on its own accord.
“… in the end Jashin embraces us all – I just help people to get to him faster.”
Akatsuki budget. Incomes and expenses. In the last few weeks they – or rather he, Hidan being a hindrance more than help in most cases - managed to hunt down three wanted man who were worth a nice sum of money. But even this thought didn’t help to tune out the zealot, who was now right on his heels and kept talking and talking.
“…even an ungodly miser like you, Kakuzu. Just a stab – well, in your case five – and with the blood your sins would flow out and you could be united with Jashin-sama forever. Death is really not a high price for this,” and with that he patted the masked man’s shoulder in such a patronizing way that no one else would have dared.
The urge to kill pushed all thoughts aside in Kakuzu’s mind. If the little cretin wanted his reaction that much, he could get it. So quick that Hidan couldn’t have seen more than a blur he whirled around, intending to break the other’s neck.
Hidan – whose reaction time usually didn’t compare to Kakuzu’s – was obviously expecting the attack, and dove.
“Hey, hey, no need to get angry!” He chortled. “But at least I know that it’s not your walking corpse I’ve been talking to in the last two hours. I’ve been afraid, the way you kept so fucking silent… Hey!”
He raised his scythe just in time to block the shuriken Kakuzu aimed for his eye.
“The fuck are you throwing things for! You should be grateful that I care for your heathen soul!”
Without a word, Kakuzu turned around and started to walk once again. He listened to Hidan’s steps as he caught up with him. This is a test, he thought. If the fanatic little idiot has more brains than a cockroach, he will keep his mouth shut. Of course this wasn’t something he really expected of him…
3…2…1… and he was proven right. A sigh, then Hidan spoke again on his most whiney, most irritating voice.
“I swear Kakuzu that you are the most boring asshole I ever had the misfortune of spending time with. What’s the matter, have the sewing got loose on your ugly gob and you can no longer talk?”
Kakuzu unfastened the stitches on his right arm. The hand –being now connected to his body only through his threads – swung backwards, grabbed Hidan’s throat and lifted him off the ground. The masked man slowly turned around until he was face to face with Hidan. He let the muscles and skin connect again. The zealot’s legs were swinging a good four inches above the ground.
Hidan’s fair complex turned to a vivid shade of red then to purple as he failed to peel the steely fingers from his neck. His mouth was still working, but only some slight wheezing sound came through his crushed windpipe.
A minute… two… the fingers that tried to pull away the older shinobi’s grip loosened. Hidan’s legs were still twitching though, so to be sure, Kakuzu kept holding on.
Ah, silence. Peace. This was Nirvana. Kakuzu dropped the limp body on the ground and sighed in contentment. He had eared five minutes of serenity. Ten, is he put up a good pace, before Hidan would revive and catch up with him.
It was by sunset when Kakuzu finally stopped. He didn’t want to acknowledge it, but he found it disturbing that Hidan hadn’t caught up with him yet. Hours have passed since he left him – so why wasn’t he on his heels yet, whining and cursing and annoying the hell out of Kakuzu? Silently promising him a painful welcome, Kakuzu got off the road and settled down. He hoped to reach the next village that day, but maybe it was better this way. Nature didn’t charge him for the night, while if they would be staying at an Inn, he would be left paying for his partner’s accommodation as well as his own. As always.
He ate his light dinner then lay down on the dry grass, hands folded beneath his head. He watched the stars lighting up on the darkening sky under half-lidded eyes. Ha had to make best of the calm and silence until it lasted. By this time Hidan surely had enough of sulking and would catch up with him any time now. All of their supplies and money were with Kakuzu, and he was pretty sure the big-mouthed zealot didn’t remember where they were heading. He never paid any attention on the Akatsuki gatherings. Lazy, fanatic idiot… He would turn up in any minute and start bitching. Kakuzu just wasn’t that lucky to have lost him…
It had to be around midnight – the moon was shining high on the sky – when Kakuzu was flying back next to the road, leaping from branch to branch. Mentally, he kept promising Hidan the most painful death. They were getting late on their schedule again. It was not the time to play games. When it came to Kakuzu, it was never the time, Hidan should have known that by now. After this, he would keep marching the bloody cretin all night, even if he had to keep kicking him for it the whole time.
Kakuzu went motionless when he reached the spot where he left his partner’s body. There was no sign of Hidan.
Though he wasn’t a specialist on tracking, during his long life Kakuzu acquired many useful abilities. He closed his eyes and concentrated. If Hidan had been in a mile radius he would have sensed his presence. But he found nothing.
He descended from the tree and looked around in the moonlight. The ground was dry and hard like bone, as it hadn’t rained for weeks, so he couldn’t hope for many clues, but still… a treaded upon patch of grass here, a mark of a booted feet there… After a few minutes he came to the conclusion that Hidan had very probably been taken away by a small group of people. Undoubtedly he hadn’t revived yet when he had been found. He wasn’t the type who went down quietly and let himself be captured. Or maybe they found him incapacitated at the middle of the road and wanted to help him… but no… no one in their right mind would want to help Hidan.
Kakuzu straightened up from his crouch and eyed the almost invisible track that led between the trees. Principles he had heard a lifetime ago – and had ignored for almost as long – came to his mind. Like the importance of teamwork, or never abandoning your partners. It didn’t matter, he came to the decision after a few thoughtful minutes. Whoever captured Hidan, he wished them happiness with him. If the priest couldn’t escape – that would be his own bloody fault.

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“You damned bastards! Heathen, godless fucks! Jashin will have you rot…”
A kick between his ribs silenced Hidan for a moment, but as soon as he managed to catch his breath again he continued his thrashing and swearing.
“We should cut his filthy tongue out, Amana-sensei!”
“We can’t do that Zoza, he had to be interrogated. Kumogakure had been searching for him for months! We had amazing luck in finding him like that.”
“But if he has any teammates, he will bring them to us with his screaming.”
“I doubt that he has any – the way we found him, left in the middle of the road. Someone defeated him, without realizing what he was really capable of. But gag him, just to be sure – I don’t want to listen to his filth anyway. We will take him home, and the interrogators will have him singing.”
Hidan bit the Kumogakure shinobi when he bent over him with the rag, but in the end the three of them had him pinned down and he was silenced. He had to settle for cursing them silently. When he managed to break free he would sacrifice them to Jashin-sama the most painful way possible.
He carefully tested the knot that tied his hands behind his back. He thought that he managed to loosen it the slightest bit during his rampage, but in the silence that followed he had no chance to work on it further.
He glanced longingly at his scythe, but it was far out of reach, propped up next to the door. He looked around in the shabby hut they were in. Where the hell they were, he didn’t know. Probably in the middle of the fucking forest.
He felt like shit. His whole body was throbbing as the tightly pulled rope cut into his flesh. His neck was still hurting as well, where Kakuzu strangled him previously.
Damn Kakuzu, this whole shit was his fault. If he wouldn’t have choked him, or at least haven’t left him alone on the road, the three ninjas wouldn’t have captured him. What was his issue anyway, when Hidan was just trying to keep himself amused? If it would have been up to Kakuzu, he would have died or boredom ages ago. And even now he was biding his time, not coming to Hidan’s aid. You better arrive soon you old fuck.
He tried to loosen rope on his hand further, but the leader of the hostile shinobi caught him at it and rewarded him with a strong kick. Hidan, trussed up as he was, fall over and hit his head on the wooden floor.
“You will pay for this, bloody whore!” he wanted to shout, but he could only manage muffled sounds through the filthy rag in his mouth. The woman lifted him up and shoved him against the wall. Bloody bitch was strong.
“Keep your mouth shut, you worm,” she hissed into his face “or you will only leave this place in pieces.”
Hidan pulled his legs up and kicked her in the stomach, as hard as his awkward position allowed. It wasn’t the best of ideas – the only thing he earned was a sound beating.
Afterwards he lay on the floor, every part aching. He tried to make the best of the riot and loosen the knot behind his back further. He tried to convince himself that he succeeded to at least to some degree – but he definitely needed more time to break free. But when he did, these fuckheads would regret the day they crossed path with him. Then he would go and find Kakuzu and, and… and will take all of his money and spend it on something stupid and useless.
Revenge was sweet to Jashin, and it was sweet to his follower as well. And really… that was the harshest punishment one could think of when it came to that stitched-together, heartless (figuratively speaking) old dick. Hidan repressed a chuckle. Oh yeah, this was a master plan. He just had to do it.
It soon turned out however that this was easier said than done. He couldn’t get out of the bonds. The Kumogakure shinobi soon went off to sleep, but one of them always kept watch of Hidan. There was also something wrong with the rope – it looked like the more Hidan tried to pull on it, the tighter it became. The immortal started to worry that he won’t finish by daybreak the way things were going. His hands had gone completely numb as the circulation was cut off by the tight rope, which made the meticulous work almost impossible. The temptation to give into sleep was great. He could still escape in the morning. He was so tired…
Come on Hidan, Jashin-sama is on your side. He tried to keep his mind fresh with reciting his god’s edicts – but there weren’t that many of them, and more or less said the same thing. That the enemy – or anyone you didn’t particularly like – had to be smashed, destroyed in mind and body. Usually this was completely satisfactory to Hidan and enough to keep him amused, but tired as he was his eyes started to close halfway through his litany.
I can’t fall asleep. If come morning Kakuzu finally arrives and finds me trussed up and sleeping he will laugh his ass off. I am Jashin –sama’s priest. Hidan the Immortal. A week enemy, like sleep cannot defeat me…
He woke up to someone shaking him. The light shining through the cracks of the hut told him it was dawn. One of his captors yanked him to his feet.
“Let’s go,” said their leader. “Zoza, you will lead this monster. Nohan and I will cover you from both sides in case he tries anything.” With that she bended over and cut the ropes binding Hidan’s legs together. It was only the gag stopping the priest from crying out in joy. He took a staggering step – his legs have fallen asleep, so he didn’t even had to pretend – then he spun around abruptly and kicked the woman who was just rising up on the head. He ducked and managed to avoid a kunai aimed for his heart and only took the blow of a katana.
He shuddered in delight as the cold steel bit into his hip. Perfect – the wound would bleed enough to draw the symbol of Jashin on the ground. Now he only had to taste one of the idiots’ blood and he would have one enemy down.
There was only a small problem with that – his hands were still bound behind his back and his mouth was still stuffed with the rag. Maybe he should have thought the plan through better. Unfortunately it wasn’t the time to lament on it – his three enemies charged on him, and Hidan had to make the best of all his taijutsu skills to avoid being incapacitated. With a somersault he evaded being beheaded by the leader-bitch, but he was running out of possibilities. Close quarters wasn’t on his side either and he was soon forced into a corner. A kunai reached its mark and sank deep into his stomach. He coughed up blood, but couldn’t spit it out due to his gag. Quite inelegantly he started to retch and choke. The Kumogakure shinobi – unsportsmanlike fucking bastards – charged on him and stabbed him until he looked like a morbid pincushion with all of those kunais and shurikens sticking out of him.
“Amana-sensei,” he heard the ninja with the sword as if he was speaking from underwater, “are you sure that his worm is immortal? I don’t think he will survive otherwise…”
Hidan’s vision started to grey out and he found it difficult to focus on the woman’s face as she leaned in close above him. Jashin help him, but he hated this, the dying, when he wasn’t in control of it.
The bitch lifted him up from the ground and tore the rag from his mouth. Hidan spat the blood out from his mouth with relief. He was only sorry that he didn’t have enough strength to hit the woman on her face with it.
“Listen you freak,” she pinned Hidan against the wall. The immortal snarled at her – he just couldn’t strand aggressive bitches like her. “If you try to pull a trick like this again we will cut you to pieces and take you to Kumogakure like that. It is even possible that we will lose a few less important parts on the journey. Understood?”
Hidan had to restrain himself from rolling his eyes. Threats, threats. It was like listening to Kakuzu. Though his partner was fucking intimidating when he was really angry. The woman had nothing on him.
“Of course babe,” Hidan grinned at her and got a slap that made his ears ring as a reward.
The enemy group escorted him out of the hut and took their formation, obviously preparing for the worst. On the little clearing where the hut stood all was peaceful. The lights of dawn sparkled on the dewy leaves and birds were singing nearby. Pity that Hidan wasn’t in the mood to appreciate it. He stared straight ahead indifferently as he hung between the arms of his captors. His wounds – that would have killed a normal man in a few minutes – had healed quite nicely by now and his strength was returning, but he tried not to show it. There will be no better chance for someone to make a surprise attack. Hidan could only hope that said someone didn’t intend to watch idle as his partner was hauled away.
Kakuzu waited until they reached the trees. Hidan was coming up with third possibility of how the old heathen could be sacrificed to Jashin at that point. The masked man shot out from behind the bushes so fast that he was nothing more than a blur, and smashed one of the Kumogakure nin against a tree.
“It was bloody time!” Hidan shrieked as he torn himself from the slackening grip of the other guard. “What the fuck took you so long?!”
“Show some gratitude,” Kakuzu answered calmly. Kunais and shurikens flew at him, just to drop to the ground without any harm done as they met his raised arms. Hidan could see his skin was darkened with his Earth Spear Technique or whatever he called it. Show off. He loved to pretend that fights cost him nothing. So far Hidan had only seen him once releasing his full power in battle – but when he did it caused destruction beyond the wildest imagination. It had left the priest in awe for hours – it was something he never expected to see. And Hidan had very good powers of conception when it came to demolition.
He just couldn’t comprehend that if Kakuzu was in command of such brute power why didn’t he let it loose more often? In the eye of the Jashin-priest, not to use such destructing force was a sin. When he had told this to the miser though, he just started to explain the tactical advantages of not showing one’s full powers only if absolutely necessary… blah, blah, blah, boring shit, if you asked Hidan.
He got a bit lost in his thoughts, and the bitch almost got him. Hidan jumped and leaped to get far away from her. At least there was enough space now for the escape, but he still wasn’t able to attack. His partner was still trifling with the other two shinobi, while their leader did her best to chop Hidan’s head off.
“Kakuzu! Cut these fucking ropes off finally!” Hidan shouted.
The masked Akatsuki spared him an angry glare, but extended one of his threads towards Hidan. The tentacle wove itself on the rope tying Hidan’s hands back and pulled hard. For a moment the priest thought his arms were going to be ripped off. Then he was flying backwards and landing disgracefully on his ass. The rope however didn’t loosen at all.
May you and your whole fucking village rot in Jashin-sama’s hell. What is this shit you bound me with? No surprise that he couldn’t untie the rope on his own, if it resisted Kakuzu’s strength like that. He had no time to think of it though, as he had to roll away from spike of fire. Was the woman trying to roast him now?
Luckily it looked like Kakuzu finally had enough playing with the two weaker shinobi. Hidan glanced at them - both looked dead or at least unconscious, lying on the ground. The masked man attacked the woman at last.
Hidan, very wisely, decided that he would be more of an obstacle then a help in his current state so he crawled out of the fire line. Propping up against a tree, he watched his partner fight the last standing enemy.
The little bitch was pretty good. She stayed on her feet for almost five minutes, though she wasn’t a real challenge to Kakuzu. Hidan looked on with great pleasure as she finally crumbled down in a bloody heap and as Kakuzu treaded on her neck. Hidan’s whole body shuddered in joy when he heard the loud crack, signalling that her neck had been broken.
Death and destruction… Kakuzu would have made a wonderful servant of Jashin-sama. Pity he was such a heathen miser. Hidan grinned as he came up to him.
“Good job. Though I wonder what the fuck made you wait that long to act.”
“I just couldn’t believe that you’re unable to fight such a hapless bunch of idiots on your own. But then you are the biggest hapless idiot of all, aren’t you? The Akatsuki is really putting its standard low recently.”
“Ha, bloody ha. If you hadn’t left me on the road like that that it wouldn’t have happened at all.”
“If you had learned to keep your mouth shut once in a while, I wouldn’t need to keep silencing you.”
“Eh, just untie my already. And try not to tear out my arms this time, will you?”
“Hmm, I don’t know if I should. This binding and gagging thing wasn’t a bad idea…”
“I really hope you meant that as a joke,” – Hidan grumbled as he stood up and let his partner look at the knot. He had the fleeting thought that not many people would willingly turn their back to Kakuzu, but despite all banter and hospitality, he trusted him. After all – the old miser couldn’t off him as he did with his previous partners. What else was there for him than to cooperate with the priest?

To be continued…
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Stranger Things Have Happened