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Holding Pattern	By : SumiHatake Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male > Shikamaru/Neji Views: 1396 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto and I didn't make money writing this.

Chapter List
- 1-Holding Pattern
- 2-Cloudscapes
- 1
- 2
Title: Holding Pattern

Pairing: ShikaNeji

Summary: Sometimes love isn't what you think it's supposed to be.

Warnings: M/M Pairing, angst

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Kishimoto does

Dedicated to: MayaNara AND all of my friends who are ShikaNeji Fans. I hope you guys like it.

They're stuck in a holding pattern, unable to move forward, but unable to escape it. It is not that they are in love, only that they are alone, save for each other. Neji knows that it is unhealthy for them, but he has long ago accepted that fact. What Shikimaru thinks, he never says, but he does not leave either. Shikimaru never says anything, and sometimes his silence seems like agreement, while others, it seems a rebuke. But mostly, it just grates on his nerves.

It is the relationship more than Shikamaru himself that he is drawn to, although, one is not entirely separate from the other.He values the escape from the pressures of his clan that it offers and the security of being with someone who understands him. The lack of expectations is freeing in its own way.

His father chose his path, and while a part of him still blames his uncle and his clan it is a fact that he cannot escape. Knowing what he does now, that his uncle is not the man he thought, is of little comfort. It was one thing to be alone before, when he had his anger and somewhere to direct it. Now he has no anger, no direction, and he's still alone. The resolve he had to change things within his clan was all that drove him and without it, he is caught in a welter of emotions that leave him feeling hollow and empty inside.

It was Shikamaru who taught him how to meditate, though he hadn't given him instructions on it or even suggested he try it. There was a certain kind of peace to be found in his company.

At first, it had been because he could say anything and Shikamaru would listen or at least he seemed to listen. Neji wonders what it might have been like had he been braver and said something, anything to his teammates. It should have been easy, but they both looked up to him and he could never bring himself to be anything less than a leader. He never had the nerve, and deep inside he knows that they are forever beyond his reach now. He couldn't tell anyone else because they would have offered advice and he didn't want advice. Not then and not now. Shikamaru never does that, not even now. While it is only a mark above talking to an inanimate object at times, it is better than remaining silent.

Sometimes, when he runs out of things to say, they sit there staring at the trees and clouds. It's those moments that he thinks taught him to meditate because it's in those moments that he actually feels calm.

Shikamaru's loneliness he doesn't quite understand. Sometimes it seems to be more apathy than true loneliness, but either way he is alone. His sensei gone, his teammates dating, and his general unwillingness to put himself out there are all factors. Secretly... Neji's glad because it leaves them alone together.

Neji doubts it can be called love when that's their only real bond. Couples who were in love had things in common. People assumed they had things in common.

They thought that being a prodigy with his clan's fighting style made him genius. It didn't. He wasn't stupid, but he wasn't as bright as they all assumed. He isdetermined and there is a difference. Shikamaru's the real genius and anyone who pays attention knows that.

Shikamaru lets himself be pushed in to things by his teammates, his family, and just about anyone else simply because it's easier. He's laid back. Neji knows that most think that he is as well. Where they get that idea he isn't entirely sure. The best he can say is that he's reserved. Even that is because he has no choice, speaking his mind has risks. He only takes calculated ones and Shikamaru never takes any.

If they were in love, if it was a real relationship and not an convenient escape from being alone, then it would be more than it is. Neji realizes his longing for Shikamaru when he's gone is just his own loneliness tearing away at him. He sees better than anyone how shallow his need to feel the heat of sweat slicked skin against his is. There's no denying it when he can practically smell the alcohol, nearly taste it even. Love doesn't require getting drunk for one to make a move on the other. It can't even be called lust, just frustration, loneliness, need... and it's an even further cry from love.

Neji wishes it was love or that he could accept being alone, but there is no escape from the pattern, and nowhere to go but in circles.

-End-
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Holding Pattern