Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Shallow	By : ersatzbeta Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 968 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor do I make a profit from writing this or any other fanfiction.

Chapter List
- 1-Shallow
- 1
Author's Note: This story is really three short, connected pieces in one. I actually started writing this after thinking about the recent culinary trend to do one food (i.e. tuna or pepino melon or potatoes) three ways (three different preparations) and serve it all on one plate. These pieces are all vaguely based around the concept/meaning of shallow. I hope you enjoy...or at least come away with food for thought.

Shallow
It rains in Ame every day without fail. Intellectually, Sasuke knows the constant downpour is Pein's doing. Still, he loathes the weather more and more as he goes about his business bundled into his damp woolen cloak. His clothing never dries out and he is almost resigned to the way it abrades his skin. He never quite reaches that level of apathy.
The city is grey and miserable. Sasuke feels just as worn and dirty and tired with the unremitting rain dogging each step he takes. He cannot escape it. The waterways and ponds are always on the verge of overflowing. The rain sluices in gutters and down storm drains and makes every low point in the ground into a puddle. Sasuke wrenches an ankle one day. Water has filled in a hole in the street where a cobblestone used to be.
It is cold in Ame and the rain makes everything raw, especially when the wind comes out of the north and west as it so often does, filled with hints of snow and ice from the mountains.
The real reason Sasuke hates the rain is because it reminds him of the day he left Konoha. The look in Naruto's eyes, electric blue and so full of anger, confidence, sadness. The stinging chakra backlash as the Rasengan and Chidori collided. Sasuke flung backward by the percussion of the explosion. White noise in his eyes and ears. Coming to in the false rain created by the fight, water flung high in the air finally returning. Naruto's unmoving body pounded into the mud by fat droplets of rain.
As Sasuke follows orders under Ame's overcast skies, he remembers. Sasuke remembers and remembers. Day after day, the inexorable rain carves the memories into his heart.
As much as Kakashi likes to pretend otherwise, he is neither blind nor deaf to the conversations that go on around him. They are speculations, mostly, about the fate of his former student. And though it is only gossip, baseless, factless gossip, he can't help grinding his teeth as they talk about Sasuke.
The first rumors that went around, starting during the week after Sasuke's defection, were an expression of shock and of betrayal. Kakashi doubted any of these people, people who hardly even knew Sasuke by sight, would ever be able to lay a hand on him. Their so-called lessons, to be taught with fists and violence, were purely imaginary. Even if they could bring back Sasuke and enact their revenge, Kakashi doubted Sasuke would learn anything from the experience.
The gossip comes in waves that crest whenever Naruto returns from chasing down the fruitless leads and infrequent sightings of Sasuke. Kakashi doesn't give a second thought to the idea that Sasuke was really complicit in the mass murder of his clan, and that his true purpose in catching up to his brother is so that they can come back and finish the slaughter they'd started years ago. The speculations of incest are a bit sickening, as are the rumors of Orochimaru's true interests in Sasuke, but not really surprising or novel. The story going around that Naruto is not-so-secretly in love with Sasuke has a grain of truth, Kakashi feels, but it is nowhere near the whole truth.
Rumors-- of actions, locations, his personal life, his motivations-- are all that are left of Sasuke in the village. Kakashi tolerates most of it. Put together, they form the ghost of a person who could have been, a person that Kakashi misses. However, when the rumor starts going around that he and Sasuke had some sort of relationship outside the scope of team seven�It is unthinkable and disturbing. Kakashi knows that anyone who is making up or spreading tales like these wouldn't understand the truth if it had them with a knife to their throats.
And yet this last rumor hurts Kakashi deeply, far more than any of the others. What kind of a person did they take him for? He fumes over it for weeks before he digs up the root of his anger. The idea appeals to him, merit mostly on an intellectual level where the line between duty and devotion blurs into a concept of someday and what if, and at the same time the whole thing makes him furious. Thinking about it in any sort of detail makes Kakashi feel sick. The reality makes him ill and yet the fantasy is still there. Sasuke is too young, too innocent for all that his past is stained and he himself is nowhere to be found. Sasuke was his student and should have grown into his peer, but he'd left the village, abandoning everyone in it. He'd abandoned Kakashi, and Kakashi doesn't like that. He has been left behind to pick up the pieces.
In another lifetime, the rumor could have been truth and might even have been pleasant. That, however, isn't the life he has lived and lives now. Kakashi fights to preserve the little that is left of Sasuke. And, though Kakashi is not sure if Sasuke will ever return to the village, he is prepared to wait. Kakashi hunts down the rumor mongers one by one and silences them.
When Sasuke returns to the village, he brings trophies. He has the heads of Akatsuki members: Pein, Konan, Madara all in one heavy, filthy sack. Sasuke has his brother's head too, separate and strangely lighter than one might expect, given all the meaning attached to it.
Kakashi is there in the Hokage's office when Sasuke comes back, escorted by six ANBU. He sees Sasuke is lost and doesn't know what to do now that he's been pardoned and allowed not only to live, but to have his own place again among the villagers. It's almost like nothing ever happened, and it's eerie. Sasuke's eyes lock onto Kakashi and Kakashi returns the gaze with a nod. His homecoming is nothing like Kakashi has imagined. Neither, for that matter, is Sasuke. Kakashi puzzles over this disparity while the Hokage hands out orders.
Once again, Sasuke is under Kakashi's proverbial wing. Sasuke shadows him during the daytime, a quiet presence always at the edge of his perception. Kakashi isn't sure what he does at night, but he looks more and more haggard with each successive morning. He catches Sasuke cat-napping when he, Kakashi, stays in any one place for more than ten minutes. He sees the way Sasuke frowns and twitches in his sleep. Kakashi thinks he understands why Sasuke disappears at night. But, as Kakashi well knows, nightmares only appear easier to face alone. Though Sasuke doesn't know it--or won't admit it--he needs company.
So Kakashi follows Sasuke one night. He doesn't exactly have a plan in this except, maybe, to offer his silent companionship. He trails Sasuke as he hits one bar after another in a part of town that becomes rougher as the street goes on. Sasuke begins to stumble after he exits the fifth bar. Kakashi observes, but does not intercede, as Sasuke picks a fight in an alley behind bar number seven; though Sasuke is undeniably drunk at this point, he gives a good accounting of himself and comes away only with skinned knuckles and a fat lip. The other four participants are not so lucky. Kakashi sends for a medic before he falls in again behind Sasuke.
By bar number nine, Sasuke is barely walking. He sets one shoulder on the wall of whatever building is closest and doggedly scrapes his way forward toward the next bar. Kakashi hops down into the road, blocking his way. Sasuke tries to go around him, but that means leaving the safety of the wall and he only gets far enough to stumble into Kakashi's right shoulder and outstretched arm. Sasuke swears at him and then starts heaving. Kakashi steers him toward the gutter, and Sasuke pukes up the entirety of his night out before going lax in Kakashi's grip. Kakashi sighs and picks him up.
Without much thought on his part, Kakashi heads toward his apartment. He juggles his keys and Sasuke's dead weight in the doorway. In the end, he kicks in his own door so he doesn't accidentally drop either. He vows to make Sasuke help with the repairs. Kakashi strips Sasuke to the waist, wipes him down with a warm, wet washcloth, and tucks him into a hastily made bed on the couch. He sets a glass of water and a couple aspirin within easy reach. In his bedroom, Kakashi undresses completely, hesitates, and puts his boxers back on. He gets into bed.
Kakashi wakes just before dawn because Sasuke is crawling into his bed. He doesn't know how much of it is drunkenness, genuine, or artifice, but the fact remains that Sasuke rubs up against him in an unmistakable manner. And Kakashi lets him. But then he gets a good look at Sasuke, and Kakashi disentangles himself. He brushes the hair out of Sasuke's eyes and tilts his face into the light. What he sees there does not surprise him, but it still hits him hard. Sasuke has come to Kakashi for help.
Sasuke is grieving and fighting those feelings, perhaps in the only ways he knows how. Even if he never says it in words, even if he is here out of instinct and not a consciously-made decision, Sasuke needs, wants the shelter that Kakashi can provide. Kakashi nods, considering wants and needs and possibilities. Sasuke lays back on the bed, his hair spreading over Kakashi's pillow. Kakashi sucks in a breath of too-warm air. He is overcome by the sight of Sasuke against his sheets. He carefully arranges himself, covers that trembling body with his own. He weights Sasuke down into the mattress and breathes the air inches away from his face. Sasuke shivers.
Warmth fills Kakashi at each point he and Sasuke touch. He can smell the alcohol on Sasuke's breath and does his best to hold still while Sasuke shifts beneath him. Knowing Sasuke is drunk doesn't stop him from getting hard, not when he can feel the proof of Sasuke's arousal against his thigh. Kakashi bites his lip when Sasuke hitches upward, sliding against him in a lazy, uncoordinated fashion. He pushes down, tries to anchor himself and pin Sasuke's body to the bed. Sasuke takes it as encouragement. He murmurs nonsense into Kakashi's ear and presses his lips to his throat.
Kakashi feels vaguely irritated by his body's response to the friction. He should have more control than this, but Sasuke is feverish against him, pliant where he is usually intractable and quiet instead of roiling with anger. Kakashi knows he is rationalizing. He could move away from Sasuke, but he doesn't. It is impossible for Kakashi to fully resist what is happening: he doesn't really want to and he recognizes this as well.
Still, as a nod to his conscience, to his guilt, he holds himself quite still as Sasuke thrusts against him, grinding hard and returning for more. Sasuke sculpts sensation out of Kakashi's flesh with each successive meeting of his body against Kakashi's. Holding his tongue firmly between his molars, Kakashi bites the side of his tongue and breathes in through his nose. He rides it out as Sasuke gives an especially satisfying push and muffles his moan in Kakashi's shoulder.
A handful more movements like that and Sasuke shudders beneath him, hands hard and digging into Kakashi, mouth open and gasping for air, hips coming up off the sheets. He thrashes a little, legs convulsing, muscles taut, but Kakashi keeps him more or less in place on the bed. Eventually Sasuke slows down and stops moving, though Kakashi can feel how hard his heart is beating and how he is still panting because, against all odds, Sasuke hasn't yanked himself away or demanded that Kakashi get off of him. His chest is pressed close and Kakashi is painfully aroused by the feel and smell of him.
Sasuke moves again after a few quiet minutes. He reaches for Kakashi, for the waistband of Kakashi's underwear. Catching him by the wrist, Kakashi shakes his head. The look Sasuke gives him is scathing, but he pulls his hand back.
"You're drunk," says Kakashi. "And I'm too old."
The 'for you' is left unsaid, but Sasuke gets it anyway. He snorts.
"Not that drunk," says Sasuke. "And you're what? Thirty?"
He squints up at Kakashi, no doubt looking for wrinkles. Kakashi sighs.
"Thirty-one this year," he says.
"I'll be eighteen," says Sasuke. "so quit feeling like a dirty old man already."
Sasuke runs one hand over Kakashi's too-hot face. He is bold; his eyes linger over Kakashi's lips, his nose, the usually hidden left eye. He follows the silvery lines of old scars with his fingers. Kakashi swallows hard.
"It's not that simple," says Kakashi.
"Maybe not for you, not at this moment," says Sasuke. "But it could be."
Kakashi is puzzled by this sudden change in Sasuke's attitude. He studies the young man beneath him, staring into those dark eyes. It strikes him that Sasuke is a different person now. His brother's death has marked him, and his grief continues to shape him further.
"You've changed," Kakashi says.
Sasuke tenses and his face loses some of its openness.
"Do you wish you hadn't?" says Kakashi.
Sasuke frowns.
"I wish I hadn't come back to this stupid village," says Sasuke. "I wish I hadn't killed him."
"But what else could you have done?" says Kakashi. "It wasn't your fault, you know. Your brother�"
"Don't tell me about my brother," says Sasuke.
There is something there, something soft and hurt and desperate in Sasuke. Kakashi feels compelled to touch it.
"It's not your fault," says Kakashi. "The blame lies with Itachi. Whatever his reasons, his methods were wrong."
"I can't believe that," says Sasuke. "He was my brother."
But his feelings show as he reaches for Kakashi, and Kakashi is swept away by how much Sasuke is hurting. He wraps his body around Sasuke's, and Sasuke clings to him, tightening his arms around Kakashi's ribs until he can hardly breathe, but it is worth it as Sasuke draws in one shuddering breath after another. Sasuke's face is wet on Kakashi's shoulder. The depth of his grief and despair swallows Kakashi.
The sun begins to rise in the sky and long, quiet minutes pass. Sasuke quiets down again and a yawn escapes him. Kakashi smiles.
"My breath is terrible," says Sasuke. "Sorry."
"Go to sleep," says Kakashi. "I'll take the couch."
He makes to roll off Sasuke, pulling away, but Sasuke squeezes his arms around him.
"Stay," says Sasuke.
The word is imbued with longing. Please is also implied.
"Okay," says Kakashi.
"Wake me up later?" says Sasuke.
He lets go of Kakashi gradually, slides his hands down. His knuckles brush against Kakashi's groin and Kakashi sucks in a breath when Sasuke cups him with one long, elegant hand.
"I won't be drunk then," says Sasuke.
And it sounds like a promise to Kakashi because his put-aside arousal is suddenly back, singing through his body in anticipation. He opens his mouth to speak, throat working, but nothing comes out.
By the time he figures out a reply, Sasuke is asleep. Kakashi laughs to himself and presses close, enjoying the heat between them. He stays awake and keeps guard in the early morning sun. Kakashi waits for Sasuke to wake.

A/N: I can't say I'm entirely happy with how this came out, but if I let myself revise to my heart's content, I would still be begging for five more minutes at the end of time. My favorite portion of this is Sasuke's. I am displeased that I couldn't manage to trim Kakashi's down to the same size without feeling like I was losing something important to the story (which is a pity because I really would have liked that symmetry.) I have reservations about the final portion of the story, too: I keep getting the feeling that I'm turning out disgustingly warm fuzzy interactions between the two of them, but I think I left them in a fairly good place. I don't know that I adequately portrayed Sasuke's unhappy feelings in this story, though... And yes, Kakashi was ridiculously self-sacrifice-y, but it was, ultimately, for the sake of future, non-drunken interactions between them.
I have to say it's kind of weird to write something so short. Really. This is almost the shortest thing I've ever completed. It was a challenge to keep things so to the point, seeing as most of my stuff hovers between ten and fifteen thousand words. It felt a bit like doing a writing exercise. I suppose it was, in a way.
- 1
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Shallow