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Sex for Dummies	By : Elli Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1113 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Sex for Dummies
- 1
Warning! Rated M for a reason. Explicit and potentially (oh, who am I kidding, definitely) embarrassing sexual material. Read at your own risk. Be sure to check out by 10 Truths About Sex at the bottom!
Sex for Dummies
“Mmmnhh…” Naruto panted into his soon-to-be lover’s mouth and sucked sloppily on the other man’s tongue, moving them towards the center of the room where a small twin sized bed was placed.
“Sa-uh, Sasuke…” They broke apart with a wet smacking noise, a sticky string of saliva still connecting their mouths. Naruto didn’t waste any time, latching onto the man’s neck – or what he thought was his neck, which actually turned out to be the collar of his shirt.
He sucked experimentally on the fabric for a few seconds before he realized what it was. Sasuke pushed him away with an irritable hiss.
“Why the hell are you trying to eat my shirt, dobe?”
Naruto’s reply was jumbled and entirely incomprehensible. He slid his mouth over Sasuke’s again, tangling his hands silky black hair that made his nose itch and rubbing his tongue roughly against the brunette’s. The lower halves of both men’s faces were slick with excess saliva, and as his mouth slid against Sasuke’s slippery chin and bumped painfully against his jaw, Naruto cursed their overly excitable salivary glands.
It turned out Sasuke was tired of the sopping wet kisses as well. He shoved Naruto back with both hands on his, and topped him onto the bed, which the blonde promptly fell off of.
“Ow.”
Groaning in frustration, Sasuke hauled the disgruntled blonde up onto the bed again, holding him off with one hand when he tried to resume their make out session. What was it, really, he thought with a scowl, other than a poor excuse to spit into each other’s mouths?
He gave Naruto a sharp kick to the shin and wriggled out from underneath the heavier male. “Hold… on… idiot.” He panted, scrambled to find the on switch to the bedside lamp.
Click.
The switch turned on, but the scenery remained unchanged.
Click.
Click.
Click.
“The fuck?” Sasuke hissed, his frustration getting the better of him as he snapped the switch up and down viciously. Naruto moaned in his ear before sucking the lobe into his mouth.
Clickclickclickclick.
“Nnh, Sasuke… mhh…”
“Can you stop,” Sasuke snarled, jerking his head away from the blonde’s roaming mouth and elbowing him in the stomach, “making sex sounds for one goddamned second?”
Prussian blue eyes snapped open turned blindly towards what they thought was Sasuke, which in reality turned out to be the bedpost. “I thought you liked my sex sounds.” The pout was unmistakable, even in the darkness.
“Not when they make me feel like I’m in a soft core porn movie. A bad one.” Sasuke clarified. Naruto responded with an exaggerated sniff.
“At least I express my emotions, bastard. If you didn’t breathe every now and again I’d think I was making love to a corpse!”
“We are not making love, you unbelievable girl.” Sasuke snapped, giving up on the light switch and proceeding to take off his socks instead.
“Don’t call me a girl, dickwad!” Naruto shrieked in affront. “You’re the one that’s going to get pounded into the mattress!”
Complete and utter silence followed this rather brash statement. Naruto ‘eeped’ silently at the murderous rage radiating off of the brunette sitting not but a few feet away but determinedly refused to take back his words. It was true, he thought grumpily, Sasuke had the nicer ass, so it was only natural that he would be the one to bottom.
“You,” Sasuke began with a voice that held the calmness only serial killers possessed, “are sorely mistaken and slightly delusional if you think I’m letting you anywhere near my ass.”
“Sasuke…” the blonde began with a whine, but Sasuke cut him off with a well aimed sock to the face.
“No.” he said pleasantly, moving to slide off the bed, “I think we’re done here.” If his cock had a mouth it would have been screaming in protest, but as it was all it managed to do was give an irritable twitch. Sasuke ignored it, getting up slowly, certain that the blonde would be on his knees begging to be taken any second now.
It turned out he had miscalculated just a tad.
“Oomph!” The breath left him in a whoosh as a heavy weight barreled into his back and knocked him to the floor, clipping his shoulder against the bedside table in the process. He threw a punch blindly, hoping to catch the blonde’s nose and break it, but only hissed in pain when his fist was introduced rather violently to the wall.
“Naruto, you fucking…” He jerked his knee up and was rewarded with a startled squeak as it met the edge of the blonde’s ribs. They grappled briefly on the floor, rolling and twisting in a way that made both of their cocks excited and incessantly hopeful. And then Naruto slammed his forehead down onto Sasuke’s nose in a head-butt gone wrong and both of them stilled with a groan of pain.
“It’s not fair!” Naruto spoke up after the pain had subsided into a dull throb and he’d made himself comfortable on top of Sasuke’s prone form. His voice held more than a tinge of petulance, and Sasuke debated kicking him in the balls just to silence him.
The blonde gave an exaggerated sniff and tucked his face into the crook of Sasuke’s sweaty neck. “’s not fair.” He mumbled. “You never let me win.”
“The fuck are you blathering on about now?” Sasuke sighed and titled his head back to make room for the messy mop of blonde hair that was determined to tickle his nose into sneezing. Naruto was nibbling absently on the patch of skin that bore his tattoo and it itched uncomfortably.
He slid his hands up to the blonde’s broad shoulders in effort to push him away, but his limbs had grown a mind of their own and settled there instead. Sasuke sighed in resignation and curled one hand around Naruto’s neck, shifting his legs up and out so that the other man’s hips fitted less awkwardly against his.
Sasuke could count on his hands how many things were wrong with this situation but he would run out of fingers. Naruto’s breath was hot and moist and made saliva and sweat on his neck stick uncomfortably. His nose still throbbed and he was positive it would be purple by tomorrow. The blonde, for all that he claimed Sasuke was skin and bones, had hip bones so sharp they could be considered weapons. They dug painfully into his own hips, and the weight of him crushed his ribcage, making him pant shallowly in order to breathe.
It was perhaps the most uncomfortable position Sasuke had been in for a long while, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. Naruto was still muttering how unfair life was into his neck, and his disobedient hand had lazily started stroking slightly rough strands of blonde hair. He shifted to the side and Naruto rolled with him until they were facing each other, breaths mingling and mixing in the most erotic way.
Sasuke was the one to initiate the kiss this time. It was a soft, slow thing, something neither of them had experienced very often. There relationship had been a whirlwind – as messy and hurried and desperate as their kisses – but Sasuke supposed that’s what came from waiting six years before either of them confessed their feelings.
It had been Naruto, of course, who started the whole thing. He’d tackled the brunette to the ground in response to being asked what he wanted for dinner (it had been Sasuke’s turn to cook) and after much cursing and hissing and trying to rip each other’s hair out, the blonde had tugged violently on his own hair and yelled, “I love you, you stupid bastard!”
To say it had been a shock would be the understatement of the century. But on some level, it wasn’t. Sasuke had known it was bound to explode out of them sometime, but he never knew it would be quite so… passionate when it did. After have a rather heated make out session which resulted in both of them coming without virtually any direct stimulation, they’d decided to slow things down for a while.
It had only been tonight when, after three hours of whining on Naruto’s part, that Sasuke had agreed to take things to the next level. He had been apprehensive at first, but the blonde’s over-eager puppy act had made all doubts vanish.
Sasuke’s lips curled up in a half smile as he remembered the look on Naruto’s face when he’d leaned over at dinner and whispered ‘I think I want to have sex tonight.’ He nibbled on the blonde’s lower lip playfully, ignoring the way the chapped skin peeled off a bit, good humor restored. But of course he should have known his contentedness was only there for Naruto to destroy.
“Does this mean you’ll let me top?” Naruto breathed hopefully against his lips and Sasuke wasted no time in breaking the kiss with a sharp thwap to the head.
“No, you… you…” he sputtered, unable to find a good enough curse word to properly distinguish the blonde’s monumental stupidity. “You idiot!”
“But, Sasuke!”
“NO.” Sasuke stood shakily on stiff legs and nearly fell flat on his face as a certain blonde clutched at his feet.
“Sasuke, stop being a prissy bitch!” The brunette bared his teeth as the broad expanse of darkness at this statement, but Naruto continued, undeterred. “I promise it’ll feel good!”
“What?” Sasuke snapped. “You’ve never had sex, so how would you know?”
“I read the book!”
Sasuke stilled, running that through his mind a few times before coming to the conclusion that no, it actually did not make any sense after all. But then again, this was Naruto. Why was he even surprised. “You read a… book.”
“Yeah! A book about how to have sex!”
“You read a book?”
“It was really long and boring and didn’t have any pictures but I wanted our first time to be good so—“
“You… you can read?”
“Huh? Wha--hey! Shut up, you bastard!” Indignant fury made the blonde rise to his feet and quickly shove Sasuke back onto the bed.
Sasuke bit his lower lip hard to keep from laughing as Naruto straddled him and continued to rant about how he wasn’t as ‘dumb as you think I am, bastard!’ He allowed Naruto to take his mouth in a punishing kiss, all sharp nips and bites and didn’t protest when the blonde shoved his pants down his legs before tugging them off completely.
He wound his arms around Naruto’s neck and spread his legs, albeit unwillingly, allowing the blonde to settle in between and rock their cocks slowly together. If he was honest with himself, he would admit that he was surprisingly touched that the blonde had done research to make sure their first time wouldn’t be a complete bust.
He himself was the figurehead of sexuality so he didn’t need any sort of priming, of course, but Naruto was admittedly a bit rough around the edges. “Alright.” He murmured in between kisses, wincing as he pulled away and Naruto’s wet mouth caught his nose instead.
“Naruto.” Impatient now, he pushed his amorous lover back and lifted himself up on his elbows. “I said alright.”
“Alright what?” Naruto mumbled, moving on to unexplored territory and tugging Sasuke’s shirt up so he could search for his nipples with his mouth. This having sex in the dark thing was surprisingly erotic.
Sasuke gritted his teeth and fought the urge to strangle the blonde. Had it been anyone else he would have thought they were just going on a power trip to make him say it out loud, but once again, this was Naruto. Also known as oblivious.
“Alright,” he snapped, tugging his hair punishingly and shifting out of his boxers. “Alright, I’m letting you fuck me, dobe.”
“Wh-wha-are you ser—Sasukeeeee, I love you!”
“Hmph. Don’t get used to it.” he warned grumpily. He wasn’t too keen on this whole ‘impaling himself with another man’s cock and possibly splitting in half in the process’ but he was sure Naruto would stop when he would tell him to.
He’d let the blonde have his fun for a little while, and then cut the strings. Undoubtedly Naruto would be so turned on by then he wouldn’t protest when Sasuke flipped him over and rode his ass into the mattress.
A rather self-satisfied smirk crossed his face at the thought, but his devious plans for payback were cut short when a hot, wet mouth found his nipple and sucked.
“Nnnh!” Naruto moaned lowly in response and sucked harder, tonguing the little nub before nibbling on the wrinkled, hardened skin. “Sasuke…” he licked across the brunette’s chest, nuzzling into the brunette’s sternum. “You taste salty.”
A long, wet swipe across the other nipple followed this startlingly insightful statement and Sasuke rolled his eyes in exasperation. He sifted his hands through the blonde’s hair, moaning softly, continuously, as the blonde continued to suck like a newborn on his mother’s breast.
“Mmm…” Sasuke shifted and pressed Naruto’s head closer to his chest, each long, hard suck making his toes curl and cock twitch in pleasure. Teeth grazed across the sensitive flesh once or twice and his moans peaked in pitch, his legs lifting up so that he could press the heel of his foot against the blonde’s calves.
Naruto released the abused bud with a wet pop, and wished wholeheartedly that the lights were on so he could see what a pretty shade of red Sasuke’s nipple must have become. Grumbling slightly and cursing the lack of light under his breath, he moved down his lover’s body, licking and nibbling until a strange sound interrupted.
He paused and frowned thoughtfully before giving Sasuke’s side another lick. There it was again. Another lick. And again. Another. Again!
“Stop laughing, teme!” he yelled, giving the brunette’s nipple a punishing twist. “This is supposed to be sexy!”
Sasuke couldn’t restrain the laughter from escaping, despite having turned to bury his face into the pillow. Naruto bit at his navel and he moaned softly, shifting his hips up as encouragement for the blonde to go a bit lower.
And then his fingers slid to his side again and snorted into the pillow. “Shut up!” Naruto griped. “This is an erogenous zone! The book said so!”
“Apparently it’s more ticklish than it is ero—hah… ahah—stop touching me there!”
“Bastard.” Naruto gave him one last vicious poke before lifting himself off the prone figure on the bed and removing his own shirt. Sasuke hummed in reply, sliding his hands up Naruto’s bared chest as he blonde fished around in his pants. While Sasuke found his own hairless chest to be rather sexy, the slightly coarse blonde curls on Naruto’s made his cock ache unbearably.
He ran his fingers through the light spattering, panting softly as he rose on his elbows and rubbed his nose against the blonde’s chest. He liked to feel the curls rubbing against his sensitive nipples when they ground together, so he squirmed and shifted up until they were aligned, but a loud ‘AHAH!’ interrupted his plans.
Naruto slid off of him and the bed quickly to shimmy out of his pants before hopping back again and kissing Sasuke with fervor. “Found it!” he exclaimed triumphantly, brandishing something that Sasuke couldn’t make out at all due to the darkness.
“What?” He asked suspiciously, vowing to disembowel the blonde if it turned out he’d brought some sort of kinky sex toy.
“Lube! KY easy slide, strawberry flavored! Mmm. Strawberry…”
“And just what do you think you’re going to do with that?”
“…this!” Sasuke didn’t have enough time to even draw a breath as his blonde lover lifted one long, pale leg over his shoulder and placed freezing cold, slippery fingers on his balls.
Sasuke would never, not under pain of death, admit that he screamed like a little girl.
“Sorry!” Naruto squeaked. “I didn’t think it would be that cold, ow, Sasuke! Ow! Stop hitting me!”
“You—“ Sasuke cut off abruptly as a slick, wet finger rubbed against that tender, sensitive place behind his balls, before moving farther back until it reached his wrinkled opening. “Stop. Naruto. Ah.” His words were coming out jumbled, but surely the blonde could understand what he meant. The finger rubbed more insistently, sliding down and further into his crease, before returning to his pucker, rubbing, rubbing…
“If you don’t get your hand away from my ass I’m going to rip it off.”
“But Sasuke,” a childish whine, accompanied by the gentle press of his finger. “You said you’d let me!”
I changed my mind. The words were on the tip of his tongue, but before he could voice them and no doubt disappoint the blonde to the nth degree, that damnable finger slipped inside and stole the breath from his lungs.
Naruto gulped as he fingered Sasuke gently. The book had said to start with the pinky finger but he’d gotten a bit ahead of himself and used his pointer finger instead. It wasn’t tight, he thought miserably, so much as it felt like sticking your finger into a mouse trap.
He used his other hand to wipe away the drool that had collected at the corner of his mouth as he thought of what that tight heat would feel like around his cock. He slid his finger in a little deeper, having not quite yet reached the second knuckle, and marveled at how hot Sasuke was.
“Naruto, what part of I’m going to rip it off did you not understand?!”
Naruto licked his lips and pressed a little deeper, causing Sasuke to grunt uncomfortably. He twisted his finger around a bit, bringing his other hand in play to stroke Sasuke’s neglected cock. He thumbed the slit and wiped off the moisture collected at the tip just as he squeezed in another finger.
“St-stop, Naruto.” Sasuke was panting now. Two fingers. He knew intellectually that there were only two fingers, so how could they feel so damn huge? “Stop, ah! Stop it!”
Naruto’s tongue poked out the corner of his mouth as he concentrated on his task, counting the seconds as he stretched Sasuke, spreading his fingers and flexing. One, two, three, scissor. Four, five, six, foot to the face.
“OW! Je-Jesus, OW!”
“I told you to stop, you fuckhead!”
“B-But the book said—“
“Fuck the book!” Sasuke shrieked, incensed, grabbing the pillow from behind him and smacking the blonde furiously with it. “Did the book tell you that ‘stop’ meant ‘harder’?! Did it?!”
“Well, no, but—ow, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
Sasuke dropped the pillow after one final smack, panting heavily and absolutely disgusted by the fact that his cock hadn’t softened one bit. He fell back onto the bed with a silent groan, debating getting up and leaving in a self-righteous huff before he realized he lived here.
Naruto dropped next to him gingerly, with a soft sigh of his own. “Sorry.” He breathed again, and the guilt condensed in his voice almost made Sasuke felt a little bad. Almost.
“I… sorry.” He repeated, before he lifted a hand hesitantly and placed it on Sasuke’s own, who winced when he realized it was the one that had just been up his ass. He wrapped his fingers around it regardless, and tugged the pouty blonde closer.
“Idiot.” He muttered, flexing the muscles of his ass experimentally, startled to find doing so made his cock twitch pleasurably. He scowled into the pillow as Naruto curled close to him and dropped his head on a pale, bony shoulder.
“I couldn’t do it right anyway, huh.” The blonde whispered morosely, nudging his head into Sasuke’s neck, his favorite place to be when he was upset. “Book or no book.”
Sasuke’s chest tightened and he glared into the darkness. He hated it when Naruto took him on a guilt trip, but he couldn’t bring himself to be angry because he knew the blonde didn’t do it on purpose. He prodded his lover a bit violently in the side, and caught his mouth in a quick kiss when the blonde head lifted.
“Maybe we just need to be a bit more drunk for it to work.”
“Yeah?” The soft, hopeful tone to the blonde’s voice made Sasuke roll his eyes.
“Yeah.” He agreed regardless, kissing Naruto softly and turning so the other man could rest his head against his chest. He tugged the covers out from under himself and pulled them up, easing some of the chill that had settled once they had stopped attempting to have sex.
“Ne, Sasuke?”
“Hm?” Sasuke responded drowsily, sleep already heavy against his eyes, turning his body lax and inviting. A large, warm hand drifted up his thigh and he shifted slightly in protest, but the next thing that came out of Naruto’s mouth forced him to leap out of bed and bash the blonde over the head with his dysfunctional lamp.
“How about just giving me a blowjob then?”
Fin.
Author's Note: So, there is a reason behind this seemingly pointless piece of smut. I read a story the other day, a rather good one, but I couldn't finish it. Why? Because I got to the sex scene, which was, like so many fanfics nowadays, absolutely perfect and absolutely fake. I'm sorry to tell you this, darlings, but sex? Is messy, awkward, and more than a little disgusting. But being all that makes it real, makes it a connection. And reading that perfect sex scene nearly made me cry out of frustration because it completely ruined the entire story for me.
So this oneshot? Meant to express the following things about sex that you don't see very often, but actually DO happen:
1) Kissing is sloppy. And no matter how skilled you are, if you french, you're going to get drool all over the place. It can't be avoided.
2) Things don't always go as planned. Yes. The lube can run out. The condom can rip. The lights can go out. And these things may, occasionally, ruin the mood. --gaspshockhorror-- Yeah. It happens.
3) Most people don't go "Oh, harder! Pound me harder, baby, shove it in me!" during sex. Most people don't even have the capacity to breathe during sex, much less scream out coherent instructions.
4) Not every gay couple has a set seme-uke role. Sometimes, they argue. Sometimes, they fight. Sometimes, they switch it up. (As willing or unwilling as it may be. ;)
5) It is not forbidden to laugh during sex. It's really not. Sex doesn't have to be all heated passion and fucking, it can be fun. It can tickle, it can make you laugh, it make you punch your partner in the face... though, er, I wouldn't recommend that last one.
6) Men have hair. Yes, even gay men. I personally think some chest hair is sexy, and not every man likes to shave it off. Trying to pigeon-hole gay men into flat-chested girls with dicks is really kind of insulting.
7) 'Stop' really doesn't mean 'harder.' Um, yeah. Not stopping when your partner says stop? That's called rape.
8) Sex can be painful. Hate to break it to y'all, but if you're inexperienced and so is your partner? Your first time just might hurt like a bitch.
9) Not every sexual experience has to end in orgasm. (No matter what Naruto says!) Sometimes, people stop it in the middle. It isn't as abnormal as you'd think, trust me.
10) Real relationships are based on more than just sex. People don't express their love only after they've come. They may do it while putting on their socks, before leaving for work, on the phone, or before they go to sleep. Confessing your love for the first time right after you've had sex, especially in fanfiction? Cheesy and disappointing.
Thank you all for reading, hope you learned something, or at least had a good laugh. :3
If you enjoyed, agree, disagree, whatever, drop me a review. It'll make my day.
Peace out,
Ella
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Sex for Dummies