Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Criminal	By : laurenloogie Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1431 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-massacre
- 2-ruthless
- 3-tsukiyomi
- 4-obvious
- 5-barracks
- 6-bind
- 7-luck
- 8-heat
- 9-break
- 10-grief
- 11-thin
- 12-creep
- 13-switch
- 14-rant
- 15-battles
- 16-capture
- 17-undisclosed
- 18-drugs
- 19-snake
- 20-infiltration
- 21-color
- 22-escape
- 23-used
- 24-possession
- 25-cold
- 26-trap
- 8
- 9
- 10
Not much of a warning here, other than Kisame getting a bit hetero... just for this one chapter. Poor guy. Give him a break.

Kisame awoke to the sound of whining and something wet lapping his face. With great reluctance, he slowly opened his eyes. It was light out - dawn, maybe - and the rays of sun were blurry and uncomfortably bright. A creature was persistantly licking his cheek... a few minutes passed before recognition finally came to him.
That's Samehada... he thought sluggishly, gazing dumbly at the weapon's spiky form. He closed his eyes and growled softly. Why won't it leave me alone? he wondered, irritated. I just wanna sleep. His mind started to cloud over, the feeling pleasant and warm like a sake buzz. He welcomed the sensation, wanting it to envelope him, but Samehada's dogged attentions wouldn't allow him to drift off.
"Go away," he rasped, his voice sounding weak and alien to his own ears. He tried to bat the sword away but his arm only twitched uselessly at his side. "Can't you see I'm sleeping?" he murmured.
The licking finally stopped, to his relief. He began to slip into the calm warmth of unconsciousness again, eager for it, but the licking was quickly replaced by the unpleasant feel of jagged teeth worrying his shoulder. "Damnit, Samehada!" he exclaimed. "That hurts!" The pain jolted him wide awake and suddenly every muscle in his body hurt like hell - it felt like he was being torn apart. "Stop it," he panted, his breath becoming shallow and labored as his senses flooded back to him. The sword reluctantly released his shoulder, its spines raised with concern.
Holy shit, what *happened* to me? he wondered deleriously. His distressed mind couldn't conjure up an answer - trying to remember felt like swimming through tar. All he could be sure of was his current condition, which was obviously dire. He couldn't move, his body felt like it had been steamrolled, and a tingling, wretched itch was all he could feel in his extremities. He was fairly certain that he was dying.
Something cold and slightly prickly began to twine up his arm - it was Samehada's hilt. Shit, it's gonna try to heal me, he realized helplessly. I'm probably too far gone though... doesn't it see that? Apparently not, because seconds later a warmth pulsed through his senses, pleasant at first then excrutiating as it seeped to his numb extremities. He cried out and tried to pull away but he was too weak. Dying had been much more pleasant.
He clamped his eyes shut and grated his teeth, trying not to focus on the pain of being revived. A few agonizing minutes passed - they felt like hours - but eventually the pain began receding to something bearable. The burning in his extremities ebbed to a warm itch and his shallow, weak breathing became deeper and more regular. When Samehada's hilt finally went slack from around his arm, he blinked a few times and flexed his muscles. It still hurt... but nowhere near as bad. Cautiously, he sat up, rising slowly so as not to faint. Samehada curled up at his side, shivering and uncharacteristically thin - he'd never seen the sword so low on chakra. The poor thing almost died trying to save me, he realized with a pang of guilt. When he reached out and stroked its spikes, it growled pitifully and burrowed in closer to his side.
Now that death was no longer imminent, he analyzed his situation more clearly, his hand absently running over Samehada's spines as he thought. He was in a cave, that much was obvious. It was definitely around dawn - the air was chill and crisp and he could see frost on the ground outside. And dried blood was on the cave floor, mostly where his face had been but also splattered about elsewhere - there was a distinct trail that led out of the cave. Someone fought me and lived, he realized. The fact seemed preposterous... he hadn't lost a battle since he was an adolescant. Whoever it was, they left me here to die, he told himself. But why didn't they just finish me off? That was an *incredibly* stupid move on their part. Maybe they were dying as well? But the amount of blood told a different story - it definitely wasn't enough to be from a mortal injury. A signature of Kisame's fighting style was always copious amounts of blood and perhaps a severed limb or two... it was always very obvious when he inflicted a mortal blow. He sighed, baffled. Why couldn't he remember? He had heard that severe hypothermia was often accompanied by amnesia... was this the case?
Furthermore, he thought, where the hell was Itachi through all this? Is he fuckin' dead or what? His skin prickled involuntarily with the mention of Itachi's name and a flicker of understanding flashed through his mind. He repeated the name, mouthing it silently.
Itachi.
Shreds of memory began to float before him; he clung onto them desperately as the gears crunched in his head.
"Itachi," he said aloud, the name rolling acidly off his tongue.
And then it suddenly came to him, flooding in all at once like terrible epiphany. He gasped as if the wind had been knocked out of him and winced, drowning in the lurid details that crowded his mind. The entire night flashed before him like a hallucination, starting with the spying mission and ending with cracked ribs and sleeping gas. For several minutes he was frozen as if paralyzed, too embroiled in the memories to move a muscle. He didn't want it to be real - he wanted to believe it was just a fucked-up nightmare - but the fact that it had happened was painfully clear.
If by some chance you actually survive the night, I suppose you'll seek me out, wanting revenge... Itachi's last words echoed through his mind as if they were being spoken aloud. If that happens, I'll be waiting for you.
"Fuckin' ridiculous," he muttered, seething. Itachi's little revenge speech was almost exactly the same shit he'd said to his dumb little brother in that tourist town near Konoha a year back. But unlike Sasuke Uchiha, whose life apparently existed solely for fratricide, Kisame wasn't so quick to bite. The fact that he was fuckin' pissed didn't change much of anything - Itachi was still stronger than him, no two ways about it. Taking revenge on his partner would probably result in his own demise... and maybe an angry dick up his ass, to boot.
But as he told himself all this, he wasn't sure if it would hold true when he inevitably saw Itachi again. He was only human... as level-headed as he was, he was still susceptible to rage.
Ugh... I'm thinking too far ahead, he told himself. I don't even know if I'm strong enough to leave this fucking cave. He decided to test his theory out, shifting to a crouch then using the wall for support as he shakily rose to his feet. The small effort made him gasp breathlessly and flinch - his joints were stiff as hell and his muscles burned rawly, especially in the places where Itachi had kicked him. Samehada's healing ability had saved his life, but the poor thing hadn't had enough chakra to rid him of all his injuries. He looked over himself, examining the extent of the damage. Some of his ribs were either broken or bruised - he could see welts beginning to form and breathing too deeply caused him great pain. There were more bruises and cuts marring his torso, arms, and by the feel of it, his face. He felt his nose and immediately knew that it was broken - it was a little crooked and sore to the touch. When he probed his jaw, he was relieved to find it in place, but the flesh around his eye was swollen and tender... no doubt the beginning of a shiner. His biggest concern was his extremities - his fingers and toes, while intact, were itchy and painful to flex. Moderate frostbite, he concluded. In the best case scenario, I might lose a few nails.
Well... all in all, there's nothing too severe, he told himself. I should be able to reach the nearest town. He did a few stretches to relieve some of the stiffness, then pushed away from the wall, forcing himself to walk. It was difficult - hell on his frostbitten toes - but manageable. He limped over to Samehada's tattered bindings and haphazardly bandaged his worst injuries, then gently wrapped the poor creature up with what remained. "You rest," he told it as he strapped it to his back. "I'll find you something to eat soon." As he headed for the cave's exit, a glint caught the corner of his eye. It was his headband... he had almost forgotten about it. He picked it up and brushed it off, glaring at it thoughtfully before putting it on his head. Itachi took this off before kissing me, he reminisced, shifting the fabric so that it covered up his injured eye. That first kiss had actually felt nice... if only it could have just stopped there.
* * *
The nearest town, Iwagakure, was out of the question. It was only a few miles to the north but the chances Kisame would make it in unnoticed were slim. He was listed in all the bingo books, after all... and his telltale blue skin was a beacon for unwanted attention. The next closest village was a crappy farming community about half a day's journey south. It was a longer walk than he was comfortable with attempting in his state, but there wasn't any other choice.
At first, he'd been happy that the sky was clear and the chill wind had stopped, but as the day progressed, he found himself wishing for even a little cloud cover. The Land of Earth was so barren and dry that it seemed to suck the moisture right out of his body as he walked - within a few short hours his mouth felt like sandpaper and his eyes burned in their sockets. He hadn't had a drop of water since yesterday, thanks to Itachi. The bastard had grabbed what little was left from the cave. He cursed under his breath as he walked, feeling his muscles occasionally spasm with dehydration.
By the time he reached the village, he was close to collapsing. He'd endured the entire journey without finding a single spring or dwelling on the way and his dehydrated muscles were barely functioning. Ragged, impoverished villagers going about their business cowered from his path as he staggered down the dirt road, scanning the buildings blearily for a bar or a teahouse. When he finally spotted a faded sign that read 'beer,' he used the last of his energy to push through the swinging doors and slump onto a stool. "Gimme water," he rasped, glaring wildly at the skinny, middle-aged guy behind the bar. There was a mirror on the back wall - his reflection looked horrific. His lips were cracked, his one revealed eye was shadowed with a dark ring, and streaks of dried blood stained the side of his face. No wonder people were cowering from him - he looked like he'd just crawled out of the gates of hell.
"Here," the bartender said, placing a glass of water in front of him. Kisame stared dumbly at it for a second, wondering deleriously if it was an illusion, before drinking it down in one gulp.
"Ugh," he growled. The water tasted like rotten eggs. "Give me more." He drank another glass, trying not to gag. When he looked at the bartender, the guy was glaring at him sullenly. "Whatever, it tastes like shit," he mumbled.
"Water's scarce around here," the bartender stated. "It costs money."
Kisame rolled his one good eye and pulled some crumpled bills out of his pants pocket, slapping them messily onto the bar. "There's enough here to buy this whole shitty pub," he growled. "Now get me drunk. I want to forget this day ever happened."
As the afternoon passed into evening, the bar slowly filled with people, coming in for a cold one after toiling on whatever shitty crop it was they farmed out here. Turnips? Potatoes? Kisame imagined it was some kind of boring, bland root. As he slammed pints with an insatiable thirst, Samehada got its long-awaited meal, skimming chakra off the unsuspecting villagers when they walked by. No one seemed to notice that the sword had nearly doubled in size since he'd first walked in. It has enough chakra to heal me the rest of the way, he eventually realized. But for some reason, he didn't want to be healed. He glared at his frightening reflection in the mirror and scowled, baring a few jagged teeth. There was something darkly satisfying about looking as wretched on the outside as he felt within. He took a gulp of beer then grabbed the bridge of his nose, roughly popping it back into place. He hoped it would heal like shit.
By dark, he was pretty hammered. He was beginning to spill beer trying to raise it to his lips with his frost-bitten fingers, and the bartender was glaring at him despite all the money he'd eagerly accepted hours earlier. If Kisame wasn't, well, Kisame, he probably would have been strong-armed out by now. But since he was, no one had the balls to even approach him, let alone try and make him leave. These farming podunks are so pathetic, he thought irritably. He almost wished someone would start a fight with him - he was in the mood for a drunken brawl.
"Who the hell are you?"
Kisame glared over to find a girl sitting next to him, a blonde twenty-something wearing a short, white kimono and a bit too much makeup. Who the hell are you, the town whore? he thought, almost saying the words outloud. He held his tongue, instead saying, "I'm nobody. Leave me alone."
But the girl persisted. "What happened?" she asked. "Your injuries, I mean... not the fact that you're blue."
"Nothing happened," Kisame growled, downing the rest of his beer and motioning for another. "Go away." He tried to pretend she wasn't there as the bartender grudgingly poured him another pint, setting it down before him with a scowl.
"You look like you need medical attention," the girl said, watching him intently with eyes that were either green or blue - Kisame couldn't tell or care less which.
"Did I stutter?" he growled menacingly. "I said go away. I don't need any help."
"You don't have to be rude," the girl said indignantly. Kisame was mildly surprised that she didn't sound scared - maybe she was just too stupid to sense danger. "I just noticed that you're hurt, that's all," she added defensively.
"Okay, I'm sorry," he relented, sloshing his glass of beer a little in his poorly bandaged fingers. "But I'm fine... just pissed off is all. These injuries are nothing."
"You have frostbite," the girl stated, undaunted. "And possibly a concussion." She reached over and boldly lifted the fabric from his injured eye - he flinched but didn't pull away. "And... that's a shattered zygomatic bone," she said. "If it gets infected-"
"Ugh," Kisame spat, his patience thinning. "Why the hell do you care? You don't even know me... I could be a fuckin' cannibal or some shit!" He felt the urge to shove her away but repressed it.
"I'm just trying to be a good samaritan," the girl said, sounding a little hurt. "I'm a nurse... just let me tend to your wounds and I'll leave you alone." She put Kisame's headband back over his eye and smiled a little. "Although I really hope you won't eat me when I'm done," she joked.
Kisame sighed and finished his beer, downing it all in one gulp. "Fine," he growled, slamming the empty glass onto the bar. "But just as a warning, I'm really fucking hungry." He did nothing to imply that he was joking, making the girl laugh uncertainly.
* * *
The nurse's home was a small apartment in the center of the village, nestled above some kind of boutique. The place was pretty small but Kisame assumed it was nicer than most of the other decrepit shacks in this shitty town. She had introduced herself on the way over but he'd already forgotten her name. It was Sara or Terra... or something.
"Kisame, huh..." she murmured, grabbing some medical supplies from a cabinet. "Demon shark... is that really your name?"
"Yah," he stated bluntly, glaring at her from the couch she had insisted he 'make himself comfortable' on. He had laid Samehada across his knees and was absently stroking the sword's spines through its tattered bindings - the girl probably assumed that he was doting on an inanimate object. Bored and slightly nervous, he noted how immaculate the apartment was. He and Samehada were definitely the dirtiest objects in the place.
"And that headband," she said, her arms full of bandages and jars, "It's a... a mist symbol, isn't it? Why did you cross the symbol out?"
"You ask a lot of questions," the swordsman growled, watching her carefully place her armload of supplies onto the coffeetable in front of him.
"Oh," she stammered. "I'm sorry. It's just that... I tended to someone earlier today who also had a crossed out symbol on his headband. Except it was a swirly leaf."
Kisame's reaction must have been absolutely terrifying because the nurse's eyes widened and she took a step back. "What did I say?" she breathed. "The guy's thumb was in shreds-"
"Where is he?!" Kisame hissed, his hands clenching into fists.
"I don't know!" she exclaimed. "He came through town early this morning and left before noon! I... I don't know which way he went, I swear!" Her face was pale with fear.
Kisame sighed and forced his hands to relax - he had forgotten that he could be so intimidating. "Sorry," he muttered. "I didn't mean to freak out..." The fact that Itachi had stopped through here shouldn't have come as such a surprise... after all, it was the only Akatsuki-accessible village within several miles.
The nurse hesitated uncertainly before approaching the coffee table agin. "A lot of shinobi pass through here on their way to and from Iwa," she said carefully. "It's a pretty common thing... so I didn't think anything of it. The distance between villages in this area is brutal."
"Tell me about it," Kisame sighed, wincing as he leaned back on the couch. Drunk as he was, his injuries still hurt like hell. He felt slightly brick-headed for not letting Samehada just heal him - the only thing making him hesitate at this point was a weird fear that doing so would be insulting to... err... what's-her-name. The nurse. Shit, all these years and women still make me act idiotic, he thought sourly. How the hell did she even talk me into coming up here? The fact that she had a pair of tits and he'd had about twenty pints of beer probably had something to do with it. His behavior around women was a knee-jerk reaction when he was shit-faced.
"So... are you gonna tell me what happened?" the nurse asked, disrupting his chain of thought. "That leaf guy... I'm guessing he's an enemy of yours?"
No... just someone who fucked my face against my will and left me for dead, Kisame said to himself. "He's a crazy piece of shit," he finally growled. "Shouldn't be... running around..."
"Oh, so he's a criminal?" she asked, the expression on her face comically oblivious. "And what, you're trying to catch him?"
Kisame paused, his mood lifting as he relished in the incredible stupidity of the moment. "Yah," he said slowly. "Cuz, um... like you said. He's a criminal. Off the deep end."
The nurse blushed as she dipped a cotton swab into some kind of solution. "So you're, like... a hero, huh?" she murmured. "Catching bad guys and bringing them to justice?" She skirted around the coffeetable and took a seat next to him on the couch, close enough that their legs were touching.
"I don't know about all that," Kisame said, suppressing a smirk. He took Samehada off his lap and leaned it against the side of the couch, afraid it might randomly bristle up and stab her. "I could just be a liar," he growled. "You should be careful... there's still a chance I might eat you." He grinned a little, baring his sharp teeth.
"No way," the girl giggled, laughing nervously and blushing. "Now hold still." She bit her lip as she slipped off his headband and folded it neatly on the coffee table. "This might hurt," she warned, trying to look serious as she held up the swab. "But I have to clean out your eye."
"I think I'll manage," Kisame said dryly. The nurse leaned in a little and proceeded to cleanse his eye with whatever was on the swab. The shit burned mildly but wasn't too bad - it was pleasant compared to the other degrees of pain he'd felt in the past twenty-fours. While she worked, the swordsman found himself finally noticing that her eyes were blue, almost the same shade as Deidara's. Her blond hair was a close match as well... if it was a little longer and more layered, it would have been identical. Drunk and slightly horny, he wondered if getting with her would be like fucking a Deidara stunt-double. Maybe if I fucked her from behind and squinted my eyes... he mused. But she'd have to take it up the ass and say 'hmm' a lot.
When the nurse was done cleaning his eye, she scooted a little closer to him and brushed her hand over his thigh, trying to pretend it was accidental. "You have pretty eyes, Kisame," she breathed, blushing fiercely.
You look kinda like the boy I fuck, he thought. A small part of him was resisting, telling him to be faithful to Deidara, but the rest was screaming fuck it, you've already betrayed him! After a brief, pathetic moral struggle, he grinned crookedly and put a hand on her thigh. "You're not so bad yourself," he growled.
Once their lips met, the night became a blur. They downed a bottle of sake she'd been saving for a 'special occasion' then immediately proceeded to fuck their way through every room in the apartment. She sucked his dick in the shower, they sixty-nined on the living room couch, fucked standing up for a while in the kitchen, then finally stumbled to the bedroom where he mercilessly banged her from behind until he came, shoving her face into the mattress and mouthing Deidara's name. He didn't remember much of anything after that - he passed out drunk with the girl curled up beside him on the bed.
* * *
When he woke up, it took him a minute to remember what had happened. His head was pounding and his injuries felt horrific - he hadn't had a hangover in years and he'd forgotten how much they sucked. As the details of the night solidified in his mind, he groaned and rubbed his temples. I do *not* deserve someone like Deidara, he thought to himself. I'm such a piece of shit. He sat up and surveyed his surroundings, taking in the details of the nurse's bedroom for the first time - last night it had just been a blur. It looked like a stereotypical girl's room: matching sheets and a bunch of dumb little pillows on the queen-sized bed, a dresser with a large vanity mirror, and a few nauseatingly cute posters on the walls. You wouldn't think I'd be her type, he mused. But he didn't feel surprised - he wasn't really any girl's type. He'd heard the phrase 'there's just something about you' on more than one occasion, which he assumed was a female excuse for 'why the hell did I get with you?'
He heard the sound of light footsteps and looked over to find the girl standing in the doorway, wearing a different, slightly less slutty kimono and, once again, too much makeup. "Did you sleep okay?" she asked.
"I don't remember," Kisame muttered. "You know, you look better without the makeup."
She laughed uncertainly. "I don't know about that," she giggled. "You're making me blush!"
"Wow, I, uh... can hardly even tell," Kisame growled. The nurse laughed again and shifted uncomfortably, unsure of whether or not he'd just insulted her.
"Anyway," she stammered. "I made some tea... and there's some food if you're hungry. I want to finish taking care of your injuries, too, since I didn't... get to it last night." She actually was blushing - Kisame could see her cheeks flushing under the cover-up.
"Yah, alright," the swordsman said. He looked around the room and sheepishly added, "Do you know where my pants are?"
"Oh," she said. "Lemme go get them. I think they're in the bathroom..."
He got dressed, head pounding and muscles stiff. The bruises all over his torso and arms had darkened to a deep shade of indigo and his injured eye was completely swelled shut. Healing naturally fuckin' sucked - it was almost embarrasing how beat-up he looked - yet it was fairly pointless to have Samehada heal him at this point. The sword's healing ability was for dire, immediate injuries... using it now would border on vanity.
He took a seat in the kitchen and let the nurse pour him some tea. When he glanced into the living room, he saw that Samehada was predictably still where he'd left it, resting against the couch.
"That sword is alive, isn't it?" the nurse said, following his gaze.
"What makes you think that?" asked Kisame, burning his mouth on the tea - he was insanely thirsty and couldn't help but drink it too fast.
"It growled at me," she stated. "And... bristled."
Kisame snorted. "You didn't try to touch it, did you?" he asked.
"No way," she insisted. "It wouldn't even let me get close! That thing is scary."
"It doesn't let anyone handle it but me," Kisame explained. "I guess I kinda forgot to tell you. And yah, it's a living creature... it's name is Samehada."
"Shark skin?" the girl mused, giggling. "You guys' names are switched up. You're the one with shark skin... and that thing looks more like a demon." She moved behind him and put her hands on his shoulders, kneading his muscles. "You know, neither of your names sound like something a good guy would be called," she said. "I think maybe you were lying to me last night..."
Kisame laughed outloud and leaned back in the chair a little - he couldn't remember the last time someone had rubbed his shoulders. I think it was Itachi, he mused. Bastard probably had a boner while he was doing it. "I told you I could be a liar," he replied, letting his eyes drift shut. "Does that piss you off?"
"I guess not," The girl confessed as she moved down a little and kneaded the spot between his shoulder blades. "I just wish I knew who you really were," she said.
"Nah," Kisame breathed. "You really don't."
As he finished the tea and picked at some food - unsurprisingly, there were turnips in it - she continued to pry but eventually gave up when he failed to give her any straight answers.
"I thought you were hungry," she said sourly, glaring at the basically untouched plate of food. "Is it cuz there's no human meat in there?"
"Damnit woman, I'm not a cannibal," Kisame growled. "I just don't like turnips." He knew that most women got offended when their cooking was called into question but he didn't care.
"Well... too bad," she said. "It's a diet staple around here." She put away the leftovers then motioned for him to go sit on the couch. He obeyed, wincing a little in the process as his sore muscles protested. She followed him into the living room and sat beside him, then took one of his bandaged hands. "I'm really worried about your frostbite," she stated. "Can I take these bandages off?"
"Go for it," Kisame sighed.
Once his fingers were free of the bandages, the nurse clicked her tongue and shook her head, which was never a good sign. "It's worse than I thought," she said. Kisame reluctantly looked down at his hand - the tips of his fingers were black, as if he'd dipped them in ink.
"How bad did you think it was gonna be?" he said dryly.
"This is serious," the nurse insisted. "If you were to leave this unattended, the flesh would rot and you'd get gangrene."
"Ugh," Kisame snorted. "Well... attend to it, then."
Over the next hour they made small talk as she worked on his fingers, rubbing them with various weird-smelling salves and carefully rewrapping them in clean bandages. After some time, he found himself getting hard from the physical contact - the nurse blushed when she noticed.
"Sorry," he muttered unconvincingly.
The nurse bit her lip and touched his cock through his pants, running her fingers up and down the shaft. "I don't mind at all," she sighed.
* * *
Kisame. Kisame! Pain's voice rang loudly in the swordsman's head.
Oh for crying out loud, what is it? Kisame growled inwardly. The nurse was sucking his cock like it was the best thing she'd ever tasted... obviously, this was not a good time to be telecommunicating.
You've been blocking me out for the past ten minutes, Pain raged. What the hell are you doing?
Kisame groaned and pushed the girl's head down further onto his cock, making her choke a little as he thought of a response. I'm in the middle of something, he finally said. Can't this wait?
No, it's urgent, Pain snapped. There was a brief pause before he added, again, what the hell are you doing?
Umm... something awesome, Kisame replied.
Another pause, longer this time. Fine, you have twenty minutes to... um... *ugh.* And then the voice was silent. Transmission over.
Twenty minutes? Kisame wondered, mildly embarrased. Is that the average time it takes to screw or what? He wasn't sure if he'd be able to finish by then... it took him a lot longer with women than it had with Deidara. Either way, there was definitely no way it was gonna happen with her just sucking him off. "Hey," he growled, yanking her up by the arm and pulling her on top of him. He glanced up at the clock on the wall. "I'd rather just fuck."
Nineteen minutes later he finally came. The nurse collapsed onto him, sighing something about how 'amazing' the sex was.
"Yah," he muttered, rolling her off him and rising to his feet. "Look... I gotta be alone for a minute," he said as he pulled up his pants. "Can I borrow your balcony?"
"Why do you have to be alone?" she pouted sleepily.
"Once again, it's none of your business," he growled. Met with her hurt expression, he sighed and rubbed his temples. "I'm sorry," he said. "Just give me... I dunno... twenty minutes."
The balcony was on the back of the building, facing an alleyway. A bunch of drab, ragged laundry was strung up between the narrowly-spaced buildings and a pack of skinny dogs fought over the contents of a spilled trash can. The nurse's clusterfuck of potted medicinal plants was the only thing out here that wasn't some shade of shit-brown. But it was a safe place to be while he temporarily dropped his guard for a meeting. He sat himself down between a couple of aloe plants and closed his eyes.
Suddenly he was in a large cavern, surrounded by the colorful, swirling images of all the other Akatsuki members - including Itachi. His partner's eyes widened a little as he briefly gawked; actually it was just one eye, as the other had swollen to a slit just like Kisame's. In fact, everyone was gawking at him - he realized that although his appearance was vague, they could still tell that he was shirtless and beat to shit.
"Glad you could come," Pain said dryly.
"Phrasing," Kisame muttered under his breath.
"Holy shit, Kisame!" Deidara immediately burst. "What the hell happened to you?!" The outburst was followed by a muttered curse from Sasori.
"Doesn't matter," the swordsman growled, unable to look the little blonde in the eye. Instead he fixed his gaze on Itachi and said, "Suffice it to say, it was something really stupid."
"Come on, tell us who did it," Hidan pried, his violet eyes glinting. "You look like a fuckin' battered wife!"
"Shut the fuck up, Hidan," Kisame snapped.
"Did you and goth boy over there have a spat?" he pressed, his white teeth bared in a scythe-like grin as he looked over at Itachi. "Looks like he's got a shiner too... what a strange coincidence!"
"Next time I see you I'm gonna cut your fuckin' tongue out," the swordsman grated.
"If that actually worked, I would have made him a mute a long time ago..." Kakuzu grumbled, glaring accusingly at his partner. "Immortal jackass."
"Everyone, shut the hell up!" Pain interjected, his deep voice ringing with authority. "What do you people think this is, a fuckin' social gathering?! The reason you're all here is because we have something important to discuss!"
After a bit more grumbling and cursing, everyone finally fell silent.
Once Pain was certain he had everyone's attention, he sighed and said, "I recently received some intel on the general location of one of Orochimaru's new hideouts. I want to know exactly where it is, how big it is, and what he's using it for."
"What do you want us to do?" Sasori asked dryly. "Break in?"
"I want you to do whatever's necessary to obtain the information," Pain snapped. "If that includes breaking in, then so be it! But I'd rather no one put themselves at risk here... so use your skills to do this in the most efficient way possible."
"Why don't we just kill him?" Deidara asked indignantly. "I don't get why we have to spend all this time gathering info about him when he's just one stupid guy."
"Orochimaru isn't stupid," growled Zetsu's black half. "And considering how he switches bodies, he might not even be a guy right now," the white half chimed in with a grin.
"Zetsu's right," said Pain. "About both things, actually. But Orochimaru isn't someone to be taken lightly... not only is he incredibly strong, but he has an armada of medicated freaks under his command. If we just blindly attack him, we'll most certainly suffer casualties, which we can't afford... that's why I want intel. We'll take him down when the time is right."
"So are we all gonna be on this mission together?" Hidan asked. "That would be... annoying."
"I'm putting a four-man squad on the task," said Pain. "It's going to be Deidara, Sasori, Kisame and Itachi. But I want the rest of you within a half-day's journey of the location... just incase the worst happens and reinforcements are needed. This mission is not to be taken lightly." He then proceeded to tell the group the general location of the hideout - it was all the way down in the Tea Country, a penninsula south of the Land of Fire. Everyone grumbled when they heard this - it was a long journey from, well, everything.
"Ugh, that's the middle of nowhere," Deidara griped.
"That's probably why Orochimaru picked it," stated Pain. "Now everyone disperse... except for Kisame and Itachi."
The images of the other members flickered then vanished, leaving Itachi and Kisame locked in a death-glare.
"What did you two gather from your spying mission?" asked Pain.
There was a long silence - Kisame wasn't about to talk and Itachi seemed to be rendered mute. Finally, the Uchiha gave a vague description of the intel they had gathered, skipping over the parts about Deidara's infatuation with the swordsman and, of course, all the raping that had ensued.
"So the Tsuchikage isn't luring us into some kind of trap?" Pain asked.
"No, at least not as far as we could tell," said Itachi.
"Well, good," Pain stated. "That's... mildly helpful to know." Just when he looked like he was about to dismiss them, he said, "Now tell me what the hell is going on with you two! I can sense your locations... you're miles apart from each other! And you both look like absolute shit - especially you, Kisame."
"Thanks," Kisame muttered. Another long silence ensued... Pain's anger seemed to radiate throughout the cave. Since Itachi appeared to be tongue-tied yet again, Kisame sighed and said, "We had a fight. We're not getting along as partners very well."
Pain's rippling gaze shifted back and forth between the two men. "I don't care," he finally stated. "I'm not switching up the whole organization because you two have issues. Got it?"
"That sucks," Kisame muttered under his breath. Met with Pain's glare, he sighed again. "Fine," he growled. He shot Itachi one last cold look before he abruptly left the meeting, cursing aloud as he opened his eyes.
He spent a few more minutes seated on the balcony, embroiled in thought. The meeting had gone decidedly worse than he'd expected it to. The part about him having to remain partners with Itachi was bad enough... what worried him even more was that they were teaming up with Deidara and Sasori. He imagined that within minutes of seeing eachother, they'd all literally be at eachother's throats - not to mention that Deidara was going to try and pry the truth from him with more tenacity than an interrogation squad. The blonde wasn't stupid... he had probably already put two and two together after seeing the Uchiha's matching shiner. I'd do anything to prevent him from blindly attacking Itachi, he thought. He'd be throwing his life away! There's no way I could live with that. And on top of it all, he'd spent the last twelve hours fucking a Deidara look-alike. That definitely doesn't help matters, he told himself bitterly. But after getting mouth-raped and left for dead, banging a hot nurse had actually done wonders for his battered mental state. He didn't regret it as much as he supposed he should, verifying his conviction that he was a piece of shit.
When he finally rose to his feet and went back inside, his mind was weighed down with depressing thoughts. The nurse was laying on the couch, half-asleep. She watched him out of one half-lidded eye and shifted a little. "Did you, umm... have a good time being by yourself?" she asked.
"Not really," Kisame muttered. He looked at the clock on the wall and sighed - he was by far the furthest member from the Tea Country so he was going to have to haul ass to get there punctually. "I gotta take off," he said.
The girl sat up and blinked a few times. "Really?" she stammered. "But I didn't even finish tending to your injuries!"
"I'll be fine," he growled. He went to retrieve Samehada from next to the couch but she grabbed his wrist to stop him. "I told you I gotta leave," he stated bluntly.
"I know," she said. She looked incredibly vulnerable. "I just want to... well... can we just go one more time? Please?"
Kisame glanced from her to the clock then back. "I guess we could..." he finally relented. "But we gotta be quick."
* * *
He left the apartment half an hour later with a post-orgasm buzz and a kit of medical supplies.
"You're welcome back anytime," the girl called after him as he slipped out the door, a hint of desperation in her voice.
"Yah, I know," he said, supressing the urge to laugh outloud. "And by the way... thanks. Seriously."
He stopped by a few stores on his way out of town, grabbing some food and water for the long trip ahead. The nurse had given him a messanger-style canvas bag despite his protests, which he had to admit was already proving to be useful. Once on the southern outskirts of town, he slung the bag over his back, stretched his sore muscles a few times, and started on his journey.

*AUTHOR'S NOTE* Yah... sorry about the hetero action. I know this story's listed under 'yaoi' so maybe it's a bit unfair. But Kisame getting, you know, *raped* in the previous chapter is also unfair, lol. I wanted something good to happen to him after all the bullshit. But hopefully the hetero sex parts were vague enough not to sound too serious... and I tried to make it as un-romantic as possible. The poor woman is just called 'nurse' or 'girl', heheh. I always imagined Kisame to be like... the *opposite* of a lady's man, getting laid cuz he's such an asshole. And getting him to say "DAMNIT, WOMAN" was weirdly satisfying for me. I can just see that part in my head so clearly. o_O Yah, so don't worry about there being anymore hetero action in here. If you were worried. And please leave a comment if u find the time - I'd really appreciate some input.
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