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Searching for Something	By : jellybelle21 Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1063 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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“What are you—“ Neji gasped as Gaara pulled away for a brief moment before biting his neck hard enough that he had probably broken the skin, licking the spot and letting out a low noise that sounded entirely feral. He couldn’t help feeling a bit afraid at moments like this. It always seemed like Gaara had just cracked and nothing he could say or do would stop him. He wanted to enjoy this, to feel the pleasure in the way Gaara was stroking him, holding him against the wall with one hand and a mouth clamped on his shoulder, but he just couldn’t be sure what was going on behind those brilliant eyes. He wanted to let go of his fear, but the way Gaara had switched on like this had just been frightening. He struggled, and got a hand free, but before he could even make a seal, the hand was pushed back by sand, and he suddenly found he couldn’t move any of his body. Gaara was restraining him again with the sand, but at least this time, he wasn’t choking him.

“You want me to fuck you so bad,” he growled, and Neji gasped as the sand and Gaara both released him and he fell forward, almost regaining his balance, but falling to crack both knees on the floor. “Then I will.” He pushed Neji down so he was on all fours and with no further ado, the Hyuuga felt a finger work it’s way up his virgin ass.

“I didn’t say—“ Neji realized what Gaara intended to do, and felt horrified. He was not going to be the bottom. There was no way Gaara could do this to him. He had thought that things between them were getting better, that Gaara was starting to really care about him. He felt tears well up in his eyes again and shoved them back down. He would not allow Gaara to make him cry, to see him cry again. Neji did not cry, and Gaara would start to think that he cried all the time, and that just wasn’t the case. Neji decided that being in love was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. He had gone from being a bit frustrated, but in control of his life and his emotions, to being on his hands and knees, bruised, bleeding, horrified, with very little he could do to escape the fact that he was about to get fucked in the ass. The sand was restraining him again, and he couldn’t move.

It’ll hurt. It already hurts, and he’s only got a finger in there.

“If I knew this was all you wanted, I’d have done it from the start.” Gaara sounded like he was turned on and furious all at the same time. “I didn’t think you wanted to, but if it’s all you can think about…if you want me just to fuck you and no one else, fine.”

Great, I’m sure that in his mood he’ll be really gentle with me.

“Please…don’t.” he knew his voice sounded weak, he also knew that with the sand holding him, he would never be able to stop this without getting Gaara to change his mind. “Don’t.”

“Don’t you want this?” Gaara slipped another finger in and Neji let out a gasp of pain, tears pricking his eyelids at the unexpected sensation. “You’re jealous of all those other people whose names I can’t even remember. Wouldn’t you be happier if I fucked you the way I fucked them?”

“Not…not like that.” Neji’s vision blurred, and he battled intensely to fight back the tears. But it hurt. Every part of his body hurt, and Gaara didn’t care at all, and that hurt more than any of it. “I want you to…want you to love me.”

“What?” the fingers disappeared, and Neji was afraid he was just going to put his dick in, and he knew he wasn’t ready, and he knew he’d cry out, and knew that Gaara would just keep going.

“I don’t want to fuck.” He explained, and the sand disappeared, and he collapsed on the tiled floor, feeling relieved and broken all at once. “I want you to feel like I do. I want us to make love.”

“You love me?” the silence had been long, and Neji didn’t expect the wonder and childlike amazement in Gaara’s voice. He felt the other man’s hands on his shoulders, rolling him over onto his back and moving to straddle his hips. “Is that what you’re saying?”

“Don’t make me spell it out.” Neji still wanted to cry, but he could feel the fear falling away. He had stopped Gaara. He had broken through the lust and rage and made the other man stop and listen to him. “I just…don’t want this. I don’t want to remember my first time with you like this.”

“You were jealous.” Gaara explained, shrugging. “You wanted to have what they had. I thought you’d be happier if I just—“

“No one wants it to happen that way.” Neji shook his head. “No one wants to be just fucked and tossed away like they don’t matter. Sex is supposed to mean something, but the way you do it…”

“I wouldn’t toss you away.” Gaara told him. “I was going to fuck you lots of times, and then you wouldn’t have to be jealous of anyone, because I never fucked anyone more than a few times. I thought that would fix it.”

“I was telling you to stop, didn’t that tell you anything?” Neji was amazed at the simplistic thought process that had almost ended in Gaara raping him on the bathroom floor.

“I thought it was a game, you know.” Gaara explained. “Some people like to do that, they say no, and you do it anyway, and they like it. The first time I didn’t get it, but after they explained it, I saw that people like to do it in different ways.”

“Trust me, when I want you, I’ll say.” Neji sighed and closed his eyes, feeling completely emotionally drained. He had never thought that a relationship could be this difficult. “When I say stop, I mean it.”

“Oh, okay.” Gaara frowned. “No one ever wants me to stop. I didn’t expect that.”

“Well, you’re probably the sexiest man in the whole Sand.” Neji felt a smile on his lips, and was amazed that he could even find it in him to smile after what had happened, after all the pain he could still feel. “Anyone would want you.”

“But you don’t.” Gaara clarified, and Neji opened his eyes and looked at the disappointed face above him.

“I want you, trust me.” Neji ground his hips up so that Gaara could feel his erection. “I always want you. I told you how I feel. I want this to work, though. I don’t want to be forced before I’m ready, and I don’t want to be the bottom.”

“What?” Gaara scowled. “Of course you’re the bottom. You look like a girl.”

“I do not look like a girl!” Neji wrestled his way out from under Gaara and stood up, ignoring the pain in his ass as well as all over the rest of him. “Just because my hair is long doesn’t mean—“

“But you’re pretty.” Gaara stood up and pointed at him as though this was an accusation and not a compliment. “All of you is pretty!”

“If you keep saying that, I’ll cut my hair off.” Neji threatened, and Gaara looked shocked at this.

“All of it?” he asked, sounding slightly petulant.

“I’ll shave myself bald.” Neji realized he would never actually shave himself bald. He looked too good with long, shining hair. But Gaara didn’t need to know he would never possibly carry out this threat. At that moment, the other man burst out laughing, and Neji was so surprised he took a step back, as though afraid he would be attacked again.

“You would look funny…if you were bald.” Gaara managed to get himself under control, and Neji felt a warmth spread through him. He could break through Gaara’s anger. He could make the other man smile, even laugh.

There’s no reason to be afraid of him, he realized. I thought that he controlled me totally, and it scared me, but what I didn’t see was that I control him just as much, and even if he gets angry and loses control, I can always calm him down. I can always make him smile. Because I think…even if he doesn’t really understand it…I think he loves me too.

This revelation was amazing to Neji, it filled him with so much happiness he thought he would burst. He realized that this was what he had been searching for, this was the thing he had so craved that he couldn’t name, that had nearly driven him crazy wanting it but not being able to define it. Gaara’s laughter was cut off sharply when Neji lunged forward, nearly knocking him over, and kissed him on his cheeks, his forehead, his lips, his chin, down to his throat, pushing forward the whole time until Gaara ran into the bed and his legs bent, letting them both fall onto the mattress.

“I do love you.” Neji whispered between kisses. “I do.”

“I…” Gaara was overwhelmed by the sudden affection, the words, and the joy of being naked with Neji in his own bed. “Thanks.”

Neji chuckled at this response, not upset that Gaara didn’t say the words back. He didn’t understand that was what was expected, and he also didn’t really have a solid understanding of most emotions. “I think I have since that night, it just took me so long to realize…” he was still kissing every inch of skin he could reach, and Gaara seemed to be enjoying this immensely. His eyes were at half-mast, and when Neji’s hand went around his half-hard shaft, they widened slightly before a slow, contented smile worked its way over his lips, and he let out a soft, happy sigh.

I’m doing this. I’m making him feel these things, and I could make it stop any time if I wanted. I’m in complete control right now. Neji had not felt in control of the situation since he’d arrived, and suddenly he remembered how much joy he took from it. He worked his hand over Gaara for a bit, hardening him completely, and making him let out a few low, soft moans. Every moment encouraged Neji to continue, every success made him want to try something more. When he twisted his hand and rubbed the drop of liquid beading at the tip, Gaara’s mouth made a little o, and it reminded him of how skilled that mouth was.

Inspired, Neji decided that he would really have to learn to do this at some point, and he knew what felt good to him, at least, so it shouldn’t be that difficult. He edged down the bed, dropping kisses on Gaara’s chest, his abs, his navel, his hipbones, and his upper thighs. He was poised above Gaara’s dick, emerging from a nest of deep red curls a shade darker than the hair on his head. He glanced at Gaara a moment, and the redhead’s eyes were nearly completely closed as he enjoyed letting Neji do whatever he wanted. Neji gathered his courage, lowered his head, and tried to take it all in at once.

He found that it is very hard to get it in your mouth dry like that, so he stopped after getting halfway, pulled back, and began licking the entire thing. Gaara clearly didn’t mind the delay at all, and let out another, slightly louder moan.

I want to make him lose control. I want to make him cry out. Neji realized that even though Gaara wasn’t touching him, he was enjoying this. He was completely hard as well, and the fact that he had taken over the situation so completely, so quickly, and so easily reinforced what he had only just now realized. There was nothing Gaara could do to completely control him, just as there was nothing he could do to completely control Gaara. If the redhead right at that moment told him to stop, he knew he would. He wasn’t excited to take away from Gaara without his permission, the way he had once wanted to do with Sasuke. He was excited that Gaara was trusting him to be in control, was letting him do whatever he wanted, and was clearly appreciating what Neji could do for him.

Because relationships…real ones…they aren’t about who is in control, or who has the most power. They’re about knowing you can take control, and trusting the other person to control you, never being afraid of that, and what it means about you. It doesn’t matter who is bottom or top. It matters that when we’re together, he trusts me, and I trust him. It will always be good, then.

Neji finally stopped licking, even though he had been pleased with how easily he could elicit moans and squirming with something that was simple like that, and went back to his aim. He put his mouth over Gaara’s tip and took in as much as he could, holding the base steady with one hand. A shuddering gasp ran through Gaara’s entire body, and he let out a rumbling noise of pleasure. Neji moaned slightly, and at the reaction, realized that if he made any noise with Gaara’s dick in his mouth, it felt better than ever to him. Also, when Gaara bucked his hips at the sensation, he almost choked and realized he needed to concentrate on relaxing his throat or he would not get very far with this.

He pulled back up and began moving his mouth up and down. That much he could certainly understand how to do. He moved slowly at first, trying to get used to the feeling of something hard and thick completely filling his mouth and throat, trying desperately not to trigger his gag reflex, and once he became used to that, he made a low noise, letting the vibrations run through Gaara’s shaft, causing him to gasp and moan. He was clutching the sheets as though he might fall out of the bed even though he was nowhere near the edge, and his face was twisted in an expression of overwhelming pleasure.

I don’t care if he’s done this before, if other people have done it to him. I’ll become better at it than all of them, and he’ll only ever think of me. Everyone else will shy away in comparison, until the only way he can imagine getting any pleasure is from me.

The thoughts were more than a little possessive, and Neji knew that even though he was learning to trust, learning to share, he would probably always be jealous, probably always hate the idea of anyone else taking Gaara from him. The only way to avoid those feelings, he thought, must be to convince himself that Gaara not only loved him, but could not hope to get as much pleasure from anyone else but him.

Gaara was squirming now, muttering something under his breath that Neji finally realized was “faster,” so he put on more speed, redoubling his concentration so he would not choke. He realized he could use his hand as a stopper, placing it at a point just before his gag reflex would be triggered. He found it was very hard to move and suck, but that he could move his tongue rapidly under the shaft as he went up and down. This discovery was welcome by Gaara, who was now letting out a series of sounds that sounded halfway between moans and mewls. If Neji weren’t so excited himself, he would have found this comparison very funny, but as it was, he just wanted to bring Gaara to climax more than anything else.

“Please…please…” Neji had no idea why Gaara was saying that, but he just kept up what he was doing, hoping that’s what Gaara wanted, and sure enough, after another few moments, Gaara’s eyes flew open, and he let out a wordless cry of pleasure, just as a hot stream of fluid shot into Neji’s mouth.

It did taste salty, and at the same time, a bit weird. He could understand why Tenten didn’t like it, but he had thought it was actually rather sexy when Gaara swallowed it, though he wasn’t sure if that was because of the swallowing, or just the fact that it was Gaara, so he gave it his best effort and choked the stuff down. It wasn’t too bad, and it reminded him of fish. The texture was strange, but he felt sure he would get used to it. When he pulled his mouth off of Gaara, he looked up at the completely sated expression, and realized that even if it made him gag every time he did it, he would swallow this stuff forever if it meant that he would get this expression from his lover. He was smiling slightly, and he looked like he might even fall asleep. He blinked lazily at Neji and held his arms out, like a child asking to be held. Neji couldn’t help smiling at that comparison, as it seemed so innocent, and what they had just done was anything but.

“How was that?” he couldn’t help asking. He knew he was vain, and he felt he kept it reasonably under control, but he wanted to hear Gaara tell him he’d liked it, tell him it had felt amazing. It had been his first time, and he was proud of how well he had done, and he wanted acknowledgement, though that look on his face really might be acknowledgement enough.

“Mmm,” Gaara sounded as though he’d just woken up, a bit groggy, his voice slightly husky, and when Neji crawled up to give him what he wanted, he pulled Neji down on top of him like a human blanket and sighed happily. “I love you.”

“Wh—what?” Neji was surprised. He had expected to hear he’d done a good job, he hadn’t expected that. He wondered with a sudden bite of jealousy if Gaara even knew what he was saying, or if he said that whenever someone gave him an orgasm, whoever it was. He fought those misgivings down and let himself just enjoy the warm glow of the words. “I love you too.” He returned, kissing Gaara softly, and enjoying the warmth under him, enjoying the soft rumble of happiness that escaped the redhead, and enjoying the firm hold of those arms around him.

Before, he would have quailed at the idea of letting another man be on top, but as he lay there, enjoying the aftermath, and completely forgetting his own flagging erection, he knew that he would do anything to bring Gaara this pleasure. And it couldn’t be that bad, if men were doing it that way all the time. Surely there must be something gained from that position. An hour ago, the thought that Gaara was going to enter him had filled him with dread and doubt, and now it made him nervous, but excited. He wanted to see Gaara’s face when he came, as many times as possible. He loved that face, and he wanted to believe that even if other people had gone down on him or had sex with him, none of them had been given this. He was cuddling with Gaara, he realized, and he doubted that any of the nameless sex partners had been allowed this thing. The difference was that Gaara was trying to scratch an itch before, just trying to get rid of an ache that he didn’t know how else to alleviate. Now he was sharing something much more meaningful.

“I think I see what you mean.” Gaara’s voice was still husky, and he spoke as though he had read Neji’s thoughts. “About sex meaning something. I should have never…without understanding.”

Neji realized he was trying to apologize for what happened earlier, and knew that he didn’t even need that anymore. “It’s okay.” He kissed Gaara’s forehead, right on the kanji that meant much more to him now than it had before. “No one’s ever said no to you, you didn’t realize sometimes people aren’t ready.”

“I don’t want you to ever go.” Gaara went on. “I want you to live with me forever this way.”

“I don’t think that’s even possible.” Neji told him, a sad smile on his face. “I belong to the Leaf, I can’t just defect from my home village and become a part of yours. Even if Tsunade allowed it, my family never would.”

“I’m the Kazekage.” Gaara spoke as if that settled the matter. “If I want you to stay, they’ll listen to me. No matter what I have to give in exchange. A thousand ninja, I’d do it.”

“Are there even a thousand ninja here?” Neji couldn’t help chuckling slightly. Hearing Gaara talk this way made him feel a warm squirming in his stomach. He wanted to stay here, too. He wanted to believe it was possible.

“Probably not,” Gaara sighed slightly. “Temari would know. But whatever it takes, I’m keeping you here.” There was a slight pause, and Gaara blinked at him apprehensively. “You do want to stay here, right?”

“Of course.” Neji smiled, and Gaara returned it at once. He was smiling easier and easier, it seemed. “I love you.”

“Good.”

-----

To be continued…
- 8
- 9
- 10
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