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Love Me When I'm Gone	By : KittenCobra Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 2028 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
7. Mistake
I can feel my skin tingle beneath Gaara’s fingertips as he traces his hand along my arm, from my shoulder down to my wrist and back. He caresses my arm almost idly now, staring out at the moonless night above. I lay in his arms, curled up against his side with my head lying lazily on his shoulder; his other arm wrapped behind my back. If one didn’t know better, his posture would seem protective. I push the thought aside as quickly as it arises, reminding myself of our simple agreement.
We have lain like this for several nights in a row now, as I enjoy the feeling. If the sensation from my arm wasn’t so pleasant, I might be tempted to drift to sleep like this. This is becoming easier for me each time, as I can feel my defenses starting to relax.   Each morning, I have ventured to the kind woman’s small balcony to retrieve my only meal, thankful for her grace. Each night I arrive at the roof to find him already laid back against the tile in a lazy posture. As I walk up to him, he will glance at me with his carefully guarded stare, then turn back to the sky and simply open his arm for me to take my place.
He turns his face to me. His bright jade eyes almost look curious, but remain overshadowed by their cool distance. He drops his gaze to my mouth for only a fraction of a moment before he speaks.
“I’m going to kiss you,” he states as plainly as if he were commenting on the weather.
Oh God… I think to myself. I had expected at least this much the very first night I presented myself to him. I was more prepared then. My heart begins to beat faster, as I wish I had been more careful to keep myself psyched up – ready for whatever desires may come his way.   His casual adjustments have caught me off guard. Even now the cool distance in his eyes has me somewhat disbelieving that he truly desires me. I close my eyes and tilt my face up toward him, making it easier for him.
As soon as his lips come down softly on my own, my heart feels as if it is flying straight out of my chest. I try to hold back my response, to allow only his desire and control, but my best intentions go up in smoke. I can feel pleasure pour off of him with an even stronger wave of desire on its heels. My hands fly up to entwine in his blood red locks, pulling him down to me and opening my mouth to grant him better access. I can feel his surprise, but his response is even stronger than my own. He deepens the kiss instinctively – entwining his tongue with mine – and rolls towards me, settling his weight down along my side. His hand becomes firm against my arm now, then my hip, and now is tracing up the planes of my abdomen.
Oh God it has been so long since I’ve been kissed like this… My entire body feels like it is burning at his touch. This passion is so much stronger than any I can remember. I yearn to be pressed to him as close as possible; loving the sensations that he stirs within my belly, and recognizing the familiar ache in my chest. A memory starts to flood into my mind’s eye...
The last man I had used as my guardian had been passionate like this, but not gentle. He is kissing me roughly, angrily, but I don’t understand why. I have tried to please him – tried to avoid causing him anger, but my shyness frustrates him. Is that why he is angry now? He fists his hand in my hair and yanks my head back roughly, glaring hatefully into my eyes. “You think I wouldn’t find out, you little bitch?!” He slaps me hard across the face.
I am jerked back roughly to the present by Garra pulling back from me suddenly, as if he himself had been slapped. His face is completely open to me in this moment, shock and confusion registering on his normally composed features as he looks into my eyes.
Oh no! Damnit!
I had been so distracted by my own response to him that I wasn’t holding my guard up against him in my mind. I can tell from his expression that he has just seen my memory as clearly as his own. The cool distance settles onto his face again, but morphs quickly into anger. Shit! I can’t afford a mistake like this! If he becomes angry he could truly crush me. I know from whispers within the village that he has killed out of anger many times before. I can’t let him know what I am. I have never lied to him, but I have hidden the truth about myself. No man has ever accepted this before, not without making me suffer for it. I feel a tear escape the corner of my eye, and turn to run from him. In one foolish moment, all of my effort has come to nothing.
I don’t get more than a few steps before I can feel the sand lash out and wrap tightly around my body – ceasing my flight. It is uncomfortable, but not yet painful. I can tell, though, how easily it could be. The sand seems to vibrate softly with his anger.
“What was that?” he demands in a low growl, “What did I see?”
More tears leak from my eyes now. I will not answer him. I will not give this part of myself away. I close my eyes and wait him out. The silence feels deafening.
“I saw…,” he hesitates, and as I open my eyes, I can see that the calm exterior is back in place. “When I kissed you… after a time I saw you with another man. He was angry. You were afraid. He… he struck you… Why did I see this? Kankuro has never mentioned sharing memories before.”
I can feel my face fall and a quiet sob escapes my throat. Great… He has no idea at all what to expect from even the most basic embrace, but he obviously knows enough to know this is not normal. Why in God’s name had that terrible memory tried to surface now?! Is it simply because I have stayed away from men too long? Allowed my bitterness to begin settling in more permanently? Regardless, I cannot allow him to think this is a common occurrence, or he may mention it to someone. If he does, I will have to flee this place quickly… again… like so many others before now. It will be easier for them to find me.
I realize in this moment that I could blame it on him. I could say that I don’t know why he saw what he saw… that this must be some fault on his part, some symptom left to the previous host of a demon… but I simply can’t bring myself to do that to him. I remember his timid approaches from so many nights; his extreme caution. He is always trying to shield his reactions from me, to pretend our embraces are less shocking to him than they truly are. I remember the small boy I saw in his memories, with such wide dark-rimmed eyes; wanting so desperately to be held, to be loved. Deep down, I truly do not want to cause him more unnecessary pain.
I meet his gaze solemnly. “I’m sorry you had to see that. I hadn’t meant to let you see.”
He glances away from me, unsettled. “Does this embrace always cause this? A sharing of memories?” I can see this makes him nervous. No doubt he has many, many memories he never wishes anyone to see.
“No,” I reply. “That is my fault. I… I have led you to believe that I am a normal woman. That the pleasure you share with me will be just like that of any other woman you meet. This is not true, and for that I am truly sorry. I never intended harm… I just thought it would be easier to shield from you. It always has been before…”
This thought distracts me. I never have had this problem before… I have had many relationships with many men. I have always been able to hide my curse from them easily during a moment of passion. Of course, I have never actually been so bold as to welcome one into my bed before. Many had wanted to, and several had tried. I had fended them off for the most part, and fled when necessary. I had started out assuming that Gaara would require extra incentive to take me up on my offer; that he would expect no limits to find real interest, as he is swarmed so continuously by young women in his role as Kazekage. I couldn’t have been more wrong…
“Please,” I begin to beg, “please do not tell anyone of this. I will not hold you to our agreement. I will leave, and you don’t have to see me again if you do not wish to.” Truthfully, I will flee from this place anyway, as soon as I can escape his grasp.
“Explain.” He narrows his eyes down at me, and draws me so close with his sand, that I am practically nose to nose with him.
“No.”
He shakes me roughly with the sand and glares down at me again. “Why was I able to see your memory? Why were you intentionally shielding this from me? That is your claim. Explain!”
Well… I think, feeling myself sink down into the familiar depths of despair. There’s no getting out of this now. “I am… cursed, I suppose you could say. Some would call it a gift, but I would disagree. I am… telepathic. Have you heard of this term before?”
He continues to stare at me through narrowed eyes, a scowl on his beautiful face, and shakes his head in denial.
“In a nutshell, it means I can share thoughts with those around me; usually without their knowledge, and usually not sharing my own. It becomes more challenging when I am physically intimate, but not overly so. I simply have to concentrate more, to keep the wall up between me and my partner. To keep our thoughts and memories separated… shielded.”
I am expecting the rage that comes into his face, but not the reasoning. “Is this why you made me this offer?! You seek information from me as the Kazekage?! What have you learned? What have you seen?!”
My protectors are always angry if they learn of my condition. They feel lied to, betrayed; and this is fair. I always hide this. It would be unwise not to. However, I now see the severe misjudgment I have made, and I begin to feel afraid. He thinks I am a spy! He thinks I wanted information from him! Oh God, what have I done? That was never my intention… but there’s no way to prove that now.
“No!” I shout, my voice rising in fear. “I swear Gaara! I never wanted information. That has nothing to do with my offer! I told you I only expected pleasure from you, and I meant that. I have been very careful not to stray into your thoughts. Please…”
He shakes me roughly now and the sand has become so much tighter around me that it is becoming painfully hard to breathe. “Oh spare me your lies,” he mocks, “I should have realized this from the beginning. No one would willingly get close to me this way… not to the monster of the desert! Who sent you? Who are you working for?”
Tears begin leaking from my eyes again. The crushing pain of the sand is too much. I could hurt him with my mind – I could inflict pain myself – but I don’t want to inflict any more. He had been so gentle, so kind. But what do I do?! He will crush me completely soon. My bones feel as if they will explode from the pressure. I cry out in agony. His face is closer to mine than ever as he glares down his hate at me. In desperation, I do something that could prove fatal, but I have to try something before it is too late.
I jerk with all the force I can bring forth, and manage to get my lips against his own. I drop all walls in my mind, allowing him free access to nearly everything at once. This is almost cruel – could prove painfully overwhelming for him, but I don’t have time to be gentle. I let all the desire I have felt for him in the past weeks come flooding through me, and I can feel him stiffen beneath my mouth.
I remember what he looked like sparring in the sunlight with his brother and sister, like a demi-god in motion with bright jade eyes. I remember the heat of his gaze on my body as I presented myself that first night, and the fear I felt of his rejection.
I begin to feel him relaxing only slightly, but he is returning my kiss now as his desire is beginning to flare back to life again, and he grips the back of my head to hold me in place.
I remember my surprise at his cautious caresses, and the pleasure they bring me. I remember the glances I have caught of him, when he thought no one looking, and the sadness that tore at my heart from his somber eyes. Now I shift my focus.
I remember running… running for my life as one of my would-be-lovers chases me through the woods. I remember again, being struck for my secret after I’ve been discovered. I remember face, after face, after face to which I have turned for temporary shelter from the cold. I remember when one of them tried to sell me for my curse… when I tore through his mind to free myself. The feeling of being terrified – bound and gagged – naked on the stone floor. I remember his lifeless eyes staring back at me after I rendered his own mind useless to him.
I remember training, trying to learn how to mask my abilities as a simple vocal jutsu, as a genjutsu, or anything other than the truth. I remember the children around me whispering, calling me names, calling me Monster. I remember the adults shying away from me, not wanting to touch me – afraid it would reveal their private shames. I go all the way back to my first memory… waking up, standing in the rain – a man in a mask stares down at me. “Where have you come from child? What has happened here?”
I can feel Garra still kissing me, but more slowly now. I feel both desire and confusion rolling off him in waves. He pulls back and I realize he is panting for air; his expression slightly pained. He also looks completely shocked, his bright jade eyes now are as wide as dinner plates. His sand falls uselessly to the ground around me. He even steps back from me once. Of everything so far this night, I cannot stand that the most. I feel the pain lance through my chest at his retreat. He is recoiling from me as if I’m some sort of desert viper.
How could I have been so stupid?! How could I have let this happen? Not again! God not so soon!
I throw the walls back up around my own thoughts, and turn and flee as fast as I can. This time he does not stop me. I realize belatedly that I am now truly sobbing. I stumble as my tears blur my vision. This has all gone so wrong, so quickly. Why did I let myself hope for peace? So stupid! I jumped down from the rooftops and continue running. I run until I can see the early rays of morning sunlight coming over the horizon. I have long since left the gates of Suna. I run until my feet give out from under me. I fall to the ground in a painful heap, my body screaming, and continue to sob until the exhaustion takes me beneath the black.
- 6
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Love Me When I'm Gone

7. Mistake