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Chrysanthemum	By : AWickedMemory Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1189 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Title: Chrysanthemum

Author: D.A. Maxwell

Chapter: 07

A/N:

     This chapter is entirely about why the fic is named what it is. It's probably the chapter I've been most looking forward to this entire fic-- which is funny, as it was planned to be somewhat short, but ended up longer than I'd anticipated. Definitely not as long as the last two, though.

     I should probably warn you that it's a tad much darker than its preceding chapters, thanks to all the depressing documentaries I've been watching in class lately. There may be some disturbing descriptions. You are warned.

REVIEWS:

     KatFO: Hee. XD She turned out okay, then? I don't know much of her, so... †_†; The, like, two seconds I've seen of her, I completely can't remember. :D

     kyandoru: Ahahaha... I'm sure Neji sometimes wonders that as well. ·.·; You're welcome, and thanks for reviewing! ♥

     Annieme: Yay! ::reels you in:: =3 Thank you. ^_^

     pen_name: XD That's the introduction to why, anyway. This chapter will be the main reason why it's called what it is. º_° But chapter 6 drove me nuts-- every time I reread it, it felt so choppy and disjointed. x_X Thanks, though. ^^v

     Drivven Labyrinth: Ooh, which fic?? Is it "The Way Things Are" or something else?? I'm always eager to find more ShikaNeji. =3

     Dying Dreams: Hee! I've seen you over at The Way Things Are. =3 Thank youuu. *o* For reviewing and for 'absolutely loving' it.

     aey: ^_^ Thank you. :3 I'm glad it successfully amused you. ^_~ Thanks for reading and reviewing!

     AngelicChaos: Yes, the flower is a symbol of something. =P That's what this chapter is for. ^_~ Flowers in general I think represent the birth of something new, though, so that symbolism is there. But analyze away-- I love analyses. ♥

     SecretQuill: Thank you! ·.·;

--

     Eleven days after the party, Neji was dispatched on a mission to a village a three-day travel away. As he was being sent solely for surveillance purposes and was not, under any circumstances, to get involved before ordered to, he'd be going alone. He was unconcerned with the mission itself, but once hearing about it, Shikamaru had become strangely quiet. Quieter than usual, at any rate.
     The day before he was due to depart, Neji packed what he'd need from the Hyuuga compound, then went by Shikamaru's to grab a few last items. Shikamaru was curled up on the couch when he unlocked the door and let himself in, reading and having a cigarette. Neji grimaced at the scent, shaking his head but not commenting on it. Shikamaru had cut the cigarettes back to twice or thrice a day on average, so he couldn't really complain. He fetched the spare toothbrush, bandages, and a couple of other things he'd left over, securing them in his bag before going over to stand behind the couch. "The Godaime expects that I should be back within ten days or so, so don't forget to water the mum. Watch the weather, bring the fern in if it starts getting windy," he reminded.
     "Yeah," Shikamaru replied noncommittally.
     Neji frowned. What the hell's wrong with him? He shook his head. "Well, I'm off, then." He started to turn away, but paused when Shikamaru reached out to grab the end of his sleeve. Glancing back, he saw the shadow nin eyeing him seriously. "Yes?"
     "Neji..." Shikamaru sighed, letting go. "Just... be careful, okay? It's not going to be like the missions you're used to."
     Rolling his eyes-- not something he did regularly, but he'd picked up the habit from the other man somewhere along the way-- Neji gave him an even look. "I'll be fine, Nara."
     "I know. Anyway... think of it like a test, okay? Be prepared for anything."
     "You don't have to tell me that. What's gotten into you? It's not like you to worry," Neji remarked. His words and expression were dismissive, but there was an uneasy twisting in his stomach. He wouldn't be acting like this if he didn't think it was important, reason pointed out. But what does he think I am, delicate? I'm not Hinata. "Besides, it's just surveillance."
     Shikamaru snorted, seeming to go back to being himself. "Who says I'm worrying? I'm just telling you to be careful. And remember what Tsunade said-- don't get involved, no matter what you see, no matter how much you want to."
     "I'm not going to disobey mission orders. I'll be fine," Neji sighed, shouldering his bag and heading for the door. "Anyway, see you in ten days."
     "Yeah..." Shikamaru watched him leave, brow furrowed in thought. Once the other man was gone, he sighed and looked back at his book. Giving up after trying to read a few more pages, he got up, finished his cigarette, grabbed his keys, then headed out to train and expend some energy.
     --
     It was almost three weeks before Neji came home.
     A little after ten P.M., Shikamaru had just put away a drawing he'd been working on when he heard something outside the door. He eyed the entrance warily, and tensed when he heard a key in the lock and the door opened to reveal the familiar form of his friend and sometimes-roommate.
     Neji didn't appear to be injured-- at least, not enough to be problematic. He seemed tired, unsurprisingly, but there wasn't so much as a scratch on him. Not even a strand of hair was out of place, and sometime along his return route, he'd apparently stopped somewhere to change out of his uniform and into regular slacks, a long-sleeved shirt, and a knee-length coat. He seemed to be as fit and fine as ever.
     What was unnerving was how disturbingly blank his expression was. Contrary to what many thought, the Hyuuga eyes expressed as much emotion as anybody else's if one paid attention. Now, however, Neji's eyes betrayed nothing. Still, many high-ranking ninjas-- especially jounin-- returned from particularly grave mission in much the same way, and Shikamaru knew that he, for one, often did as well. The mood tended to pass quicker the more they got used to their duties. Neji wouldn't break.
     Shikamaru started to relax.
     The relief quickly turned into confusion when he saw what was in Neji's arms. "Neji... what the hell?"
     Shifting the weight of the box to one arm, Neji let his bag drop by the door and shut and locked the door behind himself. He didn't say anything, shaking his head instead as he entered the living room.
     Concern returning, Shikamaru went to the kitchen to fetch a few tall containers and fill them with water. He brought them over to the corner where Neji was knelt at, setting them down and helping him separate and arrange the three dozen bright flowers he'd brought. Finishing, they sat back on the floor.
     It was several minutes before either of them spoke. "'If we may be permitted a generalization, the chrysanthemum is a flower which singly gives an impression of loneliness,' Neji quoted, slowly and softly. Shikamaru glanced at him as he continued. "'-- But when in the thousands, creates a very cheerful effect.'"
     It's not like him to deliberately seek out something 'cheerful,' much less go out and by thirty-six flowers. Christ, what did he see on the mission...? A few seconds went by as Shikamaru weighed asking versus contemplating why that line sounded naggingly familiar, before his memory fell into place. He let out a slow breath. "Futabatei Shimei?"
     Neji nodded.
     Another minute or two ticked by before Shikamaru cautiously asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"
     Neji shook his head.
     "Okay. Do you need something to eat?"
     This time, Neji hesitated before shaking his head.
     "Drink?"
     "... Maybe."
     Shikamaru got to his feet. "Alcoholic or not?"
     "Not."
     "All right. Go get changed."
     At first, Neji remained where he was as Shikamaru headed for the kitchen, lost in his thoughts. Eventually standing, he went to retrieve his bag, then dragged himself listlessly to the bedroom to change into just shorts (another habit he'd picked up from Shikamaru-- the blankets really did feel nice). He ducked into the bathroom briefly to wash his face, but instead of going back to the main room, he returned to drop onto the bed. With his back against the headboard, head tilted up, he stared at the ceiling and let his mind go blank.
     Shikamaru entered shortly thereafter and handed him a peach smoothie.
     Without a word, he settled down next to his friend. Neji glanced at him, and for a moment, Shikamaru wondered if he should give Neji some space; a small nod of thanks, however, soothed his concerns, and he relaxed.
     They nursed their drinks in silent companionship for the next hour. Shikamaru took their empty glasses-- briefly startling Neji from his reverie-- to the kitchen, and by the time he returned, Neji had curled up under the covers. Rather than taking his usual place on the edge of the bed, however, he was lying facing the wall.
     To some small degree, this pleased Shikamaru-- that Neji felt comfortable enough there to not need to hover within reach of an easy escape, as had been the purpose of their original sleeping positions. To a greater degree, however, it worried him to see the strong, proud man acting so unsettled, almost vulnerable. Still, he knew as well as any jounin what an impact that first severe mission could make. The fact that a surveillance-only mission could rank so high only meant either that the route or location were extremely dangerous-- in which case a team of ninjas would have gone together-- or that what the jounin would witness wasn't something somebody faint of heart could stand.
     Still, Neji hadn't returned a shaking, shattered mess, as he'd seen some ninja do, so Shikamaru was certain that he would be fine. Without a doubt, that must have been the reason Neji had been gone twice as long as planned: he would have observed his own weakness and tended to it somewhere alone before returning to Konoha. On his own first mission, Shikamaru had also been delayed by several days to collect his thoughts. Even then he'd returned when he did only after carefully sealing away his emotions and relying solely on cold cognition until enough time had passed that he could squarely face what he'd seen.
     But Neji was stronger than he was, Shikamaru knew, and not so afraid to face himself. All he could offer him was a place to come home to and unwind. It might take some time, but the Hyuuga would recover.
     Turning off the lights, Shikamaru slipped under the covers. They bade each other good-night, and went to sleep.
     --
     It was about 3 AM when Shikamaru was stirred awake.
     At first, he wasn't sure what had woken him. The room was silent and still, and at his side, Neji was quietly asleep. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes and stretched, adjusting the blankets more snugly and closing his eyes again to sleep.
     And then there it was.
     Just the slightest of tremors-- an unmistakable tension in the shoulders-- a quiet sound, higher than a breath but not quite a whimper. Shikamaru turned his head to eye Neji's back worriedly, brow furrowed. There was nothing else for a few moments, and then a small convulsion wracked the other man's pale, slim form.
     Sighing, Shikamaru propped himself up on his left elbow and reached out to place a gentle hand on Neji's arm. He called his name softly, not wanting to startle him but trying to pull him out of the nightmares he knew were going on in that restless mind. Neji didn't respond except to tense again, and Shikamaru cleared his throat and gave him a small shake. "Ne--"
     An instant later, he found his wrist held in a painfully tight grip when Neji sat up sharply, muscles wound as tightly as a coiled cobra and eyes unnaturally bright and wide. His breath came out in short, laboured gasps as his throat constricted, senses alert for danger.
     Shikamaru held his breath.
     Neither was sure how much time had passed before Neji began to relax, loosening his grip on Shikamaru's arm. "Sorry," he murmured in a low, hoarse tone, finally closing his eyes.
     "Don't worry about it," Shikamaru replied just as quietly, keeping a cautious eye on his friend. Shoulders drawn up defensively, blankets wound around his waist and loose, messy hair clinging to his sweat-dampened neck and back, Shikamaru felt a sharp stab of sympathy at the desolate sight. Empathy, he corrected himself wearily. He looks like I felt that first night.
     Neji didn't reply, and Shikamaru couldn't help but feel like his friend was on a completely different plane rather than sitting inches away. Feeling a cold draft in the room, Shikamaru glanced toward the window warily, but found it closed; Neji's subsequent shiver, however, confirmed that he wasn't the only one feeling the chill. There was just something about waking up from a bloody nightmare just to realize that it was a memory...
     Before he knew what he was doing, he reached out to the brunette. Neji looked up with a startled face as Shikamaru slipped an arm around his back and pulled him close. "Shika-- what--?"
     "Relax," Shikamaru murmured soothingly, resting his cheek against the edgy man's temple. Lifting his other hand, he drew it through Neji's hair, loosening it from the sticky, salty skin and straightening out the tangles. He moved in slow, steady motions, touch gentle and reassuring, and despite that it should have been an incredibly awkward situation there was absolutely nothing suggestive about the comforting gesture.
     Neji felt like crying.
     He'd known he couldn't go back to the Hyuuga compound straight after the mission. Hinata was too damn sensitive, and she would have picked up instantly that something was wrong. Shikamaru had as well, of course, but unlike him, she would have smothered him with mothering urges and struggled to 'fix' it. Trying to remain unperturbed around Hiashi would have been nigh on impossible.
     But he didn't want to fall apart around Shikamaru, either. The mission itself had gone on for fourteen days, and the remaining week had been spent feeling sick and steeling himself for the return to Konoha. He wanted to maintain his composure as much as he could, and he definitely, definitely didn't want to cry.
     It was unacceptable to lose that much control.
     But now, in the middle of the silent night, being held protectively in the arms of the one person he really felt he knew well enough-- and knew him well enough-- to call a friend, it was as if Shikamaru was telling him that it was all right to lose control. Wasn't that what he'd been saying these past several months-- that sometimes, even he had to let go?
     So he did. Bringing uncertain, unsteady arms up, he clung to the younger man and let out a smothered sob. The knot suffocating his chest began to slowly unwind as he cried, mostly silent except for the occasional distressed mewl that under any other circumstance would have completely mortified him.
     Later, Shikamaru would tell him that he cried for about twenty minutes, although it felt more like two hours. All he knew was that at the end of his breakdown, Shikamaru gently tucked him back into bed and left, returning moments later with a warm, damp cloth that he used to wipe at the drying tears on Neji's cheeks.
     By the time Shikamaru had set the cloth aside and crawled back into bed, settling the covers cozily around them after drawing him close once more, Neji's mind had cleared enough to register two things: one, that Shikamaru was being so uncharacteristically... tender... and two, that he had just behaved deplorably by Hyuuga standards. A moment later, a third thought joined the pair: he couldn't bring himself to care.
     Shikamaru had been right all along. Even he was human. No matter how strong he became and how much he trained, nothing could have prepared him for that, and the emotional release felt cathartic. Draining, but relieving as well. He could only imagine how much worse he'd have reacted if he'd never become friends with the other jounin before going on this mission, tense and angry and impatient. Maybe he wouldn't have felt so disgusted with himself, but it was also likely that he wouldn't have been alive to have any regrets.
     They lay in silence, only their tight embrace confirming that neither was asleep. When Neji finally spoke, his voice came out rough and his throat felt raw. "How... how can you go on like this? Go on missions so... so vulgar, and stay so sane...?"
     Rather than answer the question, Shikamaru remained silent. Something told him that Neji wasn't looking for a real answer yet, and that more than anything, he just needed to let his thoughts out. Instead, he stroked his hair soothingly, waiting for him to continue.
     "I... I know Tsunade was right, to tell me not to get involved. I would have been completely overpowered in an instant, and killed for sure. But it felt so wrong to walk away...
     "After my dad died, all I could think about was feeling like a slave to my clan. I had to follow their orders, do whatever they said, lay my life down if they told me to. But I never realized how much freedom I still had-- to go to school, learn, study, make friends. I hated the main branch for making me feel so caged, but I didn't realize how much of that cage I'd fashioned myself.
     "But god... seeing a village like that--! It was like a warzone, but so one-sided. Every day I was there, hiding and watching, the village leaders--" Neji let out a short laugh, bitter and scornful. "If they can even be called that. The village officials would come through, taking everything from everyone. Sons would be stolen away for servitude, husbands beaten before their families, daughters r-- raped before their parents. Their homes ransacked, anything with the slightest value stolen away."
     Shikamaru's hand stilled, and Neji began to tremble again as he focused on the horrific memories. The Nara resumed his patient caress, and a few shaky breaths later, Neji continued.
     "The first time I saw what was going on, I was too shocked to move. I was staying with a family of four that the Hokage had sent me to, literally hiding in their cellar and watching from between the floorboards. The father, Mamoru-san-- he was a farmer at the edge of the village. The Godaime didn't elaborate, but I guess Mamoru-san got away from the village long enough to find a messenger from a nearby town and beg for help. I don't know how he wasn't killed when he came home, but...
     "When I first arrived, it was already evening. Still, the officials came in the middle of the night, throwing the household upside-down. They weren't just high-nosed bullies, though-- they were completely brutal and heartless, but they were trained. It was like they'd spent their lives being taught how to destroy the lives of others. Like it was their right, and the villagers knew it. Amaya was eight, but she didn't do anything but cover her brother's face and stare when the officials started beating her father, telling her mother she'd be better off a whore if she wanted to protect her family. Kichirou never said a word, hiding behind his sister until the officials would go away. And after they were gone, everybody just... went back to their lives, trying to salvage whatever was broken, clean up-- Christ, smile! How could anyone become so used to that kind of life, that they just keep going...?
     "And they considered themselves lucky. Mamoru-san's brother had struck a guard for touching his wife, and he'd had the fingers of his right had cut off, one by one, on the spot. Nobody had any hope. There were no schools, the land was terrible for farming, everybody was starving, and still, every day, more and more was taken from them. Most people didn't even have homes-- some slept in tents, some out in the streets or in the fields. And somehow, they just keep living, in the worst kind of destitution that I've ever even heard of.
     "I was so angry, I couldn't think-- I wanted to find the leaders and kill them, no matter what it took. But Mamoru-san warned me from the first day not to let myself be seen-- that their officials were nothing compared to the guards, they'd only send more, and everybody would be worse off. That if any of them knew I was there, I'd be killed instantly. He asked me to just stay quiet, and report back here-- tell the Godaime what I'd seen-- someday bring help.
     "I was only there for four days, but I couldn't make myself just leave. For several more days, I stayed in the woods around the village, trying to decide what to do. How could I see something like that and walk away...?"
     Neji fell silent. Shikamaru wondered if he were done, but he remained silent, giving him the chance to say whatever more might need to be said. Neji shifted to burrow more closely against his chest, and when he spoke again a few minutes later, his voice was muffled-- almost inaudible.
     "I finally left. All those oppressed families, starving children, murdered people-- I left them behind to come home. And on the way, I found a woman. She was parched and malnourished, carrying a bundle of cloth in her arms, and they smelled terrible. I thought I'd pass out just standing near her. She didn't even have the strength to keep going, sitting curled up in the woods. I gave her some water and talked with her, but it became obvious that she was completely insane. All I could make out was that she was from that godforsaken village, and she wanted me to save her baby. I couldn't think what to do, but I knew that she was going to die at any moment-- and she did. Minutes after I took the baby from her, she died, smiling crazily.
     "I've never held an infant before, but it didn't feel right. It was too light, too still. So I walked away from her, to the river, and I unwrapped the fabric, and-- oh, god."
     Neji didn't have to explain; Shikamaru knew. Still, he'd fixedly begun telling the tale, and it seemed like he was voicing it aloud for himself even more than for Shikamaru, so he kept going.
     "I can't even imagine how long that baby had been dead, but thank god it was. She must have been born deformed-- her head was enormous, face unnaturally pinched, and her belly had gotten so bloated that it had rotted and burst.
     "It was too much. I should have buried it, and her mother, but I couldn't think-- I dropped it into the river, threw up, and ran. I went to the nearest town, to an inn, and just locked myself away for a few days, trying to come to grips with everything. You-- you've been a jounin for a while now. How do you do this...?"
     Shikamaru sighed, coughing to get his voice back before finally answering. "I'm... this seems like a twisted way to put it, but I'm lucky. You had to go in, not knowing what to expect, and come back without being allowed to do anything. And believe me, I know how awful that feels-- I had a similar experience my first solo mission as a jounin. But now, my job is different. My role is to figure out the way to make those kills you were denied. I get the preparatory information in advance, go in, and finish the task. I'm not so good at sneaking in, seeing everything that I can, and sneaking out-- I think too much, automatically start analyzing how to get it done instead of how to get out. So I don't have to deal with the... survivor's guilt, anymore." My conscience is allowed to be put to rest.
     Neji processed this. Then, accepting it, he nodded and relaxed.
     As time ticked by, Shikamaru wondered if Neji had fallen asleep. Even as the thought occurred to him, however, Neji spoke again. "When I was at the inn..."
     "Yeah?"
     "The... last thing the woman had said to me was the baby's name. The entire time I was there, and the rest of the trip back, I just kept hearing it over and over-- while I was awake, while I was sleeping, if I was eating or bathing or whatever. I couldn't get it out of my head."
     Shikamaru hesitated when Neji's voice trailed off before quietly asking, "what name...?"
     Neji's shoulders tightened again, and his fingers dug into Shikamaru's back; no doubt they'd leave bruises the next morning. His whisper was so low, Shikamaru almost missed it-- and almost wished he had. He felt something lodge itself in his throat as the final piece of the puzzle fell into place: why Neji had returned looking the way he did, carrying what he did. Closing his eyes, he mouthed the word silently back into the night.
     "Kiku."
--
A/N:

- Not exactly a picker-upper, but this is definitely the darkest thing that will be in the entire story. The rest of the story will be back to the lighthearted mood of the previous chapters. I know this must have seemed sudden and out of place, but I felt a really strong need to stick in something of how hard it must be to be a jounin-- the kind of things they'd see and do. Since Neji got promoted to a jounin, I wanted him to go on a mission and discover just what it was he'd worked so hard to achieve, and what Shikamaru has been doing for however long. It's bleak, but it was a growing experience for him and a bonding moment for them both.

- So, the gloomy inspiration for Neji's mission was a documentary I watched in my psychology class entitled "Beyond the Call" by Adrian Belic. It's an extremely deep, heartfelt film, but it's also definitely depressing as hell. The three men it follows are fascinating, and at times funny just with the way they talk and their personal hobbies, but the major content is extremely grave. I'd definitely recommend it to everyone who can stomach seeing a few corpses and deformed or emaciated infants.

Mamoru: Boy's name, "protector" (father)

Junko: Girl's name, "pure child" (mother)

Amaya: Girl's name, "night rain" (eight years old)

Kichirou: Boy's name, "lucky son" (five years old)

Kiku: Girl's name, "chrysanthemum" (dead baby)

Kiku is based after a baby from the documentary that made me feel sick and horrified looking at it. That baby was alive, though, and in one piece-- just barely. It didn't even look human, it was so awful.

- Futabatei Shimei: The author of Ukigumo, © 1887 - 1889; the first modern Japanese novel in both subject and style. The title is most literally "Floating Cloud" (uki = floating, like ukiyo-e print blocks) but the English translation called it "Drifting Cloud" instead, and I've also seen (for some reason) "Moving Cloud." The story doesn't really have anything to do with this fic; I just wanted to use that one line. XD It really stood out to me, and when I read it, for some reason I just pictured Neji quoting it all soft and sad while arranging some chrysanthemums in a vase. That's kind of where this fic started, I guess.

There is one more reference to the mums coming up, but that won't be for a few more chapters.

- Just for some reference if anybody's unsure of what time this is, it's near the end of November. Chapter one was mid-July, two was three days later, three and four were mid-August, five was the very end of August, six was the end of October, and it's been a month now, so end of November.
- 6
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Chrysanthemum