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Love Me When I'm Gone	By : KittenCobra Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1971 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

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61. Unending Night
I lie back against the stone chair Sakura has created for me with her fists and can feel the coldness of the night beginning to seep into my skin. I haven’t spoken in two days; not since I lost sight of Gaara. I have continued to eat, but I can’t taste anything anymore. We’ve stayed on the run, with Naruto and Sakura taking turns carrying my ridiculous weight. They decided to head north, away from both villages, because Gaara would expect us to run to Konoha. If he chases us, he’ll go there first. North is the last place he would expect us to move, because we’re headed towards Iwa land. Our course is a dangerous one. Now, I simply sit with unfocused eyes and wait.
“Mizuke,” Sakura says, coming over and wrapping a small blanket around my shoulders, “How are you feeling?”
How am I feeling? I think bitterly.
I have all of my thoughts and feelings shielded from all of them. This pain is my own – my fault – and I do not want them to share it with me. I have forced myself into a state of emotional numbness, emptiness. If I try to emerge from it, I begin screaming again. Naruto was about to tear his hair out at the roots before I stopped. The entire small group of shinobi is heartbroken for me, and for Gaara, but they continue on with their assignment. I have to do the same. I cannot have peace until the babies are born. Then I can die and my pain will finally end.
The fear and anger coming from the babies is extreme, and hasn’t dimmed since we left Suna. I don’t have to maintain my illusion anymore, so I am using the energy I have to shield their emotions from my own mind. I have enough pain – I cannot bear theirs on top of it. I wish I could comfort them, but it’s beyond me. I wouldn’t even know how if I could.
“Mizuke,” Sakura tries again, rubbing my arms for me to try and warm me. “I need you to hold on, okay? I know this is very hard, but we’re not finished yet. These kids still need you.”
I don’t bother to look at her. I simply stare without seeing out into the desert.
“Awww… she’s going to be alright,” Temari’s tone falls short of playful. “Isn’t that right, Mizuke? She just needs a little time, that’s all.”
Temari sits down on my other side and leans against my stone chair. She and Shikamaru have been off talking for some time now. I don’t bother trying to see what about. I have no interest in anyone’s thoughts anymore. I just want silence. I keep feeling the overwhelming need to search out Gaara’s mind, to find out if he’s alright – but the terror of what I’d find holds me back.
“For what it’s worth,” Sakura says gently, “I think what you’re doing for Gaara is beautiful.”
Am I doing this for Gaara? I wonder. He’d probably never thank me for it.
“I know it doesn’t seem like it right now,” she continues, “but one day… I truly believe he’ll thank you for this sacrifice.”
All I can see is Gaara’s twisted smile, the hatred and rage that burned within it. He believes I have betrayed him, betrayed his love.
“You know…” Temari whispers. “I hope you’re right Sakura. I don’t mind being Mom to these little guys, but I think being with them would be good for Gaara. I think it would be good for him to have a piece of you – to have something to hold onto.”
“You know it’s funny you say that,” Sakura says, turning to Temari. “I remember the first time I saw Mizuke. Jiraiya was being a pervert and trying to provoke Gaara. He actually suggested that Naruto be lent out to Mizuke, like some kind of formal boy toy!” She laughs and holds her sides. “Naruto looked so freaked, but he really panicked when Gaara got angry. I remember something about that moment that shocked me. Mizuke took her hand and gently touched the side of Gaara’s face. It was like watching him thaw… with that one little touch, she revealed a part of him I didn’t even believe existed. No offense Temari, but I’d never seen anything but death from your brother before.”
“Most people haven’t,” Temari mumbles.
“When Mizuke touched him, it was like a fundamental part of him was exposed,” Sakura turns her face to the ground with grief in her eyes. “I remember when I wished I could do that for a friend of mine. His name is Sasuke. He was stupid, and let himself believe that his entire purpose in life was revenge. I tried to pull him back, but… he didn’t want me. I sometimes wish that I had a touch like yours Mizuke – that I could have pulled him back from the darkness before it was too late.”
I want to contradict her but I still can’t bring myself to speak. I don’t have some kind of magic touch. Gaara had just never really been touched before, not in a way that really mattered. I was just the first person willing to risk it. My heart aches to think that if I had left him alone, he would still be the powerful leader of Suna. He would still be carrying on for his people. Without our love, however, these babies would not exist. So in the end, I guess it was worth it.
“Do you remember what you told the people of Suna on your wedding day?” Temari asks. “You said… more than anything, you wanted history to remember that Gaara was loved. I think… I think you’ve gotten your wish. You’ve changed my brother in the eyes of his people. He’s not just some scary kid anymore or a powerful shinobi. They have seen him with you. They saw him fight for you and mourn for you. They see him… more like a real person now. They know he is capable of a love just as powerful as he is. I never believed in all my life that I would live to see that.”
I want her words to be true. I want everyone to remember him as the man I loved, the man I would die for – to bring his children into the world. This is the only gift I have left to give, and it breaks my heart to think he could throw it away.
“I’m going to be honest with you, Mizuke,” Temari says, turning to stare at me intently. I don’t meet her eyes. “I’m going to give Gaara another chance.”
I turn to look at her now, meeting her eyes for the first time. I hold a warning in my own.
“I’m going to wait until after they’re born,” she continues, “and I won’t bring them to him directly. But I think he deserves another chance. He was really upset before, but I can’t really blame him. I know how bad I freaked when you told me, and it was way worse for him. Who knows… maybe they’ll look like you. Maybe he won’t be able to resist them once he can see their faces.”
I can feel a tear creep down my cheek slowly.
“I pray that you’re right,” I whisper for the first time. Sakura and Temari both stiffen slightly at the fact that I’m finally responding. “When I see them in my mind… I’ve always pictured them looking just like him – with bright jade eyes and crimson hair. But now… I can only ask the heavens that I’m wrong. I pray that they’re tiny copies of me. That somehow… it would be impossible for him to see them and not love them. That his hatred would not destroy their best chance to feel their father’s love.”
I turn away from them and stare back out into the desert.
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A week later we’re still traveling through the open spaces between villages. We never stay in place for very long. Shikamaru believes it will be more difficult for Gaara to track us if we stay on the move, and change direction frequently. We’re also walking now, instead of running. This prevents anyone from having to carry me, and Sakura says it will help me get my strength back up for the birth. All of my effort so far will be pointless if I’m not strong enough to deliver them.
I have decided to stay outside of any village. I do not expect to survive the birth, so the medical facilities are less necessary. Besides, I expect the birth itself to draw too much attention. It is likely to be very traumatic. The babies are still distressed – but in a more resigned way. I feel sadness from them now and I block it even more than before. It only compounds my own grief.
Naruto pointed out to me this morning that I still need to pick names for the children. It seems like such a basic thing, I was surprised I’d overlooked it. I suppose I had put it in the category of things I had no right to – since I was leaving them. But now, I realize that is a mistake. A name can have serious meaning and impact on a child’s life – especially because it was given by your mother. A name may be the only thing they get from me other than their lives. I’ve been thinking about it all day, and it’s helped pull me from my melancholy slightly. Other than my brief exchange with Temari about hoping the children take after me I’m still not speaking; mostly, because the effort doesn’t feel worth it.
Naruto strolls up to me now with his arms thrown behind his head. He’s trying – and failing – to appear casual about the whole thing. I don’t have to read his mind to know what he’s thinking. Naruto doesn’t like silence and he’s trying to get me to talk. This, however, is worth talking about.
“Have you thought of any names for them?” he asks loudly. I can feel tension pour through the whole group as they wait to see if I respond.
Yes. I answer them all mentally.
Naruto looks disappointed that I didn’t use my voice, but I feel relief from him anyway.
“Come on!” he shouts suddenly. “Tell us some of them! Please?!”
Well… I’ve decided to come up with two girl names and two boy names.
“How come?” he asks in confusion.
I only THINK they’re two boys, I admit. I could be wrong. I have no way of knowing for sure. Their minds aren’t exactly true windows into what they are on the outside.
“Hmmmm….” Naruto scratches his head, “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. So which ones are you thinking about?”
Well… there are several girl names that I like. Aiko would mean child of love or affection. I also like Chika because I think it means ‘near and dear’. Then there’s Mikazuki. I like that one because it’s kinda like my name. My name means beautiful moon, but Mikazuki means new moon. I like that idea. Lastly, there’s Shizuko, which means quiet child. Oh! And Kaiko means child of forgiveness.
“Whoa…” Naruto mumbles. “They’re all pretty names. What about the boy names?”
The boy names are harder… I admit. Boys probably won’t like pretty names. I really like Katsurou. It’s kinda like Kankuro’s name, and it means son of victory. Katsutoshi is an interesting name… it means ‘to win cleverly’. Akemi means dawn of beauty. Ren could be used for a boy or a girl, and it means love. And Yasuo means tranquil or calm.
“It sounds like you’re trying to name them based on their personalities,” Shikamaru observes from the back. “That’s a cool idea. It would highlight the fact that you knew them, even before their birth.”
I like the idea of that tremendously, so I put more thought into it. I know one of them is extremely affectionate. The other is more distant, but calm and quiet. He also seems to want to be in charge. The idea makes me grin.
One of them is really, really affectionate and loving. I try to explain to them. He or she… doesn’t seem to hold back that part of themselves. They’re the one that’s always afraid when Gaara is gone. I think if it’s a girl, I’d like to name her Aiko for her love and affection. If it’s a boy… I feel like I should name him Katsutoshi. That’s the one that means ‘to win cleverly’. I’m pretty sure he’s the one who pulled me from the dark. Someone please promise to tell him that. He saved us all.
“I’ll tell him all the time, Mizuke,” Temari promises. “He’ll know.”
“What about the other one?” Naruto asks, getting excited.
Well… I try to think of how to explain it right. He reminds me much more of Gaara. He’s very quiet. I mean… ugh… they don’t really speak. It’s more like… he’s reserved somehow. He pulls back when I get too close. He seems more direct, too. He’s the one who gets angry when Gaara is not with us. He’s also the one who alerted me to Gaara’s anger when I was still in the coma.
“Hmmm….” Sakura thinks aloud. “If that one’s a girl, I think you should call her Chika then, since she mirrors Gaara who is ‘near and dear’ to you.”
“I disagree,” Temari says. “I think you should name her Mikazuki. I like the whole new moon thing. I think Gaara would like that a lot.”
Hmmm… I’ll have to think about that some more then, I reply. If it’s a boy, though, I think I’ll definitely have to go with Yasuo. It would suit him better I think.
“Man… this is gonna be hard,” Naruto suddenly blurts out. “How are we going to be able to tell them apart when their born?”
That’s a very good question… and I have no answer. I would be able to tell them apart, but no one else in the group can read minds like I can.
I’ll just have to try and stay alive long enough to tell you, I finally say. If I can’t… I guess just give it a few days and see if their temperament becomes more obvious. Then give them the names that match.
My conclusion sobers the group again from the happy thoughts of baby names. No matter what I do, it always boils down to staying alive as long as I can, but planning for my death. I have quite a few weeks left to build up my strength before the end, but whenever it comes – it will be quick and painful. It’s depressing.
As I continue to plod along with Naruto and Sakura at my sides, I begin feeling stiffness in my back. I put my hand back there and rub in small circles trying to get the ache to fade away, but after about an hour I am beginning to get truly irritated. It just won’t leave, and seems to be growing in strength instead of fading.
Great! I think to myself. As if things weren’t bad enough.
“I think we should stop and take a rest,” Sakura says, turning and walking backwards so she can talk to the whole group.
“But Sakura…” Naruto complains, “We just got moving again! We’ve barely been walking for an hour since we stopped for lunch.”
“I didn’t ask for your opinion Naruto!” she shouts at him in anger, but I can feel something else from her – concern.
“Alright…” Shikamaru sighs, “Let’s find a good place to settle then. I think we should use the shelter of those cliffs.”
He points off into the distance about one half mile to the left of us. I can see the cliffs he’s talking about. They’re huge barren stone walls, but they seem to have some kind of small cave system at their base. There appears to be a small waterfall off to one side.
“Perfect!” Sakura says in an almost whisper.
The tension I feel radiating from her concerns me, so I decide to open my mind to her thoughts.
If we can get to those caves… perhaps I can get Mizuke to let me check her. I don’t want her to worry, but we can’t keep pushing her like this if she’s already having symptoms.
Symptoms of what? I ask her, and she jumps in surprise. She had become used to me avoiding thoughts and wasn’t expecting me to be scanning her.
Ummm… she hedges, but knows I can find out easily no matter what she says. I’m concerned your body may be trying to go into labor prematurely. If that’s the case, we actually need to find a place to stop – maybe permanently. If we keep moving, it could make it progress faster, which would be a big problem.
Labor?! I reply in shock. What are you talking about?
You’ve been rubbing your back for well over an hour now. She explains. Is the pain increasing?
Well, yes, I admit. It was just an ache at first, but it’s getting pretty bad. It feels like the whole thing is going stiff and…
Suddenly, all the muscles in my abdomen cramp down tight. It’s like having a charley-horse in my stomach and the babies tumble in surprise. I clutch my hands on my sides, trying to breathe through the pressure. I stumble, and Sakura catches me under the arms. She helps me kneel down gently until the pressure disappears just as suddenly. I look up into her eyes in panic.
“Oh my God,” I whisper as the entire group is holds their breath. “Was that a contraction?”
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Love Me When I'm Gone

61. Unending Night