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Naruto Shit-On-You-Then: The Curse Evolves	By : c0p13r Category: Naruto > General Views: 33163 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own 'Naruto' and I make no money off this fic

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Once more, fellow readers, I bid you welcome with a finger in my ass. Today, we’ll learn all about racism in the past… because Hashirama was as racist as the sun is bright! And if you wanna watch me write for free, fuck you! Pay me! Give me money to watch me write… We can enjoy watching ‘The King and I’ cartoon ironically together. The fuck is it about that movie that’s so addicting to me? Anyway… racism!
~~~
Thrown under the bus? Konoha’s Way!
~~~
            “I don’t know what to do, Hinata,” Naruto confesses across the table. His wife sits on the other side, sipping idly at her tea. “Iruka-sensei wants me to oppose Sasuke… I mean, Sasy-chan. But Sasy-chan is a better lover; even better than my right hand when you fail to satisfy me in bed.”
            Hinata smiles lovingly at him and nods.
            “I cannot choose between my lover and my molester, Hina-chan! I cannot! Do you believe it?”
            “I-I duh-duh-d-do bel-l-lieve i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it,” Hinata says with the best non-stutter she’s had in all recent stories posted… … … Oh yes, copier did! “Bu-but, um… Na-Na-…” This goes on for a while. Knowing this, Naruto takes a timeout to take a shit while his wife struggles to complete his name. Finally: “Naruto-ku-ku-ku…” A shower is taken in the time she wastes. “-kun, maybe yo-you should-should ask Tsu-chan wh-what she th-thinks of the situation. She mi-might have an answer, or a clue for y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y…”
            Naruto slams his fist on the table, enraptured by Hinata’s idea. “Out with it, woman!”
            “-y-y-you,” she finishes, and then smiles, pleased with herself.
            Now hearing the fullness of her idea, Naruto pauses in pondermenteration. “That’s a good idea, dattebayo it! When did you get so smart?” he says, rubbing her head with adoration in his eyes.
            “You haven’t been home lately,” Hinata says, still smiling proudly. “I think the brain damage is finally starting to recover.”
            Naruto nods with his smile and wallops her so hard, one of her front teeth breaks in half. One eye drifts upwards, the other crosses to stare at her nose. “I luvftzz ewe, Naru-chan,” she slurs around the blood in her mouth.
~~~
            “What? You think I have time to regale you with what I think of the war between Sasuke…”
            “It’s Sasy-chan now,” Naruto corrects Tsunade.
            “Oh. How SUPER KAWAII~,” she admits before carrying on. “The war brewing between Sasy-chan and Iruka is irrelevant. Currently, we’re dealing with all the minor problems, like backed-up toilets… namely my backed-up toilets. And backed-up pipes… namely my backed-up pipes!
            “Please, Granny-baa-chan!” begs Naruto. “Give me some wisdom so when I become Hokage, I’ll know how to handle the conflict between two people I love!”
            Tsunade sighs. “Your story… It sounds a very lot like my grandfather’s. Very well. I will tell you the story of the First Hokage.”
            “Um… Actually, I’ve heard it before… and it wasn’t impressive.” Naruto thinks briefly, and then adds, “More gay and boring than strictly unimpressive.”
            “Well, I’ll tell it to you anyway! And you just might learn something, you turd!” Tsunade bends to one side, lets out a fart, and then settles in for the long haul. “It starts with the council that formed the Five Great Nations.”
~~~
            “Okay, you and your charming people belong right…” The hand moved over the map, charting a course already planned until it met the shitty, dead lands of stone. “Here. Here is just perfect for you all!” Hashirama folded his arms and nodded at his decision.
            The big-nosed man who would become the First Tsuchikage frowned at Hashirama’s choice. “Hey, why do you want us there, huh?” he asked in his nasally, whiney voice. “It’s full of boulders and rocks and such. I can’t handle that. Oy.”
            “But don’t you see? There, you can live in the canyons and eat all the bagels and coleslaw and shitty humus you want!” Hashirama patted the man on the back, ushering him on his way to lead his people to the dead lands.
            His brother Tobirama stared hard at him. “Brother, why did you send them there? Such inhospitable lands will breed hostility towards us.” He pointed at the map. “We have all of this…”
            “If they stayed,” Hashirama interrupted, “where would they put all the pyramids their people are so fond of making? And we would have no need of ghettos in the Village Pooping in the Leaves! It’s the very same reason I sent to turban wearers to the desert! Now who cares what they will blow up in the name of their religion? It’s the desert! Ahh~ the shitty, shitty desert.” Ignoring his brother’s flabbergasted face, he welcomed the next ambassador and encouraged them and their squinty-eyed people to take the coast where they could hunt and kill all the whales and sharks for their tasteless foods as much as they wanted. “Just be sure not to drive there,” Hashirama joked after them. “Also, don’t bomb whatever fleet you have in the harbor; it’s probably yours. Gahahahaha!”
            Tobirama cringed at his brother’s uncouth behavior, yet bit back his tongue. But when the final group of people stood before him – led by the one to become First Raikage – Tobirama peed a little in his pants. Just hearing Hashirama’s sound of awe as he sized up the opposition was more than just a precursor to what would no doubt become the most fearsome of rivalries and hatreds.
            “Wow, they sure breed you folks big, don’t they?” Hashirama said with a beaming smile. He walked around the table between them and nudged the broad, black man in the ribs. “Is there a secret about fried chicken and Kool-aid you’re not telling us?”
            Tobirama’s face fell into his hands, and he sobbed a little.
            “Hashirama, I don’t like that we have to take orders from you, but since you defeated Madara or something… copier’s a little fuzzy on these events… but we listen to you this one time. Where can we call home?” asked the First Raikage-to-be.
            “Well, good thing I didn’t save the coast for last. Otherwise, you people wouldn’t last very long, would you? Gahahahaha!”
            “Dammit, Brother,” whimpered Tobirama.
            Ignoring Hashirama’s lack of etiquette, the Raikage pushed his finger onto the map, a portion of green that had already been sketched as part of Konoha. “How about this? It’s not much, but the land here is fertile, and my people can thrive…”
            “Now, now,” Hashirama interjected sternly, as if he was addressing a child. “That land’s already been claimed. Now I know you see this place and all you can think of is building your homes in the trees or bush…”
            “Fucking shit, Brother…!”
            “We can’t have you guys suckling the teats of my people’s border! Ha! Why don’t I just invite you in for some cornbread before plowing my white wife?”
            The Raikage looked at Tobirama, and Tobirama looked away like a pussy. He peed a little more…
            “It’s just… best if we don’t…” Hashirama gestured with his hands, going back and forth between him and the black man. “Intermingle. Big guys like you would scare everyone back into their houses. And what about property value? There we are, white picket fence houses, and then your yard, all unattended without a single Mexican to hedge your bushes!”
            Tobirama clutched at his stomach before vomiting from the fear.
            “No. I’ve thought long and hard about this… after giving away all the other lands.” Hashirama’s finger finds the only bit of land not yet claimed by anyone else in his dictatorship segregation of people. “You and your dark-skinned kin certainly belong here! You’ve found a home! And with not a single shackle or chain in sight, though putting them on has always been a choice for you all! And none of us will be bothered by you people talking up the ‘Black Panther’ movie when it was mediocre at best.”
            The Raikage looked unpleased. “What are we supposed to do in these mountainous peaks? What about game and drink? How will we survive?”
            “Bunch of caves,” Hashirama waved off the dilemma. “Doesn’t hurt barbequing or deep-frying one bit. And, when you play your hiphop at full blast, it’ll carry throughout the caves so everyone but me can hear it!” The Hokage was seeming pretty pleased with himself.
            “Barbeque indoors can be fatal,” the Raikage grumbled in reply.
            Again, Hashirama was undaunted by the problem. “Well, weigh that against your ribs, homie.”
            The Raikage glared, and Hashirama stared back. A stalemate of sorts until Hashirama leaned to his brother for council. “Does he look like an angry gorilla to you?”
            “Brother,” Tobirama whimpered, ghost-faced.
            “I mean, they look like gorillas,” Hashirama went on heedlessly, his hushed voice still clearly audible to the Raikage standing just a few feet away. “I just forget how they look angry. Smiling to them is weakness and stuff. … … Do you maybe have a banana?”
            “Brother, for God’s sake…”
            “Stifle yourself!” Hashirama advised, slapping a hand over Tobirama’s mouth. H leaned in close, his gaze dead and ominous. “They don’t have a god. What they worship is voodoo and chicken bones and witchdoctors. Mention our Holy and Triune God to these heathens, and they’ll cook us in gumbo. So get me some chicken bones to throw at them! If the curse doesn’t scare them away, maybe they’ll get distracted and think that there’s some fried chicken left over. Oh no. What if they start a riot?”
            Hashirama returned then to the Raikage and laughs, trying to put everyone in a good mood and failing. “So, you gon’ take this here OG ‘hood, my homie? Or we gots ta haggle more to satisfy ya?” His posture was outwardly offensive, to think he could pull off the crossed-arms lean.
            “We will not forget this, Hashirama,” the Raikage answered, begrudgingly accepting the mountains as their new home.
            “If you’re looking for reparations, you’ll get none from me! Keep in mind that it was a choice! You chose to do the work and wear the chains. Off to the mountains with you people.” He waved the Kumo clan away with an arrogant air, and they left with hatred in their eyes.
            “Six people to a hotel room,” Hashirama quickly added. “Just keep that in mind before y’all throw down one of your parties.” Alone with his brother, Hashirama scowled and gestured to the absent Raikage. “The nerve of that guy, wanting to get some land in Konoha. That place was almost a little bit close to where I got pussy for the first time. Do I need a precious memory of mother tainted by their shacks, break dances, and complaints about the justice system and BLM?”
            “You got rid of them all,” Tobirama said mournfully, shaking his head with disbelief.
            “Hmm. I see your point. We should’ve started a cotton plantation where he wanted to live and keep a few of them on as helping hands. Uh, obviously at a discounted fee.” Hashirama shared a long moment of awkward silence with his brother, and then said, “We’d own them as slaves.”
~~~Years begin to pass~~~
            Years began to pass, and Hashirama had been so sure that Konoha would thrive where the other villages failed from either suicide bombings, starvation and being overwork, senpaku from not catching enough fish to ‘bring honor to their famaries’, or just regressing to a monkey-like living in the mountains. Instead, Konoha was plummeting in living and everyone else was making a true life for their people. And of course, Hashirama couldn’t have that.
            “Those sandies!” He hit the desk with his fist. “They think they can keep the oil deposits they found in the desert and not give them to me?! Who do those sandies think gave them that shitty desert?! What does material possession matter to them anyway? I thought their greatest joy was blowing themselves up for forty virgins… and for my amusement!”
            “Sandies.” Tobirama spoke the name allowed, and it immediately left a bad taste in his mouth. “It doesn’t sound like a term for civilized people.”
            “They are aptly coded.” Hashirama yelled as he came to another form, this one from the Rock Village stating that their discovered gold mine would not share its wealth with Konoha. “Now the crucifying pyramid builders are Jewing me out of gold! The fuck is their problem?! And after I sent them a coupon for Konoha’s expired pork stock! Ungrateful big-noses.”
            “Brother, please. These terms you use; they’re so unnecessary.”
            “Unnecessary? I’ll tell you what’s unnecessary!” Hashirama waved a scroll that had the insignia for the Mist Village. “These squinty riceball eaters! What do I have to do? Turn my back on them and let them bomb my navy unprovoked before they start sucking my asshole again? And then there’s the Kumo. Lazy, good-for-nothings, trying to get welfare from me while spending it on lottery tickets!”
            One more time, Tobirama began to weep from his sibling’s sincere slander.
            “Could you imagine if we had to deal with Mexicans too?! By God! Luckily, my bestest friend in the world is taking care of them, rounding them up and putting them in cages where they belong, instead of hustling the system, always pretending they can’t speak English to get sympathy from white people who don’t live in Mexican neighborhoods, playing their loud music everywhere they go, from the beach to sleeping campgrounds to Denny’s!”
            Finishing his rant with the word ‘Beaners!’, Hashirama began to enact his Final Solution: to import cocaine and meth to the Kumo along with their natural enemy: an American police force!; opium to the Mist since they were Chinesey looking; non-kosher foods to the Iwa to starve them out; and to Suna were sent hand grenades, for Hashirama was certain that they entire population would jump at the chance to commit Jihad.
            The plan, of course, backfired, and now Hashirama found himself in front of all nations at the gallows with a noose around his neck. Next to him, also set for execution was his little brother. Tobirama asked why he was being put to death, and the answer was: “You were a white person in the vicinity of racism, but didn’t stand up for another race.” Tobirama cried and said that he was Japanese; no one cared for those facts.
            “Guess the Kumo aren’t the only ones gonna be swinging from a tree tonight,” Hashirama muttered.
            “Grandfather! For the love of God, you’re being hanged for being so racist!” Tsunade screamed from the crowd. “You’re about to die! At least show some contrition!
            “And let the natives win?!” Hashirama shouted back defensively. “Over my pure body! And why aren’t you up here? They said they wanted to exterminate the Senju bloodline to eradicate our pure, incestuous line!”
            “The Kumo agreed to spare me if I allowed them to gangbang me.”
            “You honkey ho!”
            Mifune stepped forward as representative of the ninja nations. “Hashirama, you stand accused of being a meanie with words. You are sentenced to death by hanging.”
            “Shut up, Apu! Go set yourself on fire as a non-violent protest; give us a good laugh! Or a stale hotdog from your 7-Eleven gas station!”
            The gathered crowd groaned at how blatant and unfiltered the revered Hokage was with his feelings towards all races. Mifune, flushed, remarked on how he was not Indian. “You’re wearing a turban, and that’s all I need to know you pray to cow gods,” Hashirama scoffed, turning his nose up and away.
            “They’re bandages to hide my exposed brain!” Mifune screamed, tears welling up. “How dare you call yourself a leader of the Village Pooping in the Leaves?!”
            “Now that you’re all safe,” Hashirama shot back, “you seem to forget the sacrifices I made to defeat Madara!”
            “You just threatened not to give him handjobs anymore!” someone shouted back from the crowd.
            “And I am very proud to have lasted almost two hours to back up that threat!” Hashirama retorted, unabashed of his homosexual, whorish tendencies.
            A man stepped behind him, ready to kick the barrel out from beneath him and let the noose do the dirty business. But before that life-ending second, Hashirama gave his final words: “Doing me like a nigger.”
~~~
            “And to this day,” Tsunade finishes the flashback, “the words ‘They done did me like a n-word’ are etched on his grave stone. No one knows if it was his vengeful spirit or some punkass kid fucking around in the cemetery who did it, but what we do know… is Tobirama lived to become the Second Hokage… two seconds before his barrel was kicked out beneath him. But his neck didn’t break, so he hanged there for fifteen minutes before we reset him to try again. On the third try, a boy suggested we tie his neck to one horse and his legs to another to break his neck. The results were… unexpected. He had a very strong neck, so he was actually ripped apart at the middle. It took a good two hours for him to finally be pronounced dead. And the boy who suggested the horses? He became the Third Hokage. Now how’s that for a bedtime story?”
            Naruto, now in bed with the blankets pulled up to his chin, trembles under the covers. “I came to you to ask for advice on who’s butt I should suck: my rapist or my molester!”
            “Obviously, you haven’t been listening,” Tsunade says, wagging her finger at him. “We don’t have many problems in Konoha because we always know to just throw one person under the bus. Just pick one person to forsake, and everything will turn out all right.”
            Naruto perks up and nods. “That’s the Konoha way! Believe it!”
            “Glad you learned something, you dick-tucking queer. Now get out of here. We have hundreds…”
            “Tsunad-chan-sama,” Shizune yells as she bursts in. “Aiyee! There has been another child molestation! That brings the tally up to two-thousand cases of child molestations!”
            Tsunade amends her interrupted statement. “We have thousands of children being molested, and goddamn if we can’t find the culprit! Shizune, tell Iruk-chan to get on top of this! These children are in his care! He should be able to prevent some molester from molesting them!”
            “Aiyee!” Shizune acknowledges with a salute.
~~~Meanwhile, in a cave of men transformed into women~~~
            Sasuke is currently plowing the two most irrelevant villains of ‘NARUTO’: Kabuto and Orochimaru. Both were so wretched and pathetic for every plot point, and Sasuke graces them just by adding them to the hordes of man-whores now in his employ! And after plowing their buttholes and hidden penises, Sasuke makes the most yummy of ramen dishes.
            Orochimaru, ambiguous in gender to begin with, leans over the counter as Sasuke cooks. “My, my, Sasy-chan-kun. I wonder if you are aware of Iruk-chan’s plans.”
            Sasuke does not look up. “What plans?”
            “For someone balls deep in the pulse of Konoha, you failed to find out about the revolt. Apparently, not everyone wants you to turn men into girls and then fork them to impregnation.” Orochimaru giggles and farts with his vagina.
            “Then I now form a clan, a new clan with one purpose. And we will be called… The Sasugays.” The ramen spills when Sasuke pivots, glaring. “Just what does that pedo think he can do to stop me? And who dares not want me to sex their transformed penis hole?”
~~~Back in the Village Pooping in the Leaves~~~
            “We all have wieners, and we all know how to use them.” Iruka pounds a staff on the ground as a show of passion. “We may not be many, but we will be the ones to defeat Sasuke and his trannies!”
            “We can do it!” declares Guy, pumping his fist while confined to a wheelchair. “The Springtime of Youth is the time to try new things, even scary and confusing things! I taught Lee this until he was red in the face!... and butt!”
            Shino nods. “Why? Because the smoothness of a boy’s rear opposed to the gruff hairiness of a man’s is more enticing.” There are grumbles of agreement from fellow pedophiles. Altogether, there is no more than six: Guy, Shino, Iruka, Lee, Sai, and Choza.
            “But we are still so few,” Sai remarks calmly. “Sasy-chan can pick us off easily if he finds out who we are.”
            “I have sent our best men/boys to handle Sasuke’s forces. They have the skill and strategy to hold of the transsexuals. But yes, Sasuke alone, with his new name, does pose a threat to all of us.”
            Choza clutches his own staff. “Forgive me. If only I spawned more piglets than just the four.”
            “You still have me, Father.”
            All heads turn, and walking in like a hero, Choji stands with the pedophiles. He beams at his dad. “I am hear, even if my three siblings were butchered and eaten like luau pigs. And I want to see this cause succeed.”
            “We do it… for Naruto,” says Iruka, letting his intentions known. He bows his head, fighting back and losing the battle with his emotions and tears. “I know… that it is selfish to just want to save the boy I love, and you all have so many other little boys you’d like to molest, but please! Lend me your strength to stop Sasuke’s reign of sexual confusion! We know who we are! We know what we want! And from this day forward, we will be known as… the Narutards!”
            Choza walks to Choji after the speech. “You’ve made me proud, my son/boy lover.”
            Choji wordlessly nods, and then he lifts his shirt so that his father may suckle his luscious udders.
            As father and son bond, Sai asks Iruka, “How do you plan to defeat Sasuke, though? His SUPER KAWAII~ name, Sasy-chan, is just too… well… SUPER KAWAII~.”
            Iruka sits down, a sad smile taking his features. “I think I can come up with… an even cuter name. ”
~~~
What is Iruka’s plan? How can he possible combat Sasuke’s adorable Sasy-chan name? Will he make the SasuGay crumble and write a Naruto/Harem story that is nothing more than a Sasugay sucking the assholes of Narutards? And what about Sasuke’s dick? His long, glorious dick, so magnificent in length, shape and splendor? Rapture before it. Oh, it is such a great dick; one that produces gallons of thick, sumptuous cum. Rub-a-dub-dub, bring him to my tub! God, that wonderful cock, larger than a man’s fullest erection while soft. Veins, lining its underside. Head, swollen and beading with the excitement of sex. How could any man not want to put his penis inside out to let Sasuke fork them? Ughn… I’m cumming…! Oh god, I’m cumming! I’m gonna cum inside! Please? Just this once! I’ll get Plan B! Please please please?! Dammit…! Ugn…! Sorry… Oh my god… fuck… Yeah, yeah, I’ll grab the tissue. Whew… Ah, shit, the kids are knocking… Every time.
Next time: the war of the SasuGays and Narutards begins!
- 5
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- 7
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Naruto Shit-On-You-Then: The Curse Evolves