Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Captured Heart	By : MisatosPenPen Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male > Kakashi/Sasuke Views: 5997 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Captured Heart
- 2-Two
- 3-Three
- 4-Chapter 4
- 5-Iruka
- 6-Monotony
- 7-Flight
- 8-Chapter 8
- 5
- 6
- 7
Pounding. On. The door. Kakashi growled and forced himself out of bed. He rubbed his hair, grabbed his robe, and grabbed a scarf to wrap around his lower face. He scowled as he opened the door, which was still being pounded on. Naruto.
“Ehhhhh!!!! Kakashi-sensei! What are you doing here?”
“Sleeping.”
“Where’s Iruka-sensei?”
“Probably at the academy. Working.”
“But why are you here?”
“I live here.”
“Since when?”
“I’m really not in the mood to deal with you right now. Come back when Iruka gets home.”
He shut the door on a sputtering Naruto and went back to bed.
-----
All the kids had gone home; Iruka was grading papers alone.
It seemed every class had a Naruto; just a variable degree of Naruto. Iruka figured he was the Naruto of his graduating class: the clown who just wanted attention. At least Eishun wasn’t as ambitious as Naruto in the prank department and could write more than his name on a paper. It wasn’t a paper on the fundamentals of stealth, but a fanciful vision of what life as a ninja would be like. Iruka sighed and gave him a D since he did include the use of a camouflage jutsu.
“Iruka-sensei!!!” Naruto burst through the window.
“Oh, Naruto, how are you?”
“What’s Kakashi-sensei doing at your place?”
“Oh. Um.” Iruka could feel his entire face turning red. “We’re sort of dating.”
“Eh!!!!!!!”
“I made him move in with me because his place is so small and barren.”
“You’re dating? I had no idea either of you were gay.” There was no judgment in Naruto’s comment.
Iruka blushed a deep shade of crimson. “Well, I didn’t know Kakashi was until recently. Sorry, Naruto, but I have to finish grading these papers. Wait. How did you know about Kakashi?”
“I went over to your place and he was there.”
“You woke him?”
“Yeah. He wasn’t happy.”
Iruka groaned. “I have to finish these papers. We’ll have a meal together soon.”
“Okay. You can tell me about you and Kakashi then.”
“Yeah.”
Naruto left and Iruka sighed. Kakashi worked the nightshift at ANBU headquarters; Kakashi typically slept while Iruka was at work and Iruka made him breakfast—and himself dinner—when he got home. But Kakashi was already awake and probably having a depressing breakfast by himself.
He threw himself into grading and hurried home. Kakashi was gone when he arrived. The apartment was silent and too empty. Iruka shut the door behind him and sat on the sofa. He felt bad for Kakashi, but he too felt lonely. Even when Kakashi was there, he was lonely. Kakashi wouldn’t open up to him. Maybe that wasn’t accurate; Kakashi trusted him more than anyone else, but he wouldn’t let Iruka into his heart.
Maybe Kakashi was right: this was only going to hurt him and do nothing to help Kakashi. Iruka refused to believe he was an empty shell. He loved him too much to believe that.
-----
Routine was mind numbing. Kakashi was almost never on a routine. How on earth did people do it every day: get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, then do it all over the next day ad nauseum? He guessed for people like Iruka it was comforting. That and not being able to forget Sasuke had almost made him an alcoholic. If it wasn’t for the fact alcohol did absolutely nothing to distract him, he’d probably be shitfaced every day.
It was also maddeningly quiet in ANBU headquarters. He remembered that from his younger days, but at least there was some talking and comradery in the locker rooms. Not so in the mission rooms.
Planning missions and choosing the best ANBU for them was his job now. The very job mocked him; planning missions the likes of which he used to take.
And of course, he was always being watched. Every mission he worked on was looked over by his colleagues before leaving the room. At least they asked Kakashi to look at their own work before finishing it as if that was normal. It wasn’t.
Then there was filing away the reports of the finished missions. That was even worse. At least things were peaceful nowadays so there weren’t that many missions for ANBU, just security assignments.
If there were any mission to the Land of Windmills, they were never given to Kakashi to handle.
He returned to Konoha two months ago, been working here for one month, living with Iruka for five weeks. He’d certainly lost time while in Kazaguruma; these two months felt far longer than the four he was there.
When he was done for the night, Kakashi went down to the training grounds for four hours to train while he was still in his uniform. Then back to Iruka’s apartment for a shower and dinner.
Iruka was a lighter sleeper than Kakashi would have liked. It wasn’t worth using all his skill to come home every morning. But mornings like this, he really didn’t want to wake him.
Kakashi slipped through the dining room window and snuck into the bathroom without alerting the chunin laying in the bed mere inches from him.
He stuffed his clothes in the gap under the door to muffle the sounds of his shower. He washed stale office air as much as sweat from his body. He was regretting his decision to retire from active duty. He had lost the heart for it—he didn’t lie about that—but he did want to get out of the village. He wondered, however, if they would have let him leave the village for missions.
He knew what they all thought about him: caught in a genjutsu to serve Sasuke at the most opportune moment or a tortured and brainwashed traitor waiting for the best prize. Fuck ‘em. He did want to return to Sasuke, but he wasn’t a spy. Not this time.
Of course, he couldn’t completely disregard their theory. He had to think about it.
Sasuke had refrained from using his Sharingan, but there were other ways of manipulating one’s feelings.
Showing kindness and giving rewards to a captive was a proven way of gaining trust and building sympathy, especially after being under duress and when there was no hope of escape. Was Sasuke brainwashing him? Trying to turn him against Konoha?
But Sasuke hadn’t asked him anything else. All he asked was a confession to why he was trespassing. All the information Kakashi did give him was actually unsolicited. Sasuke hadn’t asked for a single traitorous fact.
Was he a fool? Did he cave and submit to brainwashing? Stockholm Syndrome? That thought just tore his heart apart more. How weak was he?
Which was worse: Sasuke in love with him and his own feelings real and never being able to see each other again or that he was manipulated and Sasuke lied to him about his feelings?
It might have been brainwashing if he hadn’t already cared for Sasuke. No, he was sure he loved Sasuke. The only question was if Sasuke truly loved him back or if he was lying to him. But Sasuke normally didn’t lie, didn’t have to. But he was naturally manipulative. The whole family was like that. But why? Why manipulate his feelings like this if he didn’t want him to betray Konoha? Just to hurt him? Sasuke was vengeance incarnate. But for what?
He rinsed off and got out of the shower. He glanced at his reflection as he dried. All the bruises were gone. The only mark left was the gash on his arm. He got goose bumps looking at it.
Sasuke’s warm hands gently, but firmly holding his arm still. Sasuke’s lips and tongue against the wound and inside it. The smell of blood and Sasuke’s body. That musk. That smell that was oddly warm considering everything else about Sasuke was typically cold. His hands were warm too. And his mouth. His ass.
Kakashi brought his arm up and put his mouth over the scar. He felt his own warm breath, trying to think of it as Sasuke’s. He then pressed his tongue against it. It wasn’t the same. The feeling of Sasuke’s hot tongue felt so carnal and intimate; his own tongue felt like nothing special. Just like a dog licking a wound.
He found a bandage and wrapped his arm to hide the scar. He usually wore long sleeves and when he was with Iruka, he was either in the dark or holding his arm to his torso. He knew Iruka thought he was holding himself for a sense of comfort or protection. He wanted to hide it, hide his love for the person who gave it to him. Iruka undoubtably had seen the scar, but he had no idea what it meant.
He finished drying off, hung the towel to dry, gathered his dirty clothes in the basket, and opened the door.
The smell of shampoo on the steam flowing into the room woke Iruka.
“Welcome home,” he yawned and turned on the lamp.
“You shouldn’t try to wake up this early every morning.”
“I do have to go to work in a few hours.” Iruka wiped the sleep from his eyes.
“My point exactly.”
“I saw Naruto yesterday. I’m sorry he woke you.”
“Yeah.” Even if Kakashi was still shy about his face, he stood unashamedly naked.
Iruka just woke up and yet he couldn’t help checking out the older jounin. Damn, he didn’t regret this relationship. Kakashi was beautiful. Fucking sexy. Iruka scratched at his scar making Kakashi smile at him.
That was by far the most charming action Kakashi had ever seen. Sasuke didn’t have any of those little habits or any habits at all. Not that he was able see anyway. Except going to a grave every day. Like he used to.
Kakashi crawled onto the bed. Iruka eagerly kissed back. He needed a distraction before he started wondering too hard if Sasuke had gone back to visiting his brother’s grave every day. A ritual Kakashi had stopped.
Iruka was enough of a distraction.
-----
One evening, Kakashi ran into Genma in the Hokage Tower on his way to work. Genma was startled to see him.
“I heard you got out,” Genma said.
“Yeah. Just get back from a mission?” Genma definitely looked like he came from a month-long mission.
“Yeah. We should catch up.”
“I’m on my way to ANBU. Maybe tomorrow we can get a late lunch.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Kakashi nodded to him and they went on their separate ways. That was one of the most uncomfortable meetings he’d had in a long time. If he was tainted by being captured by Sasuke, perhaps so was Genma.
-----
Iruka woke up when he sensed Kakashi return. He was silent as the devil, but Iruka had trained himself to wake up when Kakashi came home. After work, Kakashi always went to the training fields. Between his job and his training, Iruka didn’t get to see him all that much; he was happy to have this short time with him.
“Welcome home,” Iruka greeted him as he came out of the bedroom.
“Good morning,” Kakashi greeted back, unfastening his ANBU chest piece.
“I’ll make you dinner.”
Kakashi took a quick shower. He pulled on comfortable night clothes, simple pants and sleeveless shirt. He left his face bare, but his hand often ventured up to touch the exposed skin.
Kakashi got a beer from the fridge and sat on the sofa. He just stared into space as Iruka finished preparing food for them both.
Was he thinking of his lover? Or was he thinking about his torture? Iruka felt bad knowing what happened to him. It was something private and humiliating, but Iruka knew it all because he’d written Kakashi’s report for him. He knew every detail of his ordeal: the starvation, beatings, sleep deprivation, the rape.
Iruka couldn’t help it, he went over behind the sofa and put his arms around Kakashi’s neck and hugged him. “I love you, Kakashi.” He knew Kakashi wouldn’t return the sentiment. He told himself it wouldn’t bother him, but he wanted to hear it.
To his shock, Kakashi put a hand on his arm. He didn’t say anything, but the gesture meant a lot to him.
“You want to talk about it? You seem really far away.”
“I don’t want you to ever understand what happened.”
“I do understand. I heard everything.”
“No. You don’t understand. You know what happened, but you don’t understand it. He broke me. You don’t understand what that means.” Kakashi gave a rye laugh and smiled. “I was a wild stallion and Sasuke broke and gelded me. But I can’t just bow my head and happily pull the cart; I remember what I used to be.”
Iruka hugged him and nuzzled into his hair. “Do you want to make love before dinner?”
“Sorry, no.”
“It’s alright. I was just thinking of you. If there’s anything you ever want, just let me know.”
“Hai.”
Iruka kissed the unruly white hair and realized it wasn’t as perky and wild as it used to be. It was a little longer and less lively.
Iruka stood and went to finish making Kakashi’s dinner.
“I won’t need breakfast; I’m going to meet Genma for a meal before I go in tonight.”
“Oh, okay.” Iruka was happy. Kakashi hadn’t gone to see anyone after he moved in. As far as he knew, Kakashi hadn’t seen any of his friends. This will raise his spirits.
-----
Kakashi met Genma at a small restaurant they often met at ever since they and their classmates were genin. The tables didn’t give them much space between them, especially the way the two of them leaned forward.
Any ANBU worth their salt could overhear them or read their lips. But jounin at their level could communicate in ways which could not be picked up by others, even those from their own village: small signs with their fingers, slight movement of the eyes, and even the rhythm of their breathing.
“Thank you for trying to rescue me,” Kakashi said.
“Yeah, well, I was one of the few who realized how late you were returning.” If you didn’t come back soon, they were going to send an assassin to make sure you wouldn’t break.
“Sasuke told me about it,” Kakashi said. “He said you were caught but he wasn’t going to bother with you and just release you after a day to prevent an international incident. He vaguely remembered you; called you the ‘one who was always chewing on a senbon’.” Do they think he influenced you?
“Had a nice little stay in an outpost cell.” They suspect it. I’m being watched.
Me too. “I got the grand suite.” They tested me for genjutsu and found nothing.
“And the royal treatment from what I gathered.” I was tested too. Nothing.
“Yeah. Who knew I could have trained such a sadist?”
“He wasn’t your fault. It was probably Orochimaru.”
“I think you’re right.” Were they really preparing to send an assassin?
“I’m glad you were able to escape.” Yes. It wasn’t me though.
“I did as much as I could to rebuild my strength. Got out as soon as I could.” I would hope not. They know we’re friends; that would be cruel to both of us.
“I don’t even want to know what he put you through.”
“No, you don’t. Poor Iruka had to hear about it though. I didn’t want to write a report.”
Genma winced. “I feel worse for Iruka.”
Kakashi gave a small smile. “I might have shocked him.” I believe you weren’t influenced; I wasn’t.
“Careful with him. Iruka’s a good man.” Thanks. I believe in you too.
“He is. I tried to warn him away.” Did you even meet him?
“I hear you’re working for ANBU now. I thought you’d be Hokage by now.” Yeah. He was the one who caught me. I made it mile into the Land of Windmills before he kicked me out of the air. I think I passed out from lack of air when he kicked me in the chest. When I woke up, he said he remembered me, and he would release me in the morning. That was it.
“I’m not going to be Hokage.”
“Well, it wasn’t a job you wanted anyway.” I’m sorry. I’m sorry your reputation’s been damaged and you won’t be Hokage.
“You’re right. It is what it is. I chose to quit being a shinobi anyway. I just don’t think I can do it anymore.”
“But it’s all we know.”
“Yeah.”
-----
Iruka pulled Kakashi out of their apartment for ramen at Ichiraku with Naruto two days later. Kakashi had become a recluse since his return. He had a job and trained, but he rarely went out aside from that.
Kakashi would never reveal this little secret of Sasuke’s, but Kakashi had grown used to living underground with him, in complete darkness whenever the lights were off, day or night. That and working nights had made his eyes sensitive to sunlight. He ended up squinting quite a bit now to try to protect his eyes. He looked angry or hungover. He was actually tired; lunch was messing with his sleep schedule. And he had grown fond of sleep in Sasuke’s land of Cold and that Never-Ending Darkness of a bedroom. The blankets and the company were so warm in contrast.
But he still loved Ichiraku ramen. He also cared for Naruto, but Naruto was sunlight and sunlight hurt.
“Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto gave him a running hug. Kakashi was well enough to not be knocked over by the enthusiastic blond. “I haven’t seen you in a year!”
“Yeah, I guess it’s been about that long.”
Naruto sat between his two senseis. He started chatting as usual. Somehow, the sunny blond and his cheerful chatter didn’t distract him. He just thought about how Sasuke would be as silent as Kakashi was being now while Naruto talked.
Sasuke would just sit there, but he listened to every word. He would eat and only move his eyes. That hadn’t changed about him. There was something unnatural about that. Something . . . reptilian. Something that made Kakashi’s heart break. Something he loved. Kakashi believed there was part of Sasuke back then that wanted to connect and interact with Naruto and Sakura and Kakashi, but he just couldn’t take that step. Sasuke had talked to Kakashi, but he needed coaxing. Those lifeless eyes hid the fact Sasuke wanted to connect.
Kakashi finally interrupted. “How is Sakura? I haven’t seen her in a year either.”
“She’s working at the hospital and still studying under baa-chan. She’s doing great.”
“Good. I heard about you and Hinata.” He tried to tease, but it came out a little weak.
“Ahhhhh,” Naruto whined.
Naruto had grown so much during the war, but he could still act like a child; that gave him a smile.
“How’s that going?”
Naruto rubbed the back of his head, but he looked more mature now even when doing something like that. “It’s different. I always liked Sakura, but she never liked me back. Hinata loves me.”
“Do you love her back?”
“Yeah. I’ve realized I just had a crush. I thought Sakura was cute and I admired how smart she was, but Hinata . . . I love her. She was the only person to come out to help me when I was fighting Pain. She . . . I don’t know. She also had my back in the war. I think she’s like a support. She wants to be there for me whereas Sakura may have believed in me, but she was more focused on Sasuke and trying to help him. I value Hinata’s presence and her support. I can’t throw that away. I love her for who she is, not just because I thought she was cute and smart, I love her because she is important to me, good for me.”
“I’m very happy for you,” Kakashi said. “I thought your personalities might have been too different.”
“Yeah. I’m pretty outgoing and loud and she’s quiet, but I think we balance each other out.”
Kakashi’s whole being froze.
“I think she’s calming me, and I’ve helped her out of her shell.”
Sasuke’s words being repeated by Naruto made him feel the emptiness in his heart even more. Naruto always took charge of conversations and Kakashi was content to let him carry on. Like Sasuke, he listened. He moved his head though.
Naruto managed to talk all through lunch even while he downed five bowls of ramen. When they were finished, Kakashi paid and they stepped out into the street.
“You better take care of Iruka-sensei!” Naruto declared good naturedly. To his surprise, Kakashi just stared at him coolly.
“You should go home,” Iruka said to Kakashi, trying to divert attention. “You still work tonight, right?”
Kakashi turned and left. Iruka grabbed Naruto and hauled him into an alley.
“Naruto, don’t talk to Kakashi about our relationship, alright? Kakashi’s . . . he’s not himself really anymore. Don’t bother him about me, alright?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know, he’s changed after all that happened.”
“What happened?”
“You don’t know? About his capture?”
“Capture?!”
“You didn’t know? He was captured and tortured before he was able to escape. He retired from being an active shinobi and is now one of the heads of ANBU.”
“Eh?!”
“He was spying on another country and was caught on his way out. He was tortured for weeks before he finally broke. They eased up and he was able to escape. Tsunade and Ibiki were amazed he lasted so long and got away, but he can only see it as a failure. He’s very depressed. He trusts me and opened up to me and I fell in love with him. He cares for me and trusts me, but he doesn’t . . . He’s too depressed and is afraid of hurting me. He doesn’t want to love anyone. I wish he would love someone, even if it’s not me. So, don’t bother him about me. I’m the one who forced this relationship; if I get hurt, it’s my fault. Don’t harass him. Kakashi’s not the same person he was.”
“He was tortured for weeks?”
Iruka hesitated. “Four months.”
“What?!”
“It’s no wonder he’s changed; he suffered so much. But he got out,” Iruka said with pride. “He came home. He’ll recover. I’ll help him. He’ll recover.”
“Which country did that to him? It couldn’t have been Suna; Gaara would never do that to Kakashi-sensei; he helped rescue Gaara.”
“One of the smaller nations; most of their people didn’t participate in the war.” Iruka really didn’t want to tell Naruto what his friend had done.
“Which one?”
“It’s sort of a secret. Everyone’s pretending it didn’t happen for political reasons. Don’t look into it.”
“How bad was he hurt?”
“Pretty bad, but a lot was sleep deprivation and stuff like that.” Iruka could see Naruto was growing more and more angry. “Naruto, let it go. Kakashi’s home. Spying and capture and torture are all part of the job; Kakashi knew that. He’s getting better. Don’t ask him about it; don’t ask anyone else about it. He doesn’t need to talk about it and only a few people know or need to know. Just let it go.”
“I hate that this is still going on. We’re at peace!”
“The world doesn’t change. It wasn’t one of the Five Great Shinobi Nations; they are the ones at peace. That country was within its rights; Kakashi was trespassing and spying. Leave it alone.”
“I’ll try.”
“Good. Kakashi will get better if he forgets it.”
-----
In fact, Kakashi hardly thought about the torture part of his time in Kazaguruma. Iruka was going to run errands after their lunch with Naruto while Kakashi returned home for a nap before work.
He couldn’t sleep despite the food coma. One time, in the middle of the day like this when Kakashi was just lounging in bed because there was nothing else to do, Sasuke crawled into bed with him. Taking time off from being a sato-osa, Sasuke came to lie down next to him.
As he reminisced about Sasuke, he had to smile as he realized something: Sasuke had a bit of a fetish for having his fingers sucked. He could remember the taste. The texture. The warmth. Sometimes he could smell and taste metal and weapon oil on Sasuke’s hands. Sometimes it was cotton or soap. Sasuke kept his nails trimmed, but he left a little past the tip of his finger. He’d teased the skin under it with his tongue.
And Sasuke sucked his fingers too. He did have to wonder if Sasuke was doing that with Shou or the others he mentioned. That made his heart ache. He was jealous. That was a far more intimate thing for him, even more than the sex.
Then that scar on his arm. He caressed the bandage he covered the scar with. The feeling of his tongue in his flesh. That was intimate on a whole other level. Yes, it was a lot of sex, but Kakashi truly loved the little sadist.
He fell asleep thinking about Sasuke. Imagining he was lying next to him. Thinking maybe—as consciousness slipped away—that if he moved his hand, it would bump into Sasuke’s.
-----
Goddamn paperwork. Sure, it was more diverting than Hokage level signing papers, but it was still sitting at a desk, writing. At least he didn’t have to do paperwork with the ANBU mask on. He still wore it on the side of his head. His old one had shattered when Pain attacked, this was a new one, but it was identical to the original.
He worked with two men. One wore his mask like Kakashi, the other wore it on the back of his head which was wonderfully unsettling. They weren’t bad co-workers even if they were prison guards in a sense. They fully knew who he was and, even if they doubted his loyalty, they respected him. He was supposed to be their superior, but he felt they were all pretty much equals. Being a head of ANBU really just meant he had to read and approve everything. Even if everything was checked again to make sure he didn’t sabotage them.
Side-Face was on break when Tsunade came in. Kakashi and Two-Face stood; she waved them back down to their desks.
“How are you doing, Kakashi?” Tsunade asked. Two-Face pretended to be totally into his work.
“Depressed. I’ve been going to Santa, but frankly he’s no Inoichi. Iruka is far more effective for alleviating my depression. Then again, Inoichi and his father both gave up on me in the past. Buta said I was the worst patient he ever interviewed.”
“Buta was the best psychologist, but he did give up easily.”
“Inoichi was more tenacious, but he gave up too.”
“Inoichi’s conclusion was that your traumas made you a better shinobi.”
“Yeah. He did get exasperated at me though.”
“I’m hoping you will recover enough to go back to work. Your physical condition is returning.”
“That will take far more therapy.”
“I’m sure you’ll make a full recovery.”
Kakashi paused for a heartbeat. “Can I ask, why did you send me there?”
Tsunade hesitated before answering as well, but she had her answered ready; she was definitely expecting the question sooner or later. “You’re one of my most talented shinobi and you know him best, probably better than Naruto—I couldn’t send Naruto, obviously. Also, I didn’t think he’d kill you if you were caught. I didn’t think he’d torture you either.”
“He did say that if I wasn’t his former sensei that he’d kill me. Did you intend a message by sending me? Did you really have absolute confidence I wouldn’t be caught?”
Tsunade considered. “It’s always a possibility. No, there was no message.”
“I didn’t think so, but he thought there was.”
“What was his reaction?”
“’A kunai in my ribs.’”
Long practice and the added benefit of his mask kept his roiling emotions from being sensed. He felt cold. He felt lightheaded and his fingers went numb. She had intended a message and it was received and got the reaction she wanted. She wanted to wound Sasuke. What was the message though? That everyone had turned against him? That she and Konoha controlled Kakashi? That she held Kakashi’s leash? That their alliance was weak?
That’s it; he was tired of all this. He was tired of being used. Of course, Tsunade cared if he died or not, but she accepted the risk to send a message. A message. He couldn’t even be angry; he was done caring.
“I hope that wasn’t why he treated you as he did.”
“Who knows with him? Half his actions are due to whims.” His bitterness for Tsunade came out in his next words. “He’s a mercurial bastard.”
Tsunade nodded and left them.
-----
Kakashi went out to train after work like always, but his heart wasn’t in it. He did one hundred push-ups with one finger with three of his ninken on his back; he did some complex kunai and shuriken practice; then ended with a kilometer run with his hounds. A less strenuous regimen than normal for him. He wandered home earlier than usual.
He snuck in and showered.
His thoughts wandered to Sasuke’s touch, his eyes, his mouth against his. He was aroused. Something pulled at him, urging him to do more than just jack off. His body was yearning for something Kakashi never believed he’d enjoy.
His hand slid down his abdomen and over his cock. He fingered his balls. He braced himself with an arm in front of him. He pinched the loose skin sending a bolt of pain through his entire body and into his nipples. Kakashi sank to his knees in a mix of pain and desire.
He kept his eyes shut and released the skin he was pinching. He jerked off remembering sex with Sasuke. The cold bastard whose body was so warm, so fucking hot and tight. He tightened his grip around his erection to try to simulate Sasuke’s tightness. He failed, but it was as close as he could come.
Sasuke sighing, his deep voice becoming breathy, bending his neck back and to the side, revealing that column of vulnerable, ivory throat. Ebony hair fanning out over the pillow like a black halo. Eyes screwed shut in agonizing ecstasy.
Kakashi came. He sagged forward, his cheek against the wall, most of the water missing his body and hitting the floor behind him. He panted and concentrated on his heartbeat.
His time with Sasuke had changed him so much. Before Sasuke, Kakashi only had sex with women, he never got off on pain, and he was a respected shinobi. All that was gone. He missed Sasuke so fucking much.
If he had a choice, he would choose the cold sadist over Tsunade to serve.
He had shampoo and soap that shinobi used in the field that had no scent and eliminated your own. He felt like he was cleaning the lust from his skin as much as anything else, stripping his own musk and scent of semen from his body. Iruka didn’t wake up when Kakashi came out of the bathroom.
Pulling on a pair of pants, Kakashi went out to the living room, leaving the lights off. He sat down on the sofa and sat back. He wished he could meditate like Sasuke, to clear his mind, to forget. He wondered if Sasuke meditated to forget. Was that how he functioned? He saw how Sasuke’s shell broke over his brother. It made him wonder just how thin and fragile that shell was. How fragile was Sasuke really? He felt like he could stroke Sasuke’s cheek and that pale skin would chip off like eggshells. Or Gaara’s sand armor.
How thin was that shell right this moment? Where was Sasuke? Who was with him? Did he have anyone to catch those fragments? He thought maybe he was falling more in love with Sasuke now that they were apart. At this moment, he wanted to be there for Sasuke not as much for his own desires.
He sighed. He wished he could stop himself from thinking. He stood, thinking of trying one of his books to distract him, but decided to try running from it through sleep.
Kakashi carefully crawled in next to Iruka. Iruka woke up when Kakashi nuzzled in behind him.
“Kakashi?”
“I’m home early. Go back to sleep; it’s hours until you have to go to work.”
“Aren’t you hungry?”
“No. Go back to sleep.” Kakashi wrapped his arm around him.
They rarely went to sleep at the same time. Iruka savored it as he drifted off.
-----
He was seriously getting tired of being depressed. He had the next night off, so Kakashi got up early while Iruka was at work and went over to visit Kurenai. He and Gai had sort of become like Mirai’s godfathers since her father, Asuma, was dead; Shikamaru was almost a surrogate father, but the two older men doted on the little girl. As distant as Kakashi normally was when they were kids, Asuma, Kurenai, Genma, and Gai were the closest things to friends he had after Obito and Rin died.
“Kakashi?!” Kurenai said when she opened the door.
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in months. I wanted to check in on you and Mirai.”
Kurenai smiled warmly at him; she was surprised, but not unhappy to see him. “I heard your last mission went badly,” she said as she let him in.
“Yeah. Bound to happen when you’re pissing off an Uchiha.”
Kurenai demurred a bit; her clan was an old offshoot of the Uchiha, but there was a lot of distance between the two. It explained the Yūhi’s clan red eyes and affinity for genjutsu, but they lacked any doujutsu.
Mirai was sitting on the living room floor playing with a bear dressed as a shinobi. Gai gave her that. She looked up at the newcomer and smiled and held up her arms to be picked up. “Shiro!” [AN: White]
Kakashi obliged her, picking up the toddler. She giggled and grabbed at his mask.
“It’s been half a year; I didn’t think you’d remember me.”
“You, Gai, and Shikamaru were around a lot after she was born; she probably imprinted on you or something.”
“Or maybe she just likes masked men. You better keep an eye on her. I’ll help you kill any suspicious suitors.”
Kurenai laughed. “Get in line. Shikamaru and I get first crack, then you and Gai.”
He smiled at her. “I expect Ino, Choji, Kiba, Shino, and Hinata will also want to kill any suitors, unworthy or not.”
“True,” she laughed. “Have a seat.”
Kakashi sat down on the sofa with Mirai still in his arms. He pulled a book from his vest. “I brought this for you, Mirai.”
Mirai giggled at the brightly colored picture book.
“Please tell me it has nothing to do with Icha Icha,” Kurenai whined.
“I would never!” Kakashi defended. “At least not until she’s sixteen.”
Kakashi put Mirai down next to him so she could start looking through her new book.
With her daughter sufficiently distracted, Kurenai asked, “How bad is it?”
Kakashi sighed, but kept his voice light, “Pretty bad.”
“They’re bastards. Santa looked you over, didn’t he?”
“Yeah. No sign of Sharingan influence. Sasuke didn’t use it once.”
Kurenai came over to him and looked into his eyes. She wasn’t a doujutsu user, but she was one of the best in the village with genjutsu.
“Not a thing,” she concluded. She sat down opposite him. “Not a trace of genjutsu.”
“They still keep a watch on me every time I leave the apartment. I work with two ANBU who are always watching. They do you and Iruka the respect of staying outside, but otherwise, I’m constantly under watch.”
She clicked her tongue. “It’s not fair.”
“Yeah, well, nothing is.”
“How’s Iruka? You’re not being evil to him, are you?”
“He’s fine. I’m not evil to anyone I sleep with; just an asshole.”
Kurenai laughed. “Anko called you evil.”
“She got her hopes up is all.”
“And that girl at the ramen shop, Ayame.”
“She didn’t call me evil. Did she? Should I be checking my ramen for spit or poison?”
“You may make no promises in your one-night stands, but still.”
“Well, that’s over.”
“I was surprised to hear about you and Iruka.”
He shrugged. “Tastes change in your old age.”
“Be nice to him; he’s sort of fragile. Sensitive.”
“I’m trying. It’s just so hard to keep your spirits up when half the village thinks you’re a traitor.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“No? A quarter then. I don’t like the looks I get when I do go out.”
“Are you sure it’s suspicion? Most people shouldn’t even know you were captured.”
“Maybe I’m being paranoid. You knew about it. It’s disheartening all the same.”
“There may be plenty who don’t trust you, but I wouldn’t worry about them.”
“Kurenai . . . Sasuke believed Tsunade sent me as a message and I think he was right.”
“What was his reaction?”
“A kunai in his ribs. A wound easily reopened.” Kakashi barely resisted touching his bandaged arm.
“You think she intended it?”
“I asked her and she no, but I could tell. Being a pawn in the traditional sense I can stand, but that? Just tell him he’s an asshole and leave me out of it.”
Kurenai took a deep breath. “Sasuke does make her nervous. I think he’s through with Konoha and we should just leave each other alone. I saw a bit of him when he was recovering after the war. I wouldn’t call him remorseful, but he seemed at peace.”
“Why did you see him?”
“I was curious. I didn’t really know his clan, but you remember how Asuma and I fought his brother. I needed to get a sense of him. He lacked the coldness that I saw in Itachi that day. There was something vulnerable in Sasuke. I knew he wasn’t a threat anymore. At least not until someone pisses him off again. His clan and his pride above all, no?”
“You’re right. He didn’t kill me because I was his sensei, but he did assure me that if I tried to harm his village or country, he’d kill me without a thought.”
Kurenai smiled.
“What?”
“You don’t sound resentful toward him at all. He’s still your student to you, isn’t he? Still one of your kids.”
“I can never hate him.”
Her smile was sincere. “I’m glad.”
-----
Kakashi decided to make dinner tonight. Iruka did all the cooking, but this evening Kakashi wasn’t going to work.
He didn’t cook for himself that much when he wasn’t on missions. The thing shinobi know how to cook best is a rabbit or fish on a spit. Even if he gave Naruto shit about always eating ramen, it was a staple in all shinobi cupboards. He just added vegetables.
Today he made something with more finesse and ingredients: teriyaki chicken with rice mixed with various vegetables.
He sipped at his beer, sitting on the sofa, waiting for Iruka to come home. It was becoming his spot; it was where he sat when he first came to Iruka’s apartment.
He had to unwrap his arm to let it breathe. It was red from the wrapping. How long was he going to keep changing the bandages? How long was he going to try to hide it? It was a nearly four-inch scar by one and half. It was white, never exposed to sunlight and kept from infection despite Sasuke digging his tongue into it. It was white against his white skin, but it was a shinier, paler area.
He shivered as he remembered the feeling of Sasuke’s tongue violating his flesh. He ran a finger down it. The scar itself was nearly numb, but the transition to his regular skin was extra sensitive. Oh, how he wanted to feel Sasuke lick it again. To lick the healed scar.
He dropped his arm as Iruka came in.
“Welcome home,” Kakashi said as he stood.
“Oh, hi. I didn’t think you’d be awake.”
“I went over to see Kurenai and Mirai. I made preparations for dinner.”
“Oh, great. I didn’t think you could cook.”
“I am man enough to know how to look after myself,” he said with a smirk. He was wearing his mask, but the smirk was clear through his eyes and the movement under his mask.
Iruka settled in, putting his things away and changing out of his chunin uniform. Kakashi waited to start dinner since Iruka didn’t tend to eat this early. Kakashi—before all this—didn’t have a set meal schedule, just ate when he was hungry. When out on a mission, one ate when one had to or could. Kakashi was content to wait until Iruka wanted to eat. Honestly, he ate when Iruka made him food. He’d eat less if it weren’t for Iruka. He didn’t even eat lunch at work. Sasuke would come down for lunch, but it was usually Kakashi’s breakfast.
“Are you hungry? Want me to start dinner?”
“Yeah. Um, I’m going to grade a few papers while you cook.”
“Sure.”
Iruka was a little thrown off by his good humor. He used the dining table while he could.
The meal didn’t take long to cook and Iruka had to put away his papers after grading only five. Iruka intended to help set the table, but Kakashi took care of that himself as well.
“Thank you.”
“You do all the work of the house; I need to pitch in every once in a while.”
“It’s not necessary.”
“I want to.”
They started eating, but like most meals, it was silent. Iruka had become accustom to Kakashi not wanting to speak or not having anything to say.
In just his sleeveless shirt, Kakashi’s eyes were drawn to the scar on his arm where he let it lay as he ate.
“Did Sasuke give that to you?” Iruka asked.
Kakashi was startled out of his thoughts. “Yes, he did.”
“What happened?”
Sasuke carved his possessive mark into my arm and tongue fucked it before fucking me, Kakashi thought. “He’s a sadist.” He was caught between the urge to smile and cry; Sasuke had wondered what excuse he’d make for that scar. A wound made to cause pain by a sadistic rapist was the one he chose.
Kakashi shook off his thoughts. “So, in your class, do you have another Naruto?”
Iruka’s eyes went wide. Kakashi never asked him about his work. “Um, yeah. Eishun. He’s not as bad though.”
“Maybe you just know better how to deal with Naruto-like students.”
“Maybe. Um, how is Kurenai?”
“Good. I gave Mirai a picture book. She looks so much like her mother; I don’t see much of Asuma in her yet.”
“Won’t be long before she’ll be in the academy. I hope she’ll be in my class.”
“She’s a sweet girl.” Kakashi noticed Iruka was eating all the chicken, but not so much the rice. “It’s a more peaceful world now. I hope she never has to be a real shinobi. But it’s best a sweet little girl like her be trained to kick ass.”
Iruka laughed a little. “I’ll take care of that.”
Kakashi’s fond smile was thankful.
Iruka shyly looked down at his plate and used his fork to separate the rice from the vegetables. Kakashi talked more about Mirai than Kurenai. Maybe Mirai was like a daughter to him. Did he want a daughter? Did he want a child? The books Kakashi used to read were all heterosexual and he heard rumors about Kakashi sleeping with several women, including Anko. Kurenai probably would have been a better partner than him. Iruka was one of only four people who were around when Kakashi returned. Maybe any kind person would have won Kakashi’s heart.
He wasn’t jealous; it was melancholy and lack of self-confidence.
“You haven’t gone out since I moved in,” Kakashi said. “I hope you aren’t staying in just because of me. In fact, I’m sick of being depressed. I’d actually appreciate it if you’d drag me out. Maybe if you force me to have fun, I’ll have some by accident.”
Iruka smiled. “I do go out with friends, but just not recently. Not because of you.”
“I don’t want to intrude on your time with your friends, but I do think I need to get out.”
“Maybe we should have dinner with our students: Naruto and Sakura. Maybe Hinata, Ino, and her boyfriend too. Sai was on your team.”
“That’s a good idea. Yamato too. He’s a friend and was their captain for a while.”
Iruka brightened. “I’ll set it up.”
Feeling that they were both done with dinner, Iruka picked up their plates. Kakashi noted Iruka left most of his side dish.
Kakashi turned sideways in his chair to watch Iruka wash the dishes and thought for a minute. “I should go for a run with my ninken. Would you like to join us?”
“Your ninken?”
“You’ve never met my summons. I have a pack of eight dogs.”
“Yeah, I’d like to meet them.”
As soon as Iruka finished the dishes, they went out to the training grounds. Kakashi summoned all eight of his ninken. They all turned to Iruka as one.
“This is Iruka-sensei. Be nice.”
“Sensei?” Uhei asked.
“He was Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke’s academy teacher.”
Shiba and Urushi sniggered.
Iruka was indignant. “What?”
“Nothing,” Shiba said.
Kakashi knelt and rubbed Shiba’s neck and throat affectionately. Shiba whined and looked up at him with equal affection. Uhei nuzzled his elbow for attention. Urushi wanted attention and headed butted Kakashi in the chest. Kakashi laughed and laid back. Bisuke and Guruko came round to lick at Kakashi’s face. Akino, Pakkun, and Bull sat by while the others showered their master with affection.
They could tell from the chakra used to summon them what Kakashi’s state of mind and intentions was and knew they weren’t summoned for battle or training. Kakashi hadn’t spoken to them about what happened in Kazaguruma, but they didn’t need words, they knew he was depressed and knew his working and training situation. This was the first time since before that last mission he’d summoned them just to play and bond.
They also sensed Kakashi’s feelings toward Iruka.
Pakkun, sitting on top of Bull’s head, turned to Iruka. “I’ll let you touch my paw pad.” He lifted a paw. “It’s really soft and supple.”
Iruka laughed. He got down on his knees and touched the offered paw. “It really is.”
“I keep telling people, but nobody wants to shake,” he said mournfully.
Iruka put out his hand. “Shake?”
“I’m not a stupid dog.” But then he put his paw on Iruka’s hand.
Kakashi could see between Shiba and Urushi. He could see Iruka and Pakkun interacting. Iruka was smiling. It was a sweet sight. Though, Pakkun offered almost everyone his paw pad. Figured he’d have a dog with the canine version of a foot fetish.
Urushi growled. The others backed off so he and Kakashi could wrestle. Iruka watched the nigh six-foot-tall shinobi wrestle with an angry looking mutt. Shiba grabbed a rolled-up rag in Kakashi’s belt. Kakashi abandoned Urushi to play tug of war with Shiba. Shiba growled playfully and refused to give ground.
Iruka had never seen a playful side to Kakashi before. His teasing side, yes, but he hadn’t seen him play before. And despite the mask, Iruka knew Kakashi was smiling. This was the brightest he’d ever—ever—seen him. This pack was his family.
Kakashi finally let Shiba win. “Let’s go for a run. Iruka, you wanted to join us?”
“Yeah.”
-----
Iruka was totally winded by the time they were done. Kakashi was only slightly winded. He sat down to lean back against a tree trunk. Shiba came up to nuzzle their alpha.
Kakashi ruffled Shiba’s mohawk. “I haven’t completely recovered.”
Bisuke joined Shiba in nuzzling him and whined. Shiba even licked his masked cheek.
Seeing Kakashi with his ninken warmed Iruka’s heart.
Kakashi really loved his pack. He knew that if it wasn’t for them, all the tragedies of his life would have broken him long ago. He remembered curling up with them after his father’s suicide, hugging Shiba like a toy when he was little more than a pup. Shiba, in particular, was always affectionate. They were all chill, just like their alpha, but Shiba was exceptionally affectionate, probably because how Kakashi had hugged his fluffy frame so much as a child. They kept the loneliness at bay when he lost people or shut himself away. These were the only beings in the world who would never judge or abandon him. No one had seen him cry as much as Shiba had. He loved them all, Pakkun was his friend and second in command of the ninken, but Shiba was his comfort.
Kakashi used a scroll to bring out some meat he kept for them. He ate a piece of jerky and offered Iruka a piece. Iruka accepted it. Then Kakashi gave each of them their steak in order: Pakkun, Shiba, Uhei, Bull, Bisuke, Akino, Guruko, and Urushi. He made sure to have some physical time with each of them even if they didn’t play. Bull, for one, wasn’t much for playing.
Kakashi shared a few more pieces with Iruka while the dogs ate. Once the ninken finished, Kakashi thanked them and they released the summoning, going home.
“They’re very nice,” Iruka commented. “You seem really close to the husky.”
“All of them are skilled in combat, but Pakkun, Bisuke, and Guruko are scent hounds, my best trackers. Bull has the loudest bark of any dog I’ve ever heard. Uhei is my fastest, but Shiba is the only one who can run long distances. Pakkun’s my right hand, but Shiba was always my most affectionate. I guess I am closest with him. He was still a puppy when my father died, but I summoned him and Pakkun that night. I got used to summoning him when I was alone and depressed.”
“I’m glad you have a family.”
“Hn.”
-----
There were no assassinations to plan out tonight; it was all spying. Kakashi froze when he saw this mission was to the Land of Windmills. His firsthand knowledge of Sasuke’s country gave him better insight into how to plan this mission. He didn’t let his feelings for Sasuke hinder his planning; he honestly did his best to plan this mission. It was merely spying on an outpost near the southwest border of Sasuke’s country.
Kakashi was sure this was a test. He faithfully planned the mission and put it aside for the others to look over. He wondered if the surveillance over him would lax once they saw he didn’t try to betray them.
He came home a little brighter; happy that he was either trusted or being tested. He didn’t try to hide his entrance to the apartment this morning. He started stripping his chest armor and arm guards on his way through the living room.
Iruka woke up when he entered the bedroom. He turned on the lamp. “Welcome home.”
Kakashi saw the morning wood bump in the sheets. He didn’t say anything, just crawled onto the bed and put his hand on the erection under the sheet and kissed him. Iruka was very happy to kiss back and reach for Kakashi’s clothed cock.
Kakashi had to use both his hands to hold himself up while Iruka stroked him. Iruka began to strip him to use his hands directly on Kakashi’s hard flesh, pushing his pants and boxers down.
Kakashi hadn’t showered yet, but his own musk was stronger than the smell of sweat on his body.
As Iruka pulled Kakashi’s sleeveless shirt up, the misting of sweat on his chest glowed in the lamplight. Kakashi grabbed the shirt and pealed it and his mask away. He’d recovered all his old muscle mass; his chest had lean, sexy muscle rather than the bulky, veiny muscles the larger shinobi like Asuma sported. Hairless and smooth.
Iruka ran his hands over that body and up to his sure shoulders and down those strong upper arms. Like a dog, Kakashi liked Iruka’s touch. He moved down Iruka’s body and pulled Iruka’s boxers down. As Kakashi moved, Iruka’s hands traveled up to Kakashi’s hair. He loved his head being petted.
Kakashi took Iruka’s length into his mouth while he took out a kunai to cut the wraps around his thigh under his equipment pouch. He bobbed up and down Iruka’s cock, moving his tongue over the underside. His throat closed up, not wanting to be penetrated, but the softness of his soft palate and tongue felt amazing against Iruka’s glans.
The equipment pouch bounced on the bed and then fell to the floor with a solid thunk. Kakashi stopped sucking off Iruka once his leg was free and pushed off his pants completely. Crawling back up, Kakashi captured Iruka’s lips. Their erections touched, rubbing against each other with every heartbeat. Kakashi started rolling his hips to drag their lengths together even more. Iruka’s hands hardly ever left Kakashi’s hair.
For a moment, despite the different taste of the kiss, Kakashi fell into the delusion that this was Sasuke. He kissed him more deeply than he’d ever kissed Iruka before. He wanted to consume this phantom of Sasuke.
He pulled away, his eyes closed, to grab the lube from the nightstand. “Turn over,” he said breathlessly. He didn’t want to touch Iruka’s arm, knowing it would be too thin to be Sasuke’s.
He kept his eyes closed as he mounted him. Iruka’s sigh and the feeling of Iruka’s body broke the spell. This wasn’t Sasuke. Probably never would be.
Regardless, he was erect and full of hunger. He fucked him with vigor. It was tinged with anger rather than passion. Iruka didn’t know the difference. Even if this wasn’t the one he loved, he held him hard and close as he came, an arm across his chest, the other clutching his stomach. Kakashi pressed his face into Iruka’s neck, his nose just behind his ear.
Iruka came as Kakashi gripped him tightly. His arms trembled with orgasm and strain. He eased them down, causing Kakashi’s limp cock to drop from his ass. Kakashi pulled away to reach the lamp to douse it, then he brought his arm back to hold Iruka close.
He remembered the crash from the time in Sasuke’s dungeon. This was not as bad, but he was depressed. It was unfair to think of Sasuke when he was having sex with Iruka. Coming down from a sexual high mixed with guilt and loss almost made him cry. Instead he just held on tight to the body in front him. He slipped off without food.
Kakashi was fast asleep, his arms loosened in slumber. Iruka had been tempted to fall asleep again after sex, but he’d just woken up. Iruka turned over onto his side to look at his lover. The sun was about to rise, filling the room with a muted, blue glow. Kakashi’s white hair was the first thing he could see.
Iruka looked fondly down at him. He loved him so much. Kakashi didn’t even flinch in his sleep when Iruka stared at him, so that had to mean Kakashi at the very least trusted him.
It was nearing the height of summer and it was warm even at night so that Kakashi hadn’t pulled at the sheet before he fell asleep. His bare, pale body reflected the feeble light like marble. The shadows defined his muscles like a well-wrought statue.
As the light grew to a pinkish bloom, he could see his face. He’d never seen a man so lovely. He couldn’t even start to describe that perfect nose and jaw. The scar running down from his eyebrow through his eyelid and terminating on his cheek nearly led straight down to a mole that completed a perfect visage. And all that care, all those memories, the sorrow and loss, all of it was gone, leaving his features in peace for once.
The dawn wore on, bathing Kakashi’s face in warmer light. Iruka would rather remember him smiling, but this look of peace was too perfect to not want to immortalize. He wished he could take a picture of his sleeping lover in this moment. But for the scar, his face could be that of any civilian, a man of peace. Yet that molded body couldn’t be anything that of a shinobi. Shinobi weren’t supposed to know peace.
He wanted to pet him, happy that he was semi-retired, but he was afraid to break that peace by waking him.
He let him sleep.
-----
A few days later, they did have dinner at Yakiniku Q with Naruto and Hinata, Ino and Sai, Sakura, and Yamato.
It was a light gathering. Ino was happy to be included in the group as Sai’s girlfriend though Hinata was a little embarrassed being here as Naruto’s girlfriend. Yamato sat next to his old friend and sempai. He’d grown fond of their shared team and was glad to spend some time with them all again. After the war, Naruto, Sakura, and Sai were all separated to their own tasks and Yamato continued in ANBU. This was the first time Team Kakashi had come together since Sasuke left to found his country and village.
“I feel like Sasuke should be here,” Naruto said halfway through the meal.
“Yeah,” Sakura agreed.
Kakashi mentally sighed. There she goes, pinning over Sasuke again.
“You should have gone after him,” Ino said, though not mean spiritedly.
“I tried. He told me not to. He said my place was in Konoha and his was not.”
“Konoha hurt him too gravely,” Kakashi said. “He can never come back. And you do belong here. Sasuke never deserved you.”
Sakura hunched down a little at the praise. “But what about him? You still write to him,” Sakura said to Naruto. “He hasn’t gotten a girlfriend or anything yet?”
Kakashi hoped that wasn’t hope in her voice.
“No. I mean, I don’t know. He doesn’t say much. It’s more like he just acknowledges that he got my letters. He seems to try really hard not to tell me anything about his personal life. Or anything else.”
“I thought he was gay,” Sai said.
That was met with silence, but it was because everyone was considering it.
“Well he did have nearly every girl in the academy fawning over him and he never showed any of them any interest,” Ino said.
“Then again, he never showed any interest in any guys either,” Naruto pointed out.
Iruka was growing more and more uncomfortable. The talking about sexuality embarrassed him, but he really feared what all this talk of Sasuke would do to Kakashi.
“I’m surprised you even think he’s gay,” Naruto said to Sai. “Don’t you usually assume guys don’t have dicks?”
“I did ask Sasuke. He showed me he did.”
If anyone had anything in their mouths at that point they would have been choking or spiting it out.
“He showed you?” Ino asked.
“I don’t think he wanted to argue, just nipped it in the bud and opened his pants. He definitely has a penis.”
The girls weren’t the only people blushing.
“I was a bit jealous,” Sai added.
Kakashi laughed. “He’s bisexual,” Kakashi ended the debate.
“Huh?” was the chorus that met his announcement.
“Sasuke’s bisexual.”
Now it was silence.
“How do you know?” Sakura demanded.
Iruka was trying not look at anyone since he knew how Kakashi knew that. However, Kakashi never said anything to him about Sasuke having a female lover.
“I have talked to him. He was here for a few months before he left to found his new country. He’s bisexual, the end.”
“Did he say he was with someone? Or wanted to be with someone?”
“No. It was just something that came up in conversation. He didn’t elaborate.”
“How does that work?” Sakura asked. “How can you be bisexual?”
“Well, I am,” Kakashi said. “Sasuke and I are attracted to both sexes. It’s more about the person rather than their gender. I’ve had sex with several women, but I’m in a relationship with Iruka now.”
“How many?” Sai asked the tactless question.
“How many women? About a dozen. No real relationships though.”
Yamato chuckled. “The closest I ever got to seeing your face was the time you were chased out a window naked during a mission.”
Kakashi clearly smiled at the memory, looking up wistfully. “Oh yeah, that was fun. Her husband came home early.”
“We were camped near this house on the edge of town and Kakashi got bored,” Yamato explained. “One night, we hear a commotion and I look toward the house just in time to see Kakashi flying out the window. He ran into camp carrying his uniform and was more concerned with covering his face than anything else.”
Kakashi chuckled. “I have my priorities.”
“What about guys?” Ino asked with a blush.
“Only one other.” Kakashi’s eyes grew distant.
Only Sai was socially stupid enough to ask, “Who?”
Kakashi’s eyes became more immediate and he focused on Sai. “An absolute asshole I should have never meddled with. But it was the best few weeks of my life,” he added distractedly. “That was the first time I attempted a relationship. It didn’t end well.”
Kakashi shook off any more questions about his love life and said, “Anyway, Sasuke wants children so he’ll probably get married to a woman to have a matriarch and have a bunch of kids. Maybe he’ll have a harem for genetic diversity since it’s more about his clan than wanting kids. He may have a male lover on the side or be fine with just his wife. He just has more options. Hopefully, he’ll choose whatever makes him happy.”
Only Iruka was really looking at Kakashi. He saw the shadow there.
“Enough about Sasuke,” Kakashi pronounced. “Talking behind his back isn’t very polite; though his not being around does make it hard not to do. Talking about something so personal is even worse.”
“I’ll ask him directly next time I write him,” Naruto said. “I’d like to go see him, but I haven’t had the time.”
“I believe Sasuke’s still busy fortifying his place and his nation’s security,” Kakashi said. “He might not be very communicative because he’s busy and unsure what he can tell you.”
“I heard you were high up in ANBU now,” Sakura said. “Do you know of a threat to him?”
“You know I couldn’t do that.” Kakashi’s smirk surprised Iruka. “Sasuke is secure, as far as I know. I can’t say if there is a threat to him or anything like that, but I wouldn’t worry about him. You know Sasuke: he’s analytical and controlling. I’m sure he has a handle on everything.”
Kakashi was starting to show a little stress, so much so that Yamato noticed his senpai’s discomfort.
“I’m sure Sasuke’s fine,” Yamato said. “I can speak more freely, and I haven’t heard of any problems.”
Kakashi and Iruka both wondered how true that was.
“We are allies,” Kakashi said. “Tsunade may make time for you to go visit him to firm up relations. At the very least you have to invite him to your wedding.”
Hinata turned an impressive shade of scarlet. Kakashi restrained himself from laughing.
-----
Just a little tipsy, Kakashi and Iruka made their way home.
“Sorry,” Iruka said.
“Huh? Sorry for what?”
“I should have known they’d bring up Sasuke.”
“Don’t worry about it. I think of him often enough. I enjoyed tonight. Thank you.”
Iruka smiled shyly up at him. Kakashi gave him a peck on the lips through his mask. They walked silently the rest of the way.
Once they were home, Kakashi immediately started to strip his shirt and mask. Iruka pulled the tie from his hair, walking slowly further into his apartment.
Kakashi came up behind Iruka and wrapped his arms around him. He was so different from Sasuke, complete opposites. Iruka had darker skin opposed to Sasuke’s sun-starved flesh. Sasuke was well muscled, while Iruka—and Kakashi for that matter—had leaner muscle and Iruka was a teacher, an in-shape teacher of young shinobi, but his physique just couldn’t compare to that of a veteran like Kakashi or Sasuke. Sasuke’s hair was short; Iruka’s was on the long side. And Iruka was just so kind while Sasuke was naturally cold. They were so different. He may never see Sasuke again and he really did care for Iruka.
“I really do value you, Iruka,” Kakashi said. “I don’t know what I would have done without you. I do love you, just not as much as him.”
Iruka turned around, breaking out of Kakashi’s hold. “You mean it?”
“Yes, I do love you. I will probably never forget him and how much I love him, but I need you in my life right now and I care for you. I still think you’ll get hurt if you stay with me, but I need you. I do love you and I want you to stay.”
Iruka’s smile was so large and genuine that it hurt Kakashi. To shut it out, he closed his eyes and kissed him deeply.
-----
Kakashi was slipping into depression again and it broke Iruka’s heart. But Kakashi did say he would let Iruka take him out.
“The Summer Festival is coming up,” Iruka mentioned at dinner. “Do you want to go?”
“I haven’t been to a festival in years. I don’t even have a yukata anymore.”
“We should go buy you one. That is, if you want to go.”
“Yeah. Yeah, it will be a good distraction. Do you need a new yukata? If we’re buying me one, maybe you should get a new one too.”
“Oh, I don’t need another one. It’s good enough.”
“I’ll buy you a new one. A gift.”
Iruka almost blushed.
-----
It was brighter than Iruka had hoped and he was glad. Most shinobi left off their headbands tonight; Kakashi and Iruka left theirs at home as well. Their yukatas weren’t identical, but they were both blue with a subtle pattern.
Iruka had gone to Tsunade and asked her to give Kakashi at least one night off during the festival so he could cheer him up. She had readily agreed.
Iruka bought almost every sweet they came across; Kakashi didn’t buy much at all.
Then they came to the games. Iruka was a little kid. He dragged Kakashi to the throwing booth with the milk bottles.
“Do you like carnival games?” Iruka asked.
“Never played one.”
“Try it.” Iruka put down money and the man gave Kakashi three balls.
Kakashi assessed the bottles then threw one ball. It didn’t knock anything down. Kakashi’s eyes narrowed. “It’s rigged.”
“Of course, it is,” Iruka laughed. “It wouldn’t be a challenge otherwise. It wouldn’t be fun if it wasn’t a challenge.”
Kakashi reassessed things and threw the second ball. It hit, and the trio of bottles fell. The third ball had the same result.
“I hate shinobi,” the proprietor mumbled as he pulled a stiffed dog toy from the wall and gave it to Kakashi.
“That’s why you charge us more,” Iruka countered.
Iruka put down more money. He only knocked down two bottles, not enough for a prize.
With a shrug, he led Kakashi to a booth further down. Goldfish scooping. Among the bright orange goldfish, there were several white, faster, rice fish. With the steady hand of an expert shinobi, Kakashi caught twenty-five goldfish and four rice fish. He didn’t keep the fish, just let them go back into the trough. Iruka only caught six and no rice fish. He wasn’t disappointed; he was just having fun, not competing. Kakashi was in a whole other class than him anyway.
They came to the last booth. It was a kunai targeting range with moving targets.
Kakashi looked over the prizes and put down his money. His first kunai didn’t score. But the next few did. The last three missed to Iruka’s amazement. The proprietor turned to get Kakashi’s prize.
“How could you miss the last ones?”
“I missed on purpose.”
“Why?”
Kakashi held out his hand for his prize. It was a purple dolphin. “’Cause this was my goal. We really don’t need a giant cat.”
Iruka scratched at his blush.
Iruka carried his gift against his chest as they continued to walk through the brightly lit street. Kakashi was actually feeling content and didn’t have a thought about Sasuke until he saw a stall selling pinwheels. He stopped to look at them for a minute. Iruka was happy to stop and look because he found them very pretty.
“This one would look perfect in the flowerbox, don’t you think?” Iruka asked picking a red one as if it was a flower. He said it with such cheer and a bright smile, Kakashi couldn’t help but agree. It wrenched his heart though. Iruka forgot what the name of Sasuke’s village was.
They gathered with everyone else to watch the fireworks display. It was dazzling, but bangs reminded Kakashi too much of explosive tags and bombs. His shinobi control was on perfect display as he didn’t flinch once. A few others around them couldn’t help but flinch.
As the crowds started to retreat after the display, Kakashi pulled Iruka back. “They’re going to play traditional music for the adults near the cemetery. Let’s go listen.”
Iruka was happy to agree. If it made Kakashi happy, or just sparked his interest, Iruka would do it.
The somber music told a very distinct tale even to a pair of uncultured grunts like them. Iruka nestled against Kakashi as they sat on the grass. The backdrop of the cemetery added a darker tone to the music.
It began with Taiko drums, played by shinobi by the look of their bodies. The steady rhythm of a marching beat gave way to rumination before battle, then the charge and clash of warfare. Instead of the clamor and cheer of victory, it was a solemn end of battle. The drums were joined by strings and bells in a funeral march. It ended with a beautiful celebration of peace. But the undercurrent of drums made it clear that peace would not last.
With two stuffed animals and a stuffed stomach, Iruka walked home as if drunk, Kakashi walking stolidly a pace behind.
“What a wonderful evening,” Iruka sighed. “The music was so beautiful.”
“It was. I especially liked the drums.”
Iruka laughed. “That’s a warrior spirit.”
Having left late, the streets on their way home were near deserted. Kakashi’s dark grey eyes were drawn to the Iruka’s loose hair. He liked it better down. He was childlike. Bright and happy. There was only three years difference between them, but Kakashi felt just as bad as having sex with his former student.
He reached out his hand and drew it through the ends. He couldn’t see his face, but he knew Iruka blushed. He wished he could truly love Iruka. It wasn’t even his other raven-haired lover that prevented it. He loved him, but not deeply.
Kakashi prevented Iruka from turning on the lights when they got home. He herded him through to the bedroom. He took the stuffed toys from Iruka’s arms and tossed them to the dresser. He unwrapped Iruka from his yukata.
Kakashi didn’t like sweets, but he was drawn to lick at Iruka’s caramel skin. Truthfully, he wasn’t so much darker than most people in the village, but compared to Sasuke or even Kakashi, he was exotically tanned.
Iruka fell back onto the bed. Kakashi’s lips never left his chest. Iruka petted his hair. Iruka was too tired, he wasn’t even becoming aroused. As his petting grew slower, Kakashi crawled up to lie his head on Iruka’s shoulder. Iruka fell asleep and Kakashi dosed against him.
-----
Kakashi was hanging from the ceiling. He was stripped down to his mask shirt and his boxers. It was cold. So cold. The angle of his arms hurt his shoulders and back. He looked up at his captor with defiance in his eyes.
Ibiki hummed. “Not a single response.”
A bamboo cane snapped against his back. Kakashi briefly shut his eyes in pain, but otherwise, he didn’t react. He was struck again and again, but after the first strike, he didn’t even flinch.
Ibiki raised his hands and formed a hand sign. Ibiki’s sober face suddenly became an evil smirk, his eyes laughing with sadism. He’d henged into Sasuke.
That startled Kakashi. His pulse increased, his breaths came faster and deeper. His skin heated and his hairs rose up. Kakashi could not control his response to seeing Sasuke, even if he knew it was a henge or genjutsu. It astounded Kakashi that fear and love could cause the same panic response.
He barely felt the cane strike his back. He couldn’t take his eyes from Sasuke’s form. He swallowed at the look of sinister pleasure in that face. He couldn’t feel anything but cold. He loved Sasuke, but the circumstance, being in a cell like this, fear overpowered his love for his former student.
His heart was beating with panic. He remembered that feeling. When Sasuke told him he would work on him himself. He tried to pull away, yank his arms from the ropes. He wasn’t weak this time, he could break free.
Kakashi broke his restraints. But he didn’t attack, he pressed his back against the back wall.
Ibiki let the henge drop. His expression was serious. He hummed.
Kakashi felt his body relax, but his breathing hadn’t slowed.
“Absolutely no PTSD response from being bound or tortured. Moderate response to Sasuke’s appearance.”
The one who was canning him approached Kakashi and touched his shoulder. Kakashi reacted like lightning. He grabbed the man and punched him in the face. His body trembled. His eyes barely glanced from Ibiki’s face.
“Sensei.” That was Sasuke’s voice.
Kakashi turned and saw Sasuke right next to him. His eyes dilated. His breathing increased again. The look in his eyes was easily confused for fear, but it was longing.
“Enough,” Ibiki commanded.
Sasuke was replaced with another man. Kakashi’s eyes returned to Ibiki.
“We’re done for today,” Ibiki said. “Let’s go upstairs.”
Ibiki turned and went through the door. Kakashi backed from the second man who took the hint and left first, allowing Kakashi to bring up the rear.
Ibiki led them to a room with a sofa. He gestured for Kakashi to take a seat. Kakashi hesitated. Ibiki signaled for the other man to leave them alone. Kakashi finally sat down. Ibiki brought him a drink. “This contains the antidote to the drug.”
Kakashi glared at him but accepted the drink. Kakashi continued to glare at the larger man while Ibiki stared at the wall, keeping his eyes away from the on-edge shinobi. Kakashi finally started to calm. He had full control of himself again.
“I apologize, Kakashi.”
“I understand.”
“You can leave when you’ve recovered.”
“Am I stable?”
“Yes. It was just the drug that made you panic so much. You’ll be alright. Though, I don’t think you’d be able to face Sasuke.”
“You’re probably right.”
“Go home, Kakashi.”
“It’s hard to thank you for that, but . . . thank you for trying to help me.”
-----
Kakashi felt a tingle in his back as he walked home. Paranoia. He was being watched. Of course, he was being watched; a team of ANBU tracked his every movement.
He entered Iruka’s apartment via the window to escape to relative safety as quickly as possible. He shut the window. He almost felt safe. There was movement to his side. He had his weapons that were taken from him while Ibiki worked with him. He pulled a kunai and turned toward the movement.
The man there gasped and stepped back. He didn’t pull a weapon but took a protective stance.
“Iruka,” Kakashi sighed. He didn’t lower his kunai.
“What’s wrong?”
“Ibiki drugged me so that he could help me with my PTSD. I guess it’s not completely out of my system yet.” He finally lowered his weapon. “I’m a little tense. Just give me room tonight.”
“Okay.”
“Can you make me some tea? Herbal tea. I don’t need any caffeine in my state.”
“Sure.”
Iruka turned his back to him and headed for the kitchen, putting Kakashi more at ease. Kakashi circled around so that he was always facing Iruka but moving to the sofa.
He sat down and tried to relax. Iruka brought him some relaxing tea and sat it on the coffee table. Kakashi stared at it suspiciously. This was Iruka, he wouldn’t poison him. He picked it up and drank it. It was just tea.
“Let me sleep off the drug here,” Kakashi said. “Just don’t come near me for a day to make sure.”
“Okay. What did Ibiki say?”
“I have no PTSD in regard to capture or torture.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah.”
-----
It was one of the few nights he spent with Iruka. They had sex and then Iruka fell asleep clutching him. Kakashi couldn’t sleep at night. He lay there holding his lover.
He was still aching for Sasuke. He held Sasuke like this too. Kakashi felt like an addict forced to live without his drug. He started to wonder if that was on purpose.
He thought about the torture and then the absolute heaven of being with Sasuke. Did the torture make the pleasure so great that he fell in love with Sasuke? Or did he really love Sasuke? It was a disturbing possibility. Were his feelings, his longing, real? Was that why no matter how much he tried to love Iruka, he could only love him so much? Was he brainwashed into loving Sasuke?
That tingling feeling of longing flooded his system.
Yes, Sasuke was beautiful and wonderful in bed, those two things he was certain he could say without influence from any brainwashing. Sasuke had always been beautiful and after having sex with Sasuke, he had sex with Iruka and Sasuke was just . . . more exquisite.
But what about the love and longing? Sasuke had released him from the cell and given him a wonderful place to live, wonderful sex, and affection. After the torture chamber, those were wonderful rewards. That was common in brainwashing. But he hadn’t been given any kind of indoctrination. Sasuke hadn’t demanded loyalty or some act of treason in exchange for those things, just telling him that one thing he already knew.
But Sasuke had saved him from the pain. Did he just love his savior? He had to believe that in order to kill his love for someone he could not have, someone he may never ever see again.
But Kakashi’s desire for Sasuke was strong right now; he got out of bed, carefully removing himself from Iruka’s grasp and went to the bathroom to jerk off while thinking of the Uchiha.
Sasuke smiled at him. Sasuke never smiled. Sasuke smiled for him. Sasuke did love him. Sasuke gave himself to him. Sasuke, the admitted top and sadist, gave himself to him, submitted to him. Sasuke came and held onto him. He could hear Sasuke sighing his name; that deep voice weak and thready with passion saying his name. Sasuke’s face was so beautiful when he came. Sasuke.
Kakashi suppressed the sounds of his orgasm, still aware of the man sleeping in the next room. Afterward, crashing from thoughts of Sasuke and his orgasm, Kakashi cried. Withdrawal from the person he loved, the only person he had ever truly loved, was killing him.
Kakashi had thought about how he would be useful to Sasuke. Maybe be like Shizune, be Sasuke’s right hand. Or an advisor. Or his best and most trusted shinobi. He was planning a life—a future—with Sasuke. He’d been optimistic, looking forward. What an idiot he’d been. Sasuke had said he would send him back to Konoha in a matter of weeks. He’d gotten his hopes up. The one time he began planning his future it was all taken from him.
What if he just left? What if he just ran away and went to him? The thought was like putting a recovering addict in front of a spoonful of liquefied heroin. No, like putting them in that room, but with an impenetrable barrier between them.
He remembered Sasuke’s taste, his smell. He punched the mirror, shattering it and cutting his hand. He fell back against the wall and sobbed. He wanted to go home. Home to Sasuke.
Iruka woke from the sound of the glass. He didn’t even think about it, he opened the bathroom door and found Kakashi sitting against the wall crying, holding his head with a bleeding hand. Seeing a strong man who he admired like this was crushing. Kakashi was falling apart in front of him and there was nothing he could do to help him.
He knelt and pulled Kakashi to him. He believed it was the memories of torture that was getting to him. He didn’t realize it was that Iruka wasn’t Sasuke.
-----
Kakashi never thought he’d be hot again when he was in The Land of Windmills. But now he was stripped down, sweating like never before, and desperately missing that frigid underground room and the cold winds that blew through Sasuke’s village. Luckily, he worked at night. But right now, he just couldn’t sleep; it was too hot.
He took a shower and was thankful it wasn’t humid.
Once dry, Kakashi threw himself onto the bed. The window was open for the merger breeze that was just a degree cooler than the summer air. He looked at the spinning pinwheel in the window box. He closed his eyes and thought about Sharingan painted pinwheels. Cold spread over him as he remembered the windy streets. His mind was drawn to that storm that approached during his last walk through that village. What he wouldn’t give to be in a winter storm right now.
He opened his eyes again to see that damn pinwheel spinning. If it didn’t belong to Iruka, Kakashi would throw a kunai through it. If he wasn’t under watch, he would paint Sharingan designs on it.
Iruka made Kakashi breakfast when he got home, but Kakashi didn’t finish it. He didn’t finish his dinner either. He was becoming more distant and less interested in anything. He was falling into routine and the hopelessness that went with it.
Iruka tried to be upbeat and happy around his him to buoy his spirits, talking about his students or anything at all during meals to distract Kakashi, but nothing helped. Every morning and evening Kakashi ate less, thanked him for the meal, and left the table sooner.
This morning, Kakashi left the table, grabbed a fresh beer, and sat on the sofa. Iruka went over and knelt in front of him.
“Please, Kakashi, tell me what you need. I’ll do anything to make you happy. Just tell me what to do.”
Kakashi looked down at him with lifeless eyes. “If there was anything you could do, I would tell you.”
“Maybe you should talk to Ibiki again. He could help you get over the torture.”
At last, Kakashi smiled. It was a weak smirk, but it was something. Iruka felt warm thinking that he was one of the very few who had seen Kakashi’s face and also one of the few who had seen Kakashi smile, as feeble as this one was.
“It’s not the torture. Torture, I can deal with.”
Iruka felt lightheaded, reminded that the man he loved was deeply in love with someone else. “Tell me his name. Maybe I can get a message to him. If he loves you, maybe he’ll defect. Let me find him for you. I wish I could tell you to go to him, but Konoha would hunt you.”
Kakashi’s irony laced smile eased to a small, warm one. “You are so unbearably kind.” Kakashi leaned forward to put a hand against the side of Iruka’s head and guided him up. He kissed him tenderly, shutting his eyes.
Iruka shut his eyes as Kakashi’s lips teased his own and then he deepened the kiss. Kakashi’s eyes shined when they pulled apart.
“I love you so much, Kakashi,” Iruka whispered.
“I do love you,” Kakashi whispered back. “You deserve better than me.”
Iruka shook his head and opened his mouth to protest, but Kakashi put a finger to his lips.
“You deserve more. I’m a hollow shell now. Only my vow never to kill myself is keeping me alive.” Tears escaped his eyes. “I never loved before. I lost a lot of people who were important to me, but I’ve never been in love until him. You deserve to be loved like I do him, but I can’t give you that. There is something you could do for me, but I would never ask that of you.”
Iruka understood; Kakashi’s tone and the look in his eyes told him what he was refereeing to. Iruka hugged him and wouldn’t let go for several minutes. Kakashi hugged him back, content to let Iruka stay like that. For a brief moment, Kakashi let himself imagine this was his Sasuke in his arms. But the moment was very brief.
“Iruka, you have to go to work.”
Iruka pulled away with wet cheeks. “Will you be here when I get back?”
“Of course. I already told you, I won’t do what my father did. I’ll be here.”
Iruka gave him a quick kiss and went to get ready for work. Kakashi sat on the sofa and drank his beer.
“Goodnight,” Iruka said as he left.
“Have a good day,” Kakashi said. When the door shut and Iruka was far enough away not to hear him, Kakashi said sadly, “I’ll be here.”
-----
Life was just so dull.
Work, training, and Iruka. Kakashi was so bored. Even being imprisoned in Sasuke’s bedroom was less boring than this life. During that time, he could dream of the future, but here he was dreaming of the past.
He woke up early and decided to take a walk rather than wait for Iruka to come home. Iruka was working in the mission office now during the summer break at the academy. Kakashi left a note saying he would not come home before going to work. His walk was aimless like it was in Kazaguruma. He ended up at a shrine. Konoha hadn’t rebuilt the Naka shrine, this was another, much smaller shrine. It was quite this afternoon, but it didn’t look like a shrine that was popular. Kakashi hesitated but decided to go up and pray.
An old priest was sitting near the bells Kakashi pulled before praying. When Kakashi turned to leave, the old man spoke up.
“You look troubled.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Come in for tea.”
“No, thank you.”
“It’s important that shinobi remember what the inside of shrine is made of.”
Kakashi froze, but since he wasn’t moving in first place, only the priest noticed. Sasuke had said that to him. But this wasn’t Sasuke.
“Alright.”
Kakashi followed the old man inside. Kakashi sat at a low table while the priest gathered tea, cups, and tea cakes. He sat down opposite Kakashi and poured him a cup. Kakashi didn’t feel ANBU enter behind him; he kept his voice down anyway.
“Shou?” Kakashi asked.
“Yep.” His voice was suddenly much younger.
“How long have you been here? You couldn’t have coincidentally been here the one day I decide to take a walk.”
“We’ve been using this as a base for spying for over a year. I got myself added to the rotation. I’ve been here a week this time.”
“How is he?” Kakashi tried not to ask too quickly or too desperately.
Shou’s false face became drawn. “He hasn’t relaxed a moment since you left. Stressed.”
“Why? I doubt it’s just because I left.”
“He’s focused on solidifying our situation. We’ve been training hundreds more shinobi to protect our borders. This outpost has seen dozens of our spies moving through it. He knows your situation, about how they’ve been treating you. He was angry.” There was fear in that word.
“Does he know about Iruka?”
“Yes, but he doesn’t hold that against you. He appears to be glad that someone is on your side in Konoha.”
“I still love him. I care for Iruka, but I miss him terribly. Let him know?”
“I’m not supposed to be here or make contact with you. But he knows, I don’t need to tell him.”
“Go back and support him,” Kakashi said. “Try to shoulder his burden for me.”
“I will. I just wanted to see for myself if you were alright. I figured you’d visit a shrine some time. It was my job to protect you after all.”
Kakashi smiled behind his mask. “Yeah. Thanks.”
“I’ll rotate out soon. I can’t pass on a message to him, but I’ll sneak into a report that you’re alright.”
“Thank you, Shou.”
Kakashi went to work that evening a little more at peace even if he knew how stressed Sasuke was and he was unable to help him. If Sasuke was angry, then he cared.
-----
His loyal assessment and planning of the spying mission to The Land of Windmills did help his standing. More information came his way and more important missions were passing through his hands. Some might have been tests to see if the information was leaked, but he was seeing more of what was really going on in the world since he was captured. He was disgusted. Disgusted, but not surprised.
Kakashi needed to cleanse his palate from village politics, Tsunade, even Sasuke. At least it looked like Sasuke wasn’t trying to stab anyone in the back.
He didn’t try to hide his presence when he got home. He needed to get his mind off it all. Training helped, but he needed something more.
He looked at Iruka with warm eyes when Iruka woke up and turned on the lamp. “Let me clean up first,” he said.
Iruka blushed. Kakashi turned away before Iruka could scratch his scar.
He showered quickly and came out to find Iruka still sitting there in bed, awkward as always. Sasuke would have boldly joined him in the shower and dragged him into the ufou, then drag him to the bed to fuck the shit out of him. Iruka was too shy to do anything but wait for him.
Kakashi threw his towel into bathroom and approached the bed nude. Iruka couldn’t stop his eyes from moving down his figure. Kakashi turned out the lamp as he got into bed. Iruka reached out for him, running it down from his hair to his cheek.
Kakashi guided that hand to his mouth and licked the palm. He really wanted to suck on his fingers, but that was something between him and Sasuke. He wanted to stop, but he’d all but promised it with the way he was licking and kissing Iruka’s hand. He took two fingers in his mouth and immediately noted how different the two men tasted. Everything about them tasted different.
Iruka moaned his name and it knifed Kakashi’s heart. He felt like he was betraying Sasuke. He sucked harder, moved his tongue more.
Chalk and ink. Not steel and oil. Even as the leader of a country, Sasuke’s hand was never far from a blade. That thought went straight to his cock. The potential violence in Sasuke was definitely a turn on. Kakashi also couldn’t be sure if Sasuke was going to kiss or bite.
But he didn’t want to think about Sasuke.
Kakashi licked down Iruka’s chest to his slim hips. He liked sucking Iruka off because of how he mused his hair while doing it. How he loved being touched. He was glad Iruka was affectionate. But so was Sasuke.
Iruka wouldn’t let his hips buck up into Kakashi’s mouth. It made it easier to go down on him, but not as fun. It was easier to lube and spread him though.
Once Iruka was hard, Kakashi rose up to enter him.
What was he thinking? Iruka distract him from Sasuke? All he could think was how it was better with Sasuke. Time wasn’t healing this wound, not at all.
He just went through the motions after that. He just let himself remember. Compared to the cold air around them, Sasuke’s skin was warm. Honestly, right now he’d prefer to be on the receiving end. He was a fool to think he could forget him even for a moment. He didn’t really pay attention to Iruka or what he was even doing. He was going to be haunted by Sasuke forever.
Iruka was unaware of any of it. As far as Iruka was concerned, Kakashi was being a good lover. Kakashi bent down to kiss his neck and cheek. Iruka wrapped his arms around his neck. He wanted him close. He pulled him into a kiss. Kakashi filled him again and again, pressing against his most sensitive places.
Kakashi held himself above him with one hand and caressed Iruka’s side with the other. That hand went to his cock, pleasuring Iruka within and without. Iruka came first, his body shuddering around Kakashi’s cock, bringing him to his own orgasm.
Kakashi wrapped Iruka’s smaller body in his arms.
-----
One night, Kakashi was walking from the Hokage tower to the training fields when he felt four men surround him. They didn’t remain hidden long, showing that they were all large men. And they were leering at him. Kakashi stopped, but he just let his shoulders slump.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Kakashi asked. “I don’t want to beat up your men too badly.”
“What are you talking about?” one of the men demanded.
“Nothing,” Kakashi sighed.
“We heard you retired.” The man leered at him and licked his lips.
“And you no longer have your cursed Sharingan,” the man behind him said with a seductive threatening.
“I’ve always wondered what you were hiding under that mask.”
Kakashi waited until the one to his left moved forward. He easily put all four of them down, then looked up at the burly man watching them.
“Did I pass?” Kakashi asked him.
Ibiki didn’t respond, so Kakashi just kept walking. “I didn’t hurt them too bad.”
-----
As the heat dissipated, school resumed. Iruka’s spirits were raised by working with such young promising ninja. He had high hopes for this class. None could compare with Naruto’s year, but this was a lively and talented bunch. He couldn’t laugh at home, but he really enjoyed his job. He probably wouldn’t have been able to survive Kakashi’s depression if it weren’t for the breath of fresh air that were his students.
He was refreshed leaving work this afternoon. He was even more cheered to see Naruto running up to him as he left the school grounds.
“Hey, Iruka-sensei!”
“Naruto!”
“I wanted to ask you and Kakashi if you wanted to get ramen.”
“He should be awake now. I’m up for it if he is.”
This was good, Naruto was bound to raise his lover’s spirits. They chatted along the way to Iruka’s apartment. He told Naruto to wait outside while Iruka went in to ask Kakashi if he felt up to joining them for food.
“Kakashi?”
“Yeah,” Kakashi said from the bedroom. He came out dressed except for his shirt.
“Naruto is outside asking us out for a meal. You mind ramen for breakfast?”
“Yeah, sure.” Kakashi hoped Naruto could lift his spirits as well.
He dressed for work except for his chest piece and mask; he carried those out with him. They made their way to Ichiraku Ramen.
“Welcome!” Teuchi greeted cheerfully.
“Hey, we’ll start with three bowls!” Naruto announced.
Naruto sat between his senseis. “I wanted to tell you I got a letter back from Sasuke!”
Iruka froze. Kakashi looked at Naruto with wide eyes. Naruto handed it to Kakashi.
Kakashi’s eyes conveyed that he was startled by what he read. Then his eyes grew sad and they hesitated on the handwriting.
“When you write to him again, tell him I appreciate his confidence,” Kakashi said and handed the letter back.
“May I read it?” Iruka asked. Naruto handed it to him.

Naruto,
You’re right, I’m preoccupied with building Kazaguruma. I don’t have time for a personal life right now. Building our strength and our defenses is my only priority right now. I have nothing else to talk about and, though I trust you, I don’t feel comfortable talking about that.
I did hear about Kakashi’s capture. He’ll get over it. He’s the strongest of us. At least mentally. He can recover from anything. He survived my brother’s genjutsu and using a Sharingan his body wasn’t meant to support. If he let something like this defeat him, then he isn’t worthy of the respect I have for him. Tell him that if he gets depressed.
Kakashi and Iruka is surprising, but if they’re happy, then good for them. I’m glad you finally accepted Hinata’s feelings; she’s loved you since we were kids. I almost feel bad for Sakura; I think you and she would have made a good match too. I never had feelings for her, but she was our teammate; do let me know if she starts dating anyone.
I should start thinking about a relationship, but I can’t pursue one for a least a few months.
Sasuke

He didn’t know what to make of it. Sasuke at least said that he respected Kakashi and maybe that was true since it took so long to break him. And he approved of their relationship? He handed it back to Naruto.
“You didn’t ask him about his sexuality, did you?” Kakashi asked.
“No, I didn’t think he’d like that.”
“I don’t think he would have. I didn’t want him to know I told you all. He might not care, but I know he wouldn’t like gossip.” He gave Naruto a smile Iruka knew wasn’t sincere. His eyes were fastened to where Naruto put the letter. As well as Iruka knew him now, he couldn’t read those blank eyes. Kakashi finally turned away to concentrate on his ramen. Rather, he stared through everything and he barely ate.
Iruka tried to smile to distract Naruto, whose attention was on him anyway.
“I’m so glad he answered,” Naruto said.
“Was this the first time he answered you?” Iruka asked. He didn’t really want to stay on the subject of Sasuke, but it was what Naruto wanted to talk about.
“It’s the longest letter he’s sent me. Usually, he just says that he’s fine.”
Iruka thought Kakashi might be too distracted now to hear them talk about his other student. “When was the last time he sent you a letter?”
“Hmmm, well about three months ago. Then like four months before that. I send him a letter every month, but he doesn’t respond every time.”
So, they were corresponding while Kakashi was captured. “And he didn’t say much in either of those?”
“Eh? No, not really. Actually, the last two were the shortest. He was like, ‘I’m busy. I’m fine.’”
Kakashi had tiled his head a little toward them, looking out of the corner of his eye at Naruto. He didn’t move for a long minute, then looked away again. Iruka wondered if Kakashi wanted to see those letters. Iruka thought about Sasuke’s elegant handwriting and wondered if there was more stress in it in those other letters. Was that what was on Kakashi’s mind too?
“I have to go in,” Kakashi announced. He ate one more piece of pork and then stood to attach his chest piece. He pulled out some money and left it on the counter without counting it—however much it was, it was probably not going to be enough to cover Naruto’s bill. “Good to see you, Naruto. I would be interested to see Sasuke’s letters to you; I’m concerned about him too.”
“Sure!”
Kakashi slipped on his ANBU mask and leapt away.
Naruto looked at Kakashi’s bowl. “He barely ate anything.”
“He might have grabbed something from the kitchen before I came home,” Iruka lied. He knew Kakashi didn’t eat anything he didn’t place in front of him.
-----
When Kakashi arrived at work, Two Face told him that Tsunade wanted to see him, so he went straight to her office.
“How are you feeling, Kakashi?”
“Depressed, but otherwise fine.”
“Take down your mask.”
Tsunade was one of the few who ever saw his face. She’d treated him enough that he was almost used to her seeing it. Ever since she helped him after being hit by Itachi’s genjutsu, she’d become his normal doctor.
Kakashi pulled down the mask. She narrowed her eyes at his gaunt features.
“You’ve collapsed twice while training.”
“You really should have ANBU stop following me; they must be as bored as I am.”
“Are you eating?”
“Yeah, but my appetite’s been shrinking.”
“Speak with Ibiki.”
“It’s not the torture. I’m just so bored, but I really don’t think I can handle a real mission and I won’t humiliate myself by taking a C or D rank.”
“I want you to get a full examination by Shizune. Afterward, you can go home.”
“Understood.”
Shizune was already waiting for him outside. She took him to the hospital to use their facilities. Shizune had also seen his face, so he wasn’t as shy about stripping.
He may have been thin, but he was still training, and his body was wonderfully sculpted. Shizune was a little more in control of her emotions than Iruka and didn’t blush, but she was clearly admiring him. Before his little trip to the Land of Windmills, he would have flirted with her and suggested they sleep together. It wasn’t that he no longer liked women, but it would be cheating on Iruka.
She ended up with the obvious conclusion: malnutrition and not enough calories for the amount of training he did every night. She sighed at him.
“I know. Eat more.”
“All your wounds are healed though. You really shouldn’t keep that scar wrapped up so much, it’s affecting your skin.”
He looked down at the uncovered scar on his arm. “I don’t want it to be seen.”
She was sympathetic. “Don’t do it so tightly and take it off more often, let it breathe.”
“I will.” It struck him how like Iruka she was. That made it hard for him to lie to her, so he was honest with her. “I don’t know if I can force myself to eat more. Is there something you can give me? I can’t promise to eat, but I promise I’ll take what you give me.”
She smiled. She went out and brought back some pills. “They aren’t like most soldier pills; they give you natural energy and nutrients. Actually, you should talk to Sakura; she’s really has a talent for making pills like these.”
“I haven’t seen much of her. I’ll ask her.”
-----
Tsunade called Ibiki in to see her that same night.
“How is Kakashi doing? Really.”
“I’ve tested him for PTSD responses and I even had a bunch of guys try to rape him. It just amused him. Even if he knew it was test, it should have at least made him tense up, but he had no reaction. Just the memory of trauma will cause a response. He appears to have gotten over the torture and rape. I think Iruka’s assessment of his state of mind is accurate.”
“Getting caught while not having his Sharingan made him doubt his ability to carry out missions without it.”
Ibiki nodded. “A top tier shinobi can’t survive without confidence. Shinobi only know one way of life; it’s hard for him to adapt to another.”
Tsunade sighed. “I wish there was a way to get his confidence back.”
“He’d see through any type of trick.”
“Maybe he just needs a little more time.”
“Time? Will you trust him again given time?”
She stared at him from behind steepled fingers. “I’m not sure.”
“That is likely another source of his depression; he knows you don’t trust him.”
“Do you trust him?”
“I do. I don’t think he’s under Sasuke’s influence.”
“I just can’t be sure.”
“You’ve had Yamanka and I interview him and even look in his mind. What more do you need?”
“If it were anyone but an Uchiha that would be enough.”
“Has Iruka mentioned anything to worry you?”
“No. But he’s not under orders to watch Kakashi.”
“No? Just a dozen ANBU.”
“I fear Sasuke. Kakashi is too close to him. I fear Kakashi might chose Sasuke.”
“You’re pushing him in that direction. How long do you think he can bare the distrust?”
“Why did Sasuke let him get away?”
“You’re certain Sasuke let him go?”
“I am.”
“Maybe he took pity on his sensei but didn’t want to lose face, so he let him escape rather than give him back.”
“Perhaps.”
“There is no man’s loyalty I doubt less than Kakashi’s. But the more you alienate him, the more you push him in that direction. If you think he’s a spy, why did you put him in the center of all our secrets?”
“To keep an eye on him.”
Ibiki scoffed. “Kakashi is loyal. He’s just depressed. Maybe if you showed him some trust he wouldn’t be as miserable. That is the only thing that might make him well enough to go back into the field.”
“He did pass the first few tests I set for him. We’ll see.”
Kakashi is as loyal as a hound, Ibiki thought. But a beaten dog will bare its fangs eventually. And I won’t blame him when he does.
-----
Again, Kakashi warned Iruka that he was going to get up early and leave before Iruka got home.
He wished it was raining or cold because he desperate wanted his cloak. He kept to rooftops as much as possible to keep from being seen. This time of day, he was reasonably sure he’d find Sakura leaving the training grounds. She was a creature of routine and he’d kept an eye on her before the mission to the Land of Windmills, worried about how she took Sasuke leaving the village for good. He hoped she hadn’t changed her habits.
Sakura was exactly where he expected. She was sweaty but not especially tired.
Kakashi held up his hand and gave her a cheery, “Yo!”
“Kakashi-sensei?!” She was surprised, but very pleased to see him.
“I need to ask you for something and I thought I might find you here.”
“Oh? What did you need?” She was upbeat as always.
“Shizune recommended I ask you for a nutrient supplement. I haven’t been eating enough; I just don’t have an appetite.”
“Are you ill?” She was concerned by his lack of appetite.
“No.”
She didn’t really believe him, but she led him back to her apartment. If Shizune sent him to her, then she must have checked him over already. She didn’t continue the conversation until they were safely inside.
“So, is it just vitamins or calories too?” she asked.
“Calories too.”
That concerned her. It wasn’t just not eating properly; it was an issue of not eating at all. “Soldier pills aren’t meant to be eaten every day; you’re not supposed to live on them.”
“I know. It’s just until my appetite comes back.”
“When will that be?”
“It’s not illness.” He paused. “It’s depression. Iruka’s trying to help, but I’ve lost interest in anything and I’m just not hungry.”
“What’s wrong?”
She didn’t know and he would never tell her. “I’m in the administration of ANBU for a reason. Tsunade doesn’t think I’m still capable of going on missions—I agree with her.”
“Why?”
“My Sharingan,” he lied. “I’ve been depending on it for over a decade. I can’t use my chidori effectively. It’s just hard not to be going on missions and people believing I’m incapable of it.”
She understood to an extent; she was always felt inadequate in Team Seven and her talents tended to lean toward healing rather than fighting despite her chakra enhanced strength. She was the one always left behind. The odd man out. She was sure she couldn’t truly understand what he was going through, but she sympathized.
“I’ll have to gather some ingredients,” she said. “I’ll have a batch in a day or two. I’ll bring them by your apartment.”
“I live with Iruka, so you can bring it by there. Let me know how much it costs you.”
“Don’t worry about that.”
“Thank you. I’m very proud of you, Sakura.”
She smiled shyly at the praise.
-----
It was a lovely September day, cooled by a brisk breeze. Iruka finished his work at the academy earlier than normal. He was in a good mood and hoped to buoy Kakashi’s mood with his own.
As he walked down the main street of Konoha, a group of jounin followed him with their eyes. One of them stood and caught up to him and matched his stride.
“Hey, Iruka, how’s Kakashi?” Raido asked.
“Oh,” he was startled. “Well. He’s doing well.”
“Really? That’s good. Haven’t seen him since he got back. It’s good of you to look after him.”
“Huh?”
“You know, after what happened, it’s good to have someone keep an eye on him.”
Iruka tried to figure out what Raido was getting at. Somehow, he didn’t think Raido was talking about looking after Kakashi’s health. Then he realized what he meant. He stopped dead. “You don’t trust him?”
“Well, no, not really. He was captured by the Uchiha.”
Iruka was offended on Kakashi’s behalf. “He isn’t a traitor. He wasn’t influenced by him. I took his report, I saw him examined for genjutsu, I’ve lived with him for months now. He’s loyal.”
Raido put up his hands to appease Iruka’s growing rage. “But it was an Uchiha.”
Iruka puffed up, his shoulders drawing back and his spine becoming rigid. “He is loyal! Anyone who says differently is an ass! You don’t know anything he’s been through or how he’s been recovering. Never suggest he’s a traitor again!”
Raido wasn’t the only one shocked by Iruka’s outburst; everyone in the street was staring at him. Iruka didn’t blush with anything but rage. He stomped off toward his apartment. No one followed him.
Iruka was still raging when he got home.
Kakashi was reading on the sofa. Some days he couldn’t sleep all day and had to escape into his books from boredom when he woke up early. He looked over with wide open eyes when Iruka burst in. He hadn’t seen Iruka angry except for that time when he was yelled at for degrading himself.
“What happened?” he said, standing. If Iruka hadn’t been fuming, he might have been surprised that Kakashi was maskless.
Iruka was so angry he was tearing up. He looked Kakashi in the face and realized he shouldn’t tell him what happened, but he couldn’t hide his emotions, wave things off the way Kakashi could, or lie. Kakashi might let him get away with not telling him why he was upset, but Iruka didn’t want Kakashi to shrug it off.
“A jounin asked me about you.” He feared what Kakashi’s reaction would be. “He thinks . . .” Iruka had to stop himself; Raido hadn’t actually said what he thought. A traitor, brain-washed, unstable . . . he just said that Kakashi needed to be watched.
“He thinks I can’t be trusted,” Kakashi concluded.
Iruka’s eyes widened. “He said it was good that I was watching you.”
More surprising than Kakashi’s correct assumption was his sad smile.
“You knew? You know people think you’re . . .”
“A spy. Yeah, I know. I was tortured, I lost my Sharingan, I’ve retired, I lost . . .” his eyes were lost for a moment, but he stopped himself saying ‘my lover’. “But the fact no one trusts me is the deepest cut of all. It doesn’t hurt as much as it should, but it feeds my melancholy. I have cut myself off from most of the people I knew, but it’s out of apathy and shame. It seems like everyone who knows what happened to me thinks he influence me. You’re the only person who knows what happened who never had a doubt about me.”
“You’re saying I’m naïve.” He couldn’t help feeling a bit offended.
“No.” He took Iruka’s face in his hands. “You’re a good person.” He kissed him.
The kiss cooled Iruka’s rage and eased his embarrassment.
Kakashi wrapped Iruka in his arms and held him gently against his chest. No one had ever held him like this. Except maybe his parents so long ago.
“Thank you for being angry for me; I don’t have the passion for it anymore.”
Iruka teared up. “They don’t know you. They don’t know.”
Kakashi took a deep breath and rocked them a little. “I swear to you: I wasn’t sent back to spy on Konoha.”
“I didn’t need you to swear. I believe in you.”
“Thank you.”
Iruka could feel Kakashi smile against his hair. He melted more into Kakashi’s embrace.
It was only at this moment that Iruka truly realized his value to Kakashi. Yes, Kakashi thought he was kind and appreciated his concern and he apparently liked the sex, but what Kakashi loved was that Iruka loved and trusted him when no one else did. It may have been an insult that it wasn’t Iruka he loved, but someone who loved and trusted him; however, he took that as his own special value. He didn’t see relationships as ownership, but Kakashi was, in a sense, ‘his’; because he fulfilled this role so well, no one could take Kakashi away from him. He felt more secure now understanding his place in Kakashi’s life.
“Isn’t this your night off?” Iruka asked into his shoulder.
“Yeah.”
“I’m glad.”
“Me too.”
On nights when Kakashi didn’t work, he normally still went out to train for several hours to let Iruka go to sleep without Kakashi’s wakefulness to disturb him and Kakashi could do something during his most wakeful time. Not tonight.
Once Iruka had cooled down, he made dinner/breakfast for them both, too hungry to forgo the meal. Kakashi, on the other hand, could forgo the meal, but he dutifully ate what Iruka put in front of him. Well, not all of it.
Neither preferred having sex right after eating. Kakashi could see Iruka wanted to be close, so he herded Iruka to the sofa and just shared each other’s company. Franky, Kakashi’s mind wandered. Even when Iruka spoke, it was hard for him to focus. He bluffed his way through with hummed answers and musing of Iruka’s hair with his lips. Finally, their libidos won out over Iruka’s full stomach.
-----
Iruka had a hard time going to sleep. Kakashi’s arms tightened around him and he shifted so that the side of Kakashi’s face was pressed against his back. It made Iruka smile; he’d never had a lover who held him like this.
As he lay there, Kakashi started rubbing himself against him. Half asleep, Kakashi molested him. Iruka didn’t mind; it felt good. Not only did Kakashi rub his erection against Iruka’s thigh, he let his hand move down to Iruka’s crotch and palm him. Iruka let his eyes close and relish in the attention.
Being that they were still naked and Iruka’s body was still lubricated, it was easy for Kakashi, even while nearly asleep, to enter him. Iruka loved the feeling of being penetrated. The feeling had Iruka’s spine bending back.
Kakashi pressed forward, turning Iruka more to face the top of the bed. Kakashi moaned and his hips began to move in an irregular, but relentless, rhythm. Having been used earlier in the evening, Iruka was relaxed and just sensitive enough to make the sensation even more pleasurable. He was in mindless ecstasy. Kakashi was breathing hard into his neck and so hard and hot inside of him; he came too soon for his own liking. Then he felt Kakashi come inside him.
“I love you,” Kakashi breathed.
“I love you,” Iruka responded in a low voice. Low as it was, Kakashi did hear it. Iruka felt Kakashi stiffen. He fully woke up. The stiffness in Kakashi’s posture filled Iruka with unease. Why did he freeze when he heard Iruka’s voice? Who was he making love to in his sleep?
Kakashi’s spent cock slipped from Iruka’s body. Otherwise, Kakashi did not move. His hand was still on Iruka’s lower stomach, sticky with Iruka’s release.
Kakashi groaned with sleepiness. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
Iruka thought he meant imagining having sex with someone else.
“I wasn’t really awake. I’m sorry I . . . violated you like that.”
Was that really it? “That’s okay. I enjoyed it.”
Kakashi hesitated. He then rubbed Iruka’s sternum and kissed Iruka’s hair. “I did too,” he said in a weak voice. “Wake me next time. Don’t be afraid to tell me no.”
“That didn’t bother me. I like having sex with you.” He paused. “What were you dreaming about?”
“Nothing really. I don’t remember dreaming. Just horny, I guess.” He answered so immediately and naturally that it put Iruka’s fear at ease. “You thought I was dreaming of someone else?” His voice was sleepy and without much inflection.
Iruka took a moment to admit it.
“I wasn’t,” Kakashi whispered with a bit of humor. He readjusted his arms around Iruka in preparation to fall back to sleep.
Kakashi slipped off, but Iruka just couldn’t sleep.
-----
Kakashi woke up before Iruka came home. He really didn’t like being around anyone when he woke up, mission, no mission, even with Sasuke sometimes, he’d rather play opossum than get up in the presence of others. Being alone let him wake up at his own pace. Iruka wasn’t as bad as Naruto, but they were both bright and sunny. At least Sasuke was dark and quiet; it was easier to wake up with him in the room. Mornings were often silent with him.
The sun was on its way down; it was warm, muted sunlight coming through the draped windows. After a few minutes, Kakashi pushed the drapes aside and looked out at the village bathed in reddish gold light. The rebuilt village didn’t quite look right. The architecture was basically the same, but it was more . . . modern. The world was changing. The village looked the same his entire first twenty-nine years. The last two had changed everything. He felt old. Time was leaving him behind.
“I don’t belong in this world,” he whispered.
He didn’t feel like this in Kazaguruma. That village felt more like the Konoha of old. Even simpler. Konoha was a city now; Kazaguruma was still a village.
He opened the window and took in a lungful of warm forest air. The smell of warm leaves and earth. Kazagurma smelled of ozone and damp earth or just the freshest, cleanest air. The scent of Sasuke’s skin and hair.
He shut the window and the drapes. He clinched the opening of the drapes in his hand, shutting off the light more completely. His home felt like a foreign country. Would he ever feel at home here again?
He turned around and looked over the bedroom. It occurred to him that the layout wasn’t much different than Sasuke’s, but it didn’t feel the same. This wasn’t his room, it was Iruka’s, he was an interloper here. The only personal things of his were his books, two framed pictures, and a single houseplant.
Mr. Ukki stood on the dresser opposite the bed. In the winter, the sunlight wouldn’t reach him there, but now in the summer, he was bathed in the warm glow from the covered windows. It had grown taller since he came under Iruka’s care. Kakashi walked over and rubbed one of its lower leaves between his fingers affectionately.
“You like Iruka, don’t you?”
Iruka had other plants, so he was more experienced at caring for them.
He bent toward the plant. “I’m not sure you’d like it in Kazagurama,” Kakashi whispered.
Kakashi straightened up and caressed the orange pot. He took a deep breath and started getting dressed. He resigned himself to never leaving this village, this apartment, this job, this monotonous existence.
But he felt he could confess one deeply held secret with his tiny plant. Dressed in everything but his armor and mask, he bent down again and whispered, “I love Sasuke. I wish I could take you up there. Not as much light, but the air is moist and fresh; I think you’d like that.”
-----
Kakashi didn’t realize until he had to put the date on some paperwork that it was his birthday as of midnight. It made him feel weary. He hoped Iruka hadn’t looked it up, but he was certain the man had. He knew he would return home to find Iruka ready to ambush him.
He spent more time than usual on the training grounds. Sakura’s pills had worked wonders on his stamina, but he overworked himself tonight until he fell to his knees. At least he was hungry now.
He lay down for a minute and looked up at the stars. He didn’t resent being forced to be nocturnal; he liked the quiet and dark. It was lonely, but it was peaceful. He did resent the glow in the night sky that obscured the dimmer stars. The village was so large now that even in the dead of night the artificial lights rivaled the moonlight.
At least it was silent. He walked home slowly, dreading coming home. His instinct was to stick to the shadows, but he didn’t want ANBU to freak out.
The lights were on in the window. Iruka’s was the only window with lights at this time of night. He entered through the door rather than window. Iruka was sitting on the sofa waiting for him. He stood up, nervousness and the light of a smile on his face.
“Happy birthday,” he said once Kakashi shut the door.
“Thank you.”
“I prepared your favorite. I’ll cook it while you take a shower.”
Kakashi lowered his mask, took Iruka’s head in his hands, tiled it down, and kissed Iruka’s forehead. Kakashi’s warm smile made Iruka glow.
Kakashi had to stop and brace himself against the wall as he showered. He really over did it.
Despite his fatigue, he rushed to dry and dress. He just wanted to sit down, eat, and relax. Eggplant miso soup with slices of pork, fish, rice, and cucumber salad. It was a fine feast.
“Would you like tea, water, sake, or beer?”
“A beer and water.”
Iruka brought their drinks and sat down. Iruka made him dinner all the time, but somehow this was special. He reached out and put his hand on Iruka’s.
“Thank you.”
Iruka rubbed Kakashi’s hand. “Eat up; you look tired.”
Kakashi pulled his hand back to eat.
Once he was done, Iruka went to grab a bag. He gave it to Kakashi. Kakashi looked inside was and was startled by its contents.
“Raw hides for your ninken,” Iruka said with a smile. “I couldn’t think of anything for you so I thought something for them would make you happy.”
Kakashi’s smile was wider and more genuine than it was before. “It does.” He put the bag down, stood, and kissed Iruka. “I love you.”
Iruka demurred, a blush dusted his cheeks. Kakashi kissed his reddened scar.
“You have a few hours before you have to go in. Come lay down with me. I’m too tired for sex, but I want you to lay down with me for a while.”
“Of course.”
Iruka had been dressed; he took most of his clothes off to climb into bed with his lover. Kakashi caressed him as he drifted off. He didn’t know why he’d feared coming home.
-----
It was nearly October. Kakashi was distracted thinking about what he needed to accomplish tonight as he walked to work. He was walking down a corridor in the Hokage tower when movement ahead caught his attention and he looked up. And froze. A raven-haired beauty dressed in white stood there.
“Sasuke.”
They locked eyes and Kakashi fell to his knees. Sasuke’s Sharingan blazed brightly in his right eye.
“Uchiha!” Tsunade shouted as she came up beside him.
Sasuke deactivated his Sharingan and broke eye contact with Kakashi.
“Forgive me, Hokage,” Sasuke said in his normal, flat voice. “I was merely greeting my former sensei.”
Tsunade looked at Kakashi who was panting as if he’d just fought a few rounds with the Uchiha.
Kakashi looked up. Sasuke looked gaunt. Even the white kimono couldn’t hide the weight he’d lost. He was paler too; his black hair and eyes stood out more than usual. Yet, he exuded strength, elegance, and confidence. His eyes were sharp and they smirked even if his lips did not.
“No harm done,” Sasuke said. He continued on to the meeting room he was being escorted to.
Tsunade walked over to Kakashi but didn’t get too close; it wasn’t a good idea to approach an on-edge shinobi or someone who might have been put into a genjutsu.
“Kakashi, are you alright?”
“Hai.”
“Go home. Take the next two days off while Sasuke’s here.”
“Hai.” Kakashi stayed on his knees for another few seconds then shakily stood. “I’ll be alright. He didn’t do anything, really. Just his way of saying ‘hello’.”
“Stay away from here until he’s gone.”
“Understood.”
Kakashi slowly made his way home.
-----
Iruka hadn’t gone to bed yet. Kakashi was white as a sheet; his visible face contrasting starkly with his dark mask, nearly matching his white hair.
“Kakashi? What’s wrong?”
“He’s here.”
“Who?” His lover? Iruka was as afraid as hopeful that Kakashi might be reunited with his love.
“Sasuke. Sasuke’s here.”
“Sasuke?! Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I’ll be okay. He’s meeting with the Hokage. Tsunade told me to take the next few days off until Sasuke leaves.”
“I wonder why he’s here.”
“Negotiation between village heads. We are allies, but the incident with me has put a strain on that relationship. It’s good they’re trying to shore up relations.”
“I was worried that you would . . . react badly to seeing Sasuke again.”
“I’m alright.”
-----
Kakashi would be alright now.
“I’ve missed you so much, Kakashi,” Sasuke said inside the genjutsu. “I couldn’t wait any longer to summon you back.”
“I’ve missed you,” Kakashi said.
“My other lovers want you back as well. Without you, I guess I’ve become more cruel.” Sasuke’s smile wasn’t evil or malicious, but genuine. “I’ve missed you immensely. It killed me to send you away. I was too depressed to eat for a while. My people wanted me to send for you immediately. I’ve ached for you.”
“Take me back with you.”
“No. I won’t have us both having gone through all this for nothing. I want you to do something for me, then come home to me.”
“Anything.”
Sasuke’s request wasn’t daunting at all. Nothing was daunting when it meant returning to Sasuke’s side.
- 5
- 6
- 7
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Captured Heart