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Love Me When I'm Gone	By : KittenCobra Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1971 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
6. Longing
When I awoke the next morning I was very disoriented at first. Where am I? What is this? I can feel a light weight across my skin, and I realize there is a light blanket draped across my body. Gaara must have put it there during the night. There also appears to be a small pillow tucked beneath my head. How soundly was I asleep? That is very unusual for me. I am still on the roof, but I am tucked into a corner hidden from view. Gaara is nowhere to be seen. I look at the sun’s position in the sky and I’m surprised at how long I must have slept. I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since my last night at the inn, and after Gaara’s maddening and hypnotic tracings on my skin my body had finally given in.
I sit up and stretch my tired muscles. I have been in nearly constant motion for the last few weeks, never spending too much time in one place and trying to remain unnoticed by the villagers as much as possible. I get up and fold the blanket neatly. I place the pillow atop it. I’m not quite sure what to do with them in the current circumstances, so I decide to just leave them in the corner where I had slept.
My stomach rumbles loudly, and I realize I haven’t had anything to eat since yesterday morning – and then it was only some bread stolen from a windowsill. Oh well… I’ve gone hungry before. The thought reminds me that my peculiar choice for a guardian this time around has left me a bit more lacking in basic necessities than normal. I could attempt to get a job… but it would be impossible to remain unnoticed that way, and too potentially easy to be tracked down in the future. I once made the mistake of befriending an elderly couple in one village I stayed in. They cared for me like their own daughter for over 6 months… and then died horribly; tortured by those who wanted information on where to find me. I will not make that mistake again. I always try to ensure that those I rely on, even in part, are at least moderately able to defend themselves. Gaara seems like he would fare better than anyone I’ve chosen so far. I only hope I can stay with him for a while.
But I do not want to ask for his help, as I normally would. I don’t want him to feel like I am only using him for money. The thought nearly makes me laugh out loud. I AM using him, I chide myself. With Gaara it feels different though. He seems to have no expectation for anyone to truly accept him, or even desire his presence. I honestly feel both, and would hate for him to believe otherwise simply because I can’t afford to feed myself. I drag a weary hand over my face at the ridiculous nature of the life I live… but there’s no point in dwelling on it. I scale my way gingerly down from the roof, and head into town to see if I’m lucky enough to run across some unattended morsel.
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Several hours later I am once again looking down at the courtyard where Tamari and Kankuro are sparring with Gaara. As I arrive, I sit down to nibble on the small treat I managed to gain. As I had been wandering around the town, I had heard a woman in distress. She had managed to lock herself out of her house, and was standing out on her second story balcony. No one else would have been able to hear her distress, and I worried about her becoming sick from the heat if enough time passed before she was found. I managed to scale my way up to where she was located, and after reassuring her managed to jimmy the lock enough to get in. I then told her she truly should have a security bar to prevent that sort of break in, but in this case she was lucky she didn’t have one. She had asked me repeatedly how she could repay me, what my name was, where I was staying.
I just nodded “no” to all of her questions and tried to make my way back outside. After a time my stomach decided to throw another tiny tantrum loud enough for anyone in the house to have heard.
She looked up at me and said, “Oh my… dear… are you homeless? Is that why you won’t tell me your name? How long has it been since you’ve eaten?”
Great… of all the people in Suna, I have to save a mind-reader. Oh how ironic. I immediately tried to dart out of my door, but hesitated when she shouted for me to wait. The next thing I knew… she was running to her kitchen and back to me holding an entire sack full of red bean cakes! I was so desperately hungry… I tried to say no, but she would have none of it.
“Nonsense,” she said, “You take these with you now and eat your fill. I’m sorry I don’t have something more nutritious. You saved me today, and I at least want to repay that favor. Look at me child…” She placed her finger under my chin and forced me to look up into her eyes. “I know what it’s like to struggle on your own, to try to make ends meet as a young woman. I don’t know how you got into this situation, and I don’t really care, but if you’ll let me I would like to help you.”
I feverishly began shaking my head in denial. No way would I allow this woman to associate herself with me. I could not put her in harm’s way like that. She had already been so kind.
“Now wait a moment, and hear me out,” she continued. “You don’t even have to see me again after today. I simply would like to help provide for you. Each morning after the sun rises, come to my balcony here. You can obviously reach it. I will leave a small meal prepared for you on the table outside. It won’t be much, but it should keep you from starving. I don’t expect anything from you in return.”
I had felt the tears well up in my eyes and threaten to spill over. I cast my eyes to the floor to hide my shame.
“Please,” she whispered. “It will bring me comfort to know you are not all alone in this. And… if you are ever injured… if you won’t go to the hospital please at least consider coming to me. My husband was a shinobi before he passed, so I’ve got some experience patching up the rough stuff.”
I smiled, and the tears had finally spilled over. I reached out and hugged her. I simply couldn’t help it! Then I had simply thanked her and left with my bag of bean cakes. I do not want to be a burden on this kind-hearted woman, but if she is willing to do this for me it is nothing short of a miracle in my current circumstances. Like she said, it will at least keep me from starving.
I begin to nibble on a bean cake again, bringing my thoughts back to the present. I stare down at Gaara and realize he is completely distracted from his sparring match with Temari. She comes around with her fan and thwack! – would have hit him squarely in the back of the head if his sand hadn’t come to the rescue on its own. He turns and blinks at her blankly, obviously surprised.
She straightens and simply stares at him with a completely bewildered look on her face. “Hey Gaara… hello?... What happened? One minute you’re hot on my heels, the next it’s hello space cadet! Are you feeling all right?”
He nods to her, absently. I realize a little belatedly that he sensed my chakra when I arrived, and is actively working to pin down my location.
“Yo! What the hell’s goin’ on guys?” Kankuro shouts to them. “Did someone blow a whistle when I wasn’t paying attention?”
“No,” Gaara says simply, and I notice that the normal hostile tone isn’t in his voice.
“Umm… Gaara bro. You’ve been acting super weird lately. Is there something Temari and I should know about?”
“Nothing is the matter,” Gaara spits back at him, and the icy hostility is back in his voice once again. He turns away from Kankuro and Temari. “Nothing that concerns you.”
With that he continues back to his tower, once again leaving Temari and Kankuro frustrated and confused in his wake. I feel bad for them. I am apparently causing them all kinds of trouble, and they don’t even know I exist. I wish that someday I could apologize, but know that will never happen. Whenever things turn sour between Gaara and I – which they always inevitably have before – I will have to leave, and leave quickly.
“Hey,” Kankuro turns to question Temari. “Do you think it could be a woman thing?”
“A woman thing?” Temari asks in a dangerous tone. Her eyebrow is lifted in distain, and I almost giggle at how much she looks like her little brother when she does that.
“You know…” he continues, taking the risk. “Like girl problems. I mean hell… they swarm him almost constantly. It’s bound to happen eventually. I’m not sure he’d even know what to do with himself. Or her for that matter…” he wiggles his eyebrows in a perverted manner.
Temari hauls off and slaps him over the back of the head, and Kankuro exclaims his surprise. “You’re sick!” she spits at him. “I’m sure if it were something like that he would come talk to us about it… Wouldn’t he…?” By the end she sounds unsure.
I instantly feel bad again. No… he won’t talk to them – even if he normally would. That is an explicit part of our arrangement. I carefully pick myself up from my hiding place and dust off my clothes. Goodness… clothing around here gets dirty so fast. I will have to find a place to wash up before I see Gaara again tonight. No doubt he will question me about my presence today.
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As I approach Garra on the rooftop once again, I try to see his right wrist. He has the red-bead bracelet still around it, and this settles my remaining nerves. This is much easier than yesterday. I know he has heard me coming for some time now.
“Hello handsome,” I say as I pause behind him. “I’m sorry if I distracted you earlier. I had just meant to check in and see what you were up to. You seem to enjoy sparring with your siblings.” I had decided to bring the topic up myself to avoid any potential discomfort between us. I go to sit down on the roof like last night, but he holds his hand out to me instead. I take it and he pulls me forward until he is looking into my eyes. His face is blank and composed as always, but there is a new glint in his eyes.
“I wish to try something.” His voice is low and sultry standing here in the moonlight, and I feel a small shudder run up my spine in response. “Are you afraid?”
“No.” I try to explain. “Your voice… it’s pleasing. Sometimes a woman will shudder because she is afraid. But just as many times… she will shudder in response to something pleasing.” I can feel a faint blush on my cheeks.
“How…” he pauses, seemingly uncertain of how to phrase his question. “How would I tell the difference… between fear and pleasure?”
“Ummm…” These are hard questions… “I guess it’s about looking at more of her body language. I would look at her eyes. The eyes can tell you all kinds of things about what a person is thinking or feeling, even if they don’t say a word.” He looks skeptical of my explanation. “For example… I am going to remember something that made me very frightened, and I want you to look at my eyes when I look up.”
I brought up one of my darkest memories – the man who raised me, who I had grown fond of and trusted implicitly. He leans over me with a sick expression of joy on his face. I have just seen him kill an entire small village of people, and he looks… happy. “Isn’t it wonderful dear… think how much we will learn from their bodies!” I have never felt so afraid. I snap my head up to look into Gaara’s eyes. He looks surprised and reaches out to touch my face, but hesitates, unsure of himself. I shake my head to clear it.
“Now,” I say with only a slight quiver in my voice, “say what you first said to me when I walked up to you.”
He looks even more confused, but complies. “I want to try something new…” I let his low sultry voice wash over my senses again. I run a few scenarios through my mind of ways he might want to touch me. I can feel my eyes flutter slightly as my body quivers again. I stare into his eyes, and I know they have heat deep within them.
I can see recognition dawn on his features. “Interesting…” he mumbles, and this time he does touch my face lightly on my cheekbone, just below my eye. He seems to analyze my face, as if memorizing it, for many long moments.
“You said there was something you wish to try?” I ask.
“Yes.” He cast his eyes away from me, not wishing his own emotions to be betrayed on his face no doubt. “I have seen it many times, but I can’t remember ever… experiencing it. Close your eyes.”
I obediently close my eyes and await his move. He has done nothing so far that would even approach hurting or frightening me.
Wow… I actually trust him… How did that happen?
I feel his hands hesitantly brush past my waist moving behind me. I expect him to grab my hips and pull me against his body, but am surprised when his arms continue to circle around behind my back. His chin comes down to rest hesitantly on the top of my shoulder, and I can feel his breath lightly brushing against my back. When he stills, I realize he is hugging me. I can’t help but pick up on his mood. I have never… ever… felt this sense of… peace roll off of him before.
Oh my God… I think with a shock… This is what he wanted to try? THIS is what he doesn’t remember ever experiencing?
I feel tears begin to tickle in my eyes. I remember the red-headed little boy from his memories – his big bright eyes, and hopeful expression – desiring acceptance and love so badly it was a physical ache for him. My hands lift on their own direction, and my arms encircle him, my hands entwining gently in the unruly red locks on the back of his head. He stiffens in response, but gradually relaxes into my embrace.
“Gaara?” I try to make my voice smooth, instead of rough with emotion. “Has no one ever held you like this before?”
My question is met with silence.
“Not even your mother or father?” I try again.
“My mother died in childbirth. I never knew her. My father is the one who had the demon placed within me. He regretted that decision after a very short time, and spent many years trying to get others to kill me off for him.” His voice was so matter-of-fact, it hurt even worse than hearing pain. “Temari and Kankuro grew up with me, and have known me at my worst. They knew me when I killed simply for the pleasure of feeling the blood in my sand. They feared me, and for good reason. I know they have come to… treat me differently now. But sometimes I still see fear in their eyes.”
I can’t imagine the pain of living your whole life without such a simple embrace, or sign of compassion. I can feel the tears threatening again. If I can do anything useful in this life Gaara… I think softly to myself, I want to show you kindness, tenderness, compassion. I want to give you that which was stolen from you. I hope it makes you a better ruler. I know I cannot share my thoughts aloud, he would not understand them. This gives me new resolve though, and a new sense of purpose for my normally painful pattern. Perhaps this guardian will be different. Perhaps I can feel like I am giving something of value, instead of only taking what I desperately need. Gaara needs me…
“Hey… handsome,” I nudge his neck softly with my nose. He stiffens only slightly, and then pulls back to look at my face. “I’d like to show you something – a way we can enjoy this for much longer. Is that okay?”
He nods a confirmation. I take his hand and lead him to lie down against the tile. He follows my gentle physical direction, but keeps his eyes on me trying to determine what I plan to do. I slowly sit down beside him, then lie flat, and then very cautiously curl my body up against his side in an embrace once again. I cradle my head against his shoulder, my left arm draped across his stomach, and my left leg curled over his own. His body remains stiff as a board until I begin to relax my own. Eventually, I can feel him relax completely with his arm wrapped securely behind me.
“Does this please you?” I mirror his question from the night before.
“Yes.” His answer is simple, as I’ve grown to expect. We lie there together, starring out at the night sky, and eventually I feel my eyes drift close again. I could almost swear that just before I drift off to sleep, I feel the warmth of his lips gently brush across my brow.
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Love Me When I'm Gone

6. Longing