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The Pillow Book of Mitarashi Anko	By : JigokuDayu Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 7998 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the Naruto characters. I'm not making any money off this.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
My memories of getting the mark are still quite vague. Tiny shards crop up here and there.
I recall him saying, "I must push you beyond your limits. It's for the best. Don't let me down, my dear." And then his neck stretched out like that of a rokurokubi and his fangs pierced my flesh. He left me in the darkness, in pain.
When he returned, it was colder than it had ever been. I felt his disappointment in me. I'd failed him for the first and last time. The affection I had seen in his eyes just the night before was gone.
He told me I lacked hatred and then something changed in me. I wanted to show him that I, too, felt hatred. So instead of taking his hand, I looked away. I didn't want to be in love with him. Defying him was what I thought I was supposed to do. There was so much anger and hurt. What else could I do?
After I had decided to look past his crimes, hoping he would love me enough to eventually stop, he had turned on me. To receive the curse mark felt like the ultimate betrayal, like I was nothing to him! The love that had meant the world to me since I was orphaned was all a lie. The father figure, the sensei, the lover - it had been an act. He didn't want me. He hated me.
But as soon as the door shut, I came to my senses. He must have been testing me! If I could get him to come back in the cell, I could tell him that I'd figured it out. I'd swear to him that I understood and that he did have my undying loyalty.
I cried out for him, "No, please don't go! Take me with you! Let me stay with you, Orochimaru-sama! I love you!" But it was too late. The door remained locked. The excruciating pain made my head spin fast. My vision blurred. Soon, I passed out again.
Why did he just let me go? Why didn't he come back? Why didn't he simply beat some sense into me? I was a stupid kid. I wasn't smart enough to choose right the first time. If he would have just given me another minute, I could've told him that I still loved him, no matter what he did. That I would give him whatever he needed so that he didn't have to rely on hatred. And if he still needed hatred, that I would help him by hating everyone other than him. Whatever he wanted, I would've done it all for him.
He left and my heart went with him. It remains in his iron grip.
Those things I saw haunted me, but being away from him is worse. That's a callous thing to say, and yet, it's the truth. Missing him hurts so terribly, that I'd overlook his crimes just to be near him again. I might actually kill for the chance to feel his lips on my body one more time. While I know no one else would or could understand, I still love him.
When I was released from the hospital, Jiraiya showed up to fetch me. I hadn't seen him in ages and didn't exactly have a high opinion of him, but he was being unusually nice to me.
"The ANBU tore up your old flat looking for clues," he said, walking beside me. "The Hokage arranged for you to move into a smaller place, where you'll be on your own. You're plenty old enough for that now. And I pulled some strings so you won't have to move any of your stuff. Got some chunin to volunteer for the job."
"ANBU are such creeps," I groaned. The idea of those masked goons ransacking our belongings made me feel violated. "So I guess I can't have any of my sensei's old things as keepsakes?"
Jiraiya patted my back. "There were a few pieces of furniture and linens I managed to save. Plus, I made sure your photographs were treated with respect."
"Thank you. I would really like to have those." I knew I'd be spending a great deal of time staring at those pictures. At least I wouldn't forget what Orochimaru looked like. That was a comforting thought.
He smiled down at me. "Anyway, I thought you could use a day out. So let's go have some lunch. I'm guessing you still like dango?"
I fidgeted apprehensively with my necklace, twiddling it about in my palm and running my fingertips along the pendent. "That would be nice." My voice was faint and lifeless, matching my emotional state.
"Under the circumstances, I'm happy to treat you." His large hand tousled my hair. Seeing what a shambles he'd made of it, Jiraiya made a sound of consternation. He did his best to straighten out my bangs with his fingers. It felt nice, though not nearly as pleasant as when Orochimaru touched my hair.
"Thank you, Jiraiya-sama." I still felt so awful, I could barely look him in the eye. We walked silently the rest of the way to the dango shoppe.
"Here you go!" He handed me my plate of dango, an uneasy smile on his face.
I looked down at my food and sighed. "You don't have to try to cheer me up, Jiraiya-sama."
He plopped down on the seat opposite mine, frowning. "There's more to this outing than that. You could even say I'm trying to cheer myself up. Orochimaru... He was my friend. At least I thought so. Now I don't know what to think." Jiraiya picked up a skewer from his own plate. "But I do know that you cared about him more than any of us," he said before inhaling the dumplings.
"You know?" Then it occurred to me that Jiraiya was well aware that there was some level of romance between Orochimaru and myself. He'd said as much that time we bumped into him at the festival. Unsurprisingly, he didn't raise any objections, given how questionable his own sexual proclivities were.
"Anko-chan, it's clear to me that he was your whole world. And it truly seemed like he cherished you. Out of everyone, you were the last one I ever thought he'd abandon. He looked at you like some priceless treasure that he wanted to keep safe. I've known him for a long time and I've never seen him openly adore another person like that. I'm sorry you have to go through this." His voice never sounded more caring and considerate than it did right then, so warm and light. It was almost hard to believe it was really Jiraiya speaking. At least not the loud, oafish Jiraiya I had been used to.
When I thought about it, Orochimaru did seem to have a look reserved solely for me. Maybe I'm wrong, but I believe he had a secret smile that conveyed the feelings we shared for each other. Around other people, he was cold and guarded, but he shared his tender side with me. If Jiraiya caught a glimpse of it, that had to have meant it was real, right?
In the end, it didn't matter. That intimacy wasn't enough to keep him with me. "He's never coming back, is he?" I asked before forcing down a bite. It was one of the few times in my life when my appetite was non-existent.
He sighed. "I don't want to believe it, but probably not."
There was a crushing sensation in my chest. My tears started to drip onto the table, forming rivulets along the grooves in the veneer. A sniffle broke through, leaving an audible clue to my otherwise silent weeping.
The register of Jiraiya's voice went softer, presumably to keep others from overhearing our conversation. "Look, I'm not ready to give up on him yet, but I can't make any promises. I'm usually the last person he listens to."
"I just wish I could take back whatever I did to make him leave me." Out of some silly hope to control my mourning, I made myself start eating. Something in me said I could suppress the crying if food was being crammed down my throat. As such, I stuffed myself hastily. There were hiccoughs that followed, but I drowned them in azuki soup. The sweet taste made me feel a little less empty inside.
"Hey, it's not your fault." Jiraiya's speaking voice resumed a more natural volume. "It couldn't possibly be your fault. He's on a dark path that none of us could keep him from. Not I, not the Hokage, not any of us. All you can do now is try to get on with your life. Focus on yourself for the time being, on your training. And maybe one day he'll remember there are people here who care about him and want him to come back. Maybe he'll miss us, too."
Jiraiya checked in on me several times over the following weeks. Occasionally, he would bring goodies for me, likely as an excuse to hang around and chat. Yes, I'm pretty critical of him, but during that crisis, I saw his sweet side. He can be quite caring when he wants to be.
The last time he visited me, I had been spending the day moping on the couch. I'd wrapped myself up in a blanket, because I was constantly very cold during that whole dark mess. My photographs of Orochimaru were arranged on the coffee table, so I could stare at them as I stewed in my grief. A box of tissues sat close by, for my intermittent eruptions of tears.
He knocked on the door and yelled to let me know it was him. "Hey, Anko-chan, it's Jiraiya!"
"It's open," I yelled back.
"You shouldn't leave your door unlocked like that," Jiraiya said as he let himself inside. He sharply affixed the deadbolt, as if to drive the point home.
I grumbled, not bothering to get up from my seat. "What for? Who's going to come in here and get me? Orochimaru? Fat chance..."
"Now I know you're still feeling pretty bad, so I thought I could tell you some funny stories about Orochimaru. That might cheer you up." He kicked off his geta and continued, "Like how he can't hold his liquor."
"He told me lots of times that he hates getting drunk. It makes him ill." I scowled, folding my arms across my chest.
Jiraiya came over and hopped up on the other end of the sofa, allowing me some breadth. "Yeah, but did he tell you how he sings that song about tanuki having giant balls?"
"What?!" It was so ludicrous, I could hardly imagine it.
He smirked for a second, then guffawed. "Yep, he'll sing it, then he'll start vomiting all over the place. He's a total lightweight when it comes to booze!"
I laughed a little, then instantly felt guilty. I wasn't ready to be angry at Orochimaru, so I fired back at Jiraiya. "Well, he told me some of your dirty secrets. Like how you used to drag him to brothels and the sorts of things that went on there!"
"Well, what can I say? I love the ladies and the ladies love the Toad Sage!" He grinned from ear to ear and the ruddiness of his face intensified.
I rolled my eyes at him and sneered. "Pfft, it hardly counts as love if you have to pay them!"
"It counts more than having your sensei take advantage of you!" he yelled. Nostrils flaring, Jiraiya glowered at me.
I shouted back, even though my teeth wanted to clench down and grind from rage. "Orochimaru didn't take advantage of me! You went too far... Just go! Leave me alone! You don't understand my feelings for him!" I leapt to my feet and pointed towards the door, carelessly letting my blanket fall to the ground.
His remorse appeared to set in quickly, as his voice lightened and his features drooped. "Gosh, I'm sorry! I'm really sorry, dear. I shouldn't have said that." Jiraiya got up and moved closer. He put one hand on my shoulder and gingerly scratched the back of his neck with the other. "Only you sort of hit a nerve, when I thought this was supposed to be about trashing Orochimaru."
I wanted to break his hand off, but my strength began to flee from me. Soon, the flash of anger gave way to sorrow once again. "I don't want to trash him," I wheezed. There was an awkward sensation in my face. It took me several seconds to discover it was my chin quivering. Losing the inclination to gnash, my teeth were overtaken by clattering.
He let his arms fall as he looked away from me. "I thought everyone liked to trash people after getting hurt by them. Orochimaru and I used to trash Tsunade all the time when she started acting too good for us," he sighed. "It was kind of a bonding experience with him."
I curled up in a ball on the couch. "Not me. I want Orochimaru to come back! And I'm not your 'dear.' Only he calls me that. I'll never love anyone except him, so don't think you can get fresh with me!"
"Uh, sorry, Anko-chan. I didn't mean it like that, I swear!" Jiraiya picked up my blanket and draped it across my back. Then he sat down next to me and patted my head. "Let's be friends again, all right? You know I miss him, same as you."
"You want him to be your 'dear?'" I scoffed, turning slightly to give him a sour look.
Jiraiya put a finger to his chin. "He is awfully pretty..."
"Sheesh, take a cold shower!" I hid my face with my hands. "'Horny Toad Sage' is what you should be called!"
"Okay, okay!" he laughed. "I was just trying to lighten the mood with a little good-natured teasing." He tone grew worried all of a sudden. "Hey, are you crying?"
It was true. Without even realising it, I had broken down, sobbing. "He is so pretty... And I'll never get to touch him or feel his arms around me again, because he hates me now!" Uncovering my face, I reached for a tissue to dab my already-raw cheeks.
"I'm sure he doesn't hate you, Anko-chan. Look, he's just confused. Orochimaru has always been in a lot of pain and he doesn't handle emotions well. He copes by hurting those of us who care for him most and shutting himself off from the world. Since he won't let us help him, we'll have to wait for him to work through this on his own." Jiraiya got another tissue for me, knowing instinctively that I would need more.
I took the proffered tissue, drying the newest tears from my eyes. "He put that mark on me. And I wasn't strong enough. He must hate me. I hate me. How can I go on without him?"
"I'm sure he cares about you more than he even knows. And what's more, I care about you." He took my free hand in both of his and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Have faith that somehow, someday, he will come back. Because when he does, he'll need your love for him."
"Jiraiya-sama, please don't tell anyone how I feel about Orochimaru. Unless you find him. If you do, then please tell him how much I love him!" I cried more, though my eyes were becoming painfully dry. "Life doesn't mean anything without him. It's just emptiness. I was lost and suffering when my parents died, till he found me. He promised to be with me forever! Now I hurt even worse. It's not enough to live for myself when I can't stand myself."
"The two of you are a lot alike," he sighed, frowning.
Finally out of tears, I looked up at him. "How?"
Jiraiya continued to hold my hand as he spoke. His tone was even graver than before. It was the saddest I have seen him get out all the times I've been around him. "He didn't say those things, but he often had that look in his eye. That look of pain and resentment."
"I wouldn't look this way if I had him back. I don't know exactly what I did, but it feels like somehow I failed him." I tossed my damp tissue in the nearby waste bin, then I grabbed Orochimaru's portrait and held it close to my chest. Jiraiya let go of my other hand, possibly to let me hug the portrait more tightly.
He slung one arm around me. "I know you don't want to be mad at him, but you'll have to allow me to be a little angry. He's cruel to turn his back on you. He wanted to save you from what he went through, only to put you through worse. And you would still forgive him? Love like that is rare. He's a fool to give it up. Orochimaru needs to open his eyes and see it."
"I guess so," I mumbled as I put the picture back on the table.
"That reminds me. There's something special I wanted to personally make sure you got." Jiraiya reached into his haori and took out a picture frame, which he then handed me. "Orochimaru left this behind. It's his old photo of our team. You should hold onto it. This way, you can remember me, too. That is, unless you change your mind and decide you do want me to get fresh!" He laughed and playfully nudged my chin with his knuckle.
"You pervert!" I chuckled a little at that and wiped my eyes again. "Thank you, Jiraiya-sama. This is so sweet." Seeing Orochimaru so young, along with the other Sannin and the Third Hokage made me smile. I'd caught a glance of it before, but now that the photo was entrusted to me, it took on a much more special meaning. They were all adorable in it, with Orochimaru looking especially cute. It made me feel warm inside for the first time since that horrible day.
"So we're friends?" he asked with hopeful eyes and outstretched arms.
"Yes, we're friends." I set the picture down with the rest of my photos and hugged Jiraiya tightly. It was really nice, as it felt like a genuine hug. Not like some of the stiff, detached hugs a few people had given me since I came back to Konoha.
He pulled away after a minute, but left his hands on my shoulders. "Now remember what I told you about focusing on your training."
I nodded and smiled at him. "I will. I've just needed some down time. That, and I'm still having bouts of pain from the mark. The medics told me to take it easy till it calms down. The attacks have become further spaced apart recently. I'm sure I'll be ready soon enough."
His sizable arms embraced me once more. "I'm glad to hear that."
Jiraiya was out of the village a lot following that. When he did return, he seemed to avoid me. I think it was because he was afraid of telling me he couldn't get Orochimaru to come back. It saddens me that we so seldom have the chance to speak. I would like to apologise for all the times I was such a bitch to him. Maybe he deserved a few of them, but I'm sure he's suffered enough. He's the only one who knows about my feelings (at least back then) and he's likely the only one who would have any sympathy.
After several weeks of being out of sorts from grief, I found the energy to follow Jiraiya's advice about training. It wasn't about regaining Konoha's trust or some kind of penance for my involvement with an S-class criminal. I threw myself into training to prove that I wasn't garbage to be thrown away. I wanted to show Orochimaru that he was wrong to let me go. If I could be the best of the best, maybe he'd reclaim me. Not that it worked. Yes, I've done well, but I'm still far from the best. It's no surprise he hasn't taken me back.
Throughout the remainder of my teens, I tried to convince myself I hated him. It became a daily mantra. I would tell myself the only feelings I had for him were loathing and revulsion. But then every time I got undressed to shower, I'd see the curse mark in the bathroom mirror. My defenses would crumble and I recognised them for the flimsy lies they were. The love and the longing would return in full force. No matter what I do, I remain nothing without him.
Then, after a few years, I accepted the fact that I can't hate him. Nor can I hate what he's done. There is only love for him within me and my love is only for him. So I retreated into a more comfortable fantasy life. In my private world, I had the beautiful memories we shared, as well as my dreams of what might still be. I was alone, but I'd known my great love. I was content the same way an aging widow is content that no one can replace her late husband.
But now, the more I think about it, the more I think he's right about the world. How are the rest of us any better than him? We kill countless people, but it's supposed be all right when it's for the sake of our village? I've lost track of how many kills I've amassed merely since I became a special jonin.
Orochimaru kills for his dream. His victims are sacrifices to bring about a perfect world. In the world of his vision, war will end forever and everyone who died will be resurrected. It'd be a real heaven and right here on earth, with Orochimaru as God. Even if that is a madman's dream, there is something noble and beautiful about it. Yes, I am the mad girl who fell in love with her god and wants to see his perfect world. I can't condemn him when I don't think his ultimate goal is evil.
Each time I get some wild notion of fleeing Konoha and seeking out Orochimaru, I lose my nerve. I'm still here, obeying the Hokage and doing what's expected of me. I'm a hypocrite and a coward. Is it any surprise he doesn't want me?
Something funny did happen to me yesterday. I was sitting under a tree during my break, going over some paperwork for the upcoming chunin exams, when someone came up to me.
A loud, overly peppy voice drawled, "Hi there, Anko-san! Life treatin' you good?"
I looked up, despite not really needing to. I could recognise that voice anywhere. "Hello, Gai-san. Can I help you with something?" I replied, standing up to address him.
"No, no... I just saw you there and thought we could have a little chat." He started doing stretches as he spoke. "So how are you these days, Anko-san?"
"I'm all right, I guess." I shrugged my shoulders. Gai doesn't speak to me that often, but he's not like Kakashi. Instead of reading smut or trying to act 'cool,' Gai is usually working or training. For that, he does have my respect, even if he loses points for sheer dorkiness.
With a snap, he dropped to the ground to do some one-handed push-ups. Without missing a beat, he continued talking. "Fantastic to hear! I've been great, myself. This new extended workout regimen of mine is amazing. I can really feel the burn!" He did a quick flip and landed on his feet for some kicks and jabs at an imaginary opponent.
My jaw fell to the ground. "Extended?! Don't you already train in your sleep?"
"Yes, but I was still wasting valuable time not training during meals and showers. This programme I'm on now teaches you how to exercise and jog in place without spilling food or dropping the soap!" He demonstrated it there. It was - well I don't think I could properly explain the movements he was doing. Maybe like some folk dance from a far-off country, that requires immensely strong leg muscles and great control of the upper body? One thing is for sure; I wouldn't be able to do it!
"Sounds like a useful skill to have," I giggled. "Especially in a public shower, unless you're into that sort of thing!" I bit my tongue when I realised what a lewd joke I had made. God, the things I blurt out! Seriously, I have no social graces.
Fortunately, my idiotic babbling didn't seem to dawn on him in the slightest. He simply went on. "Well, enough of this idle banter. There's something more important I wanted to talk to you about." Gai finally stopped exercising and turned to face me. "I heard Kakashi asked you out."
"Who told you that?" I screeched. Damn gossips in this village!
"Now, now, I can't reveal my sources. But seeing as you turned him down," he paused to give me the thumbs-up and a flash of his gleaming smile, "How about going out with me, instead?"
I screamed at myself internally, don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh! But despite my efforts to hold it in, part of it slipped through one nostril in a snort. I hurriedly pulled out a tissue and turned away from him to wipe my nose, so that he would think it was just a sneeze I'd been suppressing. When I finally settled myself down, it occurred to me what was really going on.
"Gai-san, I don't think you really want to date me. This is just another one of your crazy competitions with Kakashi, isn't it?" I gave him a subtle, knowing smile.
He froze in place for a moment, then shook it off. "All right, you caught me!" He chuckled a bit. "But it's still important that I beat him. I must prove that I'm stronger."
"I get where you're coming from, but the thing is, I don't want to date anyone. I'd much rather be alone." I gave a polite smile. "Though if you and Kakashi were the last men left on Earth, I'd prefer to start a family with you, no question. And you can tell that to Kakashi!" My smile expanded to a full-on sly grin.
"Will do!" Gai exclaimed, his chest suddenly puffing up. It could have been pride, but it also could have been a deep breath since he flipped again, this time into a handstand. He went off on his way, walking on his palms. "So long, Anko-san!" he said, shortly before disappearing over the horizon.
I do wish I could be there to see Kakashi's reaction when Gai tells him what I said. That'll show the creep!
I just had the sweetest dream imaginable. It was the kind of dream that makes me want to sleep forever, as it clarifies how ugly the real world actually is.
It was dusk. I was eating dango on a bench in a lovely garden. Though I didn't see him at first, I could sense he was there beside me.
"You've got some syrup on your chin. Here, let me get it for you." He moved a little closer, while his tongue crept out to lick the sticky smudge off of my skin.
The scene changed to my bed. His lips were against my ear. He breathed, "I love you, Anko-chan."
"Oh, Sensei," I cried. "I love you, too!" We were making love. My fingers were lost in the black tendrils of his hair as we kissed. "I never want to be apart from you."
Orochimaru looked deeply into my eyes. "You won't be. I'm right here. I won't go anywhere without you."
Why couldn't it have been real? Stupid dream. My sub-conscious is a rotten tease!
Sensei, why do you hurt me like this? I felt I had no right to demand things of you, and accordingly, I am left with nothing. Loneliness and memories are not satisfying! How am I supposed to go on pretending each day that everything is fine?! I am sick of being without you. Our closeness was the one bright spot of my life. It was the one thing that made me whole. I exist here in an icy hell; the dreadful distance from the one I would call my god. Yes, being far from your warmth is hell. Your arms are not nearby for me to take refuge in, nor your long hair and clavicles to hide my eyes from the grotesque reality I'm trapped in. I am lost.
- 5
- 6
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The Pillow Book of Mitarashi Anko