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Crossing Rubicon's	By : Saphri Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1427 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters portrayed in this story. I make no money from writing this fanfiction. I write purely for my own amusement and the amusement of fellow fans.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Synthetic Fear's
o0o
It had been little over two days since Kakashi's departure and already Rin was starting to miss his presence. Not that this was a shock by any stretch of the imagination. It was just her luck that as soon something between them was starting to happen, it came to an abrupt stop. But something was happening; something good and her stomach fluttered each and every time she thought about it. She never thought his kiss would make her feel so weak at the knees, but it had felt better than she had ever imagined and she craved it more and more each day.
She sighed wistfully as she strolled down the empty corridor, her heels clipping on the white tiled floor as her thoughts endlessly floated around the man that had once again stolen her heart. She hoped that he was alright, where ever he may be. She knew she would be beside herself if anything should happen to him. Thoughts like these had haunted her over the past decade, with no direct way of contacting him all she had to rely on were the rumours of the legendary copy nin whenever they drifted her way.
Upon exiting the corridor she immediately turned to her left and ventured towards the mortuary office as she clasped the thin brown folder to her chest. She pushed her way through the glass door without knocking, having been instructed to do so by the nice mortician. Now that was a job that Rin felt she couldn't do. Ninja weren't required for embalming processes anyway, but she didn't think she could prepare the dead for display. Her own job was quite morbid but informative. Embalming was just plain creepy in her book but she had the utmost respect for anyone that could do it.
Rin closed the door behind her before stepping towards the desk. The mortician, an aged lady - Akita, was sat hunched over it, scribbling notes onto a form. She lifted her head, her face lighting up when she saw Rin standing at the head of the table.
"Good morning, my dear. How are you today? Settling in nicely I expect." Akita spoke softly with a warming smile. Rin grinned back as she placed the thin file on her desk and stepped back.
"I guess you could say that. I've come with the files on the deceased. Would you like me to bring the body down to the morgue?" She asked, folding her hands in front of herself. Akita waved a hand dismissively at her as she focused on her forms again.
"No, no, that won't be necessary. I'll have my assistant come pick him up when she gets here."
Rin nodded her response before turning on her heel and making her way back into the corridor.
The dark haired medic-nin was quite enjoying her new role in Konoha Hospital. She still couldn't quite believe that the position had been offered to her out of all the applicants that had shown interest in the role. Just goes to show that she had to have done something right, regardless of how nervous she had felt in the interview.
Everyone had been so friendly and helpful these past two days it was hard to believe that she had ever really left. They all acted like they had known her for years, it was so nice and refreshing. Back in Lightening she was lucky if anyone uttered a mere 'hello' her way. Konoha was like a whole different world compared to the one she had spent the last ten years of her life. It truly felt good to be home.
With her shift almost over, Rin decided to go and prepare herself for the journey home, well, Kakashi's apartment. There was laundry to be done and a few bits and pieces she needed to pack away ready for her move into her new apartment. That and she had arranged to meet Kuranai for a quick cup of tea and a chat. It had been so long since she had seen any of her old class mates and needless to say that she was quite looking forward to it.
She wandered through the maze of pristine clinical corridors until she reached the foyer at the front of the complex. She absently noticed three nurses huddled together at the large reception desk, files in hand and indulging themselves in their senseless gossip. Rin had no desire to involve herself in the rabble, having no interest for hearsay and rumours. She ignored them as she strolled past until a piercing squeal ripped through her ears.
"Oh I know, right? He is like, the most gorgeous man ever!" One girl quipped, punctuating he speech with a fit of girlish giggles.
"Tell me about it! I always melt when he smiles. You're so lucky, I wish I was the one doing the screenings this year." Another sighed as the others murmured their agreements. The last statement caught Rin's attention. If they were talking of screenings, the girls were discussing a shinobi. Rin found herself curious to know exactly who they were talking about as she turned on her heal and stalked towards the counter. The three girls didn't seem to notice her as she entered the small group to discover an open file on the counter top with a very familiar face staring up at her from the pages. These girls were talking about Kakashi. Rin felt the jealousy boil over in her gut as a relentless heat began to bleed through her cheeks. Powerless to stop herself, she snatched file from the counter and folded it under her arm, much to the dismay of the young girls ogling over her man.
"How unprofessional! You should be ashamed of yourselves! This is confidential patient information and you should know better!" Rin snarled bitterly as she watched all three of them hang their heads shamefully. None of them uttered a sound as Rin continued to speak.
"It's bad enough that you're discussing patients in a concerning manner but to do it in public is completely irresponsible. I'm in the right mind to report all three of you to Shizune for this." Rin's voice had softened to a tone of pity as one of the girls lifted their eyes shamefully before dropping them back to the floor. Sighing she lowered the folder to her hand as she shook her head at them. "I won't say anything, but don't let this happen again. You know it's against hospital policy to discuss patients, okay?"
She waited a few moments before the girls nodded. Rin hummed as she walked past them, back the way she had come. Leaving the girls to think on what had just happened.
Entering Shizune's empty office, Rin stepped over to the desk and tossed the file back onto her desk. She thought perhaps she had been a little over dramatic with the girls at the front desk. They hadn't really been doing anything wrong, not technically anyway. Rin screwed her mouth distastefully as she replayed the event in her mind.
It was her jealousy that had sparked that initial anger to stir in her gut, something she thought she had put to rest a long time ago. She hated the feeling of jealousy but it seemed that it was something she still hadn't grown out of.
Sighing at her own stupidity, Rin leaned over the desk and scooped the folder back into her hand. Perhaps she would be able to apologise and hand the file back to the girl who would be dealing with Kakashi's screening. He must be due a screening sometime soon if the file was in the hands of a rookie nurse.
As she stepped back from the desk, a sheet of paper fluttered out of the folder, and landed softly back on the desk. Quickly snatching it from the table, Rin opened the cardboard file in her hand to simply pop it back in, when the picture she saw earlier stared up at her again.
She hadn't taken much notice of it before, all she knew then was it was Kakashi's face, but the more she studied it now, the more she felt that she didn't recognise him.
Rin felt herself frown at the young man in the photograph as she tried to determine if it was actually Kakashi she was looking at. According to the file, the photo was taken around two years after she had left the village making him little over twenty years old. But he looked much older than that in the picture. Sunken eyes and a deep scowl set him in his late thirties. He looked miserable, and more than likely, knowing how he dealt with his own emotions at times, he probably was. Something quite unpleasant stirred in her chest as she came to the conclusion that she had had a hand in making him feel that way.
As she peered deeper into the file, a sick sense of guilt settled into her stomach, causing her to snap the folder shut. She had just this minute scolded a few teenagers for delving into a patient's medical history without authorisation and here she was doing exactly the same thing.
She stood in the office for what seemed like hours as she tried to gather her bearings before spinning herself around and stalking back into the corridor. That one little photograph had forced her to rethink this whole scenario and the fluttering feeling of ecstasy she had been experiencing since the moment Kakashi had kissed her had transformed into a sickening knot of doubt.

As she sat at the glossy table, resting a cheek in her hand as she stared at the clock over the counter, Kuranai began to wonder just how long she had been waiting. Rin was supposed to turn up over fifteen minutes ago.
Despite not seeing her old friend for such a long time she was certain that Rin's hatred for tardiness hadn't changed a great deal. Kakashi had always been at the rough end of the woman's temper each time he had been due to appear and did so several hours late. Just at that moment the bell hanging above the door chimed, causing Kuranai to turn her attention to the new comer.
Rin was walking towards her at an unusually slow pace, well at least she had finally shown up.
"It's about time! I was getting ready to stand you up," The crimson eyed woman teased as Rin pulled out the opposite chair and plopped herself down.
"Yeah, sorry. I had some ... some things to do," She responded listlessly. At no point did the pretty woman make eye contact, another trait that Kuranai was finding quite odd. She just sat there, an unreadable expression on her face as she stared at the floor. Only a few days ago she had been so full of life, obviously very pleased to be home, and now she looked miserable. This was a very big turnaround that sparked a pang of unease in Kuranai's mind. Folding her arms over the table top, Kuranai leaned forward hoping to gain Rin's attention but failed.
"Rin? Is something the matter? You don't seem yourself today," She asked softly. She watched her friend blink slowly, almost like she was waking from a dream before she looked up and made eye contact with her. Her dark eyes flitted about her face momentarily before she dropped them to the table and swallowed hard.
"Kuranai ... you're my friend, right?" Rin croaked. Her voice trembled a little as she spoke making Kuranai's concern for her to grow. The question sounded strange to her ears, why would Rin need confirmation of their friendship? She frowned a little, crossing her legs under the table.
"Of course I'm your friend, Rin. Why?"
"Well ... uhm ... can I ask you something?" Rin shifted awkwardly in her seat, stealing a glance to her left, as if the very notion of the request embarrassed her. Kuranai sat back in her chair as she nodded. "Sure you can. What's wrong?"
A brief silence settled between them as Rin seemed to fight for words. Her shoulders jerked unevenly as she rubbed her hands together. Something was terribly wrong; Rin had always been a nervous creature, but never to this extent. Eventually the pretty medic glanced upwards, straightening herself in her seat.
"When I left the village ten years ago ... how did Kakashi take it? He wasn't ... you know ... hurt or anything?" Rin winced at her own question as her eyes darted around Kuranai's face again. What she was struggling to understand was why Rin was asking her in the first place. It was quite surprising that her and Kakashi hadn't already spoken about this when she came back. Glancing away briefly Kuranai puffed out a sigh as she turned the question over in her head.
"Well, none of us knew where you'd gone. You just ... disappeared. No one really saw that much of Kakashi back then, he was involved with the Anbu as far as I recall so I don't really know how he took it." She shrugged as she watched Rin drop her eyes back to the table. Her lower lip quivered a little and she now looked on the verge of tears. "Oh," She muttered absently, dropping herself back into the chair.
"Rin, what's going on? Has something happened?"
Rin looked up at her again, fresh tears pooling in her eyes, making them glisten in the sun that beamed through the windows. She took a deep breath and let it out shakily as she seemed to compose herself.
"Remember that night, in the club?"
Kuranai nodded.
"Kakashi ... he tried to kiss me. We were interrupted, but it was still there. He tried to kiss me." Rin sucked on her lower lip, obviously struggling with her emotions as she glanced back towards the floor.
"So? I thought you were crazy about him. Surely that's a good thing?" Kuranai quipped, she giggled a little at the thought. She knew something was going on between them and by the way they had both dropped quiet when Genma had been to collect them it was painfully clear that something had happened outside. The one thing that surprised her the most was that Kakashi was the one to make the first move. She had been almost certain that Rin would have been the one to move in on him. As usual the copy nin was full of surprises.
Rin shook her head slowly, not once lifting her gaze from the tiles. "That's not it. That was just the start of it. I didn't think he felt that way about me, he never showed any signs of it before," she murmured.
"Rin, this is Hatake Kakashi we're talking about. Since when has he showed any interest in anything other than his books? Just because he doesn't show his feelings doesn't mean he doesn't have any."
"I know. But a couple of days later, the day he went away ... he kissed me ... he really kissed me." Rin's voice dropped in pitch as she spoke, almost like she was talking to herself rather than her friend on the opposite side of the table. She lifted a hand and touched her lips gingerly with her fingertips, clearly recalling the event in her mind. Kuranai frowned as she sat back in her chair.
She was having trouble figuring out why Rin was getting so upset over it. She'd had a thing for the copy nin since before she could remember. As far as she was concerned this simple kiss had been a long time coming. It was obvious to her that Rin still had feelings for him and by the way Kakashi continuously sniffed around her lately, she was certain he felt pretty much the same way. They were always together since the day she had returned from wherever she had been, so this step was simply part of the natural progression.
"I don't see what the problem is. You've wanted him since you first met him. This should be a dream come true, right?" Kuranai grumbled as Rin darted her eyes back to her.
A shock of utter fright lurched across her dark eyes as a tear slipped free and rolled down her cheek. The expression caught the dark haired jounin off guard as she tried to judge what the look was trying to convey to her.
"Rin...?"
"Kuranai ... I think I've made a terrible mistake..."

It had been a long time since Kakashi had wanted to get back to the village so badly after a mission. After dropping off the supplies at the dock he had made orders of his teams' departure instantly. Under any normal circumstances the journey back would have taken at least four days but they had managed it in just over two. This was great achievement in his eyes and one that he could see himself paying for within the next couple of days. Every single muscle throbbed from overuse and by the way the other two were lagging behind, they were suffering too
The welcoming gates of Konoha were in view and a warm sense of gratification filled his being as the huge wooden structure loomed on the horizon. He felt a smile come to his concealed lips at the mere thought of seeing Rin again. There had been moments out in the field where he had almost convinced himself it had all been a wonderful dream. Lucky for him that Sakura had taken quite a shine to his old team mate which confirmed that it was all very real.
Throughout most of their small delivery mission, the pink topped medic was asking a lot of questions, far more than usual, about her new found heroine. Kakashi answered most of them the best he could but it didn't take long for her to start digging into more personal territory. Kakashi had never felt particularly comfortable talking about his personal issues, especially not with his team mates, so he had done his best to skirt around the issue.
He took a quick glance over his shoulder towards his flagging team. He chuckled a little at them as he started to slow his own pace. Both of them liked to think they could keep up with him but he still out ran them every time.
Kakashi slowed right down to a slow stroll, turning back towards the gates and it didn't take too long before Sakura caught up with him, Sasuke not that far behind her.
"So, what's first in your agenda, sensei?" She quipped flashing him a warm smile. Kakashi rolled his eyes at her; he was more than aware that she was fishing for more details about his so called love life. Why she found it so interesting he would never know.
"The first thing I plan to do is go home and get some sleep," He answered with a little enthusiasm that made it sound a lot more exciting than it really was. He heard Sakura sigh irritably obviously not fully content with his answer.
"Okay. Then what?"
"Well, once I'm done sleeping, if I'm feeling really adventurous, I might have something to eat," he deadpanned.
"Ugh! Sensei you're impossible! What about Rin? Aren't you going to take her out or something?" Sakura ground out her light trot quickly turning into a stomp. Kakashi frowned as he turned his head towards her. "And why would I do that? Rin's probably already eaten."
Sakura scowled at him distastefully. "You're an idiot." She grumbled as she seemed to grasp that Kakashi wasn't playing the game by her rules.
"Why thank you. It's nice to know you think so highly of me, Sakura," He snorted giving her one of his trademark eye creases in the process.
It didn't take long for them to reach the gates of Konoha, once past the threshold of the village the group came together for their farewells.
"So, mission complete." Sasuke droned, folding his arms across his chest and cocking his hips to one side.
"Indeed," Kakashi nodded. "Make sure you get your reports in to the Hokage within the next couple of days and I'll see you next time," He ordered softly. The others nodded in agreement before turning on their heels and setting off into the village proper. Kakashi stood back and watched them leave, smiling a little when Sakura hooked her arm through Sasuke's, quite possibly to the young Uchiha's dismay.
It felt good that they were getting on so well now. It only seemed like yesterday that they could barely stand to look at each other. They'd all had their ups and downs, but despite how dysfunctional others thought they were, they were still his team and Kakashi cared deeply for each of them. When he thought about it, he always had done.
Uttering a soft chuckle to himself as he watched them disappear into the jungle of buildings, Kakashi decided to move forward. He hadn't technically been lying to Sakura about getting some sleep, but he hadn't planned on doing that right away. There was a certain auburn haired kunoichi he wanted to see first.

The stench of rotting wood and rising damp had never smelled so good. It was the smell of home but it was only now that he was beginning to appreciate it. Kakashi inhaled deeply as he stepped off the top step of the stairway that led to his apartment. Strolling towards his door, he fumbled in his pants pocket for the keys. He was certain the Rin would still be there. He recalled her telling him at the memorial the day he departed that she had found her own place to live but he had a hunch that she would still be there waiting for him to return.
He wrenched the keys from his pocket as he approached the apartment and went to unlock the door when he noticed it was slightly ajar. Kakashi stared at it momentarily, a knot of unease stirring in his gut before shooting his eyes towards the gap. It was dark inside the apartment and yet there was no damage to the door or the frame to suggest that it had been forced. Surely Rin wouldn't have left it open if she wasn't in.
He heard noises within. Somebody was there but he couldn't take any chances as to who it could be. Gently placing the flat of his hand against the door, Kakashi pushed it open slowly, exposing the dark room within. An ominous shape shifted around near the couch for a second before it swung around with a startled gasp.
The light from the hallway panned across the shadowed figure to reveal a rather frightened looking Rin. Kakashi had a feeling it was her; it was so unlike her to leave the place unsecured. He felt himself relax as he stepped into the room.
"Kakashi! I wasn't expecting you back so soon," She gasped, clasping a hand to her chest as she leaned back against the arm of the couch.
"The mission was a little shorter than expected." He lied. She didn't need to know that they had rushed back, not right now anyway. He stepped further into the lounge, cramming his hands into his pockets.
"Why are you in the dark anyway? Light bulb blown out?" He drawled, craning his neck to look at the light fitting hanging from the water stained ceiling.
"N... no. Uhm, I'd just come back to get some things I'd forgotten. I'm ... I'm not staying," She stuttered as she turned herself around and hunched back over the sofa. Kakashi arched a brow at her. She was acting very strangely. Needless to say that he had expected a very different reception to what he had just received. Rather than her throwing her arms around him, welcoming him back (which was what he had hoped she would do) she had the audacity to almost question why he was there. She seemed nervous, like she was hiding something.
"You've moved out already?" He asked. He turned his head a little to one side as she spun herself around again. In her arms she carried a bundle of what looked like clothing. He saw her dark eyes flit about his face before she dropped them to his feet and nodded her head. "Yeah," She all but whispered.
Something was wrong. Kakashi stepped towards her, lifting a hand and reaching for one of hers that was still grasping the bundles of fabric. The moment his fingers touched her skin she flinched and tore her hand away.
"Don't..." she croaked, using the offended limb to tuck stray locks of hair behind her ear as she turned away.
Rin's reaction took Kakashi completely by surprise, he never once thought she would withdraw from him and it hurt him in places he had long forgotten existed until now.
"Rin, what's wrong?" He muttered dropping his arm back to his side. He dredged his mind to find answers to her icy attitude towards him and came away fruitless. He had no idea why she was acting this way; it wasn't like her.
He watched her squeeze her eyes closed as she wrapped her arm back around her clothes and shake her head.
"I ... I don't want to see you any more, Kakashi," she muttered bowing her head shamefully. Kakashi just stood there for what seemed like hours before he forced himself to blink. He found himself giggling a little despite the fact that what she had just said rocked him to the core. He just couldn't believe what he was hearing nor did he want to.
"What? Where did that come from?" he chuckled holding out a questioning hand. Rin glanced up at him. Her eyes were burning with something he couldn't translate as she began to chew on her lower lip.
"I've had a lot of time to think. And it ... us..." She hesitated, sighing dismally as she lowered her sights back to the floor. Kakashi noticed her shoulders tremble a little as she squeezed at the bundle in her arms. Suddenly she inhaled sharply, flicking her long hair over her shoulders with a swift flick of her head. Looking him straight in the eye with an expression as blank as a plain sheet of bamboo she continued. "It's not going to work. So I think it's for the best that we don't see each other anymore."
Her voice was flat and robotic as she seemed to stare through him. Kakashi was gobsmacked. Her words hit him like a blow to the stomach and he found himself struggling to even breathe. His head swam with questions with no answers as he took in what she was saying. Eventually he frowned, dropped his eyes and glared at the floor. He refused to retaliate, and maybe she was right, maybe it wasn't going to work. He didn't need her anyway. He had always done fine on his own, and he would do fine now.
"Fine. If that's what you want," he muttered. His body had gone into auto pilot at that point. He was too tired to try and reason with her without it escalating into a full blown fight. And he had no desire to fight with her. If this was the way she really felt, then that was fine by him, at least that was what he tried to tell himself.
"It's for the best, Kakashi," she murmured, her voice was a lot softer this time, bordering on a tone of pity. An awkward silence swamped the tiny room as they both stood there glaring at each other's shadows. Eventually Rin pushed herself up from the sofa and stalked past him, obviously intent on leaving without speaking again.
As she reached the door, Kakashi turned towards her. "Just answer me one thing, Rin," he bit out. He sensed her halt at the door and look towards him.
"When I kissed you, didn't that mean anything to you?"
That same strange quiet settled between them again as Rin seemed to think about her answer. From the corner of his eye, Kakashi saw her bow her head before lifting a hand and wiping at her face. She was crying.
"No," she said eventually, her voice breaking as she spoke.
Kakashi narrowed his eyes at the answer. He knew for a fact she was lying, but he held no desire at that point to do anything about it. His initial shock had been replaced by a hot rage that frothed in his gullet. He'd never felt like this before in his entire life and he hated how it was affecting his judgement. He wanted to beg her to stay, plead with her to make it better, but his male pride refused to let him do that. He sniffed at her as he turned away and walked towards the couch.
"You can leave now," he hissed. He heard a whimper escape her throat as she wrenched the door open and stormed out of the apartment. He could still hear her heels clipping at the tiled floor in the hallway and down the stairs. After a few minutes the silence returned and the rage he had felt earlier began to fizzle out of his system.
Kakashi dropped to the couch as his legs gave way, the battered springs squealing under his weight as he tried desperately to gather his thoughts. He could feel his heart pounding in his rib cage almost to the point that felt painful. He didn't quite understand what had happened or even why it had happened, all he knew right now was that he felt terribly ill as his stomach churned in time with the pulse he could now feel throbbing in his throat.
He sat for moment, simply staring at the floor as the event began to come together in his mind. The nausea tore at his insides and he could feel his hands trembling a little. He habitually planted both hands on his face, rubbing at his eyes with his fingers before dragging them down his cheeks. She was gone and by the sounds of it she had no intentions of coming back. He couldn't make sense of how he was feeling or how he was supposed to be feeling but he guessed that this must be what it felt like to have his heart broken.

Rin flew through the village, desperate to get home, to get back to her safe zone. The streets were mostly empty as the thunder clouds rolled in the heavens, threatening to spill their rain on Konoha at any moment. She grasped the laundry she had picked up to her chest tightly as she continued to run through the village.
Her mind was empty save for the need to feel safe again, just to be within the confines of her own home. Hell, being anywhere was better than being in the open right now. She could see the tall yellow apartment block getting nearer as she continued to run with her load towards it.
Before she knew it, Rin was grasping the railing and climbing the stairs to the second floor and before her brain had the time to contemplate what she was doing, she was already pushing the key into her door. That was the beauty of adrenaline and also its downfall; the motor functions took over and forced you to act, with or without conscious support.
Rin opened the door, stepped through into the darkness and closed it by slamming her back up against the wood. She stood there gasping for breath as she allowed her body to calm itself. A flash of lightening eluminated the room for a split second, closely followed by a loud rumble of thunder. She silently applauded herself for getting back when she did as fat drops of rain began to hit the windows in the small home. Looking straight ahead she was in full view of the canopy that accompanied the apartment. The rain was getting heavier by the second as bolts of brilliant blue danced across the skyline. This was the only thing about thunderstorms. They reminded her of him.
The storms were frequent in Lightening Country, it was what made the place live up to its name. She loved the sights of the lightening, simply because it reminded her of Kakashi. As silly as she thought it was herself, it was still a fact and the flashes didn't fail to bring him to the foreground of her mind.
Garbled memories of the event that had just changed her life trudged through her mind. The way she had spoken to him; like filth, the way he looked at her when she told him it was over. The sheer pain she could see in his eyes had all but torn her apart.
After her talk with Kuranai in the tea shop a few days ago, Rin honestly thought she was doing the right thing. She had hurt Kakashi so much already, she couldn't bare it if she had to put him through all that again. The endless questions had tormented her in the small hours forcing her to come to her decision.
What if she got sent away again? What if he got sent away? What if it didn't work after all? What if she wasn't enough for him?
It had all been too much to bear. She had to end it, before she got in too deep, before something happened to rip them both apart at the seams.
She knew Kakashi was far more fragile than he let people believe and that one little photograph in his medical file had more than verified that for her. She had done that to him and there was no way she wanted to do it again, yet in trying to do the right thing she had done just that.
She felt the muscles in her arms loosen and drop to her sides, the pieces of clothing she had grasped so relentlessly fell about her feet. She could feel her lips trembling as her eyes grew hotter and hotter but she made no effort to fight against the tears. The realisation of what she had just done hit her hard, no wonder he took it so badly. She didn't even explain herself to him.
Throwing her head back she collided with the door as she let her legs lower her to the floor. She could feel the grain of the wood scratching and pulling at her clothes as she slid down towards the carpet.
"What have I done?" She asked herself miserably before allowing a sob to escape her mouth. The tears came at that point as the room before her blurred from her vision.
As she collided with the floor, Rin drew her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Resting a cheek on her knees she let her body take over. The room began to glow an eerie green as her chakra absorbed her in a failing attempt to heal her, to ease her pain as she sobbed into her skirt. She could feel her hair furling upwards in the mists of her chakra; the feeling was like being underwater, as the skirt of her dress lapped gently at her face causing her tears to smear on her cheeks. Although the chakra did little to ease her sorrow, her regret, the coolness made her feel calm, made her feel protected, safe.
She loved him, more than she thought she could anything or anyone. And in a bid to save him she had decided to let him go but in doing so she had lost everything in the process. In hindsight she could have handled the situation so much better but the damage was done now and she had no idea how to repair it or if she could at all.
"I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry..." She whimpered, shielding her head with her arms, the chakra embracing her once more as she allowed her cries to echo through the room.

Kakashi didn't know how long he'd been standing there, it could have been minutes, it could have been hours. He simply stared at the door, soaked to the bone as the fabric of his clothes clung to his skin. Beads of rain water dripped from his hair, splattered to his face and dribbled down his cheeks. Each impact caused him to blink harshly but even then he felt nothing other than the anxiety building in his throat.
It had been a few hours since he had last seen her, and it was way past midnight now, so even if she was at home he doubted very much she would be awake. He had tried to sense her chakra through the door but having not had the rest he had promised himself his energy was wearing thin. He had wanted to wait for the storm to ease, but after watching it for goodness knows how long, it showed no signs of letting up. Hence why he was here now, completely soaked through and shivering from the draft that drifted past him.
Brief talks with Sakura while away had revealed where Rin had chosen to make her new home and as he stood here now, he wished he didn't know. Perhaps that would have been enough to deter him from acting on his own impulses. But it was too late now. He was here and he had a choice to make. Should he put his pride aside, or should he sit back and wait for her to come to him? Somehow he didn't think the latter was going to happen.
The courage to lift a hand and knock on the door came and went in flashes of conflicting demands in his own head. One voice demanded he take the matter into his own hands, to simply knock on the door and face the dangers within. The other, much louder part of him told him to leave, to walk away and never look back.
The only orders he was used to taking from his own body in times of high pressure was fight or flee. But this was no battle; this wasn't a means of life or death. Nothing was at stake here other than the torment of never knowing if he chose the cowards path or the fear of rejection.
He didn't understand the emotions that forced him to come here, and that frightened him more than any enemy he had ever faced. Kakashi wanted nothing more to just sit down and tell Rin how he felt, how he had felt for many years but even way back then, he had never found the right time or the right words. There were so many implications that had given him the perfect excuses to say nothing; his promise to his dead friend was a prime reason. So he'd merely sat back and let her slip through his fingers.
He had pushed her away, kept her at arm's length for so long to protect her from him, to protect himself from her, that it had become a compulsive habit. It wasn't until she was no longer there that he had come to realise just how much she actually mattered, to notice how she had affected him in so many little ways. It was the little ways that made the big differences. And this time was no different despite the fact that he had actually tried. Tried to show her what was going on in the labyrinth he called his mind. But it had all back fired ... story of his life. He swore this would be the last time he took any advice from Pakkun.
Kakashi stood staring blankly at the wooden panel as the puddle beneath him continued to grow around his feet, contemplating what life would have been if she had never returned. Things would have carried on the way they always had done, he would have been none the wiser; still mourning her death along with Obito's, still wishing he had done ... something ... anything. It would have been a lot simpler if she hadn't come home, but now he felt he couldn't function without her.
He had no words for her, there was nothing more he could say to make any of this any better but he knew that he couldn't live without her. There was no way he was willing to go through it all again; that piercing sense of loss and longing, nor the crushing weight of failure. The mere thought of losing her made his chest ache but he knew this wouldn't work. He knew she would see a hidden meaning that didn't exist behind the sentimentality of what he was willing to use in a last ditch attempt to make her see the truth. But it was worth a try ... wasn't it?
Having never been in a situation like this before, having feelings and emotions that he couldn't translate made him feel like he was losing his mind. The nausea that accompanied his thoughts of her was maddening, causing him to question himself with every step he took.
Blowing out a long sigh, Kakashi drove a hand into his pocket and grabbed the photograph he had torn apart his apartment to retrieve. He fingered the folds in the small item, eyeing over the ugly white cracks that had appeared in the print over time. The photograph was a simple one, taken by a passerby in the land of Tea. They had been teenagers then on a training course designed to build moral within the teams.
Rin had signed them both up as a means to "get away from it all" as she had so pleasantly put it, it had been more of a vacation to her. It was one of the rare pictures he owned of the pair of them where he hadn't worn the mask. Rin had asked him not to so he didn't, for her. With an arm hooked around her shoulders, his head turned slightly towards her as she beamed at the camera, to him it was a lover's embrace. With the hills' rolling forever in the distance, the picture was calming and serine. Kakashi had sat and stared at it many times, wondering why he let her go. It tormented him while bringing him a sense of peace all at the same time.
Kakashi couldn't recall a lot from the event as a whole, but he remembered that day like it had happened mere moments ago. Changes within himself has started to take place then, changes that made him realise that he cared for his female friend in a sense that he didn't truly understand. He always felt a pang of regret in his stomach when he thought back to that time. Because of his warped perspective of his feelings towards her, rather than question it, he had chosen to ignore it. It had been easier that way, but in hindsight, he felt it had been the wrong decision to make. Not that this was the first, or the last, bad decision he had ever made.
Before he had left his home and ventured out into the pouring rain, he had scribbled a note on the back. Turning it over in his hand, he read the words carefully noting how the rain water had smudged the ink if only a little.
The nerve to post the simple picture under the door dispersed from his being as quickly as it came. It wasn't going to work, so what was the point in even trying?
He shook his head a little at his own cowardice but his auto functions still began to carry him away from the door. He took a step back from the apartment entrance, feeling his sodden sandals squelch around his feet and crammed the picture back into his pants pocket. Stealing a glance down the hallway he prepared himself to turn and walk away when a loud click came from within the confines of Rins apartment, freezing him to the spot.
The door swung inwards as Rin came into view from the other side. She stopped suddenly with a small startled gasp, grasping something to her chest as Kakashi turned his head slowly to face her. She just stood there, a perplexed look on her face, almost like she was staring at a stranger. The expression hurt him a little, but he hadn't expected any different from her. The way she had spoken to him earlier that day had suggested she didn't want to see him again at all.
"Kakashi," She whispered, lowering what looked like two empty milk bottles from her chest to her stomach. Her expression melted into a saddened frown which stirred irritable knots of discomfort in Kakashi's gut. Her eyes looked a little sore which signified that she had been crying again. She seemed to relax a little as an unsettling silence sank between them.
Kakashi swallowed hard, clenching his jaw as he allowed his eyes to drift towards the floor. She didn't look particularly pleased to see him, but her expression at this point was so unreadable it was hard to determine what she was thinking at all. But he knew that he couldn't just walk away now, the gate to that path had closed the moment Rin had stepped through her threshold. He knew that if he was going to say something, anything, he had to it now or be forced to live with the fact that he could never have the only thing he had ever truly wanted.
Squeezing his eyes closed he braced himself, seemingly for a blow to the head as he began to speak.
"Rin, I don't know what I've done to hurt you, but whatever it is, I'm sorry. Give me this chance to put things right ..." He hesitated, half expecting her to interrupt. But she didn't. Opening his eyes he glanced upwards. Her expression hadn't changed but he saw she had stiffened again. Inhaling deeply Kakashi chose to continue.
"Let me put this right, because I've never had this chance before ... and I don't want to throw that away. Please?"
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