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Searching for Something	By : jellybelle21 Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1063 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Gaara had attempted to erase the memory of that morning with Neji ever since he returned to the village. He refused Temari’s offers to let him go back to Konoha on some completely fabricated business. She could see he was miserable, and true to her word, she clearly wanted him to be happy. She thought that seeing Neji again would make him happy, and he didn’t have it in him to talk to her about it, to explain things, no matter how she pestered him or hinted that she could help him out. Kankurou knew at least part of it, but he didn’t bother Gaara, attempting to get details or offering him advice he didn’t want. He just let Gaara get through it on his own, and actually told Temari to lay off more than once.

“He needs to work out things like this on his own,” he told his younger sister after one of her attempts to get Gaara to open up to her about his problems. “If he wants to talk to you about it, he will.”

After that, she backed off, but Gaara had to admit that he could not forget the way it had felt when Neji kissed him, when he had kissed Neji, or how horribly it had all turned around when Neji spoke to him…when he said those words.

Maybe he was crazy, after all. Maybe Temari and Kankurou were just humoring him, and maybe only Neji had the guts to tell him the truth. He didn’t know what to believe, and the fear that he really had lost it kept him up all night, as it always had.

He remembered Neji’s suggestion, and he tried kissing other people to see if he could replace that desire he felt for Neji with another person. He let a score of eager women and even a some men try to wipe away his memories, but it didn’t matter. It never felt the same way. It was always nice, he supposed, but it felt like he was acting, and nothing they did could make him feel the same way as he had that morning months ago now. He forgot each one as soon as they left his room, but he could still taste Neji, still smell him, and feel where he’d placed his hands. They touched him, caressed him, and taught him about things they called “love,” which was all new to Gaara, but he felt like it was empty. He let things go further, thinking he could wipe out the kissing by doing something more powerful. He had sex for the first time, and several more times after that. He couldn’t remember the names of any of them, even the ones he had gone that far with. He had felt pleasure, but to him, it seemed as meaningless as masturbation. The whole time, he just pictured Neji, and felt disappointed when the image slipped and he realized that he wasn’t there.

He wondered if this was always what happened with the first person who kissed you, and it tormented him to think that he had not been the first person Neji had kissed, so he certainly had forgotten all about Gaara as soon as he had left the room that day, just the way that Gaara forgot all of his consorts immediately. It seemed another cruel trick that life would play, to force him always to want someone who he could never have, who would never want him back, and who clearly despised him. Why else would he have said those things?

Temari clearly disapproved of the way he ran through lovers, and of his complete lack of regard for their feelings. He would pick one up the way he might pick what to eat for breakfast. Whatever struck his fancy at the moment was fine, and by lunchtime, he usually couldn’t even recall what he had eaten previously. She didn’t say anything to him directly, but it was clear from the looks they often exchanged that Kankurou and her had spoken about it, and did not think he was doing the right thing. He didn’t care. He had to slake this thirst, he had to drive this craving away so he could get on with his life.

“Gaara,” Temari knocked on his door softly, clearly knowing that he had someone in bed with him. He waved away the woman gazing up at him adoringly, and she bit her lip tearfully, gathering her things and dressing as he pulled on his own clothing. “I can come back later, if it’s a bad time.” He heard her voice, and the annoyance in her tone.

“No, I’m coming.” He called out. “Be gone when I’m back.” He told the girl, who looked near tears, her hands shaking as she attempted to dress. He ignored her and went out into the hallway.

“You hair’s a mess.” Temari attempted to pat it down, and he batted her hand away.

“So?” he glared at her.

“There’s someone here to see you.” She looked a bit sad. “I thought you should clean up a bit.”

“They won’t care.” He told her, striding down the hallway with his sister at his side. “Who is it?”

“Just an old friend who wanted to see you.” She smiled, and he felt something was definitely going on. Temari rarely smiled these days, at least in his presence. She was always wearing that annoying I-Disapprove-Of-Everything-You-Do-But-I’ll-Just-Let-You-Make-Your-Own-Mistakes expression. He wondered if it was Naruto. She knew that he was depressed, and Naruto was always able to cheer people up. Well, unless Naruto wanted to have sex, Gaara wasn’t interested. Maybe Naruto could make him forget. She opened a door and actually pushed him into the room, where the sole occupant immediately stood to their feet and looked both incredibly nervous and incredibly excited.

“Kazekage-sama. I hope you’re well.” Neji’s voice was strained, and in that moment Gaara realized that as much as he had been haunted by that memory, Neji felt at least as much regret. Without further ado, Gaara rushed forward, grabbed Neji’s forelocks in both hands, and yanked him down into a bruising kiss. At first, Neji stiffened, even pulled back a bit, and Gaara thought he had misjudged the situation. He had a hard time reading people, he knew, and he still made mistakes. He relied a lot on his siblings to explain people’s actions and feelings to him.

But when he let go, Neji laughed. He actually laughed. Gaara could not remember ever hearing such a noise come out of the stoic Hyuuga, and he was trying to decide whether he should assume he was being laughed at, in which case he would just leave right then. It was bad enough being tormented by Neji’s memory, and the idea of the real Neji standing there, mocking his feelings, was too much.

“I thought you hated me.” Neji managed, lunging forward, but instead of kissing Gaara, he just wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, hugging him so tightly Gaara thought he might suffocate. He wasn’t sure what to do, but he let his own arms mimic Neji’s, and the older man seemed to appreciate that, so Gaara just let the agony drain from him as it made way for the incredible warmth of being held. Even his siblings did not touch him often, and he could not recall the last time he had been hugged. He felt his doubts disappear as he realized that Neji needed him at least as much as Gaara needed Neji. “After what I said, I thought you’d hate me.”

“I thought it could be true.” Gaara admitted, his speech muffled with his face pressed against Neji’s shoulder. “I thought I had lost my mind.” He frowned slightly as Neji let him go and sat down, sighing softly. Gaara sat down as well in one of the other chairs.

“I should never have said that.” Neji told him, shaking his head slightly. “I thought we’d be better off, but after that…all I could think of was you.”

“Me too.” Gaara told him immediately. “No one else was the same.”

“It doesn’t make any sense, does it?” Neji brushed his hair back, and Gaara’s fingers itched to feel that hair again. “I mean, we don’t know each other. Not really.”

“We can learn.” Gaara insisted. There was no way he was letting Neji go now that he was here. “Ask me whatever you like, and I will ask you things. We’ll know each other better, then.”

“But isn’t it more than that? There’s a feeling to it…you know.” Neji looked embarrassed and shook his head. “I don’t think we’re going in the right order.”

“How do you mean?” Gaara frowned again.

“I mean…when people feel the way we feel…what do you think this is?” Neji was clearly not comfortable putting his thoughts into words.

“I want you.” Gaara answered readily.

“That’s not a feeling.” Neji shook his head. “Never mind. Forget that. We’ll worry about that later. I think you’re right. I’m making this harder than it has to be. We can just learn more about each other, and see what happens.”

“What do you mean?” Gaara narrowed his eyes, not sure he could trust his interpretation of what Neji was saying.

“I mean that I think about you all the time, and even if it ends up being a mistake, I’d rather be here trying to be with you than somewhere else, thinking about you.” Neji explained. “Does that make sense?” he wasn’t used to being open with his feelings, but Gaara wasn’t a big one for subtlety, so he decided to just try being as straightforward as he could manage.

“You’ll stay here with me?” Gaara repeated, simplifying as much as possible.

“Yes, for now.” Neji nodded.

“Very well.” Gaara stood up. “Do we have sex now?”

“No!” Neji was shocked that Gaara, who a few months ago, had never even kissed someone, was suggesting they have sex at once. “I mean…if we want this to work, I think you’re supposed to go slowly. First we get to know each other.”

“Oh, I see.” Gaara sat back down, looking slightly put off. “As you say. What do you want to know?”

“Well…I don’t know.” Neji was overwhelmed. He had never really attempted to learn a lot about a person. He didn’t know what sort of questions to ask. “All about you, I suppose.”

“Do we really have to go through all this before we can have sex?” Gaara asked, clearly a bit agitated.

“I’ve heard it works better this way.” Neji almost smiled at the face he would almost label a pout if it wasn’t for the fact that he thought Gaara would kill him for saying that he pouted. Ever. “Do you not want to talk to me? Do you just…just want to do that?” he had a moment or doubt that he had misunderstood everything about his feelings, and that he was wrong to think that Gaara could feel the same way.

“I’m not sure. I know I want to have sex with you.” Gaara looked suddenly thoughtful. “What if we don’t want to after all the talking?”

“The whole point is to see if this could really mean anything.” Neji felt frustrated. Gaara didn’t seem to feel the same way as him at all. “Do you just want to have sex and then forget about anything else?”

“What else is there?” Gaara turned his head to one side, not sure. Neji rose to his feet, realizing that he really had misunderstood everything. Gaara wanted to have sex with him, and that was all. He wondered if he could live with that, if he would be better off leaving now, or if he should see if he stayed, if they spent enough time together, if Gaara would come to care about him at all.

“Nothing, I guess.” Neji never imagined that Gaara wanted him, and would have been happy to know that a few months ago. But now that he understood things a little better, now that he had seen clearly from his own experience the difference between how he felt about someone he just had sex with, and the way he felt about Gaara, he realized that even if this wasn’t love, it was something very close, and he desperately wanted to make it work. He hated being away from Gaara and thinking of him all the time. He hated feeling so powerless, completely controlled by his obsession. Was this the thing he was searching for? And if so, why did it have to be so hard?

He had meant to ask Gaara to leave his room so he could think. He had meant to consider his options, to figure out if he really wanted what Gaara was willing to offer, knowing there would very likely never be anything more. He had desperately wanted Gaara to want him, and he did, but it wasn’t the same. He could see that now. But he realized that if this was all he could have, he would settle for it. He turned toward his bed, instead, and Gaara leapt from his chair, clearly excited.

A year ago, Neji would have never believe he would feel so resigned about having sex, especially with a man as incredibly gorgeous as Gaara. The thought of meaningless, no-strings-attached sex with Sasuke had always made him excited, and now he saw why it had insulted Sasuke, and not tempted him at all. But he wondered…if Sasuke had felt about him the way he felt about Gaara, would he have just let Neji have his way with him and hoped that something could grow from that.

He felt numb as he began to pull his clothes off, and Gaara watched him impatiently, already naked and hard. Finally, Gaara reached forward and pulled the clothes off himself, pushing Neji onto the bed and leaping on him, covering his face and throat with kisses, his hand working over Neji’s shaft, trying to bring it to full hardness.

He’s done this before. Neji felt a horrible twist of jealousy in his gut. Before, he was so unsure of himself, he didn’t have any idea what to do. Now…it’s like he’s done this a million times before. Can he even see me? Does he care who I am? He felt a horrible sinking guilt as he realized that this was exactly the way he had made Tenten feel. How had she let him do this to her, so many times, knowing that he felt nothing, that he didn’t care about her at all? The same reason I’m letting him do it right now. She thought that if I liked it, if we kept doing it, I’d learn to love her, but it doesn’t work that way. I know it doesn’t.

It was amazing. A month ago, he was imagining sex with Gaara so that he could do it with Tenten. Now, he was in the Kazekage’s tower, in a bed, with Gaara on top of him, rubbing him and kissing him, and it wasn’t what he wanted at all. Of course, he was still getting hard. He felt ashamed of himself, and he felt like he had never really understood before how horrible it was to think of Sasuke in this way, to want him just for sex, to not care at all about his thoughts and dreams and feelings. Now he thought he would never be able to think about Sasuke without guilt again. He had never seen past his own vanity before. He only cared about what he wanted, and he didn’t see the point in even learning more about his own friends. He hadn’t even known Tenten’s favorite color, and he’d known her since they were first in academy together.

Red. I’d bet good money Lee’s is green. The thought struck him as both funny and horribly sad at the same time, and he realized with a sudden start that Gaara wasn’t kissing him or touching him anymore. He was straddling him, staring down at his face in confusion and alarm. It took him a moment to realize that he was crying.

When was the last time I cried? Was it when father died, or before then? Amazing how there was nothing like having all your dreams snatched away to break your heart. And Neji realized that his heart had been broken, and while he had doubted it before, he knew now that he was in love with Gaara. And he’ll just use me, the way I used Tenten. I wonder if he’ll picture someone else when we fuck. And I can’t even stop him. I don’t really care…I just want him to look at me, to be close to me, and if this is the only way I can have him, I’ll take it.

“What’s wrong with you?” Gaara asked, and Neji didn’t know what to say. What could he possibly say that Gaara would understand? He didn’t want to hear that Neji was in love with him. He probably heard that all the time from everyone else he’d been doing this with. Neji wondered briefly how many people Gaara had had sex with, and felt another twist of pain. “Did I hurt you?”

“No…I’m fine.” Neji assured him, wishing his voice wasn’t shaking like that. He kept trying to suppress his feelings, the way he always had, the way he’d done since he was only a child, and he found that he couldn’t do it. Not with Gaara looking at him. He couldn’t hide anything, and it was completely unfair. Gaara had him already, even if they hadn’t slept together yet, and he would never have any part of Gaara.

“Why are you crying?” Gaara climbed off of him, clearly not believing Neji for one second. “Are you dying?”

Neji laughed then, and it sounded so strange through his grief-choked throat. Of course Gaara would think that anything that could make someone like Neji cry would have to be something horrible. Neji thought he would rather die than go on knowing that he was in love with someone who would never return his feelings. “I’m fine.” He answered, pressing his palms to his eyes and scrubbing away the tears, forcing a smile for Gaara’s sake. “See, I’m fine.”

“Your face is all weird now.” Gaara informed him with all of his usual tact, frowning more deeply than ever. “You messed up your skin.”

“It’ll go back.” Neji sighed heavily. It was clear Gaara wasn’t going to climb back on him again, he was just sitting there, naked and completely unconcerned with the fact that he was still hard and Neji could see the drop of cum beading at the tip of his shaft. Neji could feel his own erection swiftly dwindling now that Gaara’s hands had left him alone. “Haven’t you ever cried before?”

“What does it matter if I have?” Gaara straightened, his face defensive and untrusting.

“I want to know all about you, remember?” Neji sighed heavily, sitting up and reaching down to find some clothes he could put on. The way Gaara was looking at him was a bit…unnerving. “Don’t worry about it, you don’t have to tell me.”

“But…you want me to tell you, don’t you?” Gaara narrowed his eyes, clearly trying to work this out. “Do you really want to know everything?” he looked very doubtful.

“Yes.” Neji told him, sighing heavily as he left it at his shirt and pants, not bothering with the dark cloth that went on over his pants. “That’s just the way I feel.”

“Fine.” Gaara looked as though he would like nothing less than to tell someone all about himself. “If you really want to know.”

He talked for hours, stopping when he felt that what he had said was satisfactory, only to have Neji ask him another question to clarify this or know more about that. By the time he had finished, Gaara felt as though he was a towel that had been completely wrung out. He decided that he did not like talking about his childhood very much. That made sense, he supposed. He hadn’t liked living his childhood very much, either.

“Do you like being Kazekage?” Neji asked after there had been the brief respite of someone bringing food for them. Gaara hadn’t even realized it was dinner time, but he ate the food voraciously.

“How can you still have more questions?” Gaara returned, before washing down the last of the meal down with some tea. “I’ve answered so many.”

“I just do.” Neji responded. “You can ask me anything you want.”

“What should I ask?” Gaara frowned thoughtfully.

“Anything at all.” Neji shrugged, and Gaara took a long time to consider this.

“Okay. Why do you have that? What does it mean?” Neji felt his heart sink as he realized Gaara was pointing at his bare forehead. His hitai-ate had come off with the rest of his clothes, and he hadn’t even thought about putting it back on. He supposed this was Gaara’s way of getting back at him for asking about the kanji tattooed on his forehead.

“It’s the mark of the branch house of the Hyuuga family.” Neji answered, knowing he couldn’t refuse to answer after Gaara had put up with all his questions. “It’s to show that they own me. Like a slave. I have to do everything they ask, and I’m not supposed to make any decisions without asking the main house.”

“They can’t just own you.” Gaara responded. “My father thought he owned me, but he’s gone and I’m still here.”

“Yeah.” Neji frowned slightly. “But you did what he asked, right? So you understand.”

Gaara didn’t answer, just frowning down at the empty plates sitting on the table. Neji wondered if he was still hungry, or if he just didn’t know what to say to that. “It’s my dream to be free from that destiny.” Neji went on, even though Gaara hadn’t asked. “I want to make my own choices, and only answer to myself.” Gaara looked surprised, but after staring at Neji for a moment, he reached over, pulled his neck forward, and kissed Neji lightly on the lips. It reminded him at once of their first kiss, and he wondered if that was what had been intended.

“I feel the same way.” Gaara told him solemnly, and Neji wondered if this might work out after all.

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To be continued…
- 5
- 6
- 7
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