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Love Me When I'm Gone	By : KittenCobra Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1971 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

Chapter List
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58. Goodbye
It’s the night before I depart for Konoha, and I sit in my hospital bed – terrified of the next several hours. I have decided to do something very risky. Shikamaru and Sakura are dead set against it, claiming the risks outweigh the benefits. Temari, Michiko and Naruto disagree. Kakashi is equally torn. I have finally managed to heal enough to maintain my illusion on my own again without any burn, or the need to rest. I have decided to leave the machine and let Gaara see me before my trip tomorrow. I am concerned that he will not believe I am magically well enough the morning of the trip. I am also desperate to let him touch me just one more time.
That brings in a major complication, however. Although I can build and maintain my illusion, altering the sensation of touch has always been the most difficult element. I don’t believe I can manage to maintain it in a more elaborate physical interaction, so I will have to limit how much I allow him to touch me without being obvious about it. That’s the part Shikamaru has deemed impossible, but he doesn’t understand Gaara the way I do. Nothing is more important to Gaara than keeping me healthy and safe. He would never push me, or even allow me to push myself.
It’s actually ME that I don’t trust. I haven’t felt Gaara touch anything more than my face and neck in almost two months if you count the coma. The restriction of the machine I’ve been stuck within has been maddening, and my desires have escalated to a near painful level. My heart being involved only makes it worse. I know this is my last chance. If he doesn’t touch me now… he never will again. I don’t think he could ever forgive me for not taking the risk. I could never forgive myself.
I lie in my hospital bed on my side now. I have my front facing the railing on the bedside, and work to make the illusion look like the distance between it and my body is taken up by large pillows. I am surprised to suddenly feel Kankuro’s presence at the door. He hasn’t come to see me since I awoke. I have memories from Shikamaru of him visiting my bedside, but he hasn’t come to see me since. I now feel guilt radiating from him like a beacon.
Shit… he thinks. She must hate me. I should just go…
“Kankuro!” I shout towards the door. “Please, don’t leave!”
Shit! His guilt wafts from him again. Can’t hide anything from her. She probably already knows why I’ve stayed away. Oh well. Here goes.
I am surprised to see his reasons. He couldn’t take seeing me lying in the coma for so long. It hurt him too much. He couldn’t understand how it helped Gaara, but didn’t care as long as it did. He was afraid that I would look just as awful when I woke up and he wouldn’t be able to keep himself together. He finally slides the door open and smiles in at me.
“Hey beautiful,” he mumbles, then his eyes widen in surprise. “Hey! You’re out of that thing! Does Gaara know?”
“Yeah,” I assure him. “I think Sakura is letting him know now. I’m surprised he’s not already here.”
“Oh… well I won’t bother you for long then.”
“Kankuro,” I give him a sad smile. “I’ve missed you. You’re right. I know why you’ve stayed away. I’m not angry. I just want you to know that.”
“God, that still creeps me out,” he admits.
He comes over and sits in the chair beside my bed. He analyzes my features. I don’t look like a corpse anymore, the way he was afraid I would. He notices how I’ve allowed the illusion of myself to be altered. I haven’t hidden some of the extra weight to my frame – in my face and arms. I’ve allowed myself to remain my natural color, which is still fairly faint and somewhat sickly. All of these tiny elements make the illusion just a little easier, and they also make it more believable. He glances down my frame, amazed that I still look so beautiful.
Gaara’s a lucky bastard. He thinks to himself. She’s not the bombshell we first met, but she’s still pretty hot. He catches my staring, and remembers yet again that I can read his every thought. “Sorry,” he says with a blush.
“I don’t mind,” I tell him honestly. “I want you to be yourself Kankuro – not watch every word and thought simply because I can see them. I’ve never wanted that.”
“Yeah,” he mumbles in thought. “Thanks for that.”
“Why did you decide to come see me?” I ask.
“Honestly,” he says with a sigh. “I don’t like this trip Gaara’s letting you go on. Every time I think about it… I get this awful feeling. It’s like… I don’t know. It’s like the feeling I get right before a big fight. I just… I just…” I just feel like punching something, he finishes in thought.
I am surprised by Kankuro’s awareness. He has been more on the periphery than anyone, but his senses are screaming at him that something is wrong. He can’t tell what, and he doesn’t want to panic Gaara if it’s just his imagination. He knows. Without seeing or hearing a thing, he just knows he isn’t going to see me again. Looking into his memoires I can see that he’s been pacing the floor in his bedroom for two solid days. I wish I knew what to say to him – how to say goodbye.
“I hope you know I love you Kankuro,” I whisper with a tear in my eye. “You’re the sweetest brother a girl could ask for. Temari thinks so too, believe it or not. You take good care of us.”
He narrows his eyes at me, searching my face for that tiny piece of the puzzle that would make this crazy feeling make sense. “That’s my job,” he states with a smirk. “But don’t go spreading it around. You’ll ruin my badass image.”
I burst into a sudden fit of laughter. “Kankuro… your makeup killed your badass image long ago!”
“Hey, watch it,” he says with a devilish grin, “You’re one to talk misses queen of the tuna can costume contest!”
I burst into laughter again. It feels so good to laugh. I’ve missed this about Kankuro the most. He never takes himself or anyone else too seriously. But there’s one thing I appreciate about him even more, and I’m counting on it now more than ever.
“Kankuro,” I let my tone turn serious. “I want to thank you for everything that you’ve done.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” he asks, genuinely confused.
“I know how much you’ve been doing for Gaara,” I explain. “I know that you were taking care of him after I got hurt. I know that you were fighting him, forcing him to eat, forcing him to work, and to keep going. He may not admit it, but he is thankful for you too. I’m not sure he would have made it this far without you.”
Kankuro’s thoughts turn somber. Didn’t feel like I made much difference…
“You’re wrong,” I insist. “You kept reminding him of how pissed I would be when I woke up and he’d died of something stupid like not eating. You were right and it kept him going.”
“Like I said,” he says with a heavy sigh. “That’s my job. I keep the guy going you know. Someone’s gotta look out for him.” He remembers the first time Gaara ever thanked him for it, as Kankuro carried him injured and defeated from the battle after the Chunin exams. “I hold him up when he can’t stand anymore.”
I wish I could ask him to keep doing that after I’m gone, but I know I can’t. It comforts me to know that he will anyway though. This is the biggest reason I have chosen not to tell Kankuro. Gaara needs someone in his family to take care of him later – someone who didn’t know my secret – someone who didn’t betray him. Temari has already lost that right by choosing the boys.
I hear the door slide open again, and I look up to see Gaara standing in the doorway. I knew he was coming and already have him tucked safely within my illusion. He has a genuine smile on his face, and I try to remember the last time I’ve seen him wear one. The wedding maybe? I can’t quite remember.
“Well, well,” Kankuro says in a teasing tone. “I thought you were gonna leave this babe in here all alone. Good thing you finally showed up, bro. She was startin’ to eye me like a piece of candy.”
Gaara elbows Kankuro in the stomach playfully as Kankuro moves past him to leave.
“Thank you for coming to see me,” I call to his back.
“Sure,” he says with a wave. “You just make sure you come back in one piece. Deal?”
He doesn’t expect a response from me, so I don’t give him one. I instead turn my attention to my lover. He has his shirt front gripped tightly in his fist, but it’s not in pain – but from joy. His heart feels too full and he doesn’t know what to do. He is near giddy to see me out of the machine for the first time. He closes his eyes and I can almost see the tears that hover just inside his eyelids – but not quite. He takes a deep breath to steady himself and tries to calm down before approaching me. As I suspected he would be, he’s still overly cautious of my condition.
“Sakura came and told me that they finally removed you from it,” he says in a throaty voice – raw with emotion. “I would have come sooner, but I wanted to be able to stay with you until you have to leave tomorrow.”
“That was very thoughtful of you,” I whisper.
I’m beginning to lose my grip on my own emotional control. I want him to touch me so badly that I ache. He senses my distress and turns to close and lock the door to my room. He turns off the light and the dim light coming from behind the thick curtains in the window is intimate and comforting. He takes his time, stripping off his clothing and piling them carefully by the bedside. He follows my intentions without direction, and moves into the bed behind me, curling his body around mine possessively. His arm wraps around my middle, but his mind thinks he’s simply taken in the pillows in his grip. This is probably the extent to which I’ll be able to alter his sense of touch. It’s proving to be fairly difficult.
Suddenly, I find this unbearably distressing. I want him to touch me. I want him to kiss me – to make love to me. I want him to loose himself within me, and to be lost in his love one last time. I cannot have what I want and it hurts so badly that, despite my best attempts otherwise, I begin to cry. He can sense my desire and my frustration, so he understands the source of my tears.
“Shhhh…” he whispers against my temple and kisses me softly on the cheek. “It’s alright My Love.” I miss you too. I can feel his erection press urgently into my back, but his mind is firmly set against making love to me. He still sees me as too weak. “But this is enough.”
He lets his hand slip beneath my hospital gown and runs it the full length of my body, from my breasts to my thighs. His hand leaves fire in its wake. The immense pleasure at such a simple touch is amazing, but my lover knows me like no one else will ever know me. He knows exactly which caresses bring me the most pleasure, and he exercises incredible restraint now – giving me pleasure without being cruel.
“You need to save your strength,” he croons deeply, “I wish we could make love before you go, but you are still too frail.” He chuckles darkly at a memory of my face in the throes of passion. “When I make love to you again – after you return to me – I won’t hold anything back from you. I promise.”
The pain in my chest is nearly unbearable. I have to be so careful to keep my thoughts shielded from him, but not so much so that he realizes I am doing so.
There won’t be a next time. I think in despair. I’ll be dead, and you’ll hate me forever. It’s already too late!
I can’t stop myself from beginning to cry again. My body shudders and shakes despite my vain attempts to reign in my emotions. The babies are growing distressed as well, also feeling my emotions no doubt. They are beginning to roll around and kick me, and I’m forced to shield their movements from Gaara’s awareness too.
Oh shit… this was a mistake, I start to think in panic.
Gaara can sense my distress skyrocketing and he begins to second guess his choice. His desire flares at the strength of my own. He realizes he doesn’t know for sure how long I’ll have to be gone. He hates the thought of me remaining distressed like this for weeks – so far from him. He also longs to comfort me with his body. His body aches with need and it inspires his thoughts in a new direction.
Oh God… should I let him try? I feel torn in two.
“Shhhhh… Love,” he whispers seductively in my ear. “I’ll give you peace. I’ll give us both peace.”
He begins to move his hands again, and I am so desperate for what he offers that I allow it. He strokes his hands along my skin, focusing now on all the little places he knows bring me the most pleasure – the places that drive me mad. A small moan of pleasure escapes my lips and his entire frame stiffens with need. He breathes deeply to steady himself and shudders against the desire slamming through him. He wants nothing more in this moment than to flip me over and drive himself deeply within me – but the idea that he could hurt me jars terribly against the inside of his skull.
He begins suckling and kissing along my neck and shoulder, and rubbing his erection against the smooth skin of my back. He lets his hand drift between my legs, and I cry out softly as he finally gives me the touch I crave. I try desperately to keep his sensations of me altered the tiny amounts they need to be in this position, but I am thrilled that I can keep so much of my attention focused on the pleasure tearing through me.
I have been without his touch for entirely too long, and the separation feels much longer for him than it does for me. I don’t bother to hold back my moans and sighs as he pleasures me. I don’t care who can hear us. I will hold this moment in my heart until my last breath. The sounds of pleasure coming from me heighten his own pleasure and he’s beginning to lose himself in it. His hands become firmer, his movements against my back rougher, and his breathing faster. He doesn’t fight his pleasure, and soon I can feel his release tear through him with incredible strength. He groans into my back as his body shudders. His bliss washes over me and pushes me over the edge with him.
We lie together for several minutes, just breathing hard in the dark.
“I love you so much,” I whisper as a new tear rolls down my cheek to splash on my pillow.
“I love you too,” he mumbles sleepily. He kisses the back of my neck again sensually, cleans me tenderly, and then slowly drifts off to peaceful sleep.
I wait until I know he’s been asleep for at least an hour. His sleep so far is dreamless. Now, I attempt my final deposit of memories. I crawl my way into the depths of his mind and find my little secret hiding place. I carefully plant the precious memories I have gained since I awoke from my coma. I build in as much as I can remember from my interactions with our sons – them finding me and pulling me from the dark, the sweet one humming to me, and the serious one’s concern for Gaara. I also build in something new. I play for him Temari’s grief – her screams and her rage at my revelation, and her bone deep devotion to our boys. I can only hope this will help him in the days to come – that somehow it can overcome the strength of his grief.
I’m so sorry, I leave a ghost of my own voice. It may be hard to believe, but I love you. Even in this moment, when I cannot be fully honest with you, I still love you. You will always be my only love.
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Love Me When I'm Gone

58. Goodbye