Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Captured Heart	By : MisatosPenPen Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male > Kakashi/Sasuke Views: 5996 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Captured Heart
- 2-Two
- 3-Three
- 4-Chapter 4
- 5-Iruka
- 6-Monotony
- 7-Flight
- 8-Chapter 8
- 4
- 5
- 6
My first attempt at Kakashi/Iruka. It’s not a pairing I’ve ever really liked because it felt people only got into it because they are both Naruto’s teachers. Otherwise, I never saw a reason for them to get together. Here is one of only two likely scenario’s I can come up with. Will I write the other? Maybe.
Yamanaka Santa is the name of a real character in Naruto. He is the one Kakashi teams up with when they are fighting the reanimated Seven Swordsmen of the Mist.
Beta’ed by PhoenixInnocence
----------
The pain he woke with was nowhere near the pain of waking up in Sasuke’s bed after that dungeon, but he refused to move nevertheless. This time, however, he could feel the warm sunlight and smell the heat of it coming up from his fresh sheets. He opened his eyes.
Instead of a darkened room and a dark haired man, it was the bright hospital room in Konoha and a bright haired woman. Not the leader of one village, but the leader of another.
“Hokage-sama.”
“Kakashi. Welcome home.”
Kakashi tried to sit up, but Tsunade pushed him back down. “I’m so very sorry, Kakashi. I tried to get you back. I’m so relieved you escaped.”
“Forgive me, Hokage-sama. I broke. I told him why I was there.”
“Don’t worry, Kakashi. I examined you while you were unconscious, so I know what happened. You went through a lot. I think you lasted far longer than anyone else would have.”
“But I didn’t just tell him why I was there; I told him about everything I discovered. He knows his own weaknesses and will fix them. I betrayed Konoha. Forgive me.”
Tsunade shook her head. “You’re forgiven. If I had known something like that would happen to any of my shinobi, I wouldn’t have sent anyone. I’m the one who’s sorry, Kakashi. I should have known better than to send someone he had a history with. I’m giving you time off to recover. Full pay as well as pay for the time you were gone. Four months of torture,” she mused. “It’s remarkable anyone could hold out that long.”
“Four months?”
“You’ve been missing for four months. Four months after you were due to return.”
“I thought maybe two. But my sense of time was distorted. Four months?” He knew he was only with Sasuke at the end for three weeks. Three months of torture? How was that possible? Did he sleep for a month? Was his memory lacking?
“Very quickly, I want to know if you garnered any information. You can write up a full report at your leisure, but I want anything important that you learned now.”
“Most of what I learned is no longer valid. I told him all his weaknesses when I broke. I can only give you intel on five individuals.” Kakashi’s voice returned somewhat to normal, sinking into his normal ‘reporting in’ tone. “The two in charge of me were about fifteen. Sasuke said they were apprenticing in interrogation and I was their first solo case. They were brash and sadistic, but followed orders. They fear and respect Sasuke even though Sasuke isn’t much older than they are. I never heard their names.
“The girl, Sayeko, I’m pretty sure she’s Sasuke’s student; she’s close to him. I think he tried to use her as a sympathetic ploy which failed. It was after that that Sasuke worked on me himself. She seemed nice and shy, sort of like Hinata, but if she is Sasuke’s apprentice, she must be harder than that. I also suspect she’s a genjutsu user. I never witnessed her using any jutsu.
“Sasuke has his own ANBU corps, of course. He had one of them in charge of me, though he wasn’t there at all times. His code name was Shou, but I don’t think it’s a name that will be used again. He’s good. Very professional. I think he was raised as a shinobi so he’s either a missing-nin or someone Orochimaru had captured. He didn’t reveal any techniques or any characteristic that I could use to identify him. He was always masked and the only thing I can say is that he’s maybe an inch taller than me with black hair.
“The one that caught me was actually a giant cat.”
Tsunade nodded knowingly. “The Uchiha were close to a loyal clan of cats. That they’re serving him now in his new village isn’t surprising.”
“It’s name was Bonna. That’s all I can tell you.”
“Did you read the documents you brought back?”
“No. I didn’t have time.”
“They suggest Sasuke’s village isn’t strong enough to be a threat, but strong enough to defend itself. Do you agree with that assessment?”
“Their defense is very strong, but I didn’t see much in the way of offense. It’s probably accurate. The feeling I got from my entire time there was that they are far more concerned with strengthening their position and security than attacking anyone. Conquest isn’t on anyone’s mind there.”
Tsunade nodded approvingly. “Rest, Kakashi. I’m keeping the gaki and Gai away; I’m sure they’re the last people you want to deal with right now. I’m restricting visitors completely for a few days except for Yamanaka Santa and Ibiki. Talk to them. When you feel like receiving visitors, let me know.”
“Thank you. Could I just dictate my report to Iruka?”
“Of course. When?”
“Tomorrow. I want to get it over with.”
“Tomorrow then. I’m actually very proud of you Kakashi. Four months; that has to be a record.”
Kakashi didn’t take any pleasure from her praise; he knew he did far more than talk. He fell desperately in love with the greatest potential enemy Konoha could have.
-----
It was late afternoon when Iruka arrived in Kakashi’s hospital room.
Kakashi had already began to recover while in Kazaguruma, so he wasn’t nearly as weak as Iruka expected. Kakashi sat up and leaned forward over a bent knee.
“Thanks for this, Iruka-sensei.”
Iruka offered a forced smile. He hadn’t been given any details, but he was warned that Kakashi had requested that he come and take his report about his capture and torture. He didn’t feel right smiling, but he wanted to keep the mood as light as possible. “It’s better than trying to read your chicken scratch.”
Kakashi’s face was covered as usual, but his eyes showed he smiled. Iruka took a seat and dug through his bag for paper and pen.
Kakashi took a deep breath and started his tale. He began with his border crossing and sneaking around the countryside and then into the village Kazaguruma. He told Iruka everything about his spying. When it came to his capture and torture, Kakashi left nothing out, not even his hallucination of Rin. He detailed everything he could.
His story didn’t deviate from the truth until he woke up in Sasuke’s bed.
“I woke up in a bed as Sasuke promised, but it was Sasuke’s bed. He raped me again, but he wasn’t violent about it. I was too weak to struggle. He kept me there for at least three weeks, but I was unsure of the passage of time. I slept a lot. I got up whenever I could and tried to retrain my body, but it was difficult. Sasuke knew it too, but didn’t scold me or bind me.
“I’m not even sure I could call it rape, I just gave in. He didn’t sleep there though. It may not have actually been his own room because he never slept there, but otherwise, it seemed to be his room. The door and windows were always guarded.
“I eventually found the escape tunnel in Sasuke’s closet. Once I felt I had the strength, I grabbed whatever papers he’d left in the room and ran. I was lucky not to get caught; I made it over the border and collapsed.”
Iruka had grimly written down every word. He was struck to the heart by what Kakashi had gone through. He remembered Sasuke as child and that he could have grown to become such a monster hit him as well. Then again, he always had that dark look in his eyes, that superior air, that glare. Maybe it wasn’t so surprising.
“Um, I’ll file it right away.” Iruka couldn’t look up, couldn’t look Kakashi in the eyes after what he heard; he was too embarrassed.
“Thank you, Iruka. I couldn’t stand the idea of having to write it out; it was easier to say it.”
“I understand. I’m just glad you made it out and you look pretty good considering.”
“How would you know, Iruka? You’ve barely glanced at me since you came in.”
Iruka blushed. “Sorry. It’s just embarrassing, you know.”
“Oh, I know.”
“But you do look well.”
“At a glance.”
“At a glance,” Iruka conceded. He did look up to see the amused look in Kakashi’s eyes. That put him more at ease even as the amusement bled from his eyes.
Iruka had only seen Kakashi once since his eye was restored during the war and never saw his Sharingan before. Now, Kakashi was without his headband at all. He had his normal mask and sleeveless shirt and it was the first time Iruka had seen Kakashi this stripped down. Both eyes, hardly wearing anything, and his hair left completely wild . . . This was the first time Iruka realized how hot Kakashi was. Not threatening or intimidating, just sexy. But Kakashi had just been raped. Several times. He would have no interest in a relationship with another man.
Iruka blushed and averted his eyes for a different reason this time. Amusement filled Kakashi’s eyes again. Kakashi knew exactly what Iruka was thinking. He grew depressed again and his throat tightened. He would probably never see Sasuke again and here was his opposite in many ways: tanned, leaner build, warm eyes, not possessing godlike power, and so, so kind.
Kakashi was feeling alone, abandoned. Iruka was attractive and kind and apparently attracted to him. He swallowed past that lump in his throat. At least maybe he could confide in Iruka.
“Call me an ass or whatever, I don’t mean any offense, but you loved Mizuki, right?”
Iruka looked up, stunned by the sudden change and choice of subjects, but under the circumstances and the depressed look Kakashi had, Iruka was sure this wasn’t teasing.
“Yeah, I did.”
“How did you deal with it all? Him turning traitor and being locked up? Trying to kill you?”
“It was hard. I sort of poured my heart into Naruto. I realized my life was better without someone like Mizuki in it. He was haughty and belittling.”
Kakashi sighed. Iruka was concerned. Certainly Kakashi was capable of love, but . . .
“Did you lose someone, Kakashi-san?”
“Yeah.” The word came out heavy.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yes.” He rubbed his eyes.
“I’ll gladly listen.”
“Everything is strictly between us.”
“I won’t tell another soul.”
Kakashi stared at him, evaluating the truth behind those words. He sighed and looked away. “Why is the only person I could ever love the one person I can’t have?”
“You’ve never been in love before?”
“Never. Rin was like a sister. I’ve never loved anyone before. I didn’t want to love him. I can’t help it; I love him. My heart aches for him. It ached even when he was right there. I can’t see my own future anymore. There’s nothing. My life’s a blank now. I just want him back, but I know I’ll never see him again.”
“Who?” Iruka figured it had to be someone Kakashi met while he was on this mission, while he was searching for information. Kakashi hadn’t mentioned anyone, but that might have been because his actions with that person would violate his mission or his oath to Konoha. The idea that it could be Sasuke didn’t even occur.
“I can’t say. I don’t know what to do. I just . . . between him and what happened . . . I don’t want to go on missions anymore, I don’t want to do anything. The pain in my heart just seems to course through my veins. The thing is, I know the pain would still be there even if he was in my arms. I love him so much.”
“Does he love you?”
“I really don’t know for sure. He said he did, but I can’t really trust what he said.”
“He’s an enemy shinobi.”
Kakashi nodded.
“You don’t want to be a shinobi anymore?”
“I don’t. I’m in my thirties; ancient for a shinobi. My body’s been so badly abused that I’m not sure I could train back up to standards. And I’ve never broken before. I really have no confidence that I could bear any torture again. I would talk rather than face anything like that again. I’m afraid I . . . If I went out there again, I’d be afraid. I don’t have my Sharingan anymore. I was feeling vulnerable without it, but now I feel like . . . like I’m powerless. Defenseless. No weapons, no armor. I now know I’m not good enough without my Sharingan.”
“That’s not true. You’re still a formidable shinobi.”
“But I don’t feel it. If I have no confidence; I can’t do my job.”
“Perhaps that’s for the best,” Iruka said gently. “If you faced him in the field, could you kill him?”
“Never.”
Iruka nodded. “Let me recommend retirement to Tsunade. I’ll tell her all of that, except for your lover.”
“Thank you. But I don’t know what to do.”
Iruka knew what he wanted to say to Kakashi: ‘Go to him.’ But that wasn’t possible. Kakashi would be a missing-nin, retired or not. And his lover might not truly love him—even Kakashi doubted the man—and kill him or betray him to Sasuke who would not be lenient a second time. Also sending him out there feeling as powerless as he did might be a death sentence.
“Just please promise me you won’t do anything rash.”
“I vowed long ago never to go like my father did.”
“Rest. Heal. I’ll talk to Tsunade. You’re not the first shinobi to retire; there’s something you can to do.”
“But the pain won’t go away.”
“Not completely, but with time it gets easier.”
“Thank you, Iruka. You’re the kindest person I know and the only one I feel I can trust. That’s why I asked for you. I am sorry that you had to hear those things, but I trust you.”
“Thank you.”
-----
Iruka handed in Kakashi’s report to Tsunade.
“There’s something else I’d like to discuss,” Iruka said. “He talked to me, confidentially. He should retire. He can’t be a shinobi anymore.”
“Just because of the capture? Many shinobi have been able to bounce back. He may have been under duress longer than any other, but Ibiki and others suffered far worse, albeit for shorter lengths of time.”
“It’s not just that. He feels like he can’t be effective anymore. The loss of his Sharingan has made him feel inadequate. I’m not sure how much he relied on it, but he must of have depended on it. He doesn’t feel like he can do his job. He also doubts that he can train back up to his former standards. I think he might have some post traumatic stress too. He said that he would feel afraid to go back out in the field. His confidence is shattered. I don’t think he should be allowed to return to service. Anyway, he’s lost the heart for it. I was worried he might attempt suicide, but he assured me that he wouldn’t go the way his father did.”
Tsunade sighed. “He’s on leave for a few weeks to recuperate. He has time to think about it. If he still believes he can’t return to work, I’ll grant him retirement. He’s done so much for us for so long, he deserves it. He talked to you, so I want you to keep an eye on him. Help him; I don’t want to lose him.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“Yamanaka Santa and Ibiki will talk to him tomorrow morning. See if he’ll let you sit in tomorrow as well. If he’s shared more information with you, I want someone to know the full story.”
“Understood.”
-----
Kakashi did let Iruka stay while he talked to Santa and Ibiki. Both men were impressed by Kakashi’s endurance. Kakashi didn’t feel like he deserved their awe. Iruka’s heart ached for him. The praise he was receiving seemed to just beat him down further.
“Let me look into your mind,” Santa requested. “I won’t go very deep.”
“Fine,” Kakashi sighed.
Santa came up to him and put his hand on Kakashi head. Kakashi pushed the worst of his experience to the forefront and Santa didn’t try to dig any deeper; what he saw was horrible enough—the torture in the cell and what Kakashi could really remember of the rape—and it corroborated his report. He said as much when he ended the connection.
That done, Santa told Kakashi that he would need to see them for therapy to treat the PTSD and Ibiki said he would offer any help Kakashi wanted. Then Iruka was left alone with Kakashi.
“I know you feel like you failed, but you really—”
“I don’t need praise, as sincere as it might be.”
“Kakashi-san, it kills me to see you like this. No one in this village is more respected than you.”
Kakashi huffed. “That respect is based on tales. Lies. Half truths. If you knew the whole story behind those stories my reputation is built on . . .”
“Stop it. I know how reputations are built. Yours is deserved. You are a leader and skilled.”
“I’ve completed hundreds of missions, but I failed every time it mattered.”
Iruka looked like Kakashi had just said Iruka had failed every time it mattered. He looked wounded. But a moment later he was stern. “That’s enough!”
Kakashi looked up in shock at Iruka’s outburst.
“You are wallowing in self-pity. You don’t think you can work anymore, and you might be right. But trying to degrade yourself and the example you’ve provided to others is just cruelty directed at yourself. It’s selfish.”
This was the sensei Naruto and others feared and respected. Kakashi’s shocked expression eased and he smiled softly. “Hai, Iruka-sensei. Forgive me.”
Only now did Iruka realize what he’d just done and said. He blushed.
The tightness was back in Kakashi’s throat. He forced a swallow. “It’s just that it all still weighs on me. Obito, Rin, losing Sasuke. I succeed in missions, I’ve protected many comrades, but when it comes to the people I really care about, I lose them. I lose every single one of them. Itachi was my subordinate for a short time; did you know that?”
Iruka shook his head.
“When he killed his clan . . . I felt like it was my fault. He was under my command for months and I didn’t see it. I saw the darkness that allowed him to be a good ANBU, but I didn’t see . . . I didn’t see a murderer. Of course, in retrospect, knowing the truth, there was nothing to see. But I can’t shake that feeling of guilt. Like I could have helped. I could have prevented it all.
“I wasn’t allowed to go to Minato’s side during the kyuubi attack. But I had a Sharingan. I was a jounin. I was in ANBU. If I had been at his side, they would still be alive. I could have trapped the kyuubi in a genjutsu. I could have fought. But I was forced to hide in the forest. Like a civilian. Like a coward.
“I lost Sasuke. But then I wasn’t good enough to protect my sensei’s son. Jiraiya took him from me to train and protect. That was my job. He was my student. And Sakura. She left me to train under Tsunade. I lost all my students. They were taken in by the Sanin, but I still lost my students.
“My father abandoned me, Obito died because of my stubbornness, Rin threw herself in front of my attack because I couldn’t protect her, I couldn’t save her in time.
“Now, even Gai nearly died right in front of me. It’s just too much death. Too much loss. My students are alive, but they’re not mine, they’re not my children. They have their own lives, making their own places in the world. Without me. I’m alone. Everyone leaves or dies. What future do I have? I can’t even work and earn a shinobi’s death. What’s left?”
“You have friends who are alive.”
“True. Tenzou, Genma, Raidō . . Gai’s still alive, but crippled. Kurenai. But I can count them on one hand. I haven’t been disgraced like my father was, but I understand. What am I living for?”
Iruka didn’t realize any of this. He didn’t realize what losing his students had meant to Kakashi. When he recommended them for the Chunin Exams, he called them his soldiers. Iruka didn’t realize how wounded Kakashi really was. This experience was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. It had really broken him.
Iruka put on a brave face and smiled gently. “You’re entering a new phase in your life; you’ll find something to live for.”
Kakashi wanted to cry. He wanted to pull Iruka to him. He was just so good and kind. He didn’t understand anything, but he listened, he cared. Why did he have to fall in love with Sasuke? Why couldn’t he have fallen in love with Iruka before he left on this damn mission? Anything now would be tainted by his feelings for Sasuke. Tainted by that hole in his heart Sasuke carved out.
“Thank you, Iruka.”
-----
Kakashi was released from the hospital and was summoned to the Hokage’s office. He stood before her desk, only five minutes late. It was melancholy, not visiting graves, that made him late today.
“Kakashi, I know everyone, even you, expected that you would be the next Hokage. Your physical condition really has little bearing on the position—Sarutobi-sensei wasn’t as spry as he once was when he was Hokage.” She left out her own physical condition. “But I think it best for someone else to succeed me.”
Kakashi didn’t want the position, but it stung. He lost the confidence of his superiors. “I understand. What about my retirement?”
“That, I am not going to grant. Rather, I’m promoting you. I want you to take over as the second in command of ANBU. Well, third to me. It’s administrative.”
Kakashi nodded. “I accept.”
“Not naming you Hokage is not a sign of lost of trust,” she explained.
Oh, but it is, Kakashi thought. When Sasuke said that because of him Kakashi would never be Hokage, this is what he meant. He always knew he’d be sending Kakashi back and that he’d destroyed his chances of getting the top job. That’s why he reacted the way he did.
“I understand. Putting me so high up in ANBU is a position of trust.” Or where to put someone who needs to be watched. His heart was being rung. He’d lost Sasuke and he’d lost the faith of his homeland. He lost everything. He couldn’t have one or the other. A desk job.
“I hope my experience will be an asset to ANBU.”
Tsunade gave him a warm smile. “I know your input will be invaluable. You have another two weeks to recuperate and get resettled.”
-----
Kakashi returned to his small apartment. He really hadn’t spent much time here in the nearly two years since the end of the war. It was lonely especially after sharing a room with Sasuke for several weeks. The enormity of all of it hit him and his stomach sank. His life had changed forever and not for the better. He was alone and distrusted. Sasuke’s words came back to him: ‘We’re both alone.’
He had nothing to unpack. He’d asked for the clothes he escaped in for when he left the hospital. People probably thought he wanted them as a trophy from escaping, but it was to remember Sasuke. They were the clothes Sasuke gave him; his own uniform had pretty much been destroyed. They also gave him Sasuke’s coat. He pressed the wool to his face and inhaled. He didn’t smell Sasuke.
He took a shower. It made him feel more at home: this was his shower. Then he could dress in his own clothes. Then he sat on his bed. But he was alone with nothing to do.
He sat there for a long time before someone knocked on the door. He stood to answer, already exhausted thinking it was Gai; he couldn’t deal with his enthusiasm now. But he stood straighter when he opened the door and saw Iruka standing there.
“I wanted to see how you were settling in.”
Kakashi took a breath to speak, but he let it out as a sigh. Why lie to Iruka? “It doesn’t feel like home. I’m bored and there’s just nothing I want to do.”
Iruka gave him a look of sympathy. Kakashi hated that look; he didn’t want sympathy.
“Hey, let’s go out for ramen,” Iruka suggested. “Get out and do something normal.”
Kakashi smiled. “Yeah, that’s a perfect idea.”
-----
He needed this. This was the epitome of normalcy. All he needed was a loud blond next to him and his favorite book in his hand.
Teuchi served them their usual orders and turned to clean. Though he heard all—and most knew it—he at least made it look like he heard nothing.
“What have Naruto and Sakura been up to since I left?” Kakashi asked.
“Oh, you weren’t around!” Iruka exclaimed excitedly. “Naruto and Hinata are dating!”
Sasuke had already broken that news to him with far less enthusiasm, but Iruka could see nothing but his eyes which looked honestly shocked. He remembered what Sasuke said: they balanced each other out. He and Kakashi balanced being equal. It made him sad and that bled into his expression.
“I think everyone in the village knew she had a crush on him, but he finally saw it and asked her out.”
“He knew,” Kakashi said. “Hinata running out to confront Pain all by herself must have been a sight. Even before that, I knew she loved him. I think he realized it then. He just wasn’t ready.”
“You’re right. Why are you sad?”
“That’s one of my kids.”
Iruka smiled. “I’ve seen so many students go on and grow up. Naruto’s class wasn’t my first, but they were the most special, mostly because of Naruto. I still get choked up, but I guess it doesn’t hit me as hard.”
Iruka tried to be polite and not look Kakashi’s way too much to prevent accidentally seeing Kakashi’s face, even though he wanted to see it as much as anyone. He blushed at the very idea.
“What about Sakura?” Kakashi asked.
“I last saw her buying medical ingredients about a week ago. Nothing new with her that I know of. Really, nothing much happened while you were gone except with Naruto and Hinata.”
“I wondered about it. I spent a long time in the dark. I’ve been gone over five months.” Spying for one and captured for four. The loss of time felt heavy. “Nothing’s happened, but the world feels so different.”
Iruka didn’t know how to respond.
“At least the excellent ramen here hasn’t changed,” Kakashi said with more cheer and louder so Teuchi could hear him. “The whole village rebuilt, but at least our ramen is as delicious as always.”
-----
Iruka split off to his own home half way towards Kakashi’s apartment. Kakashi tried not to look like he was hurrying back to his apartment, but he was feeling exposed out here. It was his own village, but he still felt like he was being watched.
His single latch key had nothing to jangle against as he opened his door, but his neighbor must have been listening for him. The old woman, a retired kunoichi, came out and greeted him.
“I thought I heard you come home, Kakashi-san.” She picked up his houseplant from the table just inside her door and handed it to him.
“Thank you for looking after him.”
“Not at all.” She smiled. “It was a long mission this time.”
“Quite.”
“A hard one too.”
He knew he didn’t look well; it didn’t take a shinobi to notice that. “Yeah. Thank you again.”
He retreated into his sanctuary. He held the pot in his arms for a minute, like it was puppy he was reunited with. “I’m home,” he said to it, then he put Mr. Ukki back in his place on the windowsill.
When the building was blown down by Pain, Mr. Ukki’s original pot had shattered, but the little plant had survived. He lost a few leaves, but he was found among the remnants of Kakashi’s apartment. His books were found with him and a few other things. Kakashi bought a new pot—another orange one—then wrote the name on the pot like the original, but it was his own chicken scratch rather than Naruto’s childish scrawl.
Kakashi rubbed one of the leaves. It was pathetic how much affection he had for a houseplant. He still had no idea why, but Team Seven had given Mr. Ukki to him. Naruto presented it to him saying it was from the three of them. Sasuke and Sakura stood behind him; Sasuke looked away, a little embarrassed, and Sakura was smiling like Naruto. It was sweet of them. It hadn’t been his birthday or anything, so he never figured out why they had chosen to give him a gift. Especially a houseplant. Maybe the name was a clue: “gloomy.” Perhaps he’d been gloomy for a few days and they wanted to cheer him up.
He checked the soil; a little dry. He took the glass he kept just for Mr. Ukki, put a drop of plant food in, then went to the kitchen to fill it with water. He poured the water in slowly. It was pathetic really. He really didn’t want this little plant to die. He was relieved when it was found in the rubble. It was stupid to care so much for a plant.
He changed back into his pajamas, shut the curtains, and slipped into bed before the sun set.
-----
Kakashi didn’t even think of leaving his bed the next day until the afternoon light darkened to bronzy gold through his curtains. He just wanted to stay in bed. His back hurt and his head hurt. He sat up and had to laugh: it was the same as when he started his recovery in Sasuke’s bedroom.
As his stomach started to complain about being empty, he realized he didn’t have any food. He rubbed his head hard, kicking his hair up into more disarray. He sat there in a tank top and pajama pants with a shuriken pattern. They were loose on him.
The knock on his door startled him. He was equally startled to notice it was dark now. He turned on his lamp and went to the door. He was less surprised to see Iruka this time.
“I brought take out,” Iruka announced cheerily. “I figured you wouldn’t want to go out shopping or to eat, so I thought I would bring you something.”
Kakashi gave him a sad, but affectionate smile. “Thank you. Come in.”
Kakashi made tea, that was one thing that had some shelf life and he didn’t routinely toss before a long mission. Iruka opened the boxes on Kakashi’s low table. Kakashi handed him a pair of plates and Iruka got comfortable while Kakashi waited for the water to boil.
“I think I have some sake as well,” Kakashi offered.
“I shouldn’t; I have class in the morning.”
Kakashi realized he had no idea what day it was. Was it Sunday? Midweek? Time had no meaning in Sasuke’s bedroom.
He measured a good amount of leaves in the pot and, once the water started to simmer, he turned off the gas and poured the water. Kakashi sat down with two tea cups in his hand. The room was meant for a bachelor, so there wasn’t a lot of room around the table, so Kakashi’s back was nearly against the wall. Iruka had more room behind him.
“Itadakimasu,” Kakashi said. Iruka followed suit and they ate while the tea steeped.
Kakashi was careful as ever not to show his face, purely out of habit, and Iruka was politely not trying to sneak a peek. It was on his mind, however.
“Why do you wear a mask?” Iruka asked.
“Why do think I wear it?”
“Um. Well, I don’t think it’s because you’re ugly. You just can’t be. I don’t think it’s because you have scars because so many of us have facial scars and among shinobi they’re often badges of honor. If you were that vain, wearing the mask would sort of negate vanity because now no one can see your face. I guess I think it’s just an affectation.”
“I’ve been told I am a perfect fifty-fifty combination of my parents. After my mother died, father would look at me and get sad. So I hid my face under the pretense of mimicking other shinobi. I’m sure he saw through it. Then after he was disgraced, I wanted to hide how much I looked like him.
“Once I made peace with my father’s decision—with Obito’s help—the mask had become such a part of me, I couldn’t stop wearing it. It was part of my identity.
“Also, I can just hide my hair and scar and not be known among my closest friends without the mask. That can be very fun.”
Kakashi leaned back against the wall. “You want to see it?” Kakashi pulled down his mask without waiting for a response.
Iruka jumbled out some sounds that were attempts at words. His blush was at the sight and at his inability to speak.
“And that’s another reason I wear a mask. Everyone who sees my whole face gets hearts in their eyes. As you can imagine, I’m shy about my face.”
Sasuke didn’t have hearts in his eyes. No, he had pure lust that first time. Kakashi’s jaw and stomach clinched at the memory of Sasuke’s face.
“I’m sorry,” Iruka said, still blushing. “I’m no different then, am I? But you are handsome.”
“Thank you.” Kakashi stroked his bare face, never comfortable to have anyone look at it. He pulled the mask back up. “It’s become second nature to hide it. Even when I’m alone.”
Kakashi checked the tea, deemed it strong enough, and poured both cups.
“I understand why you’d wear the mask. I guess it’s not good for a shinobi to draw a lot of attention.”
Kakashi smiled and his tone turned cheerful. “Ahh, but sometimes it’s good to draw attention. That handsome playboy couldn’t possibly be a spy or a ruthless assassin.”
Iruka laughed. “Hiding in plain sight.”
“Right. Done it often. I think of Sasuke sometimes. He had the fangirls. I just had one girl who loved me. I often wondered how that affected him. To have so many who ‘loved’ him because he was cute and not know him at all. You know Sakura didn’t even know he was an orphan?”
“Really?”
“That pissed him off; she said she loved him without knowing him. I avoided all that. People kept their distance because of my father and my own reputation. I think we both felt isolated for opposite reasons.”
Iruka thought he understood the sudden switching of topics; Kakashi was trying to figure out what went so wrong with Sasuke. “Sasuke had a lot stacked against him. I’m not sure there was anything anyone could have done to change his path.”
“I just needed more time. Orochimaru and Itachi just didn’t give me enough time.”
“I bought Manjū for dessert,” Iruka said when they finished their meal.
“I don’t care for sweets,” Kakashi said apologetically.
Iruka smiled. “More for me!”
It made Kakashi smile to see Iruka excited about a dessert. He dug in like a kid, biting into the sweet bun with delight. Like an adult, Kakashi just poured himself another cup of tea.
“How can you not like sweets?”
“People have different tastes. I know a guy who loves tomatoes; he loves acidic things. I don’t care for sweets or tomatoes.”
“You are strange.”
“No dispute.”
Iruka felt a little awkward when he finished. “I guess I should leave.” He stood up and gathered the remnants of their dinner. He put the dishes in the sink and put the trash in the bin. Kakashi stood up slowly to follow Iruka to the door.
“Thank you again for bringing me food. I appreciate it. I was wondering what I was going to do for dinner.” Kakashi closed in very close to Iruka.
“I’m glad I’m not being a nuisance.” He blushed at Kakashi being so near.
“Not at all. If not for you I’d be alone and starving,” Kakashi said it in a light tone, but Iruka looked grieved.
Kakashi was already deducing a few things about Iruka and his previous relationships. He felt others’ emotions too strongly, so he could tell when people were depressed and he would try to help to the point of annoying people. He must have meddled too much with previous partners and they called him a nuisance more than once. He was a nurturing type. A mother hen. He knew Kakashi wouldn’t be up to venturing out of his apartment so he coaxed him out yesterday and brought him food today. It was that kindness of his.
Iruka couldn’t keep his eyes up, couldn’t look at Kakashi so close to him. Kakashi was enamored with that sight. Shy Iruka. Not only did Iruka refuse to look into his eyes, he tried to hide his blushing face. He rubbed his scar with a finger. Kakashi wondered if the younger man knew how seductive that was. His innocence charmed him.
Kakashi pulled his mask down. He tilted his head and found Iruka’s lips. Iruka was surprised, but he didn’t pull back. He tentatively kissed back. Kakashi threaded his fingers into Iruka’s bound hair and combed out the tie that kept it pulled back. His hair was heavier and silkier than Sasuke’s which was soft and light, able to stand up to make that distinctive hairstyle.
When they opened their eyes, Kakashi looked into those large brown eyes with hope swimming in them. He shut his eyes to those innocent orbs and kissed him again. Iruka pressed against him.
Iruka was no virgin or innocent teenager; he knew what he was doing. Kakashi didn’t ask if Iruka really wanted to have sex with him, just put this hand low on his back and pull him lightly back into his apartment.
Iruka was lightheaded. This beautiful, strong man who he was falling in love with was kissing him. Kakashi’s hand strayed down to Iruka’s ass. Iruka had never known his nerves to be so sensitive. It was like lightning up his spine.
Kakashi pushed Iruka against the wall and kissed him even harder. They pushed up against each other. Their hips pressed together and Iruka’s breath hitched. He could feel Kakashi’s hardness through their pants. Kakashi overwhelmed him. The taller man had him pinned. His hygiene hadn’t been the best the last few days, but he wasn’t working out either. He actually smelled good. And god, his body felt good against his.
Kakashi upped the ante and slid his hand across Iruka’s hip and brushed his hard length. He shuddered and gasped. Kakashi’s lips ventured to his chin, then down his jaw. Iruka nearly came when Kakashi’s mouth closed around Iruka’s earlobe.
Kakashi disengaged to ask, “You want to go all the way?”
Iruka’s heartbeat sped up even more. His breath trembled with every quick, high pressured beat. Kakashi whispered, “Do you?” in Iruka’s ear. Iruka couldn’t speak so he nodded. Kakashi turned off the light and moved Iruka toward the bed and they stripped.
It was hasty, artless, desperate stripping in the dark, but they could hear each other, easily find each other when they were finished. Kakashi’s skin was still cold, Iruka’s was as hot as Kakashi thought it would be with his tan skin.
Kakashi pulled Iruka into a kiss and practically rolled them into his small bed. They rubbed against each other, their cocks crossing and trailing against the others’ stomachs, nipples scrapping over their sweaty chests.
Kakashi reveled in Iruka’s heat. It was like . . . He pulled Iruka closer to drink in his body heat, his fingers digging into his hips. Iruka moaned. Kakashi drew his hands up Iruka’s back, leaving a spreading trail of goosebumps in their wake. His fingers were cold, but the sensations they caused warmed him.
Being above Kakashi, Iruka dove deep into his soon to be lover’s mouth. Kakashi answered with as much vigor as he was getting. Iruka braced himself on his elbows on either side of Kakashi’s head, his loose hair hiding both their faces.
Kakashi was under no delusion whatsoever that this was Sasuke. His heart and body were aching for someone. And this innocent school teacher was enticing and Iruka loved him. That’s all he really needed right now. He desired Sasuke’s touch, but Iruka’s would do.
Kakashi came to himself enough to remember he needed lube. He put his hands together around Iruka’s back and created a shadow clone. The clone fetched the lube he used when he was alone and dismissed as soon as the tube was in his hand.
Kakashi flipped them, yanking his lips from Iruka’s. He moved to take Iruka’s hard cock in his mouth. Iruka gasped. Kakashi shimmied to move one of Iruka’s thighs over his shoulder. He pushed up the other thigh to stroke the underside with his other hand as he sucked. The lewd sounds of Kakashi’s mouth was embarrassing Iruka as much as the situation.
Kakashi finally stopped to coat his fingers and prepare the teacher. He didn’t have to be told that it had been a while for the younger man. He used his mouth to distract him. He had recent firsthand experience at this, so he knew what best to do.
Iruka couldn’t help squirming, but soon he was moaning in pleasure.
Kakashi pulled away. In a voice heavy and deep, Kakashi said, “Turn over; it’ll be easier that way.”
Iruka blushed in the dark. He’d already had his dick in Kakashi’s mouth, but the thought of turning his ass toward him was mortifying. He also wondered if Kakashi meant it would be easier for him to pretend Iruka was that lover of his.
Kakashi couldn’t see, but he was aware enough to stay just out of the way of Iruka’s moving body. He put a hand on Iruka’s lower back. His hands had warmed and that hand was comforting there, even as Iruka could feel the movements of Kakashi’s body through it. Kakashi rose up on his knees, getting in position behind him. His hand moved down to his hip to hold him still.
The feeling of Kakashi’s hot, smooth, slippery cockhead pressing against him and slipping inside with a little pressure had Iruka’s head spinning. His heart was beating so fast and it was hard to breath. That comforting hand returned to the center of his back. Iruka took a few deep breathes. His heart slowed a little and half the dizziness subsided. But the dizzying thrill remained.
Iruka’s body was so warm. Once he was fully inside him, Kakashi leaned over him. He was in no hurry. He leaned down, laying his chest on Iruka’s back. He could feel the quiet thunder of Iruka’s breaths in his ribcage. He kept most of his weight on one arm on the bed, the other he curled around Iruka’s chest. He was tall enough that his nose was in the brunet’s neck. He kissed the top of his shoulder through the silky hair.
Iruka was calming. He always hated this position because it felt less intimate, but the way Kakashi lay on him and held him and kissed him, it felt almost more intimate than face to face. He could feel Kakashi’s chest filling and his breath on his neck. It all felt just so comfortable. He could stay like this forever.
Kakashi rolled his hips, starting with just a slow shallow thrusting to ease them both into it. The feeling made him desperate to feel more. His pace quickened until he had to lift himself up to thrust harder and faster, taking more of his length out and pressing back in.
As it got more intense, Iruka started to worry about the bed knocking the wall, but there was no headboard or bedposts, there was only the mattress to hit the wall. A wall with no neighbors behind.
Kakashi’s worry was that he would reach completion before his partner. He reached around and jerked Iruka off as he sought his own release. Iruka came moments before him.
Kakashi lay forward on Iruka’s back for moment as they both came down from the rush. He backed off to let Iruka lay flat and Kakashi wedged in beside him.
No words, no kiss, just a hand on Iruka’s back keeping his body from chilling from the air on his sweaty back. Iruka dropped off savoring Kakashi’s warm presence next to him.
-----
Iruka woke up with an arm around his body. He was in Kakashi’s arms. He really didn’t want to wake Kakashi, but it felt rude to slip out without a word.
“Kakashi. Kakashi, I have to go to work.”
Kakashi groaned and turned onto his back, his arm slipping away from Iruka’s body.
Iruka slipped out of bed and turned on the kitchen light so not to be too bright to Kakashi as he went back to sleep, but Iruka could see his clothes. He dressed hurriedly and carefully turned out the light, opened the door, and shut it.
As he walked home, Iruka had some time to contemplate what had just happened. They were two consenting adults, so that wasn’t the issue. But why had Kakashi slept with him? Wasn’t he traumatized? Was he attracted to him? Iruka always thought of himself as being rather plain. He wasn’t ashamed of the scar on his face, but he thought it was unattractive.
Kakashi was gorgeous. That beauty mark on his jaw just drew the eye. He had a few days’ growth on his face, but that gave him a rugged, scruffy charm. He was . . . dreamy. Though he’d wondered what the older man looked like, he hadn’t really formed an image in his mind of what he might look like. That was not what he expected. He was perfect. The scar through his eye and the white hair just added to his beauty. Why on earth would he want Iruka?
Maybe it was because Iruka cared about him, checked up on him. Maybe he was the first to care. Kakashi said one reason he hid his face was to avoid people falling in love with his looks. Sasuke had every girl’s adoration when he was younger, but none of them knew him. Kakashi feared that. Maybe he slept with Iruka because Iruka cared about him before he saw his face.
Iruka couldn’t stop a stupid smile. Was it always that easy to get to the man? Just care about him without seeing his face? He wondered how many had seen that face and fallen in love. How angry or depressed did that make him?
What Iruka fell in love with was the man who earned the respect of the entire shinobi world. He fell in love with the man who could accept Naruto as a shinobi and not a monster. Even if he said they were nothing but his soldiers, he loved his students. He was also another orphan.
It took him longer than it should for Iruka to make it home. Not just because his ass hurt a bit.
-----
Kakashi was dreading this part more than any other: visiting Gai.
Gai had a new home built to accommodate the fact he was stuck in a wheelchair. Through it all, Gai never lost his cheer.
“Ahh, Kakashi! Back from another successful mission!”
Kakashi sighed as he sat across from his old rival at the table. “Not really, Gai.”
“Oh?”
“Gai . . .” It was hard to say to him. Gai was always cheerful and speaking to him about serious matters was always irksome. “It wasn’t successful.”
“But you are alive!”
“Yeah, that’s true.”
“At least it was a partial success.”
“I wouldn’t even say that.” Gai didn’t butt in this time. “I was captured Gai.”
“Eh? By who?”
“Sasuke.”
That finally made Gai lose his smile.
“I was tortured for months. What’s worse . . . I broke. He broke me. I thought I had finally experienced the most pain a person could inflict on another, but then Sasuke surpassed it. He never even used his genjutsu. I broke. I talked. I didn’t just give him the simple answer he wanted, that I was there as a spy, but everything I learned while there just poured out of me. I told him everything I found and now all that information is invalidated.”
“But it took months.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s something to be proud of,” Gai said, all serious. “There probably isn’t a person in the world who could be tortured for months and not talk. Shinobi can overcome physical pain; you’ll recover.”
“I was raped too.” Kakashi couldn’t look him in the eye when he said it. Admitting it to Gai pressed his shoulders down. He was ashamed, but also felt somewhat . . . self-righteous, like that was something that put him beyond others, like he couldn’t be judged for anything else because of what he endured. And yet, he still felt enormous shame.
“But you’re alive.”
“But too broken to care.”
“Cheer up, Kakashi, we’re still in the Springtime of our Youth!”
“But we’re not in the springtime anymore, Gai. Summer, at least. Maybe autumn. Four months of torture? Yeah, autumn.” Before Gai could try to contradict him again, Kakashi went on. “I tried to retire, but Tsunade decided to give me an administrative position in ANBU.”
“That’s good. If you retired when you’re this depressed, you wouldn’t last long.”
“That is true. I have to find something else to live for besides work.”
-----
A grown man loitering near a schoolyard would normally be cause for concern, but everyone knew Kakashi wasn’t that kind of pervert. The children had gone home by that time anyway; only the teachers were still in the building.
Iruka came out and was greeted by a cheery looking Kakashi. “Yo. I thought I should treat you to dinner.”
Iruka blushed. That was so enduring. Kakashi tried to remember if Sasuke blushed once in the entire time they were together. Not one instance came to mind. Sasuke was shameless—except when he was crying.
The rush of blood to Iruka’s scar must have tickled because he always scratched at that scar across his face when he blushed. That was even cuter.
“Ahh, yeah. Thanks.”
“Sushi?”
“Yeah.”
It was an uneventful meal. Kakashi kept up the game of keeping his face hidden and their conversation neutral. Iruka couldn’t help blushing several times when he looked at Kakashi. The two of them had had sex last night after all. And with that blush came the urge for Iruka to scratch that scar. It made Kakashi smile. It made Kakashi’s heart feel brighter.
For half a meal, Kakashi didn’t think about Sasuke. Until he remembered eating in that restaurant with Sasuke. Sharingan pinwheels whirling in the wind outside, the smell of sea fog rolling in.
“Kakashi-san?”
“Sorry. Remembering.”
“Your lover?” he asked quietly.
“Yeah. He’s the last person I ate with like this. Across from each other at a restaurant.”
Iruka was embarrassed. “Hey, come over for a night cap?”
“Yeah, okay.”
-----
Iruka’s place felt more alive than Kakashi’s apartment. Kakashi had one houseplant; Iruka had several. The place was warm and green. It felt lived in. It was lived in. Kakashi didn’t do much in his apartment apart from sleep. Iruka lived here.
Rather than a bachelor’s studio apartment, this was a good sized one bedroom. The living room, dining room, and kitchen shared one large room.
“Sake or beer?” Iruka asked, gesturing for Kakashi to sit on the sofa.
“Beer, please.”
Iruka was quick to return with two cans which he opened for his guest. He sat next to Kakashi, leaving almost enough room between them for a third person. Iruka used all his boldness to invite Kakashi over, now he was all shyness. He did pull his hair loose though as he normally did when he got home.
Kakashi pulled his mask down and drank. Iruka glanced over to see his face. Iruka’s shy attention amused him.
He turned to Iruka, still barefaced. “Iruka-sensei, no class tomorrow?”
“No, it’s Friday.”
“I’ve lost track of the days.”
Iruka finally did look at him. Kakashi looked sad and it pulled at Iruka’s heart. “It hasn’t been long since you came back. You’ll get your bearings back soon.” He wished Kakashi was wearing his mask; it would hide that look from him.
“Iruka, I don’t regret what happened last night. I enjoyed it. I can see you have feelings for me; it would be cruel for me to let them grow. I don’t think a relationship would be . . . wise. You know I already love someone else and you deserve someone who will love you wholeheartedly. Don’t waste your time loving me.”
Iruka’s blush deepened and he had to avert his eyes. “I do . . . like you, Kakashi-san. I don’t regret last night either. I don’t care if you love someone else. I know you’ll never forget him, but let me love you. Maybe I can help you forget, just a little.”
“Iruka, you are the kindest person in the world; I couldn’t hurt you like that.”
Iruka’s wide eyes met Kakashi’s. “You’ll never see him again, will you?”
“Probably not.”
“What will you do? Live the rest of your life abstaining from loving anyone else? Die alone? I love you. Let me love you. I’ll do what I can to make you happy and ease the pain.”
“Do you still love Misuki?”
“Sometimes I remember the good times. No. I didn’t love him that deeply.”
Let me love you. Sasuke said that too. He let Sasuke love him and then Sasuke told him to leave. He knew Sasuke wanted to keep him, but he sent him away. Kakashi took a long swallow of beer.
“Alright. You shouldn’t though. You’ll end up hurt again.”
“You don’t have to forget him and your feelings for him. I want you to love me, but you don’t have to.”
His heart thudded loudly in his chest. Maybe there was a possible future here. Maybe he could love Iruka.
Kakashi put his beer down and took Iruka’s hand. He rubbed the top of the teacher’s hand with his thumb. When he moved his fingers over his palm, he felt only a few calluses. No sword calluses.
Iruka put his own beer on the table and turned toward Kakashi and leaned forward. He gripped Kakashi’s exploring hand and pulled Kakashi closer.
“Alright,” Kakashi whispered.
Iruka pulled him closer and kissed him over that gap between them. Iruka crawled in closer, closing that gap.
Kakashi may no longer be an active shinobi, but he wore his uniform; it was as much habit as the fact he had little else to wear. Iruka also wore his uniform. There were vests and pouches between them more than last night.
Iruka unzipped Kakashi’s vest and Kakashi returned the favor. Suddenly, Kakashi wanted it off. He wanted the damn vest, the pouches, the stupid blue uniform, he wanted it all off. He shucked the vest with impatience. Iruka mistook that as need to be with him. He stood up to lead Kakashi to the bedroom without turning out the lights.
Kakashi eagerly follow, stripping off the annoying uniform as he went.
As they both finished stripping in the dim light from the living room, Iruka caught glimpses of Kakashi’s pale skin still blotched with fading bruises. He didn’t want to stare, didn’t want Kakashi to become self-conscious.
“Lube?” Kakashi asked.
Red faced, Iruka searched his nightstand. He wondered for a moment if lube expired and if they should even trust it.
Kakashi didn’t care or even think about such things. He crowded Iruka onto the double bed and knelt between his legs.
Kakashi ran his hands down Iruka’s chest. His skin was smooth and warm. He lacked any scars along that path. He took a moment to look at his darker body. He was in shape, but not battle worn. Iruka had seen the kyuubi attack when he was a child and went on many missions, but he didn’t know war. Didn’t know the type of experiences Kakashi and Sasuke knew. He could see no scar except the one on his face.
Kakashi used a palm full of lube to stroke his cock. In the dim light, Iruka could see the action and it made him nervous to see how large Kakashi was and embarrassed to be watching Kakashi essentially jerk off in front of him. Kakashi drew his hand slowly down his erection. He wasn’t really thinking about lubing his cock, really he was jerking off while looking at Iruka’s body. Iruka was beautiful and erect. Kakashi was amused at the fact that six months ago, he never would have dreamed being turned on by a man.
Kakashi leaned down to kiss him. Kakashi planted his elbows over Iruka’s head and pulled his hips into Iruka’s. Iruka wound his arms around Kakashi’s neck and shoulders. Holding onto Kakashi, Iruka pushed up into Kakashi, trying to contribute. Kakashi smiled into their kiss.
The force of their joining started to bang the headboard against the wall. Kakashi stopped, pulled a pillow from next to Iruka’s head, and shoved it behind the headboard, silencing it. Iruka blushed at the fact his neighbors must know what he was doing.
Regardless, Iruka was more comfortable sighing in his own bed. He moaned and groaned and clutched at Kakashi’s back, shoulders, neck, and head. It felt so wonderful. He loved Kakashi, loved what he did to his body. He hadn’t felt this sensitive, this swept away since his first time.
Iruka was the one who pulled at his erection this time as Kakashi’s thrusts came quicker and harder. Kakashi came first. He remained inside him as Iruka brought himself off. They curled up together, sleeping tugging at both of them.
“Move in with me,” Iruka muttered. “Don’t be alone.”
“You’re only going to get hurt.” His voice was extra deep and rough after sex.
“I don’t care. I love you. Let me take care of you.”
Kakashi nodded.
Iruka smiled and stroked his chest. “Sleep, love.”
Kakashi felt a tug at his heart. Sasuke would lay closer, pretty much on him, call him ‘love’, and lick his neck. He missed him.
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Captured Heart