Undercurrents

Neji sighed and snapped the laptop closed with a little more force than necessary. He grabbed his glass of wine off the wicker table and drained it, throat working as he swallowed. He kept hoping the wine would calm his nerves and give him patience…

So far, it was just giving him a faint headache.

Putting the laptop aside, Neji stood and stretched, his movements cat-like. The late-afternoon air was pleasant, and a breeze ruffled his hair as he walked over to the porch railing. A crew of men had the Ferrari out in the driveway to clean and detail. Rosemary’s car was parked in front of the house, and she was inside organizing the chaos of Neji’s closet after his clothing fit last night before the gala. He could practically hear her disapproval of all the rumpled suits thrown about the room; but when Neji arrived home last night he’d been in absolutely no mood to deal with tidying. Instead, he dropped straight into bed and slept with his hand wrapped around his cell phone. Just in case a certain man called the following morning to announce his arrival.

Not that he’d ever admit that to anyone…ever.

Now his iPhone lay on a chair on the covered side porch, and Neji refused to look at it again to get nothing but the same disappointment. It was only four…Shikamaru had many hours in the day left to appear and ease Neji’s…anxiety.

“I’ll come by tomorrow.”

Sighing, Neji allowed himself a moment to recall the way Shika’s body tensed as he came, the way his face looked when he let himself go – trusting and needing Neji. The way he cursed through clenched teeth when something felt particularly good.

One of the detail men let out a loud laugh bringing Neji out of his thoughts. He rubbed at the bridge of his nose and then paced up and down the porch that ran along this side of the house, and if anyone asked he would just say he needed to stretch his legs. He absolutely was not fretting over whether or not Shika would actually show, and he wasn’t trying to relieve some of the worry concerning their future conversation.

The front door opened and after a moment, Rosemary peered around the corner of the house. Spotting Neji, she immediately headed toward him. In her hands she carried a tray heavy with finger foods and a tall glass of fresh lemonade. Rosemary was a small, compact woman of about 40 with dark hair and eyes. She’d been Neji’s housekeeper and occasional cook ever since he moved out of his uncle’s house some years ago. Neji loved her because she cleaned like a fiend and tolerated no nonsense.

“You didn’t eat lunch,” she said, setting down the tray. “Wine does not constitute a meal.”

Neji arched an eyebrow. “And crackers, brie, and pickles do?” he asked.

She arched an eyebrow right back at him. “Better than nothing. You’re skinny enough as it is; eat something and make me feel better about life.”

Neji almost smiled and then nodded, absently walking over to pick up a cracker.

“Your closet is back in order, and the house is nearly done. I’m going to call that window company and get your glass done next week.”

“Thank you, Rosemary.” Neji half sat and half collapsed back into the porch chair. His blood practically boiled with irritation and impatience. Being housebound and waiting on the Nara without calling and demanding to know his whereabouts was just about to kill Neji.

“You need anything else?” Rosemary asked, eying the agitated man. “Dinner, maybe?”

Neji waved a hand. “I can cook, you know,” he said. The words sounded much more irritable than Neji intended.

Rosemary snorted. “You have that massive kitchen and all you ever cook is toast and tea. I’ll throw something together before I leave and put it in the fridge.” She looked at Neji, her gaze assessing.

“You want me to make enough for two?”

Neji sighed and wished for more wine, but his head was really starting to ache. “Make as much as you want,” he said, and then winced at his tone. He stood.

“I’m sorry,” Neji said. “I’m not myself today. Thank you for the tray of food and for the dinner. Enough for tonight and tomorrow would be splendid.” Neji smiled, his lips nearly cracking in the effort.

Rosemary shook her head. “No need to apologize to me, Sir. I’m just the help.” She smirked. “But if I were you, I’d fix whatever’s bothering you. I’ve never seen you like this.”

“Believe me, Rosemary, I’m trying,” Neji said, his tone more than a little bitter.

Rosemary nodded her head respectfully, took the empty wine glass from Neji, and then went back inside.

“Too bad I left fixing things up to someone else,” Neji grumbled. He went back to pacing.

An hour later and the detail men were almost ready to pull the Ferrari into the garage for the final touches. The tray of snacks was empty, though Neji didn’t recall tasting any of the food. The lemonade was fantastic, however.

Then, faintly, Neji heard a car approaching. He stilled, headache and irritation momentarily forgotten. Once he knew that it was indeed a car and that the car was coming up the driveway, Neji turned toward the back of the house. He threw open the doors off the dining room and nearly slammed them behind him. Almost angrily, Neji walked through a dining room and formal living room that would make any professional decorator proud, and he stopped in the entryway. To his left was a rotunda with a gleaming white marble staircase that curved up to the second floor. To his right were the foyer and the front door. Neji stared at the dark wood as though waiting for it to catch on fire.

If that’s anyone other than Shika, I will not be held responsible for what I will do, Neji thought with a grimace. It would be a very bad day for a Jehovah’s Witness.

Neji took deep breaths as he waited and listened to footsteps mount the front steps and cross the porch. There was a brief hesitation and then the doorbell rang. Neji breathed in and out five times before finally walking over to the double front doors. He smoothed a hand over his hair, which was tied back in its usual low tail, and tugged on the hem of his gray v-neck shirt. Then he opened the left door.

Shika stood on the front porch gazing over at the men slowly pushing the Ferrari into the garage. He wore dark jeans and a forest green, long-sleeved shirt. His hair was up and his hands were buried in his pockets. He jumped at the sound of the door.

“Hello,” Neji said and smiled. He hoped Shika wouldn’t notice the death grip he had on the door handle.

“Hey,” Shika said. “That a new one?” He tilted his head toward the garage.

“Traded in the other one for the new model,” Neji answered.

“It’s a nice color,” Shika said, looking back over at the car.

“Thanks. Come in?” Yes, please get in the house before I bodily drag you inside.

“Oh, sure,” Shika mumbled and Neji closed the door behind his friend.

“Sir? I put dinner in the fridge. There should be enough for-“ Rosemary stopped when she reached the entryway and saw the two men. She looked at Shika and then back to Neji, and her features settled into something like smug satisfaction. Then she bowed politely to Shika.

“Good evening,” she said.

“Hi, Rosemary,” Shika said.

“Thank you for your help today, Rosemary,” Neji said.

“Of course, Sir. I’ll see you day after tomorrow.” She smiled a little knowing smile at Neji and then quickly went to grab her things out of the hall closet. Neji didn’t even care about her looks – Shika was here, and that was all that mattered.

“Come on,” Neji said and walked through the rotunda heading toward the large family room in the back of the house.

“You know this is only the second time I’ve ever been here?” Shika asked conversationally as he followed.

“Oh?” Neji absolutely knew how many times Shika’d been in his home. To the date and possibly to the number of steps he’d taken while on the premises.

“Yeah,” Shika said and paused on the elevated landing before following Neji down the steps into the room.

“I was here for that Christmas party thing you threw a couple years ago and haven’t been back.”

“I apologize,” Neji said and stopped in front of a large, black, leather chair. He turned to look at Shika and gestured for him to sit on the nearby couch.

Shika bit his lip and then looked up at the two-storey fireplace for a second. Then he turned and looked at a heavy wooden door that was different from the rest of the doors in the house.

“I remember wondering why that door was different and locked,” Shika mused. He looked back at Neji, his face unreadable.

“That’s the garage,” Neji replied mildly.

Shika’s eyes narrowed. “Then it’s half as long as this house, which would give you plenty of room for all the cars. But you have the other garage for that.”

Neji sighed. “Well, one can’t have too much storage space. Can I get you something to drink?” He really didn’t think talking about what lay behind that door would help matters this evening.

Shika shoved his hands back into his pockets, and shook his head. Then, thankfully, he crossed over and sat on the end of the couch closest to Neji’s chair.

Neji sighed in relief. Having Shika in his house after waiting all day to see if he’d show was both relaxing and torturous. He wanted to get up, pull Shika into a kiss, and then sit next to him while they talked. He wanted to do many things instead of talking, actually. But instead, he gripped the chair arms and tried to appear calm. Neji’d waited years to have this sort of conversation with Shika. No way was he screwing it up now.

“Shika, I-“

“Two years ago I did something stupid,” Shika interrupted. Neji didn’t try to keep the shock off his face, but it didn’t matter. Shika leaned forward and braced his forearms on his thighs. His hands played nervously with one another while he stared hard at the carpet.

“It’s always been a little hard for me to relate to people,” Shika continued. “I have friends, I’m not a complete social moron, but…” Shika shrugged. “I figured out I was gay a long time ago but it never seemed necessary to do anything about it. To date, I mean.”

Neji nodded but Shika didn’t seem to notice.

“Then I was over at Choji’s one night with Kiba and Ino, and we all got drunk. Choji and Ino started making out, and Kiba looks at me with this grin on his face.” Shika lifted his head and stared into space, his mouth pulling to one side.

“He drags me into the hallway and asks if I have a problem with what he’s about to do. I think I said something like, ‘Depends on what that is,’ and then he kissed me.” Shika shrugged.

Neji’s grip on the leather tightened.

“So we do that for a while and then…” Shika shifted on the couch. Neji noticed and every fiber of his being trained on his friend and his words.

“And then he pulls away and sort of…bites my neck. And I hear him say, ‘It would be so sweet to get you tied up and on your knees.’ I said, ‘Tied up?’ and he, ahm…clarified. In detail.” Shika looked nervously at Neji.

“But I don’t think you need to know all that,” Shika said.

“Yes, let’s skip those particular details,” Neji agreed immediately. The leather wouldn’t survive it.

“What matters is that he said all that stuff, and I’m just…stunned. And, you know, really turned on. Too turned on. And I get all embarrassed and shit. So, I shoved him away and got the hell out of there. I still don’t know how I made it home without wrecking.”

“No doubt,” Neji said neutrally.

“The point is that’s when I realized that I might like…” Shika faltered and waved his hands.

“Being tied up and on your knees?” Neji supplied.

Shika looked at him quickly and then looked away fast. “Right. So…I started doing research into D/s and bondage, just to see if it got me hard. It did. And I wanted to try some of it. But I didn’t want to do anything with someone I actually knew or who lived in town.”

“Why not?” Neji asked, though he thought he knew the answer.

“Because I didn’t want…anyone I knew to see me like that. Logically I knew that it made the most sense to go to someone I trusted, but I rationalized that it would make more sense to go to a professional who knew more than I did, explain my situation, and experiment. That way, if I made a complete fool of myself, it would be some stranger who knew it. Not some friend I’d have to face in class or something.”

Neji suspected as much. “Go on,” he encouraged.

“So I looked outside of the city and into the next town over, and I ended up going to this place called Haze.”

Neji’s only outward sign of distress was one slow blink. But oh shit…Haze? The place was notorious. They hired in doms without doing a lot of background checking, their rules weren’t strictly enforced so long as enough money changed hands, and generally most people in the know avoided the place. People went to Haze when they wanted something that Break outlawed.

“And it was bad,” Shika said. His voice maintained the same matter-of-face tone, but Neji thought it took a lot of effort.

“How bad?” Neji asked. “What happened?”

Shika sighed and his hands worked furiously. Neji was amazed the skin didn’t get raw.

“The details don’t really matter,” Shika said. “But you should know I went back a few times. Six, actually.”

“Six?” Neji exclaimed. Shika ignored him.

“I always saw the same guy, and he…we-“ Shika corrected himself, “tried all sorts of things.”

Neji leaned forward. “What was his name?”

But Shika shook his head. “For a while I thought I was getting what I wanted…but I finally came to my senses after the sixth session. The car ride home was pretty awful, and it occurred to me that what I really liked about the whole thing was making him happy. He would tell me he liked it when I did…something or whatever, and as long as he said that…” Shika trailed off.

“So you let him do whatever he wanted as long as he said you made him happy,” Neji summarized. He worked very hard to keep the horror out of his voice. It was just as he suspected, and in the wrong hands, Shika would be extremely vulnerable.

Shika rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“And you never stopped him?” Neji asked. A series of horrific images went through his head…an irresponsible jackass who found a pretty sub who would never say no as long as he was properly encouraged. He actually felt bile in the back of his throat.

Shika’s lips formed a thin line and he shook his head. “It’s so stupid, Neji,” Shika whispered. His hands gripped the sides of his skull, and he stared at the ground.

“It’s like I’m so weak and pathetic, and it’s so easy to keep me that way. I knew when he was out of line; I knew how to stop it. But I didn’t want to. The only time it stopped was when I nearly…” Shika cut himself off and sat up.

“When you nearly what?” Neji demanded.

Shika sighed. “Passed out.”

Neji jerked upright in the chair, eyes wide in anger. “His name,” Neji snarled.

“It was just one time, and it was two bloody years ago,” Shika said, ignoring the demand and staring Neji down. “And I know I was a dumbass. Believe me…down to every detail and every circumstance, I know exactly how, when, and why I screwed up.” Shika was nearly yelling.

“But you didn’t,” Neji said calmly. He was good at coaxing anger and emotion out of his voice, thank the gods. Otherwise, he’d be yelling in his anger at the stranger.

“Granted, you could have been smarter in many ways, as I know you understand. Researched Haze a bit more, not jumped into the deep end of inexperience with a hack.

“But, Shika,” Neji implored. “He was the one that was at fault, not you. Shika, every sub likes to please. But for those who love the validation of it – who want the praise and the kindness more than any one act – they get lost quickly, and you have to be extremely gentle and on your guard. He should of – “

Shika held up a hand. “I know what he should have done. I know what I should have done. I’m over it.”

“Obviously.”

Shika’s eyes flared with anger.

“Look,” Shika said trying to be calm. “I told you all that because it explains the rest. I didn’t see anyone for over a year. I spent the time figuring out exactly how dangerous what I like the most can be, and some ways I could avoid repeating mistakes.”

Neji frowned and sighed. Roughly translated that meant Shika spent a year kicking himself for being stupid and for wanting something that got him hurt. Neji itched to hold him; itched to prove so many things that Neji actually couldn’t enumerate them all in his head.

But Shika’s shoulders were tense, his gaze fierce, and his body language screamed for space. So Neji held on to the chair and let him continue.

“Somewhere in there, Kiba asked me out. I agreed because I thought that maybe if I tried the whole thing again with a friend, then maybe it’d go better. But I ended it early because Kiba’s pretty honest about what he likes and it’s not…” Shika blanched. “It’s not what I like,” he finished.

Neji nodded. Kiba’s tastes were wide and varied, but his heavy hand and thrill-seeking nature wouldn’t work with Shika. Not after his first experience, anyway.

“But he did tell me some things…” Shika said. Neji looked up sharply at the change in tone. Shika regarded him with burning intensity.

“What did he tell you?” Neji calmly asked.

“Nothing specific because apparently he couldn’t, but I know you’re involved in some sort of underground club called Break. I know that many of Monoshizukanohi’s rich and powerful are also involved, though I don’t know which ones specifically. I can guess, though.” Shika continued to stare at Neji as though silently accusing him of keeping secrets.

Neji didn’t say anything for a moment. So far, every one of his own suspicions was correct. Sometimes, Neji really hated being right.

“And is this all you know about me?” Neji asked.

“I think it’s enough,” Shika said. Neji resisted the temptation to snarl. The presumptuous little-

“I’m not what you want, Neji,” Shika said, his voice and eyes dropping. The words cut through Neji’s thoughts like a keen blade.

“I’m really inadequate when it comes to things I’m sure you like. It’s probably much safer for my health and sanity if I’m in a normal relationship and not one like…well, like I’m sure you want to be in. That you deserve to be in,” Shika amended, and he glanced at Neji from the corner of his eye. “I mean, you’re a Hyuga: you could have anyone you want. And that can’t be me.”

Neji let out a slow breath and then slowly stood. He forced his hands and teeth to unclench, but when he spoke the anger in his voice gave him away regardless.

“Don’t you dare…presume…to know what I want. Or what I like. Or what I need.” He paused and managed to regain some control over his voice. “And don’t you dare belittle yourself like to my face ever again.”

Shika’s jaw clenched and he stood as well. “I’m not belittling myself, Neji,” Shika nearly hissed. “I’m very good at many things, and one of them is analyzing a situation. I look at you and me, and it makes no sense.”

“What in the hell are you talking about?” Neji really, really wanted to shake Shika but managed to refrain.

Shika made an exasperated noise. “I’m a glorified farm hand and you run this country with your uncle. Do you not see the irony? Or maybe drastically different and varied interests?”

Neji’s jaw flexed, and he felt himself on the knife’s edge of a decision: he could give in to anger – which was oh-so-tempting – and tell the Nara to take his presumptuous ass out of his house. Neji was in love, but no fool. In time he’d get over it. Give him 30 years or so and he’d be fine.

Alternately, he could rise above the anger and react to the real problem, here: Shika was incredibly insecure about his position with Neji. First he finds that his casual friend has been in love with him for years, but it somehow escaped his rather attentive notice. Then, because he is interested, he has to dig up all the memories of a past he thought he could shove under the proverbial rug because, as it turns out, his friend is involved with something that hurt Shika in the past. Hurt him badly, apparently – both physically and psychologically.

And that wasn’t to mention that Shika obviously had a love and hate relationship with his need to please – something that only came out in the bedroom. He loved it because he needed it – craved that particular type of validation. And he hated it because he thought it was weak and got him hurt.

Neji closed his eyes as he sorted through the mess. He flashed back to the memory of driving to the Nara Farm and thinking that he would beg if he had to, and it took him less than a second to make his decision.

Neji took a step closer and put his hands on either side of Shika’s startled face. Shika immediately tried to step backward, which knocked him off balance and he sat hard onto the couch. Not missing a beat, Neji gracefully fell to one knee and pulled Shika toward him. He reached out and gently grabbed Shika’s chin.

Before Shika could regain his balance or composure, Neji brushed his lips over Shika’s and then sat back on his heels.

“Shika, I love you. But you’re driving me crazy with all this talk of varied interests and farm hand bullshit,” Neji said calmly.

Shika looked at him, shocked.

“I’ve known you for years,” Neji continued. “And I know you to be introspective and brilliant. You’re beautiful – handsome if you prefer – and kind. You save animals and tend land for a living, and in my world that makes you more of a man, not less. I lie, cheat, and steal favors for my uncle and for this country, and there are many days when I think the only thing that keeps me grounded, sane, and humane is my friendship and connection to you.”

Shika made an exasperated noise and tried to jerk his chin away. When he couldn’t, he looked down. Neji almost fussed at him, but then he saw that Shika’s eyelashes were damp. More of Neji’s cool façade crumbled. He released Shika’s chin and touched his face with cool fingertips.

“After Kiba I decided to avoid that type of relationship altogether,” Shika rasped. He cleared his throat but didn’t look up at Neji.

“I was an idiot,” he said. “An irrational, illogical idiot. I did everything wrong, got myself hurt, and I swore I’d never do that again. For me, the place where logic gives way to need is dangerous. I lose myself…and I can’t afford to do that.”

Neji lightly squeezed both Shika’s knees. “Shika, that’s all well and good, but swearing denial to yourself won’t fix the problem if you still crave that kind of release.”

Shika grunted. “There was no problem until you showed up,” he said. “And now it’s infuriating.” Shika leaned back a bit and rested his weight on one hand.

“It’s like you slip past all my defenses, and at first I’m angry…but then I just don’t want you to leave.”

Sighing, Neji shifted back and then leaned down to rest his cheek on Shika’s knee. He heard the little intake of breath above him and closed his eyes, smiling.

“It’s only fair, Shika,” Neji said. “You do the same thing to me. Only difference is that you’ve been doing that to me for years.”

“I’ve thought about this from every angle, and I know what the choices are. I just don’t know if I can…” He sounded miserable.

Neji sat up and his eyes met Shika’s. “First of all, stop berating yourself so much. Your first partner was a monster, and Kiba’s responsible and good at what he does, but he’s not your match. You don’t have enough experience to kick yourself so hard for being unsure. Especially not when you consider what you’ve gone through.”

Shika’s mouth formed a thin line as he considered that. Then he nodded once. “You make a point,” he conceded.

Neji smiled. Shika and his damned logic. “Second, you’re right: I am involved with club Break. I’ve been in the Scene for years longer than you have, which affords me the right to speak from experience. And I can say with some measure of accuracy that you and I are a good match.”

Shika snorted.

“And I don’t just say that because I’m willing to do just about anything to be with you – although that’s true, too,” Neji admitted. “I say it because I know exactly what I like and I’m gaining a fair understanding of you.”

Shika looked down and fidgeted.

“So you need to decide if you want to continue to trust me.” Neji reached over and brushed a thumb across Shika’s sharp cheekbone. “Like you did last night.”

“I think I already made that decision,” Shika muttered. “Even though I told myself you’d probably call it off once I explained everything.”

Neji shook his head. “That’s just fear. I already told you that there’s nothing you can say that would make me think any differently of you.”

Shika stayed quiet for a moment, and Neji rested his hands on Shika’s legs and rubbed soothing circles with his thumbs. Then Shika sat forward and grabbed one of Neji’s wrists.

“You say we’re a good match, but I don’t know that. And while I’m sure this feels slow to you, it’s moving at light speed for me. I don’t want to slow down or stop, but I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t scare the hell out of me.” It looked like that admission was a hard one.

“You don’t know anything about my private life, Shika,” Neji whispered. “But know that all my fantasies in the last few years all involved you and in absolutely none of them were you weak, in serious pain, or trying to get away from me.”

Shika’s breathing went a little ragged, and he looked away.

“As for what I like? I can tell you something right now…I love touch.” To punctuate the point, Neji slid his fingers down Shika’s thighs and then lifted his hands to ghost over Shika’s face and trace the tips of his ears.

“Touch?” Shika whispered, gaze still down.

“Yes,” Neji said softly. “I don’t let myself touch other people very often, and growing up touching nearly always hurt. So…I like it, and I’ll do it a lot with you.” Neji shrugged one shoulder.

“But that’s so…basic,” Shika muttered and finally looked up. His face formed a rather adorable frown as he tried to reconcile the gap between his expectations and Neji’s reality.

Neji smiled at him. “So is the need to please, Shika. It’s what’s done with these things that make them good or bad.”

For a moment Shika stared at Neji. Then his lips formed a sour expression. “I feel like an idiot around you.”

Neji laughed, a soft and caring sound. “If I help run the country, then you help run one of its largest and most successful businesses, Shikamaru. You’ve never been an idiot for a second in your life.”

Shika scowled. “I don’t help run the farm; I try to avoid that as much as possible.”

“Well, that in of itself takes a certain type of genius, Shika,” Neji said, amused.

“I still think someone else would make a better-“ Shika began.

“What did I say about belittling yourself?” Neji asked and sighed.

“Dammit, Neji, this isn’t some self-esteem issue.” Shika pushed backward on the couch to give himself some room to talk with his hands. “It’s not rational.”

Neji laughed, and for a moment Shika looked fascinated. A real laugh from Neji was a rare thing.

“Since when is love ever rational, Shika?” Neji asked.

Shika grunted, perhaps conceding the point, and crossed his arms. “I…don’t know how I feel about you or this,” he said. “Enough to know I want to continue, not enough to tell you I feel the same as you do.”

Neji’s lips pulled back in a smile. “Thank you for being honest,” he said. “But like I said in the beginning of all this, I’m just hoping for a chance.”

Hands fidgeting and gaze downward, Shika nodded once. “So what do we do now?”

“Now we go on a date,” Neji said.

“A date?” Shika said and looked up.

Neji laughed again. “Yes, you know…those things that couples go do when they want to get to know one another better.”

Shika seemed to consider that.

“All right…” he said, finally.

“And…” Neji paused and slowly reached a hand out to settle on Shika’s hip. “I’d love a kiss.”

Shika made an amused noise.

“It’d make me very happy,” Neji murmured.

Shika’s gaze focused with those words. Then he sat up, moving closer to Neji.

“It would? Just that?”

“Just that, Shika,” Neji whispered and then his lips covered the Nara’s. While their tongues danced, Neji pulled Shika up to his feet and wrapped his arms around him. He kissed Shika like he wanted to drown in the feeling; to wipe away every bad thing in Shika’s memory and replace it with this sensation.

After a moment, Shika pulled away, gasping. His eyes were a little clouded, and he shook his head.

“Can I ask for something?”

“Always,” Neji replied immediately.

Shika shifted his weight onto his other foot, and he turned his head to look at Neji from the corner of his eye. The hesitation was adorable enough to kill.

“When we go out, could we take the Ferrari?”

Neji chuckled and answered with another kiss.

~*~

A/N: Hi everybody! In the course of writing this piece of fiction, I did a fair amount of establishing for the characters: house plans, drawings, references, etc. You can see some of those over on the LiveJournal Page (darkprism_fics). Sort of proof of my insanity. XD

And thank you so much for reading and for the reviews! Particularly you - Jordash00. Your kind words continue to make me smile.