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Searching for Something	By : jellybelle21 Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1063 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Neji felt he would die of relief when the Sand Siblings finally left Konoha, and he had managed to avoid any direct contact with Gaara after the morning that he had come close to making a seriously big mistake.

It would have been a mistake, I know. It doesn’t matter. Of course I wanted him. He may not realize how sexy he is, but everyone else can tell at a glance. He’s even better than Sasuke. There’s no one like him. I look like every other Hyuuga, and Sasuke looks like every other Uchiha. We’re nothing special. He won’t have any problem finding something better.

Neji had felt horribly guilty about what he had said to Gaara that day, but he kept telling himself at least it had worked, at least it drove the other man away. He had set Gaara free, and that was really the kindest thing he could possibly do. Neji knew he was obsessive. It had been a year since he kissed Sasuke, and he still had a hard time putting it out of his mind, putting Sasuke out of his mind. And surely if things had gone any further, he would find himself becoming at least as obsessed with Gaara. He hated feeling so helplessly controlled by something that Sasuke probably never even thought about, and he didn’t want to be as completely controlled by thoughts of Gaara. It was a good thing he had pushed him away before he got in too deep.

And on the positive side, Neji found that he barely thought of Sasuke anymore. His thoughts were consumed with Gaara, but he was sure that would pass. He had found that he could cure one obsession by replacing it with another. He would simply do that again.

He began dating Tenten, hoping that he would be able to forget Gaara quickly. She was ecstatic, and he realized in an oddly detached way that Tenten was a very good girlfriend. She wasn’t too needy, she could stand up for herself, she was attractive in the way that girls were supposed to be, she was smart and considerate, making sure to do things that Neji would enjoy, and not pressuring him to do things he was sure she wanted to do, like holding hands or kissing in public. He could see that she put him above herself, that she wanted only to make him happy, and he felt with an overwhelming assuredness that no matter what, he would never love her, even if she poured every ounce of her love into everything she did.

This also made him feel guilty, but he was sure he could overcome the problem by moving along the physical aspects of the relationship. He wanted desperately to be able to return her feelings. He wanted to be normal, and just love this girl who would be an ideal wife. His uncle approved of the match, and kept hinting at marriage and children, saying that it was about time Neji settled down and started a family, and it made him feel suffocated, terrified, and full of despair. No matter how he tried, he couldn’t see Tenten in that way. He considered proposing to her anyway. They’d had sex, he could do it if he just kept his eyes closed and imagined she was someone else. Gaara, basically. Luckily, he had never had sex with Gaara, or he would probably know the difference, and he likely wouldn’t even be able to maintain an erection. He found Tenten to be about as sexual to him as an animal. She was warm, and there was a hole, and his body was pretty satisfied with that, but it felt weird and unnatural to him.

Why can’t I just learn to enjoy it?

She would do anything he asked. She sucked him, she let him have her in any position, and never complained about how he wouldn’t go down on her, or touch her down there at all with anything but his dick. Even thinking about it made him want to be sick. He couldn’t confront himself with the overpowering…femaleness of it. It smelled weird, it was wet and mushy, and it always made him think of a drain-hole. Just looking at it made him want to gag, and he had no interest in the rest of her body, either. Her breasts were just another reminder that she was a she, and he took to taking her from behind, so that he couldn’t see that. He pressured her into anal sex even though he could see clearly that she dreaded it, and didn’t really enjoy it when he did it. Possibly because he cared very little for foreplay, and possibly because he never did anything to assuage her fear that he didn’t really care about her, and was just using her as some fuck-hole.

Finally, she’d had enough.

“Neji,” she had tears in her eyes as she rolled over, naked and sweaty from the sex that had ended only moments ago. “If I ask you a question, will you answer me honestly and not get angry?”

“What?” Neji hated it when she talked right after sex. He was trying to enjoy his orgasm, and when he realized she was there, it spoiled it.

“Are you gay?” she asked, and he felt every bit of vestigial pleasure evaporate in an instant. “Seriously, just tell me, I swear I won’t get angry.”

“Why would you think that?” Neji was furious, but struggling to contain it. She had asked him not to be angry, and he would do his best. She gave him everything, after all, and he had nothing to give her in return. “I just fucked you, and in case you missed it, you’re a girl.”

“I don’t know.” She stared at the ceiling, turning away from him and breathing deeply, her breasts heaving with the movement of her lungs. “Just…I mean, you always want to do it that way, and you…well, one time you…”

“What?” he prompted her.

“Well, the other night, I mean…I thought maybe I imagined it…but you called out a name, and it wasn’t mine.” She was whispering now, the way she did when her feelings were hurt, but she was trying not to show her weakness to Neji. She knew he thought it was annoying when she cried. “You called me Gaara.”

“I never did.” Neji had not realized that. It was true he liked it best when they had sex in the dark. He could imagine she was anyone, then. And he did usually imagine she was Gaara. It helped him finish. “Why would I call you that? I don’t even really know Gaara. You must have imagined it.”

“You don’t really know me either!” she turned back to him, pulling a sheet over her nakedness. “What’s my favorite color?”

“Green.” He guessed at random. She snorted at him, but he wasn’t sure if that meant he’d been right or wrong.

“And when’s my birthday?” she continued.

“January fifth.” He hazarded, and she laughed out loud harshly.

“My favorite color is red, and my birthday is March ninth.” She told him in a dry tone. “You’ve known me since school! We’ve been teammates for almost ten years, and you can’t even tell me those things? I bet Lee would know the answers!”

“Then go sleep with him!” Neji cracked, raising his voice. He rarely yelled, and he tried not to yell at Tenten no matter how she annoyed him. She was trying her best, really, but it seemed he was helplessly obsessed with another man, and no matter how much time he spent with her, or how many times he slept with her, that would not change. “I don’t see how me not knowing your favorite color means I’m gay, anyway.”

“That night we first kissed, you were getting off when I came in the room. I pretended not to notice, and when you kissed me, I forgot all about it, but what were you doing? I mean, you were in Sasuke and Naruto’s bed. Did that turn you on?” she asked, acid in her tone.

“Fuck you.” He glared at her. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“And you were always staring at Sasuke back then!” she went on, gathering steam. “Like he was a piece of meat. You were practically drooling! Everyone could tell, but they didn’t say anything, because we knew that Sasuke was with Naruto and he wouldn’t ever break that up to be with you. And when we started dating, I figured it was just a phase, or like you had been confused, or maybe you liked both, but there’s really nothing about me that you like, is there?” Neji didn’t answer, rolling over so his back was to her. His heart was hammering in his chest. Did everyone really know how he had felt about Sasuke? He had thought he was secretive about it, that he kept it well hidden.

“And your uncle was so excited to find out you weren’t gay, only you are, aren’t you?” she insisted. “Did you think you could change if you just had sex with me enough? Did it ever bother you to think that I loved you, and you were just lying to me?”

“I never said I loved you.” He answered in a cold tone. He heard rustling, and assumed she was getting dressed.

“Just answer me this.” She asked him, moving around and dressing hurriedly. “Did you ever have sex with Gaara?”

“No.” he answered in a quiet, defeated tone. What was the point in hiding anything from her? She knew all about him, and there he had been thinking that he was fooling everybody, even himself. It was impossible.

“What about Sasuke?” she wanted to know.

“No.” he answered softly again, and something in his tone made her come around the bed, kneeling in front of him, and no longer looking angry. She just looked sad, like she pitied herself, or him. Maybe both.

“So you really were a virgin?” she asked him.

“Yes.” He kept emotion out of his tone, trying desperately to detach himself from this scene. He was always able to detach himself from her before. Why couldn’t he draw away from it now? His heart ached and felt like it weighed a ton.

“You really thought you’d be able to change, didn’t you?” she brushed fingers over his cheek, and he felt a horrible choking sensation, and when he saw the tears drip down her cheeks, realized that he was going to cry and used every last ounce of will to control the urge and push it away. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Neji closed his eyes, concentrating on pushing away the despair as he realized he would always feel this way, and there was nothing he could do. He was always trapped. By his family, by their expectations, and now, by himself. “I shouldn’t have put you through this.”

“Even now, I can’t help loving you.” She kissed his forehead lightly and gave him a sad smile. “And I want you to be happy, but if you keep ignoring what you want like this, you’ll only be miserable the rest of your life. And I’m really sorry, but I can’t do this. I can’t pretend I don’t notice. I should have never agreed to date you in the first place. I knew, all along, I knew, and I just thought…well, I thought you’d prove me wrong. I wanted that so badly, but you can’t go against nature.”

“What I want is against nature.” Neji told her in a quiet, frustrated tone.

“That’s stupid, and you know it.” Tenten told him, shaking her head. “Are you saying there’s something less real about the way Naruto and Sasuke feel because they’re both men? Don’t let your happiness go because of what other people think.” She stood then, stretching her arms. “Thanks for trying, anyway,” she told him, and he could see her smile was forced, but he appreciated it in any case. “For a while there I was the envy of all the girls, dating the hottest man in Konoha.”

“I’m not—“

“Oh, like you don’t know it. With the time you spend preening.” She giggled, and even though another tear fell down her cheek, the laugh didn’t sound fake. “Anyway, maybe you should ask Tsunade for some time off, get your head together, you know. Take a vacation. I hear the Sand’s really nice this time of year.” And with that she left as though he hadn’t just broken her heart. He supposed she had known for a while, or she couldn’t be handling it as well as she did.

“Thank you.” He breathed and fell asleep, thinking over her words.

----------

Neji wanted to leave Konoha, and didn’t realize he had been wanting to until Tenten suggested it. He felt oppressed, somehow. Knowing that all his friends had known his secret this whole time and not said anything made him feel betrayed and paranoid. He felt irrationally angry at Naruto for ever suggesting he date a girl if he knew that Neji was nursing a massive desire for Sasuke. He imagined that his friends all knew about the incident that had happened so long ago now. He could picture them sitting around, Sasuke telling the story with that cruel, smug grin, all his other friends laughing and telling Tenten she had no hope of turning him to the other side. He imagined everyone looking at him, seeing straight through his collected, elite façade, and seeing every dirty secret, every shameful moment of confused doubt and self-hatred.

Part of him knew it wasn’t this way at all. He knew that his friends cared about him, and if they did know his secret, they wouldn’t condemn him for it. After all, no one seemed to care when Sasuke and Naruto started dating, even though it meant that Ino and Sakura had been barking up the wrong tree for years. Both girls had moved on swiftly enough, and seemed happy for the two men. In a group of nine friends, it was inevitable that someone had to be the odd man out. Neji had assumed that would be Lee, who was very weird, Shino, who was mildly weird, or Chouji, who seemed to care mostly only about food.

Well, if I count the Sand siblings, I guess there are twelve people. But still.

Gaara had almost certainly found someone else by now. It had been months since they had kissed, since Neji had kissed Gaara, since he had kissed Neji back, since Neji had pushed Gaara away and refused even to take a chance on something so risky, even if it made him feel better than he ever had.

He was obsessed with Gaara, he knew. Maybe what he needed was another man. But he knew that he didn’t really want another man. Even if Gaara had moved on, even if he was married with a baby on the way, or happily in love with another man, Neji wanted to just see him. He knew that he almost certainly would end up doing something stupid, whether Gaara was taken or not. It was the closest he’d ever come to understanding why people paired off, why they fell in love, why they stayed together so long. It was ludicrous. What did he know about Gaara? Very little. Gaara probably knew less about him, and you couldn’t possibly love someone who didn’t know you. Neji tried to remind himself of what he had learned from Sasuke, but he couldn’t resist it. He asked Tsunade for a month off, told her he was having personal issues, and allowed her to believe that he was heartbroken over the end of his relationship with Tenten. He packed his things, and within a week of the break-up with the woman he had hoped would cure him of his obsession with Gaara, was setting off for the desert.

He had to see him again. Just one more time, and then he would do whatever it took to forget Gaara.

-----

To be continued…
- 4
- 5
- 6
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