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Love Me When I'm Gone	By : KittenCobra Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1971 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

Chapter List
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49. Growing Pains
It has been a long time since my wedding day. I would guess that I am well into my sixth month of pregnancy. The illusion I am trying to maintain has become ridiculous. My tiny bump, which was once so easily hidden, has become huge. I can barely see my own feet now. The lengths I have to go to in order to appear as if everything is normal are laughable, and Michiko and I are challenged with a new problem nearly every day.
At the most basic level – I no longer fit through small spaces. I can’t simply “trick” my environment into thinking I do, and I have to go out of my way to make excuses for avoiding such simple situations. I also feel as if I am on the constant edge of heat stroke. It’s like having a tiny heater built into my middle – and the only mercy is that the desert months are getting cooler as winter approaches. Instead of sweltering, it’s hovering at a steady simmer. I’m also eating huge quantities. I am making up for this by eating normal amounts during the morning and evening hours, and cramming food down my throat during the middle of the day while Gaara is at work in his office. I use these hours to eat and sleep almost exclusively.
However, sleep is becoming even more elusive than the first week of our marriage. The baby in my womb is no longer the sweet little flutter from my memoires – he’s a gymnast in training. I would swear at times he is wrestling with himself. I can also sense his emotions. It’s not as clear as thought – too young and simplistic – but definitely emotion. I remember wishing he would get the chance to learn his father’s voice and it makes me want to laugh. He seems to be able to sense Gaara’s presence now, perhaps through his chakra. I’m not really sure. However he is doing it – the child expects me to be in Gaara’s presence at all times and gives me no end of grief any time I try to get moments to myself.
When I am with Gaara I cannot sleep because I have to be able to maintain my illusion. I have been able to train myself in a type of compromise – hovering between the stages of sleep and alertness. However, I am also hardly able to sleep when away from him either. The baby will not give me peace when his father is away. He flails and tumbles, kicking me hard enough to leave small bruises. His emotions are worse. At times I can feel fear, thick and overpowering. Other times I feel anger, bordering on rage. And then there are times where I can feel both, like he’s divided equally on the matter. It’s upsetting and confusing, and no amount of love from me seems to make a bit of difference.
I lie down in our big bed and rub my belly tenderly now, begging for enough peace to sleep – just for a little while. I love you so much… I whisper to him. Please… don’t hate Mommy. I just need to rest. Daddy will be home soon. I feel the tumbling again, but I feel a strong wave of affection laced lightly with fear come from the baby. I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.
Where am I? I look out across the expanse before me and see nothing but endless dunes of sand. But there… in the distance is an Oasis – a green place with signs of water and rest and life. I walk towards it, but no matter how far I walk… the Oasis stays the same distance from me… unreachable. I glance towards my feet in defeat and jump in surprise at the tiny boy beside me.
There is no question that it’s my son. He is walking along beside me with his red hair a mess, clinging to two of my fingers with his tiny hand. His other little hand holds onto his shirt front the way his father does when he’s in pain. He looks into my face with jade eyes, questioning me.
“Your father’s not here, honey.” I answer his unspoken question.
I feel a wave of fear roll off of him and he glances around the expanse as if searching for Gaara. His agitation grows stronger by the moment. I try to calm him.
“You don’t have to be afraid,” I whisper. “Mommy loves you. I am here.”
He begins to shake his head feverishly in denial. No! His upset thoughts screech to me.
I blink and suddenly he has disappeared. I feel a tiny hand around the fingers on my opposite side. As I turn to see him, my breath catches at the look on his face. He’s like a completely different child. This child looks like Gaara when he was young. His face twisted with anger and pain as he levels a narrow-eyed glare at me. I don’t realize his intention quickly enough and he lashes out with the sand, slamming it into my front. I whimper in pain.
A loud banging sound rouses me from my sleep and I grumble at the intrusion into my brief period of rest. I clutch my aching belly and feel wet tears on my face. The baby must have kicked me again. The banging continues and I realize I must pull myself together quickly to put my illusion in place for whoever is bothering me. As I reach out, I can feel Michiko’s mind… and… Kankuro’s? Damn him… Michiko is the one banging on the door, guarding me as always, and attempting to prevent Kankuro from simply barging in.
“She is not dressed for company!” she shouts at Kankuro’s impatience. “Your brother will be angry if you intrude on her in such a state!”
“My brother will be pissed if I don’t get her up,” Kankuro argues. “Besides, why the hell is she sleeping in the middle of the day?”
“That is a question for the Kazekage,” she spits in false aggravation, “not me.”
Her retort shuts Kankuro up quickly. He is not about to challenge his brother about his sex life. I would laugh if I weren’t so pissed at him for interrupting my sleep. I make sure my illusion is up and sit upright clutching the sheets to keep myself covered.
“Come in,” I groan wearily, glaring at the door.
Michiko opens the door cautiously, peering at me to make sure I am truly awake. Then she comes in with Kankuro close in tow.
“Hey sleepy hea….. uhhh…” he stutters at the realization that Michiko was not lying about my sleeping habits.
I decided on the habit of sleeping naked not long after the wedding. It gives me an excuse to be extra skittish and flustered about people interrupting my sleep. It also gives me the excuse of time if I take longer to rouse.
“What the hell do you want, Kankuro?” I ask, exasperated.
“Uhhh,” he forcefully tries to restart his brain. “Gaara said you need to get out today. He’s worried about you. It’s apparently my job to kick your lazy ass out of bed and keep you company.” He almost sneers the ending, obviously as aggravated as I am.
“Ugh!” I flop back against my pillows, still mostly upright. “What on Earth is he so worried about?”
“You can’t be serious!” Kankuro snaps and for the first time I realize he is trying to shield his own worry from me. Worry for Gaara and I both. So much of my awareness is being overpowered by this constant mental game I’m playing with the world around me.
“Kankuro!” Michiko scolds him. “You shouldn’t yell.”
“Bullshit!” he screeches at both of us. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m not stupid! You are acting crazy! You’re constantly making excuses about why you don’t want to go out anywhere. You’ve refused to do any kind of sparring whatsoever since you got back from Konoha. You look more tired and more miserable every time I see you. When Gaara’s here, you act like nothing has changed but when he’s gone you’re a fucking zombie!”
His awareness has me on edge. If he has seen this…
“I’m not the only one that sees it either!” he continues, solidifying my dread. “Temari says you haven’t gone out with her in weeks. I know you sure as hell haven’t spent any time with me. Are you seriously sleeping every day away? Is life that bad?! Gaara’s starting to notice, and so help me if you don’t come clean with whatever the hell is wrong, I’m gonna…”
“I’m sick!” I interrupt him, and then scramble to come up with another excuse…
“You…” he swallows hard, fear slamming into his mind. “You what?”
“Mizuke,” Michiko warns softly. Be careful. “You don’t have to tell him anything.” Kankuro glares at her and makes the obvious connection that this is why I wanted her in the first place – that she is covering for whatever is wrong with me. He’s angry for not seeing it before now.
“What’s wrong with you?!” he demands, looking very much like his little brother in his anger and fear.
“Look, it’s not that big of a deal,” I try to backtrack. “I’ve already spoken with Tsunade about it. She assures me that it’s nothing terribly unusual, and it will run its course soon enough.”
“What the hell does that mean?! And why are you covering it up?” he shouts.
“Because of your brother!” I admit in my anger. “Good God, Kankuro, you know how overprotective he is! He sent you here! How many extra guards has he placed in the past few weeks? How often am I allowed to go anywhere without explaining it to him first? If he thought there was something wrong with me he’d go crazy!”
I spoke with Tsunade about his odd changes in behavior weeks ago. She explained that even though he does not consciously understand my condition, his body knows. She said most men become extremely protective of their mate when she is pregnant, and there’s no real way to avoid it if I am constantly in his proximity. To confront him over it at this point would be risking his suspicion.
“Should he be afraid?!” Kankuro lunges forward, sitting on the edge of the bed and grabbing my wrist. “What is wrong with you?”
“Oh my God! It is SO not this big of a deal,” I use anger to cover my blatant lie. “I haven’t lived in a desert before. I was here in Suna the first time for a very short period. I didn’t stay long enough to start feeling the effects. My body’s having a hard time adjusting is all.” I let my voice drop to try and soothe him but I hate having to lie over and over again. I cup the side of his painted face with my free hand. “Look, that’s why I’m extra tired, okay? It’s why I don’t want to spar, and why I need to eat a little more than normal. Tsunade said I just need to get extra rest when I can, eat and drink healthy amounts to keep my nutrients and hydration up, and it will pass. It will run its course completely in less than four months. She assured me of that.” In four months I will be long dead.
He glares at me skeptically. “Can I tell Temari?” His question is a challenge. He’s still not sure he believes me.
“Fine,” I agree, “but please don’t tell Gaara. I don’t want him to feel guilty about this.”
The truth in my voice resonates with him, and he understands wanting to avoid such feelings being placed on Gaara’s shoulders.
“Get out of bed,” he orders me, getting up and heading for the door.
“What?”
“If you just need to adapt then you can’t sit around here all day,” he puts extra authority in his voice to will me into obeying him. “You’re going to hit the town with Temari and I today, and you’re going to walk it off. Besides, we wouldn’t want Gaara worrying about why I didn’t follow orders, right?”
As he leaves, Michiko shoots me a worried look.
Are you sure you know what you’re doing? She asks.
No. I admit. I have no idea what I’m doing… or how much longer this can last. We need to be ready to run. I’ll send word to Tsunade. It may soon be time for my annual trip to Konoha.
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- 50
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Love Me When I'm Gone

49. Growing Pains