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Love Me When I'm Gone	By : KittenCobra Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1971 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

Chapter List
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44. Home to Suna
As we approach the gates of Suna, I can feel fatigue wash over me again like a wet blanket. My body aches, and my mind is so overwhelmingly tired, I am beginning to truly worry about my current predicament. Part of my mind is perpetually maintaining the illusion of my physical state in the minds of everyone around me. Part of me is near giddy with the excitement of finally being back in Suna – finally being home. A larger part of me wants to curl up in a small heap and sleep for a month.
After the concert was over, I returned to my apartment – mentally fatigued by my extreme effort. I was extremely happy that I had taken extra time to sleep before Gaara’s arrival. Kakashi had come by to congratulate me on my unbelievable achievement, but had to leave quickly when Gaara snuck back into my room for the night. Gaara had been desperate to make love to me again by the time he arrived. Kakashi had attempted to describe the mental ability displayed in my performance – masking it as the final test of my camouflage technique for battle purposes. Gaara simply grunted at Kakashi before shoving him out the door. Gaara made love to me many times that night, drifting off to sleep between cravings. I had to diligently work to keep myself awake through the fatigue and satisfaction, afraid of letting my illusion end.
The next morning we bid our goodbyes to the leaf village, but several people have come with us. Tsunade and select elders are coming to observe and finalize the official wedding in Suna. Kakashi’s team – including himself, Naruto, and Sakura – have come along for protection duty. Naruto would have driven Tsunade crazy if he hadn’t been assigned to his friend’s wedding and she knows it. They elected to send the team anyway as Kakashi will be the one designated to present me to Gaara during the ceremony. I felt this was appropriate as he has become my new Sensei… and he knows the truth of what this choice means for me. Because Kakashi has his own role to fulfill during the proceedings, I convinced Tsunade to add an additional shinobi to the team and humbly suggested Shikamaru as a suitable replacement for the team strategist.
Temari was absolutely ecstatic at my covert maneuvering. The other individuals now traveling with us are all from Suna. The council members who came along to oversee Gaara’s acceptance of the Leaf’s proposal – including Baki – are returning with us. Gaara, Temari and Kankuro usually comprise their own shinobi unit, and therefore do not have any additional shinobi to return home.
Temari is extremely excited about the wedding, even though she is aggravated that her youngest brother will be getting married before her. She is constantly drilling me with questions about what kinds of decorations and materials and designs I want to incorporate. Kankuro, having healed well from his fight with Gaara, is also enthusiastic. In my own pain, I hadn’t realized how much Gaara and I’s separation had damaged him. He had seen more of Gaara’s deterioration than Temari had, and was genuinely afraid that he was going to lose his brother more permanently. Temari had always believed that we would sort things out, and had simply been trying to endure the days in between. Shikamaru’s perspective had helped her. Now that we are returning for a public ceremony – which is more than either of them had risked hoping for – they are returning to their normal selves again. Kankuro is constantly teasing Gaara about his upcoming commitment and dodging his angry responses.
My heart breaks when I think about their excitement. They both think of me as a sister, and as some kind of salvation for Gaara’s wounded soul. They have no idea that I will hurt him worse than anyone before; when I leave him, and choose to give up my life. I can only hope that in time, they will understand my reasoning. I cannot risk telling them until the end – if I even have a chance to tell them at all. Tsunade, Jiraiya and Kakashi will remain the only people on Earth who know my secret. I have only felt my baby stir a couple of times briefly since the day of the concert, and it is usually when I am pretending to sleep. It warms me and gives me motivation in my fatigue.
During the last three days travel from Suna, I have thankfully had my own tent. This frustrates Gaara immensely, but he is diligently keeping up appearances in front of his council and the elders. All of the attention he pays me is characteristically aloof but obviously protective. If he did not desire me he would not have agreed to the arrangement in the first place, but this does not mean he can risk touching me the way he would normally – with a lover’s knowledge. Most of the time, he walks beside me insisting that I keep my hand on his arm. He stares straight ahead into the desert and does not allow anyone else to touch me. This has been shifting over time, however, as my fatigue has begun to show itself. I am trying not to be obvious, but he can feel the subtle shifts of discomfort, and notices when my attention wanders.
We are so close to the gate now…
“Mizuke?” he asks in his distant voice, “Do you need to rest?”
“No,” I try to put a firm tone in my voice. “We are close to the gates now. We should not delay.”
But… your steps are slowing. He counters me with a concerned mind. Perhaps we should have Sakura or Tsunade look over you? This trip is taking a toll. I should have let you rest…
No! I wrestle with him mentally, careful which portions of my mind he has access to – as always now. I do not want to appear weaker in front of the councils. Just get me inside the gates and give me a place to rest. The concert just took a heavier toll than I expected. I am sorry.
Kakashi should not have pushed you so hard! His thoughts are angry but driven by his concern. He has never known me to be mentally fatigued like this. There was no need to test your ability so far!
Kakashi was simply accepting my own wishes, I counter trying to take the blame. The test was not just wise, but necessary. I had to know I was capable of maintaining my illusion during the upcoming ceremony and into the future months in front of the people of Suna. I was being silly. I wanted to know what I was capable of. My power has grown so much…
He should know better than that, Gaara insists. You’ve never known when to pull back, to let yourself rest. As your Sensei, he should have denied your request!
I am not a child! I spit back at him, growing aggravated. Even if he had denied me, I would have done it anyway, and you know it! Just let me…
My foot catches on a stone and I stumble. Gaara’s sand is instantly around me, holding me against him and preventing me from falling. The rest of the group’s attention is suddenly focused on us, a strange mix of surprise and concern. His thoughts are firm now, and I know he is not going to allow me another step without resting.
Perhaps he is right… I think to myself. All of Suna will be at the Gates to greet us. That is a lot of minds…
“Naruto, Kankuro,” Gaara’s voice cuts hard and deep, “Set up a tent for Mizuki. She is not used to the desert’s heat. She will rest before greeting the people.”
“Sure thing!” Naruto shouts, breaking out the supplies. Kankuro moves to join him silently.
“The rest of you should rest as well,” I add my voice to the command. “I apologize for the delay.”
The rest of the group relaxes and begins moving about to set up temporary shelter from the sweltering Suna sun. Truthfully, my need provides them all with an excuse to rest from the rapid pace Gaara usually sets. They will not complain about the opportunity. I feel Gaara’s sand curling around and beneath my body. I start in surprise as he suddenly lifts me from my feet, and cradles me in an odd cloud of sand. My feet instantly feel relief from the ache I had been ignoring. I relax into the sand’s hold – careful to try and adjust the sensation he feels from it to match my illusion.
He holds me suspended in the air until the tent is ready for me and then drifts me along inside. The shade is exquisite. I can’t help but smile. He follows me inside the tent to set me down gently, and he is shadowed by Kankuro and Naruto to maintain appearances. He sets me down gently on my small sleeping mat and kisses my forehead tenderly.
“Please rest,” his voice almost begs but is barely above a whisper. “I am sorry for my anger. I know it must tire you more.”
“It’s okay,” I try to comfort him. “You are right. It will help me if I can rest before facing the people. It is hard to… act differently when I am with you like this.”
He smirks and runs his gaze along my body. He is more aggravated by our charade than I am. He glides his hand along my arm in a soothing gesture and follows it down along my leg.
“Okay lover-boy,” Kankuro’s voice cuts in a teasing tone, but low enough for only the four of us to hear. He is still careful with his words. “Thought you were gonna let the lady rest… Or have you decided to get to know her better before the wedding? Take a test drive?”
Gaara turns to glare at his brother for his intrusion. I can feel concern radiating from Naruto, overriding his amusement at Kankuro’s joke.
“Are you okay, Mizuki?” Naruto kneels down to get closer to me, practically touching Gaara and not giving it a single thought. He looks me right in the eyes. “You seem so tired…”
“I’m alright,” I try to soothe his worry. “The jutsu I used in my performance was… a bit overkill I admit. I was showing off, and it made me more tired than I thought. I haven’t been sleeping well to recover.”
Kankuro snorts, hiding his face in his hands. Naruto blushes, drifting his eyes towards Gaara briefly. But then confusion sets in again. He knows Gaara has not touched me for two nights. Gaara will not risk it during the trip, and Naruto has seen the evidence of his aggravation.
What’s wrong? Naruto asks me, having the presence of mind to voice his question mentally instead of vocally. I am impressed with his restraint.
“It’s just nerves,” I continue for his benefit, “I have been thinking a lot about the wedding and traveling has always been stressful for me. You think I’d be used to it after so many years…”
I attempt to joke, but both Gaara and Naruto look angry at my reference to my former pattern of life. Kankuro looks thoughtful as he considers what my life must have been like. He realizes that he’s never really asked me before.
“Hey, back off and give the girl some breathing room!” Temari bursts in with her loud voice, tossing Kankuro and Naruto out the door of the tent. Gaara kisses me tenderly and leaves behind them quickly. She drops down unceremoniously onto my sleeping mat with me and throws an arm over my shoulder. “You’re gonna kill my little brother if we don’t get you home soon,” she teases.
“He’ll have to survive,” I chuckle, squeezing her back fondly.
“I’ve missed my girl time, too,” she whispers in my ear. “Being stuck in that house with those two after you were gone is enough to drive any woman insane. I don’t know how I’ve managed all these years.”
I smile up at her as she mentally flips through all the past weeks of raging at their stupidity and trying to keep them from hurting themselves. She was desperate for someone to talk to and, with Shikamaru back in Konoha, she was all alone in her anger and pain.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper back, “I missed you too, you know. I’ve been dealing with Naruto.”
She widens her eyes in mock horror before bursting into laughter. “Hey,” she finally composes herself enough to say, “Tsunade wants to check you out and she’s being real insistent about it.”
“Fine,” I agree, “Let her in. Would you mind keeping everyone else out?”
“No problem,” she slaps me lightly on the shoulder and walks out of the tent. Tsunade steps in only moments behind her.
Drop the illusion. Now! She orders me mentally. I don’t like her tone and glare at her for it. Damnit, stop being so stubborn and relax!
She sits down beside me with a small medical bag and pulls out a stethoscope. I lie back on the mattress and let go of my illusion. I instantly feel naked and frightened, and whimper slightly at the overwhelming sensation. I can feel Gaara tense outside the tent, and I send him a mental image of the cold stethoscope touching my skin on my chest and making me shudder. He seems to accept my small lie about my whimper and lets his thoughts return to the conversation he was having with one of the elders. I carefully block him from my mind entirely, except for his detection of my presence to keep him calm.
I try to relax, and run my hands over and over the tiny protrusion from my belly. I wish I could feel the baby move again, to console myself. Tsunade brings the stethoscope down on my skin, and the chill is actually refreshing. She runs it along the outside of my belly before settling low on my right side. She smiles and looks into my eyes.
Found him, she reassures me.
I want to hear! I insist.
She hands me the tiny listening device, and I place it in my ears as she carefully prevents it from moving. My ears are greeted by a tiny fluttering sound, as soft as a butterfly’s wings. It’s barely even detectable amongst all the other noise. I can feel my own smile break across my face and tears gather at the corners of my eyes.
Thank you, I whisper to her mind. I don’t know what I’m going to do when you leave.
I’m going to leave this with you, she thinks in comfort. If you’re ever afraid, or you can’t find him, send word to me and I will come. If I cannot come, I will inform Sakura and send her in my stead.
No! I argue in near panic. No one else can know about this. It is too easy to lose control of who knows already.
I will not tell her unless it is absolutely necessary, she thinks in a stern tone, but I will not abandon you. It would only be if you need it. Would you mind so much if you were afraid for the baby?
My heart stumbles at the thought. No, I admit. No… I would want her to come.
Are you sure you can maintain this long enough? Her tone is now skeptical. She sees the toll the illusion is taking on me and unlike the others knows exactly why. It is not confusing to her at all. You seem to be wearing down rapidly.
There is a… problem I didn’t anticipate. I admit with a blush to my cheeks.
He has been making love to you, she deduces. You do realize that isn’t likely to stop without giving you away?
Of course! I scoff at her. I expected THAT problem. No… the problem is that I cannot sleep. If I do, the illusion will end, and he could wake up to discover my lie.
Her eyes widen, and she starts counting in her head.
How long have you been without sleep!? She demands, angry now at herself for not realizing the problem either.
Not since the day Gaara returned to Konoha. He hasn’t slept in my tent during the trip… but I am too afraid that someone else will come in to check on me and will see. I can’t risk it.
Well… she mulls over the problem for a long time. I don’t see how this is going to get resolved by returning to Suna. Even when he goes to his tower to work… you could still be interrupted.
I know, I concede with defeat in my tone. I just need time to figure it out. I will think of something… when I can think straight…
For now, I can arrange that. Her tone is full of authority. DON’T put up you illusion again unless it’s an emergency. Get some sleep.
She gets up and walks out of the tent, and I can see through her mind’s eye that the entire camp is watching her and awaiting an update on my condition.
“It looks like a mild case of heat exhaustion,” she declares to the small crowd. “It’s not serious, but we should rest here and wait to enter the city until tomorrow. Before then, Kazekage, I would advise that she is not disturbed. She needs rest, and any intrusion will disturb her.”
He is aggravated by her declaration, and subtle challenge to his authority, but he nods to her in approval.
Are you truly alright? he whispers mentally to me.
Yes, I respond to him making my thoughts a gentle caress against his mind. But she is right… and so were you. I am too tired. I need to sleep, and know that I am safe. If you or anyone else comes in… it will be frightening. I’m not sure I’d be able to get back to sleep. Too many years on the run I guess…
Then no one will disturb you, his tone is as firm as iron.
“My bride is not to be disturbed until after sunrise tomorrow,” he declares in a low firm tone to everyone in the camp, “and then, only after Tsunade has evaluated her condition again. I will not risk delaying the conclusion of our agreement.”
I am trying to relax when Tsunade’s mind speaks out to me briefly. Kakashi and I will take shifts watching the door.
With that, I truly allow myself to relax for the first time in more than 3 days. I feel the fatigue wash over me again, and this time, allow myself to drift fully and completely to sleep.
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Love Me When I'm Gone

44. Home to Suna