Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Reacquainted With Your Body	By : JigokuDayu Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 5848 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the Naruto characters. I'm not making any money off this.

Chapter List
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"Here, let's lie down again" He set us both on our sides, facing each other. “I want to go with you when you return to the village. Stay here a few days first, though. We should have time to ourselves, to get reacquainted.”
Our bodies were very close together, though we weren’t touching. We simply had our eyes fixed on one another’s. “Of course. You want to visit Mitsuki. I’m sure he misses you,” I said.
He poked the fleshy underhang of my chin with one finger, forcing my head back somewhat. “Yes, but also to make sure you come back. You might change your mind. Or someone might persuade you to change it.”
“You’re admitting that you’re worried you’ll lose me. That’s another first. But I don’t want to go without you, either.” I put my arm around him to stroke his back. "I'll have to convince the Hokage to let me retire and leave the village. And it’d be best if you spoke to him, also. He’ll probably object at first, though I think I can win his sympathy."
His hand moved up to pet my cheek. "If I can tolerate my child being in Konoha, then it's only fair that I should get to keep you here." Orochimaru’s eyelids twitched ever so slightly and the reflection of the candlelight in his irises grew.
Seeing him that way and imagining what it must be like to seldom be with one of his children ate at me. It made me feel like scum to think that I had an ulterior motive for being in Orochimaru’s living quarters, even if I’d largely forgotten that motive up until then. "I know I shouldn’t say this, but it’s not like I haven’t already compromised myself by sleeping with you. Anyway, it just seems wrong to keep hiding it. The fact is, the Hokage wanted me to check up on you, to see if you were up to something. I didn’t want to do it, but I had to see you again. I’d been a wreck since that day you walked by me. I would’ve cracked if you hadn’t sent for me."
Orochimaru laughed. "You really haven't figured that out yet? I told him to concoct some nonsense about spying on me if you were hesitant to go. He's already seen inside my laboratory."
"That little sneak! And you..." I gritted my teeth, then shrugged it off. "Eh, why should I be surprised by anything you do? I just didn't think he'd conspire with you to help you get your hooks back into me. Hokage or not, I should slap him the next time I see him."
"I didn't go into that much detail; though I'm sure he figured it out. He is a married man. Even he can't be so foolish as to think this wouldn't end with you succumbing to my amorous advances." Orochimaru was still laughing a bit under his breath.
"What exactly did you say to him?” I asked, peering through narrowed eyes.
"That I wished to make up for things that happened between us, and for lost time. Nothing about any love affairs."
To think he had been longing for me made me feel warm inside. "So that's what this meeting was really about all along, rekindling our affair?"
"I would prefer not to say. There are some things I'd rather keep to myself. Indulge me in wanting a little mystery between us." His fingertips were gliding up and down my sternum. "After all, it makes it more interesting."
"There are things I have to know." I pushed myself up into a seated position and looked down at him. "If you have secrets regarding me, I think I deserve your honesty. Lovers should be able to share everything."
As if he were imitating me, Orochimaru sat up, too. "Curiosity is the greatest asset, but there’s something to be said for a sense of the unknown in a romance.” He smirked, then went about pecking my shoulder. “It's much more thrilling if I can keep you guessing. I told you I love you. Decide for yourself the precise nature of my feelings. Interpret my affections for you."
"Why does everything have to be a game with you? Instead of telling me the truth, you have to toy with me!” I snapped, recoiling from him. Just when I thought we had made such progress, he had to pull this quibbling routine. It was so damn frustrating. “You’ve got to trust me, too. It can't just be all on me. If you love me, tell me what's going on inside you, Orochimaru-sama. I need to know." Knots were forming in my stomach.
“Testy, aren’t we?” He looked away for a moment and sighed. When he continued, his voice had diminished, as if his strength were fading away. "Perhaps when I saw you, I wanted to have you again. Perhaps I couldn't figure out why you didn't give me a second glance, but kept on walking."
“So you turned to look back at me?" I could feel my brows sinking low on my forehead as I asked that. Why didn’t that occur to me in the first place?
His gaze travelled back to meet mine. "Maybe I did. Or maybe I'm trying to get you to admit that you didn't." Orochimaru’s tone had regained its standard slyness.
My face started to burn. "I was frightened," I whimpered.
"Too bad you didn't confront me. I like frightening you." He grinned, creeping up closer to me.
I rolled my eyes and snickered, realising I should have seen that response coming a mile away. "You haven't lost that flair for sadism."
In an instant, he pulled me back down, into his embrace. "That is true. It's what turns you on the most, isn't it?" Orochimaru bit me on the collar bone, then kissed me for a long time. He moaned into my mouth, causing a tickling sensation in my lips. All of a sudden, he stopped and asked, "You truly believe that I love you?"
I bolted up in a panic, wriggling out of his grip. "What?! Was this all some trick?" The intermittent rage inside of me had bubbled back up to the surface. My hands balled into fists, ready to attack. Though I knew I didn’t stand a chance against him, I was prepared to put up a fight.
"Anko-chan, calm down. I wasn't lying." He grabbed my forearms to restrain me, using only minimal force. His voice softened. "I was wondering if you doubted me at all. You have every reason to."
"Maybe I do. Or maybe I'm overly desperate to believe you love me when I shouldn’t," I groaned. The fight-or-flight response waned somewhat, giving way to trembling. “You make it difficult to think straight. Things made more sense when I was younger and I could simply rely on you to take charge." Tears were building up in my eyes up once more. "I don’t want to be weak, I swear! I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Are you about to cry again? It's fine, my dear. Cry all you need to." Orochimaru’s grip slackened. He held me to him gently then, permitting me to weep on his chest. I could feel his heart thudding beneath me. "You've had to be strong on your own for a long time. Why not let me have control again? I'm giving you permission to be vulnerable. I have strength enough for both of us and I want to take care of you."
Despite how inviting his arms and chest were, and how much I missed that reassuring embrace from my youth, something terrified me. I struggled out of his grasp yet again. “How can you ask that of me? It would be wrong to give you control. I’ve been weak because of you. You’d make me weaker still.” I tried to blink the tears out of my eyes, but they kept coming, followed by sobs. “Why do you do this to me? Why do I have to feel this way about you?”
“My apologies. I let myself get distracted by my own desires and mistakenly believed you would heal easier than this.” Orochimaru stared down at his hands as if they were soiled. He soon dropped them and looked to me once more. “I want to be with you. I need you. Yet if you want to hurt me, go ahead. I won’t stop you. Strike me, walk away from me, whatever you wish. It’s your prerogative to do so.” A calm, expectant countenance washed over him as he fell supine on the mattress. His arms were outstretched on either side of him, as if he were being pinned down.
I looked at Orochimaru, readying a fist to punch him, yet I lowered it and sighed instead. “I can’t. I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to atone by caring for me. You owe me that.”
“The thing I want to do and have been repeatedly offering? I think you must be confused, Anko-chan. Caring for someone and taking care of them are not mutually exclusive. I want to take care of you because you bring out these longings in me. You make me feel this way about you,” Orochimaru said.
His smile was faint as he stared up at me. “There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself to another if you wish it. You think that makes you weak, but in fact, it gives you power. You are giving me something I need, something that makes me feel needed, in turn. And you can stop me and take it back whenever you wish. That fills me with apprehension, yet I still want this. Isn’t that what love is?”
He sat up again and proceeded to comb his fingers through my bangs. “We both want this. We both love each other. Love will outweigh fear when you accept it. That’s why it’s so powerful. Don’t go six decades trying to figure that out, the way I did. That’s not what I want for you. You deserve better than that.”
Heavy tears kept rolling down my face, making my lashes tacky. I wiped my eyes on my hands to clear them. “People will think there’s something wrong with me. They’ll say I should hate you for all the things you’ve done to me. That I’m crazy to be in love with you.”
“Why should the opinions of others dictate your emotions?” he asked. “People expect me to be cold and heartless, but I have feelings. The truth is I’m human, like anyone else. I’m capable of love, just like I’m capable of getting hurt. Whether or not anyone else believes it, I love you. You can decide you shouldn’t love me and walk away forever, or you can decide the love we share is worth the effort it will require on both our parts. Are we worth saving? Will you let me spend whatever time I have making up for the ways I hurt you? Will you help to keep me from getting lost again? Can we heal each other? It’s up to you, Anko-chan.”
”How is it possible that you’ve changed that much, all for the better?” I asked, squinting at him.
“I’m not a completely different person. I remain selfish and stubborn. And I’m just as apt to nudge others towards my way of thinking.” There was a brief glint of smug satisfaction in his eyes. It quickly melted to something more compassionate; the warm smile of a parent. “I would not have been able to tell you my feelings if not for my children. They reminded me of something I’d forgotten long ago, my original motivation.”
Orochimaru looked towards the bedroom door as he went on. “They were intended to be future vessels, nothing more. When I first awakened Log, this was before he was called that, I set out to test his strength. He defied me, calling me out for my cruelty and arrogance. Then he attempted to flee. The natural course of action was to eliminate him without prejudice. I injured him, but I couldn’t go through with the killing.” There was an audible tightness in his throat.
“All these memories flashed before my eyes. My parents’ warmth, Sarutobi’s voice, Jiraiya’s laughter, Tsunade’s tears, your smile, the change in Sasuke’s eyes; things that both moved me and tore at me. It was a brutal shock to my system. And I saw all the pain I had experienced in life there, reflected in Log’s face. That was when I realised he was not a specimen that had disappointed me. He was my child whom I had betrayed. From that day forward, I resolved to protect him from that pain and give him a better life. I can no longer allow those I care for to become lost in the darkness as I once was.” His gaze drifted up, glimmering in the dim light.
“When I was young, love meant sorrow. Later, I was taught that it was weakness. I would only allow myself to love when it was unspoken and completely under my control. So I loved, but I couldn’t admit to it. In one way or another, everyone left me. Some died, others turned from me. Even you slipped from my grasp. All my good intentions fell by the wayside. Without love, none of it mattered.” He closed his eyes for a brief moment. “Certain things happened during the last war to change me a great deal, but not enough. That day, when I embraced my child for the first time and he granted me forgiveness, that was when I was finally free of the darkness. I learned how to love again.”
Orochimaru took in a steady breath through his nose and released it gradually. “The great villages were made to be war machines and those pulling the strings have long wished to keep it that way. It’s in their best interests to do so. I wanted to change it, but even I lost sight of that goal. I lost my way. I was blinded by hatred and vengeance, to the point I had no grip on reality. I became exactly what I had once loathed. That won’t happen ever again. What I lacked then is in my life now. I will hold onto it.” He took my hand in his. “I want my children to think for themselves and I want my village to be different in that way, as well. People must learn to be individuals, not cogs in a machine.”
I remembered losing everything and what I tried to do that time in the Forest of Death. I had wanted to kill Orochimaru, and die there with him. There was hurt, anger, loneliness, but still love. I couldn’t live in a world without him. As much as it felt good to be with him now and accept the love he claimed to feel for me, something was holding me back. “There are so many things on my mind, answers I need from you,” I said. Perhaps this wasn’t the best time to be asking serious questions, but I could feel them rattling around in my brain, unwilling to let me have any peace until they were put to rest.
“Such as?”
My heart was in my throat as I proceeded to interrogate him. "Why did you leave me in that cave?"
His grip tightened. "For your own safety. What happened after that would've been too dangerous for you."
"Safety? I could've died in there!" I pulled my hand away from his grasp.
"You survived getting the curse mark. I trusted in your ability to survive losing it.” Orochimaru then moved his face very close to mine, stopping short of touching me. “Large-scale warfare is a different matter. More than the risk of you dying, I wanted to spare you seeing that amount of bloodshed. That was the same reason I stayed in Konoha with you during the Third War. I didn’t want you to experience the horrors I saw and took part in during the Second. You don’t need further trauma scarring you. You’ve been through enough."
That was a fair answer; however, it was one of the least of his crimes. “Why did you try to destroy the village? What if I had been killed during that?” Remembering that day caused a crushing ache in my chest. Indirectly or not, I bore some responsibility. The guilt would not cease to weigh on my conscience. Not only that, it was also heartbreaking to think I was merely another face in the crowd that he had intended to annihilate.
“It wasn’t the people of Konoha I wanted to obliterate. It was the institution and what it stood for. When I was suffering as a child, they told me to harden my heart. When I swore off compassion, they called me evil. For them, it was all about playing at nobility while maintaining the corrupt system.” His nose wrinkled as he spoke.
“Even worse than that was seeing those I cared about suffer for the sake of the village. I had wished to be rid of someone, but when they were killed, I couldn’t get past the pain it caused one still dear to me.” Orochimaru hung his head down. “So many died for nothing. I lost my senses.” He placed his palm on my thigh and looked at me. “But I had special plans for you. You were on the list of those to be taken alive. You were useful to me, and you had garnered my interest again.”
In a weird way, it was nice to hear that. Of course, it didn’t make any of it all right. I wasn’t about to let him off the hook so easily. “Why did the Third Hokage have to die? It wasn’t just because he didn’t name you as his successor. There had to have been more to it than that.”
“I saw Sarutobi as the one most responsible for the ills of Konoha. He let things happen. When I needed him, he pushed me away. He pushed others away as well, while some he let go, not bothering to reach out to them. The ones he should have disposed of, he kept close. He spoke of protecting his people as a whole, but the individuals didn’t matter to him. There was as much blood on his hands as there is on mine, but no one talks about that. I saw that everything and everyone I lost could be traced back to him, his lies, and his double standards. I hated him for it. So I wanted him to suffer the way I did.” Orochimaru’s eyelids descended till only slivers of iris remained visible.
My hands were clenched and shaking. “But you made everyone else suffer! How do you think I felt? I was helpless to stop your carnage. I blamed myself for what you did. And the worst part of it was that I still cared so much for you! I couldn’t turn to anyone after that. I was too afraid to even tell Jiraiya-sama on the rare occasions he was in Konoha.”
The muscles in his jaw visibly contracted. His reply was very faint. “You’re hurting me, Anko-chan. Don’t rip open that wound.”
“Maybe you should hurt! You did all that for your stupid revenge, and you didn’t even succeed at it. You pushed me away. You pushed Jiraiya away, and god knows how many others who only ever cared about you! What did we do to deserve your betrayal? Maybe the Third Hokage screwed things up, but I’m positive he cared about you, too.” I clutched fiercely at the blanket, my knuckles going white from the force. “How could you make me suffer for all those years? How could you be so cruel? Now you’ve manipulated me into letting it slide like it was nothing!”
He was reaching to touch my face. “Anko-chan, I”-
I slapped his hand away. “Don’t touch me! I shouldn't have let you touch me to begin with! I hate you!”
His expression went blank. “Luckily, I don’t believe that in the slightest. You’re just angry.”
“No, I hate you!” I screeched. In my mind’s eye, I could see looks of disappointment from my comrades, both living and dead. What shame I had brought upon my parents! Could I even go back home after letting Orochimaru seduce me? Not only had I given in to him, I had enjoyed it. And despite my protestations, I longed for him even then. An invisible chain linked me to him. One end was somewhere in my chest, tangled with my veins. As much as I wanted the other end to be connected to his heart, my head told me Orochimaru was merely holding it in his hand, leading me around by it. “You make me sick! I’m disgusted with myself for fucking you! I never want to see you again!”
Orochimaru’s respirations grew tense. “You wouldn’t grieve me that way. You couldn’t. I refuse to believe it.”
“Maybe you’ll believe it when you watch me walk out that door!” After ripping off the blanket, I got to my feet and went to gather my clothes. As I picked up my dress, everything became blurry and my body faltered. My first thought was that he had employed a genjutsu, but it was soon clear that wasn’t the case. No, it was me. I was crumpling over onto the floor, hugging my knees to my chest, and weeping yet again. The fight in me was gone. All I had left was my wish to disappear from the mess I was in.
The mattress creaked and it registered in my brain that he had gotten up. Yet he didn’t come over to me. There was the sound of a door opening and water running. A short time later, he approached and kneeled beside me. Orochimaru began washing my face with a damp hand towel, then dabbing up the moisture with a dry one. When he was done, he picked me up and brought me back to the bed. He put the wet towel away and left the dry one on the nightstand. Then he returned to recline against the headboard. “Come sit on my lap,” he said, holding his hands out towards me.
By then, my crying had lessened, though I still felt listless. It was as if my body had gone numb. “Aren’t I too heavy?” I grumbled, unable to think of a better argument.
“Have you forgotten who you’re talking to? I carried you over here with little effort. I think I can handle you sitting on top of me.” He scooped me up in his arms. “See, you’re not too heavy for me, my dear.” I just stayed there, motionless on his lap while he held me fast. “I know I failed Jiraiya. I don’t want to fail you, too. You gave up on love because of me. You won’t allow anyone else in. Consequently, I’m the only one with any hope of mending your heart. It’s my responsibility to you. Let me try, Anko-chan.” Orochimaru kissed my forehead, then my mouth. “I want to try.”
Next, he lifted my hand to his lips to kiss it and my wrist. “If you continue to hold onto your anger and reject love, you will become what I was. I can’t allow that to happen. I have to protect you from that. I must save you. And I need you to keep me from falling back into that trap, myself. Let me earn your forgiveness this way.”
What he was saying was starting to get to me. Perhaps he didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, yet I was leaning towards giving him another chance, for the sake of this intimacy we were sharing. Crying on the floor was pretty much rock bottom, not something I wanted to repeat ever again. This, on the other hand, felt right; like I belonged. “You swear you’ve reformed?” I asked. My voice cracked on each alternate word.
“Yes, Anko-chan. I still can’t accept the past, but I’m tired of fighting. I want stillness. What has already happened cannot be changed, yet focusing too much on the future is equally destructive. You forget to live. You get swallowed up by negativity. Existence is a game. Just enjoy playing it. Find pleasure in it. Appreciate it for its beauty. It’s a waste, otherwise. And don’t treat love as your enemy. Don’t be afraid of it.” He pressed me closer to his chest. “My little girl, I love you.”
I didn’t want to yell or cry anymore. All I wanted was the comfort I was experiencing in his embrace. Regardless of my outburst, I craved his affection. It made me feel whole. “I’m tired of fighting, too. I do love you. And I want to be happy again. I’ve only been happy when I’ve been with you.”
He kissed the top of my head. “I only wanted to protect you, but I’ve hurt you most of all. Please accept my apologies. I regret my past. Forgive me for the horrible things I've done.”
Though my tears had run dry, errant sobs persisted in my throat. “I forgive you.” I looked up at him. “Aren't you mad at me for the awful stuff I said?”
Orochimaru shook his head. “No, I’m not mad, my dear. I understand why you said that. You didn’t mean it. Anger must be purged if love is to flow freely back into the heart.” When I gave him an incredulous stare, he added, “What, you think I haven’t been through a similar emotional process?”
“Did you become a Buddhist or something? That’s what you sound like.”
He gave a subtle laugh. “Not quite. I have been studying certain spiritual philosophies and esoteric traditions. It has helped me to understand the world more clearly. Perhaps I’ll teach them to you sometime.”
As he cuddled me on his lap, I timidly caressed his jugular notch and clavicles. Looking down, I sighed loudly.
"If something is bothering you, tell me. Don't hold back, my dear. Say whatever is on you mind," he said, breathing against my temple.
After a sombre exhalation, I began to tell him. "There's more I have to know the truth about. Why did you put the curse mark on me? Why did you have to hurt me like that?"
"I thought you had forgiven me for what I did."
I buried the upper portion of my face in his throat. "I have forgiven you, but I still need to know why you did it. I just don't understand how you could put me through all those things and risk my life. If you actually loved me all this time, why did you betray me?"
Orochimaru pushed my head back and gave me a fixed stare. "Because I'm not like you, Anko-chan. When love consumes you, you relish it. You find it exhilarating, like the hopeless romantic you are. Love was something I feared losing control of. You drove me to distraction and made me question my ideals. I felt powerless and that disturbed me. Weakness would have interfered with the dream we shared then. I wasn't ready to let go of that, so I hurt you before you had a chance to hurt me. I did it to reclaim my control over you."
"I wouldn't have hurt you, not willingly."
"And if you had hurt me unwillingly? I didn't want to take that risk. Yet that's exactly what happened. You did hurt me." He brushed the hair out of his face and tucked it behind his ear. "But that was thirty years ago. I see things differently now. I still despise losing control, but I know that love isn’t the problem. It was my ego that needed to be overcome. It ruled me when my reason should have ruled it. I was trapped by the delusion that I could control nature, when nature is constantly changing."
My insides froze at that. “I hurt you?”
“More than I care to admit. Though I suspect you’ll press me to go into vivid detail,” he groaned.
"Do you regret it?"
"No, I don't regret giving you the curse mark. Not any longer." His words grew very quiet. "You were better off back in Konoha. You didn't need to be around me then. I would've corrupted you. I would've destroyed the innocence that makes you so special to me."
Hunching my shoulders, I pouted. "I don't need you to decide what's right or what's wrong for me. I can think for myself!"
He raised an eyebrow at me. "Can you? When have you ever made a wise decision without my prodding? You always rush into things, eager to play the martyr. It's something you have in common with that current Hokage of yours. You're both impatient fools. Yet unlike him, you don't have a knack for being rescued by good fortune."
As true as it might have been, it didn’t please me to hear it. Nor did it make that memory any less painful. "But I still wanted to be with you. It hurt me so much to lose you!” The awful ache in my chest was returning. “I've been so empty! Have you ever understood how much I love you?”
“I believe I understand your feelings quite well.” He tilted his head away, averting his gaze. “It was my own feelings that confused me.”
“I know you've been hurting all your life. I wanted to give you the love you needed, but you wouldn't let me. We could've been stronger together, but you left me to suffer!" Now I was the one veering his neck to make him look me in the eye. "It hurt me so much, not just physically. It broke my heart that you did it. But as bizarre as it sounds, I’ve actually missed it. The curse mark was all I had of you."
Orochimaru placed his palms on either side of my face. "Forget the past. Be with me now. The person I've become doesn't resent loving you."
"You resented being in love with me then?" My eyes were welling up again and my chin quivered.
He let out a frustrated sigh. "Anko-chan, listen to me. You started to take precedence over my ambitions. I found it threatening. I despised needing you. That's why I gave you the mark. You were the one person who frightened me."
My jaw dropped. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. How did I manage to frighten someone like him? And how did I not see it at the time?
"And now I know why the seal didn't activate properly. What I told you then about lacking hatred, it applied to me as well. When I put the mark on you, my heart wasn't in it. If I didn't love you, it would have worked." He was brushing my hair away from my forehead with his fingers. "You have no idea how much you wounded me when your eyes darted away. I wanted you to love me no matter what horrible things I did, what vile depths I sank to. Yet I was too selfish to give you the same love. You deserve better than that. It's taken longer than it should have, but at last, I can love you the way you deserve."
"I thought you hated me for not being strong enough." My voice trembled.
"At that moment, I did hate you. But not for that reason. I hated you for the power you held over me. For reminding me I still had a heart to be broken. And I wanted you to hate me. If you could have hated me, the seal would've activated and I would have had power over you again. Yet it only tinged your love with anger and fear. In the end, I altered your memory so you might need me and come back. An unfortunate miscalculation on my part. It took thirty years and what amounted to an engraved invitation to get you to return." He nuzzled my ear and whispered, "I missed my little girl all this time."
The confirmation that I broke Orochimaru’s heart left me bewildered. To my knowledge, there was only one other person in the world who could claim that feat. "You really have loved me all along, yet I kept on doubting you." The crying began anew. "I'm sorry for everything. Most of all for hurting you."
"I told you, forget what happened then. It's over. Live for this moment, for us. Things turned out a certain way and we survived. You cling to your pain because it’s all you’ve had for such a long time. As long as you’re attached to it, you will continue to suffer from it. You don’t need it anymore. I’m with you again. You've forgiven me and I've forgiven you.” His hands moved up and down, caressing my back. “Learn to let go. It's a freeing experience."
Drying my eyes on my palms, I smiled a bit. "Sometimes, I get tired of you knowing better than me."
Orochimaru laughed a little. "You've always been trying to prove how mature you are, when underneath you remain girlish and innocent. I find that exceedingly charming." He stroked my chin.
I rolled my eyes and chortled at that. "You would!"
He laughed more. A moment later, he took hold of my shoulders. "My sweet Anko-chan," Orochimaru said. “I want to be strong for you, so you don’t have to rely on yourself alone.”
“I need that. I really do.” My eyes fell shut and I waited for him to kiss me.
Though he did kiss me, it didn’t last as long as I would have preferred. Instead, he resumed gently touching my face. "I've crossed many lines in my life. And I've been cruellest to you. It would've been more merciful if I had just killed you instead of leaving you to suffer that way, but I'm a selfish person. I wouldn't let go. I wanted you to seek me out and I was willing to wait as long as it took."
Nudging me to lay my head back down on him, he continued. "At first, it was easy to wait. The curse mark linked you to me, so we weren't completely apart. After the war, I thought maybe you'd forgive me and accept that I'd changed once you had enough time to heal. I kept waiting and found comfort in my children." His tone became breathier. "I didn't think I'd get attached to them, but having a family transforms who you are. It was no longer about me against the world. I had new people who needed me and it helped me to grow as a person. Being a parent is like having my own parents back, because now I know how they felt about me. At the same time, it brought back memories of you. They reminded me of how I'd missed you, of what you meant to me."
Orochimaru rubbed my cheek. "My little one has the same smile as you. I wanted to do right by him and I knew eventually you would meet him. I thought perhaps he would be special to you, as well, and remind you of me. Then I saw you and it dawned on me that I had to win you back personally. You were too damaged by what I did to return to me on your own. You needed to know that I wanted you before you would allow yourself to be close to me again. I was too proud and obstinate to realise it sooner."
He cleared his throat. “There was another reason I gave you the mark. I never intended immortality for myself alone. I wanted you to have it as well. To achieve it, you had to die to your old self and be reborn as part of me. Only things didn’t work out quite as I had planned.”
“Are you still trying to become immortal?” I asked point blank as I put my ear over his heart and listened.
“Is my heartbeat comforting to you or are you trying to confirm I have one?” Rather than wait for me to respond, he went back to my question. “For now, I cannot die. If that is to be permanent is not of grave importance to me at the current time. There are more pressing matters.”
“Like what?”
“Mostly my children and my village. As well as this naked woman who happens to be in my bed. She has me rather preoccupied. I would like to keep her with me indefinitely.” Bowing his head to brush his lips on my throat, he whispered, “You’re so beautiful.”
That gave me a delightful chill. Even so, I suspected he was merely saying that to flatter me. “You sure are laying it on thick,” I muttered.
He forced me to look at him. "Why is it so difficult to accept that I find you attractive? From the first time I saw you when you were a small child; I knew you would become a beautiful woman. You were like a precious ichimatsu doll, fragile and lovely. I wanted to protect you and keep you all to myself. You were my secret treasure and no one was going to take you away from me."
I narrowed my eyes at Orochimaru. “Dolls don’t have feelings.”
“That’s not true. My little Anko-chan was lonely and sad. She needed me to take care of her.” His fingers kept petting my cheek, while his palm periodically cupped it. "And I waited for you to grow into a young woman so I could make you my consort. I could've touched you sooner than I did, but I wanted you to be ready."
"You considered trying something when I was really young?" I gulped, feeling extremely awkward about the thought cropping up in my head.
"Don't be so filthy-minded, Anko-chan!" Orochimaru flinched. “I would never have touched you before your hair developed and your menses began. I meant when you reached puberty. When you started looking at me with desire in your eyes. It was difficult for me to keep resisting you. Your body was filling out and I could smell you dripping wet all the time."
"You knew about that?!" I was abashed. For what seemed like the whole year I was thirteen, if not longer, I had to towel off and change my knickers multiple times a day. It was my terribly embarrassing secret, but I thought I had hidden it from him. "Do you have any idea how humiliating that was? I thought there was something wrong with me."
"Your body was learning to be excited... Excited simply by my presence. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Males go through a similar thing. Tasting your scent on the air was like going through it all over again for me.” He licked his lips. “Perhaps worse, as often as I had to have one off the wrist to calm myself. But I waited till I was convinced the time was right, when you were more certain of yourself. Ironically, once we started making love, I found you even more distracting. And it wasn't just sex."
Though I tried to look in his eyes, my gaze wandered to his mouth, till I could barely keep my lids from falling shut. "What was it, Orochimaru-sama?"
"What earlier tonight you doubted I felt." He moved in and kissed me.
After breaking the kiss, I groaned, frowning at him. "Then why couldn't you say it? Our lives would've been so much better if you would have just told me how you really felt."
His grip on me loosened slightly and he gave a heavy sigh. “Oh, I see. You haven’t really forgiven me after all.”
“Yes, I have!” It was true. I had forgiven him. Only there was this bitterness remaining inside me. It was refusing to go away.
“How can you say you forgive me if you haven’t let go?” He started brushing my chin with his knuckles. “What do I have to do for you to let go of the pain you’re holding onto? Tell me what to do, Anko-chan.”
“Answer me truthfully. I want to know the real reason you’ve been afraid of admitting your love for me till now.” I clenched my teeth to prevent them from clattering. It wasn’t because his touch bothered me, far from it. It was from the pain gnawing at me and making me dread an answer I might not like, no matter how much I needed to hear it.
Orochimaru closed his eyes for a second and groaned. "The only ones I ever said it to were my parents, just before they were killed. The first time I tried to tell someone else, it was too late to keep that person from leaving. It became my curse. I didn't want to lose you, but I lost you all the same. Only through becoming a parent have I found the courage to risk being honest with my feelings. Believe me when I say I love you, because I do not use those words lightly." That deadly serious look had returned to his face.
Hearing that stung me to the core. How did I not piece that together on my own? I felt like a complete idiot. At the same time, I needed to hear it from Orochimaru's own mouth. I would have doubted it, otherwise. I had to be certain. "I always truly loved you and I wanted you to take me back. I only hated myself for driving you away," I said, trying my best not to cry again.
"I've taken you back. That's why you're here. Making up for lost time is far more productive than clinging to regrets. And it's far more pleasurable, too. So now that you've elicited all my secrets, I'd prefer you stop prying. Why don't you open up for me, instead?" His right hand eased down along my side, to my thigh, fondling me.
"What is it you want me to tell you about?" I asked.
He shook his head. "I didn't mean your mouth." Orochimaru went about kissing the side of my neck with soft, unhurried movements of his mouth and tongue.
A pleasant shudder raced through me. "Oh, Sensei," I gasped, draping my arms around his neck. “I want that. Please make love to me again, Sensei!” I melted in his embrace. The anguish of the past ceased to fester inside my brain. Being in my lover’s arms was the only thing that mattered now.
"When you call me that... What it does to me..." Orochimaru arched out and hissed. I could feel his cock twitch against me. He scooted forward a little and situated my legs so they were wrapped around him. I was still in his lap, only now we were face to face. Before going any further, he gave me a long, slow kiss. "I love you, my little girl," he whispered against my lips once he had finally entered me.
“I love you, my sensei,” I whispered back. Our foreheads were touching and our sights were locked on one another. However, we weren’t moving yet. We were merely holding each other. There was a second drawn-out kiss, during which he was quite restrained in the use of his tongue. As I was letting him dictate the pace, I also held back. Slowly, our tongues grew more involved, and in time, they took over for our lips almost entirely.
Orochimaru proceeded to guide my hips in a rocking motion with his hands. His head went a fraction of an inch to the side and his breath glanced off my cheek. “My little girl needs me, doesn’t she? She needs my love for her.” His words took shape as moaning. I barely had a chance to nod my assent when his lips recaptured mine. This time, it was a much shorter kiss. “You’re beautiful. Tell me you believe that,” he said, having released my mouth.
Those slit pupils and yellow irises were all I could see. They didn’t frighten me. On the contrary, they conveyed such tenderness and adoration. His passion for me was there, in his eyes. It flowed into me. “I do. I believe it because you’ve made me feel it,” I said, running my hands all over his shoulders. I felt so incredibly close to him, closer than I’d ever felt. Our hearts were linked. There was no more doubt in my mind. This was genuine; he loved me. I felt all the more beautiful because of it.
“That’s my good girl. I think you can do the work now. That way I can touch you more.” While I undertook the active role in our lovemaking, his hands migrated from my pelvis, to where my legs held him. Orochimaru was rubbing the delicate flesh of my inner thighs wherever it was unobstructed by our union. “My sweet, little girl,” he said. “Do you like this, hmm? Do I make you feel good?” His voice was very soft as he went about kissing and licking my ear.
My hips undulated on his lap. I was whimpering, “Yes, Sensei. I love your body against mine. I love feeling you inside of me.” My skin was ablaze. I can’t imagine how red my face had gotten. “It’s so good… I want to make feel you good, too, Sensei.” In addition to caressing the upper part of his chest, I lowered my head to kiss him there. My tongue savoured his breastbone.
“Mmm, you do.” His hands were vigorously stroking my back, moving me on him all the more. “Like your body was made for my pleasure. It's so hot and wet.” Orochimaru touched his tongue to mine once more. “This is fast becoming my favourite position. I can touch you everywhere. And more than that, our bodies are connected on each plane of existence, not simply the physical realm. Do you feel it, too?”
“Yes, I feel something mystical and overpowering between us.” With that, I pressed my tongue to his.
“This is a special gift from your sensei. It’s only for my little girl.” Orochimaru moved on to lightly kissing and licking my neck, pausing here and there to kiss my mouth. “I love holding my little girl in my lap like this.”
Those words sent exquisite tremors rampaging throughout my body. “I love you having me in your lap, Sensei. I could stay this close to you forever,” I said as I slid my fingers through his hair. It occured to me that I might’ve been mistaken when I first felt it earlier in the night. His hair was possibly silkier now than it had been when I was young. It enchanted me. I rubbed my lips on it.
He grabbed my chin to resume eye contact. His mouth was almost touching mine, but he did not permit me an actual kiss. It was at that moment that the throes of passion overcame me. Orochimaru seized me by the flanks to support me while I writhed and trembled. He was panting as he spoke. ”Ooh, I can feel the muscles of your cunt contracting and dilating around my cock. It’s trying to milk out my come. You want my come, too?”
I was wailing as I clasped his shoulders. “Yes... yes... yes! Please, Sensei, please come inside me! Please, please! Ah, Sensei!” I threw myself into it, riding him with wild abandon. It felt sublime.
Squeezing his eyes shut and splaying his fingers on my waist, he came inside me. “Ay, yes, take it! Take it all! Oh yes!” Orochimaru was hissing and snarling. His spine buckled, forcing his chest to jut out against mine.
Coming down from his ecstasy, he caressed my jaw. "I love you, my little Anko-chan," Orochimaru said, catching his breath. "I don't care how old you are or what you look like. You're still my little girl." He paused to kiss me. “Though I do find you exceedingly beautiful this way. You’re a beautiful woman, Anko-chan. If anyone says otherwise, I’ll have to hurt them.”
“You’re so good to me.” I slumped against him. “I need this. I need to be here with you. I need to love you.”
“I need that, too.” He rolled us both into a recumbent position on the mattress with me beneath him. “Ah, my little girl, you’re all mine. You won’t leave me. You wouldn’t hurt me like that again, would you?” he asked, kissing my neck and ear.
As I relaxed, I kept sighing blissfully. “No, never again. Underneath, I’ve always been your little girl. I’m lost without you.” We kissed and I started petting his hair.
Supporting his chin on his hand, Orochimaru gazed down at me. “I know. You’re with your sensei again. There’s nothing to hurt you any longer. You're completely safe. I’ll protect you.” He stroked my temple. “Now I want you to tell me some of your secrets, even ones I already know. Simply because I wish to hear them from your lips. To begin with, how long have you loved me?”
“Always,” I said, getting misty-eyed.
“Even throughout all the despicable things I’ve done?”
“Please don’t say that.” I was trying to hold in my sobs. A few stray tears fell from my eyes. “I don’t want to think about that any longer.”
There was something quite tranquil in his expression. “But I must. It’s true. We have to talk about these things till I’m sure you’ve let go. And I need to know it for my own healing process. So have you loved me throughout my horrible sins?”
“It never changed how I feel about you.” Somehow, there was still enough moisture in my eyes for the tears to keep falling. “I’ve been angry and hurt, but I couldn’t stop loving you.”
“Thank you, my dear.” Orochimaru grabbed the dry towel from the nightstand and patted my cheeks with it. “Do you think I took advantage of you sexually? Then or now?”
I shook my head as he dried my tears. “No, I wanted to be with you. Do you think you took advantage of me?”
“Perhaps I went too far then. My primary concern was that each time could have been our last chance. That I might lose you the next day.” He put the towel aside. “Though I hadn’t considered you’d leave me for thirty years and our only encounter in between would involve your mad attempt at a lovers’ suicide.”
“About that- I’m very sorry.”
“You needn't apologise. It was my fault. I taught you that jutsu. I hurt you terribly. It was to be expected.” A half-smile crept onto his face. “But in some way, it was nice to know you still cared.”
I snorted at that. “You get sentimental about the strangest things.”
Following a vague hint of laughter, the corners of his mouth sunk, and his gaze flickered off to the side. “I have to tell you something. When you were unconscious after I put the curse mark on you, I made love to you.”
“I thought that was a dream. You made love to me, then you were crying. I wanted so badly comfort you, but I couldn’t move. I wanted to tell you I still loved you and beg you not to let me go.” I grazed his cheek with my fingers, as if he was weeping then and I was brushing the tears away.
”Surprised to learn I’m capable of crying?” When I shook my head, Orochimaru laughed half-heartedly. “I was.” His shoulders twitched, as if he were trying to shrug, yet lacked the physical energy.
He laid his head down on my breast. “You’re not going to leave. You’re going to stay here, because you need me. And because you know how much I need you, too. I’m seventy years old now, and I can tell you that you’re the love of my life.”
“It goes without saying that you’re the love of my life. You’re the only one I’ve loved.” As I was running my fingers through his hair some more, I abruptly yawned. “Sorry about that. I’m getting a little tired.”
Orochimaru suddenly gave me a hungry look and licked his lips. “I told you, you can sleep in the morning. I have to taste you again.” He flipped us both over, so I was on top. “Straddle my mouth,” he said. “Come on, don’t be embarrassed. We’ve done it this way plenty of times.”
I crawled up to where he wanted me, but I didn’t sit all the way down on his face. Instead, I crouched slightly above him, on my knees. It wasn’t merely to keep my weight off of him, but also to allow enough room for Orochimaru’s tongue. Extending it was vital to his technique, not to mention how much I loved it. With my forearms, I braced myself against the headboard.
Wrapping his arms around my thighs, he pried me open further. His tongue went all over. Of course, he was still able to speak with it stretched out, which he did. “You taste sweetest when our come is mixed together inside you and it drips into my mouth.” I was on the verge of coming just from hearing him say that. My frame was quivering on him. “I see. That excites you, too.” He then licked and sucked it out of me till I screamed from pleasure.
When my orgasm ended, he held onto my thighs. “We’re not done yet. I want more of that,” he said, licking his lips.“Get on top of me like a goddess engaging her consort deity. Make me open my eyes to you.” Orochimaru released his grip on me and closed his eyes. His right arm fell by his side. He bent the left on the pillow, tucking his hand beneath his head.
After shimmying down his body, I eased him inside. Being on top always made me a tad nervous, especially if he wasn’t holding onto me. The fact that he wasn’t looking at me made it a little less intimidating. There was a contented smile on his face that made it appear as if he were sleeping and having a rather sweet dream. As I began moving on him, I marvelled at his beauty. “My sensei’s loveliness is unequalled,” I said.
He smiled more, but his eyes remained shut. This encouraged me to be more affectionate. I put my hands on his torso, touching the soft skin of his stomach. Continuing along, I caressed the muscles and prominent bones of his chest. Orochimaru moaned as I got closer to his nipples, so I focused on those next, leaning over to mouth them. ”Mmm, that’s my girl,” he purred. I hadn’t actually sucked his nipples before, but I found I quite liked it, possibly as much as he did.
Once I straightened up, I noticed his face had become flushed. He slowly opened his eyes. “You are a goddess, my dear,” he said, his breath getting heavier. “Move your body more. Ride me harder. Make me come!” I did as he told me, losing myself in the act. It thrilled me to give in like that. A few seconds later, something rare and beautiful happened. We had simultaneous orgasms. Despite it not being as intense a climax, knowing it was surging through both of us at the same time made it the sweetest one of the night. It deepened the intimacy we were sharing.
With his release ebbing, he bid me to resume my previous position. “Up here again. Hurry, I want it!” he hissed. As soon as I was back on his mouth, he worked his tongue inside me. “Mmm, you’re filled with my come!” Orochimaru moaned with great resonance while lapping up his seed from within me. He paused to show me a glob of it on his tongue prior to swallowing it. For whatever reason, that turned me on like mad. It had me close again in no time flat.
“I love when you touch me this way,” I gasped when his hands latched onto my breasts. He was concentrating more on my clit now. My ecstasy reclaimed me, making me squirm and cry out. After it subsided, I felt utterly spent. I quickly climbed off him to make certain I wouldn’t collapse on his face. Though I was rasping and barely able to move, I eagerly returned his post-coital kisses.
Orochimaru turned me over to spoon me. He covered us up with the blanket again. Nuzzling my neck, he took care not to irritate the sore bite mark on my nape. “Did you miss this as much as I have?” he whispered in my ear. His arms clasped me. One was between the crook of my neck and the pillow. The other was slung over me, holding my hand.
My energy was fading fast. Somehow, I managed an, “Mmmhmm.” I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. My whole face felt too heavy. Orochimaru was simply going to have to let me sleep. If he complained, I’d tell him it was his own fault for spooning me and being so comfortable.
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Reacquainted With Your Body