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Searching for Something	By : jellybelle21 Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1063 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Gaara didn’t realize it was morning until he heard the knocking on his door and looked out the window to see the sky lighting up on the horizon. It was likely Temari insisting they go do something annoying, like go see the academy, which always just depressed him, because the kids were always all having fun and getting along, which was completely alien to him. He really hoped it wasn’t the academy. If it was, maybe he could pretend to be sick.

“Good morning, Kazekage-sama.” What Gaara had not expected was for Neji to be at his door, bowing low in greeting. It was odd, but it didn’t seem like Neji was made for bowing like that. His whole body seemed stiff, as if it resented the gesture. “May I come in?”

Gaara was completely struck speechless. Neji was being much more polite than in their previous conversation, and it was amazing to hear how natural the deference sounded, as though he practiced it often, and Gaara wondered which was his normal way of speaking. He opened the door wider, letting Neji in, as he was too surprised by all of this to say anything at the moment. He closed the door and turned to face the man standing before him. He seemed very proud in his posture and attitude, but Gaara could see he was genuinely trying to be deferential.

“Kazekage-sama, if I could, I wanted to take this opportunity to apologize to you more properly for my intrusions upon your person. I did not mean it as an insult, and I would be pleased if the Kazekage would say that he would not hold it against myself or my village as such.” He said all of this while kneeling in a low bow that Gaara was used to seeing from his ninja when they failed a mission. It took him a moment to untangle the meaning.

“Stand up.” Gaara told him. “I will ask you a question, and you must answer me honestly.”

“Of course, Kazekage-sama.” He bowed low again and Gaara frowned slightly.

“And stop talking like that. I prefer your normal behavior.” He told the dark-haired ninja. “Stop bowing, also.”

“I thought it might make the apology more—“

“Fine.” Gaara cut him off, his expression remaining carefully neutral. “Why did you kiss me?”

“Is…that the question?” Neji clearly wasn’t expecting that, and he was a bit taken aback. “You really want to know?”

“I asked.” Gaara stated in a dry tone.”

“I suppose…there was a moment I felt that I knew you well.” Neji explained, lowering his eyes slightly. “I didn’t know what to say, and I found myself kissing you. I shouldn’t have done it, of course.”

“Yes, don’t start apologizing again.” Gaara told him impatiently. “My sister said that the reason people our age would kiss would be because of romantic feelings, but you are saying that isn’t the reason?”

“Well…” Neji looked extremely uncomfortable. “I don’t really…I mean, I don’t think that I meant it that way.”

“I see.” Gaara’s eyes narrowed and he turned to face the window, leaving Neji to stare at his back. “So you have no romantic feelings for me, but you kissed me because you felt the same way as me about…our lives?”

“Yes, and I shouldn’t have, it was presumptuous, and if you wouldn’t mention it, I would really—“

“Very well.” Gaara cut him off. “It was interesting, I had thought maybe I should try it again to see if I would like it if I wasn’t taken by surprise. But you are not interested in that. I will simply forget about it, as you said.” He turned and even though he was at least a full four inches shorter than Neji, he stretched to his full height. “You may go.”

“Oh.” Neji looked as though he were torn between looking at the door and looking at Gaara.

“Is there something else?” Gaara raised an eyebrow, annoyed at how everything turned out. Another disappointment, it seemed. He was still standing there, and Gaara was about to turn away again when Neji lunged forward, grabbed him by his shoulders, and pressed his lips against Gaara’s.

Last night, there really hadn’t been a lot of time to think about how he felt, since Neji’s lips had barely grazed his own. But now, they were pressed against his mouth, moving against his own lips. The pressure was hard enough that there was no doubt as to what was going on, but not so hard that it hurt him. With the way their lips moved, he could taste a flavor that he knew must be just the taste of Neji, and it was completely unlike he would have imagined kissing to be.

Gaara honestly hadn’t spent a lot of time thinking about such things. Suddenly, he realized why so many people his age were interested in this sort of thing. There was nothing else like this feeling, and it was amazing. When it ended, it occurred to him that Neji was very good-looking. Some part of him had known this already, but not considered it very important or relevant until that moment. His features were fine, almost feminine, but despite that and his long hair, there was no mistaking him for a woman. His eyes were a silvery hue, and he remembered that last night he had thought it fascinating the way they seemed to catch the smallest bit of light and almost glow.

Also, when he kissed Gaara, it felt good. That was key, at the moment.

“I…you said you wanted—“ Neji lowered his eyes, clearly taking Gaara’s look of surprise for disapproval. “I’m sorry, I should just go.”

“No,” Gaara regained his speech at that. “Once more.”

Neji’s eyebrow rose in confusion, and Gaara blinked at him expectantly. Neji took Gaara’s shoulders in his hands more gently this time, gave him a questioning look, and Gaara tilted his chin upward, waiting. Neji took that as confirmation, and leaned down slightly, pressing his lips against Gaara’s once more, taking it a bit more slowly now that he didn’t seem to think he was about to suffer the Desert Coffin. His eyes were closed, so Gaara let his own lids flutter shut, assuming that was the way these things were done. He allowed Neji’s mouth to part his own lips, and was a bit surprised when Neji’s tongue darted into his mouth, but since it all seemed to be very good, he returned the gesture, hoping he was doing this right. Neji’s tongue returned, this time caressing his own tongue, pressing down against it, and Gaara pressed upward, trying to concentrate on learning all about kissing, and not simply falling over because he couldn’t feel his legs anymore, for some reason. He was clutching at Neji’s back, though he didn’t remember moving his hands. It seemed his body understood what was happening and seemed to have some idea of what to do.

Eventually, the kiss ended, and Gaara felt strangely as though when Neji pulled away from him, he was taking away everything that mattered, and it wasn’t fair, and he wanted it back. “Again.” He breathed, and that was all it took to bring it all back. They were kissing again, and Gaara wondered why he had never tried this before. There were plenty of girls in Sunagakure who thought him very impressive and fawned over him, though they never got very close, thanks to Temari’s protection. Would it feel the same with anyone, or was this just how it felt with Neji?

The next time they broke, Gaara didn’t ask, he simply took. He was gaining confidence. This kissing thing didn’t seem too hard, and he was always quick on the uptake. Neji let out a strangled noise when that happened, and Gaara broke away, thinking he had something wrong. “What?”

“Nothing…I just…this is the first time I ever wanted someone to kiss me and they did.” His cheeks were flushed, his lips were swollen, and Gaara realized that indeed, Neji was very good-looking. He responded to this realization by kissing Neji again, bringing one hand around and delving it into the smooth, dark hair that Neji took such good hair of. Gaara’s own hair was unruly, so he kept it short, but Neji’s felt heavenly, and he tangled his fingers in it.

“Gaara! Get up!” Temari barged in at that moment, and they reacted in different ways. Gaara simply ignored her, since he was enjoying his kiss and wasn’t going to cut it short for her. In fact, maybe he’d just stay in all day and practice this. He had time to make up for, after all. Neji tried to leap away from him, which caused a problem since Gaara’s hand was still wrapped up in his hair. He let out a sharp grunt of pain and Gaara decided to glare at Temari for spoiling his good time. “Um…sorry to intrude…I’ll just…be out here.”

“Yes, go away.” Gaara ordered, and when the door was closed again, he frowned at Neji who was running fingers through his hair, trying to make sure it was not damaged. “Why did you do that? It’s just Temari.”

“Do you really want people to see us kissing?” Neji asked, clearly confused. “I mean, we’re both guys.”

“So are Naruto and Sasuke.” Gaara did not understand what Neji was saying to him. “And I’m Kazekage. I’ll kiss whoever I like.”

“But wouldn’t your council disapprove?” Neji wanted to know, and Gaara’s frown deepened.

“Is it wrong?” he asked, more confused than ever. “I know most men choose to be with women, but is there anything wrong with choosing another man?”

“Some people think so.” Neji sighed heavily. “I should just go. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Gaara did not like this. They had been enjoying everything a moment ago, and now Neji seemed to have changed his mind. He wondered if he really had done the kissing wrong, because it seemed to him that every time he kissed the other man, he wanted to spend more time with him. Possibly time kissing. But Neji wanted to leave. “And why are you leaving?”

“I shouldn’t have started this in the first place.” He shook his head. “And you…you’re the Kazekage. I can’t just spend a week with you…kissing and such, and then let you go back home. I mean, there could really be nothing between us, at least with Sasuke—I mean…I should go.”

“What about Sasuke?” Gaara wanted to know. None of this really made much sense to him. Why couldn’t they spend a week kissing? That sounded much better than going to the academy.

“Nothing, nothing about him.” Neji was blushing still, and Gaara hazarded a guess.

“Have you kissed him?” he wanted to know, not sure why the thought made him unbelievably angry.

“What’s the point?” Neji shrugged, but Gaara realized from the look on his face that yes, he had kissed Sasuke. That seemed rather unfair. Sasuke had Naruto to kiss whenever he wanted. Why was he going around kissing Neji? “I already said we couldn’t possibly…I mean, we see each other, what, once or twice a year? Just…forget this ever happened. Find someone to kiss back in the Sand, and you’ll be a lot better off.”

“Fine, if you want to go so badly.” Gaara was not throwing a tantrum. He was just thoroughly annoyed, and sometimes when he was annoyed, he stomped. That was all. He stomped right over to the door and threw it open. “Leave.”

“Gaara, don’t get so…never mind.” Neji shook his head, and it made his hair shimmer and catch the light, and Gaara was sure it was all calculated to make him want to be with the other man even more. “I’m sorry, but it’s really better this way.”

“All my life, other people make my choices for me.” Gaara told him in an acid tone. “They tell me that it’s better that way, but I have no way of knowing, do I?”

That hit a nerve. Neji looked at Gaara with wide eyes, and he thought of how hard he had struggled against his destiny, and realized that if anyone could understand that, it was this man, yet when they both came to an obstacle, Gaara ignored it while Neji backed away. He wanted to be like that, able to make his own choices, and to hell with the consequences. He stood there for a long moment, Gaara’s angry gaze boring into him, and very deliberately, he reached up, pushed the door shut, and pinned Gaara against the door, kissing him very thoroughly.

“I thought you wanted to leave.” Gaara asked, his tone still a bit annoyed, but very breathless as well.

“I changed my mind.” Neji’s voice was husky, and he kissed Gaara again. He didn’t know what Gaara was feeling, and he wasn’t sure what he felt, either, other than the fact that he knew with absolute certainty that this was much better than any kissing he’d done before. He didn’t count the crazy fan girls that had at times accosted him and stolen kisses, before he became skilled and cautious enough to evade them all. And Sasuke hadn’t taken any part in the forced kisses over a year ago, but those had still been his best source of excitement and satisfaction, since Tenten’s kisses had just…seemed unnatural. But this…this was so much better than any of that. He didn’t know if it was just the fact that Gaara was taking an active part in it, or if it was because Gaara was so attractive, or if it was something more than all of that. Whatever it was, the sensation of it was overwhelming, and when he pushed away his doubts and concerns and worries about what this might mean for him, and who this was, and what it meant for him if it were to continue…all of that was pointless, anyway. Neji suddenly realized that he might never find something like this again. It wasn’t as though they were madly in love, honestly, they barely knew each other. But they both liked this, and they wanted it to continue for as long as possible. Neji didn’t think there were really that many men that might be…open to his advances. He also didn’t think there were many out of that number that he would even be interested in. He had learned that with Sasuke. He should make the most of this, and just enjoy the pleasures that life was giving him right then.

“Gaara, seriously!” Temari was pounding on the door, and Gaara released his grip from Neji’s arms, looking very seriously annoyed. In that moment, Neji admired Temari’s courage. He was not afraid of very much, and he wouldn’t say he was afraid of Gaara of the Sand. He would say…he was cautiously aware of his danger. And he really doubted he would have the balls to push Gaara around that way, even if Temari was his sister. He had his doubts that made much difference.

“Go away, I said.” Gaara turned around and opened the door, and Neji backed up to allow him room, and also because he wasn’t sure he wanted to look at Temari glaring at him like he was a horrible molester who was corrupting her dear, naïve brother again like she had the last time he’d seen her all of fifteen minutes ago. “Go do something else. I’m busy.” 

“You are not busy!” Temari hissed angrily. “I saw what you were doing! You shouldn’t just shirk all your duties to spend the day letting someone have their way with you!”

“I’m not letting him do anything. I told him to.” Gaara retorted. “And you and Kankurou can go do whatever stupid thing you want me for. You two have had plenty of kissing, and I didn’t interfere with you.”

“You’re the Kazekage!” Temari was trying to force her way in the room, but very unsurprisingly, she was really no match for Gaara, who simply summoned some sand to block her way and push her back. “You shouldn’t be making choices like this without consulting your council and your advisors!”

“I am the Kazekage.” Gaara replied. “Which means I’m in charge. And I say go away.”

“But the future of the Sand—“ she was cut off as Gaara slammed the door and locked it, letting his sand drift in under the door and return to the gourd sitting in the corner.

“What your sister says is—“

“I don’t want to hear it.” Gaara cut him off, his tone still thoroughly annoyed. “I’m not an idiot. I know what she’s saying, and I know the council wants to control every part of my life. They’ve already suggested I get married, but I’m not interested in pleasing them. I want to have this one thing, and they can’t take it away from me.”

“It’s not like this could ever work.” Neji was thinking a bit more clearly now that he wasn’t concentrating on nothing beyond the heat and flavor of Gaara. It was a mistake to come here, and it was an even bigger mistake to kiss him again. “I don’t want you expecting things that I can’t give you.”

“What does that even mean?” Gaara scowled.

“We’ll never be like Naruto and Sasuke.” Neji explained. “I don’t know you that well, and you don’t know anything about me. You aren’t thinking, and you don’t know anything about it, so you don’t see that this is nothing more than just…just an urge. I know it feels good, but that doesn’t mean we’re in love or anything.”

“I didn’t ask you to marry me, did I?” Gaara responded, aggravated. “What does it matter what happens later? I’ve never had this chance before, and I might never have it again.”

“Are you kidding?” Neji laughed harshly at that. “You’ve never even tried, have you? You’re…you could have anyone you wanted. All you have to do is ask.”

“I’m asking you, and you’re refusing me.” Gaara pointed out in annoyance.

“You only want me because you’ve never had anyone else.” Neji told him, irritated at Gaara and at the sting he felt at the truth of the words he was speaking. “You don’t know any better.”

“Don’t—“ Gaara bit off the word, angrier than ever as he grabbed Neji by the arms and pushed him backward hard. Neji stumbled onto the bed, and when he tried to get up, he found a furious Kazekage holding him down with an iron grip, his wrists aching from the way Gaara’s fingers were digging into them, his neck and legs restrained by sand that felt as hard as steel. He was choking, and he wondered if Gaara even realized it. He gasped for air, and was rewarded with Gaara’s lips crashing down on his. He felt his lip split, he could taste the blood, and he still couldn’t breathe. “Treat me like a child.” Gaara finished his sentence, his eyes glittering with fury.

Neji felt sure that Gaara was going to kill him, he could feel the unforgiving sand tight around his throat, and he suddenly felt annoyed that he could be defeated so easily. He needed to escape, and he struggled, knowing that there was no way he could get free from the sand, but that he might at least overpower Gaara’s hold on his arms. He managed to get one hand free and he shot out fingers, hitting any pressure point he could find, moving fast enough to hit at least a couple before the sand stopped him. Gaara’s eyes went wide, as Neji’s work made his muscles go lax, letting Neji’s other arm free, and in his surprise, losing control of the sand that would have killed him if it had gone on another minute or so.

“You can’t just get whatever you want by force!” Neji was furious as he shoved Gaara aside and stood up. “You could have killed me. What was your plan after that? Fuck my corpse?”

“I wouldn’t have killed you.” Gaara grumbled as he tried to regain use of his body with limited success. “I just wanted you to take me seriously.”

“I do!” Neji glared at him. “I think you’ve seriously lost your damn mind!”

At those words, Gaara’s expression changed completely. He had been angry, but now he looked somehow childlike, terrified and lost. Neji regretted his words immediately. After the Shukaku had been extracted, he suddenly recalled that Naruto had mentioned that Gaara would probably be a lot happier now that he didn’t have to worry about losing control of his mind to the monster.

“That’s why he never sleeps, you know. It’s his biggest fear, that he’ll never wake up again. That he’ll lose himself.”

Neji had not really cared at the time, and Naruto had really been telling Sakura all this, since she was curious about what Gaara would be like now that his bijuu was gone. She had been concerned for Naruto, probably. Afraid that the same thing could happen to him. But now, as the words came back to him, he realized it was probably the cruelest thing he could have said to Gaara. Maybe he did know him better than he had thought. Maybe he’d meant to drive him away with those words. If so, it had almost certainly worked. Gaara looked like he had just been completely and utterly betrayed.

It’s better this way. He turned away, leaving the room in a hurry, not wanting to lose his resolve to cut this short before it went anywhere. It could never work. It didn’t matter, anyway. They had been fooling around, just having fun. Gaara would find other people that wanted him. There had to be plenty, obviously. And then he would forget all about it, and no one would be hurt.

I’ll forget him, too. I know I can.

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To be continued…
- 3
- 4
- 5
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