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Icha Icha Man of Mystery	By : Araneola Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1432 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Sakura was in the bathroom brushing her teeth when she heard
it. A distinctive and repetitive thumping noise coming from the hallway. Sakura
assumed it was just one of the many heavy-footed brutes housed inside her
apartment complex walking down the hallway, and she continued her nightly
ritual until a giggling noise could be heard coming from the same direction of
the thumping. The thumps became louder and slightly more erratic. Sakura put
her washcloth down to hang on the edge of the sink. She�d be damned if she was
going to let a couple of horny teenagers continue their humping noises against her
door. Cranky and tired, Sakura marched passed the living room, preparing to
give someone a piece of her mind. She threw open the door wide and �

Thunk.

Sakura recoiled from the threshold in pain. She brought her
hand up to rub the spot where someone had decided to headbutt her, and narrowed
her eyes to look up at the offender.

�Kaka-sensei?� She gazed upon her old teacher standing in
her doorway. He was hunched over and had the same look of exhausted annoyance
that she had sported earlier. He pointed to his baggage, still thrown over his
shoulder.

�I believe this is yours, Sakura.�

She looked at the pair of toned legs that were flashing
everyone a purple thong. She brought up her other hand to her head in
bewilderment. �Ino?�

Ino responded by giggling and slapping Kakashi�s ass, and
that promptly earned her a space on the floor of Sakura�s apartment. Kakashi
practically slumped against the doorway, fervently trying to erase both the
pictures of Ino spread eagle in front of him on the floor, and of a spread
eagle Ino with a naked Gai. Did he just wonder that? More images popped into
his head as his perverted Icha, Icha mind took control. Kakashi continued to hit
his head against the door frame.

Ino had stopped giggling, but it was replaced by a seductive
pout. A little suggestive groan while biting her bottom lip and peering at him
up through her overly made-up eyelashes� it was as though she expected him to take
pity on her, stop, drop, and take her right there with the door wide open and
Sakura watching.

That sounds like an excellent idea, actually�

Meanwhile, Sakura had taken in the obvious facts. Ino was
very, very drunk. Again. And Kakashi was currently working on a way to kill off
his brain cells, as though the alcohol wasn�t working nearly as much as he
would like it to. She was still a little confused, and decided that the sooner
this was settled the sooner she could go to bed. She asked the only question
that couldn�t be answered by observation.

�What�s that?� She was looking curiously at the Copy Nin,
pointing at the piece of paper held between his fingers. It was slightly
crinkled by his several attempts to knock himself unconscious.

Kakashi looked down in horror. His mind blanked as he
realized was still holding onto Ino�s sex-list. Of course he was. Because the
gods hated him at this very moment, and decided to let Jiraiya mess with his
brain. This was going to be bad.

Jiraiya-as-Kakashi took over, as Jiraiya had recovered and
Kakashi had degenerated. The list was unfolded. The controlled Kakashi pointed
at a line on the list. �Ino thought it would be a good idea to have a
threesome.�

Ino, scrambling up from the floor, gave a fist-pump of
triumph. She grabbed the list and practically shoved it into Sakura�s face,
pointing at the item on her list in much the same way as Kakashi had. Her blue
eyes peaked around the corner gleefully. �We can cross it off our lists! See!�

Ino was noticeably excited, in more ways than one. Sakura
was both shocked and horrified. Kakashi was standing stock still, as his mind
was released from Jiraiya�s perverted hold, looking directly at Sakura.

�We�? Our lists�?� Kakashi should have stopped and
ran. �Do you have one of those too?�

Sakura remained horrified and a blush started to creep its
way up to her eyes. She couldn�t say anything, she couldn�t move. Their silly,
drunken list had been exposed by her ex-sensei. She could only hope he was too
smashed, or had smashed his head against her door too much so that he wouldn�t
remember any of this in the morning, or ever.

The only reaction Kakashi gave that he acknowledged her
answer was a little �meep� of shock. And then he crumpled there on the
threshold, his poor Icha, Icha obsessed brain having been through too much for
one night.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A few streets away, in a darkened alleyway behind some
over-turned garbage bins, the Frog Hermit was giggling in his muse-induced
writer�s glee. He had come prepared, though his binoculars lay abandoned next
to him. Drawings and bits of writing appeared on papers scattered about him. Jiraiya
snatched one paper out of the mass and stacked it into his pile. Even he could
not have predicted the excellent results of his recent experiment. Who knew his
number one fan could give him such good material? The mysterious mask, his
chivalrous yet completely tempting attitude towards women! He should have
noticed the signs of a great opportunity before!

A dynasty was in the making. A romance novel series to end
them all. The holy grail of smut. A perfect way to earn him scores of beautiful
fangirls!

He would be sensitive and charming, no longer old and
perverted. And he could start it all by next week, if he hurried the presses
fast enough to print the first book in the Icha, Icha Man of Mystery Romance
Series�

Today was going to be a very good day.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kakashi wished he could share that thought. He knew as soon
as he woke up that today was, in fact, going to be a very, very bad day.
He was half curled up on some lumpy mass, his legs were currently sticking out
at awkward angles, his hair had been flattened so much by his uncomfortable
head position that it was straying into his good eye, and the headband that
normally covered his Sharingan eye had shifted in the night so that he was also
staring directly into the disgustingly cheerful, bright sun streaming in through
the window.

The gods must hate me so much right now.

Kakashi grunted, and shifted his awkward limbs all at once
so he was lying straight on his back with the sun out of his eye. He calmly
assessed the situation. He figured he was lying on someone�s couch, and that
someone had probably unceremoniously dumped him there. He had a slight headache
from a hang over, but otherwise he felt alright. Chakra was normal, and after
stretching out a bit, he believed his arms and legs would be in good shape as
well.

He sat up slowly and looked around. It was a tidy enough
room with just a few things, but the bareness of the room gave a feeling of
not-used as opposed to clean habits. There was a small television across from
him, flanked by a bookshelf filled with knick knacks on one side and a side
table supporting an overgrown house plant on the other. There was a love-seat
in addition to the lumpy couch he was currently sitting on, and a coffee table
in front of him. There was a napkin with some pills and a note scribbled onto
it next to the candy dish.

Thought you might need these. Went to work. Lock up after
you leave. �Sakura

Well, that explained most of it. Kakashi could slightly
recall arriving at his former student�s door step with an intoxicated wild cat
slung over his shoulder. The details were a bit blurry after that, and truth be
told, it was probably better if they stayed that way. Kakashi gingerly made his
way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and take the aspirin.

The excess water sloshed down the drain, and Kakashi left
the empty glass on the counter. There was no use staying around to let the rest
of his headache disappear. He had things to do: Icha, Icha to read, a certain
perverted old man to kill� He locked the door behind him as he stepped out of
Sakura�s apartment.

Maybe today wouldn�t be so bad after all�
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Icha Icha Man of Mystery