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Winter Release	By : Cepheus Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1260 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
- 5
Edited:16/04/2011
Cepheus:I want to be clear on something… Itachi is not destined to become a darker, sexier version of Mousse from Ranma in this fic. The problems of his Mangekyou Sharingan will be dealt later on, with time, so please trust me, ok?

…–…–…–…–…–…–…

Rating: M
Warnings:yaoi, boy x boy relationship, angsty, torture, and such. Mental as well. Flames will be used to warm up food.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

“Talking”
‘Thinking’
–Flashbacks, memories, dreams–

…–…–…–…–…–…–…

Winter Release
Chapter 04: Decisions

Naruto awoke by the sunrays on his face, nuzzling at him and forcing him out of his troubled sleep.
His eyelids trembled slightly before opening slowly, blue orbs blinking at the sudden and mostly unwanted light that called him out from his dreams… well, better then, nightmares.
With a soft groan, Naruto blinked again, rubbing his eyes with his hands in an attempt to shift away from the sun, hiding his face into the pillow with a low growl; he really didn’t want to wake up.
Despite being glad of a reprise from his nightmares, as they had haunted him all night, forcing him away from a healing sleep over and over, the coming to consciousness felt more like something he should dread than to be relieved about.
There was a lingering feeling from the night before, and he didn’t want to have to face the world, no matter how childish this wish of his was. Facing the day would mean having to deal with too many things, for which he wasn’t ready yet.
His friends knowing about Kyuubi, for example. That was the only thing left to deal with at the moment.
Still caught with the depression from the previous day, Naruto also considered facing the fact that maybe his dream wouldn’t be as easy to achieve anymore –being a Hokage with a village that continued hating him? was he even able to get that far?
It hurt, but a part of him was still refusing to admit defeat.
Being Hokage… it was his dream, his ultimate goal, and it had been so for as long as he could remember, and he wasn’t ready to give up on it. He needed this dream to continue on.
After all, having a demon inside didn’t mean he wouldn’t be able to reach that goal, right? It was ok to let his walls drop for a moment, and wallow in sadness, but he had to pull himself together and just continue moving.
He wouldn’t allow himself to keep wallowing.
Naruto groaned, resigning himself and finally standing up to sit on the bed; he had a lot to think about, but first he needed to check his surroundings.
When he had woken up the night before, he had noticed he was in a hospital room, which meant he had been rescued from Itachi at some point, but he hadn’t questioned the fact, too lost in his grief to even care about that.
He vaguely remembered someone calling his name right as he was being pulled into Itachi’s Tsukiyomi, so maybe Tsunade had been the one to help him then.
He’d believed in the Hokage, and the woman had proved him right. He’d been rescued successfully, and was still in Konoha.
This wasn’t the same room he had been into before, though. There were no flowers on the table, nor the ‘get well’ cards he had received from Hinata and Shizune. Did Tsunade put him in a different room, then? If so, why?
Shrugging, Naruto continued looking around. It didn’t really matter much.
And he was alone. For the moment, it suited him well –he had many things to think about, and he needed time to ponder about everything, and to calm himself enough to return to that cheerful mask he wore around others, so they would not worry about him.
He was aware that he had very few people he could count on, but if they saw him being hurt, unable to fight, they’d only try to help, endangering themselves in the process.
This wasn’t something he wanted. It was better to just fake he was ok, and that he could take everything… then they would be safe. They would be proud of him, and nobody would notice he was hurting.
Once upon a time, he had promised himself that he wouldn’t let anyone step on him, and that he would always stand back up with a smile. He always respected his word, that was his nindo.
And hiding his pain behind a mask of happiness also helped with those that hurt him –when hurt, never show it, or they will hurt you more, knowing they can get beneath your skin. Knowing this, Naruto always smiled. It was natural. It was expected.
It was hard not to, after a while, when the actions had turned into a routine.
The first times it had been hard, of course, but nowadays it was so easy he barely noticed doing it, and as it was expected of him –Naruto was strong, even if he was silly and smiled so much and he was a klutz– so he had never looked back.
Brooding didn’t suit it. It was more something like Sasuke would do.
Sasuke too had a mask, Naruto could recognise the signs too well, because the two of them were similar; they were not the same, but they were similar enough, in many ways. Sasuke’s mask was to hide himself away so no one could understand how he felt, a ‘don’t touch, don’t you dare coming close to me’ mask, to scare people away.
Nobody did come close, nobody thought about telling the teen to stop dwelling on the past because it was wrong, nobody had tried to help him get rid of his desire for revenge… or simply tried to offer their friendship to him.
Naruto, of course, had tried that. He had gotten closer, nailing Sasuke until he had accepted him., but not even Naruto had truly seen the depths of Sasuke’s despair until it was too late.
On his own, Naruto had only wanted to be noticed, painting for himself the mask of a prankster, so that people would have to notice him, because to him, being ignored hurt more than any insult.
At least, by insulting him, the villagers acknowledged his presence.
Of course that didn’t mean that he wanted the attention Akatsuki was giving him –they made him wish to be invisible, actually, if only to have them ignore him forever.
Shaking his head, not wanting to think about that any longer, Naruto slowly tested his body, stretching his muscles tentatively. He flexed his arms and legs, then tried to summon some chakra from his reserves.
He wasn’t too badly hurt, just tired, his chakra still functioned properly, and the only scars he’d have left after Kyuubi finished healing him would be the mental ones, but he could deal with that.
He had to admit that, for as much as the demon inside him was the bane of his existence, he still did have a few good points.
Naruto wasn’t sure whether to be grateful to have such power at his disposal, although he didn’t like using it, or blame everything that had happened to him on the stupid fox inside him and be done with it.
Yes, it had aided him more than once, but…
‘Maybe I should stop thinking about that, it’s not like I can do anything about it,’he reasoned dispassionately.
He felt empty. He didn’t really want to think about the night before, about what had happened with the ANBU, and he was drained out. He had cried for a long time, and though he felt wary and exhausted, he also felt much better than he had been in a long time.
It looked like crying had helped, because he felt… relieved. Lighter, even. He had always thought that ninja should only cry out of happiness, but there were times when even the strongest ninja had to let go and get things out of their system.
Empty, yes, but also better.
Yawning, he closed all the confusing emotions away so that he wouldn’t have to deal with them, at least not for the moment. The sun was high in the sky, warming his skin from the window, and the nightmares felt distant, misty, like they did every morning.
It was easy to forget about them, or else he wouldn’t be able to keep on smiling.
Maybe avoiding things wasn’t the best way to deal with them, but this was him, and he was the one to decide how and when to deal with things. If he did it now… he’d break down again. He didn’t want to.
He was strong, he would just have to face things on his own pace. If his friends were to… if they ended up rejecting him, didn’t that mean they were not good friends in the first place?
Still, they were the only friends he had made in the village, and if they were to hate him too… what was left for him in Konoha? He could consider that an even greater challenge, but it wasn’t the same. He couldn’t win them over again if they thought he was a demon…
After all, he had lied to them. Well, not lied… but he’d hidden something from them. He hadn’t trusted them, so was he really expecting them to trust him now?
Tsunade, Jiraiya, Iruka, they cared for him, acknowledged him. He could do it for them, of course, but at times he thought that they just weren’t enough. He was starved of attention, so while important to him, he needed more, too.
Despite his will to forget it all, and to always look forwards, he was really afraid, deeply so; he was quite aware that no matter what he could tell himself, if his friends really rejected him he would end up broken.
Maybe… if it had been Sasuke, he would have accepted him; he wouldn’t have cared if the demon Kyuubi was sealed inside him, he would have called him ‘dobe’ or ‘usuratonkachi’ just like before. Nothing would have changed.
But there again, Sasuke had been the first to betray him… and not just him, but the whole village. and Sasuke knew nothing of the demon, even though he had to see the hints… Naruto had used a lot of the fox’s power during their fight at the Valley of End.
Still, could he put some faith in his friends? It was hard to do so, with how distant they had been for years, during their academy days. Yet, they were all growing up, were they? And his friends were not like the rest of the village. If he trusted them, would they really hurt him?
Was it worth it, to give them a chance?
He wasn’t sure he’d be able to stand back up as if nothing was wrong, if they broke that fragile trust.
Was this his weakness?
He couldn’t even face what Tsukiyomi had showed him, and he knew that was simply the truth. An illusion that had showed him nothing but reality.
He was guilty, he was a coward–
The door clicked open.
Naruto’s thoughts scattered away like grain salts and a split second later, he was enveloped into a warm, tight embrace, too shocked by the sudden action to be able to speak up.
“Naruto! You are awake!”
Was that… Tsunade?
Naruto was, for the lack of a better word, stunned; she had never, ever, hugged him before. That was a shock by itself, really. Yes, she had held him close once, and she punched him through walls if he called her ‘old’, but not this kind of close contact.
He had ended up referring her as if she was family for him, but he hadn’t thought about what exactly she thought of him; he wasn’t one for profound thinking, of course, so he hadn’t given the matter much thought before, but had always assumed that the way she thought of him was different from the way he thought of her.
The fact that she was there, holding him against her chest, tearing up in relief, her hands gently ruffling his hair, was a great comfort to him.
It felt good.
“Tsunade obaa–chan… I can’t breathe… jeez!”
He was released from her arms, and he missed the warmth as soon as he was freed; it had felt rather nice. Comforting. Familiar… only Iruka had ever held him like that before, and that had only happened twice…
Looking up, he met a pair of light brown eyes, filled with tears, and smiled warmly at the woman.
He didn’t know it, but he had grown to be the one great weakness of one of the strongest shinobi in the world. That was quite a feat.
“Naruto, you can’t understand how worried I was… I’m glad you are…” and there he was, hugged again by an overemotional Tsunade, although this time she was mindful of not squeezing him too tightly.
Breathing the vanilla scent on her hair, that was tickling his nose, Naruto felt oddly relieved, and her words brought forth a wave of butterflies in his stomach.
She was worried about him. It was always weird to hear that coming from someone who was not Iruka, after all, but Naruto knew Tsunade enough to know she was being honest.
“Naruto, first and foremost… whatever he had you see… that was not real. Anything he did to you while under that Genjutsu…” she grabbed his face in her hands, tilting it upwards so she could look at him straight in the eyes, “it was not real. Naruto, you have to believe me”.
Shaking his head, still surprised at the comfort she was offering him with just her closeness, Naruto did the only thing he could.
“You are surely getting old… I guess paper work is finally making you lose it,” he smiled broadly, but Tsunade was not fooled.
“Naruto, please,” she whispered. “What did he show you?”
The blond teen fidgeted, looking down at his hands, smile wavering on his lips. He knew he’d have to tell her in the end, but the fact that he’d have to think about it, and then share it with someone else… no, he couldn’t do it.
“Nothing… he just… it was…” he faltered. He could not repeat what he’d seen, nor the pain he’d felt, and everything was blurred and distorted now anyway.
The only thing that was still clear in his mind was the way Itachi’s eyes had been spinning, cold and empty, so similar and yet so different from those of Sasuke. The rest was just a blur of pain and insults and darkness, melting together with his nightmares.
“Tsunade obaa–chan, I swear, it was nothing. I mean it. I’ll… I’ll be fine, ok?”
He felt bad for trying to deceive her like this, but he was positive he simply needed some time. He could move on. Just… some time. He would face it.
But he had to make Tsunade believe that, too… so he smiled at her, and he put all his heart into that one smile, so when she nodded and relented, he felt a wave of relief flood him.
She believed him, good. And it wasn’t like he was lying to her, either, because he truly believed that he would just need some time to cope. Why wouldn’t he?
Calming down a bit, Naruto turned to look at the window and Tsunade shook her head, looking fondly at him; she was proud he was taking everything so well, but she could easily see he was still hurt. Unfortunately, if she tried to force him to tell her what he’d felt, he might only clam up and it’d be worse.
She would have to accept the fact that Naruto would not explain further, and simply be happy he was still alive and still with her.
With a soft sigh, Tsunade straightened her back. At least for now, the only way she could help was by being there for him.
“Tsunade obaa–chan… were you really worried about me?”
While the question surprised her a bit, it wasn’t really unexpected; schooling her face, she nodded, knowing that no words would ever manage to express what she had felt when seeing him in the snow, in front of the Uchiha.
She could have lost him.
Naruto glanced at her, and her nod was enough of an answer for him. his smile returned fully, just as a rumbling sound filled the air. “Ah, I’m so hungry, obaa–chan, can I have some ramen?” he laughed sheepishly.
Tsunade scoffed, but was more than happy to just agree; Naruto was apparently fine, even after a Tsukiyomi. She was thankful for that.
“Ramen is not good for your health, especially since you are a growing boy,” a voice from the window answered the blond teen.
Naruto turned around and blinked, seeing Kakashi standing onto the windowsill, his only visible eye curved upwards. He was obviously smiling, the outline of his lips underneath the mask clearly told him so.
“Kakashi–sensei!” the blond exclaimed, seriously surprised about the sudden appearance of his teacher. “What are you doing here?”
“What, can’t I visit a student of mine?” Kakashi said mock–hurt; he bounced into the room, hopping next to the bed and lifting his hand, about to speak more, but then something else appeared in a blur behind him, and a second later the silver haired jounin was face–flat on the floor, something tall, green and… noisy coming inside through the same window.
“Ah, the flame of youth is burning from the early morning!” the green thing yelled loudly, and Naruto inwardly groaned.
Lee’s teacher –Gai–sensei…
Seriously, Naruto admired Lee and his strength and devotion, and had took into serious consideration learning Gai’s Taijutsu, but… no one in their right mind would appreciate their dressing style… or their other… oddities.
Gai brought one hand to his chest, tears falling from his eyes dramatically. “My eternal rival, don’t let me stop you from properly showing your beloved student how burning your flame is, I just wanted to check if young Naruto was fine, and since I saw that his youthful flame is actually burning strongly, I can happily go and train myself out!”
And he disappeared. Just like that.
‘Freak,’Naruto thought with a shudder, blinking at the spot where Gai had been until a second before. He didn’t know it, but the three adults in the room had just thought the same, too.
“So…” he coughed, attracting the attention of the other shinobi in the room, “can I have my ramen now?” he asked hopefully.

…–…–…–…

White eyes blinked tiredly as Neji finally awoke from his slumber, feeling more tired than he had been when falling asleep.
He had not been able to sleep properly all night, partly because of the noises coming from a few of the teens he’d shared a room with, partly because even if he wasn’t that good at showing it, he was terribly worried for Naruto.
Well, not terribly. Or yes. Still, he was a Hyuuga, terribly worried or not, he wasn’t showing it anyway.
He could hear Chouji snoring loudly, mixing well with Kiba’s growling and snoring, and Lee’s who was not only snoring, but also tossing and turning around in his sleep, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like ‘the youthful flame’ and ‘if I don’t achieve it, I’ll do a thousand push–ups’.
He was used to Lee on his own, as he had shared a room with his teammate enough to become somewhat accustomed to his nightly rituals, but he hadn’t had the ‘pleasure’ to do the same for the other two, and it showed –it was impossible for him to sleep comfortably there.
Not to mention that, although the situation was completely safe, he was worried that his uncle would realise he had allowed his cousin Hinata to sleep unguarded in a room full of teenager males.
While excusable during missions, this situation would probably make uncle Hiashi mad at him if he were to find out… maybe Hinata would be willing to not tell her father about that…
As his drowsiness finally disappeared, the first thing he became aware of was someone’s gaze fixed on him; the feeling made him distinctly uncomfortable, but as he glanced around, frowning, everybody else was still sleeping.
Hinata was resting on one bed, amazingly still asleep despite the cacophony of noise; maybe she was used to this kind of chaos, as the Inuzuka heir was her teammate… Chouji, Kiba and Lee were all piled on the armchairs a nurse had allowed them to get into the room when it became clear that they would not leave until Naruto returned, while he had been sharing the second bed with…
Oh, Shikamaru was missing.
Neji scanned the room again, wondering where the Nara heir was, and finally spotted the teen in a corner of the room, sitting on the floor, looking like he was deep in thought –or maybe he was just meditating.
He was in the pose he’d assumed during his fight with Temari, his hands in front of him, fingers touching, eyes close.
For a split second, Neji wondered if it had been Shikamaru looking at him before –he was the only one not sleeping, after all…
“Good Morning Neji,” the Nara’s greeting was soft, and Neji composed himself enough to reply with an equally soft “hn”.
Something flickered in Shikamaru’s eyes that Neji couldn’t read before the teen finally moved from his position, straightening and stretching up.
Neji flinched inwardly when he heard the other teen’s bones popping.
“Hmm, I guess none of the others will be up for a while,” Shikamaru looked around, eyes sharp. “And Shino is out somewhere looking for his bugs, so… what about a short visit to Naruto?”
With that one casual statement, Neji realised three things.
First –Shino really wasn’t there. The teen often faded into the background when in presence of Kiba, Lee or Naruto (who were quite more… attention–grabbing than he was), but there again, he was an Aburame. It was in his genes.
Second –Shikamaru had apparently been up for a while, meditating or thinking or whatever, and had left the room already once.
And third –he seemed to know where Naruto was.
“Hmm,” he replied with a nod.
Shikamaru grunted in reply, one corner of his lips twitching upward, then left the room not even bothering to be quiet, as nobody would wake up if they hadn’t already; Neji followed him silently, not even raising one eyebrow at the snoring trio.
The two walked down the corridor still in silence as Shikamaru led them both to Naruto’s room, glad that the majority of them was still asleep. He was sure that Naruto wouldn’t want to face all of them at once.
Despite the trust Naruto had in them –and Shikamaru wasn’t exactly sure how much that was– this was something different, bigger. He would want the support, but he wouldn’t be willing to ask for it.
He would probably expect them to reject him.
The best option so far was to have a private talk with the blond loudmouth first, but it would have been too troublesome to go alone to see him, and Neji just happened to be awake at the right moment.
Well, that and the fact that he had been staring pointedly at the sleeping Hyuuga until he woke up. Like his father used to say, will is what makes the world spin.
“Here,” Shikamaru pointed to a closed door and without waiting a single moment he knocked. He wondered if Naruto was already awake.
“Come in”.
Shikamaru’s ears twitched at the tone and registered it to analyze it later; it was Naruto’s voice, and it sounded a little strained.
He pushed the door open, and noticed that the Hokage and the white haired man from before, Jiraiya–sama, were there again, sitting at the blond teen’s sides much like the previous night; Naruto was awake, and was currently pouting at the two Sannin.
The moment Naruto saw his new visitors, though, his face turned ghostly white and promptly looked away from them; he had tried to prepare himself for the obvious confrontation, but he hadn’t succeeded at all.
“You again?” Jiraiya had noticed Naruto’s stiffening, and decided to intervene, in an attempt to ease things for the two ninja. “That one popped around yesterday, too,” he waved at Naruto with mock annoyance, “he didn’t want to leave until we assured him you were fine”.
Taken aback, Naruto finally looked over at Shikamaru, who scratched the back of his head, muttering something under his breath about troublesome old perverts, aware of the glare Neji was sending in his direction.
“You knew he was back yesterday already, yet you said nothing?!” the Hyuuga was fuming in the typical Hyuuga fashion –glaring with all his might, eyes aflame, voice turned into a icy hiss, and face carefully blank. “Shikamaru!”
“… so troublesome…” Shikamaru drawled out, rolling his eyes. “You were sleeping, I was not, and he really needed to rest…” with that, the lazy teen glanced over at Naruto. “Speaking of which, hey, Naruto, how are you feeling?”
Naruto was truly, utterly, completely confused.
Shikamaru was speaking to him normally, and actually looked rather concerned, underneath his usual grumpy self.
He knew of Kyuubi, so why was he acting this nicely with him?
A glance at Tsunade and Jiraiya offered him a possible answer to that; Tsunade was the Hokage, and people were used to hide their real intentions in front of her.
“Ah, I actually feel fine!” his face lit up with a smile that didn’t really reach his eyes, and every person in the room noticed it.
Jiraiya snorted and stood up, knowing that the teens needed some time to discuss things on their own.
Stretching his back in an exaggerated way, Jiraiya let out a grunt. “I am not sure about you, but I need coffee. I’ll be back shortly, brat”.
Tsunade shrugged, also standing up. “I have some paper work to do, I’ll check on you later, Naruto”.
Both left the room unhurriedly, but as the door closed behind their back, the room was enveloped in a thick silence; Naruto refused to speak or even look at them, busying himself with brushing invisible dirt away from the sheets of the bed.
After a few seconds Neji, unable to stand the silence and knowing Shikamaru would not be the one to speak up first, realised it was all up to him.
“Naruto… what happened? You look like shit”.
Well, that wasn’t really what he’d wanted to say, but at least it was a start. ‘What a stupid question anyway,’ Neji thought.
Naruto mumbled something.
“I happened upon a fight between… Tsunade obaa–chan and… some intruders while I was…” he trailed off, ‘while I was running away from you guys,’ he concluded in his mind.
“I… see,” ‘I see? Come on, that’s lame, even for me,’ Neji felt like hitting his head against the closest wall. He really wasn’t a morning person, no matter what other people thought. He needed at least a few more hours just to wake up, a cup of strong, black coffee and a shower to get to his usual level of coolness.
Shikamaru groaned. ‘So troublesome, and there I thought Neji would be the perfect person to drag with me here. Note to self, Neji is definitely not a morning person…’
He had to take matters into his own hands.
“Naruto, stop playing dumb and look at me,” he ordered. He rarely used his commanding voice because he didn’t want others to realise he had a leader vocation, but if the situation required it, he would gladly do it.
The blond teen snapped his eyes to him, unable to deny Shikamaru’s request; that commanding tone seemed to require instant compliance.
Neji lifted one eyebrow in wonder, amazed at the sharp voice Shikamaru had used. He didn’t seem like one to lead, but that tone was something else.
“Listen carefully, you troublesome you,” Shikamaru’s eyes were burning with a strong emotion neither of the two teens had ever seen, and Naruto was stupefied enough he had nothing to say.
Yes, definitely –Shikamaru had the attitude of a commander.
“I frankly don’t care if you are the container of Kyuubi or the next necromancer in rising. Everyone has their own troublesome problems. I can understand that you thought it would be better not to tell us for fear of losing our friendship… but now it’s in the open. We know. And nothing has changed. You are still Naruto, and I am still me. I still consider you a damn troublesome loudmouth,” he waved his hand in Neji’s direction. “And I think Mr. Blank here would say the same if he wasn’t too busy sleepwalking and staring like a fish… and I can say the same for your other friends, who are currently still sleeping like troublesome logs in your room a few doors from here, waiting for you to come back. Did you hear me? Nothing has changed”.
Naruto didn’t look convinced, though, but Shikamaru wasn’t finished.
“We are your friends, Naruto. We’ve known you for a while. This thing in you… it’s just that. Something inside you. It is not you. The Naruto I know is the Naruto I respect and that I grew fond of, no matter how many troublesome things it has brought down on me” he looked straight into Naruto’s eyes. “I am your friend, Naruto. We all are, so you’d better start believing it”.
He grimaced and fell silent.
SoTroublesome.
Stupid troublesome blonds.
Naruto blinked, burning tears welling up into his eyes, and he refused to let them fall. His chest was aching, but in a sort of good way.
He really didn’t know what to say, because Shikamaru’s words had hit all the right spots, quelling down his fears like water on a flame.
So, he smiled instead.
It was one of the brightest smiles Shikamaru and Neji had ever seen, and it said more than any long speech could ever hope to. There was no more need for words, then. A simple shared smile was all that was needed.

…–…–…–…

The blond had to refrain himself from sighing out aloud.
“Are you sure you are fine?” Tsunade asked one more time.
He nodded, “yes,” he repeated, almost annoyed.
Naruto wasn’t quite sure how many times he had been asked that in the last two days; Tsunade, Jiraiya, Kakashi–sensei, even Hinata and his other friends had kept on asking him, and every single time he had replied that yes, thank you, I feel fine.
Of course, while not exactly a lie, Naruto hadn’t been truthful with them. They were looking so worried that he couldn’t just tell them that he wasn’t really all that fine.
He needed to come to terms with things on his own, but having people breathing on his neck all the time didn’t really help him, one way or the other.
They never allowed him some time with himself, and every time someone had to leave, someone else would pop up –for how much Naruto enjoyed his friends’ presence, their comfort and their clear care for him, he had noticed their reluctance to leaving him alone, and felt cheated.
Did they believe he was going to just drop into depression the moment he was left alone? He was a shinobi, for Kami’s sake… (he easily ignored the fact that during that night, he had actually wished someone to be there, and now he wanted to take it back… confusing, really)
Yes, the Tsukiyomi had hurt him, but that didn’t mean he could ignore the matter for long. He couldn’t just discuss it with a friend (it was too personal, too raw) or with Tsunade, either.
But if nobody allowed him some time alone, how could he face everything on his own? What did they expect from him?
Naruto, if anything was not a coward. He’d vowed it on his blood, during his very first mission with his team –before meeting Haku and Zabuza, before everything had started going downwards…
But to be true to his word, he had to do things on his own terms. Thankfully, he was going to be dismissed by the hospital in a few hours, and then he would finally be away from the overwhelming presence of his friends for a while.
He loved them, he really did –but this was something he needed to do on his own.
Unfortunately, the fact that he was going to leave the hospital didn’t sit well with Tsunade. She had fussed over him for at least a few hours, even though she couldn’t find anything unhealed in his body that would force him to stay at least one more night in that place.
He was grateful that his friends were devoting their time to be with him though, while they could have used it to train or have fun on the own –not just Tsunade, who was the Hokage, or Jiraiya (who had probably refrained from spying into an onsen for the last two days), but also the Rookie Nine and Gai’s team.
Well, not nine anymore –Sasuke was still gone. That was another sore point Naruto wanted to think about. And Sakura…
Sakura was probably still angry with him. Ino and TenTen had visited him once or twice, but Sakura hadn’t.
The thought hurt, because Naruto was still unsure what to think about her, and he knew the pain she was clearly going through –hell, it was the same pain he was feeling, too– but he was determined in allowing her all the time she needed.
Maybe she just deserved some more time, then maybe she would come around and forgive him…
“Are you sure you don’t want Shizune to come with you?” Tsunade stared worriedly at the blond, noticing the way he was spacing out.
It was stupid of her to be worrying about him so much after everything he’d done in the past, and his bouncing back even after Itachi’s attack, but she couldn’t help it –she was afraid he would snap at any given moment, and she feared she wouldn’t be there for him then.
Naruto deserved more attention, and she was really trying hard to give it to him –they all were.
“Tsunade obaa–chan, I’m fine. Really. I appreciate your concern, but I just want to go home… shouldn’t you be worrying more over the pile of paperwork that’s waiting at the office, though?”
“Yes yes,” she replied, ruffling his hair hard. “Nothing can keep you down, right?”
Naruto smiled back, feeling she was finally relenting. “Nothing at all, old hag, you can be sure of that!”
As Tsunade’s eye twitched, Naruto took his chance to leave the room, waving at her as he left that damned place. He couldn’t believe he was finally out of it.
His first thought once out of the hospital, as he breathed deeply the cool air and looked around –it was snowing again… winters were turning colder and colder nowadays– was to just drop everything and ran off to Ichiraku to get some of the food he considered healthy, but after a moment, he shook his head.
As much as he wanted to eat first, he needed some time for himself, and if he were to go at his house or at Ichiraku, he was sure that someone would be there waiting for him already.
No, he needed to go somewhere more private where nobody would expect him to go to.
It was time he faced his ghosts, or at least a few of them. No need to push back that dreaded moment, otherwise he would never be able to let it behind.
With this thought on his mind he headed towards the Hokage Mountain, where he felt safe from the hatred of the villagers and the things that normally bothered him.
“Monster!”
He faltered on his steps but quickly resumed his pace, shaking his head. He would not let the nightmares get the best of him. After the attack (Itachi’s eyes in the darkness, the stinging pain of words that hurt, reminder of his weakness), the nightmares had been more frequent, but they hadn’t overwhelmed him. Yet.
The Hokage mountain was silently standing in front of him, and Naruto looked up at it with pride, knowing that soon enough a fifth face would join the previous four up there –Tsunade’s face.
He was fond of that old hag, after all. She was nice, acting almost like a… mother with him. or a big sister –he wouldn’t know how a mother acted, but she was still the closest thing to a mother he’d ever had.
Climbing up the mountain didn’t take much, and once he reached his favourite spot, right on top of Yondaime’s head, he felt better already.
The breeze curled around him, making him shiver slightly, but with the sun still up and bright, he wasn’t cold yet; he could stay some more time and enjoy the peace and the sight before having to run off to his house to get some warmer clothes.
Underneath him, the village buzzed with life; people worked and walked around, trying to live their lives in peace. With his heightened eyes he could see villagers open their shops, or work around in their houses, in their gardens… he could even see kids gathering up at the Academy, one of the Chuunin teachers calling for them with a soft smile on their lips.
For a split second, Naruto wished he could be back at the Academy again. Many things had happened in the short span of a year, and many hadn’t been easy on him, either. The Chuunin exams, Sandaime’s death, Gaara, Orochimaru, Sasuke and his seal, then Itachi, Tsunade returning to be Hokage… then, Sasuke’s betrayal.
And now…
Naruto curled up, legs tightly pressed against his chest, and placed his chin on his knees, sighing.
‘If not for Kyuubi,’he thought, ‘my life would have been normal’.
Or maybe not, but he wasn’t one to dwell on the past too much. Past was past, nothing could change it. He couldn’t, so why think of it?
He knew he was stalling, but he allowed himself to, simply staring at Konoha some more.
As he let his eyes linger on the villagers down there, he noticed a person he recognised well. It was one of those who used to insult him whenever they met him in the streets; he could remember his face twisting in anger and disgust as he yelled at him to go away, that he didn’t deserve to go near him.
It was an old man, well, old as in, in his late forties. He was not a shinobi, and by what Naruto knew of him, he’d never been one; he used to work in a bookstore, and Naruto had seen Kakashi buy books from him more than once –all new editions of Jiraiya’s works, of course.
The man was smiling, holding onto a little girl who was probably his daughter. He couldn’t hear what they were saying of course, he was too far away, and he couldn’t really see their expressions well, but they seemed happy.
So different from the anger the man reserved to him.
Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was a monster…
One hand sneaked down to press on the seal that was there, on his stomach, hidden by his shirt, and he shook his head. No, he didn’t really believe that. He was no monster, and it hadn’t been his fault that Yondaime had decided to seal that demon inside him, either.
He didn’t feel any hatred towards that man, though. Maybe he should have felt something –animosity, anger, at least a bit of resentment, but there was none. Seeing him happy with his daughter didn’t make Naruto happy, but it didn’t make him feel angered either.
It was… weird.
His mind reluctantly thought back to the meeting with Itachi. If he wanted to move on, he had to face it.
What was different from the usual mocking and yelling’ nothing, except that he usually didn’t have to listen to the villagers for more than a few minutes every day… within Itachi’s Genjutsu he had to face all that hatred for what had felt like days.
It had never stopped, never lessened in intensity.
“Monster!”
“Demon!”
It had felt too real. It hurt. A blur of voices, hatred… things he didn’t want to remember. Beatings. Mocking voices, hatred…
But then again, it was real, because it was something that had truly happened. Not at once, but it had.
He had endured all of this already, and nothing had changed, so why did it feel worse now? He just had to keep on enduring it until…
Until what, exactly?
What was going to happen? What would make the village change enough to accept, or at least tolerate, his presence? What would make them finally see the Naruto that was not a demon?
He would find a way.
Just like with everything else, he could put all the pain away, and endure. It was nothing different than usual.
Besides… Naruto blinked, looking down at the village again. In his mind, they were yelling at him again, but the people he saw from above the Hokage mountains were happy. It felt contrasting –it was so different.
They had every right to be happy, but he had every right to find balance, too. He had every right to be happy, too.
While he couldn’t make them stop yelling at him or whisper against him, he could still continue on, because he didn’t feel guilty or afraid of them anymore. They had hurt him, yes, but they couldn’t really hurt him anymore now.
And if he could find a way to make them see… if he continued fighting like that… they would surely see the truth. One day, he would make them see the truth, even if he had to take them up one after the other.
Nothing had changed, and yet everything did.
There was someone else who knew about Kyuubi now, and they didn’t consider him any differently from before. The village couldn’t accept him, but his friends had.
He did make some progress, after all, and that made him smile softly, proud with himself.
Tsunade cared for him, and Jiraiya too, and Iruka–sensei and all his friends… and even Kakashi–sensei did.
They all cared.
Naruto’s eyes fluttered close as he allowed the warmth caused by thinking about his growing family to fill him up.
His smile grew stronger, then faltered. The blond boy breathed deeply and confronted his next problem.
Sasuke.
It would be a lie to say Naruto hadn’t been disappointed by Sasuke. He was. And it hurt to think Sasuke had thrown him away like garbage, without care. He was also rather angry –who the hell did Sasuke think he was? He wasn’t above rules, he wasn’t above others.
But Sasuke was a friend anyway. He was his first friend, and he had worked hard to gain Sasuke’s respect, and now that he had it, he would get that stupid Uchiha back even if he had to do it by dragging him screaming and kicking all the way down from Otogakure.
If it was just a matter of strength, then Naruto would get stronger and kick his ass. He wasn’t going to lay down and accept defeat. And getting strong enough to get Sasuke back would also be a way to show his village that he wasn’t a demon.
And… and he would make Sakura happy, too.
‘More lies, more fake reassurance,’a part of his mind whispered in his ear. He did not listen. He was becoming good at ignoring this part of him, knowing it was just the depressed and negative part of him.
Crimson eyes flickered before his closed eyes.
Itachi.
That was another problem, and a big one.
The older Uchiha was strong, so strong that he was a threat for Tsunade as well, no matter her own strength. And he was after him. Naruto knew, despite his usual bragging around, that he was not strong enough to stop the raven haired from taking him if it came down to that.
They wanted Kyuubi.
Naruto sighed. He knew nothing of Itachi. He had always rushed in battles without knowing, and like Sakura once said, his attitude would one day cause his death. He wanted to live on and keep the Akatsuki away from Kyuubi, and once again that meant he had to get stronger.
It all came down to that, right?
But he was also curious. Itachi had appeared insensitive, emotionless. Completely opposite to Sasuke. And Naruto wanted to know what had brought all of this on.
There was a famous saying… ‘know your enemy’, or something like that. And Kakashi had stated once, ‘keep your friends close, but keep your enemies even closer’. Naruto was sure that didn’t mean making friends with them, but sure it meant he had to get to know them.
If he put his mind into knowing everything about Itachi, he would surely learn what were his weaknesses, too.
That would make him understand what to do to win against the elder Uchiha, and maybe even understand why Itachi had killed his family, leaving the village, only to join an organization that wanted to gain the power of the demons.
In a way, Itachi was the primary cause for everything, even Sasuke’s betrayal.
Naruto’s eyes flashed in anger. He had his faults, too, for not being able to stop Sasuke when they had fought, but Itachi was the root of this problem, and although he couldn’t come to hate the older man, at least he could be angry at him.
He would get strong enough to get his answers from that man!
“That’s what I have to do! Just wait for me, Uchiha Itachi!”
Naruto smirked, feeling some of his old self come back. It made him feel better. It was another promise he would have to keep.
He had to turn this fear he felt for Itachi into something different, or he would continue freezing up again and again. Yes, Itachi scared him, because he could not understand him at all, and he was strong and ruthless.
He had promised Sakura that he would take Sasuke back.
That was his promise, and he told her it was a lifelong promise. If he trained enough to be strong, and started studying Itachi –the only one of his enemies he could get information about, after all– in the end he would be able to become stronger than him and Orochimaru.
Sasuke wanted Itachi’s death. That’s why he went for Orochimaru’s power.
It was all about the older Uchiha.
‘I will stop playing stupid. This is not a game’he thought. ‘No more fooling around’.
Besides… after taking Sasuke back, maybe he could travel a bit around. Not forever, of course, but he could be like Ero–sennin, and maybe learn ways to make the village understand.
He stared down again. The village was still there, still living, without him. It did not need him at all. But Naruto loved this village. He had no reasons to, but he loved it. Not the people who hated him, but he loved the place. He loved it for Sandaime, and even Yondaime, his hero (no matter if he’d placed Kyuubi inside him). And he loved it because of Tsunade, Jiraiya, Iruka–sensei, and Kakashi–sensei, and his friends, and…
There were people he wanted to protect there, no matter what.
As long as there was even one single person in there who cared for him, Naruto would always protect this place, and love it with all of his heart, because that was his house.
He would never leave forever, and he would die as one of Konoha’s shinobi. He would serve the village in his own way, and he would stay to protect.
Because if so many people died to protect the village… Yondaime, Sandaime… and the many shinobi whose names were on the stone Kakashi–sensei had showed him… it meant the village was worth it.
Right now, there was only one thing he could do, then… train, get strong, and learn to understand.

…–…–…–…–…–…–…

Cepheus:thank you for reading this new chapter! Please don’t forget to drop me a review, you know I love them!
Naruto needed some time with himself to think quietly. They were not leaving him alone, but he needed to sort things out after his breaking down from last chapter. The moment he was left alone, he finally had enough time to think things through.
I hope this chapter didn’t feel too much like a filler, because all my chapters are needed, if only for small details you’ve got to pick up… :D
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Winter Release