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Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy	By : rachmax007 Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1031 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
Disclaimer: I don�t own Naruto nor Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy. Poor me.

~*~

A/N: Sorry for the lateness� The infamous Writer�s Block�
fell from the sky and landed exactly on me� And it�s probably because of the
huge X mark at the back of my shirt that faced the sky when I tripped� (Chibi shows everyone her poor bandaged self.)
Couldn�t get out from under it for so long� And my thesis is eating my soul!!! But
enough of that� Let�s get it on!

P.S.: To Rock Lee, I love you (not that way, though)� so I�m
sorry� I�ve been a meanie to you� (Chibi
cries like whoaz�) But I�m not gonna apologize to Sasuke, so there. (Chibi sticks tongue out at a glaring
Sasuke)

~*~

Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy

~*~

Chapter 4: The Big Night

~*~

�Kukukuku�� Orochimaru chuckled creepily.

The gay pedophile (collecting young pretty boys and
young girls who look like young pretty boys practically proves this point) was
feeling giddy, being so close to his goal� After all, it would only be a matter
of time before he got the chance to abduct his choice for a vessel. An opening
would surely appear, sooner or later� At least, that�s what he thought.

Hah, but we all know better; since we were enlightened by
the all-knowing Itachi back in the second chapter of this fanfic.

Cough.

Anyway�

�Kabuto,� he called.

His loyal servant immediately snapped to attention.

�You know what to do.�

With that, he did what all evil antagonists trying to
accomplish some debauched plan did: he left his devoted subordinate to do all
the work while he went back to his lair to laugh evilly. And probably to touch
up on the makeup. Such villains tend to be vain. Really. I mean, seriously,
aren�t they all?

Kabuto, being the loyal dog that he was, summoned a scroll
that contained his master�s favorite plans. He cricked a kink in his neck
before opening the said scroll. It would take a lot of work to accomplish the
task.

~*~

Neji sat back and took a moment to admire his handy work. He
smirked to himself. It would be safe to say that he was quite proud of it. It
wasn�t perfect (and as we all know, nothing really was) but considering what he
had to start with, it was a freaking masterpiece.

Well�.

Except for the clothes. Even if he already did wonders on
their client, the expanse of tight green spandex did more than just ruin the
image. It. Just. Won�t. Work. Period.

Hmmm� Maybe I should
have asked Chi-san to give me the purchased items before we set out for the
hospital�

�Lee, we�re going to find Chi-san so��

�You can change into your new clothes.�

Neji gritted his teeth in frustration. It was already
established that the man had noteworthy skills (he didn�t even sense him, and
he was an Anbu captain!); but did he have to cut off every sentence he makes so
rudely?

As if hearing his thoughts, Chi-san turned to him and
apologized for his rudeness.

Goddammit! There he
goes again! How the hell is he doing it?

Giving him a condescending I-know-something-you-don�t smirk, the other nin handed the shopping
bags to the fuming Hyuuga.

Knowing that he will not get answers (not that he�ll ask),
Neji calmed himself and addressed his former teammate.

�You should change into these, but leave the shoes for
later. They might get ruined on our way back.�

Rock Lee nodded and went to the hospital�s nearest restroom.

Chi-san turned to Neji, �I shall be taking my leave now. It
seems I am needed elsewhere.�

With that, he disappeared in a wisp of smoke.

Neji set off after Lee, having nothing else to do at the
moment.

~*~

�So Temee, care to tell me how you got yourself drenched
with,� he sniffed, �sea water on this hot summer day in Fire Country?�

Sasuke scowled at his grinning lover and stifled a sneeze.
�Rock Lee�s tsunami.� As always, concise and efficient.

Realization dawned on Naruto. �Oh�� His grin stretched
wider. �I wonder if he would teach me those freaky background jutsus of his�
Oddly enough, Lee can�t use chakra, right? I wonder how he pulls them off��

�Don�t even think about it, Dobe.�

�But think of all the possibilities!!! Of all the pranks
begging to be planned and executed!!!� The blond waved his arms around wildly.

Sasuke�s skin turned a shade paler. He was fated never to
forget that one time Naruto pranked him so bad he had nightmares about it for a
month� and more�

~*~

Sasuke never was a morning person, even if he did wake up at
four a.m. everyday. However, over the
years, mornings had become more bearable; especially since the first thing he
would see would either be his Dobe�s smile or same Dobe�s cutely innocent
sleeping form, depending on who woke up first.

Today was like any other. Sasuke stirred in his sleep; and
no, he wasn�t making juice nor was he making coffee�that would be an amazing
feat, even for him (he didn�t even know how to sleepwalk). He snuggled closer
to the warmth beside him, opening his eyes slowly as his lover greeted him.

�Ohayo, Temee.�

There he was: expecting the warm, handsome smile he had been
accustomed to� But instead came face to face with a pair of impossibly round
eyes, a pair of caterpillar eyebrows and a set of abnormally white teeth. He
froze. He couldn�t have been ready for such an assault to his fragile psyche.

�What�s wrong?� the thing
asked him.

He was too morbidly transfixed at the sight of those thick
eyebrows crawling on the face of who was supposed to be Naruto to react
properly.

�I swear those things really
are alive�� was the only thought his brain processed at the moment.

And then it suddenly clicked.

He was in bed.
Check.

He just woke up.
Check.

In the arms of Rock
Lee. Check.

��

He promptly fainted.

�SASUKE!�

The Uchiha woke up, breathing hard, hand swiping off the
cold sweat from his brow.

�It�s just a nightmare
it�s just a nightmare it�s just a nightmare�� was the mantra in his head.

�It�s nothing� It�s just a nightmare, Dobe.�

He felt Naruto move closer. He turned his head to regard his
lover, and met a sight so horrifying that both his mind and body shut down and
entered a catatonic state.

It was a half-naked Rock Lee, whose face and puckered lips were
inches away from his.

The last thing he saw was the wiggling of the colossal
eyebrows before he succumbed to the darkness once again.

~*~

Sasuke shuddered at the unwanted memories. Tsunade had to make
check-ups on him THRICE DAILY, extending even after the nightmares disappeared
(and recently the check-ups had been reduced
to four times a week). Yes, it was that bad.

The blond had been worried sick that he�d gone overboard on
his prank: that he had probably killed off his lover�s mind and scarred him for
life, rendering him immobile and useless, thereby successfully ending the
Uchiha�s career.

However, the number one prankster would be damned not to be
proud of incapacitating a ninja of Sasuke�s caliber with just a minor genjutsu
paired up with the most basic of henges performed twice over. The shock value
more than made up for the simplicity of the said techniques. It would be too
startling for one to notice the barely-there genjutsu, much less cancel it. It
was pure and unadulterated genius.

Now that Sasuke really thought about it, that prank should
be listed as a high-ranking kinjutsu: anybody would crumble under that
psychological attack. It would strike fear in the hearts of many, and could be
used as a means of torture�I mean, coaxing information out of the most
uncooperative enemy nin. The Mangekyou Sharingan would probably be the only
thing worse� or would it? After that experience, he wasn�t sure anymore. He
admired Naruto�s sheer brilliance, but let�s just say that he would�ve appreciated
it better if he hadn�t been the one on the receiving end.

Naruto, just now noticing his partner�s pallid face, creased
his brows worriedly.

�I was just joking, Sasuke. I won�t do that ever again,� he
said, sounding remorseful. He had correctly guessed where the other�s thoughts
were going. �At least, not to you�� he added with a grin.

�I know.�

Taking deep calming breaths, Sasuke slowly regained his
color, though it wasn�t that significant since he didn�t have much to begin
with. He squeezed the hand he didn�t realize he was holding.

Naruto smiled tentatively. �I��

A loud crash interrupted the blond. The lovers looked at
each other.

Well.

That ruined the moment.

~*~

Kabuto cursed.

He accidentally knocked over his coffee, causing the liquid
to stain a scroll of sealing. When he saw exactly which scroll was ruined, he
only had time to widen his eyes and roll out of the way as a huge-ass pillar
came out tilted instead of shooting straight up. And naturally, it didn�t stay
tilted for long.

When the dust cleared up, Kabuto assessed the damages and
was relieved to find that nothing else was amiss. A few hand seals later, the
pillar was where it was supposed to be. He smiled at his work. He was finally
done! He turned to his side, expecting his master to appear at that very
moment.

�How would he know
that?� the readers might ask.

And I would have to say, �No,
Kabuto is not gonna be all-knowing. No, Itachi�s not being recasted into
another role. No, we�re not replacing him,� and �No, Kabuto and Orochimaru do not have telepathic powers.�

It was simple, really. There was a gay-sounding �poof� (how
a poof can sound gay, only Itachi would know) and purple smoke to boot (Get your custom-colored chakra smoke at
Chibi-onna�s Specialty Shop! 10 percent discount until the end of this year! Shop
now! Chibi-onna�s Specialty Shop: we sell anything and everything. You�ll be
surprised.). And so Orochimaru, the Snake Sannin made his appearance, in
all his glory� and freshly-applied makeup (which is, of course, under all that
henge).

�Kukukuku� Perfect, Kabuto��

Kabuto just smiled and accepted the usual praise. He
couldn�t afford to be less than perfect with such a master, after all.

Orochimaru looked around him approvingly. The interior
design was just flawless, divine and intricate!!! It was the mother of all
designs! It was the masterpiece from which masterpieces were made of! It was
the epitome of beauty, the prelude to creation, a gift from the gods! It was�

��shit?�

Orochimaru turned to the newcomer.

�I beg your pardon?� Surely, he must have heard wrong.

Annoyed at the ruined moment with his lover, Naruto repeated
irately, �I said, what the fuck is this shit!�

Orochimaru narrowed his eyes at the blond.

He did not just say
that.

�You call this crap interior design?�

He did NOT just say that.

�Seriously, I hired you because I trust Iruka-sensei, but I
never thought you�d be this bad! I mean, who do you think you are, Orochimaru
or something?�

�YES I DO, YOU
INSUFFERABLE BRAT!!!!�

Orochimaru finally snapped and dropped the illusion,
revealing narrowed eyes and several veins popping out on his forehead.

Kabuto gasped and quickly held up a mirror to his master.
Horrified at his ghastly appearance, the Snake Sannin immediately schooled his
expression to that of elegant annoyance (i.e. without the vein pops). Surely,
he practiced in front of the mirror everyday for him to acquire such mastery
over the art of controlling one�s facial muscles to that degree.

�I�ll have you know, brat, that this crap you speak of�� he
gestured to the magnificent purple pillars with golden snakes spiraling
upwards, the rows of shelves filled with an assortment of bottled organs soaked
in formalin, the cold damp rocks that encased the living room and the lavish
gay-looking throne in the middle of it all.

��is one of the best in the world! Nothing can even compare
to the stark beauty it possesses! The excellent ambiance! The��

�It�s a copy of one of your disgusting laboratories,� Naruto
cut him off, �and as such, it�s ugly. Got it, Snake-face? UGLY. Who would want creepy body parts in their living room? It�s
not even Halloween! Honestly, you are not fit to design. Amateur.� The blond
sneered at the flabbergasted Orochimaru who was too affronted to even make a
comeback.

Perhaps to save face, the insulted gay pedophile did the
facial control thing again, and by the looks of it, I only have one advice to
the children of the world: �Run! Run like the wind!� He turned his gaze on the
Uchiha and in a sickeningly flirtatious voice, he addressed Sasuke.

�I think it�s high time that you return to Oto with me,
Sssasssssuke-kun�� he licked his lips with that obscenely long tongue.

�Ewwww�.� Naruto said, disgustedly swiping off the spittle
sprayed on him by the Snake Sannin from the steady stream of �s�s from Sasuke�s
name.

Wow. Such a stunning sentence sprinkled with alliteration�

Okay, stopping now.

Moving on�

�You do realize that I came back here of my own accord,
don�t you? I have no intention of going back there. Especially now.� He glanced
at his lover conveying his true feelings through his eyes.

Eternally the spectator for this scene, Kabuto was unable to
do anything but gag and watch as an anthill sprouted in the living room, the
little insects heading straight for the couple. Talk about being sickeningly
sweet. Then, as if it were an automatic action, he reached for a can of bug
spray and committed mass murder.

Elsewhere, the Aburame clan grieved the loss of their creepy
crawly friends.

�There�s your answer,� Naruto said, looking smug while
ignoring Kabuto�s fumigation, �Just get the fuck out of here and never come
back, Hebi-temee! Unless you wanna die that badly�� he took a fighting stance.

Insulted beyond belief, Orochimaru was just about to summon
snakes when he suddenly found himself tied to a cross in a blood red world. His
eyes widened. It could only mean that�

�For the next 345 minutes, you will be tied up there while I
draw ridiculous things on your face using a kunai.�

�NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!�

Orochimaru collapsed just as Kabuto finished his bug-killing
spree.

�Orochimaru-sama!� he caught the Sannin. He faced the others. �This isn�t over,� he read from one of the idiot boards. Honestly, for all his smarts, Kabuto
couldn�t even memorize all of his lines. He then promptly used shunshin to get
away.

Everyone else blinked. �What just happened?�

Itachi turned to the others, �I think he was having a
migraine.�

The others were still puzzled, but they wouldn�t look a gift
horse in the mouth. It was fortunate that they didn�t have to fight (destroying
Lee�s home along the way), and didn�t question the shady explanation of the
henge-d Uchiha.

Naruto locked eyes with Itachi, silently thanking him.
Itachi just smirked and barely noticeably nodded back.

�Oh no!!!! What do we do with the interior design? We can�t
leave it looking like this!!! And the deadline is fast approaching!� Naruto was
frantic with worry.

Knowing how close the blond was to running around like a
headless chicken, Itachi spoke up, �There�s no need to worry. I already made
back-up plans. We only have to clean up this mess,� he gestured to the gruesome
purple monstrosity.

The ninjas finished fast, with the aide of a few dozen kage
bunshin. Curious, everyone (yes, everyone:
including the kage bunshin) asked Chi-san what the back-up plan was. He
just smirked and turned around, gesturing for them to follow. He led them to
the backyard.

The ninjas gasped at the sight. The once barren training
ground now flourished with freshly cut Bermuda grass, the once solitary tree
now accompanied by another, forming an alcove in one corner of the yard. Under
the touching branches of the trees was a small table covered with a plain white
table cloth. On it, dinner plates, wine glasses and utensils set for two, and a
translucent bowl of water in the middle with soft sakura petals and little pink
flower-shaped candles floating about.

�Wow�� Naruto breathed, �This is just� wow��

Itachi scoffed. As if he would be capable of doing anything
less than perfect.

�That�s not all, though,� Itachi said, unable to restrain
himself, �Since the date was set for dinner, I put up some lights up in the
trees. Wait until after sunset so we can see it.�

And so they waited for the sun to set. It was a tad boring,
though. But when it finally did, Itachi and flipped a switch.

Small bulbs of different colors came to life, spread under
the canopy of leaves. Looking up, it would be as if you were staring up into a
star-filled sky. It was utterly romantic. Itachi proceeded to light the candles
on the centerpiece. He then turned to the stunned blond army and his brother.

�And to add to the ambiance, I have these.� Itachi held up a
green glowing bottle.

Everyone was puzzled for a moment. Was that alien blood or
something?

Knowing what the others were thinking, Itachi almost
face-faulted.

�No, it�s not alien blood. I�ll be releasing these fireflies
when the time is right.�

Dispelling the crowd of kage bunshin, Naruto came over and
patted Itachi on the shoulder.

�It seems I made the right choice in recruiting you.� He
grinned.

�Hn.�

�Anyway, I�ll go pick Sakura up. She should be ready by now.
Temee, stay here with, uh, Chi-san and wait for Neji and Lee. I�ll be back in a
few.� And off he went.

~*~

Haruno Sakura stared at herself in the mirror as she
finished applying some lip gloss.

�So, are you ready yet?� a voice came from her left, in the
direction of her now open window.

�Naruto, you do know what doors are for, right?� She raised
an elegant pink brow.

Naruto crossed his arms in front of him and pouted.

�But that�s so uncool, Sakura-chan! You�re a kunoichi! You
should know how it feels!!�

Sakura rolled her eyes, but smiled anyway. The annoying dobe
from their academy days was now a great ninja, one of the best in the world.
And probably the next Hokage at that. He was a nice person, an amazing friend.
She was happy that she has put the past behind her.

She used to resent him on colossal levels, back when the
news of him getting together with Sasuke was fresh out of the gossip hotlines
(how else would she and Ino be updated on everything?). She had ample reason
to: after all, she�s loved the avenger all her life. Well, at least she thought
so. But now that she�s had time to deal with it, she realized that a
relationship between the broody Uchiha and herself would never work. Besides,
the idea of producing brooding chibis and little stalkers with him made her
cringe. Besides, the raven-head was gay. She never had a chance to begin with,
unless of course she�s been hiding a dick all along. And now that she�s stopped
stalking him, Sasuke had been more amicable. It was nice to have them both as
best friends, especially after everything that�s happened.

With regards to love life, for her it was non-existent. She
immersed herself in her work, doing shifts at the hospital, training with
Tsunade, going to missions, etc. Well, Lee always asked her out, but for the
life of her, she just couldn�t say yes. She didn�t want to be a judgmental
bitch, and she knows that Lee�s a good guy who knew how to treat a girl right,
but she was just really grossly reminded of Maito Gai whenever she saw the
look-alike. She cringed at the thought. It was just too freaky.

�So, who�s my blind date?� she asked.

The blond smirked conspiringly. �That�s for me to know and
for you to find out, sweetheart.� He winked, blindfolding her afterwards

�Naruto, you idiot! How am I supposed to get there�whoa!!!�

Okay, stupid question. There�s always shunshin, after all.

Finally, the blindfold was removed. She slowly opened her
eyes.

A charming smile. An attractive face.

�Hello, Sakura-san.�

~*~

A/N: Ooh, a cliffie! Chibi
smirks evilly. Yeah. That aside, I�m sorry for not updating for a long
time� Make that a VERY long time. My thesis is eating my soul. Please wish me
luck, my defense is on the first week of March. I really wanna graduate on time.
In any case, I hope this chapter made you happy! I love you all. Chibi hugs everyone.

~*~

Replies:

Reikoish: Awww�. I love you� Chibi hugs Reikoish. I�m so sorry I made you wait for so long� I
hope you liked this chapter~!

Acacia: Thank you~! ^__^

Whispers in the Wind: Chibi
takes the Jolt cola and chocolate. Heehee. Thanks~! I�m sorry for taking
too long to update.. But chapter 4 is here now, so� Forgive me? Chibi makes puppy dog eyes.

EternalEmbrace: I�m sorry to disappoint you, but that part
is going to be in the next chapter� Waahhh� I�m sorry for making you wait� TT__TT Thanks for reviewing, though.
^__^

Inuzuka: Thank you~! Chibi
glomps Inuzuka. I hope you also liked this chapter. ^__^

baddaytoday: Thank you for your insights.. ^__^ I shall keep
them in mind. But yeah. Itachi�s reason will come out way later in the story. I
hope you liked this chapter! ^__^

FlameoftheNight: Drum
roll. I HAVE FINALLY UPDATED!!! I�m sorry for making you wait.. TT___TT I
hope you enjoyed the chapter.. ^__^
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Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy