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Love Me When I'm Gone	By : KittenCobra Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1971 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

Chapter List
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39. New Sensei
When I returned home to my apartment that evening I knew Gaara, Temari and Kankuro were already waiting for me. I was terrified that my joy and distress were written on my face, but they seemed to assume that the oddity of my mood was related to Gaara and I’s renewed relationship and the upcoming wedding negotiations. Gaara had already explained his plan to the both of them, as well as the terms he was hoping to work into the contract. They are both excited about the plan, and are looking forward to my permanent move back to Suna.
Temari and Kankuro left after dinner with a sand clone of Gaara. He wants to keep up appearances within the village until the wedding is over. Most of the people within the village know nothing of our history or current relationship. He is frustrated that I will have to stay in Konoha longer, and that he will have to return to Suna in the interim to deal with his responsibilities as Kazekage and talk his own council into agreeing to the terms. He wants to take me home now, but it would cause too much trouble in the negotiations.
I, on the other hand, am happy that I will have some time to myself before the wedding. My brain keeps twisting and turning around the impossibility of what I am going to attempt – to be Gaara’s wife and lover while preventing him from realizing that I am more and more pregnant by the day. I look at him now, standing in front of my dresser in nothing but his black pants. His face is tired, but the circles around his eyes seem a little lighter. His wild red hair is as sexy as ever, and his body is beautiful. Just looking at him makes me want his arms around me, and his breathing mingled with my own.
I have my mental wall firmly in place, and have since I returned to the apartment. I can’t risk him feeling the turmoil inside me. Watching him move, I can’t help but think of our baby. I had lost all hope for a child, but I realize that some part of me must have known; at least the small part of my brain driving my dreams. I remember the beautiful little boy at the base of the tree in my dream, and my heart breaks at the idea of Gaara pulling me away from him. My mind is screaming at me to get away from him – as quickly as possible; but something instinctual is screaming for me to stay.
After what I have seen in Gaara’s heart, I don’t have to question what his reaction would be to the news. He would try to kill our child, to finish what my body started. He would see it as a threat to me, and would risk nothing that could bring me harm. However, if I am successful in preventing the discovery of my secret… Gaara would protect me like no one else on this Earth. I would have need to fear nothing other than my lover himself. A large part of me wants his company selfishly. I am going to die soon.
How long do I have left now? I try to think about how long it’s already been. ... 6 more months now? Maybe less?
I want to cry again with how little time I have had with him. My soul feels like it’s tearing from my chest at the realization of how badly this will hurt him. He will have to live on after I am gone. He will feel as if my death was his fault. I hope with every fiber of my being that he can learn to love our child, despite its entrance into this world. Meanwhile, I want to spend every moment I can with Gaara. I realize I will not be able to keep up the charade forever… but I want every kiss, every touch, every word and thought I can soak in from him while he still loves me. I do not want to waste the precious time I have left.
“What’s wrong?” Gaara asks, and I realize I am staring at him with tears in my eyes. “What are you thinking about?”
“I… I am just thinking about how much I love you,” I answer him as honestly as I can. “I feel like we’ve had so much time stolen from us.”
He walks over to me, and turns me to face the mirror; he stands behind me with his head on my shoulder and his hand traces the kanji on my chest as he looks into my eyes. His eyes are worried, but I keep the wall between us.
“Why are you keeping me out?” he asks. “Are you truly unhappy about marrying me?”
“No, of course not,” I elbow him in the ribs lightly. “Becoming your wife will be one of the happiest moments of my life, Gaara. It’s more than I would have dreamed possible. I’m just worrying. You know how I get.”
“I want to share it with you.” He kisses my temple, begging me to take the wall down with his jade eyes.
“I am tired baby,” I dodge his request. “Last night was… amazing. But it took a lot of effort. I had to be careful, because I could hurt you that way. I just need to rest for a little while.” I smile to reassure him and let some of the heat stirring in my belly flow into my eyes.
He seems to accept my excuse and a sly smirk crosses his lips. “Rest your mind tonight,” he chuckles darkly, “but I want the rest of you.”
He picks me up and tosses me down onto the bed and I can’t help but giggle as he comes over me and starts kissing his way down my body. He starts to suckle on my skin and I playfully slap the back of his head. He looks up at me, slightly confused.
“If you don’t stop leaving all your little marks on me,” I chide him, “every citizen of Konoha is going to think I’m fooling around with someone instead of focusing on my upcoming commitment to the Kazekage of Suna.”
-------------------------------------------
I can’t stop fidgeting with my hands in my lap. Gaara left to return to Suna two days ago. He needs to negotiate details on the wedding proposal with Suna’s council, and convince them that this was all really their own idea. He can’t do that from here and I have to stay for now. I know that Tsunade spoke with Kakashi yesterday, and I have been expecting him for over an hour.
Where the hell is he?! I am much too nervous to have to sit here like this.
I reach my mind out into the village looking for him. I find him… and I want to scream. He’s strolling casually through the street towards my apartment. He’s been visiting an old memorial for the dead and composing his thoughts all this time.
You’d better hurry your ass up! I shout into his mind and he nearly jumps out of his skin, darting his eyes around the street. Don’t keep me waiting any longer, or you’ll see just how impatient I can be! My temper seems to be shorter with each passing day.
I pull back my mind from him and stomp into the kitchen to make some tea to try and soothe my nerves. A few minutes later he walks into my apartment and he is eyeing me warily. After a brief minute he forces himself to relax.
“Good morning Mizuke,” he states with a crinkle-eyed smile. Not that I could see his smile beneath the mask he continuously wears. “I’m sorry I’m so late. I was…”
“Visiting the memorial for those you’ve lost. I know. I read minds remember.”
“Ah, yes… there is that.” He is unruffled by being found out. “Well then, you also know why I was there.”
“Yes,” I acknowledge. “You’re worried… and trying to decide what you think.”
“It’s a very complicated situation, Mizuke.” He stares me down, trying to get me to take him seriously. “This is not a decision you should rush into.”
I can’t help but burst into a fit of slightly hysterical laughter at the ridiculous nature of his statement.
“I haven’t rushed into anything Kakashi,” I roll my eyes at him, “…except perhaps sleeping with Gaara in the first place! If anything this is the exact opposite. If I had known that I still carried this baby I would have done things much differently.”
“How so?” he asks, desperately curious.
“Well, for one thing I would have taken better care of myself. Truly I should thank you for forcing me to realize I needed to keep living after he left.” I can feel pride warring with guilt in his mind over the realization that the baby would likely not have survived if I had pushed my body any further. “Secondly… I probably wouldn’t have accepted his love again like I have. I would have left.”
This stuns Kakashi and he sits down in one of the kitchen chairs. “Why? Don’t you love him?”
“Of course I love him!” I screech… my temper getting the best of me. “I love him more than anything… except our baby. I am going to die when I deliver this baby, Kakashi! I would have left to spare him more pain. Perhaps if I had… he could eventually love our child and forgive it for being mine, and for what still has to happen. I would rather he hate me, than to cause him this much more pain. But it’s too late for that now. I’ve let him see too much. He has literally felt the depth of my love for him. If I try to run now, he would follow me. If I tried to claim I didn’t love him, he would see through my lie in a minute. He would learn my secret too soon. I can battle him if I have to… but I do not have the strength for a war. Not when I have to survive long enough to bring my baby into the world.”
“Why are you so sure you shouldn’t tell him?” Kakashi does not believe Gaara would actively try to kill the baby before its birth.
“You’re wrong Kakashi,” I whisper as a tear rolls down my cheek. “He thinks of the baby from time to time. He knows that I know his thoughts, but we don’t discuss it. It has always been too painful, and I have no right to criticize his personal thoughts. It hurts him that the baby died… but it’s the baby itself, not the idea of the baby. The idea of the baby terrifies him. He would do anything to keep me safe. That is where he and I differ. No cost is too high for me to pay for the life of this child. For him, no cost is too high to pay for mine. He would prefer that I hate him forever than to watch my life be cut short.”
Kakashi’s face is the blank mask that Gaara frequently wears, but his insides are roiling at the pain in my situation. He desperately wants to find a magical solution but can find none.
“Why are you so willing to give up your life now?” he asks. “You have fought so hard to live.”
“I don’t see it as giving up,” I try to explain. “This is just another fight. This is the most important one of my life. I cannot explain to you what it felt like when I believed the baby was gone. I would have sold my soul to bring him back… and now… I get another chance. I have this picture of him in my head – a beautiful little boy with red hair and green eyes, just like Gaara.
“He can’t protect himself, Kakashi.” My voice begins to break. “He needs me to keep him safe… to protect him while he grows. He needs a mother that loves him… and if it requires my life then so be it. I want to live more than anything in this world. I want to hold my little one in my arms and shower him with love. I want Gaara to love him, and for him to be a father like he deserves… Gaara would be an amazing father, despite his own fears about it. But all of that is too much to ask and I already have so much more than I should have. The baby’s life will be enough.”
“And you’re sure staying with Gaara is the best thing?” he asks. “I’ve been trying all morning to convince myself that you can pull something like this off… but honestly I’m not sure you can. Fooling a stranger is one thing. Fooling your lover is entirely different.”
“But not impossible,” I insist. “You have no idea what I’m capable of. Frankly… neither do I.”
“Well then,” he sighs, letting the stress slide off of him into a completely separate and contained portion of his mind. “Let’s see what you can do.”
“How did you…” I mumble, stepping closer to him and staring into his eyes. “How did you do that?” I’m talking to myself more than him, because I’m sure he has no idea what he just did.
He stares at me in confusion. “What did I do?”
“You just…” I try to find the words. “You just moved everything… all of it. Everything you were feeling just got stuffed into a little compartment in your mind. It no longer poisoned everything else.”
“I’m not sure,” he tries to understand what I mean, and how he did whatever it was. “It’s what I always do with a problem I can’t solve. I set it aside to deal with another day.”
My mind starts racing at the idea of how his mind works and the possibilities it opens up for me. “Kakashi, you’re brilliant!”
“Why… thank you.” He smiles his crinkly-eyed smile again, still confused. “Why?”
“I know how to make this work! It will be difficult… but if I can manage to learn to do what you just did all the time,” I feel tears of hope in my eyes. “I think I can truly make this work!” I am practically jumping up and down with glee.
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Love Me When I'm Gone

39. New Sensei