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Break to Breathe	By : Okami-Rayne Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male > Shikamaru/Neji Views: 1959 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: NARUTO and its respective characters were created and are owned by Masashi Kishimoto. No copyright infringement intended. I make no money from this story.

Chapter List
- 37
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- 39
BREAK TO BREATHE

by Okami Rayne

Chapter Thirty Eight

[Dedicated to Shadowed Night Sky]

Release ripped the cry out of him.
Something hoarse and shaking and too much to hold…
He arched, crashed into Shikamaru's thrust and broke.
The cage of suffocation ruptured in his chest…and something flew out of him – maybe his soul. Whatever it was, for a moment he was beyond his body…beyond flesh and bone and breath...he didn't need to find the air...he was already drifting on it...like coasting on a warm wind...lifting higher...free...
It had never felt this incredible…this intense...
But the ecstasy was ephemeral…
Neji felt the tug and whoosh of air slamming back into his lungs.
The fall back to reality left his head spinning, his body shaking.
He dropped back onto the furs, the arch of his spine collapsing along with something else inside him. The pleasure washed away and the pain came fast, a torrent of sadness; pressing up against the blocks walling it in, seeping through the cracks.
It was followed by warmth pressing down on him, a hand dragging along his thigh and another under his back, higher along his spine.
He felt a wet burn deep inside him.
Breath rolled across his throat, then slowly fed between his lips, smoky and stirring.
Shikamaru…
Neji slanted his mouth against the shadow-nin's, pulling in Shikamaru's breath like a familiar drug, holding it deep in his lungs before exhaling in a shiver. He felt scattered, pulled open and naked in more ways than he thought he ever could be.
It was a feeling of exposure he had no idea what to do with…and the emotion crawling around beneath the surface, leaking out of the breaks inside him was more terrifying and threatening than anything he'd ever had to fight against.
Stop…
He gripped Shikamaru's arms, impressing marks on the skin.
It was instinctive to fight…to keep fighting…he'd never known how to stay down...not when he was a four year old child screaming in pain…not when he was a Genin on the brink of death…not even as a Jōnin so close to his limit it was easier to crawl…he'd gotten back up every time…but this time, if he stayed down, he wasn't sure he'd want to get back up again. And that would leave him defenceless and pathless with only these…feelings…
I can't…Gods…this will cost me everything…
The brush of lips against his brow caused his eyes to slip open half-way.
From beneath the fringe of dark, heavy lashes he caught the deep, burnished glow of Shikamaru's irises. The intensity in them was unmatched by any look he'd ever received from the Nara. Not even the cool slash of moonlight across the shadow-nin's face could steal the warmth from his eyes.
It was a look that wiped away all pretences.
It scared the hell out of Neji.
And for a ninja that seldom felt fear, it held him stunned.
He swallowed hard, shielding his gaze as he tried to scrape back some control over everything running rampant inside him. His pulse was no exception and it fluttered wildly at his throat, drawing Shikamaru's mouth there.
Neji felt the light graze of teeth and the soft pull of suction.
He tightened his grip at Shikamaru's arms, hard enough to cause the biceps to flex against the discomfort.
Those teeth bit down a little harder at his throat.
For a moment, Neji almost tilted his head back to bear his throat completely.
No…
He raised a shaking hand, gripped Shikamaru's nape and dug his fingers in hard.
The flash of pain caused Shikamaru to jerk his shoulders, drawing back sharply to shake off the grip. His dark eyes flickered in confusion, head cocked to one side.
It was all the distraction Neji needed.
With his leg still locked around Shikamaru, he planted his other foot and tugged hard, rolling them over until he loomed above the Nara. He ignored the awkward fact that they were still fused intimately and pinned Shikamaru by the throat.
Shikamaru tensed up, going still instantly.
Neji panted, his long mane falling either side of them, curtaining them from the slots of moonlight as he glared down through fierce eyes.
Shikamaru stared back, lips parted around the pants shaking out of him.
Neji paused, held captivated, taking in the vision of the Nara beneath him.
Gods burning but Shikamaru was the raw definition of carnal enticement. His lean muscles, contracted in tension, carved out every masculine contour of his body, made all the more arousing by the sheen glistening across his skin.
Who else had seen him this way?
Alive and enflamed and intense.
Neji wanted to erase previous lover's touches…he wanted to mark, master and maraud every part of Shikamaru.
God what am I thinking?
It was insane; it could even be dangerous if he let that dominance take over.
He'd never been driven to claim anything or anyone in such an intense way; it was a consuming kind of heat. Maybe it was about taking back what he'd given up. What the hell had he given up? He didn't know anymore. He felt like he was in pieces. Shikamaru was breaking him down without a weapon…and if Neji wasn't fighting back…wasn't attacking…he didn't know what the hell to do instead…
What have you done to me…?
Neji frowned, shaking as he stared down into the deep, infinite burn of Shikamaru's eyes.
Gods…why do I need you to keep doing it?
The need was breaking him, but the sadness would surely drown him. He could take being torn up, but right now he couldn't let himself bleed for it. He tightened his grip marginally around Shikamaru's throat, just enough to feel the pulse press against his fingertips as he stroked his other hand across the Nara's chest, above the pounding heart.
His thumb grazed across a nipple and he watched the shadow-nin shiver.
He felt Shikamaru twitch inside him. That wet burn began to throb now that the flesh which had pierced him was filling him again. He clenched around the hardening arousal, feeling it swell stiffly inside him.
"Shit…" Shikamaru hissed, his hands sliding to Neji's hips. "Stop…"
Neji reached for Shikamaru's hands, gripping his wrists. However, the muscles in the shadow-nin's stomach tightened and flexed as Shikamaru levered himself up without using his hands.
"Neji…wait…"
Ignoring the words, Neji shoved forward, knocking Shikamaru onto his back to pin one wrist above the Chūnin's head, the other at shoulder height. The incarceration provoked a reflexive buck of Shikamaru's hips, but it only served to thrust him deeper into Neji.
Both ninja gasped raggedly.
Shikamaru jerked a wrist free, catching Neji off guard.
That hand snapped to Neji's hip, gripping hard as Shikamaru arched, driving deep. It knocked the breath from Neji's lungs, the angle striking that place that turned his blood to white fire.
Yes...tear me up...
Resurgent need pooled inside of the Hyūga, filling him as powerfully as Shikamaru's hard flesh. He locked his thighs, ignoring the shake in his limbs, the lack of control crawling through him, reckless and hot and...
Not enough…
Neji ground down, stiffening as his expression contorted with pain and pleasure.
This he could understand. This kind of pain and pleasure he could take. It was physical, not like the breath-crushing feelings rattling around inside him like broken glass, cutting him up. He tried to distract himself from the emotions, but in the struggle to divorce his body from his thinking he lost his snare on Shikamaru's other wrist.
Hands latched at his hips, stilling his movements.
"Neji…" Shikamaru ground out. "Stop…"
Neji slipped his eyes open slowly, anger flashing across the opalescent surface.
Shikamaru's eyes were pinched with struggle; clearly it was taking a lot to rein himself in. If the rock hard erection buried to the hilt inside Neji was any indication, the effort must have been immense.
Neji clenched around him, pushing…provoking…
Shikamaru pulsed inside him and he watched those dark eyes flutter to a half-mast before they narrowed sharply.
"Fuck…stop dammit…"
Neji smirked. "Your body belies you, Nara."
Shikamaru frowned, swallowing as he shook his head, his words broken up by heavy pants. "I know…what you're trying…to do…"
Neji blinked, fighting for control of his expression. "Do you, now?"
The Nara's eyes flickered and he made to dig his heels in and roll them. Neji predicted the movement and locked his body rigidly, gripping Shikamaru's forearms hard enough to bruise.
Shikamaru's fingers dug into his hips.
"Neji…" he growled.
Neji leaned down slowly, setting their faces close. "If you wanted a passive partner, you chose the wrong person to fuck, Nara."
Shikamaru's eyes cut sharper than the angry line between his brows. "I'm not…into punishing people…for power..." he growled, his voice distorted by his panting. "I'm not…one of your fucking clan…Hyūga…"
Neji's eyes widened, guilt and pain slashing across his face before the anger hardened it, trembling in his voice volcanically. He leaned in closer.
"Then I'm better qualified, aren't I?" he spat bitterly. "Perhaps I should tear you up instead, Nara."
Shikamaru froze, his breath halting against Neji's lips. A shadow of something unnameable chased across his dark eyes, eclipsing their warmth, stealing their glow.
Neji hadn't expected that reaction.
Or his own reaction to it.
Whatever bitter and irrational emotion had driven his words immediately gave way to a deep concern. It washed over him like ice. He drew back a little, searching the Nara's face.
Shikamaru's eyes were unreadable, lost behind a closed-off look.
Neji frowned, his voice dropping a notch. "Did something happen to you, Shikamaru?"
Shikamaru's jaw twitched. "No."
Neji's gaze held fast on those dark eyes and he cocked his head, searching for a lie. "Shikamaru..."
Shikamaru scowled, his lips tightening as he breathed heavily through his nose. But then the anger slipped from his face. No attack came. Nothing for Neji to defend against. Even if there had been, the desire to fight had abandoned him. He continued to search Shikamaru's expression, which softened after a moment, the strange look passing away.
"Hn." Shikamaru's hand cupped the back of Neji's head, drawing him down until their lips settled close. "You're such a god damn pain, you know that?"
"I've always known that," Neji breathed back, his anger gone, concern still festering in the back of his mind. "I told you, that won't change."
"How troublesome." Shikamaru's lips curved a little. "And you're not sorry."
"Not for that," Neji said, his eyes still tracing over Shikamaru's face. "There are worse things to be damned for."
Shikamaru hummed and Neji felt warm hands brush down his sides and settle at his hips, holding him steady. He could feel the tremble in Shikamaru's body, the effort of restraint the Nara was clinging to.
"Guess we're both gonna burn," the shadow-nin murmured.
Neji arched a brow, a sad smile curving his lips. "I thought you weren't into punishment."
Shikamaru shrugged and his hips shifted, the angle urging a shallow thrust. Neji's breath scraped into a hiss, pale eyes clenching shut. When he opened them, he found his lips a hairsbreadth away from Shikamaru's.
The heat had returned to the Nara's bistre orbs, molten and deep.
"Don't need hell to burn, Neji…"
No. I just need you for that.
Their noses nudged and their mouths opened together, tongues tracing the swell of swollen lips before delving deeper. Rich and arousing, Neji could taste the promised fire on Shikamaru's tongue. It chased away the chill in his blood, holding the sadness at bay.
When Shikamaru rocked forward, Neji followed the movement, rising onto his knees. He hissed when the slick length pulled out of him, but barely had time to register the ache before Shikamaru knelt behind him. Hands locked at Neji's hips, one sliding downward along the solid muscle of his thigh, pulling to spread his legs.
He felt Shikamaru's chest press against his back. "Now's the time to push me away."
Neji understood the words for what they implied. "No."
A question asked without a query and consent given with denial instead; it preserved a balance of pride and power…as well as that sense of irony that always seemed to play out between them.
A dangerous game.
Neji felt the hot, wet drip of the Nara's erection kiss the small of his back, trailing lower as he arched into the hand that curled around the pillar of his arousal, stroking from thick root to dewy tip.
"Shikamaru…" he purred the name with a deep roll of the syllables, feeling the shadow-nin shudder behind him.
A firm nudge against his entrance had him reaching around to grip Shikamaru's hip, predicting a slow slide of that engorged steel when the shadow-nin eased forward.
Then without warning, Shikamaru snapped his hips.
He cleaved into Neji's seed-slick heat in one solid plunge.
Neji had no time to choke back the shaking curse that tore out of him.
"Fuck!" he gasped, jerking away from the intrusion instinctively.
Shikamaru tugged him back into the impalement, fusing their bodies with a raw break of his breath against the Hyūga's nape. "Wait."
Shaking, they stayed this way for a moment, the intensity crackling between them. Neji struggled to regulate his breathing, torn between two extremes of feeling, which married into a dizzying burn inside him.
Shikamaru rolled his hips.
A low groan pooled deep in Neji's throat, so soft it barely carried.
Shikamaru must have heard it, because his lips skimmed the shell of Neji's ear, voice as rough as gravel. "Your move."
Neji's move was to taste that voice.
He leaned back and slanted his head, wordlessly drawing Shikamaru's mouth to his. Lips slid and slanted softly, enjoying gentle friction until a warm hand squeezed around Neji twitching shaft. It tore another barely-there moan from his lips. Shikamaru plundered his mouth and that slick tongue curled around his own as if to suck sounds off the tip.
They rocked together for a moment, stretching out the tight clamp of Neji's muscles until he was deliberately pushing Shikamaru with every clench. Shuddering, Shikamaru broke the kiss, trailing wet kisses along Neji's throat as he drew back and slammed hard, running a slow stroke of his fist along Neji's proud length, rubbing circles around the wet crown.
More…
Neji swallowed down his moan, reaching back to drag a hand up Shikamaru's thigh to the firm backside, gripping hard. "Don't…"
"Don't what?" Shikamaru nipped his throat and that invading shaft drew back a little, tapping forward, just shy of nudging Neji where the Hyūga wanted him to strike.
Neji sucked in a sharp breath, grinding back hard. "Fuck…don't…play games…"
Shikamaru stopped moving altogether.
"Games?" Shikamaru's voice dropped into a low, too-calm timbre.
Neji didn't have time to respond to the odd tone before teeth scraped across his shoulder, biting down lightly. He bucked into the firm stroke of the Nara's hand, torn between two torturous pleasures as Shikamaru simultaneously tugged him back into a powerful stab.
It had his spine arching.
Yes...
He was pulled back into another thrust, then another…each harder than its preceding slam. "Is this what you want?"
"Yes…" Neji growled, panting.
He felt a muffled hiss at his shoulder, hot breath spreading across his nape as Shikamaru's free fingers raked his hair aside. Neji swayed his head to swing the dark mane over his shoulder, only to reconsider the wisdom in having done so the second Shikamaru thrust brutally, at the same time he dragged his tongue across Neji's blind spot, sucking hard.
Holy fucking GODS!
The strangled sound that wrenched out of Neji's throat surprised him less than the voltage that ripped through every nerve-ending. It shredded him up so intensely he wasn't sure whether it was pain or pleasure that raged through him as he came in a hard and hot torrent that didn't seem to end.
Time disappeared in a flash.
Maybe it froze or maybe it rewound but Neji couldn't distinguish the point at which his body stopped riding out the bliss. Even when his senses weakly fired up again, he was shaking fiercely. And Shikamaru was still moving powerfully within him…deep, grinding thrusts that rocked him in a rhythm he had no hope of controlling. Every plunge struck nerves still tender and tingling and...
Too much…
"This…isn't…a lie…" Shikamaru's voice growled low at his ear, his sultry breaths shattering out. "This…isn't…a game…"
Neji wasn't coherent enough to process whether there was anger in that voice, or something else, because Shikamaru's hand gripped his spent length and with knowing strokes, began to caress his sensitive flesh back into a burn.
Pale eyes flew wide.
Fuck…no…Gods…yes…
Neji's throaty groan dragged on the air, drowned out by the sound of Shikamaru's harsh, ragged pants. The sounds were just as arousing as the touches and they bled into Neji's senses on a loop that caused more than his head to spin. The room seemed to spin with it. It wouldn't stop and he was thrust painfully back into arousal with every second burning hotter.
Fuck, too much…too much…
Apparently, it wasn't close to what Shikamaru had in mind.
Which might have been to kill him mid-coitus given the Nara's next move.
A move that had every cell in Neji's body screaming even as his vocal chords locked and his eyes clenched shut. The thrust against his prostate became a hammering pound, the pull along his length drew harder and faster…and the third torment sealed his fate when Shikamaru's lips closed around the sensitive vertebra of his blind spot.
A trinity of ecstasy.
Neji stood no chance against it.
A slam, stroke and suck later, the sensory overload blew his control to hell.
His mind flew into orbit - leaving his body to burn as pain and pleasure crashed into each other.
The climax exploded through him in a shockwave more concentrated than chakra.
The intensity stripped him of even his voice.
His lips parted but the cry that ached out of him was silent.
His head dropped back against a firm shoulder, body arched as if he'd break in two.
Let me...
Something scalding and wet trickled across his temples and into his hair.
He felt Shikamaru's release gush deep inside him…and sensed the shadow-nin's lips moving against his temple, mouthing phantom words against his skin…then a shaking arm gripped him tight…
Gods...just let me go…
Shikamaru pulled him back…when all he wanted to do was fall.

He didn't wake, because he never fell asleep.
Though darkness had teased his mind, it hadn't pulled him under.
This had left Shikamaru in the same state he was now…wishing he could stop the clock.
As he lay, he watched the gentle spin of talismans hanging by the window. Like the charms by the door, the small coins twirled like floating orbs on their strings, reflecting the soft, grainy light of a coming dawn. He'd spent the last hour wishing the damn sun would never rise.
He could still taste salt on his lips.
He lay sprawled on his stomach, an arm draped lazily over Neji's back, one of his legs bent at the knee and crossing the Hyūga's somewhere under the furs. Neji, also resting on his front, had his face buried in the crook of his arm, which stretched up and vanished under one of the frayed pillows.
The Hyūga's pale back was a sculpture of lean, rippling muscle, slashed in places with scars. Shikamaru's fingers had traced out each one, trying to identify the weapon and how deep the wound had been.
The shadow-nin had traced his thumb over them repeatedly.
Neji hadn't stirred.
Shikamaru, however, hadn't stopped stirring, at least in his head. His mind had churned non-stop for the past three hours, processing all those missing pieces, perusing the ones he had yet to fully understand…and preserving some of them as stolen moments he'd place in the back of his mind.
Like I could forget...
Fear curdled inside him, knotting hard and low in his gut, weighing down heavy enough to have him holding his breath.
God this is my last chance…
The final outcome – hell, everything – would depend on the imminent conversation. Every second pushed Shikamaru closer to it…and every minute had that damned dread knotting harder and heavier. He swallowed thickly, staggering out a sigh. The quiet breath ghosted against Neji's elbow.
It was this soft tickle that woke the Hyūga.
Fuck.
Shikamaru heard him inhale deeply. He watched the slow tightening of Neji's body, like a predator roused as the powerful frame rippled into a stretch, then settled again. Shikamaru said nothing, just watched through lidded eyes as Neji lowered his arm and carved his fingers back through the mocha strands framing his face.
Dark lashes lifted and slivers of opal settled on Shikamaru, drowsy and glazed.
The knot in Shikamaru's stomach pulled horribly.
He quirked his lip in a weak smile, tapping his thumb against Neji's spine.
Neji blinked slowly in response and hummed as he closed his eyes, his deep tones rasping out tiredly. "Gods, why are you awake?"
Shikamaru arched a brow, grazing his fingers higher to press Neji's nape. "Good question."
Neji smiled a little, slipping his eyes open. "Unsatisfactory answer."
"It beats the truth…" Shikamaru said cautiously, watching Neji's expression shift as the Jōnin's smile slipped away.
For a painfully long moment, Neji just stared at him.
"The truth…" he eventually echoed, lowering his gaze to Shikamaru's throat.
The shadow-nin resisted the urge to swallow.
Neji continued to gaze silently. Before Shikamaru could grow uneasy, the Hyūga drew his elbows beneath him, carefully lifting onto his hands and knees. Shikamaru didn't move, his breath locked low in his throat despite his drowsy expression.
He watched out the corner of his eye as Neji shifted over, grace and power in even the most relaxed of the Hyūga's movements. The Jōnin slid a leg over him, placing his hands and knees either side of Shikamaru's body as he bracketed the shadow-nin beneath him. The ends of his hair caressed like silk across Shikamaru's back, subtle and seductive.
Shikamaru tensed, turning his head enough to direct a peripheral glance up at the Hyūga.
Neji cocked his head, leaned down and pressed an open-mouthed kiss between Shikamaru's shoulder blades, resting his brow there for a moment.
"The truth…" the Hyūga murmured, rolling the words down Shikamaru's spine on a rumble.
Shikamaru closed his eyes. "Guess that's still too much to ask…"
Another moment of quiet lapsed between them, broken only by the soft rush of Neji's breath across his skin.

By the time the warm water cut out, Shikamaru had still been standing numbly under the spray, slouched against the tiles. Needless to say, he moved pretty damn fast the second the icy droplets hit his skin.
But as he sat tugging on his Chūnin pants in the bathroom, he couldn't help but feel that the cold spray didn't have shit on the glacial knot lodged in his stomach. Heaving a tired sigh, he ruffled the ends of the towel through his hair, squeezing out the excess water before pulling the hair tie free from his wrist.
Can't beat the clock…
Securing his hair in its usual fashion, he slapped his hands to his thighs, closed his eyes and gave a mental countdown. He was close to splitting seconds into fractions, but forced himself to stand. He smacked the towel over his shoulder and drew the door open, stepping back into the main room.
A floorboard announced him.
Neji didn't turn at the creak.
The Hyūga stood by the window, clad in his white pants, a wet towel crumpled on the floor beside him. The long chocolate mane had been pulled over his shoulder so as not to drip down his back. Judging by the angle of his jaw, the shadow-nin could tell that Neji was watching the talismans spin, rather than observing the world outside, which was still cast in sleepy hues.
Shikamaru wandered over at an idle, easy pace – at total odds with every nerve inside him. He didn't say a word as he moved up behind the Jōnin, waiting until Neji leaned back before he stepped forward to set his hands at the Hyūga's hips, drumming his fingers against the hipbones. Not a word passed between them and Shikamaru resorted to the window as his only means of gauging how to proceed.
Neji's eyes met his in the glass.
Crap.
The Hyūga held his gaze.
Then before Shikamaru could attempt to couch the awkward moment in threads of humour, Neji abruptly and unexpectedly pulled the opportunity apart by dropping them into that arena he'd been dreading.
"ANBU recruited me two months ago…"
A truth. One Shikamaru had already suspected, but its significance still remained ambiguous, given all the other factors involved.
Shikamaru pursed his lips. "On your birthday, right?"
Neji inclined his head.
"And you're going to take it," Shikamaru said, making no effort to deliver it as a question.
Neji didn't answer straight away. But when he did, his voice fell quietly, as if he were murmuring a prayer rather than a response.
"I need to take it…"
"Why?"
"Because he didn't."
Shikamaru's brows pulled together in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"When ANBU recruited me, I discovered they had done the same thing for my father years ago."
Well, shit.
If it hadn't been for the fact that Neji's gaze had strayed to the corner of the window, the Hyūga might have caught the look of uneasy understanding dawning in Shikamaru's mahogany eyes.
"How many years ago?" the Nara pressed gently.
"Shortly after I was born," Neji answered, his voice so calm and quiet it was a little unnerving. "I suppose it was the Hokage's way of trying to change things in the clan…it was the only way to offer talented Branch members an alternative life without outwardly challenging Hyūga tradition."
Shikamaru mulled this over, setting his chin on Neji's shoulder. "So the Sandaime Hokage offered ANBU positions, huh? Not much of an alternative life."
He watched Neji's lips twist grimly in the glass. "It's a choice, isn't it? Something Branch members never have."
"But if they don't have a choice, then how are they allowed to accept the offer?"
"Because the only thing higher than the Main House's control over the Branch House is the Hokage," Neji explained, fleshing out the truth in a low, passionless drone – as if he'd told the tale to death. "The Hokage has the right to recruit whoever he or she wishes for ANBU. And whoever is recruited has the 'right' to accept."
"So your father could have taken this opportunity?"
"Yes."
And there it was; the tarnished, bitter piece slotting under his mental fingers. Shikamaru slid it into place with all the others that marked out this cruel game that force, figureheads and a father had made of Neji's life.
"So that's what you meant…" Shikamaru murmured, trying to find Neji's gaze in the window, "…when you said he just let it go."
Neji's eyes pinched, a small furrow driving between his brows. "The chance to be free. He just…gave it up…"
It took a lot for Shikamaru not to arch a brow at the comparison Neji had drawn between ANBU and freedom. The Black Ops wasn't exactly something the Nara would have labelled as a route out of any kind of bondage by birth and blood. But then, he wasn't a Hyūga, much less a ninja living in a state of repression like Neji.
Tentatively considering how far to edge into this territory, he turned his lips against Neji's ear, keeping his tone easy and calm. "Why didn't he take it?"
"Because he would have been cast out from the clan," Neji said, his voice taking on an edge. "Both of us would have been."
"But you'd have been free."
"Yes. But no longer Hyūga."
Shikamaru's mouth turned down in a frown, his dark eyes narrowing as he watched Neji's expression in the glass. "So he chose some twisted idea of birthright over freedom?"
"The elders said it was his bitterness…and his desire for the clan to acknowledge me, a Branch member, as having stronger Hyūga blood than Hinata." Neji shook his head a little, almost imperceptibly. "He always used to say…that he should have been born first…"
Shikamaru slid one of his arms around Neji loosely; a meagre comfort that did absolutely nothing to smooth out the small etches that were beginning to crack into the Hyūga's controlled expression.
It drew Shikamaru's eyes to the curse mark. "So in effect, if he'd joined ANBU… it would have prevented them ever putting that mark on you…and using it."
Neji closed his eyes. "I'd have been free, yes…"
Shikamaru took advantage of the silence to study Neji for a moment, watching the muscles bunch and flex in the lean jaw. It was surreal and somewhat unsettling, how simply this conversation was bleeding out of Neji. Like the Hyūga had decided to open a vein and was just letting the bitter poison flow. The words trickled out of him with an eerie serenity…with a lack of struggle. And that disturbed Shikamaru more than an angry outburst. This calm was almost morbid. Chilling and sad and laced with a kind of horrible resignation just beneath the surface.
Shit…
"Neji…"
"I will pursue ANBU. It could have been his freedom…but it will be mine."
Searching for a toehold, Shikamaru tried to steer Neji back a little. "Won't you be exiled from the clan?"
Neji snorted, his lip curving in a mirthless twist. "If the elders have anything to say about it. Being under the direct control of the Hokage rather than them?" His pale eyes slipped open, carrying the same flint as his voice. "Well, imagine what that will do to their 'Hyūga' pride…losing their best Branch pet."
Okay, bad move.
Not that he'd expected any less. It wasn't as if Neji's clan would carry any weight as far as avoiding ANBU was concerned. No leverage there. Shikamaru opted for the next tactic, which was closer to his own concerns, given that he couldn't care less about the Hyūga elders or their expectations for Neji.
"And what about you?" Shikamaru said softly, tapping his thumb at Neji's hip. "You think ANBU is any easier?"
Neji's eyes met his in the glass and for a moment, they narrowed suspiciously. Shikamaru's nerves tightened, but he kept his face relaxed, his jaw set calmly on Neji's shoulder.
The Jōnin looked away. "It doesn't matter. At least I will no longer live in fear of experiencing what they did to me ever again. I can deal with anything else. But not being controlled like this…not living this way…" Neji's eyes strayed to the curse mark in the glass. "Knowing that they could take my life without giving me a chance to defend myself should I cross a line rather than toe it."
Shikamaru frowned. "Hiashi-sama wouldn't do that to you, or allow them to either."
Neji tugged away sharply, dislodging Shikamaru's grip and forcing him to step back. He watched the Jōnin grip the windowsill in a vice-like snare, angry breath drifting out to mist the glass.
"Because he's such a marvellous protector?" Neji spat, lip curling bitterly before he schooled his expression. "Tch. I discovered how much of a lie that was when I was a child. I don't want or need his protection. I never did."
No. You needed your father's.
"Neji…"
"I don't need anyone to protect me," Neji muttered beneath his breath, straightening up with more calm than he'd shot forward. "The most crucial lesson my father ever taught me."
"No, it wasn't." Shikamaru's eyes narrowed, his easy drawl gaining a touch of frustration. "It was his mistake, not a lesson. He should have protected you."
Neji's shoulders stiffened, the muscles shifting like stone. He shook his head, not turning to face Shikamaru. "It doesn't matter. It made me strong. It taught me to spend my life ensuring I never lose. This will be no different."
"Don't do this, Neji."
"Why?" Neji turned his head, but his gaze drifted up to the spinning talismans. "I may be trading cages, but at least I get to choose this one…"
Shikamaru had to brace himself against the barrage of feelings those words brought on. He clamped it down as tight as his jaw, shaking his head.
"Neji..."
"All these years I've strived to achieve more," the Jōnin continued, raising a hand to catch a shining sphere between finger and thumb, twisting it until the light hit the weathered surface. "I thought the natural thing to do was to get stronger…no matter what I left behind." He let the sphere go carefully, watching it spin.
Shikamaru wanted to reach out and stop it.
But it kept on spinning, slow and steady.
Neji hummed quietly, watching it as his voice dropped lower, almost inaudible as he spoke. "Strange…as a child, I would have taken freedom over Hyūga 'pride' and 'progress' any day…" he turned then, slowly as that sphere, his eyes just as dull as the tarnished silver when they settled on Shikamaru. "…and I would have given my life for my father to have had that freedom too."
The sadness in Neji's face was as gutting as his words.
But here was the truth.
And there was nothing to be said to dilute it into something more palatable. It was every bit the bitter pill. Shikamaru swallowed it down along with that tightness in his throat. Staring sadly at Neji, he tried to digest the words in calculated detachment…and failed.
He just couldn't stomach it.
And suddenly, his sadness began to turn sour at the thought of Hizashi.
"Yeah…" Shikamaru said quietly, anger crawling into his eyes. "And he couldn't even do that for you…and it wouldn't have even cost him his damned life. Just a crappy family name he hated anyway."
Neji looked away, shaking his head. "You don't understand…"
"No. I think I finally do. And it's fucking messed up."
The harsh words added weight to the truth, to the bitterness of it. Neji stepped out of the painful territory by physically removing himself, brushing past Shikamaru quietly.
"It was not an easy choice, Shikamaru…"
One dark brow curving, Shikamaru turned and pinned Neji's back with a look. "So what? He still had a choice. Just like Kitori. Isn't that why you're so pissed at her and Ozuku? Because of what they did to those kids? It's just like what he did to you."
Neji stopped walking across the room. "No it's not."
"Close enough though, isn't it?" Shikamaru pushed, his own anger doing something it seldom did, overriding the command prompts from his brain. "He had the chance to stop it. Instead, he let it slide. And later, he handed you over to his brother."
"By then he had no choice."
"And now you know that he did before."
Neji said nothing.
Shikamaru glared at the back of his head, confusion tearing across his eyes. Why the hell was Neji suddenly defending Hizashi? The Nara snorted, scowling. If the Jōnin was suddenly unwilling to point fingers, Shikamaru sure as hell had no problem picking up where Neji left off.
"He could have stopped it," Shikamaru stated bluntly. "He didn't."
"Stop it, Shikamaru," Neji whispered, the words hoarse with pain.
"No way, if it pisses me off to hear this, what the hell is it doing to you?" he growled and no sooner had he snapped out the question than his voice softened. "God, what the hell has it been doing to you to carry that crap for the last two months and pretend like it doesn't matter?"
"I'm not going to behave like a child about it," Neji uttered, stepping further away. "I've already done that once and look what it aptly resulted in."
Shikamaru's jaw almost dropped. Frustration slammed into him with the force of a freight train, derailing his calm. He almost raised his hands to strangle the air, but caught himself just in time. He jammed his hands at the waist of his Chūnin pants, cocking a slanted and angry stance, his eyes sharp and hot beneath the dark sweep of his lashes – every bit the tousled, pissed off male.
"What it aptly resulted in?" He ground his jaw, his brow arching. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Neji turned calmly, infuriatingly composed. "It's true. I was naive to have thought it would garner me anything else."
"How the hell can you say that?" Shikamaru scowled, dropping his hands to pace forward. "You were just a kid. A kid protecting a father that should have protected you!"
Neji's polished veneer slipped, his brows furrowing as he turned away. "And by then, 'I' was too late."
Shikamaru grabbed his bare shoulder, wheeling him around in a jerk. "You were fucking four years old! That wasn't your fault it was theirs, dammit!"
The side of Neji's palm struck like a blunt knife, knocking Shikamaru's touch away as the Hyūga fell back a step, glaring. "Fault? And what I did to Hinata in the Chūnin exams?"
"That's different," Shikamaru growled, not appreciating how much he sounded like Naruto with such a lame response.
Neji shook his head, the halo of ice around his eyes softening with regret. "And what I did to you?"
"That's different too," was all Shikamaru could stupidly parrot, robbed of his sharp responses – like his brain wasn't able to penetrate the fog of feeling clouding his judgement.
Neji must have sensed it too, because the Hyūga settled a look so close to regret and fondness on him that Shikamaru found it hard to draw air for a moment.
"No," Neji said softly. "It's not different at all. That kind of emotion, with me at least, is like oil on fire."
Shikamaru stared, hating the ring of inevitability in Neji's clear, deep tones. The Hyūga stepped forward and lifted his hand. Bruised knuckles grazed along Shikamaru's clenched jaw.
"Either I hurt someone else…" Neji drew his thumb across his own brow like a blade, slashing through the curse mark, "or I am controlled with this. I'd rather avoid both circumstances."
"So you're just gonna keep blocking your tenketsu like it's just gonna stop…" Shikamaru surmised bitterly, shaking his head as he traced his eyes over Neji's chest, over the black bruises laced with dark blood vessels. "Whatever the hell you're feeling about all this."
Neji hooked a knuckle under his jaw, drawing his chin up. "I cannot achieve ANBU with irrational emotion in my way."
"Emotion isn't supposed to be rational, dammit," Shikamaru growled, jerking away from the touch, very much illustrating his words. "And it's not irrational considering what the hell you've been through!"
"The cause of my emotional instability is irrelevant," Neji stated, almost robotically. "I will remove the instability, Nara, or it will destroy my ability to pass the psychological evaluation."
Stunned, Shikamaru stared in cold, hard shock for a long moment.
He was barely able to compute the two hundred reasons why this self-diagnosed destiny was a disaster not waiting to happen, but absolutely bound to happen.
He shook his head slowly.
"Do you even hear what you're saying?" he breathed out.
"Yes. I am going to become ANBU and secure my freedom."
"You mean secure control."
Neji shook his head dismissively. "It's the same thing."
"Shit," Shikamaru whispered and fell back a step, gazing at Neji incredulously. "You really believe that don't you?"
"Having control over my fate is freedom," Neji declared quietly. "I will be free, Shikamaru. ANBU will be my freedom."
"Yeah?" Shikamaru challenged, jutting his jaw toward Neji's chest. "And what about the cost?"
"There's always a price."
The horrible irony of those words struck Shikamaru momentarily speechless.
Shit…
Suddenly, the urgency of time slammed into him and the words flooded out unplanned, shaking loose from in his throat in a rattling gush. "Dammit, Neji…I can't spare you anymore."
Neji cocked his head. "What?"
"I can't let you go into this fight…" Shikamaru said hoarsely, though his face hardened with a growing resolve. "You need to let a medic remove those blocks and fix the damage you've done before it kills you. Which it's going to."
Silence.
Neji stared at him blankly – as if he'd just spoken in tongues.
Not that Shikamaru would have minded some divine intervention, because given the look of non-comprehension on Neji's face, maybe a miracle would be needed to get through to him.
Say something, dammit.
Shikamaru stared back, looking for any kind of sign on Neji's face that suggested he did just speak and the words hadn't caught in his throat or just run through his head rather than out his mouth.
Neji said nothing.
This passive standoff stretched uncomfortably between them, pulling so taut Shikamaru predicted something explosive about to erupt from the fragile sense of calm.
He wasn't sure whether to be relieved or alarmed when this didn't happen.
"You've said this before, Shikamaru," Neji reminded. "And I heard you the first time."
"So that's your excuse not to hear me now?"
Neji's serene expression tightened into a frown, his deep voice cutting off anything Shikamaru might have added. "I could say the same to you, Nara. My first answer will always be my last as far as this situation is concerned."
"As far as this situation is concerned your first answer won't have shit on what your last regret will be if you don't let me get you medical attention."
"Don't play with semantics, Shikamaru."
Shikamaru's expression chiselled darkly.
His voice dropped low, the smoky tones barbed with steel. "I'm not playing."
"Neither am I," Neji returned with equal grit, not giving up an inch of stubborn ground. "Whatever I need from you, Nara, it will never be your interference. I will fix whatever I break. I have done this since I was a child."
Like cold wind, the mention of Neji's childhood whipped away Shikamaru's words for a moment. It left him feeling as utterly useless as he had hours ago when he'd looked on at damage he was unable to prevent.
Focus…this is your last damned chance…
Forcing his chest to loosen, he released a slow, controlled breath through his nose, struggling to stay calm.
"Even if you could heal the embolisms yourself – which you can't – it's not gonna take away the emotion that made you create them."
Neji's lips thinned angrily, but his eyes looked torn.
"That emotion is irrelevant." He turned away and moved back towards the bed, reaching across for his hitai-ate, gleaming coldly against the furs. "I've had Jōnin psychological training. When I enter ANBU's conditioning, I will treat it no differently in dealing with this problem."
"Only it's not about your fucking head…"
"It might as well be."
Shikamaru reached out to grab the Hyūga's other wrist, forcing him to turn. "Who the hell are you kidding, Neji?"
Neji glanced down at the fingers curled loosely around his wrist, then tracked his gaze back up to meet Shikamaru's eyes. "It doesn't matter. If the price is my feeling, then I've already paid."
Shikamaru couldn't keep the hurt from his eyes.
Another blow to the head would have wounded him less than that.
His voice croaked out raw. "No you haven't."
Neji met his pain with a look of struggle; one that revealed the Hyūga's words for the lie that they were. But even then, Neji shook his head and it was an action too subtle given the horrible meaning it held.
God…don't do this…
Neji dislodged his wrist and raised his hand to Shikamaru's head, drawing the Nara's brow to his with a tenderness that made his next words chilling.
"Whatever I am when I'm with you, Shikamaru…that doesn't change anything."
Shikamaru clenched his eyes shut against the knifing pain that cut through him.
It's fucking changed everything…
For all the poisonous truth he'd been trying to draw out of Neji…the venom of his own denial had been crippling him. Perfect lies and practiced evasions. Everything he'd been writing off as too troublesome or dangerous to consider.
Get a grip…you can still do this…
He shuddered once, drawing his head back slowly.
"It's not about that, Neji," he squeezed the words past the tightness in his throat.
"Shikamaru…"
"The fact that you're doing this," he touched a knuckle to Neji's bruised chest, "to try to stop what you feel about what your father and your clan did…is proof enough that you haven't paid that price."
He dragged his knuckle up the marked chest, along the constricting chords of Neji's throat, across a tense jaw to hook under Neji's chin.
"You haven't paid yet," he breathed across Neji's mouth. "So don't."
Neji's voice thickened and shook. "It doesn't matter."
"It's always mattered, that's the point." Shikamaru brushed his thumb across the Jōnin's mouth. "The second you realised how much it mattered you tried to make it stop."
"Because I need it to…I can't afford to be this way…" Neji closed his eyes. "I gave you that weakness last night."
"That wasn't weakness."
The crease of pain between Neji's brows pulled a rock to Shikamaru's throat.
Unbidden, the taste of Neji's tears came back to him as if it were still on his tongue.
The warm sting of salt that had held fourteen years worth of crushed sorrow.
It had leaked out in a stolen moment…and the saddest, cruellest part was that Neji hadn't even realised he'd shed them. Maybe he didn't think he could. And maybe he'd never know. Shikamaru would never use that moment against him, even if he had to employ every other weapon at his disposal.
"Just let yourself feel angry," Shikamaru urged, carding his fingers through the thick mane of hair, dragging it back from Neji's face. "Just let yourself feel sad."
Neji shook his head, frowning through his pain as he made to pull back.
Shikamaru only gripped him tighter, ducking his head to try and fuse their gazes, to try and find that vital contact that might move Neji more than his words.
God please…
"I can't…" Neji reached up, grabbing his wrists. "Gods, after what I did to you…you know why I can't."
"You're not gonna hurt anyone and no one is gonna hurt you."
"Shikamaru, stop…"
He couldn't stop, not when the fear inside his gut had turned so hard it hurt. The only way to break it up was to unleash a desperate anger – to make himself heard. His words flew like weapons, his calculated tongue cutting into the verbal fray.
"He had a chance to protect you years ago and he didn't take it!"
"Shut up!" Neji tore his hands away, rearing back as a wild sheen of pain filmed across his wounded, opal eyes. "Stop it, Shikamaru!"
And in that strangled roar, Shikamaru couldn't help but see the bitter image of a child protecting his dead father all over again. The roots of the Nara's heart twisted painfully, wringing emotion from him until the orders from his brain vanished altogether.
"Why are you protecting him, Neji!" Shikamaru snarled, choked with anger so rare to his voice he scarcely recognised it. "Why? He's dead and you're still protecting him!"
"Because he is still my father!" Neji roared back, slashing his hand through the air, drawing an invisible line. "Enough!"
It wasn't enough. No where close to enough when it came to the injustice of Hizashi being defended even in death when Neji was left suffering to the point where his life was at risk because of it. Shikamaru was beyond his intellect's ability to rein in his reactions. The impulse Neji had woken up in him two months ago drove him forward until they were toe to toe.
"Your father took his pain and bitterness over you!" Shikamaru yelled. "It's okay for you to be pissed off about that! He didn't protect you. He failed you."
Like a reverse explosion, the anger sucked out of Neji's eyes, leaving them wide and shocked. Confused, lost. He stepped back and wheeled in a circle, pale eyes searching about wildly as if scrambling for slipping ground. Shikamaru grabbed his shoulder and gripped his head, tugging him forward, forcing their brows to lock like proverbial horns as he glared hard into those lost eyes.
Let me find you…one last time…let me find you…
"You're not gonna be punished for getting angry like you were when you were a kid," Shikamaru growled, tangling his fingers in the mocha silk, trying to get a grip on Neji as well as himself, feeling as if he was losing both. "You can finally let it out and not have to suffer for it."
Neji's fingers dug into his nape so hard Shikamaru winced at the pain, but the sound was muffled beneath the crash of Neji's mouth. A brutal, punishing kiss that drew blood as teeth clashed and tongues warred. Fingers left bruises as they gripped each other, pulled at each other and physically tried to impress their pain – their need – on each other.
Let this go…don't make me hurt you like they did…
Shikamaru's touch softened and the second it did Neji pitched him away so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that he almost went down under the force of it. Fortunately, a fluid shift of his footing saved him and he staggered back without falling, gripping his chest with a cough and wince.
"Get…away from me…" Neji warned, uttering the words in a shudder as he held up a palm between them, warding Shikamaru off even as he backed away himself. "I will not let you become the one who destroys my only chance for freedom. Gods…not you."
Shikamaru straightened up, cupping his side, but the ache in his ribs was nothing compared to the pain behind them. "If you don't let this out and unblock your tenketsu then your only chance for freedom is gonna be in a fucking coffin."
"Never."
Shikamaru coughed, tightening his grip on his ribs as he glared without anger, only mounting desperation. "It's not a physical thing, but now you've made it one."
"Then I will do whatever is necessary to stop this as well."
"God, Neji…it's going to kill you…" Shikamaru rasped, his voice tight and strained, his eyes struck with a burning sheen.
"Not before I make ANBU it won't." Neji's spine drew as rigid as his face and something set itself in his eyes, something that had the fight in Shikamaru deflating.
God no…
"You're not gonna last that long…"
"Watch me last that long, Nara."
No.
Shikamaru dropped his gaze to Neji's chest, shaking his head. "No. I'm done watching."
"Good," Neji uttered coldly, raising his chin. "Now you can finally walk away."
Shikamaru didn't want to look into those eyes, but the vicious statement drew his gaze up anyway. And when he looked into those pale, icy orbs gazing back at him, he knew with perfect numbing clarity what he'd fought so hard to deny.
There was never a chance in hell you were ever gonna let this go…
It struck him cold, right to the core.
The reality…the inevitable, inescapable truth of it sank like a block of ice in his gut.
I found you too late…
Denial passed away, leaving his mind utterly. There was only the cruel, bitter reality of what he'd known he'd have to do all along.
He stared hard into Neji's haunted eyes.
Eyes like clouds.
Like those wisps of distant vapour Shikamaru had lost himself in countless times since his childhood…but just like those clouds, Neji was something he couldn't ever hope to hold. Not when he was determined to ride a cold wind that no warm words could pull him back from.
I'm sorry…
And like a cloud on a current, he watched the Hyūga pass beyond reach and return.
And just like his hope, Shikamaru crushed whatever emotion was breaking in his chest.
The burning sheen in his eyes turned hard.
I'm done watching.
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Break to Breathe