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Break to Breathe	By : Okami-Rayne Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male > Shikamaru/Neji Views: 1959 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: NARUTO and its respective characters were created and are owned by Masashi Kishimoto. No copyright infringement intended. I make no money from this story.

Chapter List
- 36
- 37
- 38
Warning: Long chapter, have a cuppa tea & please donate brain cells and blood to me lol Any feedback for this chapter will be very much appreciated.

BREAK TO BREATHE

by Okami Rayne

Chapter Thirty Seven

[Dedicated to Shinejshi]
The hitai-ate was a defence.
Never stated, but implicitly implied.
It guarded more than Neji's forehead and represented more than his allegiance to his village. It was armour across a wound neither his village nor his clan had prevented. It was a lie and a denial; two things that provided a deeply buried part of him with protection it had always needed but never had.
This is why it was a defence.
So when Shikamaru reached to remove this defence, Neji's instinctive reaction was to snap the shadow-nin's wrists. Fortunately, Shikamaru was a fast learner. Even more fortunately, Shikamaru could move as fast as his mind when he needed to.
Neji's hands grabbed air.
Shikamaru held his palms up calmly. "Alright…take it easy…"
Neji stared at Shikamaru's hands for a long moment. Then he reached up himself to remove the hitai-ate, pulling down the thin fabric beneath it to band securely across the curse mark.
Defences weren't always made of steel.
He set the forehead protector down on the bed, sensing that Shikamaru was watching his movements. It was only when Neji released the hitai-ate that the Nara crouched down in front of him and moved to pop the button on his robe.
Like peeling back skin, the white layer came away red.
Shikamaru's wince didn't reach Neji. Maybe the look in the dark eyes might have, but the Hyūga kept his gaze fixed on Shikamaru's chest, staring at the creases in the turtleneck as the shadow-nin checked him over with methodical patience. If he sensed anything at all beyond the numb fog, then it was the sensation of being rigid; frozen. Like the stone he'd been likened to three years ago.
"You're a stone cold bastard, Hyūga."
Kiba had said this.
Hinata had denied it – an irregular heartbeat later.
She'd been twelve at the time, her breathing laboured with pain and her gentle, knowing eyes softened with sympathy. Neji had never understood how her hurting heart could embrace forgiveness after the damage it had taken.
He'd targeted that organ.
He'd targeted her.
Like a predator, he'd sniffed out psychological weakness, used it to cripple her confidence and had gone straight for the kill the second she'd fought back and hit his heart without touching him. She'd cut him with words. Just like Shikamaru.
Neji frowned and his shaking hands flinched.
He didn't realise Shikamaru was watching him.
"Does this hurt?" Shikamaru's fingertips stopped skimming his bruised ribs.
The words took a moment to sink in. There were so many different layers to that question. Neji opted for the mundane interpretation and shook his head. He felt a soft pull against his hair, the sensation of Shikamaru's fingers dragging back through the mocha strands.
It pulled Neji away from his memories and back to the present.
Here…
He heard the drip of water and the squelch of soaked fabric. Shikamaru's fingers slid beneath his jaw, tilting his head up as the Nara dabbed a wet cloth along his throat, wiping away the blood he couldn't see.
He hadn't even seen it at the time he'd made the kills.
This quiet cleansing continued for a few minutes; a patient and careful swipe of cloth. Unwarranted gentleness. Shikamaru should have been rubbing his skin raw in irritation or anger, but the Chūnin displayed neither emotion in his touch.
Neji flicked a glance toward the Nara's face.
Shikamaru was frowning. But Neji detected no anger. A look of quiet concentration – or concern – had cut deep into his face. He smoothed the cloth gently along Neji's collar bones. The Jōnin closed his eyes miserably.
He didn't deserve this. He shouldn't have allowed it.
It's not like he needed it either – did he?
Even the terror and pain he'd felt as a child had never warranted him this. After the curse seal branding, he'd been met with stiff upper lips and stern, quiet words from other Branch members.
"Stop crying, Neji."
He'd learned that to cry in pain wasn't acceptable.
"No tears. Be strong for your father."
He'd learned to be stronger than pain.
"When your father comes, you will smile. Do you understand?"
No. He hadn't understood. But he'd obeyed.
His father had come later, after the women had dabbed away the evidence of his tears. Hizashi had never had to comfort him. The Hyūga twin had returned to find his son's brow bandaged and his face smiling. A gentle pat to the head had sufficed; no words, no warm embraces or explanations for why he'd been punished this way.
Hizashi had read him a story and had allowed his son to sleep beside him.
At the time, in his innocence, Neji had believed it was enough.
His pain had been crushed and caged and controlled.
He'd said nothing about the headaches; or the ache in his chest. He'd learned quickly how to suffer in silence by watching other Branch members. While observing them he'd also learned, without instruction, which pressure points to touch to alleviate pain.
Shikamaru dabbed the cloth against his temple.
The memory slipped away as Neji slipped his eyes open.
Shikamaru's gaze hit his squarely for no less than a second.
A second in which the concern in Shikamaru's eyes reached that ache he thought had been crushed and caged…and controlled. A crippling sadness twisted within; perhaps the child he'd never been curling in on itself.
Gods…stop it…weak...
Neji fought to keep himself inert and impassive. Fought to keep his mind from straying beyond the border of apathy he'd constructed the second it had collapsed back in the tunnels. If he crossed that border now, he wasn't sure what would follow behind him; maybe that beast-like anger crawling around in his blood, looking for something to punish for its pain.
Again…
That anger would tug Neji across the numb border and back into that raw red mist. And the pain would drag him even further…right through the mist…and into feeling.
He sucked in a sharp breath.
The splash of cloth hitting water sounded as Shikamaru's hands, damp but still warm, came to rest at his arms.
"Neji," Shikamaru murmured, low and soothing. "Look at me."
A violent pang twisted in Neji's chest and he withdrew, seeking an exit in his mind.
"Neji…"
Neji shook his head, spearing his fingers into his hair to grip his skull.
"Troublesome, Hyūga," Shikamaru muttered sadly, pulling the Jōnin's hands away. "Quit making this about your head."
Neji didn't have time to process a reaction. In the next instant, Shikamaru was standing to the side of him and the Nara's arm was hooked gently around his neck, drawing him into a slant against the shadow-nin's body.
Long fingers threaded into his hair, rubbing gently.
Neji fought to find resistance.
Then he heard Shikamaru's heart beating.
Suddenly, he had no strength to even try.

"I chose you for your mercy…"
Red ran down his body in ribbons, dripping over the sculpted muscles of his legs to pool at his feet. The drizzle of the shower pattered down, dragging away the remaining grime and gore.
Mercy…?
Neji felt the soft sprinkle against his back, warmth chasing down the groove of his spine. A cleansing that washed away what Shikamaru hadn't already dabbed off his skin. He turned his face up into the spray and let the droplets hit his brow, gather on his lashes and streak down his high cheeks like tears.
"Don't cry, Neji."
Neji bowed his head, carving one shaking hand back through his hair, fingers dragging out the blood from the wet mass. His body went through these motions as robotically as he'd fought the Tsubasa shinobi. But his mind churned with memories as bitter as bile.
"Why are you bleeding, Neji?"
"I tried to get it off."
"It doesn't come off, child. Never do that again."
When the water finally ran clear beneath his feet, he shut off the gentle spray, watching the water swirl down the drain. The pipes groaned, protesting the warmth in their cold channels.
"I forgive you, Neji-niisan."
Water continued to drip; trickling down Neji's body, following etched contours of muscle or leaking down along the dark sheet of his hair. He stood for a long moment, letting the cold air raise a prickle along his skin. He could have convinced himself it was the chill making him shake. He was operating on enough lies to keep functioning – so what was one more? It changed nothing.
Nothing…everything…
Neji stared down at his left arm, at the protruding veins along the strained tendons of his hand. He flexed out his fingers, curling the slender digits into a fist to stop the shaking.
A familiar stab of pain shot up his arm like a senbon.
He rolled his left shoulder, drawing a slow breath that rattled.
But it wasn't the physical pain that swallowed the air in his lungs; it was that cavity which yawned wide and deep inside him, like a black hole opening up a little more with every heartbeat.
And every remembered word from two months ago.
"It was never a matter of destiny, Neji. It was a matter of decision."
Neji squeezed his eyes shut.
"Hizashi made that decision for you years ago."
He pressed his forehead to the cold, hard tiles, twisting his brow against the surface.
"Call it his weakness, but it secured the clan with invaluable strength. You."
He pressed his brow harder, shaking his head, gritting his teeth, fingers digging against the tiles.
"You belong to the Hyūga clan."
His breath shattered back against his face.
"Your rage was always misplaced as a child. Do not make us punish you for it again."
He clawed his fingers up and down the unyielding wall.
"Your father chose this path for you. Accept it. It's over."
A violent crack rent the air; splitting skin and ceramic.
"It is decided. It is done."
The echo of those voices receded…swallowed up by that unseen hole in his chest.
Neji ignored the blood leaking from his knuckles, his fists embedded in the cracked tiles which were suddenly as broken as his apathy.
Feeling leaking through.
His lips parted around a roar that wouldn't come. It belonged to that ravenous pain prowling deep inside him. Its howls catching low in his throat, building with all the unspoken words. For days, weeks, months…years…he'd controlled it.
He'd sworn never to allow that pain to harm anyone else ever again.
But as he'd learned with Hinata, one slip was always all it ever took.
And if his tenketsu hadn't been blocked, his last slip would have killed Shikamaru.

The nail drove straight through his palm.
"Sonofa—!" Shikamaru growled. "Dammit."
Abandoning his war with the plank of wood, Shikamaru sank back on his knees, glaring at the heel of his hand as the floorboard wedged awkwardly into place. He scowled at the metal imbedded in his skin and tilted his body toward the nearest source of candlelight. The waxy glow played across his palm as he went about pinching the nail free.
Nice. Avoid a bomb and get god damned tetanus…
Holding the nail up to the light, he glared at the inanimate offender and flicked it off into the corner of the room, returning to his task of securing the floorboards. He'd found the chakra pills right where Hibari had promised; beneath rotten wood, cobwebs and the protection of an explosive seal. Shikamaru had disabled it with the appropriate signs.
Hefting the pouch of pills, the shadow-nin tested the weight in his palm, rising from his kneel to drop the bag by his flak-jacket near the bed. Distracted by the stupid puncture in his hand, he turned in a lazy circle and almost smacked into Neji.
"Shit!" Shikamaru jolted as his heart lunged into his throat, the shock giving way to a nervous flutter of his pulse.
He closed his eyes, attempting to force his breathing back to normalcy.
"Shit, Neji…" he said shakily. "Creak a damn floorboard or something..."
How the hell hadn't he noticed the Hyūga standing there? He was like a ghost. Shikamaru rolled his shoulders, shrugging off the shock and the grim comparison. He opened his eyes to refocus on the cause of his miniature heart attack. Instantly, his heart did a different kind of jolt and hammer when he registered the fact that Neji was clad in nothing more than a towel knotted securely at his hips.
Embers stirred deep in Shikamaru's stomach.
His eyes traced upwards along grooved abominals, carved deeper by candlelight, higher to the discoloured planes of Neji's chest. His wandering gaze stopped here. The marks dotted about the pale skin were almost black, thin blood vessels leaking out in purple threads from the bruises. Shikamaru's eyes pinched. But any words he might have spoken died on his tongue as Neji's hands settled either side of his head.
The Hyūga's palms were like ice.
Shikamaru flinched at the chill then went completely still.
He kept his gaze cast down, the crease at his brow communicating his confusion. No answer came, but he felt the Jōnin's cold fingertips pressing gently at his temples. Seeking Neji's face, Shikamaru raised his eyes, which rounded the second his focus landed on the Hyūga's forehead.
It took a wide-eyed moment for the shock to drop away.
The second it did, Shikamaru barely gave the curse mark his attention.
He sought Neji's eyes instead.
God dammit, look at me…
Neji wouldn't.
Instead, the Hyūga's thumbs traced the arch of Shikamaru's brows, following down to the bridge of his nose, parting ways to orbit his eyes. Every press and pause carried a delicate deliberation. Shikamaru kept his eyes open, breathing softly as he gazed at the lashes framing those moonstone orbs. They continued to avoid his gaze completely.
"Neji," Shikamaru breathed out. "Why the hell won't you look at me?"
Neji shook his head, his thumbs dragging along Shikamaru's cheekbones, lodging into the hinge of his jaw to roll slow circles.
"Are you in pain?" Neji asked, his voice so hoarse that Shikamaru barely recognised it.
"I got the once-over already."
"Answer my question."
Shikamaru reached up, closing his fingers around Neji's wrists. "I told you, I'm fine."
Neji didn't respond to that. He didn't look convinced either.
"I mean it." Shikamaru tilted his head, managing a weak smirk. "All those head butts prepared me."
Neji's thumbs stopped rolling. His pale eyes narrowed, averting somewhere to the side of the shadow-nin. Shikamaru instantly regretted the attempt at humour. He squeezed Neji's wrists apologetically. The Hyūga made no comment and instead dislodged his wrists and continued to trace out Shikamaru's face with his fingertips, pausing at pressure points.
Deciding that silence better served the moment, Shikamaru stood quietly, cocking a hip as he shifted his weight. He watched Neji through his lashes, concern playing behind the deceptive calm of his dark eyes.
God how badly did I mess up…if you can't even look me in the eye…?
Neji's cool fingertips traced his jaw, following the sharp slant from chin back to hinge several times. When satisfied, Neji retraced his cheekbone, brow and down under his eye.
Eventually the touch cupped the back of his head.
To Shikamaru's surprise, he was drawn forward.
Neji's lips settled at his brow, pressing a kiss that crumbled into a shattered breath.
The broken sound sliced through Shikamaru like glass between his ribs.
He drew back instantly and speared his fingers into Neji's thick, wet mane, fisting the dark strands as he ducked his head, seeking cloud-like eyes.
"Dammit Neji, look at me…"
Neji closed his eyes. His hands, as ice-cold as the rest of his skin, settled at Shikamaru's wrists, long fingers still shaking even as they gripped.
"Release me, Nara." The command was barely a whisper.
Shikamaru swallowed as that glass-like pain cut deeper.
"Not until you look at me."
"Why? I didn't spare you a backward glance…" Neji frowned, squeezing Shikamaru's wrists. "I walked away…"
"I've walked away too." He traced his lips across Neji's closed eyelids, then across the pale brow, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to the curse mark, sealing it with a chaste sweep of his lips. "Not keeping score here."
"Don't…" Neji's breath shuddered out against his throat. "I don't want your forgiveness."
Ignoring the tightening grip on his wrists, Shikamaru drew the Jōnin's head back up with a flex of his fingers through the damp hair. "Guess you're outta luck. I'm not taking it back."
"I need you to…"
Shikamaru shook his head. "Then need something else."
"There's nothing…"
"There's this…" Shikamaru growled, capturing Neji's mouth beneath his, plunging past the barrier of teeth.
Neji didn't react.
Shikamaru's frustration collapsed under his concern.
He softened the kiss, intimately tracing out familiar crevasses until Neji's tongue stirred and drew him deeper, pulling him into a slick roll and caress.
The kiss deepened, laced with sadness Shikamaru could taste.
Neji's breath shivered into his mouth, raw with sorrow he kept trying to suffocate. The strings of Shikamaru's heart pulled sharply, as if trying to reach his throat, tightening the chords there. Neji's grip at his wrists loosened and he tugged his hands free to slide them up the Jōnin's sides, trying to warm the alarmingly cold skin.
Shit…why is he so cold?
Shikamaru could feel the chill through the fabric of his turtleneck, not just beneath his palms. He broke the kiss to tilt his head, panting a hot breath against Neji's neck, kissing a slow path up to the proud edge of jaw.
Neji squeezed his nape. "I left you on the ground…"
Yeah, and I ripped the ground out from under you…guess we're even.
"I don't care about that," Shikamaru murmured roughly, fanning another humid breath across Neji's collar bone, feeling Neji's skin prickle beneath the stroke of his palms as he pressed them flush together.
But Neji wouldn't warm beneath his hands.
Panic slivered through him.
"You should…" Neji whispered. "You should care…"
"Yeah, probably." Shikamaru frowned, dragging the heels of his palms across the pale back, feeling the long, wet silk of Neji's hair against his knuckles. "But I don't."
"I do…"
Neji's voice fell so quietly Shikamaru almost missed it. Almost. He heard both syllables, hoarse and quiet – but clear. Like soft droplets into the turbulent waters of his mind, they rippled undercurrents across the surface.
Shikamaru drew his head back slowly, stilling his hands at Neji's shoulder blades.
Neji didn't give him time to try and lock their gazes.
The Jōnin's mouth settled above his softly, caressing until Shikamaru's lips burned and tingled beneath the gentle friction. Such a simple kiss, yet his blood warmed, stirred and flooded feelings through him that were equal parts pain and pleasure. Searing and soothing and too much to contain…but these feelings filled holes he didn't think existed in parts of himself…and suddenly the cruel, crazy thing was…he had missing pieces too.
God what the hell have we done to each other?
Shikamaru raised his head an inch, but Neji's lips were already trailing his jaw, laying lingering kisses along the slant that had been bruised and split hours before. Those cold palms came to frame his head again and long, slender fingers held him still as Neji's lips began the journey his fingertips had taken, skimming over Shikamaru's face slowly.
"Neji, stop…" Shikamaru murmured, closing his eyes. "It doesn't hurt…"
"No…" Neji dropped the word at his temple, then again at his brow, breathing it against his hairline and between his lips when their mouths met again.
The Hyūga's hands dropped down to his hips, tugging him forward. Shikamaru swayed with the motion, knocking Neji back a step as he returned to kneading the Hyūga's skin firmly, trying to break up the cold. He exhaled warm streams of air along Neji's neck until his lungs ached.
Is this even close to what you feel? When you can't breathe?
A weak comparison, but it hurt all the same just to imagine it. It left him cold, as cold as the skin he kept caressing but which wouldn't warm.
"Dammit Neji, why won't you get warm?"
Shit…is it his circulation again?
Concern pushed into his touch and he dragged his fingertips across Neji's back harder, as if to shred the shawl of ice that had wrapped itself around the long-haired ninja.
Neji's hands slipped beneath his turtleneck. "It's not in my blood…"
Shikamaru frowned at the strange words, then gasped as frozen fingertips traced out the warm planes of his torso, leeching heat but pulling up more. Cold thumbs arched and skimmed over the lean slabs of his chest, rolling across dusky nipples to drag higher.
The two ninja drew apart long enough for Shikamaru's turtleneck to be hauled off and cast aside. They came together again, drawn back instantly; Shikamaru's skin like fire, hot and flushed against the cold and damp marble of Neji's body. He pulled the Jōnin against him roughly, sharing warmth, trying to impress it, suffuse it.
"Need to get you warm," Shikamaru murmured against the base of Neji's throat, his lips marauding along the ivory column. "Move with me…"
And Neji did.
Shikamaru pressed forward in slow steps, moving them across the threadbare rug, through the flicker of shadows and candlelight to the edge of the bed. His hands never left Neji's body and the Hyūga's lips continued to trace every angle of his face, returning to his jaw and temples repeatedly.
Words weren't necessary to coordinate their movements.
Shikamaru nudged Neji back onto the bed, stepping out of his Chūnin pants before following him down slowly.
"Relax…" Shikamaru whispered, holding himself up on his elbows as he settled between Neji's legs, drawing his warmth like a mantle across the powerful form held rigid beneath him. "Relax…"
Neji's shaking hand swept up his spine to his nape, massaging gently.
Shikamaru shivered at the cold. "What the hell did you do? Stand under the cold spray?"
"No…" Neji shook his head, pale eyes shuttered to avoid eye contact. "But it's fitting…"
Shikamaru arched a brow, cocking his head. "Fitting?"
"Cold…" Neji said quietly, toneless and tired. "I've never truly been anything else…"
Shikamaru frowned, tapping their foreheads softly. "If you're gonna talk crap, at least look me in the eye and pretend you believe it."
Neji's brow furrowed beneath his. "I left you to bleed."
"That's not why you can't look at me…" Shikamaru swallowed thickly. "It's not because of what you did…it's because of what I said that made you do it."
"Gods just stop, Shikamaru."
I can't…
A dull ache smothered Shikamaru's words for a moment, holding his throat tight.
He shook his head, somehow managing to work out a murmur. "I can't stop…I never could…I don't even know how I started…"
And he didn't.
It had started in his blood, not his brain.
It had bypassed every logical process, because it wasn't something that he could contain, catalogue, control or cure with common sense or careful consideration. It wasn't cerebral. It had been carnal. And now it was something else. There were several points along the way he'd tried to turn tail and run from it. But every time he tried he just came full circle, rounding back on himself to chase down the source of what was stirring it up inside him.
"Whatever the hell that makes me…" he whispered.
He blinked in surprise when Neji's knuckles drew along his jaw. He caught a splash of discolouration out the corner of his eye and he turned his head to brush his lips across the torn knuckles.
"It makes you an idiot…" Neji said softly, but there was no bitterness in it.
"Yeah? I can live with that," Shikamaru murmured, his lips twisting in a half-smirk. "Not like anyone would believe it anyway."
Neji's knuckles slipped away. Shikamaru leaned down to nuzzle the Jōnin's neck, feeling the strain in the tight chords as Neji swallowed hard.
The shadow-nin kissed the tense column up to the jaw line.
Even animals didn't suffer in silence like this.
God, let it out…
He kissed Neji's shoulder, resting his head there as a cold hand came to settle at his back, fingertips trailing up the valley of his spine. The touch continued in a hypnotic stroke, lulling them both as Shikamaru fought to stay aware of the time slipping by. It was marked by the shift in Neji's breathing as it deepened and slowed, giving way to the weight of exhaustion.
Shikamaru shifted his weight carefully, enough to bracket his arms closer to Neji's body, trapping warmth and keeping skin-to-skin contact at as many points possible without tugging Neji's towel away.
That would pull up a different kind of heat in his blood.
But right now, his blood seemed to be flooding to a point in his chest that hurt a little more with every tremor he could feel running through Neji as the Hyūga gave in to sleep. Adrenalin, tension, cold and god knows what else all bleeding into his body.
Shikamaru felt the stroke along his spine slow and finally cease.
Allowing another few minutes to pass, he drew back by degrees, enough to gaze down at the sleeping face. Even in the butter-soft glow of candlelight, there was no mistaking the tension etched into Neji's expression.
The crafted features remained pinched…pained…
Shikamaru leaned down, settling his mouth above the curse mark. The fundamental barrier of the hitai-ate was gone. But rather than relief, guilt sawed through him; jagged and cruel. Despite this, he held to the hope that with this ambiguous display of trust and the last few pieces in place, he still had a chance to reach and reason with Neji before time forced his hand.
The throaty rattle of Neji's breath caused him to tense.
The Hyūga stirred beneath him.
Shit…
Shikamaru lifted away carefully, allowing for Neji to roll onto his side exhaustedly, long dark hair dragging against the sheets. Careful not to tangle his fingers in the damp silk, Shikamaru reached for the furs at the end of the bed. He tugged them up, dropping the heavy pelts to cocoon them, trapping the heat of his body close to Neji's.
The Jōnin didn't stir.
Shikamaru turned on his side, elbow propped as he set his face in his palm. He let his free hand settle at Neji's head, combing his fingers through the inky mass of hair. He kept his shuttered gaze fixed on the sleeping ninja and continued stroking his fingers through the mocha strands well after the last candle guttered and died.

The dream had become a haunting; which made it more than a nightmare.
It was made of memories, grotesquely exaggerated, morbidly psychedelic and twisted with flash-backs he spent his waking hours trying to forget.
Neji knew the only way to exorcise this haunting was to wake up.
Let me go…
They wouldn't let him go.
Hands settled at his shoulders…more hands moved in front of his face, forming signs…signs that seared something beneath his skin…his brow was burning…while spider's fangs began sinking deep into his shoulder, venom spreading through his veins, concentrating poison in his head...Kidōmaru was laughing...women were crying...but when he turned towards them, his movements were sluggish...he could see a shroud pulled over a corpse…
Father…
Hands came again...stern faces washed out by darkness...he was trying not to cry but there was no one to force a smile for...white eyes were boring into him...countless white through cage bars...and lips were shaping words he couldn't understand...the crying women were louder...but the roaring inside him was louder than those women ever could be...
Stop...
They didn't stop. Those white eyes looked past him to the corpse...but it wasn't dead...it was moving beneath that sheet, pale hands gnarled against the shroud...pulling at the death veil...and Neji was reaching between bars and pulling at it too...red blossomed beneath the sheet like a bloody rose...and Hizashi was screaming...
No!…Please!…
But Neji couldn't pull the shroud away fast enough...the sheet kept growing, no matter how much he pulled it doubled in length…doubled and flowed like white water until he was drowning in it...unable to draw air through the fibres of the cloth...and it clung to him, wet and saturated...he couldn't breathe...suffocated by Hyūga robes drenched in blood...the corpse's hand was on his skull, caressing then crushing until he felt that burning at his brow and the breaking of bone...it had never felt this real before...the pressure in his head…the pain in his lungs…the panic clawing up the back of his throat…contorting into a scream as tortured as his tears…
LET ME GO!
Neji jerked awake, a hoarse gasp tearing from his throat as he tried to twist out from the heavy furs wrapped around him, shaking, sweating and torn between reality and nightmare.
Something curled around him. Something warm. "Neji…breathe…"
The air wouldn't come and he tried to drag it past the rock of iron lodged in his throat. He swallowed the sticky copper of blood and hacked out a bone rattling cough, curling over and shuddering.
Stop…stop...stop...
The warmth enfolded him tighter, dragging him back. "Neji…"
"Let me go…" Neji choked out, gritting his teeth against the pain swelling inside his chest, pressing outward against his ribs until he was certain they were cracking…cracking like his voice… "God…let me go…"
"I can't let you go…not if you're goin' there…come back…" a smoky voice drifted along the terror-torn edges of his mind. "It's not real …"
It's never been more real…
"Neji…come here…" Shikamaru's voice.
Neji shuddered as he was pulled back against skin that felt warm and firm against the cold sweat filming his body.
Weak…weak…weak…
The nightmares had never felt so real before. And it had never been his father crushing his skull. Imprinting that pain and punishing him for something he couldn't understand.
"Fuck…" Neji curled forward, trying to grab his head, as if he could reach in and tear out the visions.
An arm draped around him and drew him back again, back into an embrace he didn't fight.
Couldn't fight…
Just this once…gods…I'm so tired…
"Breathe slowly…" Shikamaru murmured at his ear, the soft, low tones as soothing as the press of lips against his shoulder and the tap of fingers against his stomach.
As natural as muscle memory, Neji responded to the steady tap and sought a baseline of breathing from the rise and fall of Shikamaru's chest against his back. The panic clawing through him loosened its grip, relaxing the muscles of his throat enough for him to drag cold air down the parched airway.
His heartbeat began to slow, finding its rhythm in tandem with the steady beat of Shikamaru's fingers.
"Just breathe…" Shikamaru murmured into his hair. "You've got this, remember?"
Remember…
It took a long moment for reality to completely centre itself in Neji's mind. But the second it did, knowing that Shikamaru had witnessed another atrocious onslaught of weakness made the shame blister and burn more bitterly inside him. He had precious little but his pride to cling to in these moments, a dignity stripped away like his breath.
Shikamaru's arm lifted from its drape and the stroke of fingers ran through Neji's hair, rubbing his head gently.
"It's okay…"
Neji frowned. Vulnerability left him torn and open – too open. He immediately scrambled for a defence.
"It's weak," he spat, but the bitterness was brittle in his voice.
"It's not weak," Shikamaru murmured, hooking his chin over Neji's shoulder and draping his arm over Neji's waist. "It's human."
Neji frowned, wondering at the oxymoronic quality those words always seemed to take when Shikamaru used them. "You say this…every time I am at my least human…"
Shikamaru hummed drowsily, his sleep-hoarse voice rolling at Neji's ear. "Gotta remind you to remember when you forget that you are…"
Neji paused at the jumbled words, glancing over his shoulder. The gesture was signal enough. Shikamaru sloughed a sigh through his nose, his lips moving softly against Neji's jaw.
"Yeah…that was stupid simple in my head…"
The Nara's arm tightened around him briefly, then relaxed.
The easy embrace prompted Neji to turn slowly. Shikamaru's arm lifted long enough to allow him the movement before the long limb draped over him again.
Simple contact.
One of uncomplicated acceptance, which Neji couldn't understand.
Shikamaru displayed a senseless, dangerous trust that went against the grain of reason and recent injury. Neji had done nothing to earn this trust and enough to destroy it twice over. But Shikamaru offered it again…and again…without hesitation or fear that it would be thrown in his face.
Gods don't give me this…I'll crush it…and kill it…I can't…
Neji's pale eyes picked out Shikamaru's face like chalk on a blackboard, features etched into darkness by strokes of moonlight highlighting his sharp jaw and cheekbone.
The dark eyes were closed.
God, they'd seen so much…seen through to what Neji was so tired of fighting…
Fighting was all he knew how to do…
But his weapons were gone…his defences crumbling…
He gazed at Shikamaru in confusion, a steady burn stinging like acid in his eyes.
How the shadow-nin could remain so steady and trusting after the amount of times Neji had crashed against him in violence and bitterness no longer disturbed or angered the Hyūga…it did something far worse. It frightened him…because no matter how hard he smashed the tide of his rage and pain against Shikamaru…he only found himself breaking…and the cruel thing was…
I need this…
Neji almost choked on his ragged whisper. "You bastard…"
Shikamaru's eyes slipped open a little…then widened.

For a long moment Shikamaru just stared.
His lips parted, but words withered in his throat as it tightened.
He hadn't known what the hell he'd find standing in Neji's eyes. Rage or untrusting emptiness. But instead of the hollow gaze of a ninja pushed too far…he found what he'd been searching for staring back at him…
Neji…
Like moonlight off the water, Neji's eyes were shimmering. Liquid orbs vulnerable and glistening with emotion so raw and achingly human it crushed Shikamaru's breath.
But those tears wouldn't fall.
Even without their glassy armour, they held in Neji's eyes as stubbornly as everything else the Hyūga was holding in and holding back.
Shikamaru swallowed hard, lifting his hand to stroke his knuckles along Neji's jaw.
"Neji…"
A gossamer sadness rippled across Neji's face – tired and forlorn.
Old, familiar pain…
Shikamaru shook his head, rising up on his elbow to hover over the Jōnin. He settled his lips at Neji's brow, tracing down to his temple, along his high cheek and down to the Hyūga's mouth.
"If you need to hate me…" he whispered. "Then hate me."
Damp crescents of moonstone gazed up, pulling him in. Shikamaru tilted his head like a captivated animal, gazing quietly until Neji's fingertips traced over his mouth. The shadow-nin turned his head, pressing a kiss to the pulse-point at Neji's wrist.
"I don't hate you…" Neji said, the words almost chafing in his throat. "I can't…"
You could…
Shikamaru knew that. He knew it even more keenly in every waking moment as time pushed them closer to a procedure that would fix one thing and inevitably break another – unless Neji let go of the pain he was trying to control.
There's always a cost…I knew that…
Shikamaru closed his eyes, reiterating the feeble logic over and over in his mind.
If it saves your life…I can take you hating me…I can still do it…
He dropped his head to Neji's shoulder, muscles rigid in rejection of his own reasoning.
And I can keep on lying like it doesn't mean a thing...I'm good at that…
He was good at running away too. Running from the truth would be easy. The truth was something chased after. The truth didn't chase you back down.
Regret did that instead.
Shikamaru clenched his jaw against the onslaught of sadness, of a reluctance and guilt he'd been neutralising with logic and detachment that just didn't exist anymore.
"Wanting to hate you isn't enough," Neji murmured against his temple. "I should need to..."
Shikamaru caught the distinction. "Why?"
"Because by not hating you…it makes hurting you insufferable…" He heard Neji swallow thickly. "And I can't protect you from myself…feeling the way I do…the way I didn't think I could."
Shikamaru's jaw tightened, his breath breaking low in his throat as he pressed his mouth to the Hyūga's shoulder, to his throat, his jaw, and above the lips that parted beneath his.
Fuck…tell me how to stop wanting you…
The guilt twisted deeper and crueller inside him.
Tell me how to stop needing this…
Shikamaru swayed his hips to place himself between Neji's carved thighs, dragging a hand down along the delineated muscle to grasp a sharp hip. He deepened the kiss, searching for breath to steal and surrender.
Tell me how to stop…
Neji arched beneath him, a slow but powerful movement that rocked Shikamaru just short of throwing him off. He pressed back harder, grinding down. He felt the hot, hard jut of Neji's arousal straining through the fabric of the towel twisted between them.
"Shikamaru…"
The purr of his name undid something in his head and unbidden, words slipped from the shadow-nin's tongue, bypassing his brain completely.
"I want you…" Shikamaru breathed the words against Neji's mouth, sealing them with a glide of his tongue across the kiss swollen lips. "Fuck, Neji…I need you."
He ripped away the crumpled towel until their skin came together with a glide of sensual static. It crackled along nerve endings and fired up blood, dancing along ridges and planes of muscle.
Neji's lips trailed to his ear, teeth scraping along the sensitive shell. "Show me."
A new thunder, tender and stirring, began to roll between them.

Neji had never been so strongly aroused by simply watching another body move.
Carving Shikamaru into a fever with his hands, pulled more power to his fingers than chakra ever could.
Beneath his fingers Shikamaru came alive.
"Shikamaru…" his voice melted away into air left smoky with the sound of Shikamaru's breathing.
Neji kept one hand between their bodies, stroking Shikamaru's rigid flesh and ignoring his own as he controlled the pace.
Shikamaru's fingers dug into his thigh.
Neji watched him, gazing with intensity more potent than his Byakugan vision.
Shikamaru was a silver-laced silhouette; lean and shifting muscle cut in erotic definition.
It enflamed Neji to the point of fighting back the primal urge to possess. But more powerful than that carnal need, was a desire to emblazon every moment in his mind; every sound, every scent, every shift of muscle beneath skin.
"Neji…" a breathy rasp.
Neji smiled and breathed in every soft, husky pant the shadow-nin fed into his mouth, asking for more with the feathering of his tongue along Shikamaru's lips. The Nara obliged, tilting his head as their mouths opened together, tongues rolling over teeth to tangle in a slow, sultry dance.
He thumbed Shikamaru's dripping slit slowly.
The kiss broke on a gasp. Shikamaru's teeth clenched as he tilted his head back, unable to roll his hips or seek more contact due to Neji's granite thighs locked around him like a vice from below.
"Fuck…Neji…"
"Slowly," Neji murmured, kneading his other hand along Shikamaru's back. "You learn fast. Breathe."
I need to see you feeling this…
The drowsy, jaded skin that Shikamaru wore, almost chameleon in its ability to shift like his shadows, completely shredded beneath Neji's hands, torn away by a heat that passed from the Nara's burning skin straight through to Neji's blood.
"You're burning, Shikamaru…" Neji purred softly against his lips, kissing his jaw, sucking the salty skin of the Nara's throat. "Like fire on my tongue."
Shikamaru shuddered above him, lean muscles rippling. "How…the hell…can you be poetic…when…fuck…"
"Breathe, Nara. Control it."
"Not…a Hyūga…"
"You're doing very well." Neji smiled faintly, not even realising the affection warming his eyes as his gaze stroked over Shikamaru's face. "Who else has seen you like this?"
Shikamaru's eyes widened at the question before he looked away. A score of heat scraped across his cheekbones. "Tch…"
Neji's lips curved and he propped himself up further on his elbows to set their faces closer together. "Tell me."
Shikamaru shook his head. "No."
Neji cocked his head, bumping their lips. "How many others have touched you like I have, Shikamaru?"
Shikamaru scowled, but the expression was destroyed by the flush across his cheeks. It pulled more warmth into Neji's eyes and he kissed the shadow-nin slowly, steadily releasing the clamp of his thighs to let Shikamaru's hips sink down against him. He swept his hands back up the fever-hot skin, bowing his head to the crook of Shikamaru's shoulder as their bodies locked.
Instantly the thick, solid heat of Shikamaru's arousal rode hard and proud against his own erection, the velvet tips brushing in a slick kiss. The pleasure shivered between them and both ninja shuddered.
"Neji…" Shikamaru panted, sliding one hand up the Hyūga's back, the other hooking behind Neji's knee. "Move…"
Neji rocked forward as Shikamaru sat back on folded legs, tugging the long-haired Jōnin into his lap. Neji straddled the Nara's hips and they locked together again, his long mane swaying with the movement. He cupped the back of Shikamaru's head to draw him into another blistering kiss.
He barely registered Shikamaru's hand sliding up along his spine, fingers grazing higher…higher until…
"Ngh!" Neji jerked, breaking the kiss on a gasp.
Pleasure flooded along his spine, blossomed outward and fanned along his shoulders like unseen wings spreading at his back. The sensation shivered south, swelling him harder and hotter until he dripped with need against the slick glide of Shikamaru's answering arousal.
"Your turn to burn…" Shikamaru slanted his head, feeding the low, sultry purr of his words between Neji's lips as he rolled the pads of his fingers around the sensitized vertebrae.
"Fuck…" Neji hissed, dark lashes flickering shut as he shuddered, his head tipping back.
It opened up his throat.
Shikamaru's tongue rasped along the tight chords. "Poetic," the shadow-nin teased.
Neji squeezed Shikamaru's nape in mock punishment, dropping his brow back at the strong curve of shoulder, hissing at the pleasure blazing along his nerves. But it wasn't enough…he wanted it to sear a path…sear through the numbness…the dull, endless ache…
"Tear me up…" he breathed, tightening his grip at Shikamaru's nape.
Shikamaru's fingers stopped rubbing. "What?"
"Tear me up…"
Shikamaru's palm came to cradle the back of Neji's head, fingers sliding into the thick mane to get a gentle grip. "Look at me…"
Neji felt those soft words lacerate his pride.
He tensed up, exposed and torn between the war of need and control. A tug on his hair drew his head back. He allowed it, raising his jaw to an angle of defiance as he gazed at Shikamaru's mouth, opal eyes heavily shuttered.
"Neji…"
"Tear me up…" he gritted the words out, delivering them as a challenge. "Do it."
Shikamaru's eyes narrowed at the command, only to soften moments later. Neji hesitated at this look, not sure how to receive it. He swallowed thickly, drawing back as the vulnerability festered like an open wound inside him. But before he could attempt to fight for a defence, Shikamaru's arm came to vine around him in an easy embrace, drawing him closer until the shadow-nin's lips settled against his, brushing softly, slowly.
Neji frowned, not knowing what this meant.
He cautiously parted his lips, only to feel the husky seep of Shikamaru's breath, rather than his tongue. "No one."
"What?"
"No one's seen me or touched me like you have."
Neji blinked at the sudden, unexpected confession, eyes narrowing as he drew back, brow furrowed in silent question and doubt.
Shikamaru shook his head, looking uneasy and uncomfortable, but there was no lie in his eyes. "Not like you have."
And there it was; the flicker of vulnerability beneath the unease. Neji saw it skitter across the surface of Shikamaru's face like a shadow. With those words, Shikamaru had stepped onto the same raw, open territory – and once again, Neji was floored by the shadow-nin's lack of guard. Shikamaru was baring his throat. Again. He'd done it before both literally and figuratively.
Neji's expression softened.
Shikamaru averted his gaze.
The display of self-consciousness laced a faint smile at Neji's lips. He tilted his head, kissing the shadow-nin's temple softly, sliding his mouth to the Nara's ear, his voice a deep, melodious rumble.
"Do you want a slow burn, Shikamaru…?"

Darkness wrapped around the cabin like a sheet.
With the sway of leaves beyond the window, the moonlight seemed to undulate in the room. It cast an illusion of milky waves across bodies that moved as slow and sensual as a tide.
Shikamaru's breath rolled over Neji's skin like water over rocks.
Lingering kisses cleansed the blemishes on the Hyūga's body, turning scars and bruises into something different beneath Shikamaru's mouth.
"Shikamaru…"
The Nara's hands gripped tighter at the sound of his name. He never failed to respond to the way Neji's voice caressed it. It should have alarmed him. But it only aroused him. He rewarded the Jōnin with a hot breath across the wet tip of Neji's erection, placing his lips close enough that his words reverberated along the jutting length.
"Open your eyes. Watch…"
Neji slid his elbows beneath him, sweat-slick skin tightening as Shikamaru parted his sculpted thighs. Kneading the strong legs, Shikamaru listened to the soft, shallow pants, his dark eyes transfixed on Neji's face as the Hyūga's eyes fluttered open, gazing down at him.
Opal on onyx.
Shikamaru held the eye-contact, his lips grazing the velvety tip of the thick head poised at his mouth, dipping his tongue into the slit to catch the pearly droplets leaking like tears. Neji shuddered, a ragged sound catching in his throat, but he didn't close his eyes.
Shikamaru blinked slowly, communicating without words.
Neji blinked back, schooling his breathing.
The shadow-nin waited, gauging everything by Neji's eyes before he slowly drew the thick head into his mouth, tongue curling to tease and torture the sensitive underside. It pulled a deep, throaty moan from so low in Neji's throat it was almost a growl.
It tore tongues of flame through Shikamaru.
He took Neji deeper, one hand clamped at the Hyūga's hip to control any movement, the other snaking across the furs to the salve pot he'd pulled from his flak-jacket. Neji's eyes didn't follow these movements and the gentlest graze of Shikamaru's teeth kept those cloudy hues focused solely on him.
Sucking softly, he wrenched another quiet, breathy groan from the Jōnin's lips.
The intimacy of their stare burned hotter.
"Gods, come here, Nara…" Neji panted.
Shikamaru arched a brow, placed a parting press of his lips to the weeping slit and then worked his mouth back up along the firm slabs of Neji's stomach, visiting each bruise on the Hyūga's chest until a drag of his tongue ended beneath Neji's jaw.
He sucked the skin until the pulse throbbed.
It was life-affirming…
Alive…breathing...god don't make me hurt you…
Shikamaru cursed the damning, sudden thought, because it shot ice through the fire inside him. He shuddered, leaning into Neji when the Hyūga's palm stroked along his spine up to his nape and higher yet to grip his hair-tie.
Shikamaru stiffened.
Neji hummed questioningly against his ear. "Why?"
Shikamaru shrugged, kissing along Neji's throat softly. "It's troublesome."
"How can anyone get a grip on you, Shikamaru?" Neji asked, his low, sensual tones carrying an undercurrent that prompted Shikamaru to turn his head.
"Anyone doesn't," the Nara murmured, stealing a kiss.
Just you…somehow…fuck…
And damn if that didn't scare the hell out of him.
Shikamaru tried to push the thought away as he felt the pull at his scalp and the firm thread of Neji's fingers through the shards of his loose hair. He tipped his head back into the caress, hissing as teeth sank against his throat, branding salty skin.
"You still taste like fire," Neji murmured.
Then let me burn…in hell or here…I need this…
Shikamaru sucked in a breath. He rolled his hips hard, rocking forward to press Neji down beneath him, sliding their straining arousals together. He caught Neji's mouth slowly, seduction flickering across his dark eyes just like a flame.
"Tell me what you want," he whispered.
Neji sighed, closing his eyes.
The pained look softened the heat in Shikamaru's eyes. "Neji…"
The Jōnin reached up to draw him down. "I'm tired of this cold…"
Neji pulled Shikamaru into the kiss…and the kiss pulled them into the fire.

From the moment they'd first touched, it had been elemental.
Neji had known it instinctively.
And he'd wondered at it, wrestled with it, warred with it and tried to walk away from it until the static of attraction and need had ripped his control down the centre like lightning. Which is why when they fought, whether with words or respective weapons, they always caught a spark. When they let it take a hold, that spark spread like wildfire.
But now, Shikamaru held it at a smoulder, drawing it out into a pleasure that ebbed rather than crashed, that spread rather than swept away.
It turned every nerve ending into an ember.
And every touch made it flare.
The rhythm was slow, like their breathing.
The deep, languid kiss matched the steady roll of Shikamaru's hips, a grind that was beginning to break Neji down, eroding the rock of his remaining control. It was a strange feeling. He'd only known surrender and submission from lovers. They yielded to him every time, regardless of any initial attempt at a challenge. He'd dominated every one. Every bit the consummate and carnal male. He'd never harboured or even entertained the desire to yield to anyone. It went against his pride, preference and principles as one who valued control and refused to be owned.
He was owned by enough people.
Neji broke the kiss slowly, resting his head back as Shikamaru reached between their bodies, stroking them both together in tandem with the deep slough of their breaths. The slick, slippery sensation was heightened by the mysterious salve Shikamaru had somehow manifested. Though given the rate at which they were both leaking pleasure, he didn't think it was necessary.
But it added oil to fire.
The slick sensation slid lower until Shikamaru's fingers cupped and caressed his velvet sac, causing the embers in his blood to glow.
"Yes…" Neji hissed, arching as Shikamaru's mouth drank down his breathy groan.
But when those fingers slipped lower, grazing that smooth patch of skin just above his entrance, Neji tensed up, withdrawing his tongue from Shikamaru's mouth sharply. The shadow-nin stopped, tilting his head as he gazed down.
"Neji…"
Neji glanced up warily.
There was no certainty in the shared gaze. No knowing. No logic.
No sense of what came before or what would come after.
Just a raw sensation of the burn building between them…
Neji would never ask, but it didn't need to be said. Shikamaru read it in his eyes the second he arched his hips and lifted his head. The kiss was slow, as slow as the rub of Shikamaru's fingers as they began to move.
Neji choked down a groan.
"Don't hold back, Neji…" Shikamaru whispered, voice husky, his throat sounding parched. "Let me hear you…"
"No…" Neji gasped, a lick of defiance pushing through.
Shikamaru watched him, panting against his mouth. "Don't fight me…not with this…not this time."
Easier said…
Neji clenched his jaw, teeth grit stubbornly behind the swollen press of his lips, not offering a sound even as his body shook, his arousal dripping heavily between them.
Gods…
Shikamaru called his name quietly, drawing his gaze to the Nara's mouth, which curved slowly in a smile that could have finished Neji then and there for all the salacious seduction it held, but the warmth in Shikamaru's voice was tender, stirring.
"Neji…let me in…"
No sooner had he said it than Neji felt the slow circling of a slick finger at his portal. The sensation caused him to go rigid immediately.
"Let me in…"
The slide of Shikamaru's tongue along the seal of his lips was mimicked in the slow press of Shikamaru's finger against the tight ring of muscle. Neji inhaled sharply, tensing against the intrusion. Shikamaru's tongue parted his lips, stroking along his teeth as that finger probed deeper…like a hot knife through his pride.
Weak…
Neji hissed and thrust his tongue into Shikamaru's mouth before the Nara's tongue could invade his own, staking a claim at the same time that probing finger slid deeper inside him.
Conflict, challenge and control stirred inside him – automatic defences.
He breathed heavily through his nose and slid one hand around to Shikamaru's nape to get a solid grip in the dark hair, fisting his fingers as he arched his hips roughly, grinding down, forcing that invading digit deeper, harder.
"Careful," Shikamaru panted, frowning as he drew back. "Slow down."
"No…" Neji growled, slanting his head to draw Shikamaru into another fierce kiss.
The instinctive need to dominate his own yielding pulled up aggression that Shikamaru moved to tame with his eyes alone. He hovered out of reach of the kiss until Neji was forced to look him in the eye.
"Slow down," the shadow-nin said, his voice thick and rough.
"No."
"This isn't about tearing you up."
"Isn't it?" Neji bit back, but his eyes lacked the bitterness of his words. "Maybe that's what I want."
Shikamaru hiked a brow at that.
"No. You want to fight because you can't accept me doing this..." the Nara thrust his finger right to the knuckle, causing Neji to hiss and flinch, "without your pride telling you I'm trying to control you or get you to submit."
"Fuck you…" Neji spat, the accuracy of Shikamaru's words once again striking a raw nerve. Unfortunately his nerves were like embers and his body burned rather than bristled.
Fuck…
Shikamaru's lips were at his ear a second later. "You could kill me easily, you know that? You could knock me back and take control at any damn second…you know that and so do I…so tell me…" Shikamaru twisted his wrist a little and Neji felt that finger crooking painfully inside him until it hit something that sent fire to every cell.
Kami!
Neji arched, muscles snapping taut as pleasure flashed through him.
"Tell me…" Shikamaru watched him intently. "How the hell is this about me controlling you?"
Neji's gasped raggedly, shuddering as he fisted his fingers in Shikamaru's hair, his arm shaking. "F-Fuck…"
"I've told you before that this…" Shikamaru continued, gently grazing that deeply buried spot, "isn't about submission…or control…"
Neji hissed again, delirious with a riot of sensation he'd heard about but never experienced. It took him a moment to process Shikamaru's words through the mixed fever of desire and discomfort.
"Then what…ngh…" Neji clenched his eyes shut, head tipping back as he felt the barest pain of another finger slowly inching its way inside him.
"I don't want submission…" Shikamaru whispered, fingers gentling as he worked the tight channel. "I don't want control…"
Neji frowned at those words, forcing his body into a restrained shake as he slipped his lashes open half-way. "Then what…do you want, Nara?"
"Troublesome, Hyūga," Shikamaru murmured, his lips caressing Neji's as he spoke the words into the Jōnin's panting mouth. "You. I just want you."
The second those words pierced the fog of his conflict, it happened.
Yearning opened up inside Neji.
A yearning to feel something more than the frozen air suffocated in his chest. Something more than the sensation of being cold and growing colder…something more than the mask Shikamaru had seen through…something more than all of this because…
I still can't breathe…
"Neji…"
Neji's eyes lifted from Shikamaru's mouth.
They locked onto the burn of coal-black orbs.
The tenderness in those eyes seared straight through him, stripping him raw right to the marrow of his bones.
The sadness pulled up through his blood, heavy and hurting and hoarse in his throat.
It tugged at him now, so strong it ached.
"I'm asking you, for once, to be a little less strong."
Their brows tapped and he stared into the dark, deep pools of Shikamaru's eyes.
It was the kind of black water he could lose himself in.
I already have…
And just as he knew this…some part of him knew that in these black waters, Shikamaru would be the rock he'd break himself against…before the scars closed up around his heart completely.
Just this once…

"Then come here, Shikamaru…" Neji whispered thickly.
When fingers cupped the back of Shikamaru's head, he was already slanting their mouths together. Lips parted at the same time and tongues sought equal possession of the kiss.
Hunger drove it, desperation anchored it and sadness softened it.
They pressed closer to each other, drawn by a sensation of unseen threads weaving between them. Threads that had been cut and hacked through hours before, now roping back together; but the design was different.
It wasn't some fairytale tapestry lacing out a fragile promise.
It wasn't perfect, beautiful or happily-ever-after.
The threads were heartstrings, sinew, veins and nerves.
It was red and raw and rough around the edges.
It was real…
The connection pulled tighter, knotted hard like scar tissue, hurt like hell…but it was strong…
Too strong…I can't fight this…
He felt conflict sting at the corners of his eyes, the moist sheen reflective in the darkness as he gazed into slivers of liquid white. Neji kissed his brow. Then their lips brushed softly, mouths parting to hover close without tongues touching. Breath passed back and forth between them in an intimacy neither had known existed before each other.
Shikamaru sank into it like a man pulled under.
Dropping his shoulder, he kept his eyes on Neji's face as he pressed one wet finger back into the gripping heat. Neji's lips parted, his breath halving raggedly. Shikamaru paused, waited and then probed deeper, crooking inside the tight channel, angling his touch, searching for…
Neji's breath caught, hips lifting slowly. "Fuck…"
"Here?"
"Yes…"
Shikamaru catalogued the angle, massaging slow circles as he carefully worked another digit into the tight channel, his lips skimming a high-boned cheek as he mapped out Neji's expression with his mouth. It pinched in pain beneath his lips. He kissed away the tension as he stretched the Jōnin slowly, deeply, urged on by the hoarse, breathy noises catching in the back of Neji's throat.
"Shikamaru…" Neji hissed, twisting. "Enough…"
Shikamaru stilled, heavy-lidded eyes tracing over Neji's face searchingly. "You want me to stop?"
"No…" Neji shook his head, gripping Shikamaru's backside in a non-too-subtle clutch. "I need you to start…"
Need roared inside Shikamaru like an inferno, licking at his blood, smouldering in his eyes. He could feel himself pulsing, so hard and aroused he was shaking with the force of trying to contain it. He carefully tugged his fingers free from the stretched channel, watching Neji's eyes flash beneath the shutter of dark lashes, muscles coiled beneath glistening skin.
Still predatory…still lethal…
The urge to plunge into the powerful, satin magma of the Hyūga's body was maddening.
Shikamaru felt caught in the grip of a need he couldn't name. A need that laced his tongue and slid into the kiss Neji lured him into; slow and sensual with a hint of salt. The wet caress deepened, forcing them to breathe through their noses to keep from drowning.
But it was pulling Shikamaru under; faster, deeper.
Slow down…shit…slow down…
He broke the kiss on a soft pant, cinching their foreheads as he smoothed damp and clinging strands away from Neji's face with one hand, brushing his thumb across the Hyūga's temple. He braced himself on an elbow, reaching his salve-slicked hand between their bodies, coating the rock-hard pillar of his arousal, already slippery from the fluids dripping thickly between them.
"Relax…"
"Impossible…" Neji snorted. "Idiot," he added softly.
Shikamaru winced and a breathy chuckle rattled out of him, wry and a little shaky due to the painful, throbbing ache between his legs. "Yeah, okay…fuck…"
He didn't see Neji smile slightly, but he felt it against his lips as the Jōnin stole a kiss, gliding his tongue into Shikamaru's mouth. Shikamaru hummed and a sinuous shift of his hips, aided by a returning lift of Neji's, aligned him with the Hyūga's slick portal. He felt Neji's hands grip his flexing glutes as he nudged forward slowly. The barest pressure of a barely-there penetration drew a hiss from both of them.
Fuck…yes…
He pulled in a steady breath to control himself, concentrating every ounce of effort into relaxing the muscles needed to reign in some of the ecstasy smouldering through him. Their tongues thrust together slowly as Neji's fingers dug in again, urging him forward into a slow breaching that forced the thick head past the initial ring of resistance.
Holy...God…damn…
Neji clenched around him.
FUCK!
Shikamaru could have sworn his brain short circuited for a moment and he blacked out.
But the pained shatter of Neji's breath against his lips caused his eyes to snap open and his body to freeze. He tugged his head back, muscles locked and trembling with restraint as he gazed down in concern.
"Neji?"
Pale eyes blinked slowly, narrowing in a wince that Neji wouldn't voice. Pride held his body tighter than a fist around the pulsing head of Shikamaru's shaft.
Shit…
The shadow-nin frowned, concern rough in his voice. "Are you—" he cut off as Neji's fingers traced out his strained expression.
"You should…ngh…see the look…on your face…" Neji panted out tightly, crystalline eyes flickering with too many emotions for Shikamaru to decipher.
The shadow-nin blinked at the unexpected words; a stab at humour to slacken the pain and tension…something to distract from the vulnerability. Shikamaru tilted his head into the shaky stroke of Neji's fingers through his hair. He made no show to hide his concern, frowning as held himself rigid above Neji, panting harshly.
"Stop…frowning…" Neji ordered softly, clenching around Shikamaru until the expression melted and the Nara fought to keep his eyes from rolling back. "Your move…Shikamaru…so...move…"
Shikamaru shivered, bowing his head as he regained a little control. He pushed forward slowly, inch by inch, the hot, pulsing steel of his flesh sinking deeper, deeper…
"Ahn…" Neji's head dropped back, his heel dragging up slowly.
Shikamaru watched him, barely able to breathe due to the heat, the pressure and the sense of sinking into a depth of gripping ecstasy he didn't know existed. It felt like penetrating the very core of pleasure. He fought the instinct to bury himself in a single, sharp thrust and controlled the primal urge by watching Neji's face.
And it was in watching Neji that he truly felt himself sinking…or was it falling?
Fuck…no…dangerous…
Fear spiked through him, but it was obliterated by the twist of pain on Neji's face, immediately drawing him to brace his elbows either side of the tense body still fighting its intrusion.
"Neji…" he whispered, brushing his lips tenderly across the regal face beaded with sweat.
Neji shuddered, moving rigidly to take the final inches, trying to accommodate the thick girth. "If you…tell me…to relax…I'll…kill you…"
Shikamaru smiled and might have believed it if not for the faintly teasing look Neji shot him as the Hyūga slipped his eyes open, only to flutter them half-shut again when Shikamaru settled flush against him, sheathed to the hilt.
I think…I already died…god…so…fuck…
His brain was beyond processing an adjective to describe it…
He was pretty sure his brain had shut down completely.
He dropped his head to Neji's shoulder and groaned.
They remained fused for a moment, both shuddering from the intensity of being locked together. He heard Neji's breathing at his ear, fast and harsh, his grip almost painful, bruising. Shikamaru pressed down experimentally and gave a slow roll of his hips.
The friction was fire.
Neji arched slowly, rigid muscles rending like metal as the tension in his body began to creak and groan at the hinges. "Shikamaru…"
"God…you feel so damn good…" Shikamaru gasped at his ear, grinding without withdrawing, searching for that angle he'd hit with his fingers. "Too good…"
The sharp buck of Neji's hips was the signal. "Gods…there...harder…"
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Shikamaru panted, struggling to curb that ravenous hunger eating into his restraint. Neji was still clenching around him, making it increasingly difficult to think or breathe. The force of his own need was beginning to alarm him…
"Now you're…the one…who's fighting…don't…" Neji's fingers tangled in his hair, raking it back from his face to level their gazes. "Don't…"
Shikamaru swallowed thickly.
Fuck…I'm not fighting you…I'm fighting me…
"Shikamaru..."
Shikamaru leaned down at the call of his name, claiming the mouth that opened for him, thrusting into the wet heat in time with the shallow thrust of his hips. Neji lifted into the slow grind, meeting Shikamaru with a powerful roll that rocked pleasure from one body into the other – back and forth, slow and deep.
The embers began to flare again.
Shikamaru hissed. The trapped, swollen length of Neji's arousal pulsed against his stomach. He pressed down harder, grinding against that cluster of buried nerves. A breathy groan rattled up Neji's throat, reverberating along Shikamaru's tongue. He swallowed it down, the sound feeding into the pit of fire searing and roaring inside him.
God…yes…
Shaking, he braced himself on one arm, kneading his free hand along Neji's thigh, admiring the power in the trembling muscle before he dipped his arm and hooked Neji's knee into the crook of his elbow, lifting as he drew back slowly, only to drive forward in a thrust that tore the air from Neji's lungs in a strangled moan.
"Fuck...more..."
Shikamaru obliged, drawing back and driving deep in a jolt that lifted Neji off the bed, holding him taut and shaking before he dropped, gasping, before Shikamaru drove again, lifting him higher.
Shikamaru kept the pace languid, but the pressure fierce.
They rocked in a seamless rhythm, slaves to the music of moans so deep and stirring the cadence carved itself into Shikamaru's mind like a mantra.
They lost themselves to each other.
"God…how can you…think that you're cold…" Shikamaru rumbled the words against Neji's throat, biting down as the rippling walls tightened around him. "Fuck…you're burning…"
Neji thawed beneath Shikamaru, melting into a lithe dance led purely by the beat of that erotic language their bodies had created. It was native to them now and they spoke it seamlessly. Synchronising effortlessly, waking up life in Shikamaru that tore away the bored, jaded veil from his senses.
He was alive, enflamed.
Blood turned to lava. And that lava flowed through them, building and brimming in cores that trembled. The intensity blistered the air around them and licked along their skin like uncontrolled chakra. He could feel Neji leaking hot and wet between them, dripping warm cream. The musky scent intoxicated Shikamaru like a hallucinogen. He drove harder, not knowing where he began and Neji ended as the heat began to suffuse, began to spread.
He felt the Hyūga's fingers dig into his shoulder blades. "Ngh…f…fuck…"
Roused by Neji's voice, Shikamaru leaned down, thrusting harder, striking that buried spot with the force of a mallet, pulling increasingly shattered pants from Neji's throat. He watched the Hyūga through heavy-lidded eyes, spellbound, transfixed, lost in glazed pools of white.
God…just watching you…
Shikamaru committed every motion to memory, watching as those clouded eyes drifted shut, as the Jōnin's lips parted around silent cries, no sound issuing forth. He didn't have to voice it for Shikamaru to hear it. Neji's body was screaming for him, every muscle tightening and straining, searching for that edge every solid thrust drove him towards.
But as Shikamaru watched him, he saw the struggle playing just beneath the surface of a beautiful surrender, a release so close. "Neji…it's all right…"
"I can't…"
Shikamaru slowed his thrusts, gentling the pace as he settled their lips. "Can't?"
Neji shuddered, gripping him harder. "I can't…breathe…fuck…I can't breathe…"
Shikamaru stilled almost instantly, panting harshly as he used his grip on Neji's knee to hoist the Hyūga's leg over his hip, folding the sculpted leg to lock around him as he pressed closer.
"Yes you can…"
Neji's fingers dug so deep Shikamaru knew he was already bruised, bleeding beneath the skin…he knew Neji was too...in a different place…a place he could feel beating fiercely against his chest…
Let me fix it…god…please…
"Fuck…I can't…" Neji clenched his jaw, and Shikamaru's lips skimmed along the tight slant.
"Because you're holding your breath…" Shikamaru whispered, his words shaking with more than just restraint. "Stop holding it…let it go…let it out…let go with me…"
And he began to move again, slowly, with building force, until Neji was sharing his breath in ragged pants and arching beneath him like a bow-string set to snap.
"Shikamaru…"
"I'm with you…let go..."
Shikamaru felt himself teetering just heartbeats behind, his entire body aching with pleasure except for the organ in his chest, which ached with something else as the world began to fill with fire.
Moonlight caught Neji's eyes.
Shikamaru fused their gazes.
Without words they read each other as they neared the edge; the desire, the surprise and the bitter desperation that came from knowing, again, that this need would only happen with each other. And Shikamaru felt that need in the stiffening limbs locked around him and in the hot sanctum gripping him tighter…pulling him in deeper…harder…closer…
And then Neji broke…
He came apart beneath Shikamaru with a strangled, guttural cry…a sound of raw and aching ecstasy...shot through with pain…and it tore up from so deep inside him that it gripped Shikamaru by the heart…sank into him like fangs…and ripped him off the edge of release…casting him into the same breathless oblivion...
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Break to Breathe