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The Canalized River	By : susanna Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 944 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 34
- 35
- 36
A/N
at the end of the chapter

Chapter
Thirty-Five: Return to the Land of the Living

Unnoticed
by Juugo or Naruto, Sasuke had been lying awake for quite some time.
He had woken up when Naruto had been outside to think for himself,
and for some minutes Sasuke had been in panic, fearing that Naruto
might have gone for good. He had known that his fear was irrational,
that after three years of pursuing him in spite of every rejection
and threat to kill him Naruto would not leave him now when he had
been welcomed warmly both by him and his team.

Though
maybe there had been something else that had driven him away. Maybe
he had not taken it so well after all that Sasuke was gay.

Sasuke
was not stupid, and he had not missed that Naruto had more or less
offered himself to him as a lover after telling the story about the
people split into halves. Sasuke knew that he had evaded answering
his offer, and that this was probably the wisest thing he could have
done, as in all likelihood the offer had not been meant seriously.
Naruto had always been in love with Sakura – why should he
suddenly be gay?

Even
he, Sasuke, still had to get used to this new idea of himself. That
there might be something for him, not the annoying embraces of the
fangirls, not the system of sexual favors to people higher up in the
hierarchy in exchange for some gratification that had been the norm
at Orochimaru's place, apart from simple rape and abuse of those who
were lowest in the hierarchy. He himself and perhaps Juugo had been
the only ones who had managed to remain outside of it.

There
might be something else for him... Why did he think of Naruto now?
Because last night he had offered himself to him as a lover, of
course.

It
was not good. He needed more time to get used to the idea of being
close to someone again. He needed to learn to be friends with people
before he could even dream of taking a lover, and besides, in all
likelihood, Naruto was not gay. It would probably be best if they
both forgot about the offer and became best friends again... though
Sasuke could not help but feel some regret at the thought.

Naruto
had been on his mind as long as he could remember. Even before the
murder of his clan he had noticed him in his loneliness and wondered
about him and pitied him, and during his years with Orochimaru it had
been the thought of Naruto that had kept him sane. The thought that
there might be something to return to after he had killed Itachi, and
that even if he himself was not able to return, because he got killed
himself, there might be something that was worth going on existing -
a dream of sanity, of happiness, of life – and that he had not
killed it.

But
now this dream had stumbled into his life, or rather into his own
existence, and he had to cope with everything that made Naruto
difficult for him: his rashness, his unpredictability, his tendency
to speak his emotions and act according to them without any thinking,
his bragging, his fake optimism, his childishness, his need to be
recognized, his need to be loved...

Then
Naruto had come back inside and Sasuke had been relieved: Naruto had
just been outside to get some fresh air. Naruto began to talk to
Juugo, and while Sasuke listened, all his reasoning and thinking
stopped because finally he saw what he had never wanted to admit to
himself: That beneath Naruto's wish to impress others and to be loved
there were genuine kindness and a compassionate heart.

Naruto
had never been given to self-pity, though if anyone had had a right
to pity himself it would have been Naruto, and still he had not grown
hard-hearted, as so many do who refuse to linger on their sufferings
and insist that others don't complain either but go on working and
pretending that everything is normal, even if their sufferings are
considerable. Naruto had retained his ability to pity others and to
give them hope and courage and love.

I
should have seen it earlier, Sasuke thought. I could have seen it
even when we were staying with Inari and his family in the Wave
Country, but I did not care to look, because I myself felt only
contempt for a child as Inari who instead of following his
fosterfather's example and becoming strong and courageous and finally
avenging him would prefer to remain weak and to whine and complain.

Only
now, watching him with Juugo, whom he loved himself, he was able to
recognize the greatness of Naruto's soul, and to see that he could do
what he himself, Sasuke, could not; find friendly words for those who
need them, encourage them, hold them in his arms, in short, to show
them that he cared.

Naruto
was so much better than him: He had even released the kyuubi in order
to help Juugo, though he hardly knew him, in spite of the great risk
that went with it. Naruto was full of life, full of love, and
devoting his life to protecting him was the best thing that he,
Sasuke, could do.

He
had, finally, fallen in love.

He
got up after Juugo had gone outside and sat down next to Naruto,
suddenly longing to be near him. He even touched his forearm, trying
to make it seem casual or even accidental, but in truth he longed for
the physical contact with all his heart.

“You
did not chidorize me just now, did you?” Naruto asked,
vaporizing Sasuke's hope that the touch might go unnoticed.

“No,
I did not. Why should I? It must have been some electrostatic
discharge. I am sorry, I did not want to hurt you.”

“It
was no discharge”, Naruto said, “and it did not hurt.”

He
returned the gesture, his fingertips only touching the hairs on
Sasuke's arm. How strange it looked, Sasuke thought, white with black
hairs, no comparison to the light hairs on Naruto's tanned arm that
shimmered golden in the sunlight.

Naruto
took his hand and warmth spread through Sasuke's body, making him
feel insecure and scared. He reached for the teapot to distract
himself, but he could not pour himself any tea with just one hand, so
Naruto had to help him. Their eyes met: Naruto was smiling widely,
and a bit childishly, and Sasuke saw his very own insecurity
reflected in Naruto's eyes. He felt a wave of warmth running towards
him, threatening to overflood and drown him, he felt tempted to let
go off Naruto's hand and return to the state of loneliness he was
used to and that offered him security, and at the same time there was
the impulse to give in and embrace Naruto and let himself be washed
away by the wave of his love. He did neither: He just lowered his
eyes and pressed Naruto's hand, caressing it gently, and Naruto
answered to this.

Juugo's
return relieved him. Sasuke got up, greeted him with both hands –
it still was difficult for him, but this time it was important. Juugo
was insecure as well, not believing that anyone might touch him in a
friendly way, so it was easy for Sasuke, easier than with Naruto.

“I
have heard you talk to Naruto”, Sasuke said. “I just want
to tell you that he was right; I was really scared that you might
die, or not regain consciousness, and I am glad to see that you are
well again. You are, aren't you?”

“I
am. It just takes some getting used to it.”

“I
am happy for you”, Sasuke said, but then he hesitated. There
were two kinds of love, he realized, caring for someone and wishing
him all the happiness in the world, and enjoying to be with the other
person. Juugo was badly in need of the second kind, and Sasuke had
never been good at giving it, as he was happiest when he was alone.

“We
need you”, he said. “We need you for your gentleness and
for your generous heart. I don't know if it means anything to you,
but when I am with you, I feel at peace.”

“Of
course it means a lot”, Juugo said, drawing Sasuke into his
arms and embracing him, which was difficult because he was thirty
centimetres higher than Sasuke.

They
settled down, and together with Naruto they prepared breakfast.
Naruto chatted with Juugo, trying to cheer him up, while Sasuke was
left to his own thoughts. I will have to learn it, he thought, being
happy with other people and actually making them happy instead of
just wishing them happiness. Naruto had a natural talent for it.

The
lovers had been awake for some time, trying to be silent, and still
Sasuke had been able to hear them. The prospect of something to eat
finally made them break up their embraces and get up. Karin wrapped
herself into one of the cloaks, while Suigetsu, completely
unembarrassed about his nakedness, went outside to relieve himself.

“You
might have warned me, geez”, he said when he returned. “I
go out to pee, and there's this monster outside.”

“It
did not hurt you, did it?” Naruto said while Juugo poured him
another cup of tea.

“It
did not”, Suigetsu said. “But the way it looked at me was
scary in itself.”

“You
are not embarrassed in front of an animal”, Sasuke said. “You
are not embarrassed in front of us.”

“There's
no longer a reason to be embarrassed in front of Karin, and you are
all men, aren't you?”

“Sure
we are”, Sasuke answered and let his eyes wander freely up and
down Suigetsu's body. (Before last night he had restrained himself
from doing it as good as he could.)

Suigetsu
grinned, sat down, stretched, showed off his well-trained chest, but
took care to sit in a way that his genitals were hidden.

Standing
by his desires was the best way to deal with Suigetsu, Sasuke
realized. There was a world outside – a world where he might
stand to his human needs, laugh about them, live even if they were
not fulfilled, and be not weaker but stronger because of it. There
was a world where he might be able to live.

“How
are you?” Karin asked Juugo.

“Better”,
he said. “Still a bit empty. I will have to get used to it.”

Sasuke
could empathize with him. Even more than getting used to living
without his homicidal impulses he would have to get used to people
fussing over him.

“I
would like as well to know what happened”, Suigetsu said.

The
other four looked at each other, then they decided that it was Juugo
who had the right to tell: “Naruto had the key.”

“The
kyuubi did it”, Naruto added. “It had been looking for
its other half for years. After it had taken control during my fight
against the two Akatsuki members, it sensed Juugo's presence and led
me to you.”

“Did
it? I thought it would have been your own heart.”

“My
heart would tell me to look for you, but the kyuubi told me where you
were.”

Even
Naruto was getting the hang of how to talk to Suigetsu, Sasuke
thought.

“So
what are you going to do now?” Suigetsu asked. “Still
planning to fight Itachi.”

“We
won't be able to avoid it”, Sasuke answered. “He's still
alive – he will attack as soon as he feels fit for it.”

“Not
necessarily. He's after the kyuubi, and the kyuubi is not sealed into
Naruto any more.”

Sasuke
thought about it. “Then we will have to protect the kyuubi. We
cannot release it and leave it unprotected. We are responsible for it
now.”

“You
are kidding, aren't you? I have seen the monster outside, it does not
need to be protected.”

“It
does. Akatsuki have defeated all the bijuus, with or without
jinchuuriki. They will get the kyuubi as well.”

“He's
right”, Karin said. “Do you want to let it fall into
their hands? I don't think they'll use the bijuus' energies to save
mankind.”

“They'll
attack us anyway”, Naruto said. “Maybe they are no longer
interested in me, but they still need you to control the kyuubi.”

“Why's
that?” Karin asked. “Can't they do it themselves?”

“The
guy who can turn into a raven can summon the kyuubi”, Naruto
said. “Somehow he got into possession of the power of Uchiha
Madara, Sasuke's forefather.”

Sasuke
felt a sting in his heart when he heard Naruto speak so casually
about his ancestor. Among his own clan, people had not often spoken
about the man who had co-founded Konoha and who had then been killed
by the Shodaime, as if they had been ashamed of him. They had told
stories about other heroes in the clan's history, or legends of its
mystical ancestors in the time before Konoha was founded, but never
about Madara himself. Only when Sasuke had followed Itachi's
instructions and looked for the secrets of the Uchiha clan under the
main temple of Konoha he had found out about Uchiha Madara and
understood why the clan did not like to talk about him: Admitting
that he had been only second to the Shodaime, and agreeing to follow
his orders was not in line with the Uchihas' idea of themselves being
the strongest clan of Konoha, and neither had they ever fully
approved of his going after the first jinchuuriki when the kyuubi had
overpowered him, even though he knew that he could only buy some
time.

Thinking
that someone had got into possession of Madara's power was absolutely
scary. Not only because it meant that he had power over the kyuubi
which meant that he, Sasuke, could no longer fully control it. What
really gave him the creeps was that someone had found a way to make
Madara's body, or soul, of life-force return to this earth, that
Madara had not been allowed to peacefully rest in his grave.

After
three years with Orochimaru Sasuke was really fed up with any kinds
of experiments about exchanging bodies, exchanging souls and other
ways of obtaining immortality.

At
least this explained why the raven had the Sharingan, even the
Mangekyou Sharingan. Sasuke remembered that after the murder of their
clan Itachi had told him that including Sasuke there were three
people with the Mangekyou Sharingan or with the capacity to awaken
it; so now he knew who had been the third one. Suddenly he had a
vision of a stranger talking to Itachi, persuading him that the
destiny of the Uchiha clan was to dominate the world with their
Sharingan and their power over the tailed beasts, seducing him to
first kill his best friend, then the rest of the clan.

For
the first time in his life Sasuke pitied his brother.

He
had been lost in his thoughts and missed what Naruto had been saying.
He apologized and asked him to tell again.

“That
guy who had obtained your forefather's power can summon the kyuubi,
but that's not enough if you want to use it. It always takes two: One
to summon, one to control.”

“He
has Itachi at his side, hasn't he”, Karin said.

“Itachi
cannot control the kyuubi”, Sasuke replied.

“How
do you know?”

“I
am still alive. Itachi would have killed me with the rest of the clan
if he and his companion didn't need me.”

“So
they need Sasuke”, Suigetsu said. “And they cannot use
the kyuubi as long as they don't have him. But the guy who can turn
into a raven has the power of Uchiha Madara available to him. You did
not only save Juugo from his homicidal impulses, Naruto, you also
brought us a lot of useful information! You are a great addition to
the team.”

The
words were meant for Naruto, but Sasuke also heard the words that
Suigetsu had not spoken aloud: “We should have picked you up
much earlier.” When would the grudge wear off?

Still
Sasuke was glad that his team did everything to make Naruto feel
welcome, and it seemed to work: He was much more agreeable, much
quieter, much less hyperactive than Sasuke remembered him. He seemed
to be at ease with them.

“So
what are your plans? How shall we fight them?”

Sasuke
hesitated. In the night he had thought that he was going to fight
them with Naruto at his side, but in the night he had still thought
that it was Naruto who was in danger, not he himself.

“They
are after me, not after you, so I will fight them by myself.”

“Yeah,
as yesterday. We thought that you'd grown out of your
great-lonely-hero-attitude”, Suigetsu said.

“I
told you already: Never fight the Sharingan when you are on your
own”, Naruto said.

“We
are your team”, Juugo said. “We fight for you.”

“Anyway,
this is not only about you”, Karin said. “If you lose,
they'll get the kyuubi and it will be the end of the world as we all
know it. So instead of preparing to die heroically, could you please
come up with a plan that might actually work.”

Sasuke
looked down, ashamed, but not in a bad way. They cared. He would have
to learn to show them that he, too, cared for them, in other ways
than offering to sacrifice his life for them.

“I'll
fight at your side”, Naruto said, caressing Sasuke's hand.

“I
don't want you to put your life on the line”, Sasuke answered
hesitatingly, “but if you truly want to be with me...”,
he thought again of the plans he had formed during the night. “I'll
be concentrating on keeping you out of their genjutsus, so you will
have to do most of the actual fighting.”

“No
problem with that”, Naruto said.

“Your
advantage will be that they will be busy with casting genjutsus and
breaking my defenses and defending themselves against my genjutsus so
that they won't be able to do much actual fighting.”

“I
think I cannot remember having seen Itachi ever do any real
fighting”, Naruto said. “Does he have any other skills
than his genjutsus?”

“He
was quite good with kunai when he was still a boy.”

“Ah,
that's at least something.”

“Don't
underestimate them. I don't know whether I will be able to protect
you completely against their genjutsus. Prepare yourself to move from
one mental dimension to the next one within seconds! I will try to
make sure that at least you will see your opponents where they really
are, so that you can hit them.”

“That
will be enough”, Naruto said.

“And
you'll have to allow me to enter your mind with the Sharingan so that
we can form a connection”, Sasuke continued.

“Sure,
why not.”

He'll
have to trust me completely, Sasuke thought, and still it's fine with
him. He could not help wondering.

“Don't
worry”, Naruto said. “We'll get them. I mean, you saw my
jutsu yesterday. It does not have to be an exact hit in order to
cause a lot of damage.”

No,
it's rather like Deidara's suicide jutsu, Sasuke thought, killing
everything within a certain distance, and they would have to see that
they were not caught themselves.

“So
you three will be our backup”, Naruto told the rest of the
team. “For that's the way to fight the Sharingan: Some have to
face it, some attack from behind. And if we get lost in a genjutsu,
you get us out of it by touching us.”

Naruto
could have chosen to act as a backup as well, Sasuke thought, but
then he would not have been Naruto, always volunteering for the most
dangerous part of a plan. But he was also more than the Naruto he
remembered, because the Naruto he remembered would not have made any
plans at all, but just rushed ahead.

Sasuke
felt small next to Naruto's confidence and wished that he might share
it, but he could not forget how strong his brother and that other guy
were.

And
besides, he still had not found a way to counter the Mangekyou
Sharingan.

They
had now nearly finished breakfast. Karin got her bag and took out the
box of cookies, as she always did after breakfast and dinner, and
passed it around. Neither of them knew much about growing up with
loving parents, but they all thought of a mother as someone who gave
out cookies and at the same time saw that they did not take too much.
Being the only female Karin had ended up with the role of the mother,
while Juugo and Suigetsu became little boys again.

“Only
one”, Suigetsu said to Naruto, when he passed the box to him.
“If you don't want to face Karin's wrath.”

“What
about me?” Sasuke asked because as usual he had been left out.

“I
thought you didn't like any sweets.”

“I
do. I have always loved them.”

All
four of his companions turned their eyes on him, and he wished that
he had just reclined, as usual, and not said anything.

“I
have always loved sweets”, he repeated. “When I was a
little boy I used to get them from an uncle and an aunt of mine who
had a cake shop. They were – they were killed by Itachi in the
massacre.”

He
remembered how he had found their shop closed on the day after the
massacre and how he had not been able to believe that even those two
kind old people should be dead. Tears filled his eyes, he tried to
subdue them, but when he continued to tatlk his voice broke, he began
to cry – he hated it, he did not want to be that weak,
especially not now that any moment he would have to face Itachi, but
he simply could not stop. Naruto put his arm around his shoulder,
then embraced and held him, while Sasuke was sobbing uncontrollably,
his belly aching from the spasms that shook it.

After
some minutes it was over and Naruto released him from his embrace.

“Better?”
he asked. “Do you want a cookie now?”

Sasuke
took one. “They always gave me an extra cookie when I bought
something from them”, he told. “And they always had some
friendly words for me. When they were dead I swore to myself that I
would never eat any sweets again and think of them whenever I got
offered some and resigned.”

He
cried again but not as uncontrollably as before, and it did not take
him as long to recover and be able to speak again.

“They
did nothing, I mean, they sold cookies, that was all. What could
Itachi gain by killing them? He could not even prove his strength,
because they were no fighters, just some friendly old people.”

“There's
no way to understand a mind as Itachi's”, Suigetsu said.

“Yeah,
maybe”, Sasuke answered. He had not thought that he had ever
tried to understand Itachi, and still Suigetsu's words strangely
relieved him. He could let go now, let Itachi fall into the darkness
he had created by his desire for power, step back from the abyss and
return to he land of the living.

He
looked at the cookie in his hand and nibbled at it. He had not eaten
any sugar for years, and the sweetness was almost unbearable. He had
to eat slowly.

“I
will eat sweets again”, he announced, “and think of my
relatives when I eat, not when I refuse to eat. I will remember them
how they were in life, not only how they died.”

He
breathed deeply. I will live again, he thought. I will never forget
what happened, and I will never cease to mourn, but I will live
again. He felt all soft inside, soft because of his sorrow, and he
realized that in spite of being the great avenger who thought of
nothing but the murder of his family, he had never been mourning
before, not for all that he had lost.

“You
know, they were not really my aunt and uncle”, he told the rest
of the team, “they were some more distant relatives: she was my
grandfather's cousin and he had only married into the clan. They had
no children of their own, so they spoilt their grand nephews and
nieces, but mostly me, because I was the youngest of all. Everyone
spoilt me back then when I was not yet cool and aloof but a cute
little kid. I hated it of course. I wanted to be strong, not cute.”

“You
are still cute.”

“Moron.”

There
was no edge in the insult, there could not be, because he was now
literally leaning on Naruto, his cheeks against the black parts of
his sweater, which, in spite of its horrible colours, had turned out
to be warm and soft and agreeable.

Naruto's
words from last night came to his mind: It's not so bad to be sad if
there is someone to comfort you. Maybe he could allow himself to
trust Naruto. Maybe he could trust Naruto to steer his little boat
safely down the river. Maybe he did not have to be afraid.

It
was not only Naruto: There was his team, whom he could trust with his
life.

“You're
still a fool, and a coward in the bargain”, Suigestu said.

“Why?
What's wrong this time?”

“You
have to the courage to protect your friend with your life, as you
have shown many times, but you still lack the courage to kiss him.”

“Where's
the connection?” Sasuke asked confusedly.

“They
are making fun of you again”, Naruto said. “You should
teach them to show you more respect. We should teach them that we are
real men.”

He
embraced him carefully, drawing his head to his own. Sasuke stopped
him.

“It's
not a game”, he said. “Not for me. I am gay for real, and
I am in love for real.”

“Well,
so, if being in love with you means that I am gay, then I am gay for
real as well”, Naruto replied.

LadyRonin:
Thanks to your comments to this and the last chapter! That my story
makes you think out of the ordinary is a great compliment! I will try
to answer your questions with the next chapter – I am very busy
these days. (Though you don't ask many this time...)

dkf:
Thanks for your comments to this and the last chapter! Just some
words about Naruto being anti-gay and loving Sasuke. He has always
loved him, though not erotically. Sasuke stating that he's gay makes
him rethink that. He also makes him rethink his attitude towards gay
men – Naruto has never given much thought to this question, he
has just adopted Jiraya's attitude which is that of most men in the
Shinobi world – and still is in our real world. Now he has to
think about it, because he does feel attracted to Sasuke. (I imagine
him rather bi than gay though.)

I
cannot tell from own experience, but I think that even gay men have
to get used to the idea of anal sex, most of all to the idea of being
the receiving part. (I can remember reading two autobiographical
accounts of men who did not do it before they were in their
twenties.) Being gay is not about men wanting to have anal sex with
men – it is about men falling in love with men.
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The Canalized River