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The Canalized River	By : susanna Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 944 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 32
- 33
- 34
A/N
at the end of the chapter

Chapter
Thirty-Three: Naruto, thinking

In
spite of having gone to sleep rather late Naruto woke up a short time
before sunrise, and before any of the regular members of team Hebi.
Sasuke had rolled onto his arm in sleep, so Naruto had to pull it out
carefully without waking him up. He went outside where the kyuubi was
still lying, keeping watch, and where the birds were busy with their
morning concerto. He breathed in the cold clear air, happy to be
outside, by himself – even he who thrived in company sometimes
needed time to think without anyone interfering.

Too
much had happened. Had it been only yesterday that he had been lost
in the wilderness, utterly alone, on the edge of despair, cut off
from everything that had been his life in Konoha, not knowing whether
there would ever be any future with Sasuke – he might never
have caught up with him, he might have been rejected when he had
finally met him, or even worse.

Now
he had been picked up by Sasuke's team and they were easily the most
laid-back people he had ever met, and Sasuke himself had not shoved
him away but had invited him to stay with him and his team. It had
been a rather weird situation yesterday but this was what it boiled
down to: Sasuke had invited him to stay with him and his team.

His
dream had not dissolved the moment he had met him. It had become
real, and now he had to get to know it. Naruto had never had a very
precise idea what his dream might be, he had only known that it
existed: Something beyond his life in Konoha, beyond missions and
loyalty and giving his best in order to gain the recognition of the
people of Konoha. Now he had met people whom he could tell that he
had the kyuubi sealed within him and who would not fear or despise
him. People who did not see him merely as the kyuubi's jinchuuriki
but as the person he really was – a strong fighter and, above
all, Sasuke's friend.

What
was he beyond this? He would have to find out, now that he had lost
his most important dream, to become Hokage. It had been a childish
dream after all. The other dream, finding Sasuke, had not been
childish – he had been correct when he had told Sakura that
his love for Sasuke was rooted in the innermost part of his soul. He
had met Sasuke, he had arrived in the innermost chamber of his soul,
and now he had to explore it, because he hardly knew it, just as he
hardly knew Sasuke.

How
had he learnt to get along with people as Karin or Suigetsu? Why was
his mind no longer fixed on killing Itachi? How did it come that he
had cared to learn to find out about the beautiful places in people's
minds? And why was he suddenly gay, and apparently so relaxed about
it?

He,
Naruto, would not be so relaxed. Fucking other men in their ass, or,
even worse, being fucked into the ass by other men. Sasuke of all
people! He who was so strong and cared so much about being stronger
than everyone else and who would not let anyone touch him – he
should give his body to other men so that they could fuck him? It was
unimaginable – or perhaps not so much – had there not
been for the fraction of a second the image of a naked Sasuke in
front of his inner eye, curled up in his sleep, just as he had been
during the night, only without a blanket and without clothes, lean
and white-skinned and gracious as a cat, and tender and vulnerable as
well – he shoved the image aside: His Sasuke, his beloved and
admired Sasuke, being touched and ravished by other men! He could not
bear the thought and he wondered why Sasuke took it so easily. His
team seemed to be relaxed about it as well. Maybe that made it
easier.

Naruto
did not know much about what it meant to be gay. He had no idea what
gay men did besides anal intercourse. There had been two sources of
information on sex in his life, both equally unreliable. One had been
the dirty jokes among the boys when he had been twelve – now he
remembered that Sasuke had rarely joined in. He had put it off as one
of the side-effects of Sasuke being completely focused on killing
Itachi and not having time to think about sex or making jokes about
sex, but maybe there had been more to it. Coming to think of it,
Sasuke had never been interested in girls. Naruto had always blamed
this as well on Sasukes fixation on Itachi, but maybe he had been
wrong there as well.

Naruto's
second source of information had of course been his years with
Jiraya. During their travels he had learnt more about sex than he had
ever wanted to know, but almost nothing about love. He had learnt how
people bought sex for money or a bottle of champagne and a night in a
hotel suite. He had learnt how women went not only for the
best-looking guy, as the fangirls had all gone for Sasuke, but also
for the most famous man, or the richest man, or the man who would be
best trophy material, or the man who would offer them the best life
if they managed to hook up with him for real.

They
rarely looked for the one who would offer them the best sex. Only
rich, rather old women (over thirty) could afford this. Naruto
himself had got a few offers of that kind, but had always turned them
down as he had felt that the women had only chosen him because he was
inexperienced and in fact not much more than a child.

He
wondered if Sasuke as well thought of him as a child. Well, then I
will show him that I am a man just as him.

Jiraya
had always encouraged him in turning down these women's offers. “A
man should not be chosen by a woman”, he had said. “A man
should wait until he can have his pick among the most beautiful women
of the world.”

Naruto
had never really listened to the second part of this advice. He had
felt that it had nothing to do with the love he longed for.

Jiraya
had not talked about how things should go between two men. There had
been gay men in the world they had moved in, or men who considered
themselves straight, who often were even married, but who sometimes
just longed to fuck a man, or to be fucked by a man. They would even
pay for getting fucked by a man.

Jiraya
would tolerate these men, he would even try to talk to them as if
everything was normal, and still Naruto had sensed that something was
wrong. (Hell, he was used to sensing that something was wrong when
everyone pretended that everything was fine.) Now, after Suigetsu's
teasing, accepting jokes, Naruto knew what had been wrong: Jiraya had
never touched the subject of sexuality, or even love when he had
talked with them while he constantly discussed it with men who were
into women: Who's the prettiest woman here, who has the fullest
breasts, who is easy to get, and what's the best way to get them.
They had even discussed the women's skills: That one's good at
riding, that one's good at sucking.

He
had never talked like that to gay men, and thus Naruto had learnt
that they were something to be avoided.

Though
when Jiraya had been busy otherwise, Naruto would have got offers
from some of these men. He had always turned them down with disgust.
No way he would allow any man to get into his body. He was not a
girl. And even if he were a girl he would not let any random man into
his body just because he paid him in whatever form. Only if he was
truly in love he would give himself to a man, and only to a man who
was truly in love himself.

Why
did he just now think about how he had tried to impress Sakura with
his courage, his strength, his new jutsus? And why did Sasuke's words
come to his mind? You should not have to fight for what should be
yours by birthright: Being loved and cared for.

And
I have more or less offered myself to him as a lover when he had
talked about these former male-male people being the best to serve
the state, Naruto thought. He was
glad that Sasuke had not accepted him. He had, in fact, neither said
yes or no. There was still hope - why did he think this again?

There
had been even weirder things in the world Jiraya moved in than men
paying to fuck other men or to be fucked by other men. There were
people paying to be whipped, or to be spread out and bound to some
iron bars, or to be led around on a leash.

Compared
to this, having sex with another man was not so weird after all.
Maybe it was not weirder than having sex with a woman.

Naruto
had often masturbated to fantasies of beautiful naked women, but he
had never imagined having real sex with them. He had never
experienced it, so he had no idea what it felt like to be inside a
woman. His erotic fantasies, even those that did not include Hinata
or Sakura but used some anonymous women, had never gone further than
touching the woman's breasts, and sometimes their waists and hips. He
did not have the courage for more, and also he did not really know
what a woman's genitals looked like. He had avoided pictures that
showed everything and looked away when a prostitute opened her legs
in some erotic dance. He had thought it shameless, even for a
prostitute, and it were indeed few prostitutes who did it.

“You
are still too young”, Jiraya had said.

Again
he had a vision of Sasuke, lying in his arms as he had done
yesterday, only that now Naruto was very conscious that Sasuke was
naked beneath his blankets and that he had just to slip his hand
beneath the sheets to touch his skin: His chest, his hips, his
thighs, even more. He wondered what Sasuke looked like. He had seen
him naked before, of course, but then they had still been children...

Why
did all this happen? It was Sasuke's fault. He had admitted that he
was gay.

On
the other hand he was quite sure that Sakura was straight and he had
never imagined her naked. Perhaps she was not straight after all, but
simply asexual. She must have had a reason for chasing a phantom for
such a long time.

Well.
He had been chasing a phantom as well. Not a phantom but a dream, he
reminded himself, and now that it had come true he would have to find
out what it was like. Not so bad, after all. Not as fucked up as his
teachers and Sai and so many others had said that he was. He would
probably not return to Konoha but he had not pushed him back and he
had been ready to protect him.

He
had invited him to stay with his team. This was what counted.

But
it was not enough. Naruto wanted to be best friends again with
Sasuke. And there was the possibility that they might even become
more.

He
had no idea what he wanted to do or not to do with Sasuke. He still
found the idea of anal sex rather repulsive. What he longed for,
really longed for, was the thing he had witnessed between Karin and
Suigetsu: Touching and looking and kissing – again the images
of Sasuke appeared in front of his inner eye, he was touching his
hair, his cheeks, and Sasuke was returning the caresses and was
looking at him with a warm expression as he had never seen it on his
face in reality. A warm, loving expression – this was what he
longed for, not the soulless thing Jiraya called hot sex.

So
why was his blood now rushing to his groin? He shook his head: Even
if Sasuke was gay it did not mean that he was in love with him. Why
should he be? He was one of the most beautiful men in the world,
gracious and lean for those who preferred their lovers to be a bit on
the puerile, even feminine side, and still well-trained and strong
for those who sought for real men as their lovers. During his years
with Jiraya Naruto had learnt that there were these two kinds of gay
men, but that the latter were more frequent: Being a bit feminine
themselves and looking for an image of perfect masculinity in their
partners.

What
kind of gay man would he be himself if he really became Sasuke's
lover? Certainly the masculine type. He had always aspired to be a
real boy and a great fighter – there was nothing girlish about
him. He would no longer have to worry about behaving in a way the
girls approved of, he would be able to be loud and wild, to brag and
make silly jokes and eat unhealthy food and wear ragged but cool
clothes, and boys and men would not tell him off but admire him. It
could get interesting.

It
did not matter. He still was not sure whether he wanted to move to
the other side. He might be interested in Sasuke, but he was not
interested in boys or men in general. He was not even sure that he
was interested in Sasuke. He had been chasing him for three years but
not because he longed for his body. He had longed for him because
Sasuke was his friend, because Sasuke had recognized him as a human
being before anyone else had done (except Iruka of course), because
Sasuke had accepted him as a team member when Naruto had still
thought it impossible that anyone would ever be ready to accept him.
Even when they had still been at the academy Sasuke had had the
independence of mind not to join in when the others had harassed him,
not to go with the general flow of laughter and jokes against him,
the outsider.

He
longed for him because of all this and because he also pitied him for
what he had gone through and because – he did not know it. But
it had nothing to do with his body.

It
did not matter. Sasuke would be able to choose among all the men in
the world – well, among all the gay men. Why should he fall in
love with him?

It
did not help to go on thinking. He was only getting more confused. He
went back inside.

Lexjamandme:
Thanks again for your review! I had no idea that this line of mine is
so special – I thought it obvious, and not so original after
all.

Dkf:
Yeah, it's a fox. It has killed, but it was forced to kill. For a
man, as Itachi, this would not be an excuse. About missing Iruka –
wait and see.

LadyRonin:
Sasuke's version is the real one, the one you find in the „Symposion“
by Plato, which is a hymn to homosexual love. It is not a legend
vamped by yaoi fan, but a story about gay love that has been
„purified“ by homophobic people.

Sorry
that I was not clear about it. I took some pain to look the story up
so that I could quote it correctly.

I
am glad that you like the slow speed of the story. On the other hand
– these last chapters cover only one single night.
- 32
- 33
- 34
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The Canalized River