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Love Me When I'm Gone	By : KittenCobra Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1971 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

Chapter List
- 31
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- 33
32. Meeting
As I leave my apartment, my body is shaking. I say a silent prayer of thanks that I am the only one who can read minds in the upcoming situation. Now that I am not under Gaara’s angry scrutiny, my response has dimmed and I am beginning to realize the pickle I’ve gotten myself into. I think to myself long and hard as I begin walking slowly out of the gates of Konoha. I haven’t even changed. I have simply brushed my hair out long from its earlier curls, washed my mouth clean from my prior upset stomach, and thrown a cloak over my outfit to more easily blend in with the night.
I scan the area immediately around myself as I walk, and I am surprised to find that no one is following me. This is both a relief and terribly disappointing. After Gaara’s reaction at my work, I expected him to be shadowing my steps like the very hounds of hell – ready to throw his own accusations. The fact that he is not makes me worry, but I will not reach out to find him. I could not bear finding him consoling himself in another woman’s arms.
What do I do now? I think carefully to myself.
I am nowhere near ready to allow any other man to touch me… but will I ever be? Which is better? To slowly tear off a bandage and let the pain course through in stages, or to rip it fiercely and endure the pain for a much shorter period? Will any of my soul remain after the tearing is through?
Probably not, I think bitterly. All I want is Gaara.
The memory of the rage in his eyes is enough to make me cower in pain and shame, while the lust I found there was enough to heat my blood in anticipation of a dream that will never come for me again.
I think Jiraiya can deliver on his promise. He could give me pleasure in a physical sense, and perhaps would even be perceptive enough to cause less pain – if that is even possible. Even if my body ends up flying, my soul will be dying. Perhaps after it is really and truly dead I will be free from this torment. Perhaps then, it will not matter if men respond appreciatively to my advances. Perhaps… I will be able to let Gaara live his life… without hating him for it.
I am so caught up in my own thoughts that I almost do not realize that I have already entered the clearing. I have brought a single small blanket with me to protect against the chill of the night air, tucked beneath my cloak. I spread it out like a shield across the damp ground and lay down gently. I draw my cloak around me to serve as a blanket to shield me from the air. Jiraiya is not here yet, and I don’t feel like standing around to wait for him. I still need to make my final decision.
Do I put up all my walls completely tonight?
Part of my mind cries out in fear at this idea. Jiraiya is a very clever shinobi, and loves to play games with people’s emotions – like I have seen him do to Gaara before. I am afraid that he will toy with me and without my curse I will not understand his game. But if I do keep the walls down even part way… I recoil at the thought. I do not want to know his thoughts as he takes what he wants from me. I do not want to mean so little, or even worse, find that I mean more than I want to. I am going to have a hard enough time holding in my fear and my pain – to keep them from leaking out to him. I will also have to work to keep them from my face.
No. Tonight I must let nothing in or out. Nothing.
I slowly start building up a mental barrier between me and the world. It must be tall and thick. It must be impenetrable. No one must know my private pain. I cannot bear it. As I finish, I suddenly feel as if I have my head buried in sand – or under water perhaps. It is so quiet I almost shudder. I close my eyes and try to lose myself in the silence, to postpone the pain which is inevitable.
I hear footsteps approaching from behind me in the grass, softly but steadfast. He is letting me know of his approach. I know he could simply appear without me ever having heard him, and I am glad he has offered me this small comfort. I roll to face him, and give him a seductive smile. I can feel the ice settling into my blood. He sits down on the blanket next to me and raises an eyebrow in question. I simply stare intently back at him, waiting for him to speak.
“I called to you, but you did not answer.” He says in question. “Now, why would that be?”
I answer honestly. “I am not listening to anything with my mind tonight.”
“Do you mind if I ask why?” He says casually. “It seems like an odd time to lose your advantage.”
“I do not see it as an advantage.” I roll onto my back and look at the stars, avoiding his eyes. “I never have. It is a curse, and has brought me nothing but pain. Also… it is… difficult. It is very hard to control during strong emotion or feeling. It is easier to just shut it down in advance than try to navigate a middle ground.”
I glance in his direction, and know he has heard the lie in my voice. Every time I have ever made love, I have always danced on that line. I could literally fry someone’s brain for all I know, if my emotions were too strong. But I was never able to resist the allure of seeing myself in Gaara’s eyes for long. Feeling his desire and emotions were a very powerful drug indeed. I do not want Jiraiya’s. He touches my face and turns it back toward himself.
“You should be more careful.” His tone is only a slight reprimand, but surprisingly gentle. “I could have not been alone. It could have not been me at all.”
Would it have really mattered? I think within my barrier. I cannot bring myself to say the words aloud, so I simply shrug. He lays down on the blanket next to me in response. When I turn to face him, his eyes are sad.
“Why are you doing this?” He whispers, and touches my face in the same way Gaara does when he comforts me – just tracing the planes of my cheeks. This threatens to bring tears to my eyes and I glare at him.
“Is this how you excite all of your lovers?” I snap at him. “I was expecting more from you.”
He does not respond to my verbal joust the way I hope he will. Instead, he keeps his tone calm and gentle. “Most of my lovers are not in nearly as much pain as you are.”
I cannot stop the tear that leaks from my eye in time. I sit up and brush it away roughly, turning away from his steady gaze.
“What do you want, Mizuke?” He asks again, throwing his arms back behind his head like a pillow.
“I want to forget.” I can hear the slight brokenness in my voice, but I cannot do anything about it. “He seems to have thrown me away so easily. I didn’t just give him my body, Jiraiya. I gave him my soul. I have seen Kankuro’s recent memories. He has already moved on. I failed him. I know I did, but I am trapped in this prison – and I so desperately want to be free. Is it fair, that I should feel so worthless? That it should feel like I have nothing to offer, simply because he does not want me anymore?” I turn to look into his eyes and my question is real. “Do you even want me Jiraiya?”
He looks at me for a long time. His expression is unreadable and I want to scream at him. I start to move, to pull myself up and away. I want to go home and forget this terrible night ever even happened. He grabs my arm and pulls me back placing a light kiss upon my mouth. It is warm and sweet, but fleeting and passionless. He looks directly into my eyes.
“You are an incredibly beautiful and desirable woman, Mizuke,” he says in an aggravated rumble. “You should not need any man to tell you that.”
I know I shouldn’t, I think to myself. But that doesn’t make it true. I close my eyes tightly against the tightening in my chest.
“Why me?” he asks suddenly.
“I told you,” I respond surprised. “You are more than able to defend yourself if Gaara does decide that I am not allowed to move on with my own life. Which – by the way – he seems at least tempted to do. And… I guess I’m hoping that rumors of your skill are true.” I smile seductively at him, putting as much heat in my eyes as I can manage. I need to get this show on the road, or I’m going to be stuck in this limbo forever. “They say… you can make a woman mindless. I’m surprised the Hokage has never decided to find out for herself.”
Jirahya suddenly bursts out into a full belly laugh. “Mizuke… you should be careful about stroking a man’s ego like that.”
“I thought that was the whole idea.”
Suddenly, his gaze shifts and a smile from the devil himself crosses his face. I am surprised to see his eyes glance around the clearing for a fraction of a second before he mutters. “Well, now or never.”
He snatches me up and rolls gently tucking me beneath his big body. I am surprised to find that his muscles feel just as hard as they look despite his age. His lips come down on mine in what would look like a rough gesture, but is actually surprisingly reserved. My mind is screaming in protest against his touch, but my body recognizes that it would otherwise be pleasant – if I was not comparing it to Gaara’s passion. His mouth is warm and soft as he presses it firmly to mine, but he does not seek entrance. His hands move up and down my body, but they never stray where I expect them to.
What on Earth is he doing?
It almost feels as if I am an actor in a play instead of an object of desire. One of his hands eventually strays to my soft belly, and he suddenly gasps and freezes. I open my eyes slightly to see his wide, staring back at me in apparent shock.
“Sand Tsunami!” I suddenly hear Gaara’s deadliest tone cut through the night as feel the entire ground beneath me shudder violently. I am pitched high in a massive wave of sand. Jiraiya is ripped away from me and flung hard into the trees on the side of the meadow we are in.
SHIT!
I leap to my feet to see Gaara standing directly between Jiraiya and I. I cannot see his face, but the stance he is in looks lethal. He begins rising the sand around him into the air as Jiraiya gets to his feet.
“I warned you once before, Sage!” He spits in a maddened voice. “I would kill you if you touched her!”
I quickly drop the walls I have built up earlier in the night and the atmosphere hits me like a tidal wave. There is nothing but rage in Gaara’s mind. He keeps running the image of Jiraiya kissing me through his mind over and over again. The possessiveness in his thoughts is terrifying. I am shocked to realize he genuinely plans to kill the Sannin. The bloodlust in his mind is like that from his childhood. The only thing missing is Shukaku’s voice.
“Gaara!” I scream at him. “Leave him out of this! If you are angry, then direct that hatred where it belongs! At me!”
I lash out at him with my mind; gently – considering the level of my own anger. It would feel like a whip to the back – to get his attention on me and give Jiraiya time to run. He feels it but doesn’t respond. He has no plan to even acknowledge my presence until Jiraiya is dead. I feel shock radiate again, deep in my bones, as I catch Jiraiya’s thoughts amidst the rage.
This is what he wanted! I realize. That slimy bastard!
He knew Gaara had followed him all along, and wanted to push him into a confrontation. He is stupid enough to believe this will change Gaara’s mind.
“You changed your mind since then,” Jiraiya stands up tall and challenges him with his words as well as his battle stance. “You left your woman behind, Kazekage! Did you really believe no one else would want her? You know the gift she offers is extremely rare.”
Damn you, you idiot! Shut up!
My tone is pleading to Jiraiya. I do not want to see him hurt, and he is much too confident that he can control this. He is wrong. He doesn’t understand how far he’s already pushed Gaara. Gaara’s thoughts blur again in rage, but they are laced with guilt.
“Sand coffin!” he shouts, throwing his sand as Jiraiya dodges.
He grasps his hands in the air before him again and again, trying to crush – to kill. He’s out for anything he can get a hold of: an arm, a leg, or worse. Once he has it, he is imagining torturing the Sannin to death. The thought makes me sick.
“Does her pain matter to you?” Jirahya taunts him again.
This causes Gaara’s thoughts to stumble, cutting through the haze of rage only slightly. His movements are just as sure and as relentless as before.
“Did you know she can no longer bury her pain?” Jiraiya shouts at him with a criticizing tone. “Did you know her nightmares spill forth into the village? Did you know Naruto wakes her up, each and every night to stop her screams?”
“Stop it Jiraiya!” I scream out a sob, begging him not to do this – not to expose me this way. His words are like knives against my heart. I cannot bear it. “Please, stop!”
Gaara’s eyes briefly meet my face. I can see myself through his mind’s eye. My expression is twisted and tortured – hollow but agonized. He wants to touch my face, to comfort me – but the idea brings the image of Jiraiya doing this for me only moments ago, and renews his rage. He spins and shouts, “Sand prison!”
My God! He is out of control. This is why Jiraiya drew me out of the village walls!
His sand rises up from the forest floor and begins to form the massive box of sand claws and arms. This surprises Jiraiya, but he works diligently to stay out of the grasp of the sand. I can see Jiraiya’s next move forming. He is going to summon a massive toad to put Gaara in his place. I have had enough.
“ENOUGH!!!” I scream at both of them.
I release my strength – my curse – and snatch both their minds within my own, like birds from the air. Their bodies go limp and lifeless, still standing in their prior positions. I hold them hostage as I seethe at their stupidity. They can feel my hold, and I make it painful enough to grant their full attention.
You arrogant bastards! I scream at them, deafening their minds.
Their lifeless bodies shudder under the strain. Despite the pain, Gaara’s mind has completely relaxed into my hold. He knows struggling is futile. He also knows I will not truly damage him. Jiraiya struggles, panic beginning to set in. He had no idea I was capable of this, and truthfully… neither did I. He didn’t expect me to interfere. I drop him back into his own mind, and he coughs and chokes sucking air into his too-still lungs. I realize Gaara is not breathing either and release my hold on those necessary processes his body requires to live. His body coughs and sputters similarly, but his mind is not yet free to control it. I still hold him tightly.
“Get out!” I scream at Jiraiya. “You’ve played your sick little game. You’d be wise to avoid my company for a long time.” He nods to me, still slightly unsteady on his feet, and quickly disappears into the night.
I turn to face my former lover. As I hold his mind prisoner, I am shocked to feel… peace.
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Love Me When I'm Gone

32. Meeting