Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Firsts
By : djserani
Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male
Views: 1305 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto! I make no money off of this!
Chapter List
- 31
- 32
- 33
REMINDER:This story takes place in Darkprism's Monoshizukanohi Universe. Though the appearances of Monoshizukanohi locations in this series of stories is minor, it does exist and that world belongs to her. She graciously allows me to play.

SECONDLY: Though it can be read WITHOUT reading "Changes," it is highly recommended that you read "Changes" before you read this. That said, it is *also* recommended that you read Darkprism's "Altering Affection," "Undercurrents" and at *least* part IV of "Rhythm & Bruise." "Changes runs chronologically concurrently with "Rhythm & Bruise."

Thirdly, in the following stories, I will be outlining individual warnings for each story/chapter.

Real warnings for this chapter: Angst, violence and death. It's NOT a main character but it is in there. This chapter has disturbing imagery in it. Very disturbing. You have been warned!

* * *

Izumo let the hot water wash over him, trying not to think. It wasn't working, there didn't seem to be anything he could focus on instead and in that vacuum, three faces kept cycling through his mind: Kenji�s, Kotetsu�s, and Renji�s.

He dropped his head, letting it bang against the tile. The pain didn't help, and he sighed. He felt... wrong. Felt almost... dirty... unworthy of anything... and he was being ridiculous.

Because the reasoning behind it was ridiculous. He felt like he'd cheated. On Kotetsu, on Kenji. With Renji.

He groaned softly and turned around, letting the spray hit his back. He was spiraling. He'd been through it before, when he and Kenji had broken up, but this seemed worse. It wasn�t just breaking up - Kenji had blindsided him and coupled with his recent understanding of his feelings for Kotetsu, everything had compounded.

He knew he was slipping into a depression that would drag him down for days. It would gnaw at him. He�d stop eating, stop sleeping, stop playing games, stop just about everything. He�d float through his workday, ignoring pretty much everyone. Somewhere around the end of a week, he�d be pale, listless and spend the three days following it in bed, though he still wouldn�t sleep. He�d call in to work, turn off his phone and even ignore Kotetsu when the banging on the door started and his friend tried to help. And this time, he was sure, he�d work extra hard to ignore his best friend.

The worst episodes of depression would last a lot longer than a few days. He had to get out of this, stop it before he got there. He knew the signs, could see what was happening.

He told himself that what he'd done with Renji was his business. Just like the trips he�d taken to the clubs, just like the fucks he�d had outside of them - those had been his business, too. What he did with other men was up to him and it didn�t matter.

He reminded himself that just because he had feelings that weren't returned for his best friend, that didn't mean he shouldn't have done it. Kotetsu regularly fucked plenty of other people. Izumo having sex with strangers, even in a bookstore or outside of a club - well, there was nothing wrong with that. He�d been safe every time, he wasn�t a complete fool.

No, the problem here as he saw it was that this time, he�d been sober. The times he�d done it drunk hadn�t bothered him nearly as much.

Of course, when his mind turned to Kenji, that changed things. He'd been wrong - so, so wrong and the thought made him want to throw up. All those years, he'd been wrong about what Kenji had been thinking. He'd been so sure that he hadn't been wanted, so sure that there'd been someone else for Kenji or the man just didn�t want him, and now he knew that to be wrong.

And he'd lost Kenji for good.

No, this definitely made it feel worse - fucking a stranger while sober, losing Kenji, it was all crashing in on him. He bounced his head against the tile again and ignored the water streaming down his face. He let himself pretend it was just the shower. Let himself ignore the salty taste of it. Refused to recognize what it really was.

What was he going to do? How was he going to find a way out of this?

He wished he could get away for a while. But he hadn't taken a vacation separate from his best friend in, well, ever and if he tried now, it would raise all sorts of red flags. He'd never travelled for work and so that wasn't going to happen.

He sighed and picked up the shampoo, dumping too much into his palm. He absentmindedly lathered his hair, almost grateful when some got in his eyes and they watered - at least he had an excuse for red eyes. He was so lost to his thoughts, he didn't hear the phone, at first. It wasn't until the answering machine came on that it got through the fog. He leaned out of the shower to listen.

"Izumo? Kotetsu? Are either of you there and ignoring the phone? It's Mom. I need to talk to you, ask a favor. Call me back as soon as you can. Love you!" There was the click as she hung up and Izumo frowned. It was rare for her to ask them for anything and even more rare for her to ask them to call back right away.

Izumo hurried through the rest of his shower and shut off the water. He snatched the towel off the bar and dried his hair quickly, then wrapped it around himself and headed out to the living room. He wasted no time grabbing up the cordless phone and had the number dialed a few seconds after that.

"Hello?"

"Mom? It's Zumo. What's up? Are you okay?" He knew he was sounding a little frantic, but coupled with the last few days, he was in the exact wrong mindset to get bad news from his mom.

"Oh, honey! I'm fine!" His mother assured him.

"You're not fine. You never ask for favors and the last time you demanded a return call like that was years ago," Izumo reasoned. "So, what's wrong?"

He heard her sigh over the line. "You know, it can be really annoying when your son knows you so well. Usually, I don't fuss about you returning calls because you're good about calling regularly." She chuckled at the sound he made, which caused him to make another. "Really, baby, it's okay. It's nothing major."

Izumo didn't speak at first, letting the silence sit. He wasn't sure he believed her and the worry kept him from saying anything for a moment. Then she sighed. "Listen, I am considering some optional surgery. It's not life-threatening, it is, in fact, elective. But I really should get it. You know I've been having problems with my back?"

Izumo frowned. "Yes. I know you had that disc problem a while back. Did it get worse?"

"Yes and no. Mostly, it just hasn't gotten any better. I can't lift or move patients and that's causing me problems at work. I've talked it over with the orthopedic surgeon and he thinks that, since the injections they were giving me haven't worked, I need to just go through the surgery and be done with it." She paused and sighed. "The thing is, I can't be left alone completely for a while during recovery. I need to have someone, at least part time, at the house with me."

Izumo blinked into space for a moment. "I'll do it. I'll come over. You still have my old bedroom?"

"Oh honey, you don't need to do that. I just thought if you could just come by after work for a while, it would help. I can get my friend Masami to come by when she's done with her shift, too."

"Nonsense. I've heard about this surgery, Mom, you shouldn't be alone at all for at least a couple of weeks. Look, I've got time I can take off, and if you still need me after that, I can stay there, go to work and we can figure out something then." Izumo didn't even wait for her argument. He began a mental list of things to pack to take with him.

"Zumo, you don't need to do that," came the exasperated reply.

"Actually, Mom... I want to. Look, I don't want to get into it now, but... I could use the time away." The words faded toward the end, but he was fairly certain his mom heard it because there was silence on the other end.

"Is everything okay, Zu?" She asked.

"No, not really, but it will be if I can get a bit of time away."

"Well, then, okay. There's a slot available for me on Tuesday, if that's not too soon..."

"No, that's fine. It'll give me a chance to pack and set some things up at work on Monday. I'll be over after work then?" He asked, moving over to his desk and pulling paper and pen to him.

"That sounds great. We can have dinner together. I want something good, anyway, since I won't be able to eat after midnight and will undoubtedly have to go light on Tuesday."

Izumo chuckled at the disgruntled tone. "Sounds good, Mom. I'll see you then."

"Good. And you can tell me what's going on."

Izumo frowned and sighed. Somehow, he knew he wasn't going to get away with not telling her. "Yeah, I'll tell you then. Love you, Mom."

"Love you, too, baby. See you Monday." And with that, she hung up.

Izumo hit the button on the handset and laid it on the desk, then buried his face in his hands for a moment. Over the last few days, he'd started to wonder if maybe he shouldn't just move out, get his own place and put real distance between him and Kotetsu. He knew that they weren't normal, even for best friends. He knew plenty of other best friends that didn't live together almost all their lives, didn't share pretty much everything, like they did.

And it might be better for them both if there was just a bit more space between them.

He could get over his need of Kotetsu. He wouldn't see his best friend going out and fucking strangers all the time and maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to let go of Kotetsu and find someone else.

Well, this would be a good test. If he could make it these two weeks at his mom's, then he'd have to give serious thought to finding his own place.

He dropped his hands and looked around the living room, frowning at their stuff. He'd never given it much thought, but ever since they started living together, they'd rarely labeled things as his or Kotetsu's. There were, of course, a few things that were specifically theirs - the cars were in their respective names, they had their own computers and laptops, that sort of thing. But all the other electronics, their games and movies, the books... and he'd have no idea where to begin with that.

He shook his head at himself. He'd face that when and if it happened. Right now, he had to think about what he'd be taking to his mother's. He turned his attention to the pad of paper and hit the power on his computer at the same time. He could get emails sent ahead of time and maybe get a head start on Monday.

"The last two days have been... weird. It took some fast talking and faster thinking to convince Tetsu to stay home," Izumo said, taking a sip from his tea.

"He wanted to come along?" Hana Kamizuki asked.

Izumo nodded. "Yeah. I convinced him that he should wait, just in case you needed more help, then he could take his vacation and cover two more weeks." Izumo sighed. "So he tried to argue that he�d go to work from there. Honestly, Mom, I don�t get it -- why he was so insistent that he come along."

She smiled, but didn�t say anything at first. "What did you say to convince him to stay home?"

"I reminded him that he hates getting up in the morning and being at your place meant he�d have to get up earlier." Izumo chuckled and shook his head. "He actually still thought about it." He looked up at his mom when she laughed. "What?"

"Nothing. Tetsu can be stubborn."

"No, really?" Izumo said and knew his voice dripped with sarcasm tinged with bitterness but he couldn�t stop it.

"So, tell me about it. What�s going on?" She asked and Izumo frowned.

"I... well... Kenji showed up last week," Izumo started, frowning into his tea.

Hana winced. "Want to tell me what happened?"

"Um..." Izumo began, but the waitress showed up then.

"Hello, Izumo," she greeted him and Izumo tried to smile up at the large lady in the satin, sakura-embroidered dress, but was fairly sure it fell flat.

"Hello," Izumo replied and the waitress frowned.

"What�s wrong, sweetie? And who is this lovely woman? Your sister?"

Izumo�s mother snorted her laughter and grinned. "I�m his mother, Hana."

The waitress winked at her and placed a hand over the massive chest. "Well, I couldn�t tell. Aoi Sasaki," she said, offering her hand and Hana shook it.

Hana�s grin got wider. "Thank you very much. It�s nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too." With another wink, she turned to Izumo. "Now, what�s wrong, sweetie?"

Izumo shot a look at his mom. "Nothing, Mrs. Sasaki. Just, uh, tired."

Mrs. Sasaki snorted. "Izumo, please. I have children." She wagged a finger at him and he caught his mother burying a snicker behind her hand. He threw her a glare. "I know. Is it Tetsu? Is that boy misbehaving again?"

Izumo nearly choked on the sip of tea he took. Mrs. Sasaki took one big hand and pounded him on the back. "I thought so. That boy," she said, shaking her head and exchanging glances with Izumo�s mother. "You tell him that he needs to get his head on straight about you and be done with it." She sighed and shook her head. "What can I get you?"

Izumo couldn�t speak, he sat there, with his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Hana laughed with Mrs. Sasaki then gave her their orders. Izumo still hadn�t recovered by the time the waitress patted his shoulder and left. "I... you... she..." He shook his head and drank the rest of his current cup of tea.

"So. You finally figured out you�re in love with Kotetsu?" Hana asked, sipping her own tea.

Izumo busied himself with pouring another cup and adding the packet of sugar. He sighed. "Yes."

"Let me guess, he hasn�t returned the sentiment?" Hana asked and Izumo nodded.

"You�d be correct." He frowned. "And I�m fairly certain he�s not going to, either, Mom. Kotetsu still thinks he can�t love because of... her." He didn�t have to specify. Both of them knew he was referring to Kotetsu�s biological mother.

"That�s ridiculous," Hana said, sighing. "I would have hoped that by now, he�d have gotten over that."

"Well, thus far, that�s what he thinks. And he said as much not too long ago when one of his dates asked him out again. I think they went out three or four times. Shortly after, I overheard Kotetsu telling the guy that he just didn�t fall in love and he was sorry." Izumo shrugged. "I�ve been thinking that we might just need some space. I figure that if things go okay these two weeks, I might just give serious thought to getting my own place."

"Aww, honey," Hana said, reaching across the table and taking his hand. "Listen, you can always come back home."

"No offense, Mom, but I�m twenty eight. I do not want to be the geek who still lives with his mother at this age."

She laughed. "Point. I can�t say I blame you. But if you need a place even just for the night, remember it�s there."

"Thanks." He sighed.

"Do you want to talk about what happened with Kenji?"

"Not... not really. He came over. I think he�d just come home from another of his tours, but I don�t know how long he was going to be here, this time. I... said some things to him. A lot of which, I regret." He paused and swallowed around the lump, Kenji�s face floating through his mind. "He looked... so bad. I wish I could take them back."

"Honey, don�t be so hard on yourself. Kenji is far from innocent," Hana reminded him.

"But... I had the wrong idea all these years. And... he really did love me." He bit his lip and fought hard to keep from letting the emotion get to him. "All these years, he loved me," he whispered. "He really didn�t want to tie me to someone who wasn�t here."

"He could have left," she pointed out and Izumo nodded.

"I said that. He really didn�t have an answer for that one." He shook his head again. "It�s over between us, for good, this time, I�m afraid."

She squeezed his hand, then sipped at her tea. "Well, I�m sorry to hear it. You never know, though." She smiled when Izumo did, but didn�t push. "I�ll say that he doesn�t deserve you, but I know you�ll write it off as a mother�s bias."

He chuckled. "Thanks, though. I appreciate it."

She reached up and ran her fingers down his cheek. "My poor baby is taking a beating right now. I think you�re right, this time might be good for you. But just... don�t walk away from Kotetsu completely, okay? Promise me that?"

Izumo cast her a puzzled look, but nodded. "I don�t think I could, anyway, Mom. But I won�t. We�ll always be best friends, I�m sure of that much."

"Good. Now, I see Aoi. Let�s enjoy our food. Tomorrow... is going to suck."

Izumo laughed. "Indeed."

* * *

Five days earlier.

"Come on... pick up the phone," Kotetsu muttered, drumming his thumb on the desk. He glanced over to where Izumo was asleep on the couch, brown teddy bear Kotetsu had never seen before clutched to his chest, empty Jameson�s bottle on the coffee table and unused shot glass next to it. When he was sure Izumo was still asleep, he turned back around. He gave the call another two rings, then pulled it away from his face to hang up.

"Hello?"

He nearly slammed the phone back in place. "Kenji?"

"Yes?"

Kotetsu scowled at the terse reply. "Hey, uh... did you come by today? Are you out?"

Silence hung for a long moment, then a heavy sigh came across the line. "Yeah, I was there. Tried to talk to Zumo, but... he doesn�t want me anymore."

Kotetsu would have had to have been deaf to not hear the pain in the man�s voice. But he glanced again at Izumo, at the man who looked like little more than a small child, curled up the way he was, and his lips drew into a thin line. "What happened?"

"I asked him to start over. He told me no. It�s that simple. What else do you need to hear?"

Kotetsu frowned, fighting anger. "Why the hell is he drunk and asleep clutching a fucking teddy bear, if it was that simple?" He asked. "What the fuck did you do to him?"

He could have sworn he heard Kenji grinding his teeth. "Why do you assume I did something to him? Maybe he..." he started, but cut himself off and Kotetsu heard a soft "fuck."

"Do you know the last time he got drunk like this?" Kotetsu asked, holding on to his temper by a thread.

Kenji let the silence sit for a moment. "When?"

"The last time you broke up with him." Kotetsu let that sit for a minute. "He doesn�t get fucking drunk like this. And this time is worse than usual. He managed to finish an entire fifth of Irish whiskey by himself. And if that�s not bad enough, when this is all over, he�ll get depressed. For a fucking week or more, he�ll stop eating, stop sleeping... What the fuck, Kenji?"

"Apparently, I�ve used up my chances, Kotetsu. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that he�s done with me." Kotetsu could have sworn there was something more, something unsaid, so he waited.

But when Kenji didn�t say more, Kotetsu nodded. "I get it. He�s not enough to fight for? You just took the first �no,� no matter how many times he�s been hurt over the years by you, and you walked out." Kotetsu gripped the arm of his computer chair harder, in an attempt to channel the rage that was quickly boiling. "Well, maybe it�s better for him this way."

"What the fuck do you know about it? You can�t love anyone, isn�t that what you said?"

"Fuck you, Kenji. That doesn�t mean I don�t know what should happen with people who do love!" Kotetsu nearly shouted, then checked himself, looking at Izumo again. His friend stirred a little, then settled down once more.

"The fuck you do. Take your ideas about it and shove it. He doesn�t want me, I�m not going to force myself on him. Or you. Even if I�ve loved you all these years, too. Now go the fuck away and leave me alone. You don�t want me, either of you, I get it. So just... stop, okay? Just stop. I�ll tell you what I told him. You deserve each other. And I sincerely hope you get your head out of your ass before it�s too late. Have a good life, Kotetsu. Take care of him for me." And with that, Kenji hung up.

Kotetsu stared into nothingness for the longest time, shocked as hell. Even if I�ve loved you all these years, too. The words bounced around in Kotetsu�s head for a long moment and he couldn�t seem to make them work, couldn�t seem to make them make sense. Just as he gave up, however, they were replaced with others. And I sincerely hope you get your head out of your ass before it�s too late.

He shook his head, dumbfounded. He had no idea what that could possibly mean. He got the "have a good life" and the "take care of him." But he couldn�t fathom what he could possibly have his head up his ass about.

Kotetsu sighed and rubbed his eyes, turning back to Izumo. His friend was going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning if he didn�t get some water and painkiller down that throat. He stood up and went around the couch, stopping to watch Izumo sleep for a moment. Best friends for so many years. He wished he could take his friend�s pain away, wished he could do something for Izumo, but he didn�t know what. With a sigh, he squatted next to the couch.

"Zumo, wake up." He shook Izumo�s shoulder slightly, but the most he got was a few facial twitches. He tried again, a little louder this time, but still no luck. "Dammit, Zu, you�re gonna end up sick at this rate," he grumbled and started to lift his friend in his arms.

"Huh? Tetsu?" Izumo looked around a little, eyes landing on Kotetsu�s face. "Oh. Love you," he muttered, rubbing clumsily at his face. "Know that... love you," he said again and Kotetsu stared at his friend with one eyebrow raised.

"I�m not Kenji, I�m Tetsu," he said and Izumo shook his head, but whatever he said was too garbled to make out. He thought he heard "not Tetsu" but he couldn�t be sure. Kotetsu wondered why that protest - the thought that Izumo insisted it was Kenji holding him and not Kotetsu, was so bothersome. He didn�t love Izumo and Izumo didn�t love him.

And for reasons he couldn�t fathom, even that thought bothered him. He shook his head, shoved the weird thoughts aside and focused on getting his friend to bed. Tomorrow was going to suck.

* * *

He was having trouble breathing. He couldn�t figure it out, he�d been in bed, sleeping. Why couldn�t he breathe?

He struggled to surface from the nightmare, thinking it had to be a nightmare. His mother was a bitch, but she really wouldn�t do this, would she? Would she sell her own twelve-year-old son for the money to buy a bottle? Another bag? To someone like this?

But as he started to move, the struggle turned physical and he felt the arms around his chest. Not a nightmare, it was real. This man wanted him in ways Kotetsu didn�t want to consider - ways he�d seen his mother engaged in and knew he had no interest in, and he kicked hard behind him.

In surprise, the man dropped him to the stained carpet and in a split second, Kotetsu ran for the scarred-wooden door. But it was locked and pathetic as the lock was, before he could get it open, the man was on him again. The arms were stronger than they looked and the leering skulls and naked women that decorated the dark skin danced obscenely as the man held him in a grip that did more to piss Kotetsu off than scare him.

The man grunted and his arms tightened, the more Kotetsu moved. The heat the man gave off seeped into Kotetsu�s back and spurred him on. His movements became frantic and his fists pounded on the arms around him, but the man�s grip was too strong and his small punches were useless. He wiggled and kicked, getting more and more pissed as he went, curses flying from his mouth.

"Go ahead, fight, I like it better that way, little bitch," the voice sounded in his ear, hot breath making his skin crawl, the stench of rotted teeth, stale cigarettes and strong liquor nearly choking him. Kotetsu slipped slightly in the man�s arms, his body dragged along the man�s front and he felt something along his ass that made his stomach roil.

The man shifted him again and one arm held him while the other hand started pulling at his clothes. Kotetsu�s curses got louder and more colorful and he struggled even harder. Then he twisted, found himself on his feet and ran again, but this time, he didn�t bother with the door, knowing he couldn�t get it open.

Instead, his eye was caught by something metal on the counter. Before he could second guess himself, he snatched the steak knife off the counter and turned, holding it out. The sick grin widened, the brown teeth showing through and the man laughed in a way that sent a chill throughout Kotetsu�s small body. "Go ahead, little bitch, do your worst."

Kotetsu saw red, lunged forward and the man�s mouth dropped open in a big O of surprise when blade met and sank into flesh.

Kotetsu�s eyes flew open and he panted hard as he stared at the ceiling, trying to right his world. His heart was pounding, his body shaking with leftover rage and fear. He gulped in air, working to calm himself down as he continued to watch the shadows dance on the ceiling. When the shaking subsided, he sat up slowly and dropped his head into his hands.

He hadn�t had a nightmare like that in years.

He got up and walked out into the kitchen, doing his best to be quiet. It wasn�t until he had the bottle of water in his hand, had it opened and was drinking out if it that he remembered he was alone in the apartment.

And that�s when it hit.

This was the first time he�d been alone, alone in... over twenty years. He and Izumo had stopped sleeping together when they got their own place, and aside from a very few after they moved, he�d stopped having the nightmares. And he hadn�t had one since then.

He realized that it was probably because this was the first time he�d been without Izumo. It didn�t surprise him that it took a few days for them to manifest. He�d been missing his friend since Izumo left on Monday and it was now Thursday. But today had been especially hard, for reasons Kotetsu couldn�t figure out.

He�d snapped at people, was uncharacteristically rude to a few others and was just generally in a bad mood. It hadn�t occurred to him what might have been causing it until he was on his way home and realized that he would either need to stop to pick up something quick or cook for himself. Deciding he didn�t want to be away from the computer - and, thus, the game he played with Izumo - any longer than he had to, he stopped at McDonald�s on the way home.

He had been ridiculously happy to hear Izumo�s voice over the game. He didn�t understand it, chalking it up to the fact that they just didn�t spend a lot of time apart. He could admit that he�d gotten used to having his friend around.

He sighed at himself, finished off the water and tossed the bottle into the recycling. He started to leave the kitchen and frowned at the calendar as he passed it. There was a big red circle on the Sunday that Izumo was due to come home. Kotetsu hoped to hell that the nightmares weren�t going to keep cropping up because he was going to go crazy if they were. And if they did, he�d have to give serious consideration to going to Izumo�s mom�s - his mom�s - even if it meant getting up early.

He was seriously considering it, anyway, though he didn�t know why he wanted to so badly. He sighed, shook his head at himself and headed back to bed, hopeful that he could sleep through the rest of the night.
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Firsts	By : djserani Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1305 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto! I make no money off of this!

Firsts