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Entropy	By : ersatzbeta Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1332 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor do I profit from writing this or any other fanfiction.

Chapter List
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Chapter Thirty
The second Kakashi opened his eyes, he was awake and electric with the suppressed urge to do something. His hangover was gone, the only trace of which was a slight pressure at his temples, too weak to count as a headache. He rolled over and looked at the clock. Nine in the morning. Not bad, really. Searching his memories of the day before, he was pleased to find that they were very nearly intact. He couldn�t remember exactly what he�d said to Genma about ANBU, for example, but he knew now what had happened afterward: Genma had walked him to bed, where he had stripped, albeit inelegantly, and Genma had tucked him in. And then he, Kakashi, had reached for him, had caught him around the shoulders and kissed him.

Feeling a vague sense of guilt, Kakashi spared a moment to send his chakra outward, searching for Sasuke. He was outside, which was quite unusual, but he was stationary. Waiting brought no change, which he supposed was a good thing. Perhaps Sasuke was meditating? Kakashi wanted to shower and get properly dressed before anything else this morning; it was probably for the best that whatever confrontation they were going to have would be delayed.
Kakashi pushed back the covers, mind on yesterday again. He�d meant it as a thank-you, that kiss, but somehow it had grown into a bit more than that. You didn�t thank people with tongue. He was embarrassed, recalling that it had been Genma who had disentangled them, Genma who had pulled away and said goodnight. It had been Genma who had left the room. It should have been Kakashi making those choices, no matter how drunk he was. Kakashi licked his lips. His mouth tasted awful, but he swore he could detect a trace of Genma on him. He shrugged. Probably just his imagination. And then, with that, foreboding rolled over him as he remembered that dream. Kakashi tried to shrug it off. It was nothing but his overworked subconscious, that dream. He couldn't even properly recall it now. It was nothing.
He rose from bed and sequestered himself in the bathroom, where he used lots of hot water and managed to fog up every flat surface in the room. As he wrapped a towel around himself, Kakashi made a note to bring more wood inside for the boiler. Then he brushed his teeth, scrubbing away until the only thing he could taste, the only thing he could feel, was the tingling of the mint toothpaste. He wiped the condensation off the mirror with one hand and was satisfied with his appearance. He looked just like he did on any other day. There would be no way Sasuke could tell what had happened to him yesterday.
As Kakashi exited the bathroom, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He reached for a kunai he didn�t have, and he felt his Sharingan spin. He closed that eye, wishing for a split second that he�d brought his hitai-ate with him into the bathroom. And then he noticed the pale skin and dark hair and significantly low chakra.
�Sasuke,� said Kakashi. �You startled me.�
Knowing who it was didn�t make Kakashi wish for a weapon any less. And it did make him wish he�d brought clean clothing with him into the bathroom. He didn�t like the way Sasuke was looking at him, like he could see right through him. Then again, the way his Sharingan kept flickering in and out of focus, maybe he could. A wave of feelings and half-remembered fragments of dreams washed over Kakashi, stronger than before. His skin crawled. Though he took pains not to show it, Kakashi felt the need to somehow break Sasuke�s intense focus.
�Sasuke,� said Kakashi. �Any particular reason you�re here?�
Though he really wanted to accuse Sasuke of ambushing him, he didn�t want to let Sasuke know how much this encounter bothered him. True, he could blame the whole thing on Sasuke�s current chakra levels--incredibly low and hard to sense--but Kakashi knew that Sasuke shouldn�t have been able to surprise him like this.
�You missed dinner,� said Sasuke.
Sasuke seemed calm. His hands were relaxed, his shoulders not unduly stiff. The only tense thing about him was his eyes as they pin-wheeled in and out of red. Even that motion was less harried than usual.
�I was out longer than I had expected to be,� said Kakashi. �You were asleep when I got back.�
Kakashi's mind worked hard, turning over the possibilities. The only way he wouldn�t notice Sasuke would be if he�d dismissed the threat he presented somewhere along the line, if had decided Sasuke was a safe person. The idea was ludicrous. Sasuke was anything but safe. Hadn�t he shown, time and time again, that he was dangerously unpredictable? Looking at Sasuke now, Kakashi got the impression that he was waiting for something, and so he made efforts to keep the conversation going while he tried to figure it out.
�I didn�t want to wake you,� Kakashi said.
Either he was getting soft with age, or Sasuke was mellowing. He was predictable in his unpredictability; even though Kakashi might not know exactly what Sasuke would do in a given situation, he knew, generally speaking, when Sasuke�s temper reached the boiling point and could at least prepare himself for that.
�I see,� said Sasuke.
What threw Kakashi the most was that Sasuke didn�t appear to be angry now. In the past, he�d have been paranoid, edgy, easily brought to the point of violence. He studied Sasuke again.
Some of the lines around Sasuke�s eyes had relaxed, though his Sharingan did not dissipate. He looked tired. He had circles underneath his eyes, faintly purple and inflamed. Tender-looking. And though Sasuke was fully clothed, Kakashi could almost make out the bruises through his shirt, the bruises that followed his chakra coils, bruises that roused his anger all over again, though it wasn�t so potent this morning as it had been.
�I ran into Shikamaru,� said Kakashi. �He brought apologies from Neji, who has been called away on a mission.�
�I know,� said Sasuke. �He stopped in to see me before he left.�
Sasuke paused. Again, he seemed to look straight through Kakashi.
�I asked him to block my chakra again,� said Sasuke.
Kakashi didn�t know whether to play the fool now or to be more direct. It was the perfect opportunity to try to get some kind of information, some reassurances from Sasuke about his chakra control. He might even be able to guess whether or not Sasuke was aware of the underlying problem. In the end, Kakashi stuck to the party line, the little half-truth they�d all used, though it made him feel ill to say it.
�I�m sure you thought it was necessary,� said Kakashi.
Sasuke frowned. He reached one hand out to Kakashi, dotted with bruises all the way up. He acted as if it were heavy, as if he were not strong enough to hold it up without shaking. Kakashi felt the dregs of his chakra swirling around, trying even then to push out of the blocked pathways. Sasuke let it drop.
�It was necessary,� he said. �Though I wonder�about your arm.�
Kakashi froze. He�d forgotten about that entirely until that moment, had never intended for Sasuke to know about it. He glanced down at the offending limb. The bruises were barely there anymore, but showed up more clearly when his skin was wet, as it was now. No wonder Sasuke had been looking at him like that.
�I�m fine,� said Kakashi. �I asked Neji to demonstrate his technique, that�s all.�
The expression on Sasuke�s face said liar. Sasuke didn�t call him on it, though, and Kakashi felt no need to elaborate; he crushed that impulse as quickly as he could. It would mean nothing but trouble.
�How is Genma?� said Sasuke. �I take it you had a good time?�
And there was the anger he had expected, issuing from Sasuke�s clenched teeth and suddenly tense muscles, from every inch of his body. Kakashi was suddenly glad that Sasuke�s intense stare was fixed on his arm and not his face. He decided it was time to end this conversation.
�If you�ll excuse me,� said Kakashi.
�I�ll wait,� said Sasuke, bitterness alive and well in his tone.
Sasuke leaned against one wall of the hallway, his position reminiscent of another confrontation from another time. This time, though, Kakashi was the one to leave first. He ducked past Sasuke, as politely as he could, and escaped into his bedroom. He felt like a coward.
The whole time he dried and dressed, he could feel Sasuke waiting on the other side of the door. Kakashi didn�t know what Sasuke wanted. Still. Well, he had a few guesses, but he didn�t know anything for certain, and he wasn�t certain he wanted to know.
Kakashi ignored Sasuke�s presence trailing a few steps behind him as he went down to the kitchen in search of something to eat. He thought it was too much to expect of Sasuke to make breakfast for him today, and he was not going to ask, either.
Kakashi found a plate of leftovers in the refrigerator. Sniffing it, he decided it was still good to eat. He sat down at the table with it. Sasuke drifted in and sat across from him. His eyes followed Kakashi�s every move, which made it quite difficult to keep up the pretense of eating. After ten minutes of Kakashi chasing the food around on his plate without actually eating any of it and being watched like a hawk the whole time, Sasuke spoke.
�Are you seeing Genma?� said Sasuke.
If he'd had any food in his mouth, he would have choked on it.
�No,� said Kakashi. �Though we are friends.�
�Then why?� said Sasuke. "Why?"
Sasuke stopped, frustration building in little wrinkles on his forehead. He was, evidently, working hard to control the anger he felt about the situation.
�Then why have sex, you mean?� said Kakashi. �We didn�t.�
He tried very hard not to think of the kiss. It didn�t seem to work because he could still taste the other man, could still feel those lips. But, instead of arousing, he found the whole sensation disturbing.
�But you have,� said Sasuke. �Before.�
�Yes,� said Kakashi. �But that has nothing to do with anything. It�s not relevant.�
All he could think was what would happen if Sasuke knew. Sasuke was too close to him, too close by far; Kakashi promised himself that he�d confess everything, later, when it was just him and his ghosts at the memorial, if he could just get through this unscathed.
�Yes, it is relevant,� said Sasuke. �Because if that�s the way it is��
Kakashi understood what Sasuke was implying, but his logic was, in this case, faulty.
�That is completely different,� said Kakashi.
�How?� said Sasuke. �How is it different?�
He crossed his arms over his chest and waited, eyes locked on Kakashi.
�Well,� said Kakashi.
He tried to find an explanation that would both mollify Sasuke and not suggest that things were any more or less than they were. He didn�t want Sasuke getting ideas about this thing between them.
It struck Kakashi with all the force of a major head trauma, and he was dizzied by the blow.
The status quo had changed without his noticing, without his acknowledgement and conscious consent. Things had changed between him and Sasuke. It horrified Kakashi that he couldn't take it back somehow, couldn�t undo whatever had lead to this. He hadn't noticed it before, he who purported to look underneath the underneath. But maybe it hadn't been hidden. Maybe it had been obvious all along, but Kakashi had been misinterpreting it the entire time. He couldn't pinpoint when everything had shifted, and that was perhaps the worst part of all. A feeling of dread, a black hole in the ground, yawned open before Kakashi and he skirted the edge.
Kakashi had to re-evaluate everything now, and that fundamental change to the way he perceived things was overwhelming. This realization put a heaviness into the air, into every gesture. Everything he did or said--or didn't do or left unsaid--would have extra meaning now and probably had for some time. It made it hard for him to breathe, feeling the weight of it all. The food in his mouth turned to lead as he tried to swallow it. After all, he couldn't just spit it out: he didn�t want Sasuke thinking his cooking was bad.
He couldn�t breathe.
�Kakashi?� said Sasuke. �Are you all right?�
He heard this dimly, as if through a long tunnel or from deep underwater. His heart raced and he couldn�t breathe and white noise rushed into his head, into his ears. He forced one deep breath into his lungs, fought to speak, to reassure Sasuke that nothing was wrong�even though everything was. Kakashi felt a great invisible hand squeezing him, bearing down on him. His heart beat insistently, overwhelming his hearing. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
��M fine,� Kakashi said. �Really--�
From a little place far away from his body, Kakashi realized that he was about to pass out. Fine. That was fine. Everything would be fine if he could just calm---
And then there was nothing.
A/N: Okay. So this is actually my third attempt at writing this chapter, and I'm still not entirely happy with it. Yes, that's right, I now have two extra chapters that are just hanging around on my hard drive. One of them I might actually be able to use later in the story.
I'm not sure what it is that I still am not liking in this chapter. Maybe I think it's a bit early for Kakashi to be having this particular revelation? But it had to happen sometime...Though, I suppose, it could be a false start and he's going to have to do it again later. I don't know. I even re-read the story so far to try and get some sort of perspective, and I still don't know.
Now, on to another bit of business: email update notifications. I don't want to start a list if no one is going to be on it. If, say, at least five people were to want such a thing, I think it would be worth my time.
If you want to be signed up for the notification list, send me an email at: ersatzbeta @ gmail.com Please put something about Entropy in it somewhere, just so I know it isn't random spam. I don't know if there will be enough interest in a list to actually do it--either way, I will email you back.
I still have no set update schedule, but, unless some miracle happens, I should be back sometime next weekend with another chapter. I hope you've enjoyed reading!
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Entropy