Dirty Little Secret
folder
Naruto › Yaoi - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
35
Views:
1,933
Reviews:
88
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Naruto › Yaoi - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
35
Views:
1,933
Reviews:
88
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not Naruto and and I do not make any money from these writings.
Chapter 30
A/N: I can't believe that I've written a fic 30 chapters long. XD And it is STILL not done. LOL
CHAPTER 30
“I wasn’t. Not while the Rin’negan was active.”
That made Kakashi pause and look down at him.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
Nagato tried several times, opening his mouth, searching for the right words and then closing his mouth when he couldn’t. Finally, he said:
“The Rin’negan, the special abilities it granted aside, had one very important side effect. When it manifested for the first time I was but a boy, and my friend and I were cornered by enemy nin who would have killed us… or worse. I used it for the first time then. I have no memory of the battle itself – I blacked out completely during it. When I came to, I realized that I had killed them all, only I didn’t remember doing so. I was… I was horrified at what I had done. At the lives I had taken. I was horrified that I was capable of such a deed.”
Kakashi’s arms tightened around Nagato as the red-head paused again before continuing.
“In time, I learned how to use it consciously. The more I used it, the more addicted I became to the power it offered me, with no regard to the consequences.”
“I still don’t understand…”
“The Rin’negan itself has a powerful psychological effect on its bearer, Kakashi-san. Because it is so addictive, it begins to lower the inhibitions, to blur the sense of what is right and what is wrong. When you have this much power at your fingertips, it seems like you can do anything, absolutely anything, and it will be the right thing to do.”
“So it essentially turns you into a sociopath.” Kakashi pointed out.
Nagato flinched at the term, but nodded sadly.
“Yes, in a way.”
“But if you were not in control of yourself, why do you feel responsible for what you have done?”
There was another lengthly pause as Nagato laid his head on Kakashi’s shoulder. When he spoke eventually, his voice was almost inaudible.
“I was in control, Kakashi-san. The Rin’negan cannot make you do something you don’t want to do. All that one does under its influence is already inside of them – whatever desires and feelings they have, regardless of how terrible they may be. The Rin’negan itself is not darkness – but it lowers the mind’s natural barrier against it. What I did to my own village, to Suna, to Konoha – all of it I wanted to do. I wanted it. And the Rin’negan gave me the means with which to do it.
It was a difficult piece of information to swallow. Despite the warm water, Kakashi felt cold.
“What about Jiraiya-sama. Did he not look after you? Why would you want to kill him?” he asked, unable to stifle the accusing tone of his voice.
Nagato seemed to fold in on himself at those words, but Kakashi continued:
“Was it to make us hurt? You claimed that all you did was so that you can cause pain. Is that why you did it?”
The red-head listened with his head bowed in shame. When he finally spoke, his voice was barely audible.
“No. No, Kakashi-san.” He took a deep, shuddering breath then continued. “I killed Jiraiya-sensei because I wanted to make him pay.”
“Pay for what, exactly?” Kakashi asked sharply.
“For leaving us behind. Konan, and Yahiko and me.” He whispered.
“He took you all in! He looked after you!”
“Yes. And then he abandoned us. We were homeless orphans, Kakashi-san… and he showed us what is it like to have a family again. All three of us hoped… we hoped so much that he’d take us with him when he returned to Konoha. But he didn’t. He just upped and went one day. I hated him for it. He abandoned us, like everyone else.”
Kakashi didn’t know what to say to that. He knew how much it hurt to be abandoned. And he also knew that deep down, one always thought that that they were the reason for being left behind. Just as he could never forgive himself for his father. Even so, he had hated the man for killing himself, for leaving him behind. He had hated him so furiously that he had denied all that the man believed in, trying to spite him even in his death. Only when he lost Obito he realised how wrong that had been, but by that time, it was too late to fix his mistakes.
He opened his mouth to say that, but Nagato wasn’t done.
“And Konoha too. I took pleasure in attacking this village, Kakashi-san. The village Jiraiya-sensei had abandoned us for, turned his back on us and left us in the wilderness. I blamed him for what happened to Yahiko. I blamed him for everything, and by proxy, I blamed Konoha too. I used justified the attack with my own goals as an Akatsuki leader… but in the end, I attacked you because I wanted to destroy what Jiraiya-sensei held so dear… what was more precious than us in his eyes.”
Kakashi couldn’t bear to even look at him.
“It is the depth of my folly, Kakashi-san.” The red-head admitted softly.
The younger man sharply extracted himself from Nahato’s embrace and pulled himself out of the bathtub, dripping water on the tiled floor, looking furiously at the bowed head, biting his lips in an attempt to remain calm.
“Does he know this?” he hissed, both of them knowing who “he” was.
Nagato shook his head.
“No.” his voice cracked.
Kakashi pulled the plug of the tub and let the water drain, then threw the towel to Nagato.
“Dry yourself. I’ll lead you back to your room afterwards.”
“Kakashi-san…” the tone was desperate and pleading.
“Nagato. I cannot bear to look at you like now.” Kakashi said coldly.
A soft, keening wail left the red-head’s pierced lips, but he didn’t protest, drying himself and dressing himself quietly, fingers trembling with barely withheld emotion.
CHAPTER 30
“I wasn’t. Not while the Rin’negan was active.”
That made Kakashi pause and look down at him.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
Nagato tried several times, opening his mouth, searching for the right words and then closing his mouth when he couldn’t. Finally, he said:
“The Rin’negan, the special abilities it granted aside, had one very important side effect. When it manifested for the first time I was but a boy, and my friend and I were cornered by enemy nin who would have killed us… or worse. I used it for the first time then. I have no memory of the battle itself – I blacked out completely during it. When I came to, I realized that I had killed them all, only I didn’t remember doing so. I was… I was horrified at what I had done. At the lives I had taken. I was horrified that I was capable of such a deed.”
Kakashi’s arms tightened around Nagato as the red-head paused again before continuing.
“In time, I learned how to use it consciously. The more I used it, the more addicted I became to the power it offered me, with no regard to the consequences.”
“I still don’t understand…”
“The Rin’negan itself has a powerful psychological effect on its bearer, Kakashi-san. Because it is so addictive, it begins to lower the inhibitions, to blur the sense of what is right and what is wrong. When you have this much power at your fingertips, it seems like you can do anything, absolutely anything, and it will be the right thing to do.”
“So it essentially turns you into a sociopath.” Kakashi pointed out.
Nagato flinched at the term, but nodded sadly.
“Yes, in a way.”
“But if you were not in control of yourself, why do you feel responsible for what you have done?”
There was another lengthly pause as Nagato laid his head on Kakashi’s shoulder. When he spoke eventually, his voice was almost inaudible.
“I was in control, Kakashi-san. The Rin’negan cannot make you do something you don’t want to do. All that one does under its influence is already inside of them – whatever desires and feelings they have, regardless of how terrible they may be. The Rin’negan itself is not darkness – but it lowers the mind’s natural barrier against it. What I did to my own village, to Suna, to Konoha – all of it I wanted to do. I wanted it. And the Rin’negan gave me the means with which to do it.
It was a difficult piece of information to swallow. Despite the warm water, Kakashi felt cold.
“What about Jiraiya-sama. Did he not look after you? Why would you want to kill him?” he asked, unable to stifle the accusing tone of his voice.
Nagato seemed to fold in on himself at those words, but Kakashi continued:
“Was it to make us hurt? You claimed that all you did was so that you can cause pain. Is that why you did it?”
The red-head listened with his head bowed in shame. When he finally spoke, his voice was barely audible.
“No. No, Kakashi-san.” He took a deep, shuddering breath then continued. “I killed Jiraiya-sensei because I wanted to make him pay.”
“Pay for what, exactly?” Kakashi asked sharply.
“For leaving us behind. Konan, and Yahiko and me.” He whispered.
“He took you all in! He looked after you!”
“Yes. And then he abandoned us. We were homeless orphans, Kakashi-san… and he showed us what is it like to have a family again. All three of us hoped… we hoped so much that he’d take us with him when he returned to Konoha. But he didn’t. He just upped and went one day. I hated him for it. He abandoned us, like everyone else.”
Kakashi didn’t know what to say to that. He knew how much it hurt to be abandoned. And he also knew that deep down, one always thought that that they were the reason for being left behind. Just as he could never forgive himself for his father. Even so, he had hated the man for killing himself, for leaving him behind. He had hated him so furiously that he had denied all that the man believed in, trying to spite him even in his death. Only when he lost Obito he realised how wrong that had been, but by that time, it was too late to fix his mistakes.
He opened his mouth to say that, but Nagato wasn’t done.
“And Konoha too. I took pleasure in attacking this village, Kakashi-san. The village Jiraiya-sensei had abandoned us for, turned his back on us and left us in the wilderness. I blamed him for what happened to Yahiko. I blamed him for everything, and by proxy, I blamed Konoha too. I used justified the attack with my own goals as an Akatsuki leader… but in the end, I attacked you because I wanted to destroy what Jiraiya-sensei held so dear… what was more precious than us in his eyes.”
Kakashi couldn’t bear to even look at him.
“It is the depth of my folly, Kakashi-san.” The red-head admitted softly.
The younger man sharply extracted himself from Nahato’s embrace and pulled himself out of the bathtub, dripping water on the tiled floor, looking furiously at the bowed head, biting his lips in an attempt to remain calm.
“Does he know this?” he hissed, both of them knowing who “he” was.
Nagato shook his head.
“No.” his voice cracked.
Kakashi pulled the plug of the tub and let the water drain, then threw the towel to Nagato.
“Dry yourself. I’ll lead you back to your room afterwards.”
“Kakashi-san…” the tone was desperate and pleading.
“Nagato. I cannot bear to look at you like now.” Kakashi said coldly.
A soft, keening wail left the red-head’s pierced lips, but he didn’t protest, drying himself and dressing himself quietly, fingers trembling with barely withheld emotion.