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Thus you shall go to the stars	By : drakoniss Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male > Shikamaru/Naruto Views: 3619 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and make no money on the fiction I write.

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Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

W. Clement Stone

"

"But I am just this… quite, smart guy. Why, out of all people, would he want me?"

"Some people find quiet, smart guys really hot, Shika. I wanted you."

With a soft smile, Ino patted Shikamaru's head in motherly fashion. Not being able to find anything to argue with, Shikamaru sighed.

"What am I to do, Ino ?"

"I was never his biggest fan; you know that." She pursed her lips trying not to pass judgment and only half way succeeding. " But… If you don't want him – walk away; If you do - act on it. But do something, Shikamaru, before he will. If you push him far enough, he will do something you will both regret. He is… that stupid."

Shikamaru sighed again twisting the longish end of the pony tail around his index finger in a decade old habit. Thinking; contemplating; analyzing;

"Stop it. "Ino ordered at once. "Stop it. Forget about what your brain says. Listen to your heart."

"My heart only knows that it wants him. It does not have any idea about future risks and past loves."

"That's what love is all about, silly. If you are not ready to chance it all, it's probably not the real thing. You love him, don't you?"

"More …than ever thought I could.

"Well, then; Take my advice – shoot for the moon; because in my eyes, landing between stars is not such a horrible second option."

"What is that supposed to mean?

"Love, even when unrequited, is the biggest gift you can ever receive. Better to experience happiness loving somebody and never have them, then never love at all.'

Woman and their logic, or to be precise – lack of it. One of the reasons why Shikamaru could not imagine himself with one.

"Trust me; I know what I am talking about."

Somewhere inside the house, Ino's daughter wailed, and then after few seconds settled back to sleep, quieting down completely. Shikamaru eyes fell at the picture of Ino's husband, - a quiet, shy Shinobi he'd only met once. He was killed shortly after their child was born, tortured for days and then set on fire after the undercover operation to infiltrate Akatsuki forces gone sour. Maybe Ino did know. Maybe lack of logic sometimes was better than too much of it, after all.

"You need to get yourself a man."

He suggested forgetting about his own troubles for the time being.

"You wanna get back together?"

Shikamaru snorted; raised from his chair and planted a quick kiss on the top of bent, streaked with silver head.

"Not in a million years, woman. I'd rather take my chances with Naruto."

Seemingly humored by his remark she got up to check on her daughter, giving him a farewell hug and a slap on his shoulder.

" I am rooting for you, boy."

As usual, she'd taken Naruto out of the equation, as if he did not exist at all.

"

The sultry music of a traveling band coming from a dimly lit corner of the bar made Shikamaru feel uneasy; uncomfortable, to be precise, like he was sixteen years old again and visiting the only brothel in Konoha for the first time. Force-fed traditional values with his mother's milk he never learned to enjoy these kinds of places; never relaxed in them, never appreciated what his friends came here for. The very idea of woman trading sexual favors with married men for a couple of yen never sat right with his overbearing conscience. Maybe Naruto was right – maybe he was a prude – but he was too old, and too set in his own ways to do anything about it; nor that he wanted too.

"It's just a job." Chouji liked to explain with most convincing expression." Like any other job. Some girls choose to be kunoichi, some, - housewives, and some…."

"Whores?" Shikamaru inquired with a climb of inky eyebrows."Uhuh.'

"Why not?

"I don't see why yes, is all."

"You know Shikamaru… your mother is not … around anymore. You don't need to prove your virtue to her, or to anyone else. Relax, and live a little, man."

"This is not about my mother."

"The hell it is not. Don't let her insane ideas rule your life, too. Your father suffered enough for both of you, ehh?"

"Are you saying I am purposely behaving in certain way to please my dead mother?"

"I am saying get that stick out of your ass, and go take a shot."

Shaking rusty mane in exasperation Chouji walked away pointing with crooked thumb over his shoulder towards the bar.

Not as if Shikamaru could please her – no matter how hard he tried, he never would be able to live up to her expectations. Especially when he came to realize that there was no way he could have changed the fact that he craved, actively pursued, and had sex with men. Telling her though… that had been, in a way, a big mistake.

The dance poles situated strategically around every card table made Shikamaru's skin prickle with pins and needles of unidentified danger, almost like he was in the middle of a mission in the enemy land he never stepped a foot in before. Trouble was brewing in the humid air of the bar heavy with perfume and perspiration, trouble with Hokage's' name attached to it. Who did not approach him yet, did not move from his spot at the card table where a naked girl poured beer in his glass, third and counting. Naruto made an idle conversation with her thigh, one hand on her ass, eyes firmly fastened to the side of Shikamaru's head making the spot tingle with pressure. He furiously scowled inside the honey depth of his own drink, and stared back in annoyance, instant air of challenge flaring up inside, quick and hot. This is how it's been with them lately – one minute they were fine, carefully threading the unfamiliar waters, the second at each other's throats, each trying to prove to another who knows what. Something had to give, soon, and tonight seemed to as good of a night as any.

"Shikamaru." Naruto slid behind the table across, toothy grin not quite reaching his eyes. "See anything you like?"

"No."

By the glazed, distant look in Naruto's eyes, Shikamaru could tell that Hokage seemed to in one of his moods; not that Nine Tails had any real power over him, or Naruto could not successfully fight him – it's just that sometimes he simply did not bother.

"Right. Too many women. I forgot, they don't turn you on, Say… does anything? Does anyone?"

"Shut up, Naruto;" Shikamaru warned shortly, in a low, even voice, without raising his eyes from the deck of card in his hands. "Before it's too late and you wake up hating yourself tomorrow."

"Oh, but the night is young."

With a deliberate squint Naruto brought his watch wrist closer to his face.

Shikamaru shot him a dark look. So this is the way Naruto wanted to play. Fine. Maybe he needed some good ass kicking to return to his senses – or maybe they both needed it. Why fight the inevitable?

"A game? "Naruto finally said sounding bored. "Just me and you?"

" Fine.'

"If I win, I get to make a wish.'

"You won't win."

He ignored the inaudible warning in Chouji's eyes asking, begging him not to take the bait. But Shikamaru liked a good challenge as much as the next guy, and taking Naruto's terrible luck in consideration he felt himself to be in a pretty secure territory. The current Hokage inherited Tsunade's name of a legendary sucker after all;

"Fine."

"Fine."

He did not like cards as much as he liked shogi, but still he played to beat the boredom, and sometimes to please Naruto when they were alone. Naruto sucked. He never won, not once, not even when Shikamaru tried to downplay himself and give him hints. Naruto simply did not see them. He would get mad, and stop thinking altogether – a famous temper that made people of Konoha sleep well at night. Every time Naruto lost Shikamaru only laughed, offering him to play against Tsunade instead. Naruto sulked and cooked food, and after they were fed and half way drunk, Shikamaru always ended up with strangely unsettled feeling, like he was left the biggest loser of all.

How Naruto had won tonight, or what means he used to do that, Shikamaru never wanted to know.

"It better not be about my hair.'

He warned, heartbeat picking up the frenzied pace with every passing` second.

"It's not."

Naruto grinned, a wide and ridiculously gorgeous grin, and pointed towards the dance pole with a slight movement of his head.

And just like that, Shikamaru knew that his life after this would never be the same; with his mouth clamped shut he stared straight ahead inside the glacial depth of Naruto's eyes, waiting for them to thaw; the moment never came.

"Dance, for me, Shikamaru.'

"

There was this Shinobi who traveled through Konoha some years back that found this kind of thing really hot. Shikamaru did not mind doing it for him – in the privacy of their own bedroom, of course. They dated for the whole three month, so by the time they went their separate ways Shikamaru became quiet proficient in it; he kind of liked it, actually. But once again, in the privacy of his own bedroom. Here – with his childhood friends and comrades, Chouji for fucks sake, Naruto, – watching, he did not know how he would be able to look any of them in the eye tomorrow. And Naruto knew it, that bastard, this affinity for privacy that Shikamaru had, his reluctance to flaunt anything about himself – neither his mind, his soul, or his body. And he still dared… to ask him to undress in front of the room fool of people, friends and strangers alike, and play a fucking whore.

"Are you out of your mind?'

Turning around to face Naruto, white from fury, Chouji's voice rang loud and clear in the still silence of the bar. Even the band stopped playing, and the owner hovering not too far away from their table froze on the spot.

"How cute. Best friend to the rescue. Or are you two more then friends now days? Did I miss something, Shikamaru?"

"Chouji." Shikamaru advised, intense look passing between Naruto and him like a strike of lightning gone bad. "Shut up. I can handle this."

"As you wish." With a loud noise he stood up from the table, and walked out of the bar shaking his head." But I am not staying to watch this. This is fucking boolshit.'

One by one, his friends followed Chouji's stride, afraid to leave and anger Naruto, a lot more afraid to stay. In a span of five minutes the whole place emptied, save for the band, all too curious strippers, and the owner.

"Would you like a private room, Hokage Sama?"

The owner asked, signaling for the girls to bring more drinks to their table.

"Yeah." Naruto shrugged." I think I would. Make sure the music is loud enough though. It's just not the same without it."

"

"Oh, you fucking, fucking asshole."

He did not even feel the pain at the point of impact when his hand connected with Naruto's jaw sending him stammering back several steps to sag heavily against the wall.

"Ouch."

Naruto's hand came back smeared with blood from his split lip that was dripping profusely on the hardwood floors making a small size paddle. Shikamaru charged again, and this time caught him on the left side of his cheek, before Naruto finally got a hold of his hands, and with unfathomable amount of strength twisted them behind Shikamaru's back, holding them firmly together while waiting for him to come down. His lip still bled, some of it getting on Shikamaru's naked chest and belly.

"You know, you should've at least gotten dressed first."

He said conversationally, paying no attention to his injuries, neither the lip, nor the cheek that was swelling up in a rapid progression threatening to close his left eye.

"I thought we were friends!"

Shikamaru hissed twisting free, way pass carrying about his current state of undress –what was there to care about at this point? Naruto saw everything there was to see, and some. Most of the guys he'd fucked, even they weren't shown as much as Naruto made him display tonight.

"We are." Naruto sighed and approached him carefully, like a skittish deer expected to bolt at any second, and then thrown a blanket over naked shoulders, urging Shikamaru to take it. "We are friends."

"I am just the guy you have not had yet. In the end, this is all it comes down too. It's true, is not it, Naruto?"

"It's not true, and you know it."

Bastard had … the audacity to look offended.

"All my friends… Chouji… what if they decided to stay? How would I look them in the eye, tomorrow? How… how would I work with Chouji after that? You fucking know the way I am, Naruto, and you still did it!"

"They would leave." Naruto said in a sure voice that did not leave any room for doubt.

"And what if they did not? What if somebody stayed?"

"Then I would not have made you dance. I would've taken everything back. I do know the way you are. But fuck… you've been doing this to me for years! You are so close all the time, close enough to touch, and when I finally reach, you slip away like I imagined you… like you'd never been… You don't say yes, but you don't say no either! What a guy to do, huh? You drive me so close to the wall, it's only a matter of time before I ram back! "

"Oh no, you don't…" Shikamaru took a step forward losing the blanket and stood naked once again, illuminated by the only lamp in the room shining down on him from the ornate ceiling. There was no heater, only the draft from the hole in the window, cold air blowing over bare skin covered with goose bumps, drying tear trails on his cheeks, his limp cock, but he did not feel it, did not care about it, did not register the cold. "… Dare to make it all my fault, Naruto. You know why I won't be with you, you know better than anyone in the world… but you still push, and then it's my fault?"

"All I know..." Naruto uttered half brokenly. "… Is that I want you. I want you, and I've wanted you for years. I fall asleep with your name on my lips, and I wake up with it. All day when I am working, all I see in front of my eyes is your face. Every time you leave for a mission, I am crazy with worry, I pace the room, I don't eat, I don't rest, I can't think one straight thought when you are gone. I am jealous – jealous all the time – of everyone; even girls. I am so… in love with you, I will do anything - anything at all for you to notice me… and you still don't."

"You have to go."

His voice rang strange and hollow to his own ears, and he wanted nothing more than go home and sleep, and pretend all of this had been a bad dream.

"Shikamaru… Please. Not like this. Just… don't end it like this. Please. "

He saw Naruto cry, once, when Sasuke slipped away from them disappearing forever in the veil of red smoke from the explosion he had caused. That gut wrenching emotion of seeing Naruto suffer, and not being able to do anything about it, not a single thing, came back with a vengeance. If he had to see it again, he would not be able to walk away.

"I'll talk to you later, okay?"

Shikamaru picked up the blanket, and walking pass Naruto's motionless figure hurried out of the room, shaken by the tremors that had nothing to do with the temperature outside.

"

He was wearing an old hoodie that matched the pallid color of his skin and appeared aged five years since last night. Hands stuffed deep inside the pockets of loose pants Naruto threw an anguished look back at Shikamaru, bringing back memories from many years ago, of a lonely child he'd once met in a constant search for approval; so long in the past that it did not seem like the truth to him, anymore. Had Naruto been like this before? Unsure… Sad? Reticent?"

"What do you want?"

The sound of his voice carried a tired ring to it, like that of a wounded deer bleeding sluggishly on the snow.

"Can I come in?"

Naruto seemed to think about it, worrying the inside of a broken lip, with his teeth.

"I don't know." Came a hesitant, entirely too candid answer "Yeah. Maybe. Depends."

Shikamaru sighed. He deserved it, he supposed; even though he knew what he came here for – it was only fair if Naruto got better acquainted with the rules of the game.

"Depends on what?"

"On how long you will be stayin."

"How long do you want me to stay?

Naruto's directed a faint smile towards Shikamaru, too crooked because of the fat side of his lip, and shrugged, endearingly.

"How about forever?"

The spring had begun, but there were still strong winds coming from the North in gusts, and the chill in the air that Shikamaru felt deep inside his bones. He never promised anything to anyone that he knew he could not give, and today was no exception. Especially when some small part of him, despite all the evidence given, still believed that no matter what Naruto did or say, he was still hung up on Sasuke, and always would be.

"I did not think so."

"I'll stay for as long as you want me. If you still want me."

"You think something drastically changed since last night because you called me names and gave me a fat lip? That I am suddenly not in love with you, anymore, because of that?"

"Can we leave the love part alone? For now?"

"Fine." Naruto acceded, some of the tension leaving tired face, eyes growing warmer." Madly in lust."

"Naruto.. Are you still madly in lust with me?"

"Did I tell you that I love the way you say my name? Nobody makes it sound like you do."

"No." Shikamaru smiled just barely, with very corners of his mouth." You forgot to mention that."

"You can come in." Naruto's solid frame still blocked the entranceway to the house. 'But if you do, I want to tell you beforehand what's going to happen here. So there would not be any surprises anymore."

"Okay."

"If you come in… I will kiss you. I wanted too for years you know; we will kiss – but not for long, because even as much as I would want to finally savor the moment, memorizes your taste, and texture, and the ring of your desire… I won't have the patience for it. I waited that long; and then you will take that tie out so I can finally see those gorgeous, gorgeous locks of yours frame your face, uncomfortable but flushed from want at the same time. It will fall in slick wisps ending right above your shoulder blades, the whole magnificent mass of it; tickling the line of your collarbone, tips curling just slightly inwards. How long is your hair now, Shikamaru? It's been a while since I saw it down."

"It's exactly that long."

"I thought so." Naruto paused, and brought his hand to play with the strings at the hem of Shikamamru's hoodie, lightly pulling on the ends to inch him closer. "Then I will tear your clothes off, because I'll have no patience to undress you, or to wait for you to undress; until there is not a stitch left on you. You know what it did to me, all these years, seeing you half naked, partially naked, completely naked, and not being able to touch? "

"What?

"It drove me mad."

"Sorry."

Shikamaru offered in a hitched whisper – the only half intelligent thing that came to his mind.

"I would like to tell you that out first time will be in bed, slow start and hours of foreplay… candles and some other romantic crap… oh, I want that – I want all of that with you… But we won't make it that far. Not the first time. The first time… we will do it in my living room in front of the fire place, on a bearskin rug, because this is the closest soft surface ahead. And it won't be slow, or gentle, or careful. I've been desperate to have you for so long, honey, this is your fault I won't be able to pace myself, even for a little bit. You want this, don't you, Shikamaru? Did you want this for a long time, too?"

He did want this. Of course he did.

"If you are trying to scare me, it is not working."

"Still want to come in, then?"

"I am turning into icicle here, Naruto. Let me in and warm me up."

"Okay."

Shikamaru brought his feet over the front porch and sighed contently, melting inside Naruto's warm, too possessive arms. The door behind him closed with a soft, meaningful click, the only sound that reminded Shikamaru that world still existed outside of this embrace, and that he still remained a part of it. There would be no way back; he was sure of it; nor that there was any other road but this that finally lead him to Naruto in such long, perplexing way. This is the way it had to be – the only way; Shikamaru now knew it. And he accepted it completely, with every small fiber of his soul that now seemed to click in perfect alignment with Naruto's own.

"

"I am cold."

Naruto complained mostly to get Shikamaru's attention and snuggled deeper inside orange furs. He looked absolutely– gorgeous - in the bluish hue of frosty air with snowy mountain peaks looming behind his back. Shikamaru's hand itched to run his fingers through short, blond hair, trace silver scar splitting the left side of his face, all the way from cheekbone to the middle of strong chin. Kiss away the frown from the pale lips, warm the cold nose with his own, hot breath.

"Gonna get even colder come tomorrow. We are getting closer."

"Only you know how to completely burst man's bubble."

"Hey. Don't blame the messenger."

It's been four days since they left Konoha and sailed over the mirror surface of steel colored waters of the connected lakes, the new one beginning where the other ended, until they all became one great, continual body of water in Shikamaru's eyes; freezing to the touch and gray in color, the solid underbelly hiding many feet below the bottom of their small boat. He never liked water much; it made him feel uneasy and small, helpless in a way he could not explain. Out of all the ways to die, he would hate drowning the most, he decided, observing Naruto's withdrawn expression, cheeks tinged with pink from the frost. A little longer, and the water would begin to freeze; they would need to make the rest of the way by foot.

"A question."

Shikamaru brought a match to the tip of a new cigarette, and inhaled, deeply. His lungs hurt more and more with every breath he took, making it harder to think, take small nap breaks, and row that stupid, stupid boat.

"What?" Naruto shivered, blind eyes seeking out Shikamaru's face." You finally want to talk to me?'

"What did he do?'

"Who?'

"Sasuke. What did he do… that was so good, that makes you to go to all this trouble to save him? I understand you don't need a reason to love somebody, but still… Sasuke is a selfish f bastard; all he'd done entire life was to hurt, disrespect, and step over the heads of people that cared for him. What did he do to make you to go to all this trouble to save him?.."

"Nothing." Naruto replied softly, dejectedly, making Shikamaru feel like he failed to grasp something very important in his answer; he should not have asked; it was none if his business, he should not have judged other people's feelings…Naruto's feelings. The only man he ever loved, and whose happiness mattered to him above all – above everything, really.

"Sorry. It is not any of my business."

"Nothing." Naruto carried on gazing up above Shikamaru's bent head into the winter sky, rich with array of colors ranging from the palest baby blues to the intense, deep indigo and harsh, cobalt hues. "This is why I am not doing this to save Sasuke. He is beyond saving, and honestly, I don't even know where the hell he is, and what he is doing."

"What?'

Shikamaru inhaled again. A bad, bad, bad feeling rose up from within, swift and final like a cloud of poisonous gas that destroyed his lungs, the pieces of a puzzle finally clicking together inside his head.

Naruto sighed, guiltily, and shrugged an all too familiar, endearing shrug.

"I am not doing this to save Sasuke, baby. I am doing this to save you."
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Thus you shall go to the stars