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Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy	By : rachmax007 Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1034 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
- 4
Disclaimer: Naruto and Queer Eye for the Straight
Guy, I own not.
~*~
A/N: I�m on a roll! Another chapter done! Yay! And
it�s even longer! I wrote this with tender loving crack�. I mean, care! Also,
this chapter is dedicated to chibi okama, my buddy who just had a birthday! Yay! Otanjoubi omedetto! I so did not forget your birthday� Sorry for the
lateness of my gift though�
Anyways, the rest of you guys just read on and enjoy!
~*~

Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy

~*~

Chapter 3: It Has Begun

~*~

Naruto shielded his face. The
sudden flash of light proved to be too much for his poor irises. He opened his
eyes slowly (they still hurt), only to see stars of different colors and sizes
dancing in his field of vision. He took a moment to recover and blinked a few
more times for good measure.
Damn, this must be how movie stars feel all the time�
He then realized that it was only Rock Lee�s Nice Guy Smile�. He wondered if
those sparkling teeth could glow in the dark from too much bleaching.
Imagine a set of teeth floating in the dark.
Ooh. Scary.
Regaining his composure, Naruto shook the thought
off and rose to his position. He had to handle this. He was the leader, after
all. He smirked.
�Rock Lee, we�re here to give you a make-over.�
Their gracious host smiled (it was toned down by ten notches so it was more
bearable) and ushered them in the nicely-kept house.
Well, it was nicely kept, save for the posters of Maito
Gai all over the walls.
Now those were disturbing.
Naruto stole glances at his teammates, checking if
their sanity was still intact.
Maru-san looked kind of revolted, but he said
nothing so that should be okay.
Neji didn�t even bat an eyelash. He was used to it
and had seen worse. After all, he was a part of Team Gai
back in his genin days. Naruto
felt a twinge of sympathy for his comrade.
Nobody should suffer that much�
Sasuke�s face was as stoic
as ever, but the goose bumps on his arms betrayed his cool fa�ade.
Itachi, on the other hand, looked like he knew
this all along! And he probably did, the sneaky bastard�
Naruto felt a vein pop.
Is there anything he doesn�t know?
His annoyance lingered, but he kept it under wraps for the sake of
professionalism.
They were offered seats and they settled on the green couches. Lee opted for
a beanbag of the same color. Come to think of it, almost everything in his
living room was in shades of green, except for the occasional orange pillow and
brown oak tables and chairs.
�Lee, you requested for this mission,� the client nodded vigorously, �and in
doing so, you have placed yourself, your clothes and your estate in our
responsibility. For this, we require your ultimate trust and cooperation.� The
blond paused dramatically.
Then he continued, �I have confidence in this team, and in you as well; so
let�s do our best, ne?�
�Dobe� I think you overdid the pep talk�� Sasuke whispered.
Sure enough, Rock Lee was trembling, twin waterfalls cascading down his
face.
�NARUTO-KUN! THE FLAMES
OF YOUTH BURN BEAUTIFULLY WITHIN YOU!!!!!�
They watched him perform a series of killer Nice Guy Poses�. Collectively,
the team thought they wouldn�t be surprised if the moves actually killed
someone; if those were used in battle, the enemy would just die laughing...
That is, if they don�t collapse from a heart attack first.
Before Lee could say or do anything more, Naruto
interjected, sparing everybody the pain of having to witness the horrifying
choreography.
�Okay, let�s get started. We don�t have much time, so let�s move it,
people!�
He turned to Lee.
�And you, my friend, will listen to everything that Sasuke
has to say. When you guys are done, go straight to the kitchen.�
At that, all with the exception of Lee and Sasuke
fled the scene.
It has begun.
~*~

Sasuke pinched the bridge of his
nose.
Why am I doing this again?
Images of a smirking Neji hugging his Naruto came instantly. A couch loomed sinisterly in the
background.
Oh� right�
�I want you to forget everything Gai taught you
outside of training.�
He looked at Rock Lee�s face. It held the most pitiful expression he had
ever seen. It was just impossible to ignore.
�Fine. I see that�s too much to ask of you�� Sasuke thought for a while. �I�m willing to compromise, but
that�s as far as it�s gonna go.� Gai�s
successor sighed in relief.
He continued, �I won�t force you to forget his teachings, but I forbid you
to apply and proclaim them for at least twenty four hours.�
The other nin was now
doing a very accurate imitation of a goldfish. He was devastated at the notion
of stopping his very way of life. Besides, this was the first time he ever
heard Sasuke say so much words and sentences to
anyone other than Naruto. The broody jounin had always been a man of few words.
�But��
He was cut off by the famous Uchiha Glare�.
�Do you want to go through with this or not?�
Weighing all his options and priorities, Rock Lee steeled his resolve.
�YOSH! I SHALL TEMPORARILY LOCK THE
FLAMES OF YOUTH WITHIN MY HEART!!!! THERE, THEY SHALL BURN MORE THAN EVER!!!!�
He pumped his fist in the air while a tsunami splashed in the background.
�� Sasuke replied, drenched from sea water
that came out of nowhere.
Lee grinned apologetically.
�Oops.�
Sasuke felt a migraine coming on.
~*~

Naruto was in the zone. He whipped
through the unfamiliar kitchen with surprising ease and accuracy, getting the
required ingredients from rows upon rows of cabinets.
With an unmistakable look of intense concentration, he set aside precise
amounts of the said ingredients and laid them out in an organized manner.
Quite frankly, his gait resembled that of an Iron Chef.
One could almost imagine him posing with an apron on his waist, a hat on his
head, and a pear in his hand while being hoisted onstage before his very own
portrait.
A gong sounded in the distance, signaling the start of the cooking battle.
However, we are sorely mistaken as it was just the sound of Naruto rummaging through the pots and pans.
After a while, he detected a chakra signature
coming his way. Using one shiny pot as a mirror, he looked into it, only to see
a harmless Maru standing near the counter.
�Eh? Maru-san?�
The intruder bowed, �Uzumaki-san,
is it possible for me to get my assistant to work with us?�
Going back to his work, Naruto replied, �Sure,�
not even bothering to ask who the assistant was, nor did he turn around to face
his subject. That�s probably why he missed an evil smirk on the supposedly kind
face of the man as he left.
He got started on the salad, shredding up the cabbages and crab, mixing them
up with some ketchup and mayonnaise. He made sure the mix was even, before
putting orange roe on top of the whole thing. Smiling at his work, the blond
placed the medium-sized bowl in the fridge. Kani
Salad, after all, was best served cold.
Just as he closed the door of the refrigerator, the rice cooker made a soft
sound indicating that its contents were good and ready. He checked it and was
satisfied with the results. The rice was cooked well: all white and moist and
sticky. He transferred the rice into a huge bowl and placed it on the counter
where a wooden board laid waiting. He cut the strips of seaweed evenly and
started making an assortment of sushi.
He had just finished the task when Lee entered, a paler-than-usual Sasuke in tow. The latter sneezed as he came through the
door. Before Naruto could inquire about his lover�s
health, Lee disappeared and reappeared, holding a fluffy green towel to the
slightly trembling Uchiha.
�Gomen, Sasuke-san�� Lee
bowed, the action not as excessive as the usual.
Naruto had to quirk an eyebrow at that. He
wondered why Sasuke looked like he was splashed with
water. He decided to ask later, since it seemed they had made significant
progress in the culture area. He had to hand it to Sasuke.
The guy was a genius, after all.
�Okay,� Naruto gestured to a bunch of ingredients
and a mixing bowl, �Lee, I want you to mix these up real fast��
�Done.�
Naruto blinked several times. He had forgotten how
quickly the Taijutsu specialist could move.
�Well then,� he pointed to another set, �how about those? Cut the��
It was finished, just like that.
�And��
Task completed. It�s amazing he didn�t even have to give directions. It was
quite convenient, he mused. He made a mental note to enlist Lee�s help when
preparing huge meals� In his book, Lee had rightfully claimed the title of
�Handy Chef�.
But wait; there�s more! Call now, and you�ll
receive this brand new set of kitchen knives, tax free!
Naruto cleared his throat and ignored the Home
T.V. Shopping guy�s voice in his head.
�I guess you�re done here! Congratulations, Lee! That had to be in record
time!�
Rock Lee beamed at the compliment. Naruto honestly
thought the other would be crying tears of joy by now (was it just him or Lee�s
eyes were a little too shiny?), but was mildly surprised when he didn�t bawl
his eyes out.
No. Scratch that. He was plenty surprised. In fact, if he was wearing socks
at that very moment, he would�ve shot right out of them! Don�t ask me why he
didn�t do so in his sandals, though. I honestly don�t know the answer.
What the hell have you done, Sasuke?!! This is
getting freaky� I hope you didn�t scar him for life�
Naruto, however, had failed to consider that Lee
had been scarring more people for life every damned day than the devil,
himself! But of course, that could probably be because the devil scars dead
people instead.
Hmmm� Do dead people even get scars?
Setting the thought aside for further consideration, he directed their
client to his next handlers.
~*~

It was deathly silent. Not that those present minded.
Ah� The sweet sound of silence. It didn�t last
long, though.
�Hey, guys!� It wasn�t even a full-blown yell, but the two occupants of the
living room felt as if they were in front of a pair of large loudspeakers.
A faint twitch the only indication of one�s annoyance; a
slight wince for the slight discomfort of the other. They acknowledged
the others� presence.
�Naruto. Lee,� greeted Neji.
�� Itachi added.
�We�re done here� It�s your turn! Good luck!� Naruto
grinned, pushing Lee towards the stoic pair.
Neji sighed. He knew his job was difficult, but
one of the most essential, nonetheless.
This is for Naruto.
Now that should be reason enough to continue this madness. He nodded to his
companions and they set off.
Traveling through the maze of rooftops, they swiftly reached the shopping
district of Konoha. Neji
turned to the �unknown� member of their group. �Chi-san, I shall commence my
work after yours. Where do I meet you guys and at what time?�
Chi (how original), known to us as Itachi,
answered, �There is no need for that. You can do your part now. I�ve already
finished.� He held up two shopping bags and a box of shoes.
Pale eyes revealed mild, yet genuine surprise.
When did he get those?!!!
He was about to ask something else when he was interrupted.
�Yes, I�m sure they will fit him perfectly. The clothes and shoes are in his
sizes.�
If he were a lesser nin, Neji�s mouth would�ve dropped to the ground. But he wasn�t,
so thank god for that.
Naruto wasn�t kidding when he said this
guy was good!
Back in their meeting just that morning, he had doubts about the abilities
of their two other members. When he discreetly voiced it out to the leader, Naruto swept it aside with confident reassurances and winning
smiles.
But that�s just too creepy�
Who, and tell me honestly: who in their right minds would (or even bother
to) know Lee�s vital statistics?
�Alright then, we�ll be taking our leave now.� Half of the former Team Gai bowed to Chi and headed for another direction, Neji taking the lead.
�Neji, where are we going?� Lee asked as they
speedily leapt over the rooftops.
�Don�t worry about it. Just follow me.�
A few minutes later, they entered a building.
Lee gulped.
�Anou, Neji?�
A non-committal grunt was the only response he got.
�Why are we here?�
Neji didn�t bother to answer. He navigated through
the corridors and hallways efficiently, knowing that his charge would hurry
after him. He only stopped when he reached an ominous-looking door. He calmly
opened it and gestured for Lee to enter.
�After you.�
With much trepidation, Lee complied.
As the door closed, the genjutsu dropped and a
sign appeared over the threshold. The sign lit up, red and angry as the
infamous Sharingan. And it read,
�Emergency Room, OCCUPIED�
~*~

�N-neji?
What are you going to do?� Panic was evident in Rock Lee�s voice.
�You�ll see.�
Presently, Rock Lee lay strapped, chained and shackled on an operating
table.
The door opened, admitting a nurse pushing a cart of medical supplies, among
other items.
�Arigato, Hinata-sama.�
�Betsuni, Neji-niisan� Gambatte ne..�
�Un.�
After the brief exchange, the pretty nurse made her exit, leaving the poor Taijutsu Specialist to his impending doom�er�I mean, the next step to his
transformation.
A snapping sound caught Lee�s attention. He paled as he realized Neji already put on a pair of latex gloves.
Neji reached for the tray and held up a long piece
of�.
Thread.
Alright, get all those perverted things out of your head. That�s just sick,
man. This is Neji we�re talking about. And Rock Lee. That�s just� wrong.
Anyway.
�Huh?� Lee was bewildered. �What�s the thread for?�
Neji lowered the string to his ex-teammate�s face,
making a complicated pattern of the material in his hands. He tugged at it,
expecting to uproot some of the excess hair above the other�s eyes.
The string broke.
Surprised, Neji grabbed a razor blade and made a
fresh attempt.
Its tip broke off, ricocheting off the walls before embedding itself on the
floor.
Eyes wide, the Hyuuga grabbed a shuriken from his
holster.
It ended up much like the razor blade.
Getting frustrated, he settled for a kunai, swiping at the stubborn facial
hair.
After several tries, the kunai became so blunt that it couldn�t even pierce
the ground.
Now in a frenzy, Neji
used every sharp pointy object he could find. Fuuma
shuriken, steel strings, scalpels, ice picks, kitchen knives, axes, and a
couple of chainsaws were rendered useless for life in the short span of five
minutes.
Truly, Rock Lee�s eyebrows were a force to be reckoned with.
Konoha tailors should seriously consider using
them in shinobi clothing.
Nothing seemed to work! But Neji wasn�t ready to
give up. His pride would never allow it. He still had his last resort.
He shed off his gloves, lab coat and protective goggles, and unlocked the
wheels of the movable operating table. He carted a shaking Lee out of the
hospital, going straight for the nearest training grounds in the area.
The Hyuuga didn�t waste any time in locking the wheels
of the operating table and readjusting Lee�s position, making him lie on his
side with his face going just a small way past the edge of the table.
�Lee.�
Paranoid black eyes regarded determined white irises.
�If you value your life, don�t move.�
Gulping audibly, Lee nodded once and became as still as his namesake.
Neji took a calming breath before carefully going
into position.
I refuse to be defeated.
That said, he prepared to use his ultimate back-up plan: his very last
resort.
�KAITEN!�
~*~
A/N: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Bet you weren�t expecting that! Heehee! This is too fun! You know, the title of this
chapter was supposed to be different, but I cut off one section because I had
no idea where to insert it without disrupting the normal flow of events. Don�t worry, it will definitely appear in the next chapter.
And I�m really sorry for making you wait so long� I�ve had a lot on my mind
lately, apart from schoolwork and everyday life� I was too depressed to write
anything funny at the time. But I�ve got it sorted out and things are starting
to look up. In light of this, I would like to thank everyone who reviewed. You
guys helped to cheer me up and gave me more motivation to finish this chapter.
Again, thank you.
~*~

Replies:

Stranj100: I have to agree with you wholeheartedly... Thanks
for the review!!

Bakura: Chibi pats Bakura�s back. Maa,
ne... Be patient... He�ll drop by after a few more
chapters, so don�t worry!!! Thanks for reviewing!!

Yukiko: Thank you for the review!! I�m glad you liked it!! I
hope this chapter�s as likable...

Fenris Mourningstar:
Waaaaaaaaahhhh!!! Doumo
arigato gozaimasu!!! Chibi glomps
Fenris Mourningstar.
Thanks so much for leaving a comprehensive review... I really need such reviews
so I can polish my skills further... Thanks... I hope you liked this chapter as
well.. Chibi smiles.

dark_shinobi420: Pinpon!!!! You
nailed it!!! Chibi tosses chapter 3 to the monkeys in
dark_shinobi420�s head. I hope this will suffice...

twisted-sheets: Dude! Where the hell are you???!!!! Feel free to update our fic anytime... Note the excessive sarcasm. Nah. I was joking... I know you have lots to do... Thanks
for the review!!!

Eternal Embrace: Hehe, thanks so much for reviewing!!! Obviously, it�s not the
end.... I hope you liked this chapter, too...

Jakketh: Hmmmm...
I feel more sorry for Neji,
though.... Heehee! Thanks for the review!

And for the others who have reviewed the last chapter who
are not mentioned above:

Thank you... I�m sorry I couldn�t include you in the
individual replies... As you probably know, aff
encountered a problem with some saved data.... So I lost some reviews...
Nonetheless, I thank you for taking the time and effort to let me know your
thoughts. See you all in the next chapter!!!
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Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy