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Break to Breathe	By : Okami-Rayne Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male > Shikamaru/Neji Views: 1958 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: NARUTO and its respective characters were created and are owned by Masashi Kishimoto. No copyright infringement intended. I make no money from this story.

Chapter List
- 28
- 29
- 30
BREAK TO BREATHE

by Okami Rayne

Chapter Twenty Nine

[Dedicated to Homemade_idiot]

The scratch of talons etched into the quiet, slowly and incessantly. Every clawing sound felt like a rusty blade across Shikamaru's nerves. He'd been trying to ignore it for the past few minutes, hoping that at some point the bird would just give up.
It didn't.
The metallic hiss and scrape continued.
Shikamaru glanced over.
The bird clung dejectedly as it dragged its gnarled claws along one of the bars of the cage, its beak cracked and scarred from ceaseless pecking at its prison and at itself. The ugly sores on its body were leaking puss, raw and red with infection.
The shadow-nin closed his eyes.
He drew a slow breath through his nose and released it by degrees, trying not to give the bird – and the others like it – his attention. He stood across the room from the large cages, his arms loosely folded and body slouched back against one of the poster-covered walls of the veterinary annexe.
The room was small, stuffy and stank of bird crap, bird crackers and a bunch of clinical remedies that smelt more toxic than curative. None of this disguised the underlining odour of decay. It brought back the memory of bird bits splattered all over him.
The soft creak of the door caused his eyes to slip open.
Sakura stepped into the room, a clipboard in one hand with a pen slotted behind her ear. She wore a medic's apron and her hair was fastened with her headband, keeping it out of her face. She met his gaze with a grim expression that immediately set his mind racing despite his lack of outward reaction.
"I had to double-check, just to make sure," Sakura said, nudging the door shut with her hip. "But it's what I thought."
"Which is what?" Shikamaru prompted, watching her through his lashes.
"It was an anoxia attack," Sakura tapped the clipboard with her finger, moving towards the small examining table. "Well more like hypoxia."
Shikamaru arched a brow. "Hypoxia?"
"Basically a lack of oxygen in the blood," Sakura clarified, her brow knitting at the diagnosis.
"His lungs," Shikamaru muttered, staring at old blood stains on the floor.
"Yes, from those arterial blood clots," she said softly. "And the discoloration that you mentioned? It was—"
"Cyanosis," he said quietly, frowning. "I know."
"How did you—?"
"My jutsu," Shikamaru said, glancing up with a weak twitch at his lips. "Strangling the life from people and watching them turn blue? Yeah, I know what a lack of oxygen looks like when I see it."
"Oh, right," Sakura frowned, looking a little perturbed at his bluntness. "Then why did you ask me to check what it was if you already knew?"
"Because this is one of the 'need-to-know' things that you need to know," he said, edging onto the other reason. "And I need to know this – can he fix it himself?"
Sakura sighed, setting the clipboard down on the table. Shikamaru watched her stare at her notes for a moment before she looked up to meet his gaze. Her green eyes softened with something he couldn't pin, causing his own to sharpen with suspicion.
"Shikamaru…" Sakura hesitated, tugging the pen from behind her ear to set it down above her notes. "How long has he been doing this again?"
"Two months. Since July." He ignored her wince. "Can he fix it himself? The cyanosis, that is."
"Temporarily, maybe. But it's not going to last."
"Right…" Shikamaru murmured, tipping his head back against the wall.
'He's' not going to last…
The thought caused his eyes to pinch, so he shuttered them, making it appear like a tired drop of his lashes.
Sakura watched him, waiting.
He didn't respond.
A loud scrape tore at the tension, drawing his gaze across to the broken bird still clinging to its cage bars, gnawing the steel with its cracked beak. A horrible ache pulled through Shikamaru as he watched it, but not a sliver of the emotion touched his face.
It's got no chance…
He stared at the miserable animal, listening to the grate of its talons and gnawing beak.
Why is it even trying?
He swallowed the tension in his throat.
Get a grip. It's a bird.
"Shikamaru," Sakura whispered.
The hesitancy in her voice, coupled with its concern, had him tensing up inside. He swayed away from the wall and strolled over to the cages to stare through the bars. His gaze dropped to the floor of the large pen, trailing over shredded feathers and a few dead birds brushed into the corners.
He could sense Sakura watching him. He could almost feel the weight of her confusion, sitting on his shoulders as leaden as his own conscience and conflict.
I can't think clearly like this.
Desperate for a distraction, Shikamaru tipped his chin towards the dead birds and toed a stray feather back between the bars.
"What happened to these birds?" he asked, his voice rough before he cleared his throat.
Her silence held uncomfortably.
"They poison the birds to kill them before the sickness spreads," she eventually said, her voice quiet. "Or before they tear themselves apart."
Shikamaru screwed his eyes shut. He was glad she couldn't see his face. Tightened and twisted with a conflict he didn't want to feel. He heard Sakura move and immediately ironed out his expression. She came to stand beside him, stroking her knuckle along one of the bars of the cage, smiling sadly at the birds.
"It seems cruel but…it's not like I can say anything."
"They do what they have to do, I guess," he said, shrugging.
Sakura hummed softly, observing him out the corner of her eye. Shikamaru ignored her by shifting his attention to the mutilated bird; still putting up a futile fight for its freedom. His eyes traced over the remaining feathers that hadn't been torn out. Soft mocha brown, tipped with white. He kept his focus on the dejected creature, breaking the silence by launching back on course.
"You ready for that procedure?"
"As ready as I can be, given the hasty information." Sakura nodded, tilting her head to try and catch his gaze. "You should try to talk Neji into letting us help rather than doing this without his permission."
Shikamaru smirked humourlessly. "Not gonna work. He'll never give his permission."
"How do you know?"
"The fact that he's out playing doctor by himself should answer that for you."
Sakura shook her head, the sharp movement finally drawing his eye. "But we're his friends."
Her words irked him in a way they shouldn't have; mostly because up until last night, he'd have easily used that word too. That clear-cut word which was a little more complicated than comrade but way less confusing than whatever the hell Neji was to him now.
Dammit, focus.
"You expect him to let friendship be the deciding factor?" The Nara sighed, his flat look driving a furrow between Sakura's brows. "Don't be naïve here."
"Since when was it naïve to hope your friends trust you?" Sakura growled, her fingers slipping around one of the bars in an angry clutch.
Shikamaru didn't miss the accusation in her voice or in her eyes, the green orbs darkened by her frustration with him. He watched her coolly for a long moment before eventually turning his gaze back to the bird. Sakura's fingers tightened around the bar, threatening to rend it with her strength.
"Why wouldn't Neji trust us enough to know that we're trying to help him?"
Shikamaru felt his jaw twitch. "Wanna look at his family portrait for starters? He wasn't exactly born into a circle of trust."
Sakura conceded the point with a sigh. "But you don't know that he won't change his mind when you confront him with this."
Shikamaru shook his head. "I know he won't."
"Shikamaru—"
"Tch," Shikamaru cut her off by turning away from the cage, the muscles of his lean face drawing as tight as his words. "You think I wanna do things this way?"
His abrupt turn surprised her enough to buy him a few moments. He took the chance to force his features to relax, trying not to react to the turbulence pulling through him in waves just beneath the surface.
He heard Sakura sigh softly.
"I don't really know, Shikamaru. You won't tell me what you're doing."
The Nara quirked his lip and shook his head as he moved towards the medical table, bracing a palm to the cold, sterile steel.
"Only so many people's asses I can cover here, you know," he drawled weakly, glancing over her notes on the clipboard.
"You don't need to protect me."
"Yeah," Shikamaru lifted one of the pages with a knuckle, skimming over the sheet beneath it. "Remind me you said that when you get hit with the Gentle Fist a couple of times."
"Neji wouldn't do that," the kunoichi said with way too much confidence.
Shikamaru glanced up without raising his head, a dark brow arching. "Not in his right mind, no. But he's not gonna be thinking clearly. Don't assume anything. He did it three years ago with Hinata."
"That was totally different. He was totally different."
"I'm not gonna take that risk, even if things are totally different." Shikamaru let the page fall back into place. "He'll see anyone as a threat at that point."
"Well, he's going to know you planned this."
A screw of pain twisted inside him, never once showing on his face as he hummed, shrugging. "Yeah, probably."
Sakura gaped at him as if he'd not only missed the severity of her words, but also the entire point of the conversation up until now. She shook her head as she released the cage and stepped over, placing both her palms on the table before levelling him with a look that freakishly resembled one of Tsunade's matriarchal glowers. Shikamaru almost smiled at the irony, but settled for a safer expression; he quirked a brow instead.
"Shikamaru," Sakura frowned. "At that point you're the one who's going to need protection if he's as unstable as you're making him sound."
"I'll be fine. I'm good at running away."
Sakura's frown darkened. "Shikamaru, I'm serious."
"Ugh, give me a break," the shadow-nin held up his palms in lazy surrender, slipping into the familiar skin of apathy to ward off the situation. "Don't go Ino on me. I'm fine. I've got my ass covered too."
"How?"
"Strategically," he deadpanned, taking up the pen by the clipboard, spinning it in his slender fingers. "Don't worry about it."
Sakura planted one hand on her hip, the other pressed flat against the table as she glared. Then she narrowed her eyes.
"I don't get you, Shikamaru."
Shikamaru cringed at the speed at which his brain supplied two hundred reasons why that statement was more explosive than toad oil. His silence caused Sakura's palm to dent the steel of the medical table.
"Why are you keeping this so ambiguous for me and Hinata?" she pressed, frowning in her effort to try and understand.
Shikamaru stopped spinning the pen. "I already told you why, several times."
"I don't believe your reasons. This just doesn't make sense, Shikamaru."
"It doesn't need to make sense at this point. It just needs to work, alright?"
"No. It's not alright. Hinata is worried sick!" She snapped up the clipboard angrily, waving it once for emphasis. "I'm stuck looking at the medical details without knowing the ramifications or the reasons why this happened!"
"The ramifications and reasons aren't your problem," Shikamaru said, his voice flat and uncompromising. "That's not your role in this, Sakura."
He swayed aside just in time.
The clipboard struck the wall behind him in a violent crack.
The birds startled in alarm, breaking into a cacophony of caged chaos, squawking, scratching and flapping.
Shikamaru didn't move.
He merely glanced up from the clipboard by his foot and settled his gaze on Sakura's face. In response to her vicious look, he kept his eyes calm, his face annoyingly void of emotion. It was his best defence in this situation, despite the strain it took not to react.
"Not. My. Role?" Sakura ground out, each word enunciated in a rising octave before her voice dropped low. "This isn't a game, Shikamaru."
Her chakra-packed punch would have hurt less than that.
The words left him tense and silent and hit in a place too deep to dare look. Some hint of anger must have touched his eyes, but before he could respond, one of the backdoors leading into an incubating room eased open.
Shikamaru froze, his dark gaze flicking over Sakura's shoulder.
He was met with a pair of sky-bright eyes. Fierce and fixed – straight on him.
Shit.
"Naruto," Sakura jolted, turning slightly.
Shikamaru didn't have time to wipe the conflicted look from his eyes before Naruto saw it. The Uzumaki paused in the doorway, the small frown slipping from his face, leaving him oddly calm. Almost a little too calm.
Not good.
A horrible pause held between the three of them.
The tension practically hummed.
The birds began to settle again. Then Naruto moved forward. The normal bounce was gone from his step and his eyes lacked that spirited lustre they often radiated as brightly as his hair. He looked alarmingly grave. Shikamaru felt every muscle go rigid, but before he could shoot Sakura a glare he realised she was just as stunned as he was.
Really not good.
Sakura parted her lips to speak, but Naruto shook his head, his eyes still fixed on Shikamaru. The Nara stared back, waiting for an inevitable demand to know what the hell was going on. However, an outcome he hadn't even considered as worth processing played out.
Naruto didn't react.
He should have. By the laws of the Uzumaki's disposition, it should have been his damned default to react. Shikamaru didn't think he could take anything outside of the 'predictable' right now. He had lies lining up at the tip of his tongue, ready to lay it thick and bullshit his way through whatever was necessary.
That is until Naruto cocked his head towards the door.
"Sakura," Naruto's voice fell quietly, a hoarse rumble in his throat. "Shikamaru and I are gonna take a walk."

It felt like walking a plank, rather than a bridge.
Destination confrontation.
Shikamaru was prepared for the worst; every step he took was already preceded by ten mental steps – his mind racing ahead. He kept his gaze forward as Naruto strolled beside him, quieter than Shikamaru had thought him capable of being.
Not good.
Dappled patches of sunlight shimmered along the walkway, dancing with every shift of the leaves. Despite the rustle of the canopies and the litany of birdsong, these gentle sounds did nothing to permeate the stillness holding between Shikamaru and the Uzumaki.
Naruto's silence was more than a little disconcerting.
Shikamaru couldn't help but see the grim irony in the situation, given that for the most part he'd been telling Naruto to shut up for half the mission.
Be careful what you stupidly wish for.
Their pace suddenly slowed and Shikamaru fell back a step. Naruto turned then, moving to drape his arms over the thick wooden railing, hooking one foot in a groove of the bridge. Shikamaru just slanted, bracing a shoulder against the timber, following Naruto's gaze across the autumn hued village.
"Pretty awesome, huh?" Naruto said, tipping his head towards the intricate community.
God just knock me out already.
Shikamaru might have even thanked the Uzumaki when he woke up. Realising that he hadn't responded, he settled for inclining his head, his focus fixed on his peripheral vision as he watched Naruto, tense as hell inside.
Naruto, however, didn't seem tense at all. "We've come pretty far, right?"
Shikamaru's eyes narrowed at the ambiguity of those words. He made a noncommittal sound in the back of throat, which was enough to prompt Naruto to continue.
"You remember that first Chūnin mission?" the Uzumaki asked.
As if he could forget. He forced himself to shrug, trying to gauge what the hell Naruto's words had to do with what the Uzumaki had possibly overheard.
"Hard to forget," Shikamaru said neutrally. "What about it?"
"You were first out of all of us to make Chūnin..." Naruto murmured. "First to head a mission."
Which failed…
Shikamaru glanced away, watching Tsubasa shinobi crawl like black ants along the lower levels of the village. He wouldn't have minded crawling under a rock right now.
"Yeah," he said, not knowing what Naruto expected him to say in response.
"You had a lot to deal with," Naruto continued, glancing up towards the sunlight streaming through the leaves. "The rest of us knew we'd be fighting, but we had to leave you to do the hard part."
Shikamaru worked his jaw. "Don't kid yourself. We all came up against more than we could handle. I had it a hell of a lot easier than you and the others."
"You think so, huh?"
Shikamaru caught himself before he could frown.
"I was the only shinobi not in critical condition and three of you almost died. If Temari and her brothers hadn't dropped in we'd have had three dead for sure," he stated bluntly. "So yeah, I do 'think so'."
Naruto smiled, but his eyes pinched with concern, shaking his head. "We all knew we were gonna have it rough, Shikamaru."
"Understatement."
"Maybe, but you had to take charge and work it out. A lot of the crap was on you. Being alone in that, you took responsibility."
And failed.
Shikamaru sighed and folded his arms, not seeing the necessity of bringing up crap he didn't want to think about. Besides, Naruto being unconditionally understanding meant the shadow-nin might have to actually dig a little deeper and think about how he felt about all this; which wasn't an option at this point – or any point in the near future, as far as he was concerned.
Shikamaru frowned. "Is this gonna be a guilt trip?"
"What?" Naruto frowned before he smiled a little. "No."
"Then what's your point in bringing all this up?" Shikamaru said tersely, wanting to cut to the chase and get the confrontation over with, instead of having it drawn out – painfully.
"My point, huh?" Naruto turned then, one arm still hooked over the railing. He stared hard at Shikamaru, his blue eyes warmed by the strength of his next words.
"That you're not alone this time, Shikamaru."
Shikamaru closed his eyes against that statement as if it pained him. He tried to pull off a tired expression to cover his slip, lifting his lashes to stare out at the village instead of meeting Naruto's gaze. He knew the conviction in those words would be filling the Uzumaki's eyes with that indomitable light. The light that had pulled so many people back from the edges of their own darkness that Shikamaru felt ridiculous for even thinking he could manage to do the same thing for Neji.
I don't do hero. I do sidekick from the sidelines.
Not that it had ever been about heroism. That word was so far down the list of what Shikamaru considered his strengths that it didn't even warrant recognition. He didn't even know whether it was his strength driving him now…or his weakness.
None of that matters. I just need to make this work.
"Shikamaru?"
The shadow-nin glanced across, meeting Naruto's gaze at last, his own eyes guarded by a half-lidded shield. "I hear you."
"Good," Naruto smiled. "I don't know what's goin' on here with Neji, but whatever it is…I've got your back."
Shikamaru couldn't control his reaction to that. His eyes widened and his face arched with surprise.
"You know," Naruto laughed, "seein' you look shocked makes me look really smart."
Shikamaru blinked, shaking his head. "I didn't exactly think I'd get your support. Your fist maybe."
The Uzumaki sobered, his laughter softening into a faint smile. But the light in Naruto's eyes banked to something serious again.
"I'm not completely clueless, ya know. Though I bet you think it, right?"
Shikamaru arched a brow, but resisted the urge to be sarcastic. "No. Not always."
Naruto grinned a little. "Jerk, don't lie. Anyway, I've got your back."
Shikamaru studied the other ninja, his sharp gaze narrowed as he tried to discern why he wasn't presently caught in a temper tempest and a crazy tornado of questions.
"Why?" Shikamaru eventually said, attempting to pre-empt.
Naruto looked insulted. "You're my friend."
"True, but that's not your only reason. You know something's up but you're not nagging me about it. Why?"
Shikamaru expected the pause that followed, so when Naruto glanced away, he took the opportunity to try to supply the answer to his own question before the other teen could. The Uzumaki beat him to it though – which was good, because the words were not along the lines of what he'd been thinking at all.
"I guess I wasn't surprised," Naruto said, shrugging. "I mean, I knew something was up before."
Shikamaru frowned. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, that night you went all weird."
"That night I went all weird…" Shikamaru echoed, his voice flat as it trailed off, hinting that he didn't know what the hell Naruto was talking about.
"Yeah, you know, after that mission?" Naruto frowned at the blank stare he received. "When Hinata got hurt and Neji refused to go to the hospital. You went all weird and told me to 'back off'."
In a flash, Shikamaru's brain projected the memory of that evening.
It came back to him with a surround-sound, zoom-in, 'I-wish-I-could-erase-it' kind of clarity that made him wince inside. He remembered all too clearly. He also remembered the resulting look of shock that had struck Naruto silent.
He hadn't counted on those words having such an impact.
Shit.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Shikamaru said, trying to pull off a bored expression.
Naruto cocked his head. "It was the first time I've seen you being as crazy protective as I am over people. Like, outwardly. It wasn't like you."
Shikamaru snorted. "Crazy protective? That's a lot of crap to assume from what I said."
"It's not even what you said. It was how you said it."
Alarm bells blared in every corner of Shikamaru's mind.
A wild panic halted his brain, making it difficult to grasp the best way to respond. He snatched the easiest and most natural reaction.
Denial.
"I think you're reading too much into that," Shikamaru dismissed, shaking his head. "It was a crappy mission. I was tired enough for anything to set me off."
Naruto snorted, a hint of anger flickering in his eyes. "I hate people who lie to themselves and then straight to my face."
Crap.
"Alright, whatever," Shikamaru sighed, rolling a shoulder. "So I was helping out a friend, that's not a lie."
Naruto nodded, filled with conviction.
"And I get that, and that's the other reason I'm not gonna fight you on this. You've always had my back with Sasuke. So if you're trying to…" Naruto trailed off. He clenched a fist against the bridge, thudding it as he gathered his thoughts.
Shikamaru kept quiet, not willing to give Naruto an excuse to change his mind and start firing off questions he'd have to deflect like a hail of kunai.
Now would be the time to disappear.
While the idea of escape appealed to him enormously, the idea of walking away without knowing for certain that Naruto wasn't going to make things harder for him didn't appeal at all. So he waited out the Uzumaki's silence. Eventually, Naruto stopped thumping his fist, frowning as he looked up, warring with divided loyalties.
"I don't know what the hell is goin' on with Neji, Shikamaru…I don't like it either…but if you're acting all weird and lying to us to protect him…?" Naruto paused, waiting for clarity.
Shikamaru said nothing, but he inclined his head a little.
It was enough for Naruto.
"If that's true, then I'll back off like you wanted me to…" Naruto paused, his husky voice gaining a certain edge of threat. "But don't expect me to sit it out if someone gets hurt. 'Cause I won't. I'll fight you on that every time."
Shikamaru arched a brow; the only fracture in his expression. "Alright."
"Believe it." Naruto's eyes flashed. "I won't let Sakura or anyone else get hurt."
"Relax, I hear you," Shikamaru waved him off. "Sticking to the plan, no one will get hurt."
The words felt like another nail driving into his proverbial coffin. But the bitter humour turned to acid in his gut when the thought of coffins turned his mind to Neji.
No. That's not an option.
"Good," Naruto chirped suddenly, making the shadow-nin wonder whether he hadn't spoken his thoughts aloud.
"Huh?" Shikamaru blinked.
Naruto resurrected his brilliant smile so quickly it took Shikamaru a moment to realise that the Uzumaki had shoved his hand out. A 'thumbs up' sign stood like an exclamation mark to Naruto's next words.
"I'm counting on you, Shikamaru!"
Great. You too, huh?
Shikamaru sighed and glanced away, not sure whether to feel thankful for the lack of a confrontation or troubled by the abundance of confidence that one more person was putting in him.
He forced a weak smile. "What a drag."

The leaves lay furled like cicada shells and they crackled noisily beneath Neji's sandals when he finally stepped down onto the balcony. He let the surge of chakra fade from his feet as he straightened up, casting a glance over his shoulder towards the tree he'd scaled to access the guestroom.
Childish, but necessary.
It had either been that, or a few more rounds of Akamaru's nose jabbing into his ribs. Neji had no desire to entertain a canine's sixth sense right now. He just wanted a moment's peace.
Don't be weak. Focus.
The Hyūga drew a slow breath, holding the stale air until it hurt. Then he released a sigh into the breeze, feeling the wind tug at his bangs and robes. He watched stray feathers float around; they were like ever-present confetti in Hanegakure. The thought of being lost on the current with one of the plumes was tempting.
Foolish.
Neji shook his head, glancing up.
The sun was at its zenith, spearing Hanegakure with lances of light. But the wind was cold and the air sharp. Craving a warmer haven, Neji turned towards the door leading into the guestroom, quietly drawing it back before slipping inside.
The room was surprisingly dim, but not completely dark. The curtains had been drawn, but the light seeped in through the fabric. Neji toed his sandals off automatically, a habit long-instilled. His gaze strayed across from the windows to the beds.
His eyes widened then softened.
I should have guessed.
He smiled slightly.
Shikamaru lay atop one of the mattresses, his legs dangling off the edge of the bed, leading Neji to assume that the Chūnin hadn't intended to fall asleep. The Nara's exhaustion didn't bother him as much as the realisation that he may have been the cause of it.
Neji's smile slipped away.
He took a slow turn around the room, stepping over Shikamaru's flak-jacket as he approached, shaking his head at the uncomfortable position the shadow-nin had dozed off in. He paused at the foot of the bed and gazed down at the sleeping figure.
A conflicted look pulled across Neji's face as he studied Shikamaru's.
The shadow-nin's features were cut sharply, just like the Nara's hair – and something about the defined etch of his face made him even more paradoxical to Neji. Most of the time, Shikamaru appeared to hide behind a lazy lack of definition, yet there was nothing undefined about his face. Even his eyes, usually guarded by a half-mast, carried the razor glint of his intelligence, which was only blunted by his lack of engagement with life.
His mask is not as strong as he thinks it is.
Neji had seen beneath it. Fleetingly, but undeniably. He'd caught a glimpse, a taste, a touch of what lay dormant in Shikamaru; the fire that cast the shadows he cloaked himself in…most of the time existing as a 'shadow' of who he could be.
Why? What do you want, Nara?
Shikamaru never answered this question, no matter how subtly or directly phrased.
He slipped from Neji's grasp every time.
The thought caused Neji to glance down at his own hands. The dangerous tint of blue was gone from his fingertips as if he'd simply washed it off. If only it had been that simple. He chose to ignore the thought of what he'd been contending with for the past two hours and returned his focus to Shikamaru.
Instantly, he was drawn back in.
And the bastard wasn't even doing anything.
God damn you, Nara.
Neji shook his head and closed the distance by bracing a knee on the bed, carefully testing the mattress. He shifted his weight, listening out for a creak. The bedding yielded to him without a sound, allowing him to perch at the edge of the bed, staring down at Shikamaru like a puzzled child.
Why do you affect me like this?
As if he could search for the answer in skin, the Hyūga's hand lifted and strayed to hover above the shadow-nin's face; he felt warm breath ghost against his fingertips. Then slowly, like a brush on canvas, Neji began to trace out Shikamaru's features without touching him – a meditative, steady movement that followed every line and slant.
Gods…why 'you'…of all the people to infuriate my senses…to even bother to try…and then to do it without having to try at all…
The Hyūga frowned, looking lost even as he searched.
But as his fingers traced out the air a scant inch from Shikamaru's skin, he sensed the answer lay beneath the shadow-nin's flesh.
What is it?
Last night he'd almost drawn blood from Shikamaru in an effort to find it, biting down on the Nara's skin hard enough to bruise and mark him the same way Shikamaru had bruised and marked him.
Only on the inside.
How? What did you do to me?
Neji swallowed thickly.
How did you even manage to do it?
Last night these questions had cut away at him as he'd gripped and kissed and bit so hard he'd almost made good on his promise to tear Shikamaru apart. At some point he'd settled for holding the shadow-nin at the precipice of release, waiting for a submission that had never come even when Shikamaru's body had. The memory stirred embers in his blood.
How can you mark me without even touching me?
Neji's fingertips paused above the Nara's brow. He glanced towards the junction of Shikamaru's neck, realising that despite the marks he'd left on the Chūnin's body, Shikamaru hadn't been angry. He'd shrugged it off in a way that Neji couldn't understand, given how he'd react if someone ever dared to brand him in such a way.
"Gonna smother me, Hyūga?"
Neji jolted so violently he almost lost his perch on the bed. In his jerk for balance, his palm accidently smacked Shikamaru's face, causing the shadow-nin to wrinkle his nose in reflex.
"Slapping now?" Shikamaru drawled. "Not as bad as a head butt, but kind of girly."
Neji snorted and dropped his hand to the side, attempting to recover from his embarrassment. "I can oblige you with that head butt if you'd prefer."
Shikamaru tilted his head against the mattress, arching a brow. "It'll go on your track record, Hyūga."
Neji smiled slightly, twisting his lips in an attempt to squash it. He failed however when Shikamaru smirked, dragging a weak chuckle from him.
"You weren't sleeping at all, were you?"
Neji didn't get a response, just a drop of the Nara's eyes as they settled on his mouth. Then, without warning, Shikamaru's fingers strayed across to his wrist, gripping it to tug his hand up. Neji allowed it. He watched as Shikamaru examined his fingers.
"I'm fine," he said quietly.
Shikamaru glanced up, frowning. The intensity in the Nara's eyes bore straight through him. Neji twisted his wrist free, skimming his fingers down to settle at the crook of Shikamaru's arm, rubbing his thumb over the dark fabric creased there. They stayed this way a little while, until Shikamaru attempted to move, dragging his elbows to lever himself up. Neji watched him pause halfway with a wince.
"Ugh, troublesome…"
The Hyūga shook his head. "Next time you decide to lie down for a nap, don't do it dangling off the edge like this."
Shikamaru snorted, scooting back on the mattress. "This is coming from the sadist who kept me 'dangling off the edge' all damn night."
A breathy laugh rolled from Neji's lips. "You provoked me."
"You're still a sadist," Shikamaru lounged back against the headboard, managing a salaciously arousing smile with just one corner of his lip curved upwards.
Bastard.
Neji had to glance away, smiling. "That would make you a masochist then."
Shikamaru shrugged, his lip still curved. "Hey, I run away from bodily harm remember?"
"Apparently that depends on the context."
"Guess I wasn't exactly in the position to move, never mind run."
Neji smiled wryly. "How inconsiderate of me."
"Good thing it was worth the look on your face, Hyūga."
"You should have seen the look on yours," Neji returned smoothly, drawn into the addictive banter.
"You should know, given what you were just doing."
The words caused Neji's tongue to stick to the roof of his mouth.
He found himself unable to look across or supply a smart retort.
Just like most of the verbal matches that played out between them, a subtle move from Shikamaru tended to turn the situation on its head, forcing Neji into a position where he'd almost always go on the defensive. Which begged the question, why on earth wasn't he doing that right now, automatically?
He should have said something in his defence, if only to protect his pride.
"Your pride is gonna kill you"
Neji frowned, his opal eyes tracing the neat lines of the tatami flooring. He felt the mattress dip and rock, tensing up to keep his balance. Then he felt a familiar touch at his nape. His frown dissolved, crumbling into a tired fall of his lashes as Shikamaru's fingers rubbed lightly.
Neji tipped his head down a little, humming as he shifted his mind to the mission. "When do we move?"
"Around five," Shikamaru's voice drifted from behind him, low and quiet. "That's when Kitori said the batches get sent out."
"Good." Neji turned his head slightly "I didn't see Sakura in the building, where is she?"
"She's playing vet."
Neji arched a brow, his eyes still closed. "With those dying birds?"
The shadow-nin's fingers faltered, settling just beneath the base of his skull. Neji slipped his eyes open, waiting for a response that didn't come. Instead, he felt a gentle pressure at his shoulder blade. He realised a second later that it was Shikamaru's brow settled against his back.
"Do not fall asleep on me, Nara," he warned mildly, smiling as he attempted to glance over his shoulder.
The shift caused Shikamaru to raise his head just as Neji twisted around. Their forehead's brushed lightly, drawing a faint smile from both ninja.
"Almost," Neji teased.
"Close enough," Shikamaru muttered, glancing away. "I still think you plan this shit."
Neji chuckled low in his throat, leaning in to mockingly tap their brows. Shikamaru's smile softened and it did something to Neji's chest as surely as if that mouth had swept across the bruises there. It was a strange feeling. It wasn't painful, but there was a twinge of something raw.
Like an ache.
Like a sadness.
Stop…
Shikamaru must have sensed something, because the Nara's fingers were back at his nape in an instant, kneading gently. The touch eased him a little, trigging that warm that both soothed and stirred. Then those fingers paused, pressed, then passed under the seam of his robe, sweeping across the bare skin of his shoulder, pressing firmly along the strong curve.
"You're cold," Shikamaru murmured.
"Hmn?" Neji glanced up, faced with the sharp furrow between Shikamaru's brows.
"You're cold," the Nara repeated, and Neji felt those fingers digging in as if to press heat into his skin.
Neji lifted his shoulder a little, not sure whether he was pushing the touch away or pressing into it. He settled for a quiet hum to avoid responding, tapping the cool steel of his headband to Shikamaru's shoulder with a sigh. If he'd stopped long enough to consider what he was doing, it might have occurred to him that he'd never leaned on anyone this way before.
Why would I? I've never needed this…I still don't…
Which didn't explain why he didn't pull away.
He felt Shikamaru's hands skim down his arms, long fingers kneading through the white of his robe, pressing through tension and pulling up warmth from places kept cold.
How?
As Neji searched for the answer, he felt the contact between them pulling up more than warmth. It pulled up the ache from his bones…the tiredness…the pain…
Stop…
"Breathe," Shikamaru's murmur stroked across his ear.
Neji pulled in a sharp breath through his nose, but released it quietly against Shikamaru's shoulder. He felt the shadow-nin's palms coast up along his shoulder blades, easy, calming sweeps, occasionally marked by the press of fingertips.
"Breathe…"
The ache receded a little, the pain dulling as his body started to relax. He felt the world dimming around the edges of his senses, the lull of sleep pulling at him.
Stay awake.
Neji sighed, his voice muffled against Shikamaru's shoulder. "Don't allow me to fall asleep like this."
Shikamaru hummed, the sound resonating deep in his throat. "I might beat you to it."
Neji chuckled quietly and without thinking he turned his head, pressing a kiss just beneath Shikamaru's jaw. The hands skimming his back paused briefly before resuming their easy strokes.
"Relax…" Shikamaru's breath warmed his temple.
Neji raised his head. The second he did, the Nara's fingers slipped around to trace along his jaw, a thumb rolling at the hinge, rubbing small circles.
"Relax," Shikamaru murmured again.
Neji arched a brow, nudging Shikamaru's hand with the edge of his jaw. "You're tenser right now than I am, Nara."
Shikamaru cocked his head quizzically. "Oh yeah?"
Neji smiled faintly and raised a pale hand. He tapped his fingers to Shikamaru's temple, then slid his thumb to the tender area, rubbing small circles in time with the shadow-nin's touch at his jaw.
"Yes," Neji said quietly. "Are you in pain?"
Shikamaru frowned and reached up to grip his wrist, tugging it away.
The action was sharp and sudden.
It surprised Neji. He set his hand at Shikamaru's shoulder instead, squeezing gently. True to his words, he could feel the tension knotted there, following it with the pads of his fingers.
"Two hours," Shikamaru said quietly, his own hand falling away from Neji's jaw. "You know how much shit can happen in two hours?"
Neji frowned. "Shikamaru…"
Shikamaru's gaze drifted to his chest.
Neji hooked a knuckle under the shadow-nin's locked jaw, tilting the Nara's head up to redirect his attention from that dangerous zone.
Their mouths brushed.
Breaths tangled.
Then something changed.
Shikamaru shoved forward, forcing Neji to dig his knee into the mattress to keep from toppling back. He'd barely caught his balance before the Nara knocked it, tugging him forward and rolling them sharply.
Shikamaru came up on top, his eyes darker than Neji remembered them appearing just seconds before. The Hyūga only managed to get one elbow beneath him before the force of Shikamaru's mouth crashing above his capsized his spatial awareness, tunnelling his focus purely into the clash of teeth and war of tongues.
Fierce and frustrated.
Angry.
Neji could taste it in the kiss, feel it in the hands that gripped his shoulders, fingertips digging in hard enough to bruise. The Jōnin twisted his hips sharply, aiming to throw Shikamaru sideways only to end up crashing their hips together as the Nara predicted the movement, slamming the opposite way.
The bed rocked.
The headboard cracked loudly against the wall.
Teeth grazed Neji's throat, dragging along until Shikamaru's mouth settled at the junction of his shoulder, firing moist heat as fingers tugged aside the neck of his robe in a jerk. Neji tensed up, his eyes flaring as he prepared to pitch Shikamaru across the room with the flat of his palm.
He didn't have to.
Those teeth didn't move to mark him.
No bite came to brand him.
Just the gentle press of lips; a sudden, sweeping touch as fleeting and soft as if the Nara had simply breathed across his skin.
Neji went very still.
He felt the stroke of Shikamaru's lips settle into a lingering press. Then the shadow-nin's brow dropped to his shoulder, leaving them both tense and silent.
A bird chirped somewhere outside.
Leaves rustled against the window.
Neji frowned up at the ceiling, paralyzed and panting as he tried to make sense of what the hell had just happened. It took a long moment of futile searching before he calmly raised a hand, let it hover above Shikamaru's back and then raised it higher. He settled his fingers at Shikamaru's nape, rubbing the base of the Nara's head. No sooner had he done this then the hands gripping his shoulders loosened, one sliding higher to caress his nape in return – a thumb tapping softly.
Their breathing evened into a lull as synchronised as their touches.
And the apologies passed between them without words.

The scratch of leaves across the balcony woke him, stirring his mind from the heavy fog he'd drifted into. Sleep. He'd fallen asleep. That was not supposed to happen.
Neji frowned, his eyes still closed.
Fingers brushed across the bridge of his nose.
The Hyūga's eyes flicked open, his lashes tickling the pads of Shikamaru's fingers as they tapped lightly at the furrow between his eyebrows. The tapping stopped however, when he glanced across, catching the shadow-nin's profile. At some point Neji had rolled onto his side and Shikamaru onto his back. The shadow-nin lay flat, staring up at the ceiling through lidded eyes. His arm was crooked awkwardly above Neji's head so the heel of his hand rested against the hitai-ate and his slender fingers at the bridge of the Hyūga's nose.
Neji sensed something else in the touch.
The hesitancy in it.
The questions.
And just as he'd mapped Shikamaru's face searching for answers, he sensed the Nara was now doing the same thing. His suspicion was confirmed when Shikamaru's fingers curled away to smooth across the steel of his headband, that thumb tapping lightly.
"It happened at 4am, didn't it?" Shikamaru murmured, his voice a little raspy, whether from tiredness or restraint, Neji couldn't tell.
The Hyūga closed his eyes, exhaustion tearing at his defences as he struggled to pull them up; but his response slipped out before he could catch it.
"Yes."
Shikamaru's fingers smoothed through his bangs. "Why did they use it?"
Neji kept his eyes closed; the blackness making it easier to believe that this was a dream. That he hadn't woken. That the words burning like bile in the back of his throat weren't leaking like blood between his lips.
"Because I fought them...when they came for him…"
Those fingers in his hair paused, redirected and caressed his head instead. "Him?"
"His body."
Shikamaru's touch stilled on his head. "Your father…"
Neji's throat locked. The pain would have come, if he'd let it. He felt the ghost of it deep down in his chest; a fathomless ache of everything repressed, threatening the blocks damming it up and holding it in.
"Shit," Shikamaru breathed out. "You were just a kid."
Neji smirked bitterly. "A naive, pathetic child. Yes."
Shikamaru drew a sharp breath through his nose. "Don't say that."
The blindness of Neji's closed eyes wasn't enough of a guard against that tone. He slipped his eyes open, staring coldly at Shikamaru's jaw as it flexed.
"Why?" he snorted. "It's true…"
Shikamaru turned his head and frowned, his dark eyes torn with the same confusion as his voice. "How the hell can you think that?"
Neji arched a brow, his next words falling without emotion. "What else do you call a foolish child protecting a corpse?"
Shikamaru's eyes widened.
The horrified look was enough to dent the apathy that armoured Neji's chest. He felt a crumple in his expression, but pulled it taut as he turned away from Shikamaru, moving to swing his legs from the bed, placing his back to the sudden threat the shadow-nin's eyes had become.
"I don't need you to look at me that way," Neji said quietly, his unseeing stare fixed across the room, staring through the wall, through the moment, through time and space and broken memories. "It doesn't matter anymore, Shikamaru."
He felt the mattress dip behind him.
"Yet it's been years and it's never gone away."
"Time erases at its own pace, apparently."
"Wake up, Neji," Shikamaru's voice carried in a tense growl. "It's still affecting you subconsciously and always at the hour it happened. How the hell can you say that doesn't matter?"
Because it can't matter…
Neji felt the chords in his throat pulling tight.
He found his voice with effort, flattening his tone into the same cold expression as his face. "So I have a recurring memory of a bad experience. Who doesn't?"
"Bad experience?"
The incredulous rasp of Shikamaru's words had Neji glancing over his shoulder. "Why are you getting so bothered by this, Nara?"
Shikamaru stared at him in shock, then with a very real, very raw kind of anger. "Those bastards activated a curse jutsu on a traumatised four-year-old kid."
Neji felt a numbness setting in, like a chill he couldn't feel.
He glanced away.
His lack of reaction provoked one.
Shikamaru's next words cut into the silence and straight into his chest. If it hadn't struck him where he was just too numb to feel the pain, he'd have flinched.
"That could have fucking killed you, Neji."
"Almost."
"What?"
"I'm stubborn." Neji hummed, not realising his eyes had frosted over. "You said it yourself. That much hasn't changed at least, in all these years."
Shikamaru's silence was long and heavy.
Neji heard him swallow.
"God dammit, Neji…" the brittle whisper might as well have been a scream; it's impact was twice as devastating.
Neji closed his eyes and steeled himself against it.
Stop…
A sharp rap at the door broke the tension before it could set or shatter between them.
Neither moved.
"Yo, Shikamaru, move your lazy ass!" Kiba's voice muffled through the wood.
"Let's go!" Naruto.
Another knock, softer. "Shikamaru?"
Chōji. It was only the Akimichi's voice that prompted Shikamaru to move. Neji felt the mattress dip and the sheets rustle as the Nara swung his legs from the bed, releasing a quiet sigh as he strolled over to answer.
Move…
Neji took the opportunity to move in the other direction and quickly slipped out onto the balcony, drawing the shoji door shut behind him. Cold air whipped at his face, lashing at his bangs. The sun was gone, lost behind clouds that rolled grey and heavy above the canopies. Even the birds had hushed and the ever-present melody of Hanegakure's song was muted to an occasional twitter or caw.
The door slid open behind him. Then slid shut.
Neji didn't turn, his pale eyes fixed on the canopies.
Minutes dragged by so slowly that he almost doubted the presence behind him was there at all. Just another ghost. That is until he heard the crackle of leaves underfoot, followed by a gentle brush at his arm as Shikamaru came to stand beside him.
The wind played between them, softer than the silence.
When Neji glanced across, the Nara's dark eyes turned towards the sky.
"We'd better get moving," Shikamaru said quietly, studying the clouds.
Neji didn't have to ask to know.
A storm was coming.
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Break to Breathe