Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

All For the Sake of Pleasure	By : Kanemoshi Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male > Kakashi/Iruka Views: 8225 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 6
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters and did not make any money from creating this story.

Chapter List
- 26
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Chapter Twenty Seven
Iruka touched the sealed edge of the manila envelope with trembling fingers. In that seemingly harmless envelope was information that could change his, and Kakashi's, lives. It could mean everything to him – it may be the one reason he could have to see Kakashi, to just spend some time in the presence of the man who fathered his son. Or it could be the one thing to drive Kakashi even further away if those letters spelled out a very different possibility. He had not been this nervous when Tsunade had handed him these papers over a week ago.
The moment he had touched the thin envelope in Tsunade's office, he had known he couldn't open it. Truthfully, now that he had the truth of Saki's birth in his possession, he had no urge to know how his son came into being. Iruka was terrified of what that report contained. At least Tsunade had no idea what the results were, so she could not even hint at what kind of answer Iruka held in his clenched fists. There was no other evidence of the results, no medical report written, or anything that could lead back to Iruka and Kakashi's relationship. The Hokage had said the results of the test were personal – and she did not want to get involved in his and Kakashi's relationship. So she had not given the medic who performed the test any names, nor had she looked over the results before sealing them in an envelope and giving them to Iruka. He had not asked her for the secrecy, but he was thankful.
In case the test showed Kakashi was not Saki's father, it was strangely reassuring that no one other than Iruka and Kakashi would ever know. Of course, Iruka would one day have to tell Naruto, Sasuke, and Saki – but he was not even ready for the truth himself, so how could he tell his brothers and his son something he himself did not understand?
The envelope remained sealed.
Iruka had tried to open it time and again. He had even gone so far as to start working one edge of the envelope loose. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't open it, he was so afraid of what it may contain. So, he had started taking the long way home from work – the one way that just happened to take him past Kakashi's apartment. But he could never scrounge up the courage to actually knock on the door.
Hinata never asked why Iruka seemed to get back from the academy later and later with each passing day. In fact, it was because he was spending more and more time just standing in front of Kakashi's apartment, sometimes even mustering up enough strength to stand in front of the door. Once, his had even rose to knock, but his fist just hovered inches from the door as though some invisible force was keeping him from actually informing Kakashi he was there.
Hinata never questioned him why his eyes were either filled with unshed tears or puffy from crying when he came home from work. And Iruka had never been so grateful for someone turning a blind eye. How could he explain that the memory of those weeks with Kakashi tore at his heart? How he tried again and again to think of something that could repair the rift between them? But words were not enough. Iruka could apologize again and again, but how could Kakashi trust him now that he knew Iruka had lied to him for an entire year?
Even now, Iruka continued to keep secrets. He had not gone straight to Kakashi's apartment the day he got the results from Tsunade. That first day, it seemed so surreal that he had the explanation to his son's existence in his hands that he could not imagine going to Kakashi. The next day, it felt like a dream that he could know who Saki's father was for certain. And the next and the next. Before Iruka realized it, the envelope had simply just faded to the back of his mind. He knew it was there, a constant reminder of his newfound penchant for secrets, but he never really found it to be something that haunted him. And before he knew it, ten days had gone by. Ten days! It had taken him ten entire days to finally stand in front of his ex-boyfriend's apartment and bring his knuckles down against the wood door.
And wait.
Swallowing, Iruka studied the yellow envelope in his hands, wondering how Kakashi would take the news that Iruka had gotten a paternity test. Would he be glad to also learn who fathered Saki? Or would he be angry to learn that, once again, Iruka had gone behind his back? Iruka had not asked for permission to have the test done. But wouldn't Kakashi be relieved to finally have the truth?
No matter how painful it may be?
One way or the other, one of them was not going to be pleased with the results. He hoped and prayed that the envelope contained proof that miracles still occurred. All he wanted was to know that Kakashi was Saki's father. He wanted one reason to see Kakashi. Even if he had no chance to ever have a relationship with Kakashi and would always have to live with the painful reminder of his mistakes, just to see him – just to hear his voice and his laugh when he spent time with their son. Perhaps that would be enough. But how would Kakashi take the discovery that Saki was his son? How would he cope with knowing he had missed out on those eight months Iruka was pregnant, then the past six months of being little more than a glorified babysitter to his own son? Well, perhaps a bit more than a babysitter, Irukad admitted to himself with a blush as he recalled their time together. No matter how Kakashi viewed his relationship with Saki, Iruka had the feeling the jounin might just be more relieved to know that he had been right all this time and Saki was not his child. At least then he would not have to deal with the self-reproach he would assuredly feel otherwise.
Iruka was torn from his thoughts when he heard the click of the door being opened. With his heart in his throat, Iruka looked up from the manila envelope, expecting to see Kakashi on the other side of the door. Instead, he was surprised to see that no one was there, but he still stepped through the portal before he talked himself out of going in. Confused for only a moment at the lack of his lover's presence, Iruka understood the extent of his ex's anger when he felt a flicker of energy close the door behind him.
Kakashi refused to even come to the door, using his chakra to let Iruka in.
XXX
Kakashi's eyes flickered over his pack, mentally listing all the supplies he would have to pick up on his way to Suna. It was actually surprising how much he was lacking. Then again, he had not been on an extended mission in over a year, so it should not be unbelievable that most of his medications and rations had expired.
He could remember a time when his pack held more necessities in it than his entire apartment. He had been so well prepared that he could leave on missions in mere seconds, just needing the time to grab his pack. Then again, that was before he truly lived in his apartment. It was when he found the endless string of missions more comforting than spending a moment in the empty, quiet house he and his father had spent so much time in during his brief childhood. Then, when he finally made enough money to move out, he had simply picked the first apartment in his price range. Over the years, his friends had furnished it for him as though he wouldn't notice a table or couch that mysteriously appeared while he was away on a mission.
As time went on, his kitchen started to accumulate dishes as his genin team came over uninvited. His fridge became stocked when Sakura took cooking lessons, trying out her concoctions on her unsuspecting teammates and teacher after grueling practices.
Then, something changed. This small apartment that was filled with mementos of friends became more than just a place to crash when he had time to sleep between missions. It became his home. It slowly started when his team grew out of their need for a sensei. Yet they needed a friend in those first years of transitioning between children and adults.
Kakashi's eyes glanced over to his couch, where Naruto had slept more than once when he had fought with Sasuke. Or, when Naruto kicked his lover out, Sasuke had curled up on whatever piece of furniture he could. Sakura had slipped in at unholy hours after a long shift at the hospital, curling up on Kakashi's bed and waking up long before him. He would come out of unconsciousness to the smell of pancakes and coffee, knowing that he had guests.
Then there were the days all three of his old students came over to celebrate some achievement or another. Birthdays, holidays, promotions – they always had a reason to bring food to cook and alcohol to drink. And those were times Kakashi would never forget.
For years he had been asked by countless allied villages to consider relocating. He had been asked to take on countless roles, from teacher to ambassador, but he had been too dedicated to his missions when he was in his teens and early twenties. Then he had his students. When those three became jounin, there was nothing holding Kakashi back, yet he still remained in Konoha.
He stayed to be their friend and mentor, though he lied so no one knew just how much those three teens had come to mean to him. He said he was busy with missions or that he was waiting for the next Icha Icha book signing. He had countless stories to tell to keep himself in Konoha.
Then, there was Keiko. He remained in Konoha to keep a secretive eye on her during her pregnancy. And Saki was the one thing that kept him from disappearing to another village when he learned of Keiko's death. It was only a matter of time before Iruka became such a part of his life that Kakashi had another reason to stay. How could he even consider moving when he would be leaving the two loves of his life behind?
What did he have left now?
It had been three weeks since he had seen or spoken to Iruka. He dealt with three horribly long weeks of missing Saki's laughter and babbling, of Iruka's smiles and warm embraces. And he had tried everything to make it bearable.
He had drunk himself into oblivion for nearly a week and a half. Yet, waking up with a monster of a hangover and with Gai patting him reassuringly was not how Kakashi wanted to spend the rest of his life. He did not want to return to sobriety only to realize he did not remember the past several days – then wonder if he had done something he would regret, from sleeping with countless strangers to confronting Iruka.
Ignoring his emotions did not help. He had actually tried that for a week, but his feelings would creep up on him at the worst possible times. A discussion with Anko over fighting styles reminded him of his few training practices with Iruka. Seeing Kurenai and little Asuma only made him wonder what Saki would look like when he is that age. Even his once sacred visits to the memorial were tainted. How would his sensei have reacted to his treatment of Iruka? Hurting the man who had raised his own demon-containing son – the Fourth would certainly have wrung Kakashi's neck if he was still alive. Would Obito laugh at how Kakashi had turned into one of those crazy, baby-talking idiots when around Saki? Worst of all Kakashi now thought of his own father when he visited the memorial. Would his father understand? Would he have loved the baby boy who shared his name? Kakashi had the feeling his father would have been humbled to have a namesake, no matter if Saki shared any blood with the Hatake clan.
Everything now made him recall his short time with Iruka and Saki. Nothing was safe; everything resulted in the emotional pain. And Kakashi had tried dealing with the agony for the past few days after everything else failed. But not even he was that strong.
So he took the first request for a diplomat when he stopped by the Mission Office this morning. He did not look at the particulars. Anything to get him out of Konoha. Only as he packed did he glance over the description so that he knew exactly what to put in his pack. He had signed up to live in Suna for at least a year. It was perfect for what Kakashi needed right now. And yet, it terrified him.
He was scared to leave Konoha – to leave Iruka and Saki. It did not matter that, apparently, they did not need him. They had gone on living without him. Kakashi had valiantly fought the urge to check in on them, knowing in the logical part of his mind that a clean break would be easier for all of them. He had tried to sever every tie he had with the two brunets…and he had failed. Last night, he had slipped into the apartment and found Iruka sleeping in the rocking chair in Saki's room. He could not help himself. He had brushed a kiss against those soft lips. If it had been one of his romance novels, Iruka would have woken up, forgiven him, and then shown him in very physical ways that he was missed. Yet Iruka had slept on, unaware that Kakashi knelt before him, silent tears filling his eyes.
Kakashi jumped at the sudden sound that filled his ears. It took him a moment to recognize it as a knock at the door. Glancing up from his pack, he sent a flicker of chakra across the apartment to open the door. It was probably Gai, bringing the last of his supplies. He had enlisted his friend's aid the past three weeks. First, it had been as a drinking buddy – but Gai had been the shoulder he had metaphorically cried on as he came to terms with the truth: he had to leave Konoha if he was ever going to regain control of his life.
It was either that or beg Iruka for forgiveness. And he was not going to go back to Iruka when the brunet was the one who had been in the wrong. Iruka had not only lied to him, he had torn his heart to shreds. A bet! Iruka fucked him on a bet! How was he supposed to take that?
Anger bubbled up in him and Kakashi started furiously stuffing his clothes into his pack, not caring that he wrinkled them. In fact, he was happy he was ruining over an hour of preparation. He had unconsciously folded them so perfectly Iruka would have been proud. Damn it, even his clothes were a reminder of his love for the man!
Growling under his breath, Kakashi nearly missed the soft gasp that came from his doorway. That was not Gai's deep voice. Turning, Kakashi found his eyes widening slightly when he saw Iruka standing there.
It was every dream come true. Iruka was finally in front of him. Words raced through his head, words of apology, phrases of anger and bitterness – but Kakashi could not form a single sound, his throat was so constricted with emotion.
"Oh…you're leaving?" Iruka asked quietly as he gestured to the clothes and weapons strewn across Kakashi's bed. Whatever he had been expecting when he entered Kakashi's apartment, it had not been discovering the jounin getting ready to leave. And, from the amount of things he was packing, it looked like it was going to be a while before he came back.
"U-Un," Kakashi choked out as he stared at Iruka hungrily. Even his very hands trembled, begging to touch his lover. To brush a knuckle against his scarred cheek; to weave his fingers into his thick hair. To wrap his arms around Iruka and never let him go. But he did none of that. Instead, he found the strength to speak evenly, not allowing his voice to betray his emotions. "A diplomatic mission. I leave in a few hours."
"Ah…" Iruka forced his features to remain calm while his heart broke into a thousand pieces. A diplomat? That meant months, perhaps years away from Konoha. That meant Kakashi had already made up his mind. There was no reconciliation; there was nothing Iruka could say to make him stay.
But perhaps there was something Iruka could give him to keep Kakashi in Konoha. Bile rose in Iruka's throat at that thought. Could he possibly force Kakashi to remain when it was painfully obvious he was eager to leave? If it turned out Saki was Kakashi's son, could he make the man stay against his wishes?
"Why are you here?" Kakashi asked, somehow keeping his tone cold and unfeeling as his entire body cried out to scoop Iruka up in his arms and beg Iruka to take him back. Instead, he simply turned away from the brunet and picked up his katana. To disguise the trembling of his body and the weakness in his knees, Kakashi sat down on the edge of his bed and began sharpening his already lethal blade. As useless as the action was, it gave Kakashi a reason to keep his eyes off of Iruka and something to do with his hands.
"I-I…" Iruka stammered, floored by the deep, uncaring voice that had come from his lover. He had never heard that tone from Kakashi before. It did not fit the man who laughed easily and loved passionately. It did not match up with the man who Iruka would quietly watch as Kakashi and Saki played peek-a-boo, not noticing that they had an audience. Nor did it suit the man who used to snuggle up to him in bed, mumbling dirty words in his sleep as well as soft professions of love. Iruka bit his lip as he realized that this was the infamous, intimidating jounin everyone else saw. This was the man who struck terror into countless powerful shinobi who would do Konoha harm. And he was a complete stranger to Iruka.
Kakashi glanced up from his razor-sharp blade, surprised when he saw the hurt in Iruka's features. Despite his anger, he felt a wave of self-reproach when he realized he was the one who put that expression on his brunet's face. The only thing that kept him from racing to pull Iruka into his arms was the memory of how much Iruka had hurt him – how much it had destroyed him to find that their relationship was no more than a bet.
"I-I came to g-give you this," Iruka whispered as he held up the manila envelope he had all but crushed between his hands to hide his nervousness. Despite his best attempts to maintain some semblance of calm, his hands trembled as he held the envelope out. But Kakashi did not move from the bed or make any other move to show he was mildly interested. The jounin simply went back to sharpening his blade.
"Put it on the dresser," Kakashi stated with a shrug as he eyed the edge of his blade. It did not matter that his katana could cut through metal, it was so sharp. It could always be sharpened more, especially if it gave him something to do instead of show a flicker of interest in the mysterious envelope Iruka was holding out.
"I-It…it's the results of a test…" Iruka's voice quavered as he moved to place the envelope on Kakashi's bare dresser. With a start of surprise, Iruka took in the rest of the room and his eyes widened as he saw just how empty the bedroom looked. Usually, Kakashi's furniture had weapons, clothes, and all sorts of miscellaneous things spread out across them. But not even an Icha Icha novel was visible. Wherever Kakashi was going, he was planning on being there for some time. And a flicker of fear ran through him as he wondered if this mission was permanent. Was Kakashi moving to another village…for more than a few months or years? Would he ever return to Konoha?
Kakashi had to look up from his sword at those words. A test? What the hell test could Iruka have had that would interest him? The packet Iruka was putting down on the dresser did not look thick. A few pages, but no more. What could he possibly have tested? Would it change something between them?
"I-It's a paternity test," Iruka explained as he kept his back to Kakashi, not having the strength to face the jounin. Not if he wanted to speak without bursting into tears. Even not facing Kakashi, he could feel the saline prick at the back of his eyes. "Tsunade does not know the results…and I haven't looked at them. And this is the only copy of the results. I-I don't care what you do with it. Saki is my son, no matter what the test says. But I thought you should know if he's yours…"
"And if he isn't?" Kakashi whispered, all thoughts of sharpening his katana fleeing his mind as he studied the tenseness in Iruka's shoulders. Could Iruka really still believe that Saki was his son? Why else go through a paternity test? Why not read the results himself and just avoid this painful meeting?
Iruka shrugged his shoulders as he turned to leave the room. "Then I guess I'll figure it out when you don't visit." With that, he moved silently across the floor towards the door, but Kakashi's next words stopped him in his tracks.
"What's keeping me from lying about the results?" Kakashi asked, his voice finally betraying his emotional turmoil. He was astonished that Iruka would still want him to visit if those pages said Saki was his son. Iruka did not know the test results. The only way he was going to find out which one of them fathered Saki was Kakashi's actions. If he remained a part of Saki's life, Kakashi was his father. If he left Konoha and severed all ties with the brunets, then Iruka would only assume his son had one parent and he had named his child incorrectly. Kakashi could lie and visit a child who was in no way related to him – or he could ignore the fact he had a son simply because Iruka was a heartless bastard. The degree of trust Iruka showed in the single act of not looking at the results of the paternity test was overwhelming.
"Nothing," Iruka answered, his voice strained, as he took one last glance at the masked jounin. Kakashi wore not only the black mask everyone else associated with him, but his hitai-ate as well. With so much of his face covered, Iruka could not see any emotion in his face. He could not even tell if Kakashi was relieved to finally have proof whether or not Saki was his child. "I never meant to hurt you or lie…I never imagined it would have gone this far."
"Why the bet?" Kakashi questioned as he set his katana down on the bed and moved to stand. Of all the things Iruka had done – the lies, the secrets – there was only one thing Kakashi wanted to know. He could forgive the secrecy. Iruka had been protecting his son and Kakashi could never fault him for that. But a bet? Why the hell would Iruka think that it was acceptable to make a bet about pleasure, and then use Kakashi as little more than a sex toy to test a theory? That was what hurt most of all – the realization that Iruka had not had any feelings for him. Certainly not as Keiko, and Kakashi did not doubt that Iruka did eventually develop something for him…but that was not enough to ease the pain of Iruka's calloused motivations.
Iruka's eyes widened as he realized Kakashi knew. He knew all about the bet – about Iruka's reason for sleeping with him as a woman. And, from the tenseness in his voice, Kakashi also apparently knew the full extent of the bet. To sleep with someone as both a man and a woman, it was no wonder Kakashi probably took it the wrong way and assumed their time together since Saki was born was nothing more than Iruka fulfilling the rest of the bet. But how did Kakashi find out?
"Naruto told me…he didn't know you hadn't explained everything…" Kakashi said quietly, his voice filled with a mixture of anger and disgust. No amount of alcohol could erase that painful memory, though he had desperately tried to forget what it felt like to have his heart torn to shreds. And there was no way he could hide such emotion from Iruka now. "Damn it, a bet. You fucked me on a bet?"
"I-It isn't like that, Kakashi-"
"It isn't?" Kakashi snapped, his voice more of a growl than actual words. "You fuck me as a woman, fine. I know I have a reputation for one-night stands – hell, it even makes sense that you slept with me. I'm not deaf; I know what everyone says about me and how I'm the best lover you can get in Konoha. But why did you keep toying with me?" Kakashi tightened his hands into fists, not caring that his nails bit into his palms. The burn of pain in his hands was nothing in comparison to the agony of living with a broken heart. "Why did you become my friend? That wasn't part of your bet, was it?"
"Kakashi, I-"
"Don't!" Kakashi cut Iruka off before the brunet could explain himself. "Why didn't you just want another night together? You could have just fucked me and left like you did before! I would have been fine with it. It would be just like anyone else I slept with – sex and nothing else. Why did you have to seduce me? " The jounin took a deep breath as he shook his head, his voice laced with hurt and disbelief. "Why did you make me like spending time with you?"
"I didn't mean-" Iruka tried to explain, but fell silent with a single look from the jounin.
"You didn't mean to? Then why the hell did you make me trust you!" Kakashi roared as his nails dug into his palms. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he registered that his hands had begun bleeding, but he did not care. All that mattered was for Iruka to listen to him and see his side of things. "I don't trust anyone – and you made me think that maybe I finally found someone who wouldn't turn around and hurt me. You let me take care of your son, you told me about your childhood. For the first time in my life, I wanted to give that kind of trust back!"
Iruka was stunned by Kakashi's words. He had never heard such raw pain in his lover's voice, even when Kakashi had announced his sterility. And it was then he started to understand. Kakashi had always been a mystery to so many because he did not want anyone really knowing him. He did not want to give anyone the chance to hurt him. Kakashi had obvious trust issues, and how could he not after everything he had experienced? He was orphaned as a mere child who never really had a childhood. He lost his entire team in rapid succession, his eye – his entire way of life was destroyed. And, from Tsunade's reaction to Kakashi's medical report, at age seventeen, Kakashi had lost what little childhood innocence and trust he might have miraculously retained. He was someone who was as legendary as the Sannin before he even hit puberty. He struck terror into the hearts of missing nin even before he could legally drink. He had washed his hands in blood before most children even understood the concept of death. Kakashi never had a normal life – and Iruka had unknowingly ruined everything by giving him a taste of normalcy.
"Why did you make me fall in love with you?" Kakashi asked as he moved towards the brunet, unable to stop his feet from walking forwards. With a gentleness he did not even know himself capable of anymore, he brought a hand up to touch Iruka's cheek. "Why did you have to change everything? I was happy before you came along. I didn't need a real friend – I didn't need someone who would make me laugh and smile. I didn't need someone who I trusted enough to let them get to know me. I didn't need someone to show me just how lonely I was…"
"Kakashi," Iruka whispered as he involuntarily pressed his cheek into his lover's caress. A shiver of desire went down his back as he felt the warm touch he had so desperately missed. But, as quickly as those fingers touched his cheek, they were gone, leaving Iruka's skin so cold, the brunet shivered.
"J-Just get out, Iruka…" Kakashi said quietly as he took a step back, turning to go back to his packing. As he started stuffing more clothes into his pack, Kakashi listened for the footsteps leaving his room, but they never came. Turning slightly, he caught a glimpse of Iruka standing where he had left him.
"I-I'm sorry, Kakashi," Iruka whispered as he brought a hand up to touch his cheek. His very skin tingled where Kakashi had caressed him. And, in that brief moment Kakashi had touched him, Iruka had read in his visible eye what Kakashi had not stated directly. No matter how much Iruka had hurt him, Kakashi still loved him – and hated himself for it.
"I don't want your apologies, Iruka," Kakashi said as he moved to put away his katana. The sliding of the blade against its sheath was the only sound that filled the room, followed by a faint click. Gently, Kakashi laid his blade back onto his bed before reconsidering packing the extra uniform. He would rarely wear his Konoha outfit in Suna. If anything, he was going to have to dress in one of those stuffy, ceremonial robes most days, so he should probably not even bother packing clothes and just buy new ones in the other village.
But what if he stayed in Konoha? He knew there was no way he could go to Suna, knowing he had a son he was abandoning. The chances, however, of Iruka being right were so slim, Kakashi just went on packing. That envelope just contained proof of what Kakashi was already certain of, but a small part of him was anxious to read it just the same.
What if miracles were not as impossible as he thought?
Kakashi quickly quashed that flicker of hope before it infected him. Shinobi did not survive on hope. They survived missions by using cold, measured logic. They used probabilities and likelihoods or else they found themselves captured or killed. It was a mindset that had served him well his entire life. It was what had kept him alive on missions other shinobi had thought suicidal but Kakashi had only seen as a calculated risk. The results of his missions always outweighed the personal danger he voluntarily put himself in. After all, he had nothing to lose, so what was one more mission? What was one more dance with death? It was not as though anyone would truly mourn him.
And Iruka had to destroy that way of looking at life. He had taught Kakashi what it meant to have someone who would wait for him, worrying every moment he was away on a mission. Grinding his teeth as he put his extra uniform back on the bed, Kakashi desperately wanted to hate Iruka for turning his life inside out. He wished he could go back to his old way of life – the perspective of a man who was the epitome of selflessness. He had been someone who would not think twice in giving his life to protect a fellow shinobi or the village. He would have done anything short of betrayal to be that perfect shinobi. Yet Iruka had shown him another existence. He showed him a world where Kakashi might hesitate jumping at the chance of going on nearly impossible missions. Iruka had taught him that a good shinobi did not have to be one who defied death – it could be the one who did not tempt fate. It could be the one who made every attempt to come home, the one who dreamed of being in his lover's warm embrace and who fought so that he could hear a child's laughter once again.
If only Kakashi could hate Iruka for everything he had done to him, but all he wanted to do was fall to his knees and beg Iruka to take him back, to let him into his and Saki's lives no matter what that paternity test revealed.
"Please, Kakashi. I never meant to hurt you, but Saki shouldn't have to suffer because of my mistakes," Iruka said softly. Seeing his lover's shoulders tense as Kakashi continued to pack, obviously not caring about the sealed envelope on his dresser, Iruka took a step towards the jounin but froze when Kakashi spun around, glaring at him.
"Saki is not my son. How many times do I have to tell you that! I fucked you and that's it. I didn't ask to be pulled into your life. I didn't want to be anything more than one night of sex to you," Kakashi snapped at the brunet, no longer caring if he revealed the pain and anger Iruka caused him. Perhaps that was the only way he could get the brunet out of his apartment before he fell apart – hurting Iruka just as much as the brunet had hurt him was the only thing Kakashi could think of that could harm Iruka enough to appease his shattered heart. Lies came easily to Kakashi; it was an understandable result of a lifetime protecting his privacy and distancing himself from others. This, however, would be the only lie that he ever would say to Iruka. There was no future together for them; nothing short of a miracle could repair the damage. With a twisted sense of happiness, Kakashi realized that this would be his only chance to lie to Iruka. As accustomed as he was to lying, Kakashi was surprised by his own response to his words. This was the first time in his life that Kakashi was disgusted by the untrue words that crossed his lips even before he finished speaking.
"Why can't you understand I don't want to be with a lying bastard like you anymore?"
From the tears that accompanied the soft gasp that came from Iruka, he had succeeded in his attempts to hurt Iruka with a single sentence. But it did not make Kakashi feel any better. If anything, the clear pain in Iruka's strained features only served to send another shot of agony through him.
Kakashi quickly turned back to his bed before Iruka caught a glimpse of the regret, before he saw the proof of the jounin's lies in the foreign glisten in his natural eye. No matter how watery his gaze, Kakashi blindly continued packing so that Iruka could not see the first tears slipped from his right eye. Those same tears were quickly soaked up by his mask as though they were never even shed, hiding the fact even the greatest, most powerful of shinobi could still be hurt. So focused on keeping his sobs silent, Kakashi did not realize he was alone until the lingering feel of his lover's chakra completely dissipated.
It was only then that the brittle control Kakashi had over himself finally shattered and the jounin fell to his knees. Doubled over, clutching his chest above his shattered heart, Kakashi could no longer control the cries that wracked his frame. He had no idea how long he knelt there, mourning the future he had not known he even wanted until he met Iruka – and the one he had lost any chance of achieving.
Finally, there were no more tears to fall and no voice left to cry with. It was then Kakashi found the strength to look up, his gaze immediately focusing on the manila envelope Iruka had left behind.
XXX
Iruka somehow scrounged up enough strength to plaster a small smile on his face as he slipped into his apartment. Hearing a soft humming, he found himself gravitating towards the kitchen. Leaning against the doorframe, more out of exhaustion than anything else, the brunet watched the Hyuuga heiress as she did dishes.
It was a strange comfort to see that some parts of his life were still normal, despite the fact every other aspect of his life was in shambles. He came home every night to find Hinata acting as his personal maid, no matter how many times he told her she did not have to clean for him. All the young heiress could say was that she enjoyed the additional work.
Iruka had many times fallen into a trance as he cleaned, keeping his mind blank as he did mundane, monotonous work. He understood the calming effect something like cleaning had on those who did not find such acts tedious. So, after a week of trying to argue with the surprisingly stubborn girl, he had just given in and accepted her additional help.
"Saki just fell asleep a few minutes ago," Hinata stated, her voice clear and confident. In the past several years as a chuunin, the young woman had found her inner strength. No longer did the heiress tremble or stutter. No, if anything, Hinata had one of the strongest personalities Iruka had seen, as though she was somehow making up for her timidity during childhood. In fact, the woman was more like Naruto in character than anyone would have ever expected now that her spirit and courage was no longer being crushed by her overbearing father. No, since Hinata and Neji had forced their patriarch to listen to them instead of criticizing both teens – actually going as far as tying the elderly Hyuuga down and gagging him for a few hours, it was rumored – she had flourished.
It was no wonder that she and Naruto had struck up a close relationship in the past few weeks as she and the blonde bounced babysitting duties back and forth as their schedules allowed. If it was not for the fact both young adults adored watching Saki, Iruka might have felt like he was taking advantage of them.
"He was pretty cranky today, though. Naruto said he couldn't get him to eat much – and he wouldn't take a nap no matter what he tried," Hinata continued as she moved to dry the last dish. Finally done with her last chore for the day, she turned to look at her pre-genin teacher.
With a saddened smile, she studied the man before her. Gone was the bouncy, energetic teacher of her childhood, replaced by a man who was weighed down by far too much. It was not the stress of his job, nor was it his son, that made Iruka look so exhausted.
Hinata had first noticed the change in the brunet when he had hired her as a babysitter, but it was not until a week ago that she had seen a glimpse of what Iruka was hiding behind fake smiles and forced enthusiasm. That day, Iruka had come home later than usual, but Hinata had not asked what had kept him. She was worried more about the tears that trekked down his cheeks, ones that Iruka obviously did not even realize he was shedding and refused to discuss any time after that.
From her conversations with Naruto, she knew Iruka had been having problems with his ex-lover. From the past few weeks in Iruka's employment, she had determined that his feelings for his ex had not lessened a bit – and it was destroying him. If she could have conned Naruto into telling her who this mystery man was, she would have confronted him herself. The man must be heartless to hurt Iruka so, which only made Hinata wonder who could be so calloused.
"Thank you, Hinata," Iruka mumbled as he pushed off the doorframe, shuffling into the kitchen. He was going to need quite a bit of caffeine if he was going to survive grading all of the reports he had brought home with him today. Ever since his last confrontation with Kakashi a little over a week ago, Iruka had thrown himself into his classes to the point his students were calling him a heartless monster for all the assignments he had given them. If only the pre-genin knew just how close they were to the truth. If it was not for Saki and Iruka's unconditional, endless love for that beautiful boy, the brunet would have wondered if he had a heart too. "I'm sorry for keeping you later than usual tonight. I had to give some of my students make-up tests after classes were over."
"It is fine, Iruka-sensei. I'll see you tomorrow morning," Hinata replied as she moved to leave the apartment. She had learned quickly that, no matter how much concern she showed, Iruka never would talk to her about his problems. He never confided in anyone, not even Naruto. With a gentle touch to his shoulder, meant to comfort her old teacher, Hinata left for the night.
The moment the door closed behind the babysitter, Iruka somehow found the strength to put on a pot of coffee before he went to check on his son. Slipping into Saki's bedroom, Iruka felt a small portion of his exhaustion disappear at the mere sight of his son sleeping in his crib.
No matter how tired he was, just seeing the baby made Iruka smile and find that last burst of energy. Quietly, Iruka moved to lean over the crib's edge and brush a kiss against Saki's forehead. The baby pouted in his sleep, releasing a sound that was somewhere between a grumble and a coo. Iruka studied his son as Saki fell back into a deep sleep.
It was amazing how much Saki had grown already. The baby had surpassed everyone expectations so far. Saki babbled nonstop when he was awake, revealing his emotions not only in his cries and facial expressions like other babies his age, but with subtle gestures and the tone of his voice. He paid attention to everything around him. What frightened Iruka, however, were the physical advances. Already, Saki was crawling with ease and moving with such speed, it was difficult to keep up with him at times. The baby was strong for his size and age, having bruised Iruka and others more than once with his hugs or grabbing. Perhaps worst of all was the fact his son was already showing chakra control.
Iruka had first noticed it the night he had come back from Kakashi's after giving his lover the envelope containing the truth of Saki's birth. When he had gotten home, he had been a wreck. He had spent hours crying, but did not feel any better when he had finally ran out of tears. No, the only thing that made him stop his dry sobs was the whimper of his son as Saki woke up.
He had gone to pick his son up, but had frozen in place when he felt an unfamiliar chakra touch him. It was not an enemy's energy, he had known that immediately. Instead of threatening, the chakra was curious, if energy could have such characteristics. As Iruka lifted his half-awake child out of his crib, he had been floored to discover that questioning energy was coming from Saki. That tendril of chakra that had touched him had changed from curious to worried in the blink of an eye, matching the expression in the baby's face as he brought his hands up to touch Iruka's tear-stained cheeks.
Iruka had found it strangely touching that his son was trying to comfort him in his own way.
But not even Saki could completely erase the hurt of Kakashi's words. Then there was the pain of going the past week without a word from him. It was agony to realize that Kakashi was not going to visit – that all of his adamant declarations of Kakashi and Saki sharing blood must have been wrong. Why else would Kakashi have stayed away? Wasn't that their unspoken agreement – that Kakashi coming around for visits depended on the results of the paternity test? It tore at Iruka's heart as he wondered if Kakashi had felt a moment of regret or longing when he had read through the report and discovered Saki was not his son.
XXX
After six hours of unproductively staring at the papers in front of him, Iruka leaned back and rubbed his dry eyes. He was so very tempted to just give everyone an 'A' and be done with it. It was either that or read twenty-five interpretations on Rule 26 of the Shinobi Code. With a tired sigh, Iruka gave up. Everyone would pass the paper simply for doing the project. Perhaps on an exam or something, he would ask a similar question, but he could not possibly grade all of those papers now. Not after an entire night of looking over them and not gaining anything other than a desire to go to sleep.
Stretching back, Iruka took a moment to yawn before he slowly stood up. As he moved, the brunet rubbed his aching neck and shoulders. From all of the stress he had dealt with lately, Iruka was surprised he was not crippled yet by the agony of the resulting migraines and sore muscles. Instead, it was just a constant pain that Iruka was growing accustomed to.
Though he was exhausted, Iruka still had the energy to step into his son's nursery to check on him. It was not often that Saki slept this long without waking up, much less when he had not eaten much during the day as Hinata had informed him earlier. The moment Iruka stepped into the pastel-decorated room he could sense something was wrong.
His shinobi instincts went into overdrive as Iruka found himself gripping for a kunai that was not there. So tired, it took him a moment to remember that he did not wear weapons in the apartment now that Saki was getting into everything. No, all the blades were up on high shelves in anticipation of the day his son started to stand up.
Iruka's heart raced as he spun around, searching for the source of his unease. As horror rose through him, threatening to choke the very breath from him, Iruka found what had sent his senses haywire. Nothing in the room was touched, not a single thing out of place. Everything was as Iruka had left it six hours ago when he had checked on Saki. But something was very wrong – one very important thing was different. There was no unfamiliar chakra in the room, but that did not stop Iruka from realizing that he had an intruder. Someone who Iruka was already petrified of because of what they were capable of.
Because there was no other way to explain why Saki's crib was empty.
Iruka had the baby monitor – he would have heard if Saki was moving around at any time the past few hours. And, even if he had somehow missed the sounds of his son waking up, the crib itself was undisturbed, the toys exactly as Iruka had left them, suggesting Saki had not woken up and been crawling around. But what terrified Iruka even more was that he could not sense Saki's now-familiar chakra, telling Iruka that his son had found a way out of his crib and was somewhere in the apartment. No, everything pointed to the horrifying reality.
Someone had kidnapped Saki.
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