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Love Me When I'm Gone	By : KittenCobra Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1971 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

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23. Loneliness
I chose to stay in the hospital bed for a few days, only moving as far as the bathroom when absolutely necessary. Gaara stayed for only the first two. I’m sure he has responsibilities to attend to, despite our loss.
It is still so hard to face the loss of the baby. I had no idea I was pregnant. I hadn’t even thought it was possible, and it was stolen from me before I even learned the truth.
Would it have been better to have not known? No.
I feel my love for my lost little one deep within my aching chest. I can only hope I will get to see him someday, after I pass from this life. Part of me longs for that, for death; but a larger part of me now longs for Gaara.
We have not made love since the morning I was abducted, and I long for the comfort his body brings. I need to feel alive amidst all this death. I need him to love me, despite how I have failed. Tsunade assured me that it is safe. My body is healed. We will simply need to be careful, so I do not conceive again too soon.
No. I stop the thought dead.
Gaara will never allow me to become pregnant again. During the two days he spent by my side – his mood vacillated wildly between pain, guilt, anger, and naked fear. I may be able to conceive, but he still fears for my safety. I don’t have to read his thoughts to know the miscarriage has only made this worse. I was screaming like the woman in Skukaku’s torturous imaginings. By the time he’d reached the leaf village, he was drenched in my blood. From what Tsunade says… I shouldn’t have lived at all.
But I did… and now there is nothing but emptiness. Emptiness and longing. I wrap my blankets more tightly around me. I can feel two people entering the hospital, but I cannot bring myself to care.
“Mizuki?” Temari asks hesitantly from my doorway. Sakura – the shinobi with pink hair – is with her. They’ve brought me flowers, to wish me well.
“I’m not sure I want to be well, Temari.” I respond to her thoughts with my perpetually hollow voice. She comes and sits down on my bedside and gently places her hand on my own. I feel a rebellious tear fall down my cheek.
“I know,” she whispers, “but we need you, Mizuki. Gaara needs you. He wanders the streets like a dead man. I have never seen him so… lost.”
“I don’t know how to help him,” I say, my voice breaking. “The baby is gone. Despite my power, I failed him. I failed us both.”
“Please Mizuki,” she begs, grabbing my face in her hands. “If that child had lived… he would have lost you. He could not bear that.”
I can see from Sakura’s thoughts that Temari has told her of Gaara’s fear. Tsunade apparently believes it to be a true risk. They seem to think of it as some sort of silver lining. I may have to deal with the loss of a child, but not the loss of my life.
“It’s true,” Sakura states in mild awe. I can see Gaara’s hollow face in her mind’s eye. “I never would have believed Gaara could love like that.” I glare at her.
“Do you think I care about that?” I spit. “I would have protected my baby if I’d known he existed. I would have fought Gaara! I… I would have died to bring him into this world!”
“I know you would have,” Temari says with sadness, “but Gaara will not give you that chance again. I’m pretty sure he’s already talked to Tsunade about it.”
“I know,” I reply. “Don’t worry Temari. I would never trick him into getting me pregnant again. It would not be fair. I would feel like I was using him.” Temari and Sakura both sigh deeply, relieved.
Sakura’s hand begins to glow green, and she moves towards me.
“Don’t.” I say stiffly.
“I just need to see if your belly is emptying out okay. I’m sorry, but if it doesn’t it could make you very sick,” she explains wearily.
“Don’t touch me!” I shout. “I cannot bear it. If I fall ill… deal with it then.” I have refused any and all tests since I woke up. I don’t want to know more.
“Okay,” she sighs again stepping back.
“Where is Gaara?” I ask.
“You… can’t feel him?” Temari questions; worried.
“I do not… want to,” I explain. “I cannot bear his pain and mine. I… I need him Temari. I need him to hold me again…” I feel another tear escape, but my face still feels dead on my bones.
“We’ll go and fetch him,” she whispers softly, kissing my forehead gently as she leaves.
A couple of hours later, Gaara wanders back into my room. His eyes are deader than I have ever seen them – the rings around them deep black. He looks at me, and comes to sit on the edge of my bed. I move towards him… and he scoots away.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, confused.
“I am sorry,” he says in a low monotone. “I… I will not touch you again.”
My mind and body freeze in shock…
“What?” I ask in disbelief. I look down at my body. “You… You don’t… want me?” My voice breaks, and I watch a tremor run through him.
“No,” he says – voice flat, “I’m sorry if this causes you more pain. I shouldn’t have put you at risk, shouldn’t have allowed our affair to continue.”
“But… why?” I want to scream, to cry, to die all over again. “Gaara, you don’t have to put me at risk! You don’t have to allow me to get pregnant again. I know you fear for me. We can…”
“No!” his angry voice cuts me off. “We cannot. I’m sorry Mizuki. I do not… want you. I cannot see you without hearing your screams. I will not have sex with you again.”
I can feel the blood draining from my face, and my body begins to go numb. I cannot handle any more pain. I cannot have lost them both…
“I am leaving for Suna in the morning,” he continues. “You will stay here and live under the care of the Hokage. I have made arrangements to provide for all of your needs.”
“No!” I scream at him, my anger growing. “I am not some toy you can use and throw away when it suits you!” I can’t stand the indifference on his face.
“You will have your own home,” he continues as if I hadn’t interrupted him, “You will not need to worry over food or clothing ever again.”
“You bastard!” I scream in true rage now. “How dare you! How can you do this to me?! Do I mean nothing to you after all this time?”
“I have provided for you,” he states coldly. “That is more than we agreed upon.”
“Provided my ass!” I screech louder, sneering at him. “What about my other needs Gaara? Have you arranged for men to fill my bed at night? Perhaps your friend Naruto?!” I scoff, sick to my stomach. I am pushing him too far, but I do not care. He is leaving me!
“Do as you wish!” he screams at me, and I stumble away from him – frightened and confused; drowning in grief. After several long minutes his face is composed back into its blank mask. “I know you want children,” he states as if from a great distance. “If your need is so great, take another man to your bed… I will not hesitate to fulfill my own needs.”
“Fuck you!” I scream. I throw the vase of flowers that Temari brought at his head. It shatters against his sand.
“Goodbye Mizuki. I am sorry for the pain you suffer.” He turns and walks out, not even bothering to look back.
I cry out in rage, and collapse on the bed once again. The darkness is better, so I let it consume me.
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Love Me When I'm Gone

23. Loneliness