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The Blessed Realm	By : susanna Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male > Naruto/Sasuke Views: 1746 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 3
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Naruto, his friends and the world he lives in don't belong to me but to Masashi Kishimoto. I write this story only for my pleasure and I don't make any money with it.

Chapter List
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Chapter
Eighteen: Looking Back

When
Sasuke returned from the ophthalmologist Juugo was not with him: He
had again met some kids to play with. So he and Naruto had lunch by
themselves at the restaurant: silently, as Naruto was still in
thoughts about the letter he had got from Sakura, which he did not
want to mention to Sasuke, while Sasuke on his turn did not tell him
about his visit to the ophthalmologist. Only when they had some
dessert afterwards Naruto was no longer able to hide his curiosity:

“So
how did it go?” he asked. “Are you going to get these
contacts?”

He
hoped so – if he did, he'd have to stay for longer.

“The
doctor was able to measure my eyes”, Sasuke said. “But
having something put into my eyes was just impossible. He suggested
that tomorrow you come with me again.”

“Yeah,
sure I will”, Naruto answered, trying to sound casual, but
inwardly he was delighted: Being near Sasuke, being allowed –
even asked! - to help and support him.

With
the years, the dream of finding Sasuke and taking him back to Konoha
had become more and more abstract. He had wanted to save Sasuke from
being with people who were evil, and thus becoming evil himself, and
take him back to Konoha where he could be good again, as a true
Shinobi of the Leaf. But he had not known about how they would be
friends again: They could not simply take up where they had left at
the age of twelve: He, Naruto, had changed since then, and Sasuke had
changed too – something he had avoided to admit to himself
while he had still been hunting for Sasuke, but now he was ready to
acknowledge it, and find out how Sasuke had changed and how they
could be friends again – he was looking forward to it.

“We
can visit the botanical garden this afternoon”, he suggested to
him. “One of my colleagues told me that it is very beautiful
and that we simply have to see it.”

Sasuke
had never heard of such a thing as a botanical garden, so Naruto
explained to him what little he had understood of his colleague's
explanations: “Plants from all over the world.”

To
his surprise Sasuke agreed, and so they explored the botanical
garden. Naruto got bored pretty quickly, but Sasuke insisted on
looking at the tropical greenhouses, admiring the banana trees and
the living stones. To Naruto it seemed as if he could not get enough.

“The
world is so big, and I know so little”, he said, and Naruto
wanted to answer that it was his own fault, having spent so many
years in Orochimaru's lair, but then he remembered that most of what
he knew about the world he had learnt during his journeys with
Jiraiya, and that their former classmates back in Konoha knew very
little too.

Later
they had picnic on the lawn. Again there were awkward silences in
their conversation when they were in danger of talking of subjects
both of them tried to avoid, but if they managed to stick to what was
at hand, Naruto felt pretty comfortable, all the more as Sasuke too
was making an effort to keep the conversation going, until he
suddenly stopped both talking and listening: Finally he had
discovered a gay couple. They were having picnic too, at some
distance from them, one of them sitting on the blanket they had
brought with them, the other was lying with his head in his lover's
lap. There was nothing obscene, not even erotic about them, Sasuke
told himself, they were not even kissing, just caressing each other's
faces and arms and chests (with clothes on), and the two men, both
around thirty, were not particularly good-looking either, and still
it were such tender gestures and such a beautiful sight that Sasuke
just could not turn his eyes.

It
took Naruto a while until he had figured out the cause of Sasuke's
sudden silence. He too was moved by the two lovers' gentleness, it
hurt his heart, and he looked away.

“I
told you, you've got to get used to it”, he said to Sasuke.
“Besides, it's considered impolite to stare.”

Indeed
the men had grown uneasy, sensing that they were being watched. They
sat up and looked back at Sasuke, grinning at him and challenging
him.

“Let's
leave, or they'll ask you to join”, Naruto said.

Next
to the botanical garden there was the museum for Natural History,
which turned out to be much more interesting. They spent some time
looking at the gigantic mammals of the ice age, mammoths, cave bears
and sabre tooth tigres, but the dinosaur skeletons gave Naruto the
creeps, reminding him how he had turned into the kyuubi. Sasuke felt
uncomfortable too.

It
was fun to have him with him again, Naruto decided when they had
returned to his place. Even work was easier when Sasuke was present,
sitting in some corner by himself, browsing the newspapers for
articles on Konoha. When he had dreamt of bringing Sasuke back to
Konoha he had imagined the triumph, now he felt the happiness.

The
next morning was spent in company again; Naruto accompanied Sasuke to
the ophthalmologist. Sasuke managed to survive having the lenses put
onto his eyes without panicking; only Naruto had to look away, he
could not bear watching how something was put onto Sasuke's eyes.

Everything
was going according to plan, the doctor declared when they had
finished. The lenses fitted, the irritations were within the limits
of what was normal when one was wearing them for the first time, and
he should return the next day for wearing them a bit longer. Also, he
should begin to learn putting them in and taking them out as soon as
possible, as this would probably be easier than having someone else
do it.

“We
have to order them”, the doctor said. “We'll wait for
tomorrow, until we are confident that your eyes tolerate them. But
from tomorrow, it will be only some ten days until they arrive. If by
then you are already able to put them in and take them out yourself,
you can just pick them up and continue your journey.”

Naruto
swallowed – he had hoped for a longer extension of Sasuke's and
his team's stay at his place. The doctor had painfully reminded him
that the delay was only for a short time.

On
their way back they picked up the glasses from the optician's store.
Naruto insisted on Sasuke putting them on immediately, and not
waiting until they were back home, which Sasuke would have preferred.
It was a weird feeling – they were heavy on his nose, tight
behind his ears, they restricted his field of vision and made
everything seem smaller. Also, he kept imagining that everyone was
looking at him, thinking him really weird. He was glad that he had
Naruto at his side, less glad however he was about the fact that
Naruto bought some (rather unhealthy) food at one of the food booths
in town, to eat it on one of the benches in Heroes' Park, forcing him
to present himself to all the world with glasses, instead of hiding
in Naruto's dark apartment.

Annoyed
as he was at him, Naruto's presence was a comfort and let him feel
less insecure in this strange place, with his new face (with
glasses), with his new status (as a person with glasses) and also not
being able to fight (as he did not want to break his glasses.) Naruto
behaved as if everything was perfectly normal, and slowly Sasuke
gained confidence, stopped focussing on his food and began to look
around – the lawn was full of people, most of them enjoying
their lunch break, sitting around in large groups, eating and
drinking, but there were also couples making out – he even
managed to spot some gay couples, and again he could not hide his
fascination, so that they got aware of him and looked back. He felt
embarrassed, both for being caught looking and for his glasses, so he
took off his glasses to look around again, but this didn't work
either – he did not see clearly without glasses, and he felt
more in control when he could see who was looking at him.

Naruto
felt irritated. He only saw that Sasuke was absent-minded and
nervous, taking off his glasses and putting them on again. It took
him some time to notice that people were looking at them, mostly gay
couples, though also, to his great relief, some girls, mostly from
all-female groups. On any other day he would have been jealous,
annoyed that it was Sasuke again who managed to attract all kinds of
admiring looks, but not today when Sasuke was wearing glasses for the
first time.

“You
see, I kept my promise”, he said. “Girls and gay men
alike are looking at you, admiring your cuteness.”

Sasuke
took off his glasses and looked again at the food. He did not think
that he was being admired, he knew all too well that the men looked
at him because he had looked at them first. Also, he felt
uncomfortable under Naruto's looks.

“You
are cute when you are embarrassed, even without glasses”,
Naruto said.

Sasuke
shook his head. He liked being complimented by Naruto, but he still
was not sure whether he liked being cute. He definitely cared about
how he looked (much more than Naruto, he thought, who still believed
that orange suited him), yet he certainly did not want to look cute,
but cool, most of all when he would fight that Danzou.

Still
Naruto's words brought him in touch with a side of himself he had
forgotten a long time ago. Seeking for words, he tried to explain it
to Naruto:

“I
used to be very cute when I was still a kid”, he began. “A
small kid, I mean, Before my family was murdered. I was just as cute
and happy and innocent as any other child whose parents are still
alive.”

Naruto
had few memories of what Sasuke had been like before the Uchiha
massacre, and besides, being a small child himself, he had not
noticed that other children (or he himself) were cute and innocent.
For him Sasuke had been the boy who already knew everything they were
supposed to learn during their first year, frustrating everyone else,
and who therefore was allowed to keep to himself and practise what he
thought necessary to practise. Never would he just relax and play as
the other boys did when the teacher had told them that they had
succeeded and might do what they wanted.

“I
have a picture in my backpack”, Sasuke said. “Back at
your place. I can show you when we are back.”

“I
can imagine”, Naruto answered, anxious about what might follow,
but also eager to listen.

“Back
in Konoha I often looked at it. It shows the whole family, so I took
it with me when I left.” The other photos are now lost in the
debris of Konoha, he thought. “I always focussed on my parents.
I hated looking at my brother, and would have loved to delete him
from the picture, or at myself. I hated myself for having been too
weak to protect them.”

“But
that's ridiculous”, Naruto interrupted him. “You were
just six or seven years old then. What could you have done?”

“Yeah,
sure, now I know. Back in Konoha I didn't. Then I just hated myself
for being weak. Weak and naive and helpless. I swore to myself never
to be like this again – I wanted to be like my brother, cool
and invincible.”

“And
cruel and merciless”, Naruto said. “You really wanted to
become like him?”

One
day I will have to tell him that it was all a misunderstanding,
Sasuke thought.

“Now
I wish that I might have remained cute and naive for longer”,
he continued without answering to Naruto.

“I
told you, you are still cute”, Naruto said. Not cute but
beautiful in his sadness he thought, much softer and gentler than he
had been at the age of twelve. He wondered what had caused these
changes – killing his brother and completing his revenge,
probably. Again, Itachi's warning that Sasuke might attack Konoha
appeared in his mind: If Sasuke had changed, as he obviously had,
there might also be some changes he could not approve of. They were
still far from having renewed their friendship.

“People
liked me back then”, Sasuke continued his tale. “They did
not admire and secretly hate me. Itachi was the genius then, I was
the cute little child, funny in his attempts to draw level with his
brother, but spoilt by everyone. I did not exploit this, though,
mostly because I did not care about being cute and spoilt; I wanted
to be strong.”

His
father had been the only exception, he remembered. Buried in his
thoughts of how to protect the clan he had only seen Itachi's
strength, but not Sasuke's hopeless efforts to become strong. But he
had loved him too, he had learnt, in his own way, even though he had
not been good at showing his affection.

“My
brother made fun of me because of my ambition, and my mother told me
not to overstrain myself, but they'd also help me become strong.
There was nothing wrong with being cute and weak and small then.”

Naruto
listened and tried to understand – he had no idea what to say.
Sasuke did not seem to mind, he just kept talking. Suddenly however
he interrupted himself.

“I
am sorry. I did not want to hurt you.”

Naruto
was surprised. He had listened, and tried to share Sasuke's sorrow,
but he had not been hurt.

“I
forgot that my stories surely must hurt you. I am sorry.”

“No,
it's okay, they're sad, but I can bear it.” Naruto's confusion
grew.

Sasuke
shook his head. “That's not what I meant. I mean, I have at
least these memories of my early happy years. You don't even have
them.”

Now
he had managed to hurt Naruto.

“Yes.
Sure. I cannot understand. I've never had anyone, and so I am not
able to understand your feelings.”

“What
makes you think so?” Sasuke asked, taken back by Naruto's
sudden bitterness.

“You
said so yourself. When we fought in the Valley of the End.”

“Did
I?” He dimly remembered. He had been crazy with Naruto's
attempts to take him back to Konoha, with Naruto's failure to
understand his need for revenge, his need to gain power and focus on
his most important goal instead of just playing around.

“I
was angry then and wanted to get rid of you. You did not take my
words seriously, did you?”

If
he only knew what exactly he had said then. Something about bonds,
that much he remembered now.

“I
did. I wondered whether I would ever be able to persuade you to
return to Konoha. I thought I had been able to create a bond with
you, but in your eyes it did not count. I was still a monster who had
never known true bonds, and never would know them, and who would
never understand the suffering that is the consequence of losing true
bonds.”

“I
did not mean it”, Sasuke said, who finally remembered his exact
words and felt ashamed. “That was never what I thought. I
always pitied you. I always thought that your sufferings were worse
than mine. I, at least, had my memories.”

Three
years, almost four, Sasuke's words had haunted him. Three years,
almost four, he'd wondered whether he'd ever be able to understand
Sasuke and connect to him.

“I
was talking rubbish in the Valley of the End. I wanted you to let me
go. Maybe I even purposely hurt you. But I did not think you a
monster, incapable of forming bonds.”

He
saw that Naruto was shaken. He reached out to touch and comfort him
in his turn and was glad when Naruto did not withdraw, but he did not
respond to the touch either, he just stayed motionless. “I am
sorry. I did not intend you to worry about my words for years.”

“No,
certainly not”, Naruto replied. “You were intending to
kill me.”

Sasuke
withdrew – now Naruto had managed to hurt him. It served him
right, Naruto thought. Three years, almost four, torturing himself
for his incapacity to understand his friend. A tiny part of him had
even rejoiced within his despair over Jiraiya's death that now,
finally, he would be able to relate to Sasuke, his sorrow and his
desire for revenge, and now it had all been for nothing.

“I
am sorry”, Sasuke repeated. “For hurting you with words
and deeds.”

“It's
okay”, Naruto answered. “Let's go home.”

He
began to pack the leftovers of their food, still feeling all odd and
wobbly from the reversal of all he had thought that Sasuke thought
about him. Had he really just been too foolish to realize that Sasuke
had not meant his words in earnest? Was it that simple, or was there
not more truth in Sasuke's words than Sasuke would admit at the
moment? He would not have pondered them in his heart for several
years if they really had just been rubbish.

“You
may tell me”, he said. “So that I will better be able to
understand you.”

“I
will”, Sasuke answered. “Not now, however.”

A/N:

SneakyFoxThanks again for your compliments to my last chapter, and for my
portrayal of Sakura. I will explore it when the story continues and
try to give her some depth. I agree with what you say about Sakura –
she is a stranger. I would not like it if she had a crazy history too
– I think that there are already too many children without
parents in that manga, and that this some kind of annoying cliché.
But I would like to meet her parents, and learn something about her
parents. I'd like her to have some normal problems, as those of the
other rookies, and a personality with some edges.

kinai26:
Thanks for the overall compliments for my story! :blush:

I
am now a few chapters ahead, mainly because my beta will go on
holidays in a few days, but it was a strain. I cannot write any
longer chapters, or post more than one chapter per week, or I get
worn out. Sorry. :-(

Well,
my story is planned, and I won't tell what plans I have about Sasuke
and Naruto fighting Danzou. For the canon: This was really a
surprise. I would have thought that Danzou's policy was isolation,
not a grasp at world domination.
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The Blessed Realm