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Entropy	By : ersatzbeta Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1332 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor do I profit from writing this or any other fanfiction.

Chapter List
- 19
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Chapter Nineteen
A few days after Sasuke's late-night appearance, Kakashi reached a decision and resolved to speak to Sasuke. Given how tense Sasuke still was and given that the awkward atmosphere in the house had only increased with time, Kakashi was determined to do it that very afternoon. It was a little after lunchtime now, which gave Kakashi some time to prepare himself before facing Sasuke over the dinner table.
The best way Kakashi knew to compose himself was to train for a couple hours. He sweated and strained in the forest, leaping on, around, and off the trees. He kicked up inexcusably large plumes of dust and scared the crap out of a nest of squirrels. He sweated, and it dripped into his good eye no matter how many times he wiped it away. When that eye burned from the salt and dust, he called it a day.
Kakashi stripped out of his uniform and plunged into the stream that bordered the training grounds. True, he could have gone inside and had a real shower, but that would mean he would most definitely run into Sasuke. He wasn�t ready yet and, perhaps, did not want to be ready, no matter that the voice of his conscience demanded he talk to Sasuke right now. The water was bone-chillingly cold, but he stayed in, swam a little and let the stream wear the sharp edges from his thoughts.
Kakashi toweled off with his shirt and, still damp, went into the house to get a fresh change of clothing. Time stretched out as he warmed up and dressed. It went slower and slower as he approached the kitchen--and Sasuke. But then, as he slid into his seat at the table, everything snapped into focus like the minutes just before an S-rank mission's start.
Sasuke put two plates of food down without a word, and Kakashi knew it was too late to back out.
For the first time in recent memory, Kakashi found that he just couldn't swallow what he was trying to eat. He looked at the plate, puzzling over the food. At this moment, he couldn't even rightly say what it was, let alone how it tasted. Kakashi spit the bite discreetly into his napkin. He pushed the food around on his plate to make it look as if he�d eaten. Sasuke didn�t notice--he was doggedly working his way through his dinner. Kakashi assumed that this was Sasuke was making a show of eating; he refused to look in Kakashi's direction or even look up from his plate.
The minutes dragged on. Kakashi's senses worked overtime, sending jolts of adrenaline every time Sasuke moved in his seat, or reached for his glass, or rearranged his chopsticks for the seventeenth time. Sasuke's scent wafted across the table and Kakashi found himself consciously regulating his breathing. He forced himself to act like everything was fine when it was, so very obviously, not. Kakashi realized he was nervous about talking to Sasuke, nervous to a degree he almost never felt.
Sasuke cleared his throat and Kakashi startled in his seat. Though he was too good a ninja to actually jump at the unexpected noise, he had twitched and that was distinctly humiliating. And then he noticed Sasuke was watching him out of the corner of one eye. Kakashi's heart thudded. His mouth went dry. It was time.
When Sasuke reached to clear the table, he intercepted Sasuke�s hand on its way to his plate. Sasuke jerked away as if he�d touched something hot. He refused to look Kakashi in the face.
"Sasuke," said Kakashi. "I'm sorry."
Sasuke leaned back in his seat and laid his hands in his lap. He was doing a decent job of not looking like he was looking at Kakashi, but Kakashi could feel his eyes tracking his every movement. Kakashi sighed.
"I'm sorry, Sasuke," he said. "I didn't realize, at first, how what I'd said had�affected you. I should have put it together sooner, and I didn't. I apologize for that."
Affected was a neutral word choice, wasn't it? Kakashi's skin prickled even as he analyzed his avoidance of the sticky topics. Sasuke was staring at him, face blank. But he wasn't running away, and that was a good sign, Kakashi hoped.
Kakashi took another breath, tried to calm down, stay rational.
�I have conditions, rules,� he said. �I won�t do anything with you if you don�t agree.�
Kakashi forced his tone to be light.
"That is," he said. "Assuming you're still interested."
Sasuke's eyes were sharp on him, far too sharp for Kakashi's comfort. Kakashi's brain whirled and his stomach did horribly creative things. He blundered onward, filling the silence.
�I don�t want you getting the wrong idea," said Kakashi. "I�m not doing this because I like you."
Sasuke's eyes jerked wide before he controlled himself again.

"It's not that I don't like you. I do," said Kakashi. "I care about you and I respect you professionally and as a person."
Kakashi bit the inside of his cheek and scrambled for the least hurtful way to say what he wanted to say. Sasuke clenched his hands, though his frown eased.
"I'm just not interested in dating you," said Kakashi. "I'm not interested in romance or anything like it. Not from anybody."
Kakashi held his breath, expecting an outburst from Sasuke. But none came and so he continued talking, his thoughts trickling out like water seeping through a cracked teapot.
"I don�t have good expectations for this, if we were to do this," Kakashi said. "But I can�t live with this�unrelieved tension that�s been smothering us. If having sex with you will fix it, then I�ll do it.�
�But you don�t like me,� said Sasuke.
Sasuke's gaze was guarded, something indefinable lurking behind his dark eyes and down-turned mouth.
�I don�t have to like you like that in order to have sex with you," said Kakashi. "People who are just friends can have a perfectly great time together."
The sort of easy, warm friendship that lent itself to casual, strings-free sex was not the kind of relationship Sasuke and he already had. Kakashi tried to ignore that flaw in his argument. He hoped Sasuke wouldn't notice it. Restless, Kakashi allowed himself a swallow of water from his glass, just to have something to do.
�So this would be stress relief,� said Sasuke. "If we were to�"
His hands twisted themselves together and he stopped looking at Kakashi.
�Is that a problem?� said Kakashi.
He realized, belatedly, that that rhetorical question was not a question at all. Kakashi had challenged Sasuke, which really wasn't what he had intended. Sasuke was prideful beyond a fault.
�I trust you,� said Sasuke. "Thank you for your honesty."
To Kakashi's trained ear, it sounded like Sasuke had said something else entirely. He tried to joke to himself that Sasuke had been spending too much time with Neji, but the humor fell flat in the face of such seriousness, such intensity from Sasuke. Kakashi re-focused himself and laid out the facts. Sasuke hadn't said no. He hadn't said yes, but he hadn't said no. And he had accepted Kakashi's apology. It was enough.
�If it were to go badly," said Kakashi. "I trust you not to kill me.�
Kakashi matched seriousness for seriousness, and was surprised by Sasuke's reaction. A light came into in Sasuke�s eyes. Not exactly a happy sparkle, but there was a lightening of the gravity in Sasuke�s face, an infinitesimal move away from his usual, saturnine self.

�So�� said Kakashi.
Butterflies in the stomach didn't even scratch the surface of what he felt now. He affected levity.

�Do you want to do it now?� said Kakashi.
Really, he should have expected the plate that came flying at his head. He dodged and it missed.
�I�ll take that as a no,� he said.
He put on a blandly cheerful face.
�We�ll just be spontaneous then,� Kakashi said.
And, before Sasuke could throw anything else at him, or, worse, say anything, he removed himself from the kitchen.
A/N: Okay, so Kakashi's totally got Sasuke over a barrel there. And yes, Kakashi is still being deliberately obtuse when it comes to his own reactions. (I hope he doesn't come off as wildly out of character, given how he's developed over the past eighteen chapters.) I feel marginally evil for leaving you reader-types hanging like this.
I am pleased at how much easier this chapter came together, despite having yet another awkward conversation in it. Not going to lie, I'm feeling all anticipatory and tense after just reading how worked up Kakashi has gotten. Originally, this chapter and chapter twenty were together as one chapter. I split them up after deciding they were better alone, even though chapter twenty takes place directly after this one.
Incidentally, this story--at least, the polished material here--is now just shy of 35,000 words! I applaud those readers who have stuck it out! See you all again the middle of next week.
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Entropy