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Icha Icha Man of Mystery	By : Araneola Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1432 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Jiraiya�s favorite bar was filled with noise even this early
in the afternoon. It also happened to be filled with beautiful, willing women,
which Kakashi figured was most of its appeal, as the paint was yellowed and
peeling and several chairs were missing bits of the legs and back. Sometimes
entire legs were missing and Kakashi made a mental note of their location lest
he be unfortunate enough to sit in one. He had tripped over two loose
floorboards and slid into some unknown substance before Kakashi had appeared at
Jiraiya�s chosen table. Jiraiya had several buxom blondes (who eerily reminded
Kakashi of another full figured, yet very scary, blonde) and was halfway
through his bottle of sake.

�Kakashi! Just the man I wanted to see!� A sake bottle was
thrust in Kakashi�s direction before he could even take a seat. �Ladies, excuse
us, but I must talk with my new research
assistant in private.�

The ladies rose, pouting all the way. Kakashi was seconds
away from revealing his Sharingan to check if this was the real Jiraiya, this man who had just sent away a full flock of
voluptuous females, but was temporarily immobilized by a whispered �I�d love to assist you in your research, Kakashi� and several other giggled
comments about just how they could
assist him in other ways. Jiraiya was the one to snap someone from their
daydreams this time, and Kakashi dropped his happy eye-crinkle to look over at
the Sannin.

�Kakashi, have a seat. I have a� proposition for you that will make you a very, very happy man. But
first, ahem, drinkalotmoresakebeforewetalkaboutit.� Jiraiya finished off his proposition
with a winning grin and passed a shot glass to Kakashi.

�Jiraiya, what exactly is this about? And why do I need to
be drunk to agree to it?� Kakashi was suspicious. He had lived for so long as a
shinobi due to his insight before a battle, whether or not it was with the
enemy or his friends, or with his so-called �eternal rival� whom Jiraiya seemed
to be channeling now.

�Certainly a few harmless drinks wouldn�t cloud the mind of
a ninja as perceptive and intelligent as you, Kakashi? So hip and full of
youthful passion! You must use this fervor to overcome all obstacles! To dance
with the moaning wind! We must drink to our youthful lusts!�� Kakashi grunted in response to Jiraiya�s
batting eyelashes, ridiculous poses, and other various sparkles, knowing full
well that Jiraiya was trying to butter him up for whatever perverted thing he
had come up with. He nonetheless accepted the glass and began to pour the sake,
however.

�Good, good. Now Kakashi,� Jiraiya suddenly became serious
and added a thoughtful chin stroke to highlight his performance, �As my number
one fan you are well aware that the latest Icha, Icha volume has been somewhat�
delayed in coming.�

Kakashi�s ears perked up. Any news about his beloved Icha,
Icha series coming from the author was a very good sign. He�s about to reveal the release date! Another movie premier!
Christmas had come early for the Copy Nin and his eyes were riveted to every
move Jiraiya�s lips were about to make. His sake cup was forgotten halfway on
its trip behind the mask and to his mouth.

�But I have recently been hit with divine, sensual inspiration!� Jiraiya was out of
his chair, eyes watering again at the sight of some unknown heavenly muse,
fists clenched close to his chest. Kakashi began to wonder just how much time
the Sannin had been spending with his �youth and passion� filled counterpart.

�You!� A finger was now pointed in Kakashi�s direction, dangerously
close to poking his one good eye out. It was accompanied by an intense stare.
�You will be my new hero! My Icha, Icha Man of Mystery!�

The sake cup was still hovering midair. Kakashi blinked. Nope, he was still there. �What?�

Jiraiya sat down knowing his target was at least somewhat
intrigued. He had watched Gai lure Kakashi into strange bets after much
intense, passionate hoopla and lots of sake. The sake had yet to be consumed,
but apparently getting Kakashi to accept these challenges was more about
getting the Green Beast to calm down than actual drunkenness. He scooted over
closer to discuss his smutty plot.

�Icha, Icha Man of Mystery is the working title for my new
series. Its hero is a masked ninja whose past is tainted with blood he would
rather forget.� Jiraiya�s voice was low and dramatic. �He hunts down rogue nin
in order clear his name and soothe the memories that haunt his dreams in the
night.� Jiraiya noted his fan�s rapt attention and gave a lecherous smirk
before continuing.

�And as always you can expect a few female characters to be
more than willing to help him forget,
eh?� There was the signature dirty old man eyebrow wiggle, and then Jiraiya
relaxed against his chair to hear the verdict.

Former Icha, Icha plots had been scantily clad at best, even
non existent at some points. The plot behind this next series didn�t bother
Kakashi. He knew no one would really pay attention to it much, anyways. And
knowing Jiraiya, he would exclude the Sharingan and somehow everyone,
experienced ninja and the like, would be oblivious to the fact that the
character was an almost direct representation of Hatake Kakashi. The imagined
reactions were enough to get the Copy Nin a little annoyed. However, the new
books were going to be just as smutty as the rest of them, and that�s all that
really mattered. Kakashi gave his nod of approval, but stopped Jiraiya�s
victory dance short with a question that had been, as of yet, unanswered.

�It�s good news, Jiraiya, but what does this have to do with
me being your new �research assistant�?�

The grin stretched wider on Jiraiya�s face, and Kakashi
swore he saw a fangirl dancing in the flames of lust ignited in the Sannin�s
eyes.

�In return for a quick succession of publishing dates and free copies of the new books�� Jiraiya
practically cackled with the juiciness of this bribe. �� You will agree to conveniently
ignore my presence while wearingtheselittledevicesanddoingeverythingItellyouto�
Jiraiya finished quickly while opening his palm to reveal two small devices,
akin to hearing aids.

Miraculously, the cup of sake had found its way to Kakashi�s
mouth during the offer, and Kakashi reached out to take the devices from
Jiraiya with his freed hand. What harm
could possibly come out of this? Or perhaps more importantly, How many walls is Tsunade going to send me
through when this great plan fails spectacularly? He examined the devices skeptically
and thought of the possible scenarios Jiraiya could put him in. Peeping? Using
henge to snoop around the women�s bath? It�s nothing he hadn�t already done before,
so what was the big deal? Certainly Tsunade would find it within her heart to
forgive him for a few perverted misdemeanors. Besides, if it was for the sake
of Icha, Icha and free Icha, Icha books! He couldn�t possibly refuse.

Kakashi popped one of the harmless gadgets into his left ear
and waited for the electrocution shock to fry his brains out.

He came out of his curious, non-electrocuted stupor to hear
the fwip of hand seals and a mumbled jutsu. Before he could look in Jiraiya�s
direction, the finger that had come close to poking his eye out was now
pressing slightly onto the revealed part of his forehead. It was retracted
almost immediately as Jiraiya once again rose from the table.

Fangirls! Fangirls!
Bea-U-tiful fangirls for me! There was someone singing in Kakashi�s head.
He noticed Jiraiya dancing to the beat of the little tune while giving small
fist pumps of triumph. Kakashi deadpanned, and then quickly recovered to pour
himself another cup of sake.

�Jiraiya.�

The double sound of his name being called, both inside and
outside his head, made Jiraiya spin around towards Kakashi, who was illuminated
by the subtle murderous intent waves pouring off of him. A lone eye stared at
the transgressor.

�Don�t worry Kakashi! Just a top secret jutsu! No harm
done!� A striking pose. A thumbs up sign. And a twinkle added to that grin
spread across Jiraiya�s face.

Kakashi definitely needed more sake. He began to make a
serious dent in the bottle while Jiraiya explained the rest of the idea, Fangirls singing in both their minds all
the while.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The plan was simple. The small gadgets which Kakashi had
reluctantly placed in both ears were actually microphones. A little funny jutsu
here and there and they would be unnoticeable. This way Jiraiya could eavesdrop
on whatever flirtatious encounter Kakashi happened to be having. The forbidden
jutsu was so Jiraiya could give his �research assistant� directions and advice
on how to woo said encounter. Jiraiya would watch Kakashi from a safe distance
to play god, and it would last no more than one month.

Kakashi was currently having an encounter with Shizune at
another (more decent) bar, who happened to drop by with Ino after their
hospital shift, under the instructions from an off-duty Sakura not to let the
girl go home drunk like last time. Despite being the woman closest to the
sake-loving Hokage and having Sakura�s utmost faith, she was quite affected by
even the slightest bit of alcohol, and was already uncontrollably giggling after
a few drinks by the time Kakashi had managed to sit next to her at the bar and
say �Yo�.

Kakashi had to stop and wonder if hitting on Shizune was a
personal fantasy for Jiraiya. He was so fond of threesomes in the books,
certainly he would have imagined this scenario once or thrice in his head? The
evil cackle wailing inside his mind verified that this was very true, and then
added that Kakashi should attend to Shizune before she fell over in her chair.

He looked over to see Shizune leaning over his shoulder,
deeply inhaling his vest like a cat to catnip. �You smell so gooooooood,
Kak-hic-shi� mmmm� like�. mmmm� something reallllly good.� She giggled,
hiccupped, and had then latched onto his right arm and smothered her face in
the fabric. Kakashi promptly righted her on her stool with Jiraiya screaming
something about small talk in his head.

�Are you feeling okay, Shizune? You look a little� uh,
different tonight.� He gave her an eye crease, hoping that she was drunk enough
so this wouldn�t be awkward.

Her eyes snapped open a little wider, while her fingers went
to fuss with the end strands of her hair. �I�m fine, just a long day at work.
Is my hair okay?� She sloppily threw her hands about her head, doing more harm
than good for her frazzled look. She had looked away from Kakashi in a
distraught moment, attempting to find something that would give her reflection
back.

�You look beautiful.� He felt guilty. This is precisely why
he stayed away from Konoha girls. She is
drunk and harmless. I am a sex god. She has no power to resist me.

Somewhere in the loopholes of his mind there was snorting.
Jiraiya couldn�t possibly keep quiet with all that ego running around in
Kakashi�s brain. Kakashi thought back that his snorting sounded peculiarly like
Naruto laughing with ramen in his mouth.

Before the mental bickering could continue, Shizune had
perked up and was blushing at Kakashi.

�You think so? All the old men say that when they�re getting
their annual physicals but they�re just old men so I didn�t know�. but� well,
you know� and��

She was trailing off and blushing more when suddenly the
full danger of having Jiraiya in Kakashi�s head was realized.

Would you like to give
me a physical examination?

�Would you like to give me a physical examination?� It came
out as suggestively as if Kakashi had been thinking it in his own head to
himself. Jiraiya�s dirty thought had come out of his mouth and now Kakashi was
going to pay for the full extent of damage it might cause to his reputation
with the ladies. Jiraiya�s thought process was a blur as another �divine muse�
had struck him and proffered no way for Kakashi to worm his way out of the
grave dug specifically for him.

Shizune started to giggle again. �You sound just like Genma!�
A light swat came at Kakashi�s arm and Shizune began another giggle parade.
Relief flooded Kakashi�s tensed muscles and was tempted to laugh along with
her.

�Who sounds just like me?�

Shit.

Kakashi turned around to watch Genma stroll over to their
position at the bar. Laid back, beer in one hand, senbon in his mouth� Kakashi
couldn�t remember seeing him in any other position for the last six months.

�Shizune baby!� Her eyes lit up when she recognized Genma
and she reached out her arms as she returned his greeting with a high pitched
�Genma!�

Apparently there was something going on between those two
that Kakashi hadn�t previously known about and he was promptly forgotten as
Genma tackled her lips, senbon still in place.

How does he even
manage that? He shook his head at the
very public display of affection.

Practice. It was
the only answer he got out of the Sannin in his head.

Kakashi turned to walk out of the bar, receiving no other
instructions, and bumped into something rather squishy before there was a low
sensual voice in his ear that definitely did not belong to Jiraiya.

�Want to make them jealous, Ka-ka-shi?�

She drew out his name as he reached over and drew out some
silky blonde strands that could belong to no other kunoichi in Konoha.
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Icha Icha Man of Mystery