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Entropy	By : ersatzbeta Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1333 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor do I profit from writing this or any other fanfiction.

Chapter List
- 18
- 19
- 20
Author's Note: Hopefully this chapter will help clear up Kaakshi's motivations... (Though I'm also fairly certain that it also muddies the waters a little. I'll do a bit more talking about it after the chapter, okay?)

Chapter Eighteen
Sasuke was scrupulous about keeping his distance the following day. Kakashi breathed a little easier when Sasuke didn�t brush up against him en route to the bathroom that morning. He didn't try harder than usual to grapple Kakashi to the ground during a sparring session, either. Hell, Sasuke barely even looked at him. Kakashi thought that this was an improvement, that Sasuke had taken their chat to heart but, when Neji called on Sasuke three days after the confrontation, Sasuke refused to leave his room. Neji gave Kakashi a dirty look, but Kakashi shrugged it off. Sasuke would get over it, wouldn't he?
Almost a week later, Sasuke was still walking on eggshells. Intent upon getting out of the tense, unhappy atmosphere in the house, Kakashi was out at the tea shop he'd discovered last winter. He placed his order and tried to figure out what had gone wrong.
Sasuke didn't seem to be angry, but he was at a low ebb. He almost seemed sad, which was not how someone interested in just a bit of casual sex would be acting after getting turned down. And then Kakashi grasped just how badly he'd screwed up, how badly he'd misjudged the situation. Sasuke had been pushing him for things he didn't even know Sasuke had wanted, and sex was only the beginning. He raised his teacup to his lips absently. The tea had gone cold.
Kakashi had had all the clues and he hadn't put them together. For a man who prided himself on seeing underneath the underneath, he'd done a terrible job divining Sasuke's motives. He freshened his tea and drank it lukewarm, wished it was something stronger than tea. How Sasuke had behaved during his illness that time; how he'd kept a tighter eye on Kakashi afterward; how he'd agreed to go to the memorial even though he hadn't wanted to; and Sasuke's trying to get physically closer to him were all signs of the same thing. Kakashi had mistaken them for separate issues.
He put his cup down and slid it back and forth on the table, considering. Kakashi needed to apologize to Sasuke. Not for feeling the way he did--he wasn't about to say he was sorry for that-- but for his utter lack of perception. What had seemed like an impartial and firm talking-to to him had probably come off calculated and cold and cruel to Sasuke. Kakashi didn't do apologies. He didn't make the kinds of overtures that this would involve, and he didn't think he could apologize without talking about feelings: his as well as Sasuke's. Kakashi shifted uncomfortably in his chair. But he would have to make that apology. This was exactly the sort of thing that could pull the legs out from under Sasuke and ruin all the progress he'd made. Deep inside, Kakashi knew that it was the right thing to do. He'd hurt Sasuke, and that had come back and hurt Kakashi, much more than he might have previously guessed, if he'd ever bothered to think about such a thing.
Kakashi sighed and poured another cup of tea. He wasn't blind, wasn't immune to Sasuke's physical charms--and Sasuke had, admittedly, many. Kakashi genuinely enjoyed his company most of the time, and living together was easy in ways he'd hadn't anticipated. But, all the same, attractiveness plus proximity didn't equal sex. Kakashi had rules of engagement for that sort of situation, and none of them were in favor of having sex with the man he was supposed to be looking out for, a man who already evidenced strong feelings for Kakashi, a man who, should things go poorly, would probably kill or maim him and then go rogue.
He eyed his cooling tea with distaste.
And that was when Kakashi realized he was contemplating having sex with Sasuke. Chagrinned, Kakashi buried his face in his hands. He had to try and patch things up, somehow, couldn't just leave things with Sasuke as they were. Once things were going smoothly again, who knew? After all, changing one's mind wasn't just a woman's prerogative, no matter how the saying went. But first�first would have to come the apology. Kakashi got up, paid his bill, and left the shop.
Before long, Sasuke started to slide back into his old habits. A too-long glance here, a brush of the fingers while passing a teacup. Kakashi didn't say anything. He tried to justify it to himself and failed. It hadn't been okay for Sasuke to do what he was doing when Kakashi hadn't realized what was really happening. Now that he did know, it was suddenly okay-ish even after he'd explained his disinterest in becoming part of Sasuke's sex life. The way he dwelled on this fallacy of an argument wasn't like him at all. It wasn't rational, wasn't logical, wasn't any of the things Kakashi considered himself to be. He knew that his professed non-interest was, at least in part, a lie now. It bothered him that he couldn't take back what he'd said.
Kakashi tried to tell himself that it was for Sasuke's benefit that he continued to allow Sasuke to�express himself like this. He reasoned to himself that this could be part of his as-yet unsaid apology, that whether he liked Sasuke's behavior or not was immaterial. And so he did nothing to stop Sasuke, and Sasuke wormed further and further into Kakashi's personal life one day at a time.
Kakashi woke up suddenly one night, not long after he�d come home to bed from visiting a rather friendly kunoichi. Sasuke stood over him, arms crossed, framed in the light coming in from the hallway. He frowned down at Kakashi in the gloom. He didn�t look happy. Kakashi noted Sasuke had made it through the seals and traps around the door unscathed.
�What?� said Kakashi.
He was secretly relieved that he had fallen asleep with his mask on tonight.
�I�d kill her if I knew who she was,� said Sasuke.
Well. Sasuke never was one to pull his punches. He was serious about it, too, if the Sharingan swirling in his eyes were anything to judge by. Kakashi hoped he wouldn't need the kunai tucked underneath the corner of the mattress--he wasn't sure he would be able to get it clear fast enough for his liking.
�She wouldn�t give you much of a challenge," said Kakashi. "And besides. I didn�t take you for the jealous type.�

If those words hadn't told Sasuke that Kakashi had figured out what was really going on, then he would eat his hitai-ate. Kakashi gave a partly-fake yawn and sat up.
�I�m not jealous,� said Sasuke.
Deep lines formed at the corners of Sasuke's mouth. His Sharingan slowed to a stop.
�I did tell you I wasn't interested,� said Kakashi.
He winced on the inside. Way to go, needling Sasuke like that when he was already on the edge. Kakashi supposed the silver lining was that he couldn't make this conversation worse.
�It�s�That�s not what I want,� said Sasuke.
He turned his face away from Kakashi.
�You�ve been doing a lot of looking and touching for someone who doesn�t want �that� as you put it,� said Kakashi.
Oh, he had a gift for putting his foot in his mouth tonight, and, apparently, the conversation could indeed go further south. Kakashi carefully pulled the covers back and swung his legs over the side of the bed.
�I just�you don�t want me to� but I need to know,� said Sasuke.
Sasuke studied the floor beneath his feet. Kakashi sighed. Confused didn't even begin to cover Sasuke. But he was trying to explain, and that was something.
�You don�t want to seduce me,� said Kakashi. "Right?"
Sasuke nodded, and Kakashi caught the telltale signs of lying in his body language.
�And you don�t want me to seduce you,� said Kakashi.
Sasuke nodded again, a blush creeping over his skin. Desperately, Kakashi tried to distance himself from the conversation. This was more than he needed to know, really it was. He wondered briefly if he ought to tell Sasuke, at some later, safer date, how terrible a liar he was.
Kakashi hunted for the best words to use next, framed his question carefully. This conversation was a train wreck and he couldn't put on the brakes. He steeled himself before he spoke.

"You're not inexperienced, are you?" said Kakashi.
�No. But why would you�?� said Sasuke. "And why would that matter, anyway?"
Sasuke looked offended. His coloring deepened. Now that, Kakashi discerned, was the truth. He felt no small relief at learning it, though it didn't detract from the sheer awfulness of having to ask in the first place.
�So then you�re shy,� said Kakashi.
Sasuke turned bright red. Bingo.
�I�m not shy!" said Sasuke. "I�m not some delicate girl.�
�But you�re nervous," said Kakashi. "About sex. And you want to do it with me.�
�I already told you it�s not about that,� said Sasuke.
He paced a bit, walking on the same floorboard over and over.
�It�s just that," said Sasuke. "You never said a word about when we moved and� my stuff. Or when I was sick. I know you heard me.�
Sasuke looked at Kakashi only briefly before returning his eyes to the floor. The Sharingan was gone from his eyes, though he held his arms tightly against his clothing.
Kakashi said nothing as he waited. He wanted Sasuke to say what was on his mind, He could tell from the way Sasuke was clenching and unclenching his jaw that he would.
�I trust you,� said Sasuke. "Even in this."
He hesitated for a second, feet shifting on the floor. Sasuke opened his mouth to speak again, but changed his mind, shaking his head and fleeing the room as quickly as he could.
Kakashi lay back on the bed, stunned. Sasuke had told him a lot tonight and, if Kakashi could hazard a guess, had almost said out loud the thing he'd been dancing around for some time now. Kakashi breathed a sigh. He could barely handle Sasuke as he was now, let alone a Sasuke who confessed�
Kakashi cringed at the thought, unable to complete the sentence even in his head. It didn't make sense, any of it. Not Sasuke's feelings for him, not this confrontation in the middle of the night. None of it was the least bit logical. He was no closer to resolving the problems between the two of them than he had been before. And he still hadn't made an apology.
Yawning so wide his ears popped, Kakashi pulled the covers over himself. All this would have to keep until later. He watched as the grey of predawn stole over the world outside his window. Kakashi closed his eyes, head still awash with ideas, and waited for sleep to come.
A/N: Again, a chapter of great awkwardness, both in content and in writing it at all. I'm having a really hard time adapting the original material to fit the newer, slightly softer direction the story has evolved. (My original Kakashi for these chapters was a bazillion times harder on Sasuke, for one.)
Okay. So that we're all on the same page: Kakashi wasn't intentionally injuring Sasuke's tender feelings last chapter. Kakashi really didn't see what was going on, mostly because he wasn't expecting that sort of interest from Sasuke. (To put it another way, he didn't realize it was a big deal, so he didn't treat it as such.) Once he's figured it out though, he feels bad about it. And now that Kakashi knows what he knows, it sort of...frees him up to explore possibilities he'd not before considered, regarding Sasuke.
I've tried to make Kakashi's motivations more transparent in this chapter, and I'm not sure that I've succeeded. (Or maybe I've gone too far and made it too easy to get?) It's especially hard where Kakashi is skirting the edge of the unreliable narrator: he's not going to be one hundred percent straight up about why he's doing things or what he's feeling. He's having a hard time facing up to the things he's just discovered/the things he's now letting himself feel. I always got the impression that Kakashi is a slippery guy when it comes to facing hard truths about himself, though he may be baldly honest about everything else.

Thanks for reading. See you for the weekend update!
- 18
- 19
- 20
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Entropy