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Entropy	By : ersatzbeta Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1332 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor do I profit from writing this or any other fanfiction.

Chapter List
- 17
- 18
- 19
Chapter Seventeen
It was November again, a rainy, raw Tuesday. Kakashi sat on the porch, teacup in hand. He looked out into the woods and caught occasional glimpses of Sasuke as he roamed the training grounds. Even after a year of living together in the house, Kakashi was still surprised that Sasuke had stayed. He could have run off at any point and he hadn�t, even though he was perfectly capable, trained, and conditioned for just such an action. Sasuke displayed perfect form as he ran up one tree and vaulted to the next. It would have been quite easy for him to defect.
Kakashi wasn�t sure what he thought about this; he was disconcerted and yet pleased at the same time, no matter Sasuke�s rationale. Despite his duty, Kakashi didn�t think he would have reported it if Sasuke had left. There was no question that he would not be given another chance. Kakashi frowned and shifted his legs, stretching them out.
What it boiled down to was this: he didn�t want to betray the trust Sasuke showed him. They lived their lives in tandem, and Kakashi rather liked it that way, wanted to keep it more or less the same for the foreseeable future. He didn�t want Sasuke to die, even at his most intractable, angry, and homicidal. Sipping his tea, Kakashi smiled as he remembered a few spectacular disagreements they�d had. Sasuke had been quite lively and, above all, Kakashi wanted Sasuke to keep on living.
He was selfish at heart, really. Kakashi didn�t want to give anything else up in his life, not when there was so little there to start. He didn�t do missions anymore, didn�t teach genin, and rarely advised the Hokage. Even though he was still on the books for his �keep Sasuke sane� job, it was not hard to do. Kakashi lay back on the wide boards of the porch and watched his breath condense into white clouds above him.
He had found an unexpected harmony in their life together. And really it was a nice life, a good one. A little dull, at times, but Sasuke�s sporadic attempts on his person broke the boredom. Kunai whistled through the air and Kakashi sat up again. He knew, just from the sound of the throws, that it was Sasuke, and Kakashi knew equally well that he was only doing practice throws. The kunai could have been miles away for all the danger they posed. How Kakashi lived now was a world apart from the life he�d cultivated over his two-plus decades of service to the village.
Although he was an excellent ninja and had even enjoyed the work at times when the adrenaline flowed through his body like quicksilver, Kakashi discovered that he didn�t miss being out in the field covered in mud He didn�t miss getting snowed on, or fleeing enemy nin while wounded. The rain poured down from the sky and Kakashi sat, dry, with great satisfaction. He didn�t miss the smell of burning bodies clogging his nose. He didn�t miss recuperating in a hospital or making do with a sloppy field dressing until he could see a medic. Kakashi liked that he had a consistent roof over his head and food that wasn�t burned, cold, or gone off.
Kakashi watched birds flying up over the trees; Sasuke was moving west, further into the forest. With Sasuke around his hard earned skills didn�t dull, and he liked to think he was fostering the village�s well-being by not letting Sasuke raze it to the ground again�not that it looked like that was going to happen any time soon. Kakashi felt brief pity of the lone ANBU agent following Sasuke. It was a boring job these days, what with Sasuke�s stretches of quiescence growing longer and longer between outbursts, which were getting more and more manageable.
Still, the peaceful days had become less smooth of late. Sasuke had been giving him odd looks. Kakashi had gotten better at reading him over time, but these glances were nowhere in his lexicon. He had been thinking it over, stacked the glances and asides up and sorting through them over the past few weeks. And then, without warning, it came together as he sat there on the porch. It hit him and sank home like a kunai to the gut.
Kakashi dropped his teacup in the midst of bringing it to his lips. It shattered all over the floor before his reflexes kicked in. He made a fruitless, far-too-late grab for empty air. It couldn�t be. Sasuke� Kakashi double checked his train of thought, ran through the clues again at light speed. He remembered the way Sasuke had acted just an hour or two earlier. Sasuke had announced he was going to train but, when Kakashi had come out onto the porch, Sasuke had turned to face him as he stretched. His cheeks had been pink in the cold. His clothing had clung in the constant drizzle, and his hair had stuck to his face, had made Kakashi want to brush it back. But he�d said nothing--done nothing--and Sasuke had gone off. Kakashi felt like an idiot. He had seen the signs, but he�d chosen not to accept and acknowledge them. Sasuke would get over this, wouldn�t he? Kakashi went inside for the broom, feeling the need to clean up his mess.
He swept the broken pottery back and forth over the floor. He wondered what he should have done differently. When Sasuke had begun edging into Kakashi�s personal space too frequently for coincidence, he had been divided about what to do. Ignoring Sasuke hadn�t worked. He could have gotten direct and physical about keeping his distance the next time it happened, but that might have sparked a fight. It probably wouldn�t have solved the problem, either. Kakashi could have confronted him, but Sasuke wasn�t much for talking even when he was being well behaved.
Now that things were what they were, Kakashi could just let him do what he wanted, though he didn�t think it was a particularly smart course of action. For one, it was a lot like what he�d already (not) done. Kakashi froze with the broom in hand. Maybe, just maybe he did like the notion of giving in to Sasuke, which was an exactly why it would be bad to follow through on that thought. Kakashi swept the broken cup into the dustpan and set it aside.
Sasuke was dangerous. Kakashi sighed, a headache coming on as he thought about it. Sasuke had grown over the years from a short, broody preteen into a lean, broody, and incredibly strong and graceful man. As a teenager he�d been somewhere between, more fragile, his full potential still hidden. Not that Kakashi had seen much of him then. But now, there was a certain maturity to him, shown in the fine bones of his face, the sweep of his shoulders and the strong, knotted tendons in his hands. Kakashi swung his legs over the side of the porch.
Sasuke might not have been very tall, but he was well appointed. Their constant sparring and training brought density to his muscles and made his body into a sharply honed weapon, especially in comparison to when he had first been remanded to Kakashi�s care. Kakashi shook his head and tried to clear it. He took a book out of his pocket and attempted to settle enough to read. He focused hard on the page. His mind still wandered.
Despite all the history and observation between them, the negotiation and obligation, Kakashi was taken aback by Sasuke�s seemingly sudden interest in him. He wanted to keep turning a blind eye to it, but when Sasuke was accidentally-on-purpose brushing against him--or touching his fingers while handing over a dish or raking him with his eyes in the middle of a sparring session or any one of a thousand different things he did-- Kakashi couldn�t put it all aside.
He sighed again. If there was one thing he�d learned, it was that Sasuke didn�t ask for things he wanted or needed. He took what he required, or thought he required, and left the asking and the gratitude behind. Kakashi had come to accept that Sasuke just didn�t see the point in pleasantries. He would drink the last of the milk and not say anything, let alone put it on the shopping list or replace it. He took kunai and never brought them back. Sasuke would wear all his clean clothing and just start using Kakashi�s spares. Kakashi swallowed hard and redirected his thoughts away from the other man wearing his shirts, the basic blacks contrasting sharply with his skin.
Sasuke seemed to take it for granted that adults did their own laundry, shopped for food, and did not practice with explosive tags in the living room. Kakashi suspected Sasuke often didn�t realize that he had made social blunders, though Neji seemed to have no compunctions about schooling him in courtesy. Most of the time though, Kakashi knew, downright knew, that Sasuke was aware of his behavior and was doing it on purpose. Kakashi drummed his fingers on the porch. It still was surprising to him that Sasuke and Neji got along so well. He turned a page in the book.
Kakashi himself didn�t have a lot of friends, though he�d gained a few over the spring and summer months. He had even fewer intimate affairs, and he certainly had less than Sasuke seemed to think. Kakashi didn�t know how or if Sasuke knew that he had both male and female partners, but it was trying to have him constantly pushing closer and then acting like he�d done nothing at all. Kakashi was sick of it. He put down the book and looked around.
Maybe he would feel better about all of it if he weren�t so obviously waiting for Sasuke to finish training and come home. The rain was still coming down hard. Brooding so much on such a gloomy day wasn�t helping either, he was sure. Decided, Kakashi stood and stretched, and, as he rounded on one heel to go inside, he considered the dustpan and broom. He abandoned them where they lay on the porch.
That evening, hours after Sasuke had returned from the forest, Kakashi caught him red-handed, doing exactly the sort of thing Kakashi had been ruminating about earlier. He suddenly found himself snapping and, that very instant and without thinking it over, he confronted Sasuke.
�What do you think you�re doing?� Kakashi said.
He kept his voice as level as he could and forced his face to remain lax. The answer, of course, was that Sasuke was deliberately crowding him in the upstairs hallway so that they would be forced to touch when they passed each other. Sasuke frowned.
�I don�t know what you�re talking about,� he said.
Sasuke�s face took on its most stubborn lines, but he did stop edging towards the center of the hall. Kakashi thought this was an improvement until Sasuke put his back to the wall and stood in a position that was undoubtedly calculated to take up as much room as possible.
Kakashi sighed, breath exiting harshly through his nose. Time for the direct approach.
�I�m not going to have sex with you,� said Kakashi.
Sasuke stiffened and his frown grew deeper. Kakashi continued to look as bored as possible, though his insides were swooping and diving, chasing after feelings he did not want to name.
�I don�t want to have you touching me when we meet in the hall,� Kakashi said. �Or any of the rest of it. I know you know exactly what I mean.�
He let his irritation show now. Sasuke stared back, sullen. Kakashi could see Sasuke�s arms twitching as he fought not to cross them.
�You don�t know what you�re asking of me,� said Kakashi. �Even if you did, I wouldn�t.�

Kakashi�s eye pinned Sasuke to the wall.
�This sort of thing can�t be taken like kunai or a spare shirt,� said Kakashi. �If you weren�t so selfish, so immature as to think it could be, we wouldn�t be having this little chat in the first place.�
Really it was more of a monologue. Sasuke hadn�t said much, though he had, almost imperceptibly, cringed. Kakashi felt relieved when he saw that slight slackening in Sasuke�s shoulders. At least something in this conversation had struck the young man, though he couldn�t rightly say what had resonated.
�Well?� said Kakashi.
He stared Sasuke down, waiting for a response. Kakashi wished, vaguely, that Sasuke�s frown and balled-up fists were more clearly signs that this confrontation was going well. Sasuke unfolded from the wall and stood.
�Fine,� said Sasuke.
And with that, he left, carefully keeping six inches between their bodies as he passed Kakashi.
The knots in Kakashi�s stomach didn�t dissipate for a long, long time afterward. He didn�t see Sasuke for the rest of the night.
A/N: Now that is an awkward conversation to have to have. This chapter was...difficult to edit, mostly because I ended up combining seventeen and eighteen's materials. I felt they really didn't stand on their own like I had originally hoped they would. (Also I cut a lot of stuff out.) What made it even worse to work with was that the first eighty-ish percent of it was expository narrative. It was difficult to find good places to work in what was going on in the story's present, given that so much of the chapter is just Kakashi hanging around and thinking. There are probably still a lot of rough patches, but I want to tear out my hair over it already, I've been so dissatisfied. I am throwing in the towel.
I hope that, up until now, you have noticed the clues here and there about Kakashi's not-so-custodial motivations regarding Sasuke. (Truthfully, he's being kind of a hypocrite in this chapter.) But...Kakashi's doing fairly well to finally face up to any of it, I think. He won't be a dunderhead forever, I promise.
See you again for the midweek update!
- 17
- 18
- 19
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Entropy