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The Canalized River	By : susanna Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 944 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
A/N
and answers to reviews at the
end of the chapter

Chapter
Seventeen: Just a Dream

Naruto
tried to be silent when he packed his backpack: he did not even turn
on the light. He managed not to rouse Kiba or Shino when he left the
room, he went down the stairs with only some minor cracking, he was
not noticed when he snubbed some food from the kitchen. He had a bit
of a bad conscience about it, but he quieted it by leaving some money
on the table.

Having
stucked away the food in his backpack he returned to the inn's main
room and prepared himself to go – he had thought that this
would be easy, just stepping outside and shutting the door behind
him, but it was not. If he left now, he would not be able to return,
and faced with this final decision he was hesitating.

He
neither heard nor saw Sakura until it was too late. She must have had
hidden herself in the shadows, waiting for the best moment, and only
stepped into the light of the doorway when he was ready to leave. She
must have sensed him, just as she had sensed Sasuke three years ago.

“Where
are you going?” she asked.

“Leaving.”

“Don't
do that to me!” she said. “I don't want to lose you as
well.”

He
knew what she was referring to, and he was a bit jealous, but not
much.

“I
can't stay”, he said, shaking his head. “I cannot go on
like that. I am killing my soul if I remain with the team, following
orders, not doing what my hearts longs to do.”

“You
are a ninja”, she said.

“This
does not mean that I don't have any emotions.”

“You
have to put them aside while you are on duty.”

“Maybe.
Maybe this what is asked of you and of all the others. But I am asked
to put them aside all the time, not only while I am on duty.”

Because
I am the jinchuuriki, he thought. Because I can be overcome by the
kyuubi any moment if I don't keep my feelings in check. I am not a
normal human being who may listen to his feelings and look for
personal happiness when he is off duty. I am the demon vessel who
always will have to put his own wishes behind, because his first
priority has to be keeping the kyuubi under control.

“You
are going to look for Sasuke”, Sakura said.

“What
else?”

“Don't!
He's not real. He's a dream.”

“He
is as real and alive as we are.”

“Maybe
he is. But that's not the Sasuke you are dreaming of. The Sasuke of
your dreams, and the real Sasuke are probably two completely
different persons. Don't you remember what he was like when we met
him in Orochimaru's lair? How he played with your feelings, how he
even attempted to kill you?”

“He
did not. He just threatened to do it, so that we would leave him
alone.”

He
was not sure whether this was true but he would not admit it.

“And
still he wanted to be rid of us, caring only about his revenge. Stay
with me, Naruto! I am not a dream! I really care for you!”

“I
know”, he said.

“I
want you to stay alive. I don't want you to throw away your life!”

“It's
not enough”, he replied. “I cannot go on being nothing
more than the demon vessel. It's like being crippled. I long to be a
human being like everyone else, with a soul, and a heart, and
emotions.”

“You
are not crippled”, she said. “And even if you are, you
still have emotions.”

“That's
the point.”

“What
will you do when you meet Sasuke and realize that you have been
chasing a dream? When he makes fun of you and again rejects you? What
then? Will you try to return? Or stay on your own?”

“I
don't know. I only know that even if he's nothing but a dream I have
to follow the dream. Even if he's a dream, I cannot give up on him,
because this dream is rooted in the innermost part of my soul –
that's where my love for him is alive. To tear it out would mean to
destroy that part of myself, and I cannot do this.”

“But
what will you do when you find out that he is not that dream? What
when you find him and he's still cold as ice, rejecting you, thinking
of nothing but of his revenge?”

Naruto
thought a bit. Of course he could have answered: He's not like that,
I know it in my heart! as he usually did, but this time he decided
against it.

“It
does not matter”, he said. “The dream matters. I want to
find out whether the real Sasuke still has anything in common with my
dream, but if he does not, then I will still have my dream.” He
paused to think. “How he treated me as a fellow human being
from the very beginning of our time as Team Seven, though I did
nothing to deserve it, how he saved my life, how he taught me to
fight for the people I care for.”

There
was more which he decided not tell Sakura: Sasuke's independent
spirit, his courage to follow his own path, and in the consequence
to face loneliness – all what he had detested when Sasuke left
Konoha.

“It's
the dream that counts. If Sasuke happens to be like that dream, I
will stay with him.”

Sakura
stood silent. “Good luck, Naruto”, she finally said,
embracing him awkwardly. “I hope we'll meet again.”

A/N:
I realize that Naruto's senseis come off worse than I intended them
to be.

Most
of all, I did not intend them to purposely hide from Naruto the fact
that Sasuke stepped in. They don't know themselves – they were
too far away when it happened. (And even if the Jounin decided not to
tell Naruto, how could Sakura remain silent?)

Well,
my beta told me that the fights were a bit unclear, and though I
tried to put some more information into chapter fifteen, I realize
now that it was not enough.

Spoon:
Thanks for your comments! I have come to rely on them! Soon your
patience will be rewarded!

Chevonne:
Thanks for your compliments! At the moment everyone is getting upset,
and I fear that I overdid.

As
for your last question – well, I won't give away the ending of
my story.

Halskr:
Thanks a lot for your
compliments! They mean a lot to me.

As for sacrificing himself for
his clan: For his revenge Sasuke has given up all thoughts about
personal happiness.

Sasuke claims that he did not
consider himself one of the good guys – he is not one of those
who take it for granted that they are better than others. Suigetsu
reminds him that he does think himself a better person than
Itachi.

Spoiler
warning for the rest of the answer (don't read if you have not
chapter 386 of the manga!)

As for the rest: I know not from
my own experience, but from a lot of my acquaintances that it is
indeed difficult to accept that one of your close relatives is an
evil person. (And I ran into a lot of difficulties when I in my
naivety thought that these persons must agree to my judgement.) Only
one of my friends is very clear about her parents never having loved
her.

As for the questions you name:
They are all understandable, and some of them have already been asked
by Sasuke, or Itachi has answered them by himself: „I killed
them all because I wanted to measure my capacity. I only acted the
caring brother.“

(What I would want to know if I
were in Sasuke's place is whether there was a moment when things
changed, so that before that point Itachi's caring for him was not a fake. I always think that it happened when Itachi entered ANBU.)

It is hard to accept that the
true answer to all these questions is: „I never cared for you,
nor for anyone else, I only care for myself and my only wish is
power, and I won't hesitate to hurt or even kill other people if this
advances my wish for power.“

There is still the hope that
there might be something beneath it, or behind it: That he had a good
reason for killing his clan, or that he loved Sasuke and therefore
let him live. (That's what a lot of the fans think, or thought, at least before the recent revelations.)

From
the beginning of the story Sasuke has been exceptionably
clear-sighted. He tells in chapter 385 that he first thought that it
must have been a genjutsu but that then he knew that it was true.
Also he never doubts that Itachi is an evil guy and deserves to be
killed for what he did – he does not want to „understand“,
and even when he asks about Itachi's helper it is only because he
wants to kill him too.
- 16
- 17
- 18
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The Canalized River