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Love Me When I'm Gone	By : KittenCobra Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1971 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

Chapter List
- 15
- 16
- 17
16. Babies
He looks down at me again, and the greedy grin spreads across his face. He kisses me for a long time, and I quiver in delight with the way our bodies are still connected. Thank God I don’t have to worry about birth control, I think a little belatedly. It never even crossed my mind. He pulls away from me slowly, and I try not to wince. He glances down, and freezes above me at the sight of my blood. He looks into my eyes, horrified.
“I hurt you,” he says, backing completely off of the bed.
“No,” I try to soothe him. God… how do I explain this?… but his face turns angry.
“Don’t lie to me,” he says in a threatening tone. “You’re bleeding. You said you would never lie to me about pain.”
“Please, Gaara. Let me explain,” I beg.
He narrows his eyes at me, and sits on the edge of the bed away from me with his arms folded.
“Yes, I am bleeding,” I start, and take a deep breath to steady myself. “And yes, it hurt – but only for a short time. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this would happen. I should have. I knew it would. I was selfish, because I didn’t want you to worry about it and act differently than you did. You gave me great pleasure, Gaara. A pleasure I would very much like to share again.”
He looks torn between being horrified and angry. “Will it hurt you like this every time?”
“No,” I try to make my voice firm. “It is only like this the first time.”
“Why?” he demands. “Explain.”
Oh wonderful… Kankuro I should kick your ass for not telling him this!
“Umm…” I start, and fumble trying to sit up, pulling the sheet across my bare body. “A woman’s body has a small barrier that grows within her. It… God how do I say this?... it serves as a protective guard over the inner part of her where her child would grow. The first time she has sex, the man tears that barrier away when he enters her body. It hurts, and it bleeds, because it is actually like a small wound. It never grows back. Once removed, the area heals just like any other wound… and most women would then be able to conceive children.”
“Most women?” His eyes are narrowed at me.
“Yes,” I hang my head, and pull the sheet closer to me. “I’m sorry, but that’s something I cannot give you Gaara. I cannot have children.”
“Explain.”
You ass! I am so angry with him I could slap him, but it’s not fair of me. He doesn’t know how much this topic hurts.
“I…” my voice starts to tremble, but I will try to explain. “I don’t really know why. My body didn’t grow right. I cannot have children, because I do not grow the… seeds they need to start from. On the surface, my body functions just like any other woman, but it’s a lie. My body simply… can’t.” My voice breaks, and there are fresh tears running down my face.
He is quiet and solemn for a long time, just staring at me. I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to scream at him. I want to cry for what I can’t have – beautiful jade-eyed babies with Gaara’s unruly hair. I shut my eyes tight, and choke back a sob. Suddenly I feel his weight settle beside me again, and his fingers brush my cheeks.
“Don’t cry.” His voice is low and smooth in the dark. “This is a good thing.”
I laugh without humor, and turn my eyes away. He grabs my chin, and turns me back to meet his eyes. “I cannot have children either,” he explains.
I blink at him, not comprehending what on Earth he is talking about.
“Well… I suppose I can… but I won’t.” He looks mildly bitter, and casts his eyes to the sheets.
“What?” I ask, completely bewildered. “Why not?”
“Any woman who bears a child of mine will die,” he says with pain etched on his features. “She would be able to carry them, but their birth would require her life. I should be honest with you. Temari knows of my fear. She told me that you cannot have children. I was happy when I learned this. It means you will be safe. I cannot harm you.”
I feel shock running through my nerve endings… What is he talking about? He said his own mother died… does he think it was because of him? I can’t even bring myself to be angry.
“Gaara,” I start, unsure of how to ask him. “Why do you think that the mother of your child will die? Women die in childbirth all the time, but there’s no hard and fast rule about it. It’s kind of a random thing. Just because it happens to one woman, doesn’t mean it will happen to another.”
“No,” he says, more solemn than before. “For me it is guaranteed. Shukaku used to torment me with it years ago.” My eyes are wide now, trying to understand.
“Do you…,” I ask, unsure if I really want to do this. “Do you think you could remember? Could you show me, just once so I can understand?”
“It is not pleasant.”
“I believe you,” I touch his arm gently. “But I want to understand.”
Suddenly, I am in a dark room with blood red walls. A younger version of Gaara stands solemnly in the middle of it. I realize after a moment that this is what his own mind looks like to him from the inside. This is his personal projection. At one side of the room is a massive wall of bars with a seal on the outside. Glowing eyes burn in the darkness behind. A demonic snarl and laugh echo through the small space, and I jump in surprise. Gaara doesn’t even flinch.
“FOOLISH BOY!” the demon named Shukaku snarls, “There will be nothing in your life but blood!”
Garra simply stands and stares at the floor.
“Can’t you feel it?” the demon continues, “The excitement? The feel of the blood coursing through our sand… You love only yourself. You exist to feed me what I crave, and I crave blood!”
“I love only myself,” the tiny boy affirms with malice in his voice. “I will kill them all.”
“YES!” Shukaku roars with laughter again. “You will make them all suffer! Just like your wretched mother! She hated you, Gaara. They’ve told you the truth. She hated you for taking her life. In return, any woman who bears your child will pay with their own!”
“What?” For the first time, the boy’s mind shifts from hatred to confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Look! Foolish Boy! See what your sand will do to her!”
The image shifts, and I now see a faceless woman. She is heavy with child, and clutching her stomach in pain. It is obvious that she is in labor, but something is very wrong. She screams, and the sand begins to crush her, surrounding her belly – all around the child. It is as if the sand is trying to tear her apart, to remove the child by force, and she is trapped by it. Her screams get louder and louder, and she begins to beg for death. Hatred and blood lust flow from the demon, with an excitement that is nauseating. The boy simply stares at her, and listens to her screams until she crumples lifeless to the ground.
I wrench myself out of Gaara’s memory, and cry out with a sob. He has pulled away from me, and is now hunched in the corner of the bed with his arms wrapped around his knees and his head down.
“I’m sorry,” he starts with a broken voice. “I only knew hatred and pain then. I loved only myself, and I believed that my purpose… my reason to exist… was only to kill others – to feed my lust for blood.”
“Shhh….shhh…” I crawl over to him, and wrap my arms around him in comfort. I kiss his neck softly, and run my fingers through his hair once more. “I have felt nothing like that from you in all the time I have been here. I am not afraid of you Gaara.” He looks up into my eyes. His own are full of pain. “What changed your mind? About your purpose?”
“I met another Jinchuriki… a boy with a demon trapped within him. His name is Uzumaki Naruto, and he houses the nine-tailed fox demon. He understood my pain. He understood what it was like to be feared and hated the way I was. Unlike me… he was able to make bonds with others – to share his pain and happiness with them. He showed me that… that these bonds can give you strength. They can give a purpose beyond that of blood and death. From that day on… I have tried to become like him. I became Kazekage of this village to earn the respect of the people. To hope that someday… they could… value me instead of fear me.”
I can feel the tears brimming in my eyes again. I kiss him tenderly, and he slowly relaxes to hold me against him. “Well, Kazekage,” I put all the desire into my voice that I can manage. “From what I have seen here… your people adore you. I adore you too, you know. You have brought me pleasure… and peace – like I haven’t felt from anyone before.”
His eyes get a sudden curious glint to them. He looks back down at my blood upon the sheets.
“You said…” he starts softly, “this barrier… you said this is removed the first time a woman has sex… and you said it never grows back?”
“Yes.” I smile up at him, waiting for him to put two-and-two together.
He looks into my eyes with surprise. “But… I don’t understand. There are many men in your memory, many guardians.”
“Yes,” I hedge. “But none of them were allowed to touch me in this way. I have never taken a guardian as a lover… until now.”
My breath catches at the smile – a real smile of pure happiness – spreads across his face. He rolls over to settle his weight against my side once again, and kisses me passionately until we are both out of breath again.
“I… I want to stay with you, Mizuki.”
I instantly feel guilty again, as I know I will not be able to stay forever.
“Gaara?” I distract him with one of the questions still weighing on my mind. “What Shukaku showed you with the woman in labor… are you sure that is true? He could have just been inventing that to fuel your anger, or frighten you.”
“No.” Gaara states with confidence in his voice. “Shukaku tormented me, but he never lied to accomplish it. He knew that the truth would always cut me deeper, and control me better. What he showed me was real, or he would not have used it.”
“Well then I am sorry for your loss. You would have made a proud father.” I smile up at him, with my grief for him shining in my eyes.
“And I am… sorry for yours.”
He settles himself more deeply into the mattress, and pulls the sheets up to cover our bodies. I curl myself up against his side, and relish of the feeling of sleeping with his skin against mine. I nuzzle my face into his neck, breathing in the scent of Earth and musk, and let myself slowly drift off to sleep. As I sleep, a small part of my mind grieves for the children neither of us will ever know.
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Love Me When I'm Gone

16. Babies