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Love Me When I'm Gone	By : KittenCobra Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female Views: 1971 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

Chapter List
- 12
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- 14
13. Caught
I ran until my body burned from exertion, and then began looking around for a safe place to settle down for the night. The sun is setting in the sky, and I know from my many nights here, that the temperature will drop drastically soon. I manage to find a small cave, located against an outcropping of rock. The cave is just big enough to squeeze my body into. It should provide me some cover and shelter should the weather suddenly turn dangerous. Flash flooding is rare in the desert, but it does happen.
I build a small fire, only large enough to cook the small salamander I had found sunning himself. I quickly put it out as soon as the small meal is ready.
Ick… I hate eating reptiles or amphibians. They tend to be so chewy and full of little black veins. I manage to choke it down. The entire time I eat I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being watched. I close my eyes and scan the surrounding area. I go out a full mile in all directions, but don’t find anyone. I’m just being paranoid… but I still can’t shake the feeling.
Eventually, I crawl back to my little cave. I can feel the sheer exhaustion like a wet blanket draped over me. Temari was right… I haven’t healed enough to be traveling like this, but I knew I would have been too tempted to stay. They have been so kind to me and I had not deserved it. I needed to get away from them quickly. I need to keep them safe. Gaara is likely to be able to defend himself if the need arises, but Temari and Kankuro? They were strong shinobi, but no match for the kinds of men that were sent looking for me. I wrap my arms around my legs as the night air gets colder, and I can feel a small tear slide down my left cheek. The sand at my ankles stirs restlessly in the cold night breeze.
I tilt my head back and look up at the stars. They are so beautiful, twinkling together like tiny candles against a black velvet sky. I begin to hum Gaara’s melody softly to myself, and let myself drift back into the only pleasant memories I’ve gained in a long time. I’m glad I don’t have to work so hard to shield my thoughts now. I can simply enjoy them out here alone in the sand. I remember Gaara’s cautious fingers sliding across my face. I remember his rough voice asking me questions, and his thoughtful looks after my answers. I remember Temari glaring at Kankuro and slapping him over the back of the head, and chuckle to myself.
Temari… Kankuro… I will miss you more than you could know. I project my thoughts out into the night air. They are too far away to hear me, but it comforts me to think the words. You were so kind to me… Please take care of your brother. I hope I have not hurt him too badly.
I remember standing before Gaara with nothing more than moonlight and his gaze caressing my soft skin. I remember feeling so afraid that he wouldn’t find me beautiful, and then feeling the rough cool sand sliding along my body and he learned its shape from a distance. I remember when he kissed me, so cautiously at first – and then so passionate that I still curl my toes in my shoes. I regret that I ruined such a pleasant moment with my own dark memories.
If I could do it all over again… I think aloud again. I would fix that night. I would have made love to you Gaara… out there under the stars. You wouldn’t have to know what a fraud I am. You wouldn’t be alone – not yet anyway. I would have shown you pleasure like you didn’t know existed. I can feel my smile curving up into a sly smile at the thought, which quickly dies from the overwhelming ache in my chest.
God what is wrong with me! I know better than to dwell on the past. Too much pain, too many dead faces, too many frightened eyes. I shake my head to clear it, and decide to turn in for the night. I need to get an early start if I am to make enough progress tomorrow. I slowly pull myself into my cave, and settle my sore skin down against the rough sandy ground. Everything is so cold… I can feel the shivering start deep in my bones, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I close my eyes, and eventually let the black overtake me.
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The next morning I awake slowly, feeling the warmth that has finally settled back into my skin and bones. The back of my mind wonders idly why the bright light from the Suna sun hasn’t woken me up earlier. I must have been more exhausted than I realized.
I begin to stretch my sore muscles slowly. My face is pressed against something warm and… soft? I nuzzle my face into it instinctively, and I breathe in the glorious smell of Earth and musk. Oh no… I pull back swiftly, and find myself staring into bright jade eyes with dark rings around them. What the hell?! The bright red kanji scar on Gaara’s forehead stands out starkly against his skin in this light. What do I do…?
“Breathe,” he says simply, in his rough morning voice.
What? Oh… I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath, and I let it out in a nearly painful rush. I try to orient myself quickly. We are still in my little cave from the night before. His body is lying pressed tightly against mine. He is using it to shelter me from the outside air and sun. I am facing him, and I have wrapped possessively around him in my sleep.
“What…What are you doing here?” I ask in panic. “How did you find me?”
He raises one hairless eyebrow nearly to his hairline, and his face twitches as if he wants to smirk. “Do you really think you can hide from me in my own desert? This sand is a part of me. I can feel your every move here.” His eyes narrow at me in aggravation. “I should be asking you what you’re doing out here. Are you really so frightened of me that you’d put yourself in danger? The desert is no place for a young woman at night.”
“Gaara…” I try, my voice pleading with him. “You know I cannot stay. I have to leave here. I will not put your family – your village – in any more danger. As Kazekage, you must think of what’s best for them.”
“And what is it you plan to do?” His voice is angry now, and I can feel the sand beneath us stir with it. “Run off and get yourself killed? How does leaving my village – my home – solve anything? This danger you speak of follows you wherever you go. Will the people of the next village truthfully be any safer, not knowing what lurks in the shadows? Or will you simply feel less guilty, because you won’t know the faces at risk?”
PAIN. Heartache so deep it crushes my chest slams into me at full force, knocking the very air from my lungs. I try to get away from him, squirming in the dust, but there’s nowhere to go. My back is already pressed against the rough stone. I whimper in the overwhelming grip of my own guilt. Oh God… I feel like sobbing. I won’t even bother shielding my mind from his own. Let him know the agony this is! Let him know what it’s like to be a sickness wandering the surface of the Earth!
You’re right Gaara! I mentally scream at him. I can’t change what has happened! I can’t change what I am! I begin to sob softly at having to admit my own shame. I don’t want this feeling anymore… God, I can’t stand having to live and breathe this pain. I am so weary.
Perhaps… perhaps ending everyone’s suffering is truly the right thing to do now. I have let everything get so entangled, so confused – so painful. No matter where I go… I will be a burden. I will put others at risk. Gaara understands what a danger I am.
Will you help me Gaara?
“I… will care for you.” He states simply.
I choke back another sob. Then help me… save me from this nightmare. Save your people… save all the villages. Kill me Gaara. Please…
“What?” He suddenly scrambles back from me, edging out of the small cave entrance, putting distance between us.
Please… I beg. You could make it quick, couldn’t you? I’ve tried before, but I’m just such a coward. I’m afraid it will hurt. Please… save everyone from more grief… from me.
I reach into his thoughts, but there are no words; only fear, and anger, and… pain?
He remembers the pleasure of holding me in his arms at night; the smell of my hair, the shape of my body, the sound of my voice. He remembers me smiling up at him. He remembers feeling his body burn as he kissed me, my soft weight curled beneath him. He remembers finding me, face down in the sand – his terror that he was too late, and I had died beneath the sun. He remembers soul crushing guilt and pain, seeing the bruises marring my body from his anger. He remembers me flinching away from his sand in the living room in fear.
“You would rather… die,” his voice is choked, “than to stay with me? Death is better than… letting me keep you safe?”
I am shocked out of my own pain at the sight of the grief in his dark-rimmed eyes. He is gripping his shirt front desperately, trying to claw out the pain in his chest.
“What?” The direction of his thoughts is so different from my own. “No, Gaara. That’s not it at all.” I struggle to find a way to explain. I can’t let him believe that I don’t want to be with him because I fear him. I grab his face softly between my hands. “Don’t you understand? You can’t protect me. No one can. Everyone who tries dies for their effort. You are a powerful shinobi, a great Kazekage, but you are still only one man. The more people that learn about me, the closer the danger will be. I cannot let you take that risk. I do not want you to be hurt. I would not only be responsible for your death… I would be responsible for the people of Suna losing their leader – their guardian. I would be robbing Temari and Kankuro of the brother they love so much. It would all be my fault. I can’t… I can’t let anything happen to you. It is better for me to die… than you – or than any more innocent people.”
I can feel the warmth radiating through my chest as I stare into his eyes. His eyes are beautiful… so soft and warm as they gaze back at me filled with pain. How could he not know how special, how precious he is? How could he not understand that I…
I slam the walls down around my mind, shielding him from my thoughts completely – trying to forge a barrier of iron between us. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut to get it in place quickly. I open them cautiously, and see the confusion written on his face. He felt me pull back from him mentally; pull away and cut him off. He doesn’t understand why.
Oh no… I think to myself – myself only. I’ve fallen in love with him. Somewhere along the way… sometime up on that roof, or in his bed, or… somehow I’ve fallen in love with him. I want to cry again, but I can’t let him see that. It will bring his fear back. Is that why I am running so hard? Am I afraid… for him or for me? Could I survive it if he died trying to protect me? No. I couldn’t ever forgive myself. But… can I leave him now? Can I let him believe that he has so little value? That I do not want him? Would it hurt him more to leave now… or later? If I die… if he loses me… could he learn to love again, once he knew it was possible? Temari wasn’t sure he could…
My hands are shaking now, and I start to pull back.
“I haven’t released you from our agreement,” his tone is low and threatening, and his expression is stern. My surprise pulls me from my own thoughts. “You gave yourself to me – to learn pleasure. I have not learned everything I wish to know.” My eyes widen at what he is implying, and the corner of his mouth kicks up into a genuine smirk of self-satisfaction. “You will return to Suna with me. You will stay with me, until I have learned all that I wish to know. Temari and Kankuro now know you exist, and know you are my lover. They also know to keep your secret safe. You are NOT in any more danger than you were before, and neither am I. You will stay in my home with me… and after I have learned what I wish to know from you – you may decide whether you still wish to leave.” The stubborn set of his jaw lets me know, I am not going to win this battle easily.
Do I want to?
I must admit there is a terribly selfish part of me that wants to agree to his demands. I would love to experience physical passion like that before I die. More importantly… I want it to be someone I love. If I have been stupid enough to let myself fall for this man… than this may be the only chance I have. But what about what he needs? Is it wrong of me to take what he offers, knowing it could make it only that much more painful for him when I do finally leave? I find myself once again not knowing which would be worse for him… to have and to lose… or to lose without ever having the chance to have in the first place.
I try to think objectively. If he were to die tomorrow… The physical pain of that thought would bring me to my knees if I were standing. There is my answer. I would regret. I cannot tell him of my love, but I could show him. I could love him freely with my body. I would regret holding that back from him if he were to die. So… I will return with him. I will continue our arrangement. I smile up at him, allowing peace – even if it is a stupid one – to settle into my bones at the thought of returning home with him.
Somehow, he knows he has won. Probably the silly grin plastered on my face. He stands up, and pulls me to my feet. I expect him to turn and start walking, but instead he gently lifts me against him into his arms. He looks into my eyes, and the heat I find there makes my stomach flutter in excitement. His lips come down hard on my own, and he presses himself even tighter against me. I can feel his passion, his excitement, burning through me like wild fire. His tongue licks across my bottom lip, seeking entrance. I open for him, and he plunges it deeply within the warmth of my mouth – playing with mine. My hands fly up to tangle in the unruly hair at the back of his head, and a low moan escapes my throat. He pulls back to look into my pleasure flushed face, and the faintest chuckle seems to rumble in the depths of his chest.
The next thing I know, we are flying through the desert back towards Suna. Sand swirls around us like a storm, and I cling to him. Before long, I can see the gates of Suna rising to greet us in the distance. Gaara… no one can see me with you, I think urgently. The sand swirling around us thickens to an impenetrable haze. Suddenly, we burst through a door and he sets me down on my feet, closing it tightly behind us. The sand settles to the ground, and I see Temari and Kankuro both look up with surprise from their seats in the kitchen. Kankuro is pleased, and nods in approval at Gaara.
Temari beams an excited smile towards us, and shouts, “About time, big boy! Thank God you found her! I was starting to panic.”
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Love Me When I'm Gone

13. Caught